Month: June 2022

Hey, my Lovelies! Have you been taking time for yourself and practicing self-love/self-care? As mentioned in my last blog, I have definitely been loving myself! I have added waking up every morning to “Good Morning, Gorgeous” by Mary J. Blige, this song automatically puts me in a good mood and I feel even more settled into my skin when I look in the mirror and address myself as “Gorgeous”. As I mentioned previously, prior to my journey of self-love, this wouldn’t have been possible because I didn’t think I was worthy of that greeting but that was then and this is now, there’s no arrogance in the greeting, just love.

As we are all aware, today is Father’s Day, the day we celebrate our first loves and sons celebrate the men who taught them how to be a man, today is not the day to celebrate the deadbeats out there, I don’t believe this is a blanket holiday. If you’ve not taken the time to be present in your seed’s life, not poured love and lessons into them, gone about living your life as though they don’t exist, don’t reach out to form a bond, aren’t present even when they’re in your presence, and are considered a sperm donor you don’t get a grill, tools or clothes today, there is no reward for being absent and selfish.  

As you are aware, my Daddy gained his wings 12 years ago but this year is harder for me than the last few because so much has happened that I’ve not been able to share with him but I know he sees the woman and mother I’ve become and is smiling down on me from heaven but there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to see that smile and hear that voice in person just one more time. Yes, for some of us, this is a very difficult day but, thru my tears, I will celebrate my Daddy with you.

My Daddy wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, but he was mine and poured into us love and lessons he felt would serve us in our lives. Anyone who’s ever interacted with him knows he loved to talk and tell stories and, as his daughter, there were lessons in his words that I am watching come to fruition in my life at every turn. Who knew his gift of gab was planting seeds to help me become the woman I am today? Even though majority of his stories were met with an eye roll and attitude from me, he never stopped sharing and I appreciate him for his perseverance and faith that they would one day stick and make sense and I am so grateful.

As a woman who has gone thru heartbreak and divorce, I now have so much more respect for my parents for never giving up and push thru their pain and still adult as parents even though they were mentally struggling with their own shit. When I was 6 years old, my Daddy became a single father who was responsible for raising two daughters which meant he now had to do hair, buy doll babies, break up constant fights between me and my sister, pick out and iron our girlie clothes, and still be the protector and provider, making sure we ate, had a roof over our heads, and never felt the struggle.

I have been questioned, in the past, about why I put my Daddy on a pedestal after all that transpired between him and my mother and, I’ll say it again, that was their adult relationship and not the one I had with my father. My Daddy didn’t always make the right choices in life but how many of us have? I know I’ve not made the most stellar choices but, like him, I’ve learned and don’t want to be judged on who I was. Now, if you do nothing but make shitty choices in life and make no attempts to better and improve yourself, yes, at that point, I’m judging the hell out of you but if you’re trying, I’m here to support your growth.

I am grateful to my Daddy for showing me so much love and grace when I was too selfish to show the same to him as I know I wasn’t the easiest child of his to get along with because I had somewhat of an attitude all the time. I am grateful to him for being my protector even though I tested his police training on a couple of occasions. I am grateful to him for allowing us to make him the center of our jokes and pranks and never getting mad even when I loaded his cigarettes to explode. I am grateful to him for being present and making me talk even when I didn’t want to as he knew I needed to get it out or I would break. I am grateful to him for the love and adoration he showed my babies which left such a lasting impression they still cry from his loss even though they were young when he gained his wings. I am grateful to him for loving and accepting me for exactly who and how I was, never trying to change me nor judge me and my appearance. I am grateful he was my first love and instilled in me what I deserved from anyone who vied to be my partner. I am grateful to have his smile, eyes, and kind and understanding heart. My Daddy never told me how to live life, he lived his and let me watch.

I learned a tidbit recently that stated Father’s Day is #20 on the list of favorite holidays and that’s sad as I couldn’t come up with 20 celebrated holidays in the year. How is Columbus Day #16 and fathers being four places lower?! There are so many men who are out here killing it as dads by learning how to braid their daughter’s hair, teaching their sons how to be men, teaching their daughters how not to get played by some raggedy ass dude, teaching their sons how to treat women, being the listening ear with words of wisdom from his own experience and doing this all while still being the protector, provider, and hero who is never down. While not all heroes wear capes that doesn’t mean they don’t exist and aren’t a hero to someone in their life.

If you are blessed to still have your father in your life, be sure to pour love into him, tell him he’s appreciated, and sit and listen to his stories no matter how many times you’ve heard them as that brings him joy. To those who’s fathers have gained their wings, know he’s never really left you and has been doing more from heaven than he’d ever be able to physically do for you here on earth. There are also those who didn’t have their biological father in their lives but had a strong male role model to shape and form them into the adult they are today. Join me, my Lovelies, in raising a glass to toast the Daddies/Dads/Pops in our lives!

Hey, my Lovelies! Today, I would like to share with you another branch on the tree of mental health: Self-Love. Once you begin to love yourself, you’ll notice how little bullshit and ignorance you put up with, stuff that used to send you into rage, no longer bothers you because you understand that their actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their unhealed wounds they’re allowing to bleed all over others. Having been where I was and gone thru what I did, I’m able to recognize the struggle in others even if they don’t but am also at a point in my growth to understand I can’t save them from themselves.

I was having a conversation with a friend about another acquaintance of ours whom they’ve known longer and he questioned why she treats people and acts the way she does. His conclusion? Well, there have been several such as: she needs some good ol’ dang-a-lang, she’s just a miserable soul, and, my fave, she loves herself too much. Over the course of many conversations, I’ve picked his theories apart by telling him that I know plenty of people who are getting sex on a regular basis who have attitudes and act like they’re in need of having their back blown out. He believes she’s miserable but I see it differently, I see her as someone who has been hurt in the past and puts on the front of being a bitch to protect the scared little girl who went thru hell.

I went on to tell him that if she truly loved herself, she wouldn’t place targets on anyone who crosses her path as she’d have a peace about her where the little shit didn’t matter and she felt obliged to make everyone else’s life. I further explained self-love never presents itself in a negative manner as it’s not arrogant nor boisterous, it’s an authentic internal peace and energy that others can feel when around you.

As some of you are aware, I attempted to start my greatest love affair, aka self-love, a couple of years ago, got stuck, then frustrated, and pretty much gave up on acquiring it as I didn’t believe it was in the cards for me. I have come to understand how you gain love for yourself is very personal, others will try to help you begin your journey but what worked for them won’t necessarily work for you. When I began my journey, I had someone close to me suggest writing what I loved about myself but my insecurities, lack of self-confidence, and upbringing wouldn’t allow me to ‘brag’ on myself to complete the list.

As much as I appreciate that person for trying to help me, it had the opposite affect on me because, instead of seeing the good in myself, my knee jerk reaction was to counteract with negatives. One of the things which hindered my self-love was being a mother who was single as it was never about me, it was about pouring all the love I had into my babies, focusing on their wants, needs, and overall well-being. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret one moment of pouring everything I have into my seeds and continue to do it to this day while carving out some time for myself.

Have you ever carelessly hurt or done someone wrong and find yourself going overboard with constant apologies? You know you’ve hurt them but don’t give them the space to digest and deal with what transpired so, you beat yourself up, lose sleep, and over/under eat with the belief that somehow all the groveling, junk food, and sleepless nights will make you feel better. When you’ve learned to love yourself, you will give that person their space and be okay with the possibility of them not liking you, it happens as none of are everyone’s cup of tea or shot of whiskey. Once you love yourself, you’ll understand the self-love they possess enabled them to create a boundary with you to protect themselves and it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with and for them.

I’m speaking for myself when I say that I’ve stayed with someone way longer than I should have, poured every ounce of love I had to spare into them in hopes they’d, one day, return it to me so I could be full again. It took me a long time and a lot of heartbreak to understand that self-love is about giving myself the love and understanding I was selflessly pouring into others. Sometimes you need to sit and check your relationships as not all of them are soul connections, some are attachments you created to fill a void in your soul left by low self-esteem, lust, fear, and loneliness. Not all ties in your life belong there, some are just replacing the love you haven’t been giving yourself.   

The most difficult leg of this journey was forgiving myself for everything I allowed to happen to and put myself thru. It’s amazing how quickly I was able to forgive someone for hurting me all out of fear they would no longer speak to me, were mad at me or just no longer liked me. Now that I’ve learned how to love myself, I don’t give a rat’s hairy ass if someone doesn’t like me because I love me and that’s not out of arrogance, it’s out of peace and acceptance of who I am. For most of my life, I felt self-conscious whenever I entered a room, worrying that everyone was talking about and criticizing everything about me but I now walk into a room with my head held high with confidence and let the haters’ comments roll off my back as none of them are providing any of the three F’s necessary to be a factor in my life.

While I’d never profess to know the perfect route to get you steady on your self-love path, I am confident in this one practice known as Hoʻoponopono which is a traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. To do this, make time for yourself, go to your mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and repeat, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you” at least 3 times.

I will admit, when I tried this for the first time, it felt weird to look myself in the eyes and I realized how many times I’ve only looked at my appearance and never connected with myself. The power of this exercise is strong, I burst into tears just by looking into my own eyes because, I guess the old adage is true, eyes are the window to the soul and mine was in so much pain all I could do was the ugly cry because it was at that moment, I felt all I’d been thru.

Once you have taken the time to apologize to and forgive yourself, you’ll feel a weight lifted and it’s time to begin pouring love into yourself again, it’s okay to be selfish with this as you’re no good to anyone else if you’re pouring from an empty cup. I have committed myself to Self-Care Sundays where I find a way to pamper myself every Sunday and that could be anything from a pedicure to a face mask or even getting a massage just because.

Your idea of self-care could vary from mine and that’s okay, do what calms and centers you as long as you commit a day to it. Since committing my Sundays to self-care, if I am not able to do something for myself, I’m thrown off for the week.

I know there are a lot of women who get their nails done on a regular basis but are you enjoying it or doing it more out of obligation? To those who get their hair done, are you feeling pampered and at peace while you’re sitting in a salon for 6 – 8 hours because your stylist quadruple booked herself?

I feel safe in saying you’re feeling more irritation and frustration than anything else as your entire day is wasted due to someone else’s lack of time management. Self-care and love are about doing the things for yourself which cause you to lean your head back and close your eyes as a smile creeps across your lips.

There’s no love like self-love because if you don’t know how to love yourself, how can you expect someone else to know how? Once you begin your greatest love affair, you’ll start to see how much of an effect it has on your mental health, things will start clicking and fitting together like never before.