Month: December 2022

Hey my Lovelies! Well, here we are, the last hours of the last day of the year 2022, how did yours go? Did you get/achieve all you’d hoped to or were you disappointed in how life played out for you? I have come to learn that, essentially, shit happens and how it affects you moving forward is your choice, it will either make you better or bitter, what did you choose? For me, this year has had some ups and downs but I don’t regret any of it as it continued to shape me into the Queen I was created to be from day one, just took a lil longer than it should have as I’m hard headed and insist on doing things my way but this year I got out of my own way and let life bless me. As I’ve stated before, I don’t make resolutions for the new year as I have a very hard time sticking to a list of things to do, more like a refusal as I have an issue being told what to do even if I am the one who made the list. Instead of making a list of things I know I’ll never do, I like to take time to reflect on the last 12 months of my life and all I’ve been thru, learned, and experienced and this year is no different.

I am very happy to announce that I fell in love in 2022. I know some of you may be perplexed as I’m always boasting about how happy I am to be single but, it’s true, I fell in love with someone I’ve known my whole life. This Queen is not perfect and has her flaws but worthy of everything I have to give, she’s viewed as a little odd in the eyes of most but that’s what makes her that much more intriguing and appealing to me, she has been thru a lot of shit in her life but that doesn’t take away from the wonderful, loving, and caring person she is, she is a smart ass but her wit tickles and is endearing to me, and she believed her traumas and what has happened to her made her weak and unwanted but seeing how she has survived what would’ve broken most makes me admire her strength that much more. Who is this fandamntastic woman who has stolen my heart? She is me and I will go to the ends of the earth and do everything in my power to protect her as I’ve done quite the shitty job in the past but she is worth the fight and no longer taking a backseat to anyone who doesn’t appreciate all she is and has to offer.

In the year of 2022, I turned half a century and learned a lot about myself to include what I do/don’t want, what I deserve, and that I won’t settle for less than I want, desire, or deserve from anyone. Turning 50 changed me in ways I wasn’t truly prepared for but embraced fully as it just feels good and right. I used to say all the time that I didn’t have a filter but year 50 made that an absolute reality as some things that come out of my mouth shock me as well as the person hearing it and I’m not even sorry. It may have taken me 50 years but I finally understand and grasp the fact that No is a full and complete sentence as I’ve said and stood firmly in it without offering any explanation which used to turn into me giving in but that version of me is no more. The most important thing I’ve learned about myself is that I am enough just as I am, no longer shrinking myself to accommodate someone else’s feelings or opinions of me, either you vibe with me or you don’t, I promise I’m not losing sleep over it anymore. Turning the big 5-0 brought clarity and a realization that the only thing in my life I will force is my jeans over my ass, not relationships nor friendships, just jeans.

At this stage of my life, the most important thing to me is my peace, I’ve worked too hard to obtain it and am not willing to sacrifice it for anyone. For most of my life, I have been a people pleaser for others in belief they’d stay in my life as long as conformed to what they wanted me to be without realizing how much of myself I had to sacrifice to appease the people who wouldn’t do the same for me. I am no longer pouring all of myself into others who are too selfish to pour back into me and this has forced me to create boundaries and cut people out of my life. Was this a hard lesson to learn? Hell yeah because all I knew how to do was dim my own light as I was afraid of someone being upset with me for simply being me. At this point in my life, my peace is way too important to be disturbed by the temper tantrum of a grown ass adult who doesn’t get their way with no regard to my feelings. This lesson was also hard because some of the people I held closest, now have to be kept at arm’s length to protect my mental health and peace.

This year I decided to be a lot more transparent about mental health and my struggles with it as I know I’m not alone but that’s not the only reason I’ve shared as I have this year. I share the signs and struggles of mental health issues as there are many who made another’s worse by dismissing how serious it was by labeling it as being ‘in a mood/funk’ when they were unable to deal with anything life related. I speak on it in hopes someone will gain an understanding of what it’s like to be happy and joyful one day and barely able to get out of bed the next.

Like most of you, I was raised that it wasn’t okay not to be okay, we just had to push thru all of the bullshit that came our way regardless of how soul crushing it was. My transparency has opened the door to many conversations and promises from others to be accountable and learn more in order to be more supportive but my eyes were opened with the understanding people learn what they want when they want and will regress when they are held to the fire. It is what it is, no one else’s stagnation and refusal to grow will stunt my growth.

This year, I took my self-love and healing journey seriously and even dedicate one day a week to my self-care. On this journey, I have healed parts of myself I had previously been too scared to revisit out of fear of being broken to the point of a meltdown but it was worth it as my spirit actually feels lighter without that unhealed pain weighing it down. What I wasn’t prepared to discover was how much my confidence has grown since I stepped on this path, no longer do I enter a room and try to be invisible out of fear of what others may think or say about me.

I have come to the understanding that I am not intimidating in the least and if someone is intimidated by me, that’s not my issue, it’s theirs. I have always liked my clothes but this year, I stepped out of my comfort zone of black and loose-fitting items and embraced my womanly curves tastefully. Yes, I have to add ‘tastefully’ as some embrace their curves by putting everything on display and looking like they earn their money by standing on a corner and providing services for fees and that ain’t me. My increased confidence has afforded me opportunities at work as I received a promotion which affords me the ability to travel more and, even though I’m busting my ass on travel, the experience is well worth the work.

I’m not a planner but I have a legit reason for it: I was raised that if you ever wanted to hear GOD laugh, tell HIM your plans. Being someone with O.C.D., taking the time and effort to intricately plan things with any moving parts will wreck my psyche as it rarely turns out exactly as the vision I have in my mind and then I feel as though I failed and then I begin to spiral so, I don’t make a lot of plans unless I have absolute and complete control over it. I have let go of trying to control each and every aspect of my daughters’ lives and let them grow into the wonderful women they are meant to be as I know I laid a solid foundation for them to build upon.

Has 2022 been a bit of a doozy? Yep, it sure has but you’ve awakened each day on this side of the dirt with another chance to do and be better, don’t waste it. Every day isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows, there will be some darkness but you have the choice to sit in it or understand shit happens and get on with your life, choose wisely as tomorrow’s not promised to anyone. Enjoy your New Year’s Eve celebrations responsibly and make 2023 even better than 2022, you’ve got this! Be great, my Loves!

Hey, my Lovelies. As I was sitting at work today, my daughter text me to inform me that a well-loved celebrity had passed away. This individual wasn’t your typical celebrity as we watched him start from the bottom on So You Think You Can Dance and it took him more than one time to make it to the finals. I will be the first to admit that I’m not usually impressed with some of the latest dances as most look foolish but this artist was captivating because his personality lit up the room more than his crisp dance moves. He was a street/hip hop dancer but had the determination and drive to be so much more and he was. He went on to the semi-finals which opened the doors to movies, television, and choreography for some of the biggest names in music. He met his wife on the set of the show and they share 3 beautiful children. My heart breaks having to type that he took his life at the young age of 40 years old. From the outside looking in, it appeared he had everything anyone could dream to have but inside, he wasn’t okay.

Stories like this are why I speak so much on the importance of mental health and understanding it’s okay not to be okay but, it’s not okay to stay stuck there alone. Yes, I know it’s easier for some to say than for it to actually be done but I’ve been there more than once. I don’t know about you but I wasn’t raised to know it was okay not to be okay, I was raised to push thru any issues and get on with life because I had shit to do. I don’t fault anyone in my upbringing who taught me to do this as they were none the wiser as it’s what they were taught to handle trials and tribulations in their lives. So many times, we look at our elders and all we see is strength because they pushed thru every dark period of their lives because they had shit to do, no one ever took the time to ask, “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about anything?” or suggest they take a day or few to themselves to refill their empty cup. My elders weren’t raised to know they could take a moment to handle their mental health, taking a break when things got heavy was a sign of weakness and it’s still that way with some people today.

To some, choosing suicide is a very selfish act and, to a degree, they are absolutely correct because of the pain caused to those we leave behind with so many unanswered questions and possible guilt. In my opinion, it is viewed as selfish by those who’ve never been to the point where you just want the internal pain to stop, you want the sadness to lift, you want the thoughts of unworthiness to stop, you want to be able to just cry but can’t because you have others looking up to you for your strength and smile. As I stated before, yes, I’ve been at the point I didn’t want to exist anymore and thought about how I would do it but there were a couple of things which stopped me: #1 going to hell for eternity and #2 I couldn’t do that to my Daddy, Mommie, sister and, later in life, my daughters as I knew it would have absolutely destroyed them. My statement is not to negate the fact that there are many who have loved ones who are destroyed by their sudden absence but, trust me, it does get that bad sometimes where you feel as though you’re doing them a favor by unaliving yourself.

We are all busy with our daily lives but that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to just check in on those we love and care about because many are dealing with these types of thoughts and just hearing your voice can bring them back from the brink. If you don’t know what it’s like to wake up every day unable to find anything to spark joy in your heart as a dark cloud hovers over your entire being while you struggle to just exist and function with a semblance of normalcy, consider yourself lucky and blessed. What most don’t understand is that the one person in your life who always goes out of their way to make others laugh and smile or ensure they’re taken care of is the person who is struggling the most. The one who is always looking out for others does so to ease their darkness as seeing others smile and feel loved is enough to get them through another day.

The harsh reality is that we can spend every waking hour with someone and never see their pain because they don’t want to burden you with what they deem as insignificant worries and troubles. When you’re in a dark place, you feel worthless and as though no one would care what you’re going thru as they would only point out all the great things you have going for you. No amount of money or material things will soothe a hurting spirit and, most times, you can’t put into words what is wrong because you yourself don’t know, you just know you’re not okay.

While it is okay not to be okay, it’s not okay to suffer in silence and alone. I understand you may feel as though you don’t have anyone to talk to and that’s fine, grab a pen and some paper and write it out, you’ll be amazed how cathartic it is to just get it out. I do not have the all the answers on how to get from under the dark cloud as everyone’s journey is different, I can only speak on what has worked for me with the understanding it can change at any given time and I’ll have to make adjustments to pull myself back up. Your mental health is your responsibility as no one lives in your head and thoughts but you. If you feel yourself stuck in the darkness and as though nothing is going your way, make that brave move and find someone to speak with, preferably a professional as your friends and family aren’t trained in the way to help you thru this and their love for you will make them biased and you’ll fake being okay so they don’t worry.

If no one told you today, I am proud of you for how far you’ve come even if you’re not where you want to be, you’re not where you were. Be great, my Loves.

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my sister about our very different interactions and experiences with each of our parents. The different versions we each received from them would have an outsider firmly believing we didn’t even share the same parents, not to mention being raised in the same household, as that’s how much it varied between the two of us. I’d be telling a bold face lie if I said there wasn’t a time in my life, well, most of my life, when I didn’t envy the relationship and bond my mother and sister share but I’ve come to learn and understand that our parents knew their uniquely different children at their core and gave the version which would best serve each of us.

Let’s start with the version of our mother I received, shall we? I got the strait-laced, no holds barred, takes shit from no one, never a hair out of place, the pure embodiment of dignity, grace, and strength who commanded respect of every room she has ever walked into, and never cursed around or drank with me. Yes, that’s the mother I experienced and the woman I still call Mommie at 50 years of age as that’s who she is to me, it doesn’t feel natural to call her Ma, Momma, or Mom. I feel safe in saying that most of you were told, “I am your mother, not one of your lil friends” and she stuck to that like super glue! Yes, I am 50 years old and my mother still doesn’t really curse around me unless she is severely pissed and is the reason that, no matter how much I may want to, I don’t use the F-word in any of my blogs, I’m still scared she’ll appear and smack the cowboy piss out of me.

The version of our mother my sister received was more laid back as, on the surface, they appear to be alike and have more in common. My mother and sister both ride motorcycles and my sister became a member of the all-female motorcycle club my mother created which meant they experienced a lot more things than my mother and I ever would as I’m too uptight and prissy to endure some of their adventures.

My mother and sister have regularly drank together as they both like beer whereas I prefer liquor or wine. Who my mother is with my sister is the throw on a t-shirt and some jeans with a baseball cap on to go to the store or wherever but, with me, she puts on ensemble which matches from head to toe, does her hair, and grabs a jacket that matches the outfit. Damn, I’m starting to sound all the way adopted! I digress. From my perspective, they were friends as whenever my sister needed my mother, she would go running to be by her side and I got lectured for not doing better and able to do for myself.

Some are aware that my mother and I had a very strained relationship for most of my life but I’ve come to understand I was part of the problem as I let my envy of their relationship build a wall that was damn near impossible to penetrate or cross. I lived in ego and felt she ‘liked’ my sister more than me which lead me to feeling unworthy of being liked by my mother. Yeah, that’s not the case, not even a little bit and it saddens me that so much time was wasted being at odds with one another but am happy we are no longer wasting 1 minute of the time we have left. I always said my mother didn’t know me but that too is a lie because my mother knew me enough as her child to give me the version of herself which would serve me best and knew I didn’t need the version my sister got.

Please don’t get it twisted, my mother and sister haven’t always had an ideal relationship as they are Scorpion women and would go at it hard as my sister is a rebel who danced around every line my mother ever drew for us. Me, on the other hand, absolutely feared the woman who birthed me and ruled with an iron fist, I knew she wasn’t one to play with. My sister will say that my mother was afraid of me because I was so sensitive but I don’t view it that way as there’s nothing anyone could say that would make me believe my mother ever feared me, that just doesn’t sit right with my spirit. I will say that my mother understood her child was sensitive and didn’t want to upset her. Let me throw this in there as well because I believe in transparency: I also had quite the instant attitude if I thought I was going to be told No and no one wanted to deal with my mean ass most of the time so, I just got my way.

Yes, I was a brat, there’s no way around it and I own it. My mother knew that dealing with my sister was a battle but to fully deal with me would be a long-drawn-out war because, truth be told, I am just like her as we are strong minded women who are unwavering in our views, we just happen to be on opposite ends of the subject most times.

After the conversation I had with my sister, I thought about the relationships I have with my daughters and own I have handled them differently as they are very unique in their personalities, what works for one would never work for the other. I have my oldest who is a former tomboy recluse who loves video games and solitude and then there’s my fashion diva who shares the latest makeup and hair trends while binge watching my ratchet reality shows with me. I share the versions of myself which will best serve them at that specific time in their life but, as they’ve gotten older, they now get pretty much the same version of me………. I think.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I can’t call the oldest and have a tea spilling session about the latest scandal on RHOP ® because she doesn’t care, not even a little bit. Even though they are vastly different young women, I take an interest in what makes their face light up when they speak about it. I respect them both enough not to force them to take an interest in what grabs my attention if it’s not their thing, I give them space to formulate their own opinion and we move forward from there.

Sharing different versions of ourselves isn’t just contained to who we are with our children, we do this with every relationship we have in our lives. Think about who you are at work versus who you are when you’re out with friends, are they the same person? There will be some who say they’re the same regardless of who is or isn’t around and I just don’t believe that to be true. I don’t believe that the person who got drunk enough to dance on a table the other night would show that same energy and persona in her board meeting on a Tuesday, they are not the same and that’s okay. Many will say that if you’re one way with this person or that person, you’re being fake and not your true, authentic self and I don’t follow that line of thinking. I believe we show the side we are comfortable with those in our presence and it varies by who is around.

Everyone doesn’t deserve the same version of you as there will be some in your life who need the gentle, nurturing side while others who need the always turned up version of you. Just as the person who constantly shits on and belittles you doesn’t deserve the kind side of you is deserving of your silence and distance, the person who’s always been there for you doesn’t deserve to have all your bad moments’ filled attitude, tone, and demeanor thrown at them at any given time. I am proud to say that, thru my healing, the version of myself that was angry and argumentative which stayed at the forefront has all but disappeared and been replaced with the knowledge of how and when to create boundaries. We all have different sides of ourselves, just be sure you’re always giving the healthiest version of yourself in any situation and, if that situation isn’t healthy, walk away, your mental health depends on it. Be great, my Loves!!