Month: August 2016

I will be the first to own and admit I used to be the QUEEN of grudges, I’ve held grudges so long I forgot what I was mad at the person for in the first place. Yes, looking back, I realize I was petty and immature but am so glad to be blessed enough to see how foolish my actions were because I am not that person anymore, haven’t been her in quite some time but, unfortunately, I know some biologically grown people who are still in that mind set. I felt that if I wasn’t constantly angry with them they would think it was okay to do what they did or, ignorantly enough, they won and I refused to let anybody beat me. The reality is? They still won because I was so wrapped up in trying to make them feel bad by not speaking to them, stank eyeing them, having an attitude whenever they were around or throwing shade,I didn’t see they were moving on with their lives and accomplishing their goals. Here I was sitting here drinking poison waiting for them to die. Thank goodness for growth and maturity, huh?

The truth of the matter is, people are going to hurt you, it happens to the best of us at some point in our lives, it can’t be avoided because that pain is needed for growth. I held the grudges because I didn’t know how to forgive, I believed if I forgave someone who had mistreated me then I was condoning what they had done and they’d treat someone else in the same manner, I didn’t understand the forgiveness was for me and my well-being. I carried a lot of resentment, hostility, hurt and anger for years and was miserable because I didn’t realize it was my own doing, really had nothing to do with the other person. Once I learned about the importance of forgiveness and how to actually forgive, I sat down and wrote a list of all the people who I felt had done me wrong and what they’d done and I forgave them thru prayer, I didn’t verbalize it with the other person because it wasn’t about them at that time.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did but at the same time, you can’t hold what they did over their head for eternity, this only means you haven’t truly forgiven them. If you can genuinely forgive someone for doing you wrong, the memories of how they mistreated you will become stepping stones in your growth not blocks in future relationships and situations. Telling someone you forgive them but always using their past against them when you see them doing well isn’t truly forgiving them, those words were said merely to appease them not because you meant it. It’s going to hurt, you were betrayed and felt disrespected by someone you loved and trusted and that pain doesn’t go away with “I forgive you” because words cannot erase the pain. It’s up to you how you use the pain, do you carry it around like a 2 ton weight, never enjoying life as it was meant to be or do you take the time to heal from the pain and move forward with a smile on your face and in your heart? The way we handle the hurt inflicted on us by others is what determines who we will be and how we handle every single relationship moving forward in our lives. Forgiveness doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships because betrayal can come from a friend, sibling, cousin, or even a parent. The inability or lack of desire to forgive can turn you bitter and hinder you from being in a successful relationship with another person because you’re harboring hurt or resentment towards the person who is no longer a factor in your life, it prevents you from letting someone else in. As I’ve grown and matured, I’ve come to realize just how vital communication is between people when there is conflict. When we’ve done someone wrong, we expect to be forgiven because we said “I’m sorry”, why aren’t others as worthy?

While it may seem as though forgiving someone is hard enough, it’s even harder to do without an apology because in this instance, we feel that if they aren’t sorry, they don’t care, therefore, they’re not worthy of our forgiveness. The amount of strength it takes for someone to apologize is more than some are willing to bear because they’re not ready to admit they’ve done something wrong and all you can do is forgive them and pray they will find the strength to heal from whatever is hurting them and move on with your life.

The most crucial and meaningful relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself, that’s the one which needs the most nurturing and care and the one which receives the least amount of forgiveness. I learned about self-forgiveness a few years after I learned how to forgive others and I will tell you, for me? This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because, for so long, I blamed others for my pain never realizing the times I had been hurt by others, I was actually breaking my own heart, causing my own pain because I stayed for one reason or another. I had forgiven those who wronged me but still wasn’t truly happy, the weight was still there, I was actually quite miserable. One day, I looked in the mirror and, before I could even get out “I forgive…”, tears were streaming down my face, I had to brace myself with my hands on the counter because my knees had buckled from the release of the pain. I stood in the mirror and looked myself in the eye and apologized to myself for putting up with different situations and causing so much pain, I had to acknowledge and begin to heal before I could forgive myself.  This was not an instantaneous process, it took time to fully forgive myself for the deepest wounds.

Self-forgiveness is the hardest to give because you have to dig deep and relive some of the worst pains and heartaches you’ve ever endured but it’s the most necessary one to give. If you can’t forgive yourself for lying or cheating, how can you offer that forgiveness to someone else who does it to you? What makes you less worthy of forgiveness for your broken heart? If you don’t practice self-forgiveness, you’ll continue to settle for less than you truly deserve because you won’t feel worthy of anything more. No one walking this earth is perfect, no matter how we may try to portray ourselves, we’re all flawed and it’s okay to screw up every now and then, just don’t live in that place, never let a mistake define you.

Since I’ve learned the importance and necessity of forgiveness, I’m more easily able to forgive, mean it and move on with my life. I’ve had people confused as to why I’m not irate or seeking revenge when someone has done me wrong and no amount of explaining will help them understand how at peace I am once I’ve taken the time to evaluate the situation, forgive and move on. When someone does me wrong, it’s no longer in my character to be bitter and hate them, it takes too much energy and carrying that negativity around with me is more than I care to bear at this point in my life. If I have wronged someone, I will speak to them but have also learned you can’t have a conversation with everyone because everyone is not ready to have those discussions and that’s fine, I’ve said my peace and am able to sleep well.

Take a moment to look in the mirror and have a conversation with yourself, apologize for the times you stayed with someone who wasn’t worthy of you but never apologize for loving them. Remember, it’s okay to remember how someone hurt you but don’t live in that pain, use it to grow and be a better version of yourself. It’s okay to shed tears as you look yourself in the eye, you are feeling and seeing everything you’ve been thru and have been carrying around for way too long. Once you learn how to forgive yourself, it’ll be easier to understand and forgive those who have wronged you in one way or another.  Don’t hold on to the pain because someone didn’t say they were sorry, let it go because you’re worth more than a petty grudge and this isn’t your cross to bear, it’s theirs. “I forgive you” are nothing but words until you put the action behind them to make them work. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself, you’ll feel and live better.

Over the last few days, I’ve celebrated a couple of events in my life: I graduated from a class I’d been taking and my baby officially became a teenager! YAY!! So many exciting changes are taking place in my life as I’m sure they are in yours as well. Having completed the class and obtaining my certificate got me thinking about how I truly committed myself to this course and saw it thru to fruition, never missing a class no matter how tired, feeling blah, or hungover (yes, I went to class hungover once BUT I went, gotta give me credit for that! LOL) I was. I also looked at my daughter and realized how committed I am to being a true parent to her to ensure she is the best possible person she can be. It got me to thinking about commitment in other facets of my life and what it truly means to be committed.

I believe the level of commitment you devote to something is a choice, you tend to be more committed to that which brings you joy and is easier to deal with than a task at hand which is difficult or challenging. At the point it may become challenging, boring or unfulfilling, we sometimes slack off on the degree to which we are willing to commit ourselves to it. Starting something new is always exciting in the beginning but what happens when the novelty of newness wears off? Do you have as much drive and dedication to continue thru with the task at hand or do you commit less and less until you’re no longer doing it? This could range from a diet to a project at work to being a parent to even something as simple as painting a room in your home, none of these are always easy from beginning to end.

We all believe we are committed when we agree to move forward with something at some point in our lives but what does commitment truly mean to you? You may commit to a healthier lifestyle for various reasons, maybe your clothes are a bit more snug than you prefer or your doctor ordered it or you could have lost someone who didn’t take care of themselves.  This commitment may seem like the ideal choice for you in the beginning but what happens when you tire of having smoothies for breakfast and lunch, nothing but kale salads with 1 tbs of dressing dinner, and getting up an hour earlier to work out? Do you stay committed to that healthier lifestyle or do you slowly go back to eating fried foods and desserts? When you opt to begin a project, you agree to commit and see it thru to fruition, if you don’t see it thru to the end, why agree to commit from the start?

Commitment, to me, is more about action than words because you can speak all day/every day about how committed you are to something but if there is no action, you’ve wasted breath and time. What is the point in claiming you’re committed to something if you’re miserable and taking every opportunity to hold hostage the ears of anyone who is willing to listen while you moan, groan and complain about how horrible the situation? That’s more along the lines of insanity: repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

That gloriously exciting, life changing moment when you saw those two pink lines on that pregnancy test and opted to see your pregnancy thru to the day you welcomed that beautiful angel into this world is the day you chose to commit your life to them. Being a parent and raising your child is a commitment you must see thru to the day you die, not when they turn 18 and go to college or the military, move out or even when they become parents themselves. Your child needs you in every stage of their life not just when they can’t do for themselves as babies or toddlers but also when they are struggling with the trials and tribulations of growing up and dealing with what life throws at them. Being committed to your children means being there for them without enabling them to be dependent on you, molding them in to responsible adults, wiping their tears when life gets too hard, and giving them advice on how to handle situations when they come to you.  Committing to your child is not about getting lazy and shucking off your parental responsibilities so you can go out drinking often or taking medication which makes you sleep all day instead of spending quality time with them. This is a lifelong commitment, not just when it’s convenient for you, you’ve had enough sleep or only on your good days, being a committed parent is realizing it’s not about you or what you are going thru.

Sometimes we are so committed to living life only in the way we believe it should be, we never take time to see how flawed it truly is or the wonderful things we are missing out on because we are so focused on seeing only what and how we want it to be. This is not a healthy way to commit because you are actually missing out on what’s truly meant for you. Here’s an example: you want your life to be absolutely perfect, I mean, seriously, who doesn’t, right? You want the perfect house, the perfect yard, perfect children, perfect mate, even perfect pet, and perfect job and that’s all you focus on and commit to.  This isn’t commitment to anything because you never take the time to be involved in anything, you’re spread way too thin and end up miserable and missing out on what could have been a great life. While you’re focusing on maintaining this façade for everyone to envy, you’re not involved in your children’s lives who are failing in school or you’ve chosen a mate who doesn’t make your heart smile but is safe because you don’t have to worry about the possibility of being hurt or loving them more than they love you or you have a job that’s unfulfilling instead of following your true passion and what makes you happy. Basically, you have committed yourself to living a life of mediocrity and never experience true, genuine joy because your commitment is to obtain your idea of absolute perfection and have said the hell with happiness.

There are times in life when we over commit to one thing to avoid dealing with real issues in other areas of our lives.  Sometimes we commit to being that dedicated employee, working ridiculous hours outside of the home and away from our family to avoid dealing with real issues within the home or are a dedicated parent, devoid of a personal life to avoid dealing with romantic relationships out of the fear of possible heart break. This type of commitment isn’t healthy for anyone involved and all areas of your life will suffer because you opt not to deal with any real issues at hand, all while blaming it on your job or children. You can actually over commit yourself to your job and miss out on the special moments of your children, like their first day of school (regardless of the year, it’s still special), their first recital/basketball game/track meet/whatever, their first school dance, or even just a moment when they need you to be there for them because they are struggling with all life is throwing at them. What baffles me is the number of companies which promote a work/life balance and there are even fewer parents in the home.

Being committed to something means showing up and being present and the best you possible even when you’re tired or having a less than perfect day. Just because you go to work every day doesn’t mean you are committed to that job, it means you are committed to having a roof over your head, food on the table and providing for your family. Being committed means being willing to make self-sacrifices for what means most to us, if it means nothing to us, we tend show no true commitment by not sticking it out or giving it our best.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s all about choices, everything in your life, every circumstance and relationship is based on a choice you’ve made, no one else. I don’t know about you but I’ve chosen to commit to being happy in all areas of my life and understand that although there will be tough and sad times, there will also be many happy times filled with joy and love, I’m not willing to sacrifice any of these moments and experiences because they make me who and how I am.

 

I was recently asked what I was looking for in a partner and it actually took me a minute to get my ‘list’ together. When I was growing up, I had a mental list of my ideal man, this list included everything from his appearance, height, mannerisms, potential, even his teeth (I’m a stickler for a nice mouth/teeth), trustworthiness, and general overall characteristics. Having matured, I have become a little more lenient with my list because it’s not always reality and doesn’t fully serve who I am at this stage in my life. We have this image of our perfect mate who may not even exist in our lifetime. There are a couple of traits I will not relax on, however, and the main one is height. I have been labeled a height snob because I won’t give anyone under a certain height the time of day.  Yes, I have written about being closed minded and will own I’m closed minded on the height issue in my life, there is no wiggle room. And, yes, I know I could be missing out on the perfect person because of it but it’s a chance I am willing to take.

Thru maturing and getting to know various people, I’ve come to learn a lot about my list versus a true connection with another person.  Someone could meet every item on the list but if there’s no connection between us, it doesn’t matter.  A connection, to me, is being able to sit and have a conversation about any and everything, knowing you’re not always going to agree with each other but being open to seeing things from their perspective and being willing to learn from them. It’s also about being able to just sit with them and do absolutely nothing but you’re not bored, you’re content and enjoying yourself. When you have a connection with someone, you feel comfortable being yourself and confiding in them because they make you feel safe and accepted.

Life experiences will affect your list as well. When you started the list, you may have been single and child free and the things that matter to you now as a mother should differ from what mattered to that 20 something year old club hopper.  At this stage in life, you are looking for a partner who is capable of being a positive male role model in your child’s life. Someone who lies or you feel you can’t trust should never make the cut because, truth be told, if you can’t trust someone, you have no connection or relationship anyway, plain and simple. And for the guys? A fat ass being shown off in minimal clothing may have been cool back in the day but now, as you’ve matured, you need a woman who will take care of, cook and clean for you, someone you can take home and know she won’t twerk on your cousins and uncles at family cookouts. There comes a point in our lives when we realize we need a partner, someone we can trust to be there for us and have our back when we don’t even have our own.

You could meet someone today and feel like you’ve known them for an eternity, you just click, but on the flip side, you could know someone for decades and still not feel comfortable enough to share your innermost feelings and desires.  I am the type of person who works off of energy, if your energy is good, we’re good and the same goes for if it’s not so good.  I have been blessed with the good fortunate of being raised by my daddy, around male cousins who were quite the ladies men as well as having guys as my best friends, I feel I have a pretty good idea of a guy’s intentions when he approaches me. Now, I’m sure we’ve all heard our share of the worst pick up lines when a guy approaches us and know from that point they aren’t “Prince Charming” and have a better chance of getting cussed out than our number. I actually had a guy, confidently look me in my face and say “F*ck yo name is”? I took a moment to look behind me because I KNEW he wasn’t talking to me, he just couldn’t be! But, unfortunately, he was and I had to proceed to tell him “I know you’re not serious and if you are? My name is something you will never, in this lifetime, learn. Step aside” and went about my business.

Confidence is very sexy to me whereas arrogance is an aggravating turn off, and yes, there is a difference.  Confidence is when a man approaches me with respect and walks over with a confidence in himself never speaking of his accomplishments, money or cars. Arrogance is the type of guy who is flashy and has the mentality I should be grateful he took 2 minutes of his time to walk over and speak to me. I don’t believe you should have to speak on your accomplishments or what you have to impress anyone, having your shit together speaks for itself, confidence is silent but speaks volumes.

There have been times when I have been swept off my feet by someone who wasn’t my typical type but the connection was there, his personality and character were so on point it didn’t matter that he wasn’t physically what I thought was my type. I married someone who wasn’t my ‘type’ but he possessed characteristics that connected with me, he could make me laugh, was charming, a gentleman and I felt protected when we were together.

Now, over the years, I have added things to my list which are not acceptable to me as well. For instance, having an obsession with video games as a grown man? Yeah, that’s a no go for me. Now, there are women out there who will game right alongside with their man, I’m just not one of them. While a driven, successful man is attractive to me, a man who never has time for me because he’s always working or brags about how much money he has is not for me. A man who doesn’t really take time in his appearance isn’t my cup of tea.  I love a good smelling, clean cut man, just who and how I am. Thugs and bad boys are not for me, and I especially have no time for a dude whose pants are tighter than mine or hanging off his ass.  I was raised by a classy, charming gentleman and that’s what I seek when looking for a mate.

Everyone’s list is different but the point of all of this is, although some will deny ever having a list, we all have certain criteria when it comes to having an attraction to someone. If it’s someone who makes you happy and you feel safe and connected to them, forego your list and be happy, that’s what it’s all about right? Being happy? Exactly.  Don’t be so set in your ways, seeking that absolute perfection, you stick to a list that isn’t truly relevant for you at this stage in life because your wants, needs, desires and what matters have changed from when you were younger and will continue to change as you continue to mature and grow. Now, please don’t get it twisted, never relax your morals and standards just to say you have someone, never ever settle for less than you are worth and deserve because you will never truly be happy with yourself in that relationship. Pick your mate on the way he makes you feel internally, does he make you laugh? Does he show he cares for you with simple gestures such as Good Morning/Good Night texts? Does he take care of your car by washing it or filling the tank? Do you feel safe being yourself and not someone he thinks you should be? Is there trust and respect shared between the 2 of you? Then he’s a keeper, take a chance on happiness, you deserve it just as he deserves you.