Month: June 2016

How many times have you said something in the heat of the moment and realized later those words would’ve been better left unsaid? Had you taken a moment to think before you spoke in anger, you may still be in that relationship, had a better relationship with the mother/father of your children or still had your best friend.  It is said “Hindsight is 20/20” because it’s not perfectly clear what should or shouldn’t have been done or said until after the fact and time has been had to review the entire situation once the moment has passed and you are alone and calm.

Life isn’t a movie or a computer, you can’t go back and undo a mistake or take back hateful words, once it’s done it’s done and you have to own it, heal from it and move forward.  It’s always easy to replay the situation and realize what you should or could have said differently after the relationship lies suffering on the floor, struggling to survive the words you used as bullets against your loved one. Hindsight may be perfect vision but it also cost you a lot because it’s not until you look back do you realize how hurtful you were while you damaged another human being.

It is so easy to just respond with the first thought that crosses our minds, the challenge comes in taking the time to evaluate those words before they are spewed at someone else.  We’ve all been guilty, at one time or another, of reacting this way while in the midst of a heated conversation, never taking the time to understand the irreparable damage we are causing the other person and our relationship with them from that point forward.  Being so concerned with the other person getting the better of us, we don’t care what we say or how it comes across, just as long as it stings them as they’ve done us.  Going tit for tat is not healthy for anyone, words are like bullets, once they’ve been discharged, the damage cannot be undone nor can they be unheard.

If only people would take a moment to think about how they would be hurting the person they are spewing hateful words at during the conversation, there would fewer broken hearted and damaged people in the world.  The hardest part of reacting before thinking is losing a friendship, lover or relationship with a family member only to realize after the fact it would still be intact had it been handled differently.  You can apologize until you’re blue in the face and try to reform yourself to prove you’re sorry, the damage is done and your relationship will never be the same, if it even continues to exist beyond that heated moment.

When someone comes at you in a confrontational manner, it is your responsibility to remain conscious of the words that leave your mouth, not them, their words and actions are their cross to bear. When you respond in the same manner in which they are essentially, attacking you, you are only putting yourself between them and their Karma and all that accomplishes is hurt feelings, tears and resentment where there was once love. Think of it this way, if all you’re doing is angrily responding, when are you taking the time to actually listen to what’s being said? Most arguments and heated discussions are the product of someone who is hurting but it’s never taken into consideration because when someone tells us how we hurt them, we jump on the defense.  Pain and heartache are powerful and overwhelming emotions which make most of us uncomfortable, causing us to resort to anger since it’s the easier emotion, we feel somehow protected and vindicated when we see our words hurt them.  Essentially, that’s all we’re trying to do: make them hurt because we are hurting, this is why anger and pain appear interchangeable.

There will be times in your life when someone you care deeply about says some of the most hateful and hurtful things imagined and say “Well, I was mad” to somehow justify ripping your heart out and stomping it into the ground. It hurts so badly because we are in disbelief someone we love would actually have so little regard for our feelings by being so selfish and thinking solely of their own emotions. We are only aware of and responsible for our own transgressions, no one else’s. We don’t know if they can’t sleep at night because they have regrets of what they said or how they treated us with such disdain and little regard. Some of us are a lot more sensitive than others, I fall into this category and am very aware of and sensitive to others’ feelings.  I make it my mission to put myself in the other person’s shoes and think about how it would feel if I responded to their words in the same manner they were spewing them at me.  Am I always pleased and walk away with a smile on my face and heart after a heated discussion?  Absolutely not but I take comfort in the fact I didn’t damage another human being with my words.

While it’s not always possible and definitely not easy to hold your tongue during a heated discussion, I’ve learned how to handle hot headed people with minimal damage to myself and them.  Here are a couple of options: simply say, “I’m not doing this until we are both calmer and able to have a rational discussion as adults” and walk away or, if you’re not able to leave, just stay calm, don’t raise your voice, don’t fuel their fire.  There are people who have so much personal anger and resentment brewing within them they look for any opportunity to unload some of it onto someone else, attempting to bring them down to their level, ruining that person’s day as well.  It’s the old adage of ‘Misery loves company’.  My suggestion is to not pour gasoline on their already roaring fire with your words, instead, be the water that helps extinguish it.  You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you don’t feed into and carry their anger around with you.

When we have a moment of hindsight of our former relationships, we examine them closely and notice our part in their demise.  If a moment is taken to think about your response and how it would affect your loved ones before reacting in anger, you won’t have to look backwards, you’ll be able to look forward with a clear heart and conscience.  The next time you are in a heated discussion and hear your response in your head, take a moment to think how it would feel if someone said those words to you.  If those words wouldn’t soothe your soul, help you gain more insight or calm the situation at hand, don’t say them. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled in to their fire and down to their level, you are better than that. Damaging others with your words will only lead to you living in hindsight and trying to apologize and repair another person you purposely damaged.  You can’t undo the past, all you can do is move forward knowing what you know now from your experiences, let your foresight be your 20/20 perfect vision.

We are all individuals, having our own mindset and way of thinking. More times than not, we share our mindset with others, not to challenge or change their way of thinking or believing but simply to show them there is more than one way of looking at a situation. Having a different way of seeing a situation doesn’t mean one person is wrong and the other is right, they simply just have different perceptions on the same subject.

I’ll proudly admit and own the fact I see things differently than most because I see, feel and react with my heart while others see and act only with logic.  It is hard to share your perceptions with a closed minded person, they seem to be on the defensive at all times for fear there might actually be another way of seeing and reacting to a situation they are dead set should be one way and one way only.  Instead of exploring other options which could possibly bring them happiness and joy beyond their wildest dreams, closed minded people choose to stay trapped in their own mind of how things “should” be, which causes them to be quite miserable when things aren’t panning out as they envisioned them. “If you ever want to hear GOD laugh, tell him your plans”.

Have you ever met someone who was nowhere near what you deemed to be your ‘type’ and they ended up sweeping you off your feet before you had a chance to even blink? Or how about the one who is your type but the feelings are so strong, you get scared and do whatever you can to ruin what could potentially be the best thing to ever happen to you? I know people who have been in love with one person but felt for one reason or another it wouldn’t work so they tried everything in their power not to accept the love and ended up living in misery because they fought what GOD destined for them.  Some people will stay closed minded in matters of the heart because they are using logic and fear against the strength of love, fearing if they let it in, they will be hurt, never taking the time to comprehend there is no greater force than that of love.  Too many closed minded people try to use logic instead of accepting love with an open mind of the wonderful possibilities it has to offer. This is an instance where the mind needs to be so open, it’s willing to step back and let the heart handle those brought into our lives who makes us feel and see things as no one before or after them ever have or will.   Don’t be so willing to settle for anything less than stellar out of fear of actually being happy with the one who makes your heart skip a beat and puts a smile on your face just from seeing a picture of them.

I’ve come to learn as I get older, although I may be sheltered, I’m not closed minded about most stuff.  There are subjects I will openly admit that I will never understand, think is okay or accept, pedophilia is one of them because I’ll never be able to comprehend how an adult could touch and do inappropriate things to an innocent child. Now, with that said, if someone has a different opinion or outlook on something I’ve done or believe, I’ll gladly sit and have a discussion, expressing my view and listening to theirs as long as it’s done with respect.  When someone comes at me with a know it all, self-righteous attitude and demeanor, I shut down because I know, at that point, it’s not coming from a place of love and concern.  I believe it to be a great opportunity to be able to sit and listen to someone express their views and opinions about a subject I used to see only one way, enabling me to now have a totally different perspective, outlook and understanding.   Unfortunately, we all run across people in our lives who’ve refused to even listen to another perspective, they are closed minded about everything and refuse to budge.

Closed minded people tend to be extra sensitive about everything said to them, taking everything personally and feeling as though the world is against them, fearful their perspectives will be proven incorrect. Perspectives and opinions are like elbows and assholes, everyone has one, some may stink but it’s theirs to have.  If their view on how their life is supposed to be is challenged, they shut down, possibly get an attitude and refuse to discuss things further. Gaining a new perspective shouldn’t be perceived as a bad thing, it should be embraced and received.

Being open minded, I tend to ask a whole lot of questions which is off-putting to most because they interpret my questions as an interrogation when I’m only trying to gain clarity and understanding. There are a lot of things I haven’t done or experienced in my life and have been blessed to come across people who have and get excited just to hear and learn what they’ve been thru. An experience that relates to this is when I was growing up, the street lights meant I needed to have my butt in the house, no exceptions only punishment if I let them beat me home. My extended family lived in the city and I would spend weekends and time during the summer with them and I’ll never forget when my cousin said “Let’s go to 7-11 and get a pickle”, I stood there like my feet were rooted to the floor with a terrified look in my eyes and said “But the street lights are on”, she sucked her teeth and said “Girl, if you don’t come on”! When I crossed that threshold and walked down the street at night, I was in awe!  LOL Here I was 15 years old behaving like a 3 year old seeing something new and amazing for the first time but this was a regular experience for her.

Everyone is not going to be accepting of who you are and what you share, it won’t click with those with closed minds, you may even be judged for not fitting in to what they deem to be normal and acceptable.  If you take the time to open your mind to new ideas, experiences and perceptions, you’ll be amazed how your world opens and changes for the better.  I’m not saying to throw caution to the wind in every aspect of your life, I’m merely saying take off the dark shades and let some light in. Strike up a conversation with someone from a different nationality and learn about their culture, go to another denominational church with an open mind and heart to receive, take a chance on the love you can’t let go of, even go so far as taking a walk around the neighborhood after dark!  The world is yours for the taking, all you have to do is remove the dark shades on your mind and let some light in to experience it.

Today, we celebrate the fathers in our lives, whether they be our biological father, step father, the father of our children or even father figures, we praise, honor and celebrate them for the men they are and influences they have in our lives.  Some fathers will be honored by a big breakfast, some by a family cookout, dinner at a restaurant, showered with homemade gifts or cards and ties galore, while others are remembered, missed and honored with flowers and tears on a headstone.  Without our fathers, none of us would be here.

There are those who are not as fortunate as others to have their fathers play an active role in their lives while some have only their father as their parental guidance and support.  I am a daddy’s girl, thru and thru, my daddy was everything to me.  While this man was not perfect, he was still my hero, mentor, confidant, leader, teacher, role model, guide and, his most important role? My daddy.  My father was a kind hearted, loving man to his children and when I came of age to begin thinking of a spouse, I knew the qualities I would seek because my daddy had set the bar high and once you’ve been treated as a princess, you can’t lower your standards and settle for anything less.

There is a blaring difference between the terms father and daddy.  A father is a male who creates a life but is not active in that child’s life for whatever reason, he doesn’t visit his child, worries more about himself than that child’s wellbeing.  A daddy is the man who embraces the blessing GOD bestows upon him when he creates life, he is involved in aspects of that child’s life from the beginning and throughout their life, makes sacrifices to ensure his child has even if that means he has to go without, works in jobs he hates just to provide for his family, instills morals and values to mold that individual into being a respectable woman or gentleman, is there to chase away the Boogie Man when their child is scared yet firm enough to discipline when that child gets out of line. Any male can spend a few moments of ecstasy and fertilize an egg and become a father but it takes a strong, yet gentle, man to earn the title of Daddy.

As of late, I’ve heard females claiming this day for themselves because they have been the parent who does everything for their child and I don’t feel that is appropriate.  I know many men who are the primary parent and support for their child but never demand to be appreciated on Mother’s Day because they respect it as such, it’s our day as mothers.  Why aren’t men afforded the same respect on their day?  No one person’s effort outweighs the efforts of another.  Just like there are deadbeat fathers out here, there’s just as many deadbeat mothers but no one focuses on that.  Why are we beating our men down because our relationship didn’t work out?  There are many men who long to have contact with their children on a regular basis but are unable to due to the bitterness of a scorned woman over a failed relationship.  Ladies, your relationship with the father of your children has no true bearing on his relationship with his children, they are 2 separate entities.

Do men who do absolutely nothing for their children exist?  “I’ll take ‘Hell Yeah’ for $200, Alex”!  But that’s not all men. How do you feel when you hear a man say “all women are hoes” or “all women are gold diggers”?  I’m sure it doesn’t sit well because that is not who or how you, as an individual, are.  The same respect should be shown to men because not all of them are women beaters, abusers, abandoners, or dogs, there are actually some decent men out here who get the short end of the stick because they ARE good guys. Don’t hold all men accountable for the actions, or lack thereof, of the boys in men’s bodies.

Fathers are the pillars of the family unit and rarely shown the appreciation for all they do. Don’t wait until Father’s Day to show how much everything they do for you means, show them throughout the year their efforts aren’t going unnoticed.  When someone is shown appreciation, they work that much harder but they do it with a new fire and drive within their spirit.  When a man is appreciated for what he does, he will actually do more.  When he is not shown that appreciation, he slowly stops even trying because he feels as though he has failed with his attempts and it’s only aggravated those he loves.

Let’s build our daddies up, Ladies!  When we build them up and show our appreciation for all they do, our children will see it as well and have a new respect for their daddy.  You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with the father of your children to respect him.  Open the lines of communication so he can have a better relationship with his children, this will also show your children how mature adults should truly behave. It’s time to put on those big girl panties and show the daddies in our lives the praise and appreciation they deserve on a regular basis, not just one day a year.

Coming from someone who is no longer able to physically hug her daddy or hear his voice, take time out of your life and love the daddies in your life because GOD will need them back sooner than you realize.  Let go of the bitterness, hurt and anger and enjoy the men in your lives for you, them and your children, you all deserve that healthy relationship

Unless you married the first boy who ever spoke to you or are still friends with that first little girl you met in kindergarten, you’ve had a relationship or two end.  The ending of relationships, whether they be romantic or friendships, is hard and usually unpleasant.  Relationships end for a variety of reasons, some legit and some so petty you are still baffled to this very day wondering what on earth happened.  One day, you’re hanging out with your best friend and the next week she’s not even speaking to you.  Or, you and your Boo are sailing along wonderfully and out of the blue you get a call saying “I need some space” and he’s gone. The first question we tend to ask is “What did I do wrong”? and, with that other person not speaking to you, it’s impossible to have an answer.

Too many relationships end with no closure, leaving at least one person eternally wondering what could have been and where things went so tragically wrong.  When we don’t get closure, we tend not to be able to move on fully to the next phase in our lives because we’re still stuck in the past of what was.  In order to obtain some fragment of closure, you have to deal with the situation, go thru all of the emotions and pain that loss has brought to you in order to heal from it.  The hardest part of a relationship ending is accepting it’s actually over.  It is a loss and needs to be grieved as such.  Closure is even harder to obtain when the end comes out of nowhere, when you think things are great and looking forward to a future with someone and then, POOF, they’re gone and you’re left high, dry and alone with your all-consuming thoughts.

We all struggle with our own demons created from past pains and disappointments but, unfortunately, most of us don’t even realize how not dealing with and healing from those experiences continue to affect each and every relationship we encounter as we continue to mature.  If you were always told you were fat growing up, you continue to believe that thru adulthood and try every diet on the market to be an unrealistic size or shape, never embracing and accepting your womanly curves.  Having to fight for the approval of your parents and those you looked up to probably made you feel you were never good enough and you carry that self-doubt within yourself your entire life.  It’s hard to heal from something you aren’t even aware is holding you back.  Your father may have never been a permanent fixture in your life but the resentment will become one if not dealt with.  A way I have learned to heal from my past is to have a grown up conversation with those who affected the image I had of myself due to who they told me I was or wasn’t.  There will be people in your life who will never own anything they did to you, please understand that is their cross to bear, not yours, don’t let it hold you back from healing.  At that point, all you can do is say “I forgive you”, mean it, pray for them and move on with your life.  There will also be people you aren’t able to physically speak with because either they have passed or you have no way in getting in contact with them and this will be when you have to rely on your faith and talk to GOD and forgive them.

The doubts within you create your demons.  Remember when you were head over heels in love with someone and nothing you did was good enough for them?  You did everything right and they still opted to leave you for someone less stellar than you. You need to deal with the reality they had demons of their own which didn’t allow them to love you as you deserved, they couldn’t handle you and all of your fabulousness, it was too much for them to bear. This wasn’t about you but you feel like it was and carry that self-doubt forward, settling for less than you deserve just to have someone who loves you.  You find a mate who absolutely adores you but have no true love connection with them, you won’t let yourself get that close again for fear of having your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped into the ground.  This situation isn’t fair to either of you, he loves and would do anything for you and you let him without reciprocating his feelings.  Remember how it felt when your Boo did that to you?  Babygirl, deal with and heal from that previous pain so you don’t damage another human being with the understanding you would never want anyone else to experience the pain you did.

In this day and age, life moves so fast, genuine communication is rare and people would rather just be a jerk until you get tired of dealing with them and the relationship just dies.  This is an example of why so many of us are damaged, shortcomings and feelings are no longer expressed, they’re just logs being thrown onto the already growing fire destined to destroy each of you.  If you aren’t happy about his actions, what is so hard about telling him how you feel? We’re all afraid to say anything that isn’t about good feelings out of fear they’ll leave us.  Well, if he leaves, he wasn’t meant to be with you, your Mr. Right is out there waiting but he won’t show up until you are whole. In order to gain your completeness, you have to deal with the bricks of the past, not just sweep them to the side like it never happened because they’re actually building a wall you can’t see until it’s too late.

When you don’t have closure and see that person years later, you’re taken back to the last moment you were together, regardless of the time span.  This is damaging because you thought you had moved on and past him until you see him and you’re now confused about whether or not you made the right choice.  That pain will consume your thoughts and actions, all because it was not a mutually agreed upon discussion about why it wouldn’t work.

Unfortunately, we live in a highly technological society, everything is communicated electronically.  This is a problem because tone and sincerity cannot be detected via an email or text. When you have a serious discussion with someone you love, the minimum you should do is pick up the phone so you can speak to them, let them hear your tone and have a conversation about your feelings.  You don’t know what mood they’re in when they read your text, they could have just had an argument or deep discussion with someone else and will read your message with that same hostile tone even though you were crying when you poured your heart out.

Take some much needed “me time” and review your life and past relationships.  We all have a seed that was planted years ago which is the root of the tree that is our life.  That one little seed was nurtured and watered by less than perfect, and sometimes damaging, relationships you would experience as you matured.  That one little seed that was never dealt with is now a well rooted tree in your soul.  Go back and find that seed so you can deal with it and heal from the hurt and damage you’ve endured for way too long.  If you are in a relationship that isn’t working out, talk to them and express how you feel, have a grown up conversation, don’t finger point or nitpick, just communicate your feelings, be vulnerable.  Get the closure you need and deserve so you aren’t damaging yourself or that other person.  You should always have a sense of clarity at the end and know why it began and is now ending. You need that in your life to move cleanly into your next phase. We all deserve closure, don’t deny yourself or another human being that right.

From the moment we are born, we are handled by someone else.  As we grow and mature, we continue to be handled and told how to act, what to and not to do, what to wear, where to go, and who to date and like. We never think much of it because it is coming from those who love us and have our best interest at heart, therefore, we follow along, abiding by what is told to us.  I know the word “handled” is usually used when it comes to celebrities because they always have someone else handling their actions for the betterment of their image and career but it also applies to everyday people just like you and me on a daily basis. Have you picked up a magazine or watched TV lately?  They’re flooded with images of what we should look like, eat and how to act on a daily basis.  That is a form of handling as well because it’s telling you to lose weight or wear a certain type of clothing to be accepted by others.

We all need guidance throughout our lives and those who are genuine and truly care will provide us with it.  There is a difference between guiding someone and handling them.  When you guide someone, you take the time to get to know them, their likes and dislikes and help them improve upon them.  When you handle someone, you couldn’t care less about what they do or don’t like, you tell them what to and not to do, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be for them.  If someone is comfortable wearing not so revealing clothes, don’t put them in an outfit that makes them look like they should be standing on the corner asking men if they like to party.  You may be comfortable showing all of your assets at all times but it can make others feel very self-conscious and exposed.  Everyone has their own comfort level and it doesn’t matter if it exceeds or pales in comparison to yours, it’s who they are, let them be themselves.

We’ve all had that one friend who believes we should dress this way, do our hair and make-up as they see fit, even if it isn’t who or how we want to portray ourselves.  We abide by their ‘suggestions’ because we feel they are only saying and doing what’s best for us, they wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care about us, right? Eh, not so much, we are their project.  We want acceptance so much we change for them even if it’s not comfortable for us.  When you are not free to be and do what feels most comfortable to and for you, you’re being stifled and judged for who you truly are, that’s being ‘handled’.  You become a shell of someone you may not even recognize but never speak up because they want and know what’s best for you, right? WRONG!

This handling didn’t start with friends or a job, it started with our parents.  No, you can’t blame them, they did what they felt was best for you because you literally didn’t know any different.  From the moment you take your first breath, you are told what religion and race you are, what to do, how to act, etc. and if you act differently than they believe you should, you get in trouble and chastised.  It’s sad, really, when you can’t be on the outside who you actually know you are on the inside for fear of being punished or not accepted.  We bend and contort our personalities to conform to the image others have of who they want to be around.  The reality is, the ones who don’t let you be who you truly are at your core aren’t your friends. How can they be your friend if they don’t accept and constantly try to change who you truly are?  When we don’t receive that acceptance, we look in the mirror and believe it’s something wrong with us, wondering why they don’t like us and do what we feel we need to in order to be liked.   Sweetie, there’s nothing wrong with you at all, it usually the insecurities within those around you where they don’t feel complete unless they’re controlling someone else’s actions.

Marriage is another relationship in which we are handled.  You may despise your in laws but act a certain way to keep the peace within your own household.  If you speak out of turn or tell someone how you truly feel, it’s not accepted because that is not who they feel is right for their son.  The reality here is you married, plan to raise a family and build a life with him, not his family.  Do you have to play nice every now and then? You sure do but you don’t have to be stifled and accept disrespect from those who live in glass houses.  No one walking this earth is perfect and no amount of bending to the whims of another will make you perfect, we’re all flawed but it’s easier to point out another’s flaws than to look in the mirror and recognize our own.

You were not put here to be who anyone else tells you to be, you are a child and creation of GOD and HE doesn’t make mistakes.  Be true to yourself, do what you like and feel is best for you and the people who share the same mindset as you will find you.  If you were raised as one religion but don’t feel it applies to who and how you are today, it’s okay to explore other religions to find one that fits.  Even if you don’t find one that fits and choose to stick with your own religion, you haven’t lost anything, in fact, you’ve gained knowledge of other religious practices. If you’ve never worn make-up and connect with those who do, continue to let your natural beauty shine.  If you like to go out, drink and have a good time but associate with those who just sit there and look pretty, associate with more like-minded people. You’ve been through a lot in your life, we all have, take the time to get to know who you truly are and embrace her, she’s been waiting for you, she’s been held down and suppressed for way too long.  Never dim your shine to appease anyone else, if they can’t love and accept you at 100%, they don’t deserve you.

 

How many times have we heard “My hubby did this or that” or “Look at my wifey doing her thing” and know the 2 are not married?  I don’t discredit anyone’s relationship but I do take marriage very seriously.  Marriage is a sacred vow between 2 people who love and respect each other and commit to spend the rest of their lives together.  It’s so crazy to know someone who has taken the last name of a man who beat the begeezus out of her, is locked up for other reasons, and claims him as her husband.  To be someone’s spouse is an honor not just a title.  This honor is not bestowed upon many……………..unless you live in Hollywood!  LOL

Living with someone and talking about marriage doesn’t make you married, it doesn’t even make you engaged, just makes you living together or, as my grandparents would say, shacking up.  I know people who aren’t even living together claiming each other as their husband/wife.  Until he speaks to your parent(s) and ask for your hand in marriage and gives you a ring, you are merely just a girlfriend, nothing more.  We have to stop settling for someone calling us their wifey with no intentions of actually making us their wife.

When you are married, you are in it together for the long haul.  Now, I’m not saying it always works out, sometimes it doesn’t, it’s not an easy journey. Being married will be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life because it takes work to make it work.  The work does not stop at the altar once you say “I Do”, that’s actually when it begins.   It’s hard enough trying to make things work alone and now, being married, you have to make it work with another person factored in to every decision you make. There’s no more spending frivolously because that now affects your household finances.  No more just up and going out and coming home when you feel like it because there is another person involved in that decision as well.  You don’t stop dating your spouse after you say “I Do”, you have to continue to court them just as you want them to do for you.

Dating someone for an extended period of time does not make you a wife, you’re still just a girlfriend.  This man may do everything for you, may take care of you and your children from a previous relationship, gets along with your family and friends, and takes you around his family and friends calling you his “lady” but at the end of the day, you are still just a girlfriend.  If he is doing so much and says you are his everything, why do you not have a ring on your finger?  Why has there not been a commitment to you and this relationship?   If you both have agreed you don’t want to be married, that’s on you but don’t claim this man as your husband and don’t let him claim you as his wife because you both made the decision not to be married and own the titles.

Loving someone with your all doesn’t make you a wife, it makes you a loving girlfriend.  There are many people who believe until they say “I Do”, they are still single and can, pretty much, do what they want because they are not married.  We’ve all been guilty of giving a man husband privileges without actually being a wife.  We feel and do so believing if we show him how good we are, he’ll see it and make us his wife.  Sorry, Babes, it doesn’t work that way.   If he is already getting everything a wife has to offer from you without having to commit fully to you, why would he marry you? Loving and doing everything for someone else is not going to make them marry you, they have to be ready and won’t do so until they are.  It doesn’t matter if you wash his stinky draws, take care of his momma and family, are able to financially support the both of you, can cook like a high paid chef, sex him like no other ever has, none of this will make a man commit to you unless he’s ready.

There are some (many) privileges you should save for your husband and only for him because he’s earned the right to them.  A boyfriend has done nothing more than earned the right to date you.  A boyfriend hasn’t earned the right to have you submitting to him and catering to his every whim, you are only supposed to submit to your husband.  Yes, I know that is a touchy word for most women these days but it is a necessary one to learn to understand and embrace.  A boyfriend has not earned the privilege of you putting him before your children, he hasn’t even earned the right to be put before you and your wants/needs.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where marriage is no longer appreciated or respected because it’s easier to get divorced than to actually put in the work to stay married.  Spouses are aware of the side pieces and accept it because “he/she comes home to me”.  Ummmm………..NO! Just because someone may be taking care of the household financially doesn’t give them the right to stray and carry on countless affairs with other people.   We need to get back to loving and respecting ourselves again so we don’t settle for less than we truly deserve.  There may be a good man shortage but that is no excuse to share yours with anyone else.  You are far more worthy and deserve fidelity from the one you love.

Talking about marriage means nothing if you are not engaged and planning a wedding or a ceremony to exchange vows, it’s still just talk.  Talking about marriage with no true intent on getting married is like talking about going to a club or event, that’s how general the talk is.  Marriage is not general, it’s serious. Marriage is a vow that you take before GOD, your family and friends to be committed to this person for the rest of your life.  Yes, I know there are many that believe marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper and those are the same ones willing to walk out on it over something so small as leaving the cap off the toothpaste 1 too many times.  Marriage is about compromise with and acceptance of the person you have chosen to spend your life with.  When you are married, you become one with your spouse, it is you and them against the world, never you against them.

There will be times in a marriage when it gets very hard, so hard you’re ready to throw in the towel but you have to remember why you are married in the first place.  Marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100, you give your all to this other person as they do you.  Your spouse should be your best friend, the one you share everything with, all the good, bad and ugly, you are sharing your life and inner most feelings and secrets, no one should know you better than your spouse.  Being married doesn’t mean you can stop fronting or trying, if you were someone else to get married, it’ll never work because representatives get tired and fade out, revealing the true you.  Being married means you are and have someone there to talk to, be silly with, confide in, is your best friend, partner in all aspects of life, to grow and build with.  There is no walking out and giving up because it’s a little difficult today.  If you are not ready to fully commit to another person, please remain a girlfriend and label yourself as such.

Marriage is GOD’S ideal, it is why we were created.  We were not created to share ourselves with multiple people, giving so much of ourselves we have nothing left over for HIM or ourselves.  We were not created to be someone’s eternal girlfriend. I love the idea of marriage, of sharing my life with my partner, growing and building a life together with that one person I vowed to commit and fully open myself to for the rest of my life.  While I may no longer be married, I was a wife and took my position very seriously, it just didn’t work.  I am not bitter or angry, in fact, the wasband and I are very good friends and have a wonderful co-parenting relationship.  The fact my marriage didn’t work hasn’t soured me on the possibility and hopes of, one day, being married again.  It’s such a strong commitment and wonderful encounter, I believe everyone should have the opportunity to experience it at least once in their lives.