Hey my Lovelies! How have y’all been? Did you have a good holiday with family, friends, and delicious food? Me too as I was blessed to have my baby come spend time with me and then we spent time with my family, the reassurance I needed to remind me how truly blessed I am. I have missed my family but the reason I’d not spent Thanksgiving with them is because they are the full embodiment of my Daddy and it was too hard for me to be around them for a while. Yes, I know it was selfish and am grateful for this healing journey as that sadness was replaced with joy and love of my family.
While my healing journey has helped me move past the grief of losing my Daddy and been able to appreciate who and where I am in life, it’s also taped my eyelids open so I’ve no choice but to see the unhealed parts of those I hold closest and dearest to my heart. Even though I didn’t fully know what to expect when I committed to this journey, I’m taken aback by seeing how toxic those closest to me truly are and my heart breaks because I have to choose myself over their disrespect of my pain, belittling of my traumas, and utter lack of shits to give about my feelings. Now, had this been about 10 years ago, I’d have eagerly joined right into the fire of an argument and spewed every gut-punching statement I could to get them off of me but, healed me ain’t here for the shits anymore and she stays calm regardless of what is being said because, really, what’s the point?
An area my eyes are opened is seeing that someone who didn’t walk 2” in my shoes feels they have license to tell me how to feel about my trauma and when to get over soul shattering pain. Let me explain something to those of you who may be unaware, if you’ve not lived in the house, you’ve no right to speak on what took place in it as though you did. While it’s true someone shared what happened in the house, you didn’t experience any of it and have no license to speak on it at any point in your life. You have even less right to only bring it up to intentionally try to open a wound it’s taken the other person a lot of therapy, self-reflection, and tears to move beyond. You know what I find funny? The same person who will tell you to get over your trauma is the same person who will bring up and remind you of who you were at your lowest and most broken as a means to seem better than you.
Baybee! Don’t be fooled by these miserable ass souls because all they’re doing is proving how much better you truly are because you no longer live at the place of the porch they’re standing on wondering why their knocks are going unanswered.
I have also learned that when you begin to heal, you don’t get sympathy for being attacked by the unhealed because they always have an enabler coddling and gassing them up as though they’re right. No ma’am/sir, it’s 2022, we are no longer tolerating that level of bullshit because the enabler will be cut off quicker than Toxic Tonya/Tony for being weak, we’ve no space in our peace for nonsense.
The scary part is, you don’t always recognize TT because they appear to be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, boosting you up when you’re down but, pay attention and see if they have that same energy when you’re up. As long as you’re doing less than or on their same level, they’re always there for you with words of encouragement but the moment you solidly stand on your own two feet, spread your wings, and learn to fly, here come the negative comments and unsolicited advice on how you should handle your life as though you’re not supposed to be living your best life because they didn’t take the time to grow with you.
I own that I’ve been down, like, way down to the point I wasn’t able to support myself and children but I was blessed to have people in my life who stepped in and filled the spaces I couldn’t. Yes, I am very grateful to these women because they kept food in our stomachs, lights on, and made sure we had everything we needed. When I tell you that was a humbling experience, you’ve no idea which is why I am so appreciative of where I am now in life. Thru that struggle, I came to learn there are 2 types of helpers in your life: those who help you out of the kindness of their hearts and refuse to accept a Thank You because that’s not why the did it and then you have those who do it to be able hold it over your head in order to attempt to knock you down a peg at their whim. We all have some form of social media and see the videos of people purposely recording them helping a homeless person or a mother who can’t afford diapers for their baby and rush to put that person’s lowest moment on social media to get kudos for being a good person. How good are you that you couldn’t just do the deed and go home with a full heart for being in a position to help someone less fortunate? No, my person didn’t record anything and brag about it but it’s been repeatedly thrown in my face and no longer being tolerated – line drawn and boundary created.
If you are someone who seeks out an argument by being antagonizing towards another person and just keep taking low blows until they respond with the same energy, we are not the same. I do my best not to argue because it’s a waste of time and energy but was told by my therapist that what I do is worse which is methodically speaking in a calm, collected tone revealing their deepest, darkest secret. Do I feel it’s worse than arguing? Nope because my main goal is to get someone up off of me and shut them up so, I speak to the one truth I know will cut to the depths of their core. Wait, I used to do that, I’ve gotten better because doing so makes me no better than them screaming at me at the top of their lungs as our main goal is to see who can cause the most emotional damage. I am still a smart ass, that shit is never going away but I’ve learned not to be so hurtful towards people I care about regardless if they feel or view the situation the same, not my circus, untrained monkeys, or cross to bear.
While I was hesitant to step on the path of this journey, I’m grateful I did but also understand it wouldn’t have been accomplished at any other time in my life. There were many times I swore up and down I wanted to heal, grow, and be a better woman, mother, and human being but I truly wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t have been able to handle this process well enough to reap all the benefits I’m experiencing. Is it hard? Hell yeah! Is it always sunshine and rainbows? Hell no! Even in all of its beautiful ugliness, I would love to encourage everyone to begin their journey but I am also aware there are many who don’t see any wrong within themselves or their actions, therefore, they’ll probably never change. Knowing that some closest to me will continue to live in misery and be fueled by the pain which now presents itself as anger absolutely breaks my heart but I have to be okay with knowing I can’t save everyone, that’s not my or anyone else’s purpose here. We help and save those who are willing to grab a hold of our hand while hanging off that cliff and cry for those whose pride won’t let them see the flames of hell burning beneath them.
Take a moment to examine your relationships and see who your true cheerleaders and helpers are but you’re going to have to be okay with the realization of who you thought was in your corner was actually your biggest hater. Yes, hater is a strong word but what else would you call someone who’s only happy with you when you’re down and resentful when you’re soaring? When you see people for who they are, it’s going to hurt, you may even cry because you’d never imagine your ride or die secretly wishes you bad because they feel you’ve outgrown them and try to bring you back down to their level. Once you begin to grow in the healthiest way possible, you’ll understand how impossible it is to shrink and regress to the former self you took the time to heal what once fueled that darkness and it becomes unfamiliar and unrecognizable, you may even judge yourself for who you used to be. Stay the course of healing, you’ve got but one life to live, do what you can to make it one of peace, love, and joy. Be great, my Loves!
