Hey my Lovelies! Well, here we are, the last hours of the last day of the year 2022, how did yours go? Did you get/achieve all you’d hoped to or were you disappointed in how life played out for you? I have come to learn that, essentially, shit happens and how it affects you moving forward is your choice, it will either make you better or bitter, what did you choose? For me, this year has had some ups and downs but I don’t regret any of it as it continued to shape me into the Queen I was created to be from day one, just took a lil longer than it should have as I’m hard headed and insist on doing things my way but this year I got out of my own way and let life bless me. As I’ve stated before, I don’t make resolutions for the new year as I have a very hard time sticking to a list of things to do, more like a refusal as I have an issue being told what to do even if I am the one who made the list. Instead of making a list of things I know I’ll never do, I like to take time to reflect on the last 12 months of my life and all I’ve been thru, learned, and experienced and this year is no different.
I am very happy to announce that I fell in love in 2022. I know some of you may be perplexed as I’m always boasting about how happy I am to be single but, it’s true, I fell in love with someone I’ve known my whole life. This Queen is not perfect and has her flaws but worthy of everything I have to give, she’s viewed as a little odd in the eyes of most but that’s what makes her that much more intriguing and appealing to me, she has been thru a lot of shit in her life but that doesn’t take away from the wonderful, loving, and caring person she is, she is a smart ass but her wit tickles and is endearing to me, and she believed her traumas and what has happened to her made her weak and unwanted but seeing how she has survived what would’ve broken most makes me admire her strength that much more. Who is this fandamntastic woman who has stolen my heart? She is me and I will go to the ends of the earth and do everything in my power to protect her as I’ve done quite the shitty job in the past but she is worth the fight and no longer taking a backseat to anyone who doesn’t appreciate all she is and has to offer.
In the year of 2022, I turned half a century and learned a lot about myself to include what I do/don’t want, what I deserve, and that I won’t settle for less than I want, desire, or deserve from anyone. Turning 50 changed me in ways I wasn’t truly prepared for but embraced fully as it just feels good and right. I used to say all the time that I didn’t have a filter but year 50 made that an absolute reality as some things that come out of my mouth shock me as well as the person hearing it and I’m not even sorry. It may have taken me 50 years but I finally understand and grasp the fact that No is a full and complete sentence as I’ve said and stood firmly in it without offering any explanation which used to turn into me giving in but that version of me is no more. The most important thing I’ve learned about myself is that I am enough just as I am, no longer shrinking myself to accommodate someone else’s feelings or opinions of me, either you vibe with me or you don’t, I promise I’m not losing sleep over it anymore. Turning the big 5-0 brought clarity and a realization that the only thing in my life I will force is my jeans over my ass, not relationships nor friendships, just jeans.
At this stage of my life, the most important thing to me is my peace, I’ve worked too hard to obtain it and am not willing to sacrifice it for anyone. For most of my life, I have been a people pleaser for others in belief they’d stay in my life as long as conformed to what they wanted me to be without realizing how much of myself I had to sacrifice to appease the people who wouldn’t do the same for me. I am no longer pouring all of myself into others who are too selfish to pour back into me and this has forced me to create boundaries and cut people out of my life. Was this a hard lesson to learn? Hell yeah because all I knew how to do was dim my own light as I was afraid of someone being upset with me for simply being me. At this point in my life, my peace is way too important to be disturbed by the temper tantrum of a grown ass adult who doesn’t get their way with no regard to my feelings. This lesson was also hard because some of the people I held closest, now have to be kept at arm’s length to protect my mental health and peace.
This year I decided to be a lot more transparent about mental health and my struggles with it as I know I’m not alone but that’s not the only reason I’ve shared as I have this year. I share the signs and struggles of mental health issues as there are many who made another’s worse by dismissing how serious it was by labeling it as being ‘in a mood/funk’ when they were unable to deal with anything life related. I speak on it in hopes someone will gain an understanding of what it’s like to be happy and joyful one day and barely able to get out of bed the next.
Like most of you, I was raised that it wasn’t okay not to be okay, we just had to push thru all of the bullshit that came our way regardless of how soul crushing it was. My transparency has opened the door to many conversations and promises from others to be accountable and learn more in order to be more supportive but my eyes were opened with the understanding people learn what they want when they want and will regress when they are held to the fire. It is what it is, no one else’s stagnation and refusal to grow will stunt my growth.
This year, I took my self-love and healing journey seriously and even dedicate one day a week to my self-care. On this journey, I have healed parts of myself I had previously been too scared to revisit out of fear of being broken to the point of a meltdown but it was worth it as my spirit actually feels lighter without that unhealed pain weighing it down. What I wasn’t prepared to discover was how much my confidence has grown since I stepped on this path, no longer do I enter a room and try to be invisible out of fear of what others may think or say about me.
I have come to the understanding that I am not intimidating in the least and if someone is intimidated by me, that’s not my issue, it’s theirs. I have always liked my clothes but this year, I stepped out of my comfort zone of black and loose-fitting items and embraced my womanly curves tastefully. Yes, I have to add ‘tastefully’ as some embrace their curves by putting everything on display and looking like they earn their money by standing on a corner and providing services for fees and that ain’t me. My increased confidence has afforded me opportunities at work as I received a promotion which affords me the ability to travel more and, even though I’m busting my ass on travel, the experience is well worth the work.
I’m not a planner but I have a legit reason for it: I was raised that if you ever wanted to hear GOD laugh, tell HIM your plans. Being someone with O.C.D., taking the time and effort to intricately plan things with any moving parts will wreck my psyche as it rarely turns out exactly as the vision I have in my mind and then I feel as though I failed and then I begin to spiral so, I don’t make a lot of plans unless I have absolute and complete control over it. I have let go of trying to control each and every aspect of my daughters’ lives and let them grow into the wonderful women they are meant to be as I know I laid a solid foundation for them to build upon.
Has 2022 been a bit of a doozy? Yep, it sure has but you’ve awakened each day on this side of the dirt with another chance to do and be better, don’t waste it. Every day isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows, there will be some darkness but you have the choice to sit in it or understand shit happens and get on with your life, choose wisely as tomorrow’s not promised to anyone. Enjoy your New Year’s Eve celebrations responsibly and make 2023 even better than 2022, you’ve got this! Be great, my Loves!
