I will be the first to own and admit I used to be the QUEEN of grudges, I’ve held grudges so long I forgot what I was mad at the person for in the first place. Yes, looking back, I realize I was petty and immature but am so glad to be blessed enough to see how foolish my actions were because I am not that person anymore, haven’t been her in quite some time but, unfortunately, I know some biologically grown people who are still in that mind set. I felt that if I wasn’t constantly angry with them they would think it was okay to do what they did or, ignorantly enough, they won and I refused to let anybody beat me. The reality is? They still won because I was so wrapped up in trying to make them feel bad by not speaking to them, stank eyeing them, having an attitude whenever they were around or throwing shade,
I didn’t see they were moving on with their lives and accomplishing their goals. Here I was sitting here drinking poison waiting for them to die. Thank goodness for growth and maturity, huh?
The truth of the matter is, people are going to hurt you, it happens to the best of us at some point in our lives, it can’t be avoided because that pain is needed for growth. I held the grudges because I didn’t know how to forgive, I believed if I forgave someone who had mistreated me then I was condoning what they had done and they’d treat someone else in the same manner, I didn’t understand the forgiveness was for me and my well-being. I carried a lot of resentment, hostility, hurt and anger for years and was miserable because I didn’t realize it was my own doing, really had nothing to do with the other person. Once I learned about the importance of forgiveness and how to actually forgive, I sat down and wrote a list of all the people who I felt had done me wrong and what they’d done and I forgave them thru prayer, I didn’t verbalize it with the other person because it wasn’t about them at that time.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did but at the same time, you can’t hold what they did over their head for eternity, this only means you haven’t truly forgiven them. If you can genuinely forgive someone for doing you wrong, the memories of how they mistreated you will become stepping stones in your growth not blocks in future relationships and situations. Telling someone you forgive them but always using their past against them when you see them doing well isn’t truly forgiving them, those words were said merely to appease them not because you meant it. It’s going to hurt, you were betrayed and felt disrespected by someone you loved and trusted and that pain doesn’t go away with “I forgive you” because words cannot erase the pain. It’s up to you how you use the pain, do you carry it around like a 2 ton weight, never enjoying life as it was meant to be or do you take the time to heal from the pain and move forward with a smile on your face and in your heart? 
The way we handle the hurt inflicted on us by others is what determines who we will be and how we handle every single relationship moving forward in our lives. Forgiveness doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships because betrayal can come from a friend, sibling, cousin, or even a parent. The inability or lack of desire to forgive can turn you bitter and hinder you from being in a successful relationship with another person because you’re harboring hurt or resentment towards the person who is no longer a factor in your life, it prevents you from letting someone else in. As I’ve grown and matured, I’ve come to realize just how vital communication is between people when there is conflict. When we’ve done someone wrong, we expect to be forgiven because we said “I’m sorry”, why aren’t others as worthy?
While it may seem as though forgiving someone is hard enough, it’s even harder to do without an apology because in this instance, we feel that if they aren’t sorry, they don’t care, therefore, they’re not worthy of our forgiveness. The amount of strength it takes for someone to apologize is more than some are willing to bear because they’re not ready to admit they’ve done something wrong and all you can do is forgive them and pray they will find the strength to heal from whatever is hurting them and move on with your life.
The most crucial and meaningful relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself, that’s the one which needs the most nurturing and care and the one which receives the least amount of forgiveness. I learned about self-forgiveness a few years after I learned how to forgive others and I will tell you, for me? This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because, for so long, I blamed others for my pain never realizing the times I had been hurt by others, I was actually breaking my own heart, causing my own pain because I stayed for one reason or another. I had forgiven those who wronged me but still wasn’t truly happy, the weight was still there, I was actually quite miserable. One day, I looked in the mirror and, before I could even get out “I forgive…”, 
tears were streaming down my face, I had to brace myself with my hands on the counter because my knees had buckled from the release of the pain. I stood in the mirror and looked myself in the eye and apologized to myself for putting up with different situations and causing so much pain, I had to acknowledge and begin to heal before I could forgive myself. This was not an instantaneous process, it took time to fully forgive myself for the deepest wounds.
Self-forgiveness is the hardest to give because you have to dig deep and relive some of the worst pains and heartaches you’ve ever endured but it’s the most necessary one to give. If you can’t forgive yourself for lying or cheating, how can you offer that forgiveness to someone else who does it to you? What makes you less worthy of forgiveness for your broken heart? If you don’t practice self-forgiveness, you’ll continue to settle for less than you truly deserve because you won’t feel worthy of anything more. No one walking this earth is perfect, no matter how we may try to portray ourselves, we’re all flawed and it’s okay to screw up every now and then, just don’t live in that place, never let a mistake define you.
Since I’ve learned the importance and necessity of forgiveness, I’m more easily able to forgive, mean it and move on with my life. I’ve had people confused as to why I’m not irate or seeking revenge when someone has done me wrong and no amount of explaining will help them understand how at peace I am once I’ve taken the time to evaluate the situation, forgive and move on. When someone does me wrong, it’s no longer in my character to be bitter and hate them, it takes too much energy and carrying that negativity around with me is more than I care to bear at this point in my life. If I have wronged someone, I will speak to them but have also learned you can’t have a conversation with everyone because everyone is not ready to have those discussions and that’s fine, I’ve said my peace and am able to sleep well.
Take a moment to look in the mirror and have a conversation with yourself, apologize for the times you stayed with someone who wasn’t worthy of you but never apologize for loving them. Remember, it’s okay to remember how someone hurt you but don’t live in that pain, use it to grow and be a better version of yourself. It’s okay to shed tears as you look yourself in the eye, you are feeling and seeing everything you’ve been thru and have been carrying around for way too long. Once you learn how to forgive yourself, it’ll be easier to understand and forgive those who have wronged you in one way or another. Don’t hold on to the pain because someone didn’t say they were sorry, let it go because you’re worth more than a petty grudge and this isn’t your cross to bear, it’s theirs. “I forgive you” are nothing but words until you put the action behind them to make them work. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself, you’ll feel and live better.