Hey, hey, my Lovelies! I know, it’s been a minute and all I can say to that is life and healing have been consuming me lately. I will admit that I used to be one of those who believed that healing was pleasant and peaceful but that is a whole ass lie as this shit gets quite heavy at times. While it may be heavy and challenging at times, there is no turning back and I am seeing and feeling the benefits. What has been the heaviest for me is being able to see how unhealed those closest to me are which is forcing me to create boundaries and distance myself as to not regress, I’ve worked too hard and been thru too much to give up now.
In the beginning of this journey, my self-care had me in butterfly land sitting by a rainbow petting a unicorn, it felt really good to finally take and make time for myself. Lately, I have been experiencing the parts of myself which were buried deep, coming to the surface to be healed and it’s kinda ugly. I am not feeling myself as of late, I am naturally a very sensitive and sentimental person but right now, I just want to be left alone. Yes, I do struggle with mental health but this is different than the random depression I’ve become accustomed to as I’ve been in a funk for the last couple of weeks and forcing myself to maintain my self-care Sundays. I mean, I can’t go to work looking like who-dun-it, right? No matter the mood, this Queen will always make sure her nails, lashes, and hair are done, it’s just who I am.
One thing I’ve come to learn about healing yourself is that you will encounter tests of all levels and types on this journey and this past weekend was a prime example of such test. I had the honor of attending the celebration of 75 years of life for the matriarch of our family at an elegant event and was, initially, excited about being able to dress up and enjoy family and friends. However, anyone who knows me fully understands how quickly I will find a reason to flake and stay in the house but I knew I couldn’t do that because turning ¾ of a century is a big deal. I decided I would wear a fitted black dress, cream blazer, and red stiletto sandals with my hair in a slicked back ponytail and was feeling myself because, no lie, I look good at 50 and was proud of myself.
As I drove to the event, I was singing and in good spirits even though I was going to be an hour and a half late but I’m never on time and don’t know how to rush. I arrived at the event and my heart swelled as I was greeted with love by family members I don’t see often enough and was even happier when I saw my favorite aunt and how she lit up when she saw me. My joy quickly turned to rage when she let me know my father’s widow was also here.
At that moment, I felt all unhealed parts of me bum rush healed me and the internal battle caused me to shake with rage and the only thing that helped me maintain a semblance of calm was I hadn’t laid eyes on her yet. I returned to my seat and sat there seething at the audacity of the stankin’ ass bitch showing up as though she didn’t do my Daddy, sisters, and me wrong! I decided to call my sister to talk me off the ledge and avoid needing bail money but, wouldn’t you know? She didn’t answer so, I called my mother but she too didn’t answer so, I left the party room to sit in the hall to gather myself and composure as it’s not Queen behavior to choke a bitch.
I returned to my seat, tried to eat some dinner but was no longer hungry as I was too busy scanning the room looking for her and decided this was not how I wanted to spend my evening and prepared to gather my things, say my good-byes, and roll out but before I could, my sister called me back. I went outside to my car so I could talk without eyes or ears on my conversation and to get away from the music. And, this is when it happened, I heard my father’s voice say, “Don’t you ever let someone affect you so much that you leave a space, you are better than that. Don’t you know you are making her more uncomfortable just by being there? This is YOUR family, not hers! Take your few minutes to get yourself together and walk back in there with your head held high and enjoy yourself, don’t sulk in the corner, I raised you better than that”. It was at this point I felt healed me step forward as my posture straightened and I walked as though I had a crown on my head, there was confidence in my stride, and I knew I was better than what I was allowing to happen. I chatted with my sister for a few and headed back in as a totally different person and, although I was no longer angry, I made sure to make eye contact with her every chance I got.
I enjoyed the rest of the evening with my family, got my corner piece of cake, my goodie bag, and said my good-byes.
I am proud of myself because I know that, had this been 18 months ago, they would have had to pry my hands from around her neck in order to get the handcuffs on me. I am learning that healed me isn’t here for the shits because I felt her step forward during the internal chaos and stand strong and unwavering no matter how much I wanted to break down, she wasn’t allowing tears whether they be from sadness or anger, she simply straightened my crown and reminded me who the hell I was.
I don’t share my experiences on this journey to discourage anyone, I share them to encourage you when it gets heavy and you want to stop. I share every part of this journey so you know you’re not alone when it gets difficult and you want to give up, I’m here to let you know there is beauty on the other side. Unfortunately, this path is not filled with sunflowers, a gentle breeze blowing, and birds singing as it’s not a fairytale, it’s real life and you’re not an animated princess/prince. On this path, you will encounter parts of yourself you didn’t know were so damaged that they turned toxic, were rotting you from the inside, and come to the surface with a vengeance but that just shows you’re on the right path.
It’s definitely easier to just be, never taking the time to work thru all the shit we pushed aside to avoid reliving it but, honestly, what good does that do? When you avoid the dark, unhealed parts in yourself, they will forever taint any relationship you have and, unfortunately, come to the surface when you least expect it. Some feel as though they can shop, smoke, drink, or sex away those feelings and thoughts but the reality is, once your cart and bank account are empty, you come down off that high, or your legs stop shaking, the darkness is still there, you can’t escape it.
The beginning of the self-love and healing journey must be taken alone as no one can walk thru your traumas but you because you are the one who lived thru them. The one thing you will have to understand and come to grips with is that this will get lonely as you will begin to see how toxic those closest to you are as they’ve taken the option to not heal and try to drag you back to where they are, don’t go, you deserve healing. You’ve but one life, make the most of it while you’re on this side of the dirt, you are here for a purpose. Be great my lovelies!!
