The one thing I remember my parents drilling into my head when I was growing up was “Whatever you did to get him, you have to continue to do to keep him” and that merely means you have to continue to woo, court and date your partner, put forth that effort. A commitment made doesn’t mean you stop, that’s giving up and showing that they are no longer worth your effort.
Ladies, just as we like to be wooed, so do men. They actually like to receive a card in the mail at their job just to let them know you are thinking of them or getting Shari’s Berries because it’s Tuesday or he’s been having a rough few days at work. Think of the things that your man does for you that make you smile and how it makes you feel, don’t you want him to feel the same? Everyone likes to feel desired, appreciated and wanted when they are in a relationship and the small things will keep that spark lit.
Remember in the beginning? You would plan your outfit, thinking of which cute dress and heels you were going to wear that showed off your best assets, making sure your shoes didn’t make you walk like a newborn calf, kept your hair, nails and toes done because you had a new Boo? You thought about your outfit and appearance all the time because you didn’t want to let him know you had some rough days, those days don’t exist in the beginning. While I am not a vain person, I have always been one to take pride in my appearance, I keep myself up for me, first and foremost, when you’re doing it to appease someone else, you’ll see it as a chore and will soon resent having to do it. Although there are times I just have veg days and walk around the house looking like absolute hell, avoiding mirrors at all costs, I’m usually home alone, these days are very necessary and needed. There is no way I would ever leave my house with rollers in my hair or a bonnet on my head dressed in a bathrobe or raggedy sweatpants and a t-shirt.
When you get in relationship, after a couple/few years, you get “comfortable”, you go from sleeping in cute sexy night clothes to getting into bed in old sweat pants or ratty flannel, walking around the house with eye boogers, your hair in rollers, nail polish is always chipped and barely talking to him, what happened?! Well, you got comfortable and feel he should accept you for who and how you are, that’s what love is all about, right? Eh, in a sense, yes, it is, we are supposed to accept and love people for who they are because that’s what we desire as well. The thing is this, who and how you have become a couple years in is not who he dated. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you have to wear a full face of make up all day every day and wear the skimpiest lingerie to bed every night, that’s doesn’t work for anyone, it isn’t a reality of any sort. Just because you feel you’ve now got them doesn’t mean you no longer have to try, once you give up trying to look good or even date your partner, you are opening the door for a wandering eye, a gentle flirtation, an intimate conversation with someone else. Ceasing to put forth that effort dims the spark and invites in outsiders who mean your relationship no good.
Last year, Boris Kodjoe made a comment that enraged a lot of women:
“What if I gained 200 pounds? And then she’ll look at me like, really? And I couldn’t even blame her if she started looking around. Because I took her off the market, so I have to deliver what the market could possibly deliver for her. So, I gotta take that place. Right? So, I gotta fulfill those things that the market could’ve given her. I’m the market now, so I got to keep it Hot and she has to do the same for me”.
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with that statement. Ladies, I understand our bodies go thru changes over time, I totally get it, childbirth, diet, stress and working can all cause weight gain but is no excuse to let yourself go and expect him to accept an excessive weight gain or lackadaisical attitude towards your appearance. If you married a man who was lean and cut and 2 years into the relationship, he gained 75 lbs, stopped working out, walked around with a gut and man boobs, would you find that sexy? Understand this, getting comfortable has nothing to do with letting him see you at your worst all the time, it has to do with allowing him see what’s inside of you, those places that you have kept hidden and protected, never sharing with anyone else.
Great post and so true! I agree with you, we need to keep the upkeep going, relationships as spiritual as they are also include attraction and many people forget that. Keep up the good work!
xo Uma