Hey, hey, my Lovelies! A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my sister about our very different interactions and experiences with each of our parents. The different versions we each received from them would have an outsider firmly believing we didn’t even share the same parents, not to mention being raised in the same household, as that’s how much it varied between the two of us. I’d be telling a bold face lie if I said there wasn’t a time in my life, well, most of my life, when I didn’t envy the relationship and bond my mother and sister share but I’ve come to learn and understand that our parents knew their uniquely different children at their core and gave the version which would best serve each of us.
Let’s start with the version of our mother I received, shall we? I got the strait-laced, no holds barred, takes shit from no one, never a hair out of place, the pure embodiment of dignity, grace, and strength who commanded respect of every room she has ever walked into, and never cursed around or drank with me. Yes, that’s the mother I experienced and the woman I still call Mommie at 50 years of age as that’s who she is to me, it doesn’t feel natural to call her Ma, Momma, or Mom. I feel safe in saying that most of you were told, “I am your mother, not one of your lil friends” and she stuck to that like super glue! Yes, I am 50 years old and my mother still doesn’t really curse around me unless she is severely pissed and is the reason that, no matter how much I may want to, I don’t use the F-word in any of my blogs, I’m still scared she’ll appear and smack the cowboy piss out of me.
The version of our mother my sister received was more laid back as, on the surface, they appear to be alike and have more in common. My mother and sister both ride motorcycles and my sister became a member of the all-female motorcycle club my mother created which meant they experienced a lot more things than my mother and I ever would as I’m too uptight and prissy to endure some of their adventures.
My mother and sister have regularly drank together as they both like beer whereas I prefer liquor or wine. Who my mother is with my sister is the throw on a t-shirt and some jeans with a baseball cap on to go to the store or wherever but, with me, she puts on ensemble which matches from head to toe, does her hair, and grabs a jacket that matches the outfit. Damn, I’m starting to sound all the way adopted! I digress. From my perspective, they were friends as whenever my sister needed my mother, she would go running to be by her side and I got lectured for not doing better and able to do for myself.
Some are aware that my mother and I had a very strained relationship for most of my life but I’ve come to understand I was part of the problem as I let my envy of their relationship build a wall that was damn near impossible to penetrate or cross. I lived in ego and felt she ‘liked’ my sister more than me which lead me to feeling unworthy of being liked by my mother. Yeah, that’s not the case, not even a little bit and it saddens me that so much time was wasted being at odds with one another but am happy we are no longer wasting 1 minute of the time we have left. I always said my mother didn’t know me but that too is a lie because my mother knew me enough as her child to give me the version of herself which would serve me best and knew I didn’t need the version my sister got.
Please don’t get it twisted, my mother and sister haven’t always had an ideal relationship as they are Scorpion women and would go at it hard as my sister is a rebel who danced around every line my mother ever drew for us. Me, on the other hand, absolutely feared the woman who birthed me and ruled with an iron fist, I knew she wasn’t one to play with. My sister will say that my mother was afraid of me because I was so sensitive but I don’t view it that way as there’s nothing anyone could say that would make me believe my mother ever feared me, that just doesn’t sit right with my spirit. I will say that my mother understood her child was sensitive and didn’t want to upset her. Let me throw this in there as well because I believe in transparency: I also had quite the instant attitude if I thought I was going to be told No and no one wanted to deal with my mean ass most of the time so, I just got my way.
Yes, I was a brat, there’s no way around it and I own it. My mother knew that dealing with my sister was a battle but to fully deal with me would be a long-drawn-out war because, truth be told, I am just like her as we are strong minded women who are unwavering in our views, we just happen to be on opposite ends of the subject most times.
After the conversation I had with my sister, I thought about the relationships I have with my daughters and own I have handled them differently as they are very unique in their personalities, what works for one would never work for the other. I have my oldest who is a former tomboy recluse who loves video games and solitude and then there’s my fashion diva who shares the latest makeup and hair trends while binge watching my ratchet reality shows with me. I share the versions of myself which will best serve them at that specific time in their life but, as they’ve gotten older, they now get pretty much the same version of me………. I think.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I can’t call the oldest and have a tea spilling session about the latest scandal on RHOP ® because she doesn’t care, not even a little bit. Even though they are vastly different young women, I take an interest in what makes their face light up when they speak about it. I respect them both enough not to force them to take an interest in what grabs my attention if it’s not their thing, I give them space to formulate their own opinion and we move forward from there.
Sharing different versions of ourselves isn’t just contained to who we are with our children, we do this with every relationship we have in our lives. Think about who you are at work versus who you are when you’re out with friends, are they the same person? There will be some who say they’re the same regardless of who is or isn’t around and I just don’t believe that to be true. I don’t believe that the person who got drunk enough to dance on a table the other night would show that same energy and persona in her board meeting on a Tuesday, they are not the same and that’s okay. Many will say that if you’re one way with this person or that person, you’re being fake and not your true, authentic self and I don’t follow that line of thinking. I believe we show the side we are comfortable with those in our presence and it varies by who is around.
Everyone doesn’t deserve the same version of you as there will be some in your life who need the gentle, nurturing side while others who need the always turned up version of you. Just as the person who constantly shits on and belittles you doesn’t deserve the kind side of you is deserving of your silence and distance, the person who’s always been there for you doesn’t deserve to have all your bad moments’ filled attitude, tone, and demeanor thrown at them at any given time. I am proud to say that, thru my healing, the version of myself that was angry and argumentative which stayed at the forefront has all but disappeared and been replaced with the knowledge of how and when to create boundaries. We all have different sides of ourselves, just be sure you’re always giving the healthiest version of yourself in any situation and, if that situation isn’t healthy, walk away, your mental health depends on it. Be great, my Loves!!
Worth the wait. I really enjoyed