How many times have you said something in the heat of the moment and realized later those words would’ve been better left unsaid? Had you taken a moment to think before you spoke in anger, you may still be in that relationship, had a better relationship with the mother/father of your children or still had your best friend. It is said “Hindsight is 20/20” because it’s not perfectly clear what should or shouldn’t have been done or said until after the fact and time has been had to review the entire situation once the moment has passed and you are alone and calm.
Life isn’t a movie or a computer, you can’t go back and undo a mistake or take back hateful words, once it’s done it’s done and you have to own it, heal from it and move forward. It’s always easy to replay the situation and realize what you should or could have said differently after the relationship lies suffering on the floor, struggling to survive the words you used as bullets against your loved one. Hindsight may be perfect vision but it also cost you a lot because it’s not until you look back do you realize how hurtful you were while you damaged another human being.
It is so easy to just respond with the first thought that crosses our minds, the challenge comes in taking the time to evaluate those words before they are spewed at someone else. We’ve all been guilty, at one time or another, of reacting this way while in the midst of a heated conversation, never taking the time to understand the irreparable damage we are causing the other person and our relationship with them from that point forward. Being so concerned with the other person getting the better of us, we don’t care what we say or how it comes across, just as long as it stings them as they’ve done us. Going tit for tat is not healthy for anyone, words are like bullets, once they’ve been discharged, the damage cannot be undone nor can they be unheard.
If only people would take a moment to think about how they would be hurting the person they are spewing hateful words at during the conversation, there would fewer broken hearted and damaged people in the world. The hardest part of reacting before thinking is losing a friendship, lover or relationship with a family member only to realize after the fact it would still be intact had it been handled differently. You can apologize until you’re blue in the face and try to reform yourself to prove you’re sorry, the damage is done and your relationship will never be the same, if it even continues to exist beyond that heated moment.
When someone comes at you in a confrontational manner, it is your responsibility to remain conscious of the words that leave your mouth, not them, their words and actions are their cross to bear. When you respond in the same manner in which they are essentially, attacking you, you are only putting yourself between them and their Karma and all that accomplishes is hurt feelings, tears and resentment where there was once love. Think of it this way, if all you’re doing is angrily responding, when are you taking the time to actually listen to what’s being said? Most arguments and heated discussions are the product of someone who is hurting but it’s never taken into consideration because when someone tells us how we hurt them, we jump on the defense. Pain and heartache are powerful and overwhelming emotions which make most of us uncomfortable, causing us to resort to anger since it’s the easier emotion, we feel somehow protected and vindicated when we see our words hurt them. Essentially, that’s all we’re trying to do: make them hurt because we are hurting, this is why anger and pain appear interchangeable.
There will be times in your life when someone you care deeply about says some of the most hateful and hurtful things imagined and say “Well, I was mad” to somehow justify ripping your heart out and stomping it into the ground. It hurts so badly because we are in disbelief someone we love would actually have so little regard for our feelings by being so selfish and thinking solely of their own emotions. We are only aware of and responsible for our own transgressions, no one else’s. We don’t know if they can’t sleep at night because they have regrets of what they said or how they treated us with such disdain and little regard. Some of us are a lot more sensitive than others, I fall into this category and am very aware of and sensitive to others’ feelings. I make it my mission to put myself in the other person’s shoes and think about how it would feel if I responded to their words in the same manner they were spewing them at me. Am I always pleased and walk away with a smile on my face and heart after a heated discussion? Absolutely not but I take comfort in the fact I didn’t damage another human being with my words.
While it’s not always possible and definitely not easy to hold your tongue during a heated discussion, I’ve learned how to handle hot headed people with minimal damage to myself and them. Here are a couple of options: simply say, “I’m not doing this until we are both calmer and able to have a rational discussion as adults” and walk away or, if you’re not able to leave, just stay calm, don’t raise your voice, don’t fuel their fire. There are people who have so much personal anger and resentment brewing within them they look for any opportunity to unload some of it onto someone else, attempting to bring them down to their level, ruining that person’s day as well. It’s the old adage of ‘Misery loves company’. My suggestion is to not pour gasoline on their already roaring fire with your words, instead, be the water that helps extinguish it. You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you don’t feed into and carry their anger around with you.
When we have a moment of hindsight of our former relationships, we examine them closely and notice our part in their demise. If a moment is taken to think about your response and how it would affect your loved ones before reacting in anger, you won’t have to look backwards, you’ll be able to look forward with a clear heart and conscience. The next time you are in a heated discussion and hear your response in your head, take a moment to think how it would feel if someone said those words to you. If those words wouldn’t soothe your soul, help you gain more insight or calm the situation at hand, don’t say them. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled in to their fire and down to their level, you are better than that. Damaging others with your words will only lead to you living in hindsight and trying to apologize and repair another person you purposely damaged. You can’t undo the past, all you can do is move forward knowing what you know now from your experiences, let your foresight be your 20/20 perfect vision.
Great article and so true on so many points! Thank you for sharing!