Month: July 2016

 

We all go thru things in life, some bad, some good, some indifferent but it’s how we handle ourselves in and after every situation that makes the difference. Believe it or not, how we handle it is actually something that’s deeply rooted inside of us, not that actual situation, it stems from a ‘seed’ that was planted YEARS ago, some seeds are good but the ones that truly affect your mood, actions and behavior tend to be the not so good ones. I say this to mean, if you were made to feel unworthy in your youth/past, you’ll continue to live thru every situation with that same feeling of unworthiness and find yourself accepting less than you deserve. On the flip side, if you were praised and given kudos growing up, you’ll have a sense of worthiness for the good that happens in your life.

There were things that transpired in my youth that are affecting me in my adult life and, for the longest time, I just thought I was a terrible, unlovable person, unworthy of being treated any better. Well, the fact that I’m fabulous lets me know I am not this person I was conditioned to believe I was.  Thru soul searching and therapy, I’ve been blessed to locate my infamous seed, now I just have to deal with it so I can walk in my true destiny. I believed just learning what the seed was would be enough, never realizing I had to actually go back and deal with it and definitely couldn’t fathom how nearly impossible healing from it would feel. In order to deal with and heal from that seed, I have to deal with the tree of misery it grew to be as well as each and every branch stemming off it to move forward.  This tree had become rooted in my soul and, dealing with and healing from it is the epitome and true definition of soul searching and it’s HARD but I know it will be worth it.

Have you ever gone thru a couple of less than perfect relationships and gotten your heart broken bad enough you, to a degree, give up even trying just to avoid that possible pain yet again? Or how about have a friendship end and blame yourself, believing you are the bad person? You could also be a conformist to situations as to not ruffle feathers because you can’t handle conflict. Have you ever stayed in a relationship because you felt, even though it was destructive, your love could save someone who didn’t even realize their own issues? This list could go on and on, the point I’m trying to make is it’s not who you are, it’s who you were conditioned to be by someone who couldn’t deal with their own issues so they, inadvertently, damaged you. The person/people who did this more than likely didn’t do it intentionally, it was more of a knee jerk reaction to what they were struggling with inside themselves.

Loss of a loved one will trigger emotions and feelings so strong and deep we withdraw and lash out at those closest to us without our own realization. For the first 3 years after my father passed, I lashed out at everyone close to me near the anniversary of his death, never realizing my pain had actually turned in to anger. When we lose someone close to us, there’s a void which will never be filled the same no matter how hard someone else tries. Speaking for myself, when the anniversary of my father’s death nears, I just want to be alone so I can miss and mourn him and feel anyone who is around is intruding on his time and memory. It took me 4 years to let those closest to me know I would be to myself for about a week so I wouldn’t lash out at them and have to apologize the following week. I did and said whatever I had to just to be alone, my pain caused me to be harsh and nasty to those who just wanted to be there for me, it wasn’t right and I knew it but didn’t care, all I cared about was being left alone, feeling no one and nothing could soothe my pain. There have been those that understood me needing my space and then there were those who tried to love and be there for me thru it, while I appreciated their efforts, I still made sure I was alone. This is an example of a seed, I didn’t know it was there for over 3 years and it affected me and my relationships until I found and dealt with it the best way I knew how at the moment, I’d never lost half of my beginning before, it was new to me.

Having an absentee parent could plant the seed of feeling unworthy of love and commitment, how could it not? From your perspective, half of your beginning didn’t think enough about you to stay around or even be involved in your life, you believe you weren’t worthy of love and acceptance. This follows you as you grow up and you find yourself in situationships which have no true chance of being anything serious because you’re used to people leaving, it’s what you believe, feeling you’re worthy of having anyone stay around. And, yes, I said situationships because you haven’t experienced a true relationship, just situations masking themselves as a relationship which never have all the elements of a true relationship. When you have this seed, you are hesitant to get close to anyone out of fear they will leave and take yet another piece of your heart with them, never taking the chance on what could be the one to turn it around and have you see people do stay and love you for who you are.

We’ve all been a seed planter with someone else, each and every one of us, this shows you how unintentional this action is. When we are in pain or struggling to deal with our own demons, we hurt others who genuinely love and care about us and that plants a seed within them, having them believe they are the problem, their love isn’t enough, they don’t know how to be a good friend, or even they’re the reason for your pain and misery. They carry our hurt forward with them, growing a tree of misery within them from the seed we planted without even knowing or realizing the damage which would ensue.  The most unfortunate part of planting the seed is, even when you realize you were wrong, no amount of apologizing from you can uproot their tree, it’s something they truly have to deal with themselves, they have to find their strength and confidence and more times than not, they don’t, they go forward planting seeds in others. This is a vicious cycle we’re all spinning in.

Everyone has a seed or few which have been planted over the course of our lives and they’re affecting every aspect of our daily lives, it’s not truly who we are at our core. It is necessary to do some serious soul searching and self-evaluation and be who we truly are. One way I began dealing with my seed was by doing something I had read about Tyler Perry doing, I wrote a letter to my 5 year old self, assuring her she would be okay and wrote about things which had transpired thru the course of our life up to present day. Honey, when I tell you I didn’t realize how much I had truly been thru and endured?! It was A LOT but I found my seeds and began dealing with the roots and branches of my tree. Finding the seeds and writing about my experiences, I’ve learned a lot about the people who planted them, I don’t blame them, I actually understand them more and realize they were hurting too, I forgive and pray for them to find some sort of peace and closure to heal from their pain.

Many don’t realize how we’re blocking all the good blessings that await us on the other side of that pain, feelings of unworthiness, anger, and hurt. It’s time to walk in your destiny. Get yourself a pen and some paper (or use your computer to type it), begin that letter to your 5 year old self, use your experience and words as the shovel to uproot that tree and begin to heal. You can’t start at the branches because they are just an extension of the main issue. I have faith in you, if I can do this, anyone can. You will begin to see and understand things differently and be more conscious of, not only your seeds but, the seeds you plant in others. Your whole outlook will change for the better because you will begin planting seeds of good, helping the trees rooted in your loved ones flourish with beautiful green leaves in a field of sunshine instead of a dark, dismal, dead tree in the middle of nowhere, be the leaves on their tree not the disease which causes it to rot.

 

 

Being the mother of two beautiful teenage girls, I feel it is my responsibility to ensure they have a positive body image of themselves, never playing in to what society deems attractive. My girls don’t look like what society claims is beautiful because they are not blonde haired and blue eyed or have scarily huge butts, they are beautiful Black girls who Rock! My daughters are physically different from one another and individually beautiful inside and out and it is their father’s and my responsibility to nurture and build that confidence within them.

Every time you turn on the tv or flip a page in a magazine or are just surfing the net, you’re bombarded with images of women who appear to be absolutely perfect, having the perfect figure, her make-up and hair are always perfectly done and her facial features make her gorgeous. As adults, we know all the work that goes into making these women look flawless, we know about the airbrushing and photoshopping, the extensive exercise and eating program they are on, and the team of people it takes to get that hair and make-up perfect, we know it’s not reality or how your everyday woman looks.  Well, some of us know it’s not the reality of how and what they were born with.  There are some grown women who will scrimp and save and even forgo paying bills to save up for a cosmetic procedure, thinking it will make her more desirable or attractive. The reality? If you don’t like what you see with your eyes when you look in the mirror, it’s because you are actually seeing your character and everything that happened to you in the past.  You’re not seeing your actual reflection in that mirror, when you look at your face, you’re seeing all the criticisms of others about your appearance, those who weren’t confident enough within themselves to build you up so they broke you down. When you look at your body, you’re seeing what you lack that other women may have to get the attention of men you feel you’re not getting.

Plastic surgery is such a booming business in today’s world, so many people don’t like the way they look, never taking the time to realize and appreciate the fact GOD created them in HIS image as HE saw fit and they are perfect to HIM. Everywhere you look, women are getting butt injections or implants, they’re increasing their bust size, putting fillers in their lips and faces or getting liposuction to remove fat they are too lazy to actually do exercise to burn off. They are forever trying to change and alter their outer appearance, thinking that’s where their displeasure is stemming from. No amount of fat removal or injections in your butt and lips is going to change who you are at your core, that internal work is where you need to start. It doesn’t matter who you are or how you look, there will always be someone prettier/more handsome, ALWAYS, and that is a fact that will remain until the end of time. And, some of the most attractive people have the ugliest spirits and attitudes towards other human beings, it makes them unattractive on the outside as well.

I know a female who has gone under the knife 3 separate times, almost dying the first time, to alter her body to what she thought would make her attractive or more desirable and she still looks the exact same. She’s spent over $25k on a body she will never be happy with, no matter how much surgery she has to fix this or that. That money could have been spent for her child’s education and a vacation here or there with her child and maybe a couple alone. I’m sorry, it’s just wasteful to me to spend that much money on trying to fix the outside while never taking the time to work on the inside or even actually put in the physical work to tighten up the outside.  Her insecurities were heightened when she began seeing this guy who’s preference was light skinned females and he gained interest in her even though she was brown skinned. She went out of her way to cater to and alter her personality and put her responsibilities on the back burner so she could always be available to and for him. The reality is this, he is who he is no matter how much surgery she’s had or how available she was at any given moment, if he wanted to be faithful and committed to her, he would have chosen to do so, it’s his choice not her actions, it’s just who he is at his core and has nothing to do with how she nipped and tucked parts of her body.

Growing up and entering puberty as a female is already hard enough, your body is going thru changes, some faster than others and you’re gaining attention of all sorts. If you don’t get boobs or other curves at the same rate as your peers, you feel inadequate and it starts to affect your self-esteem, making you think you aren’t as worthy of the attention as they are getting. On the flip side, those that develop at a more rapid pace are suffering with insecurities as well because they are now getting unwarranted attention from guys who only want them for their curves, not to respect and get to know them as a person. Having personally been the less developed teen in high school, I always envied the girls with the curves, wondering why my butt wasn’t a ba-donk-a-dunk and it bred an insecurity so deep, I didn’t get comfortable with my own body until I was about 40. Even though I had those insecurities, I never thought about altering myself thru surgery, I am who and how GOD made me, never would I mess with HIS idea of perfection.

I have this bad habit of watching reality tv, it’s one of my shameful guilty pleasures, and one of my favorite shows happens to be “Botched” where people have had plastic surgery go wrong and go to these two highly skilled and accredited doctors to repair the ‘botched’ surgery. I can understand some of the surgeries being necessary, like a tummy tuck given by an ob/gyn or a breast cancer survivor getting implants and tattooed nipples/areolas to give them their confidence back. I can’t understand the women who have had multiple boob jobs wanting them even bigger or the ‘botched’ butt implants. In the latter cases, would the repairs truly have been necessary had they just left their bodies alone in the first place? I have respect for these doctors because they won’t do every surgery, they take the time to talk to the patient and understand and realize some need to seek therapy instead of larger boobs or bigger lips and will tell them “No”. The unfortunate part is the patients they tell “No” will go find another doctor who doesn’t follow the same ethical practice as the much more accredited doctors.

This need for a bigger butt and other alterations is actually costing women their lives because they go to the doctors they can afford who aren’t even licensed but give them such a low price, they can’t pass it up. Society and videos make us believe that if we don’t have a ginormous ass we’re nobodies unworthy of the finer things in life and no man will ever want us.  What a JOKE! There are women who get big ol’ booties and lil chicken legs looking like lollipops living in the hood! On the other side of the coin or torso, you have women who get unnaturally large breasts so big you can see every vein in their chest because the skin is stretched so taut around the implants, showing them off to everyone believing this is what beauty is.

I take my responsibility of raising daughters very seriously and make sure they are confident with their ever changing physiques, never calling them fat or making fun of their development, I tell them how beautiful they are on a regular basis. More importantly, I teach them how to be better people and focus on their character more than their outer appearance because I don’t want to be the parent whose child feels everything they see in the mirror is ugly.

No one is ever going to think you’re attractive if you don’t first love and accept everything about yourself first. Those stretch marks or pudge you have from having babies are what make you beautiful, you created and brought forth another human being into this world, what could be more wonderful than that? If you don’t like the amount of weight you’re carrying? Hit the gym or take a daily walk, do the work of yourself for yourself by yourself not with surgery. Embrace your flaws and imperfections, they’re what make you who you are and that’s a Queen with everything to offer!

 

 

This is it! You have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you are in love and things couldn’t be better, you’ve even been discussing marriage! YAY! Exciting isn’t it? The two of you have been ring shopping, you’ve gotten bridal books and been talking about a date and the ceremony, you have a permanent smile on your face, heart and soul. The day comes for him to get down on one knee, crack open that little box, exposing the ring of your dreams and propose to you. Does it matter if he’s gotten your parents’ blessing?

I’ve been known to be the “old fashioned” type of southern girl in a lot of aspects of my life and this is one I will forever stick to my guns on.  I still believe in being courted, to me, it is a crucial part of dating, getting to know and possibly marrying me. Courting doesn’t necessarily mean spending a lot of money to woo me, just pay attention to my likes and dislikes and proceed accordingly.  Doing things like taking me for a walk downtown on the mall after dark, surprising me with my favorite cupcake (this pleases not just me but my inner fat girl as well) if I’ve had a bad day, or even just going for a ride so we can spend time together away from everyone, simple things mean more to me than grand gestures. In the phase of courting me, he will get to know my parents and they will get to know him but only when the time is right, not before, everyone who takes me on a date hasn’t earned the privilege of meeting them. This courting phase is to enable your family to better get to know the man you are crazy about and see how he is on a regular basis, not just when he picks you up for a date or from what you tell them.

When I was proposed to, there was no question as to whether or not he had spoken to my father to get his blessing prior to getting down on that one knee, they were already thick as thieves and closer than most family members, my dad loved him as his son. My father was an integral part of my proposal, from getting the location to playing the perfect playlist to ensuring family members would be there to witness his baby getting engaged. Had they not had that bond and connection, I would have questioned whether he had gotten my father’s blessing for our union and my hand in marriage.

Yes, I know, as women, we tend to get so swept up in the immediate aspect of getting engaged, from the location to the ring to what he said when he asked, even what we were wearing, that we forget to ask “Did you ask my daddy first”?  There will be situations where the father is either no longer alive or has never been a part of your life, at this point, he should go to your mother, the head of the household, the person who raised you, this should be protocol. Yes, I know, you’re an adult, you’ve been supporting yourself for some years now, why would you need ‘permission’ to marry the person you love and loves you back, that’s all that matters, right? When he asks your parents for their blessing, he is setting the stage for a wonderful relationship between him and them. Asking for your hand in marriage is a matter of respect shown to all of you and shows your parents that he loves you enough to go thru the possible discomfort of asking for your hand. It also opens the door for your father/head of household the opportunity to have a meaningful conversation about love, family and future plans with you.

You will forever be your parents’ child and they only want what’s best for you, they want better for you than they had and do what they can to ensure you have it.  Understand this, your parents have lived more life, experienced way more than they’ll ever speak of, they can see people for who they are and their love for you lets them know if someone means you no good.  When parents have a daughter, they have already envisioned the type of man they want her to spend the rest of her life with and that vision may not always line up with who you’ve chosen but what should line up are the basics in a relationship.  They want a man who is going to take care of, protect, respect and honor you in every facet of life. They don’t want the guy who will sit on the couch watching tv while you’re outside shoveling snow, one who can’t financially support you, doesn’t support your dreams, goals and ambitions, or has no drive of his own, no parent wants that for their child because they know it only brings more stress and strain to your life and marriage.

If your parents have reservations about your mate, take the time to sit down and talk to them because they may not fully see why things are the way they are. Maybe you were shoveling the snow because his back locked up and you insisted, maybe you’re footing the bills because his hours got cut at work but he’s buying all the groceries and helping out around the house more. None of this is known until you sit down and open the lines of communication with your parents.

Many times we get so blinded by love and the image of “happily ever after”, we may not see what our parents see because we love our mate in spite of the fact they are not perfect, we see the good in them, we ‘know’ them, right? Your parents have life experience that allows them to make sure you don’t repeat their mistakes or have to struggle as they did. If they don’t immediately give their blessing, there’s a reason which needs to be discussed for everyone to gain some understanding and move forward with clear hearts and intentions.  Take the time to learn their reservations because they may love him as a person but, looking from the outside in, they can see the possible struggles the two of you may endure.

After you exchange “I Dos”, this person is not just your spouse, they are now your family and your union now joins both of your families together. How could you have a happy union if your parents have reservations and resentment towards your spouse for not getting their blessing first? This is why it is so crucial for him to have that conversation with them prior to getting on that knee to you. Believe me, no blood family is without their issues and flaws but this is what you are born into, this is your blood line.  When you agree to marry someone and make them your family, this is a choice you’ve made. No marriage is perfect either, there will be disagreements and issues that will arise and if they get to be too much, you can end the union and your spouse will no longer be your family. No matter what happens, your blood family is still your family for eternity and if there was resentment or harsh feelings, that bond may never be the same as it was prior to your marriage.

Although society seems to have gotten away from this step in relationships, that doesn’t mean you have to settle for society’s lowered standards. Getting away from these standards is one of the factors of what’s breaking down the family dynamics previous generations struggled to maintain.  Don’t get so lost in the fact you’re getting engaged that you forget you’re also promising to build a life with someone. Who knows, omitting this one step could be the reason divorce rates are so high and side pieces are now a common fixture in relationships, that key conversation with your father lays the ground work of respect for you. If he loves, honors and respects you, asking for your hand won’t be an issue, it will be something he looks forward to. Don’t settle for less, you’re worth that conversation.

Many don’t realize how prevalent domestic violence is in today’s society, do you know it happens to 1 and 3 women? This means you either know someone who has suffered, is currently suffering or you are the sufferer or survivor. This is a sad and staggering reality. What’s even worse is many suffer in silence, blaming themselves for the actions of someone who is struggling with their own demons and insecurities. The fact that too many women are losing their lives at the hands of someone they loved and trusted is becoming more and more frequent lately, it’s getting out of hand! You feel you can’t even move on with your life because someone wants you and only you and if they can’t have you, they believe no one should. Your sanity and happiness is not their concern, you being with them or alone and miserable is all they care about!

Most believe an abuser to be a thug or a ‘bad boy’, nothing can be further from the truth. The guy who grew up with a privileged life could be the same person who is abusing his wife behind closed doors every single day. What many fail to realize is you don’t have to come from a broken home to be an abuser or abused. Even the person who watched their parents have a loving, successful, happy marriage has the potential to lay hands or spew insulting words at their mate. There is no poster child for what the face of domestic violence looks like, from the abuser to the abused, everyone has suffered some form of it at some point in their life. You may have watched your parents argue and possibly fight or you were (or are currently) in an abusive relationship.  Abusive relationships aren’t just between men and women either, 2 women involved in a relationship can be abused as well.  Once you understand that all abuse isn’t physical, you’ll understand how prominent it is in your life and others.

So many of us don’t even realize we are victims of abuse in a relationship because we believe that if they’re not putting their hands on us, there is no abuse, right?  The constant put downs, nitpicking and belittling, over small, insignificant things isn’t seen as abuse because you’ve been convinced by this person that they only have your best interest at heart and only want you to be the best you possible. If the only way they know how to, supposedly, make you better is by breaking you, they don’t want what’s best for you, they want to control you. You will find yourself putting distance between you and close friends and family at his urging by stating they don’t know the real you or want to see you happy, only he does. You make these sacrifices for what you believe is pure, genuine love but it’s not, anyone who loves you unconditionally loves and accepts you as you are, not who they think they want you to be. Mental and verbal abuse leave emotional scarring no one else can see or imagine unless they’ve been in your shoes.

Having all of your flaws pointed out, you feel exposed and a sense of shame that you lived your life being such a messed up person for so long and lean on the one person who had the courage to point them out in order for you to ‘fix’ them.  The person you love unconditionally has conditions on how they love and accept you, when you don’t meet their idea of perfection, they do what they can to break and mold you into what they want, not who you are. You find yourself re-evaluating every relationship in your life and only seeing your negative actions, blaming yourself for every disagreement even if you were right.  Look at you, now you are breaking and abusing yourself, crying alone because now you have no one to lean on outside of him.

Verbal and emotional abuse has affects so damaging they could be lifelong, affecting every relationship moving forward in life even if you break free of and leave your abuser. When you meet new people, you tend to be withdrawn and shy because you’ve been conditioned to not have an opinion, your opinion is wrong, your words don’t matter or, even worse, you don’t matter.  You’ll find yourself second guessing every action you make because you now believe who you were was never good enough and don’t want to regress. You may meet a wonderful guy but find yourself snapping at him when you think you see a trait that is similar to your ex in him, you’ll even find flaws in him that are actually not there so you have a reason to end the relationship out of fear of being back in hell. You don’t trust anyone’s true intentions anymore because the last time you did, they broke you and you refuse to be broken again without fighting this time. This is not taking a stand, this is avoiding the deeper issue of your pain and anger towards someone who didn’t know how to love themselves enough to love you.

To the outside world, everything seems perfect, they’re a loving partner and you’re the perfect woman, catering to their every want and need with a smile on your face. It’s not until you get home do you get confronted with how you disrespected them by having a conversation with their uncle or male cousin and they show it violently with their hands. Physical abuse carries the heavy load of embarrassment and shame, you become quite the make-up artist because you are constantly trying to camouflage the bruises left by the person who claimed to love you. You find yourself flinching every time they make a move in your direction, always ensuring dinner is cooked perfectly, the children are quiet, and the house is spotless because anything that angers them is taken out on your face and body.  You find yourself making excuses for and defending your abuser, such as: “Their job is really stressing them out and I’m not making it easier by not cleaning the way they like” or “He really is a good man, life is just hard for him right now” or “You know how mouthy I can be” or even “But he’s such a good father and provider”.

There will be many who don’t understand why you just don’t leave, having never been in the situation, they believe it’s cut and dry, telling you they “wouldn’t take that shit” and, in a way, judge you for staying, never trying to gain an understanding of why you are there or how broken you truly are. The first thing you must do is look at the source and ask: “Are they in a successful, loving relationship”? “Have they ever experienced what you’re going thru”? Most times, the answer will be no and you’ll realize the person giving you ‘advice’ doesn’t understand.  That’s like telling someone who lost a parent that you understand what they’re going thru even tho you have both of your parents. It’s insulting because until you’ve been in those shoes, you can’t possibly really understand.  When someone comes to you about their situation, they are not looking for you to fix anything, they just need an ear or a sounding board, just someone to be there for them, not tell them to leave.  The reality is, 9 times out of 10, they know they are going back home to him because only they will know when they’ve had enough, your words and criticisms of the situation may only push her closer to him, leaving her feeling more alone than before. When you are in an abusive relationship, it feels impossible to leave because you feel like you’d be abandoning him. Yes, I said abandoning the person who is abusing you, I know it sounds crazy but it’s reality because you see potential in them, you know somewhere deep down they are a good person and if you leave, that awesome person may never come out.

Things may get so bad you eventually find the strength and courage to leave and actually get a restraining order against your abuser, thinking you are safe. Well, unfortunately, it’s been proven time and time again that a restraining order is only a piece of paper, if they want to hurt or even kill you, they will, regardless of the repercussions they will suffer for violating an order. I know of a woman who had a restraining order against her very abusive estranged husband, he couldn’t come within a certain amount of feet from her so, one morning he stood on the other side of the gate to her home with a shotgun and, as she walked out the door, shot her in her head while her child stood there in shock still holding his mother’s hand. Restraining orders also don’t work if you don’t abide by them either, letting him come over because you miss him or he wants to see his children is a violation and you’re only making a mockery of the legal system trying to protect those who are abused. If he wants to see his children, arrangements thru a mutual 3^rd party can be made, he doesn’t need to come inside your home to do so.

It takes strength and endurance to leave an abusive relationship without bitterness and hatred in your heart for your abuser, it’s necessary for your sanity and healing. When you have decided the relationship is over, communicate it with your partner, telling them you have to work on yourself and be calm about it, never blaming them, that will only enrage them and possibly make that the last conversation you ever have. Also, let your friends and family know the situation so they can be there for you in this very trying time and to make sure you are safe. It breaks my heart to know so many will be lost to and many more suffer from domestic violence, every abused person can’t be saved but I’m sure we can save some if we take the time to understand and recognize the signs we see in our loved ones, don’t let them go thru this alone.

Never judge anyone because you have no idea of what they’re going thru or their story unless they feel inclined to share it. The woman you sat next to on the train this morning? Her night could have been spent being yelled at by her husband because his socks weren’t folded exactly the same or his chicken wasn’t piping hot. Take a look at your co-worker, ever notice how she keeps to herself? That’s because she doesn’t want to cry from the pain she endures every moment of her life outside of the office. Even the person who is always so put together and poised goes home and cries tears only she and GOD know about from the pain and worthless feeling she endures yet pulls herself together every day and puts a smile on her face to mask it. She could even be the person who’s blog you’re reading… you just never know. #survivor

I am a mother of 2 beautiful, yet very different, teenage girls and I’m single due to the marriage to their father not working out. Our marriage failing never gave us the right to fail these girls as parents, we take this co-parenting thing seriously because we understand they need both of us at all times.  There are times I feel alone when dealing with the day to day struggles of their different personalities but I have a sense of relief knowing I can pick up the phone and call him and he’s present. He may not be in the house with us but he’s never stopped being their daddy. If he’s unable to come and have a sit down with them face to face, he will parent thru the phone until he is able to do so. We understand how important this facet is in their lives and molding them in to respectful, responsible young women in order to be functioning adults in the real world.

On a regular basis, the girls and I will sit down and have what I refer to as “Come to Jesus” meetings where we discuss what’s going on in their lives, what bothers them, and why their chores aren’t getting done. I believe in keeping the lines of communication open with my children at all times because if I’m not there, who do they have to turn and talk to when they have questions about things happening in their ever changing lives? Their teenage friends who know as much, or maybe less, as them? I think NOT!  Their friends may have different challenges and experiences but it doesn’t beat or compare to the experience and knowledge of us, their mother and father. Yes, I know they will come to me more often because I am a female and that’s not only okay with me, it’s my blessing and destiny.

Having my girls has made me realize I am living my mother’s life all over again and I used to question it but I’ve gained much insight, understanding and gratitude and now see it as a blessing, not a curse. Growing up, I witnessed my mother struggle with my sister and her attitude, I sat back and learned what not to do and where the line was while my sister constantly crossed and danced around it, staying in trouble. Yes, this is my life yet again, only this time I’m the parent learning how to structure and mold these girls into young women.  I’ve been labeled “Claire Huxtable”  and take it as a compliment, I’ve also had my parenting skills questioned because I enforce the rules and sternly talk to my daughters but also take the time to go back after we’ve each calmed down and, not just talk with them, but also listen to how they feel about what transpired. I’ve learned that just fussing at them solves nothing, if they feel alone and unheard they won’t gain the full understanding of what happened and needs to be done to heal the situation and themselves. I own and will apologize when I am wrong, that’s my responsibility as a person, not just a parent, I have to be that example for them.

While their bickering and fighting is nerve racking, it’s also an opportunity for me to parent and be there for them. Do I lose my temper from time to time? Hell yeah, I’m human, not perfect. When I lose my temper, it’s yet another opportunity to discuss with the girls how to properly handle yourself in a heated situation. Just recently, the girls were at each other’s throats the entire day and I, as usual, was the mediator. I took this time to share with them how to react in these situations, letting them know arguing solves absolutely nothing, it only creates hurt feelings from words that can’t be taken back, resentment and anger towards each other. Arguing is nothing more than people talking/yelling at one another, never taking the time to listen to the real reason someone is upset. When things happen, no one is 100% right nor are they 100% wrong, they both have a part in the argument/disagreement. The challenge is coming to grips with that reality and it’s even harder to do when you are a teenager.

I may be 44 years old but I didn’t truly grow up and become an actual adult until I became a mother, being blessed with them shrunk and expanded my entire world at the same time. It shrunk my world because it became all about them and their well beings, no longer about me. It expanded my world because it opened my eyes to the challenges they would encounter in the outside world and I am responsible for arming them with the necessary tools to handle those challenges and obstacles. I know they will encounter cruel people who are insecurely dealing with their own demons and issues on a regular basis and I am responsible for teaching my daughters to understand this, never letting it damage their self-esteem and make them feel as though there is something wrong with them. I’ve lived that life and refuse to have my children suffer the way I did, they deserve way more than that, they are worthy.

Everything we go thru in our lives happens for a reason, to prepare us for situations in the future. You may not see or understand it at the time but understand you had to go thru it to help someone else at a later time.  Now, how you handle and what you gain from these experiences is all on you, it’s your choice whether you let it make or break you. If you don’t learn and grow from it, how are you going to be able to be there for you child when they go thru something similar?  Are you going to let them suffer and struggle as you did or will you be vulnerable enough to share how you dealt with it when it happened to you? I found this to be my blessing because I am able to heal myself and my past while helping my daughters with their present and future. Knowing they are watching my every move and reaction has made me check myself and become a better person and parent because I am much more conscious of my wrong doings and how I’ve mishandled them in the past.

Keep in mind there needs to be a balance with this single parenting thing tho, you can’t just make everything in your life about your children but you also can’t think only of yourself either.  Maintain some semblance of individualism because you are still a healthy adult, just never let your “life” interfere with the betterment of your children’s. If you make everything about them all the time, what happens when they turn 18 and go to college or the military or even just move out? You’re stuck in the house, no friends, nothing to do, not knowing how to function because they were your purpose for 18 years. Don’t be the crazy cat or dog lady filling your house with animals just to have something fill a void that you created by holding on too tight. It’s hard to watch our babies fall and fail but it’s necessary for them to gain those life experiences, just be there for them with an open heart, listening ear and words of comfort and advice, both of you will be better because of it.

 

 

Yesterday, we celebrated Independence Day and I started thinking about the true meaning of ‘independence’ and realized it’s not merely about us as a nation, we all have, enjoy and need to create our own personal independence.  Independence is about freedom from oppression and being able to stand on our own two feet.

Believing and living a lie is a form of oppression because we aren’t free to be ourselves and do as we truly feel.  This lie could be something as simple as putting on a farce of having a lot of money when we don’t know from day to day if our lights will get cut off or whether we will have the funds to put food on the table for our families.  This is a lie many live on a regular basis. I’ve never been one to front about what I have, if I have something, it’s because I’ve saved and sacrificed to obtain it but never at the expense of my true responsibilities.  When one puts on the façade they have a materialistically extravagant lifestyle to impress others, they fail to realize those they are seeking approval and acceptance from don’t truly know them.  We let pride stand in the way of saying “Hey, I just don’t have it this week” for fear of looking like a failure or not up to certain standards.

Toxic relationships, whether they be romantic, familial, or friendship are very oppressive because we are so worried about pleasing someone else, we never take a moment to think about what makes us happy.  That friend who is never happy about anything in their life, complains all the time, or is just plain negative is an oppressor of your happiness, bringing you down with their misery.  Being a true friend, you are there for them because you want to help them feel better, see the brighter side of life and everything they have going for them because you empathize with their struggles. Being there for others, we tend to avoid boundaries out of fear of looking like a bad, uncaring friend or not being there for them, all the while neglecting our own issues. Setting boundaries is not a punishment to your friend or friendship, it’s necessary for you both to be healthy and helpful to each other.

What about that job you drag yourself to every day?  You know the one! The one that makes you dread Monday – Friday because you are so miserable from the moment you open your eyes knowing where you’re going?  Yeah, that one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you just up and quit your job calling your boss your oppressor as you storm out of the building, not a good look at all! I’m suggesting you seek a position that makes you look forward to getting up and hitting the road each day, one that makes you feel you have a purpose and are appreciated.  That position may not even be in the field you are currently working but it’s out there waiting for you to find. The next time Suzie comes over to tell you yet another adventure of her 9 cats, take that time to tighten up your resume’ and look for something new and exciting, her cat stories will be there after lunch.

You ever hear a rumor or someone else’s opinion about yourself that is not true yet you focus on it, wondering why anyone would start or even believe it to be true? Unfortunately, this is all too common and the saddest reality is those who start the rumors and share their opinion don’t truly know or care about you, they’re battling their own insecurities and it’s easier for them to try to break another person than deal with their own demons. This holds you back as well because you’re in your head, constantly worrying about your reputation and what others may think of you. People are going to have their own opinion of you no matter how good of a person you may be. While this actually has nothing to do with you, you hold on to it and it brings you down because you feel less than. To claim your independence/freedom in this scenario, all you can do is distance yourself from the negative people and continue to be yourself, never letting small minded people change your heart and actions. Rumors and negative opinions are shared and started by insecure people who feel threatened by all of your awesomeness, let them talk, knowing and having confidence in who and how wonderful you are.  There are some people who will never see the good in you and that’s fine, their closed minded opinions are not your cross to bear and will keep you from seeing all the blessings you really do have.

Loving someone with every fiber of your being and not have those feelings reciprocated as you deserve and are worthy of is one of the biggest oppressors many of us experience but fail to see because we are so blinded with being in love. To open your eyes to the reality of what’s truly going on in a romantic relationship is harder than taking the step to find a new job or distancing yourself from someone you considered a good friend but it’s necessary in order to break the chains that are holding you back.  Sometimes, all it takes is having a conversation and being vulnerable when you communicate, other times, it may be realizing you need to close that chapter of your life and move on.  Either way, you’ll regain your freedom.

Too often we don’t even realize we are our own oppressor because we only see the good in people and situations, never understanding how much it’s suffocating us and sabotaging our overall well-being. When we put everything on hold to tend to other’s needs before our own, we’re not giving ourselves the opportunity to grow as we were designed.

It’s time to claim and gain your independence from whatever is oppressing you and stunting your growth, you can’t grow if you’re being held down or back by unhealthy relationships and situations. Life is far too precious and short to sit in a cell/mindset of oppression!  You, and only you, hold the keys to your happiness and freedom. Take a deep breath, step out on faith, and use the key to open that door and step out of the cell with the intention of living and enjoying your life to the fullest! From this point on, never give anyone else the keys to your happiness, it’s your responsibility, not theirs and no one is going to work harder for it than you. Happy Independence Day!