Month: September 2017

LOVE. What is love? Well, it’s the strongest emotion we experience and the one we have absolutely no control over. Our other emotions may seem stronger but they aren’t and are, to a degree, controllable. Take fear for example, if you face your fears, they have no control over you at all. If you’re afraid of spiders, don’t run the next time you see one, you far outweigh a spider and can crush them into dust with a simple stomp of your foot. Anger is another emotion we can control if we choose to, yes, it is a choice whether you get angry or not. There will be situations where you have the option to either fly off the handle and kirk all the way out, yelling, cursing and screaming at the top of your lungs or keep a level head and remain calm. Never give another the satisfaction of stooping to their level and hoot and holler over something they said which you didn’t agree with, it’s not worth your energy or sanity. Love isn’t that easy to control and that’s why it scares so many of us, we’re used to being in control and love doesn’t abide by that. Love is a little reckless because it knows what you need even when you don’t.

One of the simplest ways I can describe the feeling of love is to remember when I gave birth to my daughters. The emotion I felt at that moment was deeper than anything I had ever experienced in my life and all I could do was cry. I knew at that moment there would be nothing I wouldn’t do for those precious beings. I have been blessed, some will say cursed, to feel that deeply for another outside of my children. To me, it’s a blessing to love another so deeply, not because they asked me to but because I wanted to. Love is not something you ask someone to do for you, it’s a choice they make within themselves to do for and share with you. Love is gentle, love is kind, love is patient and love is unconditional when given in its purest form. Loving without condition is the only way I know how, some will consider this to be a major flaw but I embrace it for the blessing it truly is. Love is my disease.

When describing a situation I was in some time ago, I was told “Your mind is playing tricks on you” and was quite confused as to what they meant. They went on to explain that your mind has no place in matters of the heart because love is not logical and you can’t surpass feelings of love by using logic. People will use logic to say why they should or shouldn’t be with this person or that person, trying to ignore their hearts at the same time. Let me ‘splain something to you, what your heart feels will never be ignored, no matter how much you smoke, party, drink or sleep around with other people. When your heart belongs to someone else, until that is acknowledged and dealt with, you’ll settle for subpar, mediocre relationships with others because your heart is not whole nor is it connecting on that deep level. No one, no matter how much they care for you, can tell you what to do with your heart, the love you share with and feel for another is between you and that other person, no one else. There will be times those around you may question why you love who you do and suggest you give up and find someone they believe will be more suitable for you. That’s hilarious because no one outside of GOD knows you, your heart and who is meant for you.

Unfortunately, there are so many who’ve never experienced unconditional love shared with them by another, therefore, they don’t really understand or appreciate it for the gift is actually is. You know the type of person I’m referring to, the one who’s had multiple relationships but never had a true connection with someone. This person is always doing for their Boo and receiving nothing in return except an extended hand expecting more and more be done for them. Then, you come into their lives and just want to love and be there for them without expectation of what they can do for you, they get scared and make up irrelevant excuses as to why the 2 of you can’t be together. They will never admit they are scared of this unfamiliar feeling, they’ll do whatever they can to justify their actions, hurting you in the process because all you wanted to do was to show them what unconditional love felt like. This same person will continue to get involved with other people who they know have no chance of actually reaching and holding a significant place in their heart, they opt for what feels ‘safe’. When they choose for safety, they aren’t loving, they are merely existing and feel they’re doing the right thing because, in their mind, they are in a relationship. All they are really doing is wasting the time of both parties involved because neither has the option or chance to move on to find the one who will protect, nurture and treasure their love and heart with kindness, patience, and care.

Thru the trials and tribulations of a relationship, we start to feel stupid for loving someone we feel may not love us as deeply. You can’t compare or critique how someone else loves you, we all show our love differently. Here’s an example: the way I show love is to do for others, be their shoulder to cry on, there for them in every capacity, doing whatever I can to make their life easier and more stress free, this is me. Now, the person I’m involved with could show their love by making sure I worry about nothing materialistically or financially, they will work themselves like a slave without papers just to make sure I don’t want for anything. The disconnect comes into play if neither of us recognize the other’s actions. I could get in my feelings and say he doesn’t love me as deeply because he’d rather work than spend time with me and he could get in his feelings because he believes his efforts are going unappreciated and taken for granted. If there is no communication and understanding, both hearts will get broken and possible resentment will grow. With communication, a happy medium will always prevail and your hearts will continue to flourish with love for one another.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it: Never feel stupid for loving someone, it is a gift denied many. The saddest thing I have ever witnessed and experienced is being in love with someone and not being able to, for whatever reason, be with them. Yes, life would be so much easier if we were able to pick and choose who we love and have our love mirrored in our partner but it’s not that simple. If people were truthful with themselves, there’d be much less heartache, heartbreak, pain, bitterness, and misery in the world. But, alas, love scares too many for this to be a reality. Sometimes we have to go thru the pain of love and loss to grow and be prepared for the one truly meant for us. If you hadn’t gone thru so much shit with the last one, you wouldn’t be able to appreciate the goodness of the next one.

You owe it to yourself and those who come into your life to understand what a priceless gift love is. Never take for granted the love another shares with you because you have no idea how much it took for them to open up enough to let you in. When you accept the love another gives you without reciprocity, you are now abusing their love and that’s cruel beyond measure. Take the time to nurture your own love before sharing with another so they’re able to receive it in its most pure and genuine format. It’s time we all take a chance and let love be our disease.

I love being a woman, I love every single aspect of it, and would never, ever want to be a man. To those who know me, this statement comes as no surprise, I am the girliest girlie girl one may know who is often called prissy and embrace the term and my femininity fully. I love feeling pretty in my dresses with pockets as I strut in my cute stilettos with my hair and nails done while wearing the perfect shade of lipstick. It’s what I do and love! Do we go thru a lot of shit being women? Hell yeah! Cramps are no day at the park, we stay faithful using products to keep our skin silky smooth, go thru the pain of removing hair in certain places, battle those last 5 lbs. which seem to be mocking us, and deal with heartbreak or loss with a smile while taking care of business thru it all. BUT we also create, grow and bring life forth into this world, sit with our babies all hours of the day and night to make sure they feel safe and loved, and putting others needs before our own just to see them smile. We are also allowed and almost expected to show emotions. That last part is what is so crucial and something I’m truly grateful for. I would have probably imploded decades ago if I was chastised and told to toughen up each time I cried from sadness, joy or pain. Believe me, I was such a crybaby and it got on my mother’s nerves to the highest level of pisstivity. She did everything she could to condition me to hide my tears and emotions and, for the most part, it worked. My payback for being so sensitive and crying over what seemed like nothing to another? A clone who acts just like me.

Let me ‘splain something though, I have grown and learned thru experiences and a bit of therapy that my sensitivity is part of my genetic make-up, it’s not something which was ever meant to be stifled.

I embrace my emotional heart and nature because it enables me to be there for others in an empathetic manner. It took me some time and, yes, more therapy to understand it’s okay to cry in front of others when I am affected by my circumstance and situation.

Once I got a handle on my emotions, I was able to help my daughter understand and deal with hers. For so long, I didn’t cry in front of my children because that is what I grew up with, a mother who the only showed the emotions of anger or happiness, never sadness or pain. While I admire my mother for her strength, my heart hurts for her knowing she bottled so much up and suffered in her pain alone. I never want my children to feel that for me or themselves.

Thru my growth and understanding, my heart began to ache and feel for males because this is how they’ve been conditioned from a very young age. Growing up, I would see a little boy fall, scrape his knee and want so badly to cry but before a tear could drop, you’d hear, “Don’t you dare cry! Man up, boy”! This little boy would take a deep breath, suck his tears back, get up, and limp away with a bloody knee which we all know was causing him pain. The nurturer in me would instinctively rush to his aid to make him feel better and I, too, would be chastised. This lesson was also instilled in boys when someone hurt their feelings with their words and those same words were spoken with sternness “Man up, boy!! Don’t you dare cry”! Many times I’ve been told not to feel or empathize for them because men aren’t supposed to cry and I’ve often wondered, “Says who”? Are they not emotional creatures just as women?

Bottling up emotions and never dealing with the pain they carry is what causes us the most damage to human beings. We were created with a plethora of emotions and feelings, we’re supposed to feel the joy, pain, happiness, anger, sadness and love, not ignore it. Ignoring our feelings and pains is what causes us to unintentionally inflict pain on those who care most about and for us. When you’re taught and told not to show emotion, someone like myself might cause utter confusion and conflict in your mind and life because you’d be taken aback by my openness to display how I’m feeling. I’ve come to learn my sensitive nature scares some people because they don’t know how to handle me and are afraid to hurt me so, they just don’t deal with me. Yeah, that seems fair……

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to just burst out in tears like it’s the end of the world because you told me I could only have 3 pieces of bacon when I wanted 4, I’m not that bad. But that is what happens when you aren’t free to express yourself emotionally, you overreact about the simplest things which really don’t warrant all the hoot and hollering you are doing. That is what bottling up emotions will do to a person. I know someone who doesn’t deal with their emotions because they are, essentially, a control freak and love, sadness and pain aren’t anything you can control. When he is sad, he’s irritable and snapping at everyone over the smallest of things like a piece of lint on the carpet. Not dealing with emotions is why people punch walls or yell and scream some of the most vile and hurtful words imaginable at the one who loves them or simply become a recluse and shut everyone out. When a relationship ended, they didn’t deal with their feelings about it, they simply just said, “It’s over” and tried to move on with their lives as though their heart had never been touched. That is the beginning of the breaking of the next person to come into their lives because that neglected pain will only turn to anger, insecurity, hostility and bitterness. The scary part is all of those emotions will come out when least expected and damage the one who loves you the most.

My daddy was one of the strongest men I have ever known in my entire life and have been blessed to see such strength in and was the one who nurtured my sensitive side. Even as strong as my father was, there were times when the pain of losing his mother, nephew and best friend were too much and he shed tears. Being the empath I am, when I saw my daddy cry, I broke down even harder because I know how much strength it took to go against all of his conditioning and let the tears flow. To me, strength is not just remaining stoic and appearing emotionless during a time of trial, tribulation, loss or pain. Strength is what you get when you endure any of those situations and allow yourself to show and feel emotions in order to heal. The sad reality is that men have been conditioned from a very young age that if they cry due to physical or emotional pain, it means they are weak. They can’t show that weakness due to the belief that no woman would want to be with them because they think they’re a punk. I will say no woman wants a man who cries more than she does, that’s just another reality. But, if you’re sad because you lost your mother/father/sister/brother/loved one? Cry, let it out, feel that emotion, let us know you are hurting so we can do what we do as women and nurture your pain.

We always speak of loving ourselves and how crucial it truly is. When you don’t allow yourself to feel, you’re denying yourself such a precious gift. No one is saying to break down in tears at the drop of a hat because your tears will soon be seen more of an aggravation and you’ll hear muffles of “Oh GAWD, here they go again with the water works. What’s wrong now, is the sky the wrong shade of blue or did their cat lose a whisker? Ugh, I need another drink” and no one will take them seriously. All I’m saying to do is allow yourself to miss the person you thought was your best friend who no longer speaks to you or mourn the loss of a loved one or be sad that you lost that job opportunity. It’s okay, I promise, you won’t break, you’ll actually feel yourself coming together as a whole human being. You can do this in the privacy of your own home, no one has to know but they will be able to see the difference in you and your compassion in their time of need.So, grab some wine or spirited beverage of your choice, a box of tissues and heal, Dear Heart, your heart, soul, spirit and mind deserve it.