Month: May 2016

When we care about someone, we care about every aspect of their being but sometimes the “caring” comes off as judgement.  We’ve all been in a situation at least once where we didn’t believe the man dating our friend/family member deserved her.  Here’s where you have to be the grown up and simply support your loved one.  Supporting her doesn’t mean you agree with the situation, it means you love her enough to be there for her thru everything that may transpire, good or bad.

When we love someone, we want nothing but the best for them and, sometimes, force our opinions and viewpoints on their relationship.  All that does is alienate you from your friend.  When we are in what we deem is love, all we see are sparkles and rainbows, we don’t see the bad, we don’t want to nor should we be forced to.  We feel the need to tell ourselves this is going to work, he’s not perfect but it’s going to work because I love him.  At this point, we don’t need our friends telling us what we kind of already know, we’re not always ready to have the rose colored glasses snatched off.  It’s easy to stand on the outside and look in to someone else’s relationship and see the many flaws and how it could or should be different but we tend to overstep our boundaries and repeatedly tell our friend what’s wrong with her man.  That’s a big no-no because all that does is push her closer to someone who may truly mean her no good but she feels she doesn’t have your support.

When we see things wrong in someone else’s relationship, as a friend, we feel it is our responsibility to talk to them and let them know what we see and how we feel.  While this is true, it should only be done ONCE.  If you are continually pointing out the flaws of the man she loves, she will begin to see you as the enemy.  Does this man have the most amount of couth you’ve ever experienced?  Is he the most driven person?  Best dresser?  Best communicator?  The no’s to these questions aren’t what truly matter, the answer to: Does he make her happy? is the one that matters most.  Has this man done messed up things to your friend (infidelity, disrespect, etc.)?  Maybe so but she chooses to stay with him and tolerate it, nothing you say will make her leave him alone until she is absolutely ready.

Supporting your friend means being there for her when she cries over something that happened in her relationship without saying “I told you so” or “I’m glad you finally saw what I’ve been telling you all along” or “Girl, it’s about damn time”.  She doesn’t want or need to hear any of that, she is hurting and just needs a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board to vent to, and you to be a voice of reason only when asked, never before. I’ve had situations where I don’t agree with the relationship but also learned it’s not my place to speak on it unless I’m asked.  Unwarranted advice is offensive because it’s attempted to be justified by those that love us, stating “I only tell you this because I love you”.  Yeah, that’s great.  When I’ve received unwarranted advice, I get offended because it makes me feel the person dishing it out doesn’t think I’m smart enough to already know what they are speaking on.  I’m not dumb and neither are you, our eyes are open, we see what’s going on and are dealing with the situation as we see fit.  Everyone isn’t going to agree with how you handle your issues in your relationship because it’s not how they would handle it.  Relationships are like snowflakes, no two are identical.  We all handle every situation differently because we are all different.  How you handle infidelity may not be how I handle it and vice versa but that doesn’t make either of us wrong, it’s our choice.

The main way to support your friend in her relationship is to treat him kindly.  When you walk in and already have a stank eye because he’s there, everyone notices and feels your energy, especially your friend.  You don’t have to be his best friend, your job is to be her best friend and treat him as an extension of her.  If you are rude to him every chance you get, the invites will slowly come to an end because she doesn’t want to have to choose between you and her man.  Relationships are hard enough as it is, there’s no need to bring unnecessary drama to someone else’s situation.  I understand you want to protect your friend from any type of hurt and heartache but it’s not your job and, actually, not possible.  You can’t want more for someone than they want for themselves.

Her relationship is her issue and hers to deal with, not yours.  It’s not easy standing by watching someone you love go thru hell but you can’t nitpick their eyes open either.   If you are constantly speaking only on the bad, she’ll slowly begin to pull away and tell you less and less about what is truly happening.  There are a couple of reasons this is bad: #1 ~ she’ll be alone in the best and worst times of her relationship, no one to share either news with, no one to get advice from, #2 ~ she won’t have anyone to rely on but him and he could possibly begin to abuse that power over her, and #3 ~ GOD forbid it ever gets physical, you may not know until it’s too late.

My experience, and you can probably relate, has been the main one bitching and complaining about my relationship has never had a successful one.  How can someone who’s not in a relationship tell you how to handle yours?  Funny, huh? I don’t give advice to anyone because if it is followed and causes the relationship to end, my friend ends up resenting me.  I learned a long time ago to just say how I handled it when I was in a similar situation while repeating “This is how I handled it but you may want to do it differently”.

Everyone needs to go thru things in their own time and experience trials and tribulations to grow into the person they were meant to be.  Your lack of support will only hinder that growth and cause them to repeat the necessary lesson over and over again until they finally get it.  We can’t take the test and learn the lessons for anyone but ourselves.  So, the next time your friend complains about her man, just listen and be there for her.  Yes, it is hard to hear some of the things she is going thru but until she is ready, she’s going to continue to go thru it.  Grab that box of tissues and some wine and sit with her while she unloads and continue to treat him as an extension of your friend.  That’s all you can and should do for those you love.

 

From ever since I can remember, my biggest fear has been losing someone I love, sadly, that fear became a reality on May 22, 2010 when my daddy passed away.  That was the most painfully indescribable moment in my life to date.  I never thought loss could physically hurt but when an unfillable void is created, it’s real and actual pain.  I would never wish that type of pain on another person but also understand it will happen to others, it’s life and no one makes it out of life alive.  Thru losing half of my beginning, I learned how absolutely short and precious life truly is.  I also learned I hadn’t been living the life I was blessed with.

The majority of us go thru life day to day merely existing by taking care of children, spouses, bills and working. Somewhere in there, we may take a vacation here or there but then it’s back to the grind and that day to day existence.  I watched my daddy take vacations, go out and have a good time, he always had a smile on his face and love in his heart.  It wasn’t until I lost him did I realize I had rarely ever genuinely smiled, took everything personally and to heart, and just took life itself so seriously I seemed to walk around in a bad mood.  I don’t wish that existence on anyone but, unfortunately, I watch just about everyone I know exist in that manner in some form or other more often than not. We spend so much time working and worrying about providing an extravagant life for our family, we never take the time to get to know and enjoy them.  Sure you may have a high paying job which enables you to give your family a great lifestyle but what does it matter if you have no time to spend with them because you’re always working to ensure that lifestyle is maintained?  Your babies won’t be babies for very long, your parents/grandparents won’t live forever, your friends won’t always be here and neither will you, you can’t get those days back.

We are a society so concerned with, not only keeping up with the Joneses but constantly trying to surpass them which, in turn, makes us work that much harder outside of the home and away from family.  We miss many family gatherings because we are working.  I’m a simple woman, I don’t need top of the line, named brand everything to be happy.  Do I like nice things? Of course but I like laughing and being silly with my daughters more.  I enjoy spending the day with my sister just chilling at her house on the deck with a bottle or few of wine.  Spending a Friday night with my daughters watching movies we’ve seen multiple times while eating pizza and just joking around is my idea of heaven. I won’t get these days back so I take them in as often as I can.  One day, all my daughters will have are memories of me and I do what I can to make them the best I can while I can.  I want my daughters to have memories of the trips we take to the zoo and museums, just spending time together not that I was never there because I was always working to give them the latest fashions and shoes, material things don’t create lasting memories.

We always think we have time to do this or that but, unfortunately, it’s not our plan that takes the actions, it’s GOD’s plan in HIS timing, not ours.  I know I’ve said many times, “Oh, I’ll go see so & so next weekend, I just don’t feel like it today” and that next weekend never comes because I get so pre-occupied with my own things I just never make it, feeling as though I have an unlimited amount of time.  The sad reality is, when you put off going to see someone you care about, next weekend is never promised.  The knowledge that tomorrow is never promised is why I try to keep on at least decent terms with those I care about because I don’t want the last interaction I had with them to be a negative or nasty one.  To know the last time I spoke to my friend we had an argument and now they’re gone? There’s no way I can make that right, there’s no way I can say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” and that will weigh on me for the rest of my life.

Over the last several years, I’ve become a very patient and attentive listener because I rarely had one in my life and would never want someone I care about to experience the feeling of either not being heard or understood or as though their feelings didn’t matter.  I have also learned to speak up when I feel tension even if I don’t know what is wrong, I speak on it because life is too short to worry and wonder why a wall is being built between me and someone I care about.  The unfortunate aspect of this is other people would rather walk around stewing in their own anger and animosity throwing dirt on your name and character to others than to open their mouths and say “You hurt me when you………………” to enable the conversation can progress from there.  Do I understand things don’t always work out?  Yes, I do but I also believe that nothing beats a failure but a try.  If I don’t try to communicate, I’m just as guilty as the other person and a good relationship dies for a petty, sometimes unknown, reason.  I also understand sometimes things weren’t supposed to work out, sometimes it was just a lesson I needed to learn.  Maybe you needed to learn to confront people when they have wronged you or maybe you needed to learn how to communicate your feelings to finally be heard.  You won’t get the message at first but in time, it will click.  There’s no need for childish grudges, we are adults and need to begin to act as such.

I am guilty of not spending time with those I love, I can’t and won’t make excuses, I’ll just own that I don’t do it as often as I should.  While I loved my daddy with every fiber of my being, I took for granted he would always be here because heroes never die, right?  It took him getting sick for me to fully grasp the reality of how limited our time here on earth is.  I refuse to wait until someone is sick before I make the effort to spend time with them, I won’t get them back once they are gone and there are many people in my life I deem irreplaceable, as I know you do.

The one thing I know for sure is I don’t want to leave this earth with a bucket list or wondering “what if”.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not jumping out of plane or climbing Mt. Everest but I will go out and enjoy myself, no longer being the wallflower too shy to actually enjoy and experience that moment in my life.  It’s okay to act a little crazy every now and then, you’re grown.  I’ve held back far too long for fear of naysayers judging me and worrying about what everyone else thinks of me.  I’ve been so concerned with pleasing everyone else with my actions I never truly got to know myself, I didn’t even like myself but I tried to make sure everyone else was happy never realizing I deserved to be happy.  I make sure I speak up when there’s tension between myself and another person because I don’t want the “what if” looming over my head, I’m a constant thinker and will drive myself crazy with scenarios that could be so far from reality but seem real to me.  It is my responsibility as an adult to communicate as an adult and not just cease communication when I get in my feelings.  Sometimes, that communication is not going to happen immediately because the situation is heated and cooler heads need to prevail in order for it to be effective and that may take a few days.

My point in all of this is life is too short to be anything but happy.  If you had a disagreement with someone, squash it, you may never be the friends you used to be but you can leave this earth knowing you tried and the air is clear.  If you aren’t close with family anymore due to a misunderstanding or miscommunication, reach out, you never know, they may miss you more than you do them.  Take that vacation!  Buy that sexy little black dress and find somewhere to wear it!  That cute guy you’ve been drooling over from afar all this time?  Talk to him because he’s probably been checking you out too but could be too shy to say anything or be intimidated by your beauty.  While life is too short it’s also about choices and you have to choose to step out on faith to get that new job or new car.  If you step out on faith and start to enjoy and appreciate the life that HE has blessed you with, I promise you, HE’s got you every step of the way.  Don’t wait to make things right, tomorrow may not come.

My parents instilled so much in me while I was growing up, I have carried those lessons forward in my everyday life and continue to instill them in my daughters.  My daughters are nearing dating age (please pray for me), their father and I make sure they know what is and is not acceptable from a guy and to always maintain their sense of self-worth. There is no way in hell they will leave this house to the honk of a horn! They are worthy of the young man turning off the car, coming to the door, ringing the doorbell and speaking to me or their father before she is to cross that threshold.  It’s called respect of us and our daughter, she’s worthy of it.  If she whines about him possibly leaving if she doesn’t go out when he honks the horn, he’s proven he’s not worthy of dating our daughter and free to drive off alone. Another lesson I maintain? When on a date, I always have my own money in case he expects something from me for what I ordered, we all know about “that side of the menu”.  I’m worth more than a steak dinner and will pay my half and Uber it home, never will I be forced into giving him the goods for a meal.

As you mature and age, you tend not to demand as much as you should because you want a relationship so badly.  When you were in your 20s, your standards were high because you felt the dating pool was deep and full of potential prospects, giving you the option to pick and choose.  When you near your 40s, that pool becomes shallow with picked over, bitter men. I, personally, don’t believe that’s any reason to lower my standards.  Have you become less worthy because you have experience and maturity? No, you’re more worthy of those standards being met and respected because you DO have life experience and maturity.  I understand everyone was raised differently but, again, that is no reason to feel and act as though you’re not worth a man treating you with dignity and respect.

I know too many females who have lowered their standards for a man who still wasn’t worthy of them once the bar was lowered.  To be a viable candidate, a man should bring to the table everything you have to offer.  For example, if you have a job, he should have a job; if you have a car, he should have a car; he should have somewhere to lay his head at night that isn’t in his momma’s house, especially if you have your own place, etc..  I’m not saying he should have the most expensive vehicle or highest paying job but have one.  Yes, I know people fall on hard times and may be between vehicles or have to move back home with their parents, I totally get it. Understand this, if he’s fine being without a vehicle and relying on others to get from point A to B or has been home for a few years, he has no intentions of making any changes anytime soon.

I believe and expect a man should be a man in all aspects of a relationship, just as a woman should.  If it snows and I have a man, I should not be outside shoveling snow.  Now, I will go out and help where I can but I’m not going to be the main one shoveling while he chills in the house, nor will I cut the grass with my so-called man in the house watching me do so.  If I’m getting up and working every day, an effort should be made on his part to do the same.  If he has an awkward work schedule or hours have been cut back and is off during the week, he should take the initiative to do things around the house, get my oil changed, wash some clothes, mop the floor, don’t just sit around like a bump on a log or playing video games all day. I should never have to worry about taking out the trash nor should I have to ask him to do so, we both see it’s full.

As women, we tend to enable males to be less than what we truly deserve because we want that relationship to work.  We sacrifice friendships and who we used to be in order to spend more time with him, we may even stop speaking our mind out of fear he will leave.  Here’s a question for you: what’s the worst that will happen if you speak your mind and he doesn’t like it?  Or if you enjoy girls’ night every now and then?  If he doesn’t like it and leaves, will you die? Will those you love and care about die? No? Okay, it’s time to get back in touch with who truly are, have girl time, invest in me time and speak up and communicate with him, if he can’t take it, he’s not the one for you.  Never want a relationship so badly you lose sight of who and how you truly are, always remain true to self and you’ll find the one who loves and encourages you to continue to grow and be who and how you naturally are.

Sometimes we relax our morals and standards after looking at the autopsies of failed relationships and feel if we had done this, that or the other differently, maybe we would currently be in our happily ever after.  We are quick to point out where we feel we may have messed up and vow, with our next opportunity for a relationship, to not be so quick to anger or go out with our friends so much.  An important aspect of any relationship is maintaining your individuality, you can’t have a successful relationship if it’s always all about that other person.  You have to have me time, go get your nails and toes done, get your hair done, have drinks with your girls, you’re allowed and need time apart or you’ll begin to feel smothered which will turn you bitter and looking at another relationship autopsy report.

I speak from experience because I lost sight of the strong woman I was raised to be just to appease a man and his ego. Although I may have been happy for a little while, I gradually grew miserable because I wasn’t being true to myself.  I cut off all of my friends, didn’t go out, went to fewer and fewer family gatherings and didn’t speak up when something was wrong for fear I would offend him and he’d leave. I endured a lot more than I should have because I thought I was the cause of our problems and didn’t want to ruffle his feathers because I didn’t think I could make it on my own. Those who know me today can’t fathom I was ever that way but I was, I wanted that relationship to work so badly I became unrecognizable to myself and others. I became someone he didn’t respect and even lost respect for myself once I reviewed the autopsy report. I am not bitter or angry with him for how things happened because I stayed and put up with it, hoping the more I sacrificed my morals and standards, the more apt he’d be to stay.  Even though the relationship didn’t work out, I feel blessed to say we are now once again very good friends and I speak my mind and am myself because I am free to be to do so.

Ladies, never get so deep in trying to appease and relying on someone else that you lose sight of who you were created to be. Your relationship is just that: YOURS, never let anyone else’s judgments have you remain in an unhealthy, uneven relationship.  If it’s not working (and neither is he), it’s okay to speak on what you want and deserve and up to him whether or not he is willing to deliver. You are worthy of having your door opened, trash taken out, being a passenger more than you are the driver, not having to be the main one footing the bills, we all deserve that love and respect in a relationship. Your representative, you know her, she’s the one who’s been in this relationship faking it til he wakes up? Yeah, her, she won’t be able to sustain a long term relationship because your true self, standards and morals are there and will come to the surface in due time.

Welp, it’s over, he’s not going to be your forever, for one reason or another, it just didn’t work.  What’s your next move?  Your first instinct may be to “bust the windows out his car”, scratch the paint, burn his clothes on the front lawn, bad mouth him on social media or even go to his job and cuss him out in front of his peers and co-workers.  Getting locked up, having charges and a restraining order filed against you which will, in turn, cause you financial issues due to your newly acquired record, and ruining your reputation by coming out of character is not the way to start the healing process from heart break.  So, put “Hot Sauce” away, put on some comfy clothes, get some junk food, turn on Netflix, get comfy on the couch and let it out.  It’s normal and necessary to cry, Babes, you need to release that pain, it is a loss, start grieving, just don’t unpack and stay there.  The tears come from the disappointment you may feel from the fact you thought this was going to be “the one” or your “happily ever after” and now? BAM!  You’re single again.

Break ups happen, some hurt more than others because there may have been some form of cheating or abuse by someone you trusted with every essence of your being. This could be in the form of emotional or physical, both hurt and cut deeply causing damage to your self-esteem and ego, having you feeling as though you aren’t good enough.  Although we carry these scars for the rest of our lives, we always have the option of whether we will become bitter or grow and be better. #choices

Here’s my question to you: Why you mad tho?  Yes, you’re hurting, feeling betrayed, trust is broken and faith in people is shook, promises weren’t lived up to, your weaknesses were used against you, they weren’t who you thought they were.  I can relate to the feeling of wanting to throat punch them for making you cry and breaking your heart, it’s a knee jerk reaction, we want to inflict pain on those who hurt us, it’s completely normal.  Having these feelings of hate, animosity and even violence are somewhat normal in the beginning!  When you begin to carry these feelings of hate and wanting to make this person’s life miserable months and years out? That’s far from normal and causing you to carry around unnecessary negativity, pain, anger and resentment.

How can you lead a normal life and find some semblance of happiness if you are still mad a relationship didn’t work out 10 months ago? Do you think he’s affected by you calling him all types of names to your friends?  Do you think he lays awake at night feeling your pain? It doesn’t matter if he’s hurting or not, his pain is not going to take yours away, it is yours to deal with and heal from. Yes, you loved him and he hurt you. Many nights have been spent crying yourself to sleep, over analyzing what went wrong, not realizing, even if things been handled differently, it’s the past and he still wouldn’t be there.  Sorry to break it to you, no matter what you did or how things could have been done differently, they weren’t and he wasn’t the one and not meant to be your forever.  So, I’ll ask again, why you mad tho?

Too many times, people go to extremes with their hurt, which has now turned in to anger and rage, and cause damage that can’t be reversed or undone.  So, you and your child’s father didn’t work out and he has moved on, why do the children need to be affected and made to feel they have to hate that parent as well? The fact the 2 of you didn’t work out as a couple means now you work that much harder as parents and doing what’s best for the child who didn’t ask to be here. No child should be made to suffer because you’re in your feelings, the issues between 2 adults is the reason the relationship is history.  There are so many parents who want and try to be involved in their child’s life but the other parent is still hurting, angry, and bitter and uses the child as a pawn to make that other person hurt.  Who’s the one who suffers the most? Yes, the child and for what? Because your ex didn’t turn out to be the person you thought they were?  Yeah, that’s fair…………………seriously, why you mad tho?

Another, yet common, extreme reaction to a break up is sleeping with multiple people thinking it will do 1 of 3 things: help you heal faster, “To get over someone, get under someone else”, believe he will learn of it and hurt because you are sharing yourself with other guys, making him feel insignificant or have him begging you to take him back.  NEWSFLASH!  None of these will work at all.  There will be no healing if you don’t take the time to deal with the pain of the loss, it will still be there no matter how many people you’ve been with, it doesn’t go away until you’ve acknowledged it, grieved and put yourself back together better than before you even met them.  Going on dates will boost your ego temporarily because you feel desired and are getting attention from a man for a few hours on a date but when he’s not there, here come the tears of the pain you’ve tried to suppress and deny. Your heart will still hurt and yearn for your ex.

Why are you mad?  You’re mad because you didn’t get an apology from someone who hurt you or there was no closure, it just ended or because you feel foolish for believing they would change and be better for you.  Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact you will never receive that apology and move on with your life.  Staying stuck in this moment of pain and questions of “why” will only make you a miserable person, never seeing the wonderful things life, this world and other people have to offer you.

Life is about choices, every choice you make creates your Karma, good or bad.  If you choose to be bitter and destructive, that’s all you will encounter but if you choose to see the positive in all people, things and situations, your life will be abundantly rich with goodness and happy feelings.  So, put on your big girl panties and choose to learn and grow from this experience, if you don’t, you’ll stay stuck and miss out on “the one” who will be your ”happily ever after”, you deserve it, we all do!