The greatest love affair

Hey, my Lovelies! Today, I would like to share with you another branch on the tree of mental health: Self-Love. Once you begin to love yourself, you’ll notice how little bullshit and ignorance you put up with, stuff that used to send you into rage, no longer bothers you because you understand that their actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their unhealed wounds they’re allowing to bleed all over others. Having been where I was and gone thru what I did, I’m able to recognize the struggle in others even if they don’t but am also at a point in my growth to understand I can’t save them from themselves.

I was having a conversation with a friend about another acquaintance of ours whom they’ve known longer and he questioned why she treats people and acts the way she does. His conclusion? Well, there have been several such as: she needs some good ol’ dang-a-lang, she’s just a miserable soul, and, my fave, she loves herself too much. Over the course of many conversations, I’ve picked his theories apart by telling him that I know plenty of people who are getting sex on a regular basis who have attitudes and act like they’re in need of having their back blown out. He believes she’s miserable but I see it differently, I see her as someone who has been hurt in the past and puts on the front of being a bitch to protect the scared little girl who went thru hell.

I went on to tell him that if she truly loved herself, she wouldn’t place targets on anyone who crosses her path as she’d have a peace about her where the little shit didn’t matter and she felt obliged to make everyone else’s life. I further explained self-love never presents itself in a negative manner as it’s not arrogant nor boisterous, it’s an authentic internal peace and energy that others can feel when around you.

As some of you are aware, I attempted to start my greatest love affair, aka self-love, a couple of years ago, got stuck, then frustrated, and pretty much gave up on acquiring it as I didn’t believe it was in the cards for me. I have come to understand how you gain love for yourself is very personal, others will try to help you begin your journey but what worked for them won’t necessarily work for you. When I began my journey, I had someone close to me suggest writing what I loved about myself but my insecurities, lack of self-confidence, and upbringing wouldn’t allow me to ‘brag’ on myself to complete the list.

As much as I appreciate that person for trying to help me, it had the opposite affect on me because, instead of seeing the good in myself, my knee jerk reaction was to counteract with negatives. One of the things which hindered my self-love was being a mother who was single as it was never about me, it was about pouring all the love I had into my babies, focusing on their wants, needs, and overall well-being. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret one moment of pouring everything I have into my seeds and continue to do it to this day while carving out some time for myself.

Have you ever carelessly hurt or done someone wrong and find yourself going overboard with constant apologies? You know you’ve hurt them but don’t give them the space to digest and deal with what transpired so, you beat yourself up, lose sleep, and over/under eat with the belief that somehow all the groveling, junk food, and sleepless nights will make you feel better. When you’ve learned to love yourself, you will give that person their space and be okay with the possibility of them not liking you, it happens as none of are everyone’s cup of tea or shot of whiskey. Once you love yourself, you’ll understand the self-love they possess enabled them to create a boundary with you to protect themselves and it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with and for them.

I’m speaking for myself when I say that I’ve stayed with someone way longer than I should have, poured every ounce of love I had to spare into them in hopes they’d, one day, return it to me so I could be full again. It took me a long time and a lot of heartbreak to understand that self-love is about giving myself the love and understanding I was selflessly pouring into others. Sometimes you need to sit and check your relationships as not all of them are soul connections, some are attachments you created to fill a void in your soul left by low self-esteem, lust, fear, and loneliness. Not all ties in your life belong there, some are just replacing the love you haven’t been giving yourself.   

The most difficult leg of this journey was forgiving myself for everything I allowed to happen to and put myself thru. It’s amazing how quickly I was able to forgive someone for hurting me all out of fear they would no longer speak to me, were mad at me or just no longer liked me. Now that I’ve learned how to love myself, I don’t give a rat’s hairy ass if someone doesn’t like me because I love me and that’s not out of arrogance, it’s out of peace and acceptance of who I am. For most of my life, I felt self-conscious whenever I entered a room, worrying that everyone was talking about and criticizing everything about me but I now walk into a room with my head held high with confidence and let the haters’ comments roll off my back as none of them are providing any of the three F’s necessary to be a factor in my life.

While I’d never profess to know the perfect route to get you steady on your self-love path, I am confident in this one practice known as Hoʻoponopono which is a traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. To do this, make time for yourself, go to your mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and repeat, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you” at least 3 times.

I will admit, when I tried this for the first time, it felt weird to look myself in the eyes and I realized how many times I’ve only looked at my appearance and never connected with myself. The power of this exercise is strong, I burst into tears just by looking into my own eyes because, I guess the old adage is true, eyes are the window to the soul and mine was in so much pain all I could do was the ugly cry because it was at that moment, I felt all I’d been thru.

Once you have taken the time to apologize to and forgive yourself, you’ll feel a weight lifted and it’s time to begin pouring love into yourself again, it’s okay to be selfish with this as you’re no good to anyone else if you’re pouring from an empty cup. I have committed myself to Self-Care Sundays where I find a way to pamper myself every Sunday and that could be anything from a pedicure to a face mask or even getting a massage just because.

Your idea of self-care could vary from mine and that’s okay, do what calms and centers you as long as you commit a day to it. Since committing my Sundays to self-care, if I am not able to do something for myself, I’m thrown off for the week.

I know there are a lot of women who get their nails done on a regular basis but are you enjoying it or doing it more out of obligation? To those who get their hair done, are you feeling pampered and at peace while you’re sitting in a salon for 6 – 8 hours because your stylist quadruple booked herself?

I feel safe in saying you’re feeling more irritation and frustration than anything else as your entire day is wasted due to someone else’s lack of time management. Self-care and love are about doing the things for yourself which cause you to lean your head back and close your eyes as a smile creeps across your lips.

There’s no love like self-love because if you don’t know how to love yourself, how can you expect someone else to know how? Once you begin your greatest love affair, you’ll start to see how much of an effect it has on your mental health, things will start clicking and fitting together like never before.