Month: November 2022

Hey my Lovelies! How have y’all been? Did you have a good holiday with family, friends, and delicious food? Me too as I was blessed to have my baby come spend time with me and then we spent time with my family, the reassurance I needed to remind me how truly blessed I am. I have missed my family but the reason I’d not spent Thanksgiving with them is because they are the full embodiment of my Daddy and it was too hard for me to be around them for a while. Yes, I know it was selfish and am grateful for this healing journey as that sadness was replaced with joy and love of my family.

While my healing journey has helped me move past the grief of losing my Daddy and been able to appreciate who and where I am in life, it’s also taped my eyelids open so I’ve no choice but to see the unhealed parts of those I hold closest and dearest to my heart. Even though I didn’t fully know what to expect when I committed to this journey, I’m taken aback by seeing how toxic those closest to me truly are and my heart breaks because I have to choose myself over their disrespect of my pain, belittling of my traumas, and utter lack of shits to give about my feelings. Now, had this been about 10 years ago, I’d have eagerly joined right into the fire of an argument and spewed every gut-punching statement I could to get them off of me but, healed me ain’t here for the shits anymore and she stays calm regardless of what is being said because, really, what’s the point?

An area my eyes are opened is seeing that someone who didn’t walk 2” in my shoes feels they have license to tell me how to feel about my trauma and when to get over soul shattering pain. Let me explain something to those of you who may be unaware, if you’ve not lived in the house, you’ve no right to speak on what took place in it as though you did. While it’s true someone shared what happened in the house, you didn’t experience any of it and have no license to speak on it at any point in your life. You have even less right to only bring it up to intentionally try to open a wound it’s taken the other person a lot of therapy, self-reflection, and tears to move beyond.  You know what I find funny? The same person who will tell you to get over your trauma is the same person who will bring up and remind you of who you were at your lowest and most broken as a means to seem better than you.

Baybee! Don’t be fooled by these miserable ass souls because all they’re doing is proving how much better you truly are because you no longer live at the place of the porch they’re standing on wondering why their knocks are going unanswered.

I have also learned that when you begin to heal, you don’t get sympathy for being attacked by the unhealed because they always have an enabler coddling and gassing them up as though they’re right. No ma’am/sir, it’s 2022, we are no longer tolerating that level of bullshit because the enabler will be cut off quicker than Toxic Tonya/Tony for being weak, we’ve no space in our peace for nonsense.

The scary part is, you don’t always recognize TT because they appear to be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, boosting you up when you’re down but, pay attention and see if they have that same energy when you’re up. As long as you’re doing less than or on their same level, they’re always there for you with words of encouragement but the moment you solidly stand on your own two feet, spread your wings, and learn to fly, here come the negative comments and unsolicited advice on how you should handle your life as though you’re not supposed to be living your best life because they didn’t take the time to grow with you.

I own that I’ve been down, like, way down to the point I wasn’t able to support myself and children but I was blessed to have people in my life who stepped in and filled the spaces I couldn’t. Yes, I am very grateful to these women because they kept food in our stomachs, lights on, and made sure we had everything we needed. When I tell you that was a humbling experience, you’ve no idea which is why I am so appreciative of where I am now in life. Thru that struggle, I came to learn there are 2 types of helpers in your life: those who help you out of the kindness of their hearts and refuse to accept a Thank You because that’s not why the did it and then you have those who do it to be able hold it over your head in order to attempt to knock you down a peg at their whim. We all have some form of social media and see the videos of people purposely recording them helping a homeless person or a mother who can’t afford diapers for their baby and rush to put that person’s lowest moment on social media to get kudos for being a good person. How good are you that you couldn’t just do the deed and go home with a full heart for being in a position to help someone less fortunate? No, my person didn’t record anything and brag about it but it’s been repeatedly thrown in my face and no longer being tolerated – line drawn and boundary created.

If you are someone who seeks out an argument by being antagonizing towards another person and just keep taking low blows until they respond with the same energy, we are not the same. I do my best not to argue because it’s a waste of time and energy but was told by my therapist that what I do is worse which is methodically speaking in a calm, collected tone revealing their deepest, darkest secret. Do I feel it’s worse than arguing? Nope because my main goal is to get someone up off of me and shut them up so, I speak to the one truth I know will cut to the depths of their core. Wait, I used to do that, I’ve gotten better because doing so makes me no better than them screaming at me at the top of their lungs as our main goal is to see who can cause the most emotional damage. I am still a smart ass, that shit is never going away but I’ve learned not to be so hurtful towards people I care about regardless if they feel or view the situation the same, not my circus, untrained monkeys, or cross to bear.

While I was hesitant to step on the path of this journey, I’m grateful I did but also understand it wouldn’t have been accomplished at any other time in my life. There were many times I swore up and down I wanted to heal, grow, and be a better woman, mother, and human being but I truly wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t have been able to handle this process well enough to reap all the benefits I’m experiencing. Is it hard? Hell yeah! Is it always sunshine and rainbows? Hell no! Even in all of its beautiful ugliness, I would love to encourage everyone to begin their journey but I am also aware there are many who don’t see any wrong within themselves or their actions, therefore, they’ll probably never change. Knowing that some closest to me will continue to live in misery and be fueled by the pain which now presents itself as anger absolutely breaks my heart but I have to be okay with knowing I can’t save everyone, that’s not my or anyone else’s purpose here. We help and save those who are willing to grab a hold of our hand while hanging off that cliff and cry for those whose pride won’t let them see the flames of hell burning beneath them.

Take a moment to examine your relationships and see who your true cheerleaders and helpers are but you’re going to have to be okay with the realization of who you thought was in your corner was actually your biggest hater. Yes, hater is a strong word but what else would you call someone who’s only happy with you when you’re down and resentful when you’re soaring? When you see people for who they are, it’s going to hurt, you may even cry because you’d never imagine your ride or die secretly wishes you bad because they feel you’ve outgrown them and try to bring you back down to their level. Once you begin to grow in the healthiest way possible, you’ll understand how impossible it is to shrink and regress to the former self you took the time to heal what once fueled that darkness and it becomes unfamiliar and unrecognizable, you may even judge yourself for who you used to be. Stay the course of healing, you’ve got but one life to live, do what you can to make it one of peace, love, and joy. Be great, my Loves!

Hey Lovelies! In my last post, I spoke of attending an event where I got to dress up which is something near and dear to my heart as I love to be fancy whenever I can. As I chatted with my Mommie about the event, I went into detail about what I wore, how I did my makeup, reassuring her my nails and toes were done, and everything was in place and on point as I was aware of the fact I was representing her when I was out. Being who and how she is, she adamantly agreed and the conversation grew from there.

From a very early age, it was made crystal clear to me that I represented my parents whenever and wherever I may be, regardless of whether they’re standing nearby or 1,000 miles away, I am always a direct reflection of them and I was never to embarrass them with my appearance or actions. This is something I’ve taken to heart ever since it was instilled in me and take pride in my appearance at all times. Being a 70’s baby, my formative years were during the 80’s and 90’s when fashion, hair, and makeup would be deemed cringe worthy by today’s intricately beat face standards but you couldn’t tell us we weren’t killin’ the game back then.

I actually like the fact you can nail down the era of a high school photo based on the hairstyle whether it be the rock-hard poodle bangs which used a massive amount of hairspray which began the depletion of the ozone layer or the many different angles cut into our hair to make the perfect asymmetrical. I had the asymmetrical where the long part covered my eye completely and my mother silently showed her disdain for it by not paying for any pictures where I didn’t have 2 visible eyes.

Have I made less than stellar choices when it came to hair or makeup back in the day? Since it was my face and hair which I had to deal with, I’d say No but that would not be agreed to by my mother and sister. Yes, there was a point in time where I drew my eyebrows on with what gave the appearance of a black Sharpie® but I believed in my heart of hearts they were on point and brought out my eyes since my natural eyebrows are damn near transparent.

As I look back at pictures from that era of my life, they did appear a little extreme BUT they gave me confidence and the more my family bitched about them, the more I would do them because they complained about every aspect of my appearance anyway so, this was just another gripe. It wasn’t until I met someone who’s opinion meant the world to me did I finally give them up, I don’t even own that eyebrow pencil I could have bought stock in anymore. Do I still do my eyebrows? Yes, as my genetic pool still hasn’t blessed me with thick, luscious eyebrows but my wallet has afforded me better products which actually compliment my face and I no longer look permanently surprised.

I will be the first to admit it appears I went thru a hoochie mama faze as I had the big, stiff hair, huge bamboo earrings, ridiculously long and extravagantly decorated fingernails, and an unending wardrobe of spandex. Again, back then, you couldn’t tell me I was not the shit! Back then, I was very thin and tall, I didn’t have a fupa, hell, I barely had a booty so, I thought spandex was the best way to dress when I went out.

I must point out that I only dressed like that when I was out in the clubs as I knew my mother would come to my job and beat my ass in front of coworkers if I even thought about wearing club clothes to my good gubment job. When I went to work, you’d never know I partied as hard as I did because all my dresses/skirts were at least knee length and I never wore open toe shoes. It wasn’t until I was looking thru pictures of my cousin’s wedding and laughed as I asked, “Who’s that hoochie mama?” and my laughter was silenced when I was told it was me and I realized I wasn’t representing my family well and decided to do better.  

As I mentioned, I partied hard from the ages of 18 – 24 and never missed a day of work due to being hungover as my mother told me, “If you have to miss work due to partying, you need to cut out the one that’s not paying your bills”. Now, that’s not to say I showed up fully sober to work every day because that would be a whole ass lie BUT I was there every single day as she only said I couldn’t miss work.

Had I missed work every time I had been out, I’d have been seen as unreliable and I couldn’t do that at a job my Daddy had gotten for me as it would have made him look bad. Even in my hay day of partying, I still carried myself with respect and the knowledge my parents knew a lot of people I didn’t and would tell on me if I was seen acting a fool in public.

I have carried this mentality with me throughout every phase of my life. When I was a wife, I made sure I always looked presentable as I was representing my husband, there was never a time I would go to the store in jammie pants, a tattered t-shirt, no bra, and a hat to cover the bird’s nest I didn’t take the time to comb thru.

When I became a mother, it was even more important to look and carry myself accordingly as children could be cruel and my daughters would have received the brunt of the comments about my appearance and school is hard enough without someone talking shit about and making fun of your mother who constantly looks like she gave up on life. Here’s the funny part of all of this: my sister is the total opposite of me, she gives zero shits about how she looks when she leaves the house and says, “I’m not trying to impress anyone, c’mon, let’s go”, no ma’am, you will not embarrass me by looking homeless.

Let me state for the record that I do not take pride in my appearance for anyone but myself, I do not color coordinate my clothes and ensure everything I’m wearing is clean and wrinkle-free to gain the attention and approval of strangers on the street. I carry myself as the Queen I am in part out of respect for my parents so others don’t think they raised an untrained circus monkey but I also do it for myself as I’m a lady and carry myself as such. This is one of the things from my upbringing which I have carried forward and instilled in my children who are very mindful of their appearance and behavior when they leave the house because they don’t want the lecture for causing me embarrassment.

As a woman, we have more weight on us than most realize or care to acknowledge because, somehow, we carry the sole responsibility of the appearance of our homes, children, partners, and selves. There are some who don’t take pride in their partner’s or children’s appearance because they feel it’s not their place to put limits on their choices but I just don’t happen to agree with that. I feel if I’ve taken the time to make sure every hair is in place, my clothes are clean, well-fitting, and wrinkle-free, my partner should take the same time and care to do the same for me. The one thing I can say about my ex-husband is that he took pride in his appearance whenever we went out, hell, he primped more than I did at times but, that’s what you do for your partner so they have a sense of pride to have you on their arm. As for my daughters, it would be very selfish of me to be dressed to the nines and have my children looking like ragamuffins with their hair all over their heads.

It doesn’t matter if you’re married, single, a parent, or childless, there is always someone you are representing: your parents. Yes, there are those of us who don’t have one or both parents but that doesn’t mean you don’t still represent them in your actions and appearance. No matter how much of a dumpster fire you life may be, hold your head high and stunt on everyone around you.

Always remember, the most important person you represent at all times is the one looking back at you in the mirror, don’t embarrass them by dancing on table tops at a bar, going to the store after rolling out of bed and looking like it, or carrying yourself as anything less than the King/Queen your parents created and raised. Be great, my Loves!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! I know, it’s been a minute and all I can say to that is life and healing have been consuming me lately. I will admit that I used to be one of those who believed that healing was pleasant and peaceful but that is a whole ass lie as this shit gets quite heavy at times. While it may be heavy and challenging at times, there is no turning back and I am seeing and feeling the benefits. What has been the heaviest for me is being able to see how unhealed those closest to me are which is forcing me to create boundaries and distance myself as to not regress, I’ve worked too hard and been thru too much to give up now.

In the beginning of this journey, my self-care had me in butterfly land sitting by a rainbow petting a unicorn, it felt really good to finally take and make time for myself. Lately, I have been experiencing the parts of myself which were buried deep, coming to the surface to be healed and it’s kinda ugly. I am not feeling myself as of late, I am naturally a very sensitive and sentimental person but right now, I just want to be left alone. Yes, I do struggle with mental health but this is different than the random depression I’ve become accustomed to as I’ve been in a funk for the last couple of weeks and forcing myself to maintain my self-care Sundays. I mean, I can’t go to work looking like who-dun-it, right? No matter the mood, this Queen will always make sure her nails, lashes, and hair are done, it’s just who I am.

One thing I’ve come to learn about healing yourself is that you will encounter tests of all levels and types on this journey and this past weekend was a prime example of such test. I had the honor of attending the celebration of 75 years of life for the matriarch of our family at an elegant event and was, initially, excited about being able to dress up and enjoy family and friends. However, anyone who knows me fully understands how quickly I will find a reason to flake and stay in the house but I knew I couldn’t do that because turning ¾ of a century is a big deal. I decided I would wear a fitted black dress, cream blazer, and red stiletto sandals with my hair in a slicked back ponytail and was feeling myself because, no lie, I look good at 50 and was proud of myself.

As I drove to the event, I was singing and in good spirits even though I was going to be an hour and a half late but I’m never on time and don’t know how to rush. I arrived at the event and my heart swelled as I was greeted with love by family members I don’t see often enough and was even happier when I saw my favorite aunt and how she lit up when she saw me. My joy quickly turned to rage when she let me know my father’s widow was also here.

At that moment, I felt all unhealed parts of me bum rush healed me and the internal battle caused me to shake with rage and the only thing that helped me maintain a semblance of calm was I hadn’t laid eyes on her yet. I returned to my seat and sat there seething at the audacity of the stankin’ ass bitch showing up as though she didn’t do my Daddy, sisters, and me wrong! I decided to call my sister to talk me off the ledge and avoid needing bail money but, wouldn’t you know? She didn’t answer so, I called my mother but she too didn’t answer so, I left the party room to sit in the hall to gather myself and composure as it’s not Queen behavior to choke a bitch.

I returned to my seat, tried to eat some dinner but was no longer hungry as I was too busy scanning the room looking for her and decided this was not how I wanted to spend my evening and prepared to gather my things, say my good-byes, and roll out but before I could, my sister called me back. I went outside to my car so I could talk without eyes or ears on my conversation and to get away from the music. And, this is when it happened, I heard my father’s voice say, “Don’t you ever let someone affect you so much that you leave a space, you are better than that. Don’t you know you are making her more uncomfortable just by being there? This is YOUR family, not hers! Take your few minutes to get yourself together and walk back in there with your head held high and enjoy yourself, don’t sulk in the corner, I raised you better than that”. It was at this point I felt healed me step forward as my posture straightened and I walked as though I had a crown on my head, there was confidence in my stride, and I knew I was better than what I was allowing to happen. I chatted with my sister for a few and headed back in as a totally different person and, although I was no longer angry, I made sure to make eye contact with her every chance I got.

I enjoyed the rest of the evening with my family, got my corner piece of cake, my goodie bag, and said my good-byes.

I am proud of myself because I know that, had this been 18 months ago, they would have had to pry my hands from around her neck in order to get the handcuffs on me. I am learning that healed me isn’t here for the shits because I felt her step forward during the internal chaos and stand strong and unwavering no matter how much I wanted to break down, she wasn’t allowing tears whether they be from sadness or anger, she simply straightened my crown and reminded me who the hell I was.

I don’t share my experiences on this journey to discourage anyone, I share them to encourage you when it gets heavy and you want to stop. I share every part of this journey so you know you’re not alone when it gets difficult and you want to give up, I’m here to let you know there is beauty on the other side. Unfortunately, this path is not filled with sunflowers, a gentle breeze blowing, and birds singing as it’s not a fairytale, it’s real life and you’re not an animated princess/prince. On this path, you will encounter parts of yourself you didn’t know were so damaged that they turned toxic, were rotting you from the inside, and come to the surface with a vengeance but that just shows you’re on the right path.

It’s definitely easier to just be, never taking the time to work thru all the shit we pushed aside to avoid reliving it but, honestly, what good does that do? When you avoid the dark, unhealed parts in yourself, they will forever taint any relationship you have and, unfortunately, come to the surface when you least expect it. Some feel as though they can shop, smoke, drink, or sex away those feelings and thoughts but the reality is, once your cart and bank account are empty, you come down off that high, or your legs stop shaking, the darkness is still there, you can’t escape it.

The beginning of the self-love and healing journey must be taken alone as no one can walk thru your traumas but you because you are the one who lived thru them. The one thing you will have to understand and come to grips with is that this will get lonely as you will begin to see how toxic those closest to you are as they’ve taken the option to not heal and try to drag you back to where they are, don’t go, you deserve healing. You’ve but one life, make the most of it while you’re on this side of the dirt, you are here for a purpose. Be great my lovelies!!