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The one thing I remember my parents drilling into my head when I was growing up was “Whatever you did to get him, you have to continue to do to keep him” and that merely means you have to continue to woo, court and date your partner, put forth that effort.  A commitment made doesn’t mean you stop, that’s giving up and showing that they are no longer worth your effort.

Ladies, just as we like to be wooed, so do men.  They actually like to receive a card in the mail at their job just to let them know you are thinking of them or getting Shari’s Berries because it’s Tuesday or he’s been having a rough few days at work.  Think of the things that your man does for you that make you smile and how it makes you feel, don’t you want him to feel the same?  Everyone likes to feel desired, appreciated and wanted when they are in a relationship and the small things will keep that spark lit.

Remember in the beginning?  You would plan your outfit, thinking of which cute dress and heels you were going to wear that showed off your best assets, making sure your shoes didn’t make you walk like a newborn calf, kept your hair, nails and toes done because you had a new Boo?  You thought about your outfit and appearance all the time because you didn’t want to let him know you had some rough days, those days don’t exist in the beginning.  While I am not a vain person, I have always been one to take pride in my appearance, I keep myself up for me, first and foremost, when you’re doing it to appease someone else, you’ll see it as a chore and will soon resent having to do it.  Although there are times I just have veg days and walk around the house looking like absolute hell, avoiding mirrors at all costs, I’m usually home alone, these days are very necessary and needed. There is no way I would ever leave my house with rollers in my hair or a bonnet on my head dressed in a bathrobe or raggedy sweatpants and a t-shirt.

When you get in relationship, after a couple/few years, you get “comfortable”, you go from sleeping in cute sexy night clothes to getting into bed in old sweat pants or ratty flannel, walking around the house with eye boogers, your hair in rollers, nail polish is always chipped and barely talking to him, what happened?!  Well, you got comfortable and feel he should accept you for who and how you are, that’s what love is all about, right?  Eh, in a sense, yes, it is, we are supposed to accept and love people for who they are because that’s what we desire as well. The thing is this, who and how you have become a couple years in is not who he dated.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you have to wear a full face of make up all day every day and wear the skimpiest lingerie to bed every night, that’s doesn’t work for anyone, it isn’t a reality of any sort.  Just because you feel you’ve now got them doesn’t mean you no longer have to try, once you give up trying to look good or even date your partner, you are opening the door for a wandering eye, a gentle flirtation, an intimate conversation with someone else.  Ceasing to put forth that effort dims the spark and invites in outsiders who mean your relationship no good.

Last year, Boris Kodjoe made a comment that enraged a lot of women:

“What if I gained 200 pounds? And then she’ll look at me like, really? And I couldn’t even blame her if she started looking around.  Because I took her off the market, so I have to deliver what the market could possibly deliver for her.  So, I gotta take that place. Right? So, I gotta fulfill those things that the market could’ve given her.  I’m the market now, so I got to keep it Hot and she has to do the same for me”.

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with that statement.  Ladies, I understand our bodies go thru changes over time, I totally get it, childbirth, diet, stress and working can all cause weight gain but is no excuse to let yourself go and expect him to accept an excessive weight gain or lackadaisical attitude towards your appearance.  If you married a man who was lean and cut and 2 years into the relationship, he gained 75 lbs, stopped working out, walked around with a gut and man boobs, would you find that sexy? Understand this, getting comfortable has nothing to do with letting him see you at your worst all the time, it has to do with allowing him see what’s inside of you, those places that you have kept hidden and protected, never sharing with anyone else.

 

“You’re fat”  “You’re ugly” “You wear Bo-Bos/off brand clothes/shoes” “You’re too dark” “You’re too light” “You have nappy hair” “You’re too tall/short” “You’re poor” “Nobody likes you”

 So very many times, we sit and think “Why don’t they like me”? “Why is he with her and not me”? “Is it my hair, my clothes, my make-up”? “Why am I not good enough”?  These questions are your insecurities screaming at you the insignificant things that destroy your ego and self-confidence.   We have all questioned ourselves at some point in our lives because there will always be someone prettier/more handsome, someone with more money, better clothes, a nicer home, even a better disposition.  Now, this is not to say you are not great and have a lot going for you, you do, but there will just always be someone with more.

The worst part of insecurities is we don’t always acknowledge that we have them, we tend to lash out at others’ shortcomings in hopes no one will notice ours.  Ummmmm, how does that help anyone?  One of the toughest parts of an insecurity is we don’t always know how or when it came to be.  Think back, who’s the first person who called you fat?  Or told you that you weren’t smart enough to go to this or that school?  Or your clothes aren’t good enough?  A seed was planted SOMEwhere but we accepted it as something being wrong with it and we’ve worn it so long, it’s become a part of us.  Most of us are very unaware of how a seed planted long ago is affecting every relationship in our present day as well as those in our past.  Most of us have also been victims of those who haven’t acknowledged their long ago planted seeds and it’s destroyed us and our hearts because we tried to love and be there for them since we felt no one else had ever been.  Insecurities can stem from so many various places, from having your parent leave you and never have an interest in spending any time with you to a sibling who didn’t appreciate you being born and taking what they deemed as their spotlight.  The reason someone chooses to break your confidence is, unfortunately, usually never discussed, dealt with and healed so both parties can grow and be better.  Instead, we tear each other down with our words and actions because we feel inferior to them for something beyond their control.  No one can control their skin complexion, eye color (well, in this day and age, you can buy them but still), hair texture, height or body shape yet, there are many who judge and criticize others for these features.  I may have missed something in the womb because I don’t recall seeing a panel for me to choose my appearance while I was in there.

As we grow biologically, we carry these insecurities someone else has given us, everything from the little girl in first grade who made fun of your shoes to the little boy who made fun of your hair or skin color to even the family member who criticized your laugh.  These little, simple things affect you in ways you don’t understand unless you take the time to deal with issues that will arise later in life affecting the way you handle every relationship from romantic, friendship and even familial.

I know that I’m not the only one that has been in a relationship with someone that had unacknowledged insecurities, there’s no way possible.  For many of us, we don’t recognize their insecurities as theirs due to the way they are presented.  Ever been with someone and all of a sudden you dress like a whore even though it’s no different than when you met nor is it even actually revealing?  No? Ever been picked apart in every facet of your existence, like, you can’t even sweep the floor correctly?  Believe it or not, this has absolutely nothing to do with you and how you dress or sweep, it has to do with the other person’s insecurities within themselves.  In a way, you can take it as a compliment of sorts because this person thinks you are so fabulous they don’t deserve you at that level and do what they have to break you down to their level.  Yeah, I said “of sorts” because it’s not truly a compliment if it breaks your spirit.   The most hurtful comments come from those we love and trust the most and that’s why they are able to do the most damage, we believe they want nothing but the best for us so, we follow their lead and change who we are to gain their approval.  This mindset doesn’t just pertain to romantic relationships, friendships and the relationships you have with other family members can provide the same result.  Many bitter, angry people are just broken children who never understood there was nothing wrong with them and grew up still damaged, carrying it forward and taking out on others.