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Many don’t realize how prevalent domestic violence is in today’s society, do you know it happens to 1 and 3 women? This means you either know someone who has suffered, is currently suffering or you are the sufferer or survivor. This is a sad and staggering reality. What’s even worse is many suffer in silence, blaming themselves for the actions of someone who is struggling with their own demons and insecurities. The fact that too many women are losing their lives at the hands of someone they loved and trusted is becoming more and more frequent lately, it’s getting out of hand! You feel you can’t even move on with your life because someone wants you and only you and if they can’t have you, they believe no one should. Your sanity and happiness is not their concern, you being with them or alone and miserable is all they care about!

Most believe an abuser to be a thug or a ‘bad boy’, nothing can be further from the truth. The guy who grew up with a privileged life could be the same person who is abusing his wife behind closed doors every single day. What many fail to realize is you don’t have to come from a broken home to be an abuser or abused. Even the person who watched their parents have a loving, successful, happy marriage has the potential to lay hands or spew insulting words at their mate. There is no poster child for what the face of domestic violence looks like, from the abuser to the abused, everyone has suffered some form of it at some point in their life. You may have watched your parents argue and possibly fight or you were (or are currently) in an abusive relationship.  Abusive relationships aren’t just between men and women either, 2 women involved in a relationship can be abused as well.  Once you understand that all abuse isn’t physical, you’ll understand how prominent it is in your life and others.

So many of us don’t even realize we are victims of abuse in a relationship because we believe that if they’re not putting their hands on us, there is no abuse, right?  The constant put downs, nitpicking and belittling, over small, insignificant things isn’t seen as abuse because you’ve been convinced by this person that they only have your best interest at heart and only want you to be the best you possible. If the only way they know how to, supposedly, make you better is by breaking you, they don’t want what’s best for you, they want to control you. You will find yourself putting distance between you and close friends and family at his urging by stating they don’t know the real you or want to see you happy, only he does. You make these sacrifices for what you believe is pure, genuine love but it’s not, anyone who loves you unconditionally loves and accepts you as you are, not who they think they want you to be. Mental and verbal abuse leave emotional scarring no one else can see or imagine unless they’ve been in your shoes.

Having all of your flaws pointed out, you feel exposed and a sense of shame that you lived your life being such a messed up person for so long and lean on the one person who had the courage to point them out in order for you to ‘fix’ them.  The person you love unconditionally has conditions on how they love and accept you, when you don’t meet their idea of perfection, they do what they can to break and mold you into what they want, not who you are. You find yourself re-evaluating every relationship in your life and only seeing your negative actions, blaming yourself for every disagreement even if you were right.  Look at you, now you are breaking and abusing yourself, crying alone because now you have no one to lean on outside of him.

Verbal and emotional abuse has affects so damaging they could be lifelong, affecting every relationship moving forward in life even if you break free of and leave your abuser. When you meet new people, you tend to be withdrawn and shy because you’ve been conditioned to not have an opinion, your opinion is wrong, your words don’t matter or, even worse, you don’t matter.  You’ll find yourself second guessing every action you make because you now believe who you were was never good enough and don’t want to regress. You may meet a wonderful guy but find yourself snapping at him when you think you see a trait that is similar to your ex in him, you’ll even find flaws in him that are actually not there so you have a reason to end the relationship out of fear of being back in hell. You don’t trust anyone’s true intentions anymore because the last time you did, they broke you and you refuse to be broken again without fighting this time. This is not taking a stand, this is avoiding the deeper issue of your pain and anger towards someone who didn’t know how to love themselves enough to love you.

To the outside world, everything seems perfect, they’re a loving partner and you’re the perfect woman, catering to their every want and need with a smile on your face. It’s not until you get home do you get confronted with how you disrespected them by having a conversation with their uncle or male cousin and they show it violently with their hands. Physical abuse carries the heavy load of embarrassment and shame, you become quite the make-up artist because you are constantly trying to camouflage the bruises left by the person who claimed to love you. You find yourself flinching every time they make a move in your direction, always ensuring dinner is cooked perfectly, the children are quiet, and the house is spotless because anything that angers them is taken out on your face and body.  You find yourself making excuses for and defending your abuser, such as: “Their job is really stressing them out and I’m not making it easier by not cleaning the way they like” or “He really is a good man, life is just hard for him right now” or “You know how mouthy I can be” or even “But he’s such a good father and provider”.

There will be many who don’t understand why you just don’t leave, having never been in the situation, they believe it’s cut and dry, telling you they “wouldn’t take that shit” and, in a way, judge you for staying, never trying to gain an understanding of why you are there or how broken you truly are. The first thing you must do is look at the source and ask: “Are they in a successful, loving relationship”? “Have they ever experienced what you’re going thru”? Most times, the answer will be no and you’ll realize the person giving you ‘advice’ doesn’t understand.  That’s like telling someone who lost a parent that you understand what they’re going thru even tho you have both of your parents. It’s insulting because until you’ve been in those shoes, you can’t possibly really understand.  When someone comes to you about their situation, they are not looking for you to fix anything, they just need an ear or a sounding board, just someone to be there for them, not tell them to leave.  The reality is, 9 times out of 10, they know they are going back home to him because only they will know when they’ve had enough, your words and criticisms of the situation may only push her closer to him, leaving her feeling more alone than before. When you are in an abusive relationship, it feels impossible to leave because you feel like you’d be abandoning him. Yes, I said abandoning the person who is abusing you, I know it sounds crazy but it’s reality because you see potential in them, you know somewhere deep down they are a good person and if you leave, that awesome person may never come out.

Things may get so bad you eventually find the strength and courage to leave and actually get a restraining order against your abuser, thinking you are safe. Well, unfortunately, it’s been proven time and time again that a restraining order is only a piece of paper, if they want to hurt or even kill you, they will, regardless of the repercussions they will suffer for violating an order. I know of a woman who had a restraining order against her very abusive estranged husband, he couldn’t come within a certain amount of feet from her so, one morning he stood on the other side of the gate to her home with a shotgun and, as she walked out the door, shot her in her head while her child stood there in shock still holding his mother’s hand. Restraining orders also don’t work if you don’t abide by them either, letting him come over because you miss him or he wants to see his children is a violation and you’re only making a mockery of the legal system trying to protect those who are abused. If he wants to see his children, arrangements thru a mutual 3^rd party can be made, he doesn’t need to come inside your home to do so.

It takes strength and endurance to leave an abusive relationship without bitterness and hatred in your heart for your abuser, it’s necessary for your sanity and healing. When you have decided the relationship is over, communicate it with your partner, telling them you have to work on yourself and be calm about it, never blaming them, that will only enrage them and possibly make that the last conversation you ever have. Also, let your friends and family know the situation so they can be there for you in this very trying time and to make sure you are safe. It breaks my heart to know so many will be lost to and many more suffer from domestic violence, every abused person can’t be saved but I’m sure we can save some if we take the time to understand and recognize the signs we see in our loved ones, don’t let them go thru this alone.

Never judge anyone because you have no idea of what they’re going thru or their story unless they feel inclined to share it. The woman you sat next to on the train this morning? Her night could have been spent being yelled at by her husband because his socks weren’t folded exactly the same or his chicken wasn’t piping hot. Take a look at your co-worker, ever notice how she keeps to herself? That’s because she doesn’t want to cry from the pain she endures every moment of her life outside of the office. Even the person who is always so put together and poised goes home and cries tears only she and GOD know about from the pain and worthless feeling she endures yet pulls herself together every day and puts a smile on her face to mask it. She could even be the person who’s blog you’re reading… you just never know. #survivor

I am a mother of 2 beautiful, yet very different, teenage girls and I’m single due to the marriage to their father not working out. Our marriage failing never gave us the right to fail these girls as parents, we take this co-parenting thing seriously because we understand they need both of us at all times.  There are times I feel alone when dealing with the day to day struggles of their different personalities but I have a sense of relief knowing I can pick up the phone and call him and he’s present. He may not be in the house with us but he’s never stopped being their daddy. If he’s unable to come and have a sit down with them face to face, he will parent thru the phone until he is able to do so. We understand how important this facet is in their lives and molding them in to respectful, responsible young women in order to be functioning adults in the real world.

On a regular basis, the girls and I will sit down and have what I refer to as “Come to Jesus” meetings where we discuss what’s going on in their lives, what bothers them, and why their chores aren’t getting done. I believe in keeping the lines of communication open with my children at all times because if I’m not there, who do they have to turn and talk to when they have questions about things happening in their ever changing lives? Their teenage friends who know as much, or maybe less, as them? I think NOT!  Their friends may have different challenges and experiences but it doesn’t beat or compare to the experience and knowledge of us, their mother and father. Yes, I know they will come to me more often because I am a female and that’s not only okay with me, it’s my blessing and destiny.

Having my girls has made me realize I am living my mother’s life all over again and I used to question it but I’ve gained much insight, understanding and gratitude and now see it as a blessing, not a curse. Growing up, I witnessed my mother struggle with my sister and her attitude, I sat back and learned what not to do and where the line was while my sister constantly crossed and danced around it, staying in trouble. Yes, this is my life yet again, only this time I’m the parent learning how to structure and mold these girls into young women.  I’ve been labeled “Claire Huxtable”  and take it as a compliment, I’ve also had my parenting skills questioned because I enforce the rules and sternly talk to my daughters but also take the time to go back after we’ve each calmed down and, not just talk with them, but also listen to how they feel about what transpired. I’ve learned that just fussing at them solves nothing, if they feel alone and unheard they won’t gain the full understanding of what happened and needs to be done to heal the situation and themselves. I own and will apologize when I am wrong, that’s my responsibility as a person, not just a parent, I have to be that example for them.

While their bickering and fighting is nerve racking, it’s also an opportunity for me to parent and be there for them. Do I lose my temper from time to time? Hell yeah, I’m human, not perfect. When I lose my temper, it’s yet another opportunity to discuss with the girls how to properly handle yourself in a heated situation. Just recently, the girls were at each other’s throats the entire day and I, as usual, was the mediator. I took this time to share with them how to react in these situations, letting them know arguing solves absolutely nothing, it only creates hurt feelings from words that can’t be taken back, resentment and anger towards each other. Arguing is nothing more than people talking/yelling at one another, never taking the time to listen to the real reason someone is upset. When things happen, no one is 100% right nor are they 100% wrong, they both have a part in the argument/disagreement. The challenge is coming to grips with that reality and it’s even harder to do when you are a teenager.

I may be 44 years old but I didn’t truly grow up and become an actual adult until I became a mother, being blessed with them shrunk and expanded my entire world at the same time. It shrunk my world because it became all about them and their well beings, no longer about me. It expanded my world because it opened my eyes to the challenges they would encounter in the outside world and I am responsible for arming them with the necessary tools to handle those challenges and obstacles. I know they will encounter cruel people who are insecurely dealing with their own demons and issues on a regular basis and I am responsible for teaching my daughters to understand this, never letting it damage their self-esteem and make them feel as though there is something wrong with them. I’ve lived that life and refuse to have my children suffer the way I did, they deserve way more than that, they are worthy.

Everything we go thru in our lives happens for a reason, to prepare us for situations in the future. You may not see or understand it at the time but understand you had to go thru it to help someone else at a later time.  Now, how you handle and what you gain from these experiences is all on you, it’s your choice whether you let it make or break you. If you don’t learn and grow from it, how are you going to be able to be there for you child when they go thru something similar?  Are you going to let them suffer and struggle as you did or will you be vulnerable enough to share how you dealt with it when it happened to you? I found this to be my blessing because I am able to heal myself and my past while helping my daughters with their present and future. Knowing they are watching my every move and reaction has made me check myself and become a better person and parent because I am much more conscious of my wrong doings and how I’ve mishandled them in the past.

Keep in mind there needs to be a balance with this single parenting thing tho, you can’t just make everything in your life about your children but you also can’t think only of yourself either.  Maintain some semblance of individualism because you are still a healthy adult, just never let your “life” interfere with the betterment of your children’s. If you make everything about them all the time, what happens when they turn 18 and go to college or the military or even just move out? You’re stuck in the house, no friends, nothing to do, not knowing how to function because they were your purpose for 18 years. Don’t be the crazy cat or dog lady filling your house with animals just to have something fill a void that you created by holding on too tight. It’s hard to watch our babies fall and fail but it’s necessary for them to gain those life experiences, just be there for them with an open heart, listening ear and words of comfort and advice, both of you will be better because of it.

 

 

Yesterday, we celebrated Independence Day and I started thinking about the true meaning of ‘independence’ and realized it’s not merely about us as a nation, we all have, enjoy and need to create our own personal independence.  Independence is about freedom from oppression and being able to stand on our own two feet.

Believing and living a lie is a form of oppression because we aren’t free to be ourselves and do as we truly feel.  This lie could be something as simple as putting on a farce of having a lot of money when we don’t know from day to day if our lights will get cut off or whether we will have the funds to put food on the table for our families.  This is a lie many live on a regular basis. I’ve never been one to front about what I have, if I have something, it’s because I’ve saved and sacrificed to obtain it but never at the expense of my true responsibilities.  When one puts on the façade they have a materialistically extravagant lifestyle to impress others, they fail to realize those they are seeking approval and acceptance from don’t truly know them.  We let pride stand in the way of saying “Hey, I just don’t have it this week” for fear of looking like a failure or not up to certain standards.

Toxic relationships, whether they be romantic, familial, or friendship are very oppressive because we are so worried about pleasing someone else, we never take a moment to think about what makes us happy.  That friend who is never happy about anything in their life, complains all the time, or is just plain negative is an oppressor of your happiness, bringing you down with their misery.  Being a true friend, you are there for them because you want to help them feel better, see the brighter side of life and everything they have going for them because you empathize with their struggles. Being there for others, we tend to avoid boundaries out of fear of looking like a bad, uncaring friend or not being there for them, all the while neglecting our own issues. Setting boundaries is not a punishment to your friend or friendship, it’s necessary for you both to be healthy and helpful to each other.

What about that job you drag yourself to every day?  You know the one! The one that makes you dread Monday – Friday because you are so miserable from the moment you open your eyes knowing where you’re going?  Yeah, that one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you just up and quit your job calling your boss your oppressor as you storm out of the building, not a good look at all! I’m suggesting you seek a position that makes you look forward to getting up and hitting the road each day, one that makes you feel you have a purpose and are appreciated.  That position may not even be in the field you are currently working but it’s out there waiting for you to find. The next time Suzie comes over to tell you yet another adventure of her 9 cats, take that time to tighten up your resume’ and look for something new and exciting, her cat stories will be there after lunch.

You ever hear a rumor or someone else’s opinion about yourself that is not true yet you focus on it, wondering why anyone would start or even believe it to be true? Unfortunately, this is all too common and the saddest reality is those who start the rumors and share their opinion don’t truly know or care about you, they’re battling their own insecurities and it’s easier for them to try to break another person than deal with their own demons. This holds you back as well because you’re in your head, constantly worrying about your reputation and what others may think of you. People are going to have their own opinion of you no matter how good of a person you may be. While this actually has nothing to do with you, you hold on to it and it brings you down because you feel less than. To claim your independence/freedom in this scenario, all you can do is distance yourself from the negative people and continue to be yourself, never letting small minded people change your heart and actions. Rumors and negative opinions are shared and started by insecure people who feel threatened by all of your awesomeness, let them talk, knowing and having confidence in who and how wonderful you are.  There are some people who will never see the good in you and that’s fine, their closed minded opinions are not your cross to bear and will keep you from seeing all the blessings you really do have.

Loving someone with every fiber of your being and not have those feelings reciprocated as you deserve and are worthy of is one of the biggest oppressors many of us experience but fail to see because we are so blinded with being in love. To open your eyes to the reality of what’s truly going on in a romantic relationship is harder than taking the step to find a new job or distancing yourself from someone you considered a good friend but it’s necessary in order to break the chains that are holding you back.  Sometimes, all it takes is having a conversation and being vulnerable when you communicate, other times, it may be realizing you need to close that chapter of your life and move on.  Either way, you’ll regain your freedom.

Too often we don’t even realize we are our own oppressor because we only see the good in people and situations, never understanding how much it’s suffocating us and sabotaging our overall well-being. When we put everything on hold to tend to other’s needs before our own, we’re not giving ourselves the opportunity to grow as we were designed.

It’s time to claim and gain your independence from whatever is oppressing you and stunting your growth, you can’t grow if you’re being held down or back by unhealthy relationships and situations. Life is far too precious and short to sit in a cell/mindset of oppression!  You, and only you, hold the keys to your happiness and freedom. Take a deep breath, step out on faith, and use the key to open that door and step out of the cell with the intention of living and enjoying your life to the fullest! From this point on, never give anyone else the keys to your happiness, it’s your responsibility, not theirs and no one is going to work harder for it than you. Happy Independence Day!

How many times have you said something in the heat of the moment and realized later those words would’ve been better left unsaid? Had you taken a moment to think before you spoke in anger, you may still be in that relationship, had a better relationship with the mother/father of your children or still had your best friend.  It is said “Hindsight is 20/20” because it’s not perfectly clear what should or shouldn’t have been done or said until after the fact and time has been had to review the entire situation once the moment has passed and you are alone and calm.

Life isn’t a movie or a computer, you can’t go back and undo a mistake or take back hateful words, once it’s done it’s done and you have to own it, heal from it and move forward.  It’s always easy to replay the situation and realize what you should or could have said differently after the relationship lies suffering on the floor, struggling to survive the words you used as bullets against your loved one. Hindsight may be perfect vision but it also cost you a lot because it’s not until you look back do you realize how hurtful you were while you damaged another human being.

It is so easy to just respond with the first thought that crosses our minds, the challenge comes in taking the time to evaluate those words before they are spewed at someone else.  We’ve all been guilty, at one time or another, of reacting this way while in the midst of a heated conversation, never taking the time to understand the irreparable damage we are causing the other person and our relationship with them from that point forward.  Being so concerned with the other person getting the better of us, we don’t care what we say or how it comes across, just as long as it stings them as they’ve done us.  Going tit for tat is not healthy for anyone, words are like bullets, once they’ve been discharged, the damage cannot be undone nor can they be unheard.

If only people would take a moment to think about how they would be hurting the person they are spewing hateful words at during the conversation, there would fewer broken hearted and damaged people in the world.  The hardest part of reacting before thinking is losing a friendship, lover or relationship with a family member only to realize after the fact it would still be intact had it been handled differently.  You can apologize until you’re blue in the face and try to reform yourself to prove you’re sorry, the damage is done and your relationship will never be the same, if it even continues to exist beyond that heated moment.

When someone comes at you in a confrontational manner, it is your responsibility to remain conscious of the words that leave your mouth, not them, their words and actions are their cross to bear. When you respond in the same manner in which they are essentially, attacking you, you are only putting yourself between them and their Karma and all that accomplishes is hurt feelings, tears and resentment where there was once love. Think of it this way, if all you’re doing is angrily responding, when are you taking the time to actually listen to what’s being said? Most arguments and heated discussions are the product of someone who is hurting but it’s never taken into consideration because when someone tells us how we hurt them, we jump on the defense.  Pain and heartache are powerful and overwhelming emotions which make most of us uncomfortable, causing us to resort to anger since it’s the easier emotion, we feel somehow protected and vindicated when we see our words hurt them.  Essentially, that’s all we’re trying to do: make them hurt because we are hurting, this is why anger and pain appear interchangeable.

There will be times in your life when someone you care deeply about says some of the most hateful and hurtful things imagined and say “Well, I was mad” to somehow justify ripping your heart out and stomping it into the ground. It hurts so badly because we are in disbelief someone we love would actually have so little regard for our feelings by being so selfish and thinking solely of their own emotions. We are only aware of and responsible for our own transgressions, no one else’s. We don’t know if they can’t sleep at night because they have regrets of what they said or how they treated us with such disdain and little regard. Some of us are a lot more sensitive than others, I fall into this category and am very aware of and sensitive to others’ feelings.  I make it my mission to put myself in the other person’s shoes and think about how it would feel if I responded to their words in the same manner they were spewing them at me.  Am I always pleased and walk away with a smile on my face and heart after a heated discussion?  Absolutely not but I take comfort in the fact I didn’t damage another human being with my words.

While it’s not always possible and definitely not easy to hold your tongue during a heated discussion, I’ve learned how to handle hot headed people with minimal damage to myself and them.  Here are a couple of options: simply say, “I’m not doing this until we are both calmer and able to have a rational discussion as adults” and walk away or, if you’re not able to leave, just stay calm, don’t raise your voice, don’t fuel their fire.  There are people who have so much personal anger and resentment brewing within them they look for any opportunity to unload some of it onto someone else, attempting to bring them down to their level, ruining that person’s day as well.  It’s the old adage of ‘Misery loves company’.  My suggestion is to not pour gasoline on their already roaring fire with your words, instead, be the water that helps extinguish it.  You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you don’t feed into and carry their anger around with you.

When we have a moment of hindsight of our former relationships, we examine them closely and notice our part in their demise.  If a moment is taken to think about your response and how it would affect your loved ones before reacting in anger, you won’t have to look backwards, you’ll be able to look forward with a clear heart and conscience.  The next time you are in a heated discussion and hear your response in your head, take a moment to think how it would feel if someone said those words to you.  If those words wouldn’t soothe your soul, help you gain more insight or calm the situation at hand, don’t say them. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled in to their fire and down to their level, you are better than that. Damaging others with your words will only lead to you living in hindsight and trying to apologize and repair another person you purposely damaged.  You can’t undo the past, all you can do is move forward knowing what you know now from your experiences, let your foresight be your 20/20 perfect vision.

We are all individuals, having our own mindset and way of thinking. More times than not, we share our mindset with others, not to challenge or change their way of thinking or believing but simply to show them there is more than one way of looking at a situation. Having a different way of seeing a situation doesn’t mean one person is wrong and the other is right, they simply just have different perceptions on the same subject.

I’ll proudly admit and own the fact I see things differently than most because I see, feel and react with my heart while others see and act only with logic.  It is hard to share your perceptions with a closed minded person, they seem to be on the defensive at all times for fear there might actually be another way of seeing and reacting to a situation they are dead set should be one way and one way only.  Instead of exploring other options which could possibly bring them happiness and joy beyond their wildest dreams, closed minded people choose to stay trapped in their own mind of how things “should” be, which causes them to be quite miserable when things aren’t panning out as they envisioned them. “If you ever want to hear GOD laugh, tell him your plans”.

Have you ever met someone who was nowhere near what you deemed to be your ‘type’ and they ended up sweeping you off your feet before you had a chance to even blink? Or how about the one who is your type but the feelings are so strong, you get scared and do whatever you can to ruin what could potentially be the best thing to ever happen to you? I know people who have been in love with one person but felt for one reason or another it wouldn’t work so they tried everything in their power not to accept the love and ended up living in misery because they fought what GOD destined for them.  Some people will stay closed minded in matters of the heart because they are using logic and fear against the strength of love, fearing if they let it in, they will be hurt, never taking the time to comprehend there is no greater force than that of love.  Too many closed minded people try to use logic instead of accepting love with an open mind of the wonderful possibilities it has to offer. This is an instance where the mind needs to be so open, it’s willing to step back and let the heart handle those brought into our lives who makes us feel and see things as no one before or after them ever have or will.   Don’t be so willing to settle for anything less than stellar out of fear of actually being happy with the one who makes your heart skip a beat and puts a smile on your face just from seeing a picture of them.

I’ve come to learn as I get older, although I may be sheltered, I’m not closed minded about most stuff.  There are subjects I will openly admit that I will never understand, think is okay or accept, pedophilia is one of them because I’ll never be able to comprehend how an adult could touch and do inappropriate things to an innocent child. Now, with that said, if someone has a different opinion or outlook on something I’ve done or believe, I’ll gladly sit and have a discussion, expressing my view and listening to theirs as long as it’s done with respect.  When someone comes at me with a know it all, self-righteous attitude and demeanor, I shut down because I know, at that point, it’s not coming from a place of love and concern.  I believe it to be a great opportunity to be able to sit and listen to someone express their views and opinions about a subject I used to see only one way, enabling me to now have a totally different perspective, outlook and understanding.   Unfortunately, we all run across people in our lives who’ve refused to even listen to another perspective, they are closed minded about everything and refuse to budge.

Closed minded people tend to be extra sensitive about everything said to them, taking everything personally and feeling as though the world is against them, fearful their perspectives will be proven incorrect. Perspectives and opinions are like elbows and assholes, everyone has one, some may stink but it’s theirs to have.  If their view on how their life is supposed to be is challenged, they shut down, possibly get an attitude and refuse to discuss things further. Gaining a new perspective shouldn’t be perceived as a bad thing, it should be embraced and received.

Being open minded, I tend to ask a whole lot of questions which is off-putting to most because they interpret my questions as an interrogation when I’m only trying to gain clarity and understanding. There are a lot of things I haven’t done or experienced in my life and have been blessed to come across people who have and get excited just to hear and learn what they’ve been thru. An experience that relates to this is when I was growing up, the street lights meant I needed to have my butt in the house, no exceptions only punishment if I let them beat me home. My extended family lived in the city and I would spend weekends and time during the summer with them and I’ll never forget when my cousin said “Let’s go to 7-11 and get a pickle”, I stood there like my feet were rooted to the floor with a terrified look in my eyes and said “But the street lights are on”, she sucked her teeth and said “Girl, if you don’t come on”! When I crossed that threshold and walked down the street at night, I was in awe!  LOL Here I was 15 years old behaving like a 3 year old seeing something new and amazing for the first time but this was a regular experience for her.

Everyone is not going to be accepting of who you are and what you share, it won’t click with those with closed minds, you may even be judged for not fitting in to what they deem to be normal and acceptable.  If you take the time to open your mind to new ideas, experiences and perceptions, you’ll be amazed how your world opens and changes for the better.  I’m not saying to throw caution to the wind in every aspect of your life, I’m merely saying take off the dark shades and let some light in. Strike up a conversation with someone from a different nationality and learn about their culture, go to another denominational church with an open mind and heart to receive, take a chance on the love you can’t let go of, even go so far as taking a walk around the neighborhood after dark!  The world is yours for the taking, all you have to do is remove the dark shades on your mind and let some light in to experience it.

Today, we celebrate the fathers in our lives, whether they be our biological father, step father, the father of our children or even father figures, we praise, honor and celebrate them for the men they are and influences they have in our lives.  Some fathers will be honored by a big breakfast, some by a family cookout, dinner at a restaurant, showered with homemade gifts or cards and ties galore, while others are remembered, missed and honored with flowers and tears on a headstone.  Without our fathers, none of us would be here.

There are those who are not as fortunate as others to have their fathers play an active role in their lives while some have only their father as their parental guidance and support.  I am a daddy’s girl, thru and thru, my daddy was everything to me.  While this man was not perfect, he was still my hero, mentor, confidant, leader, teacher, role model, guide and, his most important role? My daddy.  My father was a kind hearted, loving man to his children and when I came of age to begin thinking of a spouse, I knew the qualities I would seek because my daddy had set the bar high and once you’ve been treated as a princess, you can’t lower your standards and settle for anything less.

There is a blaring difference between the terms father and daddy.  A father is a male who creates a life but is not active in that child’s life for whatever reason, he doesn’t visit his child, worries more about himself than that child’s wellbeing.  A daddy is the man who embraces the blessing GOD bestows upon him when he creates life, he is involved in aspects of that child’s life from the beginning and throughout their life, makes sacrifices to ensure his child has even if that means he has to go without, works in jobs he hates just to provide for his family, instills morals and values to mold that individual into being a respectable woman or gentleman, is there to chase away the Boogie Man when their child is scared yet firm enough to discipline when that child gets out of line. Any male can spend a few moments of ecstasy and fertilize an egg and become a father but it takes a strong, yet gentle, man to earn the title of Daddy.

As of late, I’ve heard females claiming this day for themselves because they have been the parent who does everything for their child and I don’t feel that is appropriate.  I know many men who are the primary parent and support for their child but never demand to be appreciated on Mother’s Day because they respect it as such, it’s our day as mothers.  Why aren’t men afforded the same respect on their day?  No one person’s effort outweighs the efforts of another.  Just like there are deadbeat fathers out here, there’s just as many deadbeat mothers but no one focuses on that.  Why are we beating our men down because our relationship didn’t work out?  There are many men who long to have contact with their children on a regular basis but are unable to due to the bitterness of a scorned woman over a failed relationship.  Ladies, your relationship with the father of your children has no true bearing on his relationship with his children, they are 2 separate entities.

Do men who do absolutely nothing for their children exist?  “I’ll take ‘Hell Yeah’ for $200, Alex”!  But that’s not all men. How do you feel when you hear a man say “all women are hoes” or “all women are gold diggers”?  I’m sure it doesn’t sit well because that is not who or how you, as an individual, are.  The same respect should be shown to men because not all of them are women beaters, abusers, abandoners, or dogs, there are actually some decent men out here who get the short end of the stick because they ARE good guys. Don’t hold all men accountable for the actions, or lack thereof, of the boys in men’s bodies.

Fathers are the pillars of the family unit and rarely shown the appreciation for all they do. Don’t wait until Father’s Day to show how much everything they do for you means, show them throughout the year their efforts aren’t going unnoticed.  When someone is shown appreciation, they work that much harder but they do it with a new fire and drive within their spirit.  When a man is appreciated for what he does, he will actually do more.  When he is not shown that appreciation, he slowly stops even trying because he feels as though he has failed with his attempts and it’s only aggravated those he loves.

Let’s build our daddies up, Ladies!  When we build them up and show our appreciation for all they do, our children will see it as well and have a new respect for their daddy.  You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with the father of your children to respect him.  Open the lines of communication so he can have a better relationship with his children, this will also show your children how mature adults should truly behave. It’s time to put on those big girl panties and show the daddies in our lives the praise and appreciation they deserve on a regular basis, not just one day a year.

Coming from someone who is no longer able to physically hug her daddy or hear his voice, take time out of your life and love the daddies in your life because GOD will need them back sooner than you realize.  Let go of the bitterness, hurt and anger and enjoy the men in your lives for you, them and your children, you all deserve that healthy relationship

Unless you married the first boy who ever spoke to you or are still friends with that first little girl you met in kindergarten, you’ve had a relationship or two end.  The ending of relationships, whether they be romantic or friendships, is hard and usually unpleasant.  Relationships end for a variety of reasons, some legit and some so petty you are still baffled to this very day wondering what on earth happened.  One day, you’re hanging out with your best friend and the next week she’s not even speaking to you.  Or, you and your Boo are sailing along wonderfully and out of the blue you get a call saying “I need some space” and he’s gone. The first question we tend to ask is “What did I do wrong”? and, with that other person not speaking to you, it’s impossible to have an answer.

Too many relationships end with no closure, leaving at least one person eternally wondering what could have been and where things went so tragically wrong.  When we don’t get closure, we tend not to be able to move on fully to the next phase in our lives because we’re still stuck in the past of what was.  In order to obtain some fragment of closure, you have to deal with the situation, go thru all of the emotions and pain that loss has brought to you in order to heal from it.  The hardest part of a relationship ending is accepting it’s actually over.  It is a loss and needs to be grieved as such.  Closure is even harder to obtain when the end comes out of nowhere, when you think things are great and looking forward to a future with someone and then, POOF, they’re gone and you’re left high, dry and alone with your all-consuming thoughts.

We all struggle with our own demons created from past pains and disappointments but, unfortunately, most of us don’t even realize how not dealing with and healing from those experiences continue to affect each and every relationship we encounter as we continue to mature.  If you were always told you were fat growing up, you continue to believe that thru adulthood and try every diet on the market to be an unrealistic size or shape, never embracing and accepting your womanly curves.  Having to fight for the approval of your parents and those you looked up to probably made you feel you were never good enough and you carry that self-doubt within yourself your entire life.  It’s hard to heal from something you aren’t even aware is holding you back.  Your father may have never been a permanent fixture in your life but the resentment will become one if not dealt with.  A way I have learned to heal from my past is to have a grown up conversation with those who affected the image I had of myself due to who they told me I was or wasn’t.  There will be people in your life who will never own anything they did to you, please understand that is their cross to bear, not yours, don’t let it hold you back from healing.  At that point, all you can do is say “I forgive you”, mean it, pray for them and move on with your life.  There will also be people you aren’t able to physically speak with because either they have passed or you have no way in getting in contact with them and this will be when you have to rely on your faith and talk to GOD and forgive them.

The doubts within you create your demons.  Remember when you were head over heels in love with someone and nothing you did was good enough for them?  You did everything right and they still opted to leave you for someone less stellar than you. You need to deal with the reality they had demons of their own which didn’t allow them to love you as you deserved, they couldn’t handle you and all of your fabulousness, it was too much for them to bear. This wasn’t about you but you feel like it was and carry that self-doubt forward, settling for less than you deserve just to have someone who loves you.  You find a mate who absolutely adores you but have no true love connection with them, you won’t let yourself get that close again for fear of having your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped into the ground.  This situation isn’t fair to either of you, he loves and would do anything for you and you let him without reciprocating his feelings.  Remember how it felt when your Boo did that to you?  Babygirl, deal with and heal from that previous pain so you don’t damage another human being with the understanding you would never want anyone else to experience the pain you did.

In this day and age, life moves so fast, genuine communication is rare and people would rather just be a jerk until you get tired of dealing with them and the relationship just dies.  This is an example of why so many of us are damaged, shortcomings and feelings are no longer expressed, they’re just logs being thrown onto the already growing fire destined to destroy each of you.  If you aren’t happy about his actions, what is so hard about telling him how you feel? We’re all afraid to say anything that isn’t about good feelings out of fear they’ll leave us.  Well, if he leaves, he wasn’t meant to be with you, your Mr. Right is out there waiting but he won’t show up until you are whole. In order to gain your completeness, you have to deal with the bricks of the past, not just sweep them to the side like it never happened because they’re actually building a wall you can’t see until it’s too late.

When you don’t have closure and see that person years later, you’re taken back to the last moment you were together, regardless of the time span.  This is damaging because you thought you had moved on and past him until you see him and you’re now confused about whether or not you made the right choice.  That pain will consume your thoughts and actions, all because it was not a mutually agreed upon discussion about why it wouldn’t work.

Unfortunately, we live in a highly technological society, everything is communicated electronically.  This is a problem because tone and sincerity cannot be detected via an email or text. When you have a serious discussion with someone you love, the minimum you should do is pick up the phone so you can speak to them, let them hear your tone and have a conversation about your feelings.  You don’t know what mood they’re in when they read your text, they could have just had an argument or deep discussion with someone else and will read your message with that same hostile tone even though you were crying when you poured your heart out.

Take some much needed “me time” and review your life and past relationships.  We all have a seed that was planted years ago which is the root of the tree that is our life.  That one little seed was nurtured and watered by less than perfect, and sometimes damaging, relationships you would experience as you matured.  That one little seed that was never dealt with is now a well rooted tree in your soul.  Go back and find that seed so you can deal with it and heal from the hurt and damage you’ve endured for way too long.  If you are in a relationship that isn’t working out, talk to them and express how you feel, have a grown up conversation, don’t finger point or nitpick, just communicate your feelings, be vulnerable.  Get the closure you need and deserve so you aren’t damaging yourself or that other person.  You should always have a sense of clarity at the end and know why it began and is now ending. You need that in your life to move cleanly into your next phase. We all deserve closure, don’t deny yourself or another human being that right.

From the moment we are born, we are handled by someone else.  As we grow and mature, we continue to be handled and told how to act, what to and not to do, what to wear, where to go, and who to date and like. We never think much of it because it is coming from those who love us and have our best interest at heart, therefore, we follow along, abiding by what is told to us.  I know the word “handled” is usually used when it comes to celebrities because they always have someone else handling their actions for the betterment of their image and career but it also applies to everyday people just like you and me on a daily basis. Have you picked up a magazine or watched TV lately?  They’re flooded with images of what we should look like, eat and how to act on a daily basis.  That is a form of handling as well because it’s telling you to lose weight or wear a certain type of clothing to be accepted by others.

We all need guidance throughout our lives and those who are genuine and truly care will provide us with it.  There is a difference between guiding someone and handling them.  When you guide someone, you take the time to get to know them, their likes and dislikes and help them improve upon them.  When you handle someone, you couldn’t care less about what they do or don’t like, you tell them what to and not to do, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be for them.  If someone is comfortable wearing not so revealing clothes, don’t put them in an outfit that makes them look like they should be standing on the corner asking men if they like to party.  You may be comfortable showing all of your assets at all times but it can make others feel very self-conscious and exposed.  Everyone has their own comfort level and it doesn’t matter if it exceeds or pales in comparison to yours, it’s who they are, let them be themselves.

We’ve all had that one friend who believes we should dress this way, do our hair and make-up as they see fit, even if it isn’t who or how we want to portray ourselves.  We abide by their ‘suggestions’ because we feel they are only saying and doing what’s best for us, they wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care about us, right? Eh, not so much, we are their project.  We want acceptance so much we change for them even if it’s not comfortable for us.  When you are not free to be and do what feels most comfortable to and for you, you’re being stifled and judged for who you truly are, that’s being ‘handled’.  You become a shell of someone you may not even recognize but never speak up because they want and know what’s best for you, right? WRONG!

This handling didn’t start with friends or a job, it started with our parents.  No, you can’t blame them, they did what they felt was best for you because you literally didn’t know any different.  From the moment you take your first breath, you are told what religion and race you are, what to do, how to act, etc. and if you act differently than they believe you should, you get in trouble and chastised.  It’s sad, really, when you can’t be on the outside who you actually know you are on the inside for fear of being punished or not accepted.  We bend and contort our personalities to conform to the image others have of who they want to be around.  The reality is, the ones who don’t let you be who you truly are at your core aren’t your friends. How can they be your friend if they don’t accept and constantly try to change who you truly are?  When we don’t receive that acceptance, we look in the mirror and believe it’s something wrong with us, wondering why they don’t like us and do what we feel we need to in order to be liked.   Sweetie, there’s nothing wrong with you at all, it usually the insecurities within those around you where they don’t feel complete unless they’re controlling someone else’s actions.

Marriage is another relationship in which we are handled.  You may despise your in laws but act a certain way to keep the peace within your own household.  If you speak out of turn or tell someone how you truly feel, it’s not accepted because that is not who they feel is right for their son.  The reality here is you married, plan to raise a family and build a life with him, not his family.  Do you have to play nice every now and then? You sure do but you don’t have to be stifled and accept disrespect from those who live in glass houses.  No one walking this earth is perfect and no amount of bending to the whims of another will make you perfect, we’re all flawed but it’s easier to point out another’s flaws than to look in the mirror and recognize our own.

You were not put here to be who anyone else tells you to be, you are a child and creation of GOD and HE doesn’t make mistakes.  Be true to yourself, do what you like and feel is best for you and the people who share the same mindset as you will find you.  If you were raised as one religion but don’t feel it applies to who and how you are today, it’s okay to explore other religions to find one that fits.  Even if you don’t find one that fits and choose to stick with your own religion, you haven’t lost anything, in fact, you’ve gained knowledge of other religious practices. If you’ve never worn make-up and connect with those who do, continue to let your natural beauty shine.  If you like to go out, drink and have a good time but associate with those who just sit there and look pretty, associate with more like-minded people. You’ve been through a lot in your life, we all have, take the time to get to know who you truly are and embrace her, she’s been waiting for you, she’s been held down and suppressed for way too long.  Never dim your shine to appease anyone else, if they can’t love and accept you at 100%, they don’t deserve you.

 

How many times have we heard “My hubby did this or that” or “Look at my wifey doing her thing” and know the 2 are not married?  I don’t discredit anyone’s relationship but I do take marriage very seriously.  Marriage is a sacred vow between 2 people who love and respect each other and commit to spend the rest of their lives together.  It’s so crazy to know someone who has taken the last name of a man who beat the begeezus out of her, is locked up for other reasons, and claims him as her husband.  To be someone’s spouse is an honor not just a title.  This honor is not bestowed upon many……………..unless you live in Hollywood!  LOL

Living with someone and talking about marriage doesn’t make you married, it doesn’t even make you engaged, just makes you living together or, as my grandparents would say, shacking up.  I know people who aren’t even living together claiming each other as their husband/wife.  Until he speaks to your parent(s) and ask for your hand in marriage and gives you a ring, you are merely just a girlfriend, nothing more.  We have to stop settling for someone calling us their wifey with no intentions of actually making us their wife.

When you are married, you are in it together for the long haul.  Now, I’m not saying it always works out, sometimes it doesn’t, it’s not an easy journey. Being married will be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life because it takes work to make it work.  The work does not stop at the altar once you say “I Do”, that’s actually when it begins.   It’s hard enough trying to make things work alone and now, being married, you have to make it work with another person factored in to every decision you make. There’s no more spending frivolously because that now affects your household finances.  No more just up and going out and coming home when you feel like it because there is another person involved in that decision as well.  You don’t stop dating your spouse after you say “I Do”, you have to continue to court them just as you want them to do for you.

Dating someone for an extended period of time does not make you a wife, you’re still just a girlfriend.  This man may do everything for you, may take care of you and your children from a previous relationship, gets along with your family and friends, and takes you around his family and friends calling you his “lady” but at the end of the day, you are still just a girlfriend.  If he is doing so much and says you are his everything, why do you not have a ring on your finger?  Why has there not been a commitment to you and this relationship?   If you both have agreed you don’t want to be married, that’s on you but don’t claim this man as your husband and don’t let him claim you as his wife because you both made the decision not to be married and own the titles.

Loving someone with your all doesn’t make you a wife, it makes you a loving girlfriend.  There are many people who believe until they say “I Do”, they are still single and can, pretty much, do what they want because they are not married.  We’ve all been guilty of giving a man husband privileges without actually being a wife.  We feel and do so believing if we show him how good we are, he’ll see it and make us his wife.  Sorry, Babes, it doesn’t work that way.   If he is already getting everything a wife has to offer from you without having to commit fully to you, why would he marry you? Loving and doing everything for someone else is not going to make them marry you, they have to be ready and won’t do so until they are.  It doesn’t matter if you wash his stinky draws, take care of his momma and family, are able to financially support the both of you, can cook like a high paid chef, sex him like no other ever has, none of this will make a man commit to you unless he’s ready.

There are some (many) privileges you should save for your husband and only for him because he’s earned the right to them.  A boyfriend has done nothing more than earned the right to date you.  A boyfriend hasn’t earned the right to have you submitting to him and catering to his every whim, you are only supposed to submit to your husband.  Yes, I know that is a touchy word for most women these days but it is a necessary one to learn to understand and embrace.  A boyfriend has not earned the privilege of you putting him before your children, he hasn’t even earned the right to be put before you and your wants/needs.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where marriage is no longer appreciated or respected because it’s easier to get divorced than to actually put in the work to stay married.  Spouses are aware of the side pieces and accept it because “he/she comes home to me”.  Ummmm………..NO! Just because someone may be taking care of the household financially doesn’t give them the right to stray and carry on countless affairs with other people.   We need to get back to loving and respecting ourselves again so we don’t settle for less than we truly deserve.  There may be a good man shortage but that is no excuse to share yours with anyone else.  You are far more worthy and deserve fidelity from the one you love.

Talking about marriage means nothing if you are not engaged and planning a wedding or a ceremony to exchange vows, it’s still just talk.  Talking about marriage with no true intent on getting married is like talking about going to a club or event, that’s how general the talk is.  Marriage is not general, it’s serious. Marriage is a vow that you take before GOD, your family and friends to be committed to this person for the rest of your life.  Yes, I know there are many that believe marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper and those are the same ones willing to walk out on it over something so small as leaving the cap off the toothpaste 1 too many times.  Marriage is about compromise with and acceptance of the person you have chosen to spend your life with.  When you are married, you become one with your spouse, it is you and them against the world, never you against them.

There will be times in a marriage when it gets very hard, so hard you’re ready to throw in the towel but you have to remember why you are married in the first place.  Marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100, you give your all to this other person as they do you.  Your spouse should be your best friend, the one you share everything with, all the good, bad and ugly, you are sharing your life and inner most feelings and secrets, no one should know you better than your spouse.  Being married doesn’t mean you can stop fronting or trying, if you were someone else to get married, it’ll never work because representatives get tired and fade out, revealing the true you.  Being married means you are and have someone there to talk to, be silly with, confide in, is your best friend, partner in all aspects of life, to grow and build with.  There is no walking out and giving up because it’s a little difficult today.  If you are not ready to fully commit to another person, please remain a girlfriend and label yourself as such.

Marriage is GOD’S ideal, it is why we were created.  We were not created to share ourselves with multiple people, giving so much of ourselves we have nothing left over for HIM or ourselves.  We were not created to be someone’s eternal girlfriend. I love the idea of marriage, of sharing my life with my partner, growing and building a life together with that one person I vowed to commit and fully open myself to for the rest of my life.  While I may no longer be married, I was a wife and took my position very seriously, it just didn’t work.  I am not bitter or angry, in fact, the wasband and I are very good friends and have a wonderful co-parenting relationship.  The fact my marriage didn’t work hasn’t soured me on the possibility and hopes of, one day, being married again.  It’s such a strong commitment and wonderful encounter, I believe everyone should have the opportunity to experience it at least once in their lives.

 

When we care about someone, we care about every aspect of their being but sometimes the “caring” comes off as judgement.  We’ve all been in a situation at least once where we didn’t believe the man dating our friend/family member deserved her.  Here’s where you have to be the grown up and simply support your loved one.  Supporting her doesn’t mean you agree with the situation, it means you love her enough to be there for her thru everything that may transpire, good or bad.

When we love someone, we want nothing but the best for them and, sometimes, force our opinions and viewpoints on their relationship.  All that does is alienate you from your friend.  When we are in what we deem is love, all we see are sparkles and rainbows, we don’t see the bad, we don’t want to nor should we be forced to.  We feel the need to tell ourselves this is going to work, he’s not perfect but it’s going to work because I love him.  At this point, we don’t need our friends telling us what we kind of already know, we’re not always ready to have the rose colored glasses snatched off.  It’s easy to stand on the outside and look in to someone else’s relationship and see the many flaws and how it could or should be different but we tend to overstep our boundaries and repeatedly tell our friend what’s wrong with her man.  That’s a big no-no because all that does is push her closer to someone who may truly mean her no good but she feels she doesn’t have your support.

When we see things wrong in someone else’s relationship, as a friend, we feel it is our responsibility to talk to them and let them know what we see and how we feel.  While this is true, it should only be done ONCE.  If you are continually pointing out the flaws of the man she loves, she will begin to see you as the enemy.  Does this man have the most amount of couth you’ve ever experienced?  Is he the most driven person?  Best dresser?  Best communicator?  The no’s to these questions aren’t what truly matter, the answer to: Does he make her happy? is the one that matters most.  Has this man done messed up things to your friend (infidelity, disrespect, etc.)?  Maybe so but she chooses to stay with him and tolerate it, nothing you say will make her leave him alone until she is absolutely ready.

Supporting your friend means being there for her when she cries over something that happened in her relationship without saying “I told you so” or “I’m glad you finally saw what I’ve been telling you all along” or “Girl, it’s about damn time”.  She doesn’t want or need to hear any of that, she is hurting and just needs a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board to vent to, and you to be a voice of reason only when asked, never before. I’ve had situations where I don’t agree with the relationship but also learned it’s not my place to speak on it unless I’m asked.  Unwarranted advice is offensive because it’s attempted to be justified by those that love us, stating “I only tell you this because I love you”.  Yeah, that’s great.  When I’ve received unwarranted advice, I get offended because it makes me feel the person dishing it out doesn’t think I’m smart enough to already know what they are speaking on.  I’m not dumb and neither are you, our eyes are open, we see what’s going on and are dealing with the situation as we see fit.  Everyone isn’t going to agree with how you handle your issues in your relationship because it’s not how they would handle it.  Relationships are like snowflakes, no two are identical.  We all handle every situation differently because we are all different.  How you handle infidelity may not be how I handle it and vice versa but that doesn’t make either of us wrong, it’s our choice.

The main way to support your friend in her relationship is to treat him kindly.  When you walk in and already have a stank eye because he’s there, everyone notices and feels your energy, especially your friend.  You don’t have to be his best friend, your job is to be her best friend and treat him as an extension of her.  If you are rude to him every chance you get, the invites will slowly come to an end because she doesn’t want to have to choose between you and her man.  Relationships are hard enough as it is, there’s no need to bring unnecessary drama to someone else’s situation.  I understand you want to protect your friend from any type of hurt and heartache but it’s not your job and, actually, not possible.  You can’t want more for someone than they want for themselves.

Her relationship is her issue and hers to deal with, not yours.  It’s not easy standing by watching someone you love go thru hell but you can’t nitpick their eyes open either.   If you are constantly speaking only on the bad, she’ll slowly begin to pull away and tell you less and less about what is truly happening.  There are a couple of reasons this is bad: #1 ~ she’ll be alone in the best and worst times of her relationship, no one to share either news with, no one to get advice from, #2 ~ she won’t have anyone to rely on but him and he could possibly begin to abuse that power over her, and #3 ~ GOD forbid it ever gets physical, you may not know until it’s too late.

My experience, and you can probably relate, has been the main one bitching and complaining about my relationship has never had a successful one.  How can someone who’s not in a relationship tell you how to handle yours?  Funny, huh? I don’t give advice to anyone because if it is followed and causes the relationship to end, my friend ends up resenting me.  I learned a long time ago to just say how I handled it when I was in a similar situation while repeating “This is how I handled it but you may want to do it differently”.

Everyone needs to go thru things in their own time and experience trials and tribulations to grow into the person they were meant to be.  Your lack of support will only hinder that growth and cause them to repeat the necessary lesson over and over again until they finally get it.  We can’t take the test and learn the lessons for anyone but ourselves.  So, the next time your friend complains about her man, just listen and be there for her.  Yes, it is hard to hear some of the things she is going thru but until she is ready, she’s going to continue to go thru it.  Grab that box of tissues and some wine and sit with her while she unloads and continue to treat him as an extension of your friend.  That’s all you can and should do for those you love.

 

From ever since I can remember, my biggest fear has been losing someone I love, sadly, that fear became a reality on May 22, 2010 when my daddy passed away.  That was the most painfully indescribable moment in my life to date.  I never thought loss could physically hurt but when an unfillable void is created, it’s real and actual pain.  I would never wish that type of pain on another person but also understand it will happen to others, it’s life and no one makes it out of life alive.  Thru losing half of my beginning, I learned how absolutely short and precious life truly is.  I also learned I hadn’t been living the life I was blessed with.

The majority of us go thru life day to day merely existing by taking care of children, spouses, bills and working. Somewhere in there, we may take a vacation here or there but then it’s back to the grind and that day to day existence.  I watched my daddy take vacations, go out and have a good time, he always had a smile on his face and love in his heart.  It wasn’t until I lost him did I realize I had rarely ever genuinely smiled, took everything personally and to heart, and just took life itself so seriously I seemed to walk around in a bad mood.  I don’t wish that existence on anyone but, unfortunately, I watch just about everyone I know exist in that manner in some form or other more often than not. We spend so much time working and worrying about providing an extravagant life for our family, we never take the time to get to know and enjoy them.  Sure you may have a high paying job which enables you to give your family a great lifestyle but what does it matter if you have no time to spend with them because you’re always working to ensure that lifestyle is maintained?  Your babies won’t be babies for very long, your parents/grandparents won’t live forever, your friends won’t always be here and neither will you, you can’t get those days back.

We are a society so concerned with, not only keeping up with the Joneses but constantly trying to surpass them which, in turn, makes us work that much harder outside of the home and away from family.  We miss many family gatherings because we are working.  I’m a simple woman, I don’t need top of the line, named brand everything to be happy.  Do I like nice things? Of course but I like laughing and being silly with my daughters more.  I enjoy spending the day with my sister just chilling at her house on the deck with a bottle or few of wine.  Spending a Friday night with my daughters watching movies we’ve seen multiple times while eating pizza and just joking around is my idea of heaven. I won’t get these days back so I take them in as often as I can.  One day, all my daughters will have are memories of me and I do what I can to make them the best I can while I can.  I want my daughters to have memories of the trips we take to the zoo and museums, just spending time together not that I was never there because I was always working to give them the latest fashions and shoes, material things don’t create lasting memories.

We always think we have time to do this or that but, unfortunately, it’s not our plan that takes the actions, it’s GOD’s plan in HIS timing, not ours.  I know I’ve said many times, “Oh, I’ll go see so & so next weekend, I just don’t feel like it today” and that next weekend never comes because I get so pre-occupied with my own things I just never make it, feeling as though I have an unlimited amount of time.  The sad reality is, when you put off going to see someone you care about, next weekend is never promised.  The knowledge that tomorrow is never promised is why I try to keep on at least decent terms with those I care about because I don’t want the last interaction I had with them to be a negative or nasty one.  To know the last time I spoke to my friend we had an argument and now they’re gone? There’s no way I can make that right, there’s no way I can say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” and that will weigh on me for the rest of my life.

Over the last several years, I’ve become a very patient and attentive listener because I rarely had one in my life and would never want someone I care about to experience the feeling of either not being heard or understood or as though their feelings didn’t matter.  I have also learned to speak up when I feel tension even if I don’t know what is wrong, I speak on it because life is too short to worry and wonder why a wall is being built between me and someone I care about.  The unfortunate aspect of this is other people would rather walk around stewing in their own anger and animosity throwing dirt on your name and character to others than to open their mouths and say “You hurt me when you………………” to enable the conversation can progress from there.  Do I understand things don’t always work out?  Yes, I do but I also believe that nothing beats a failure but a try.  If I don’t try to communicate, I’m just as guilty as the other person and a good relationship dies for a petty, sometimes unknown, reason.  I also understand sometimes things weren’t supposed to work out, sometimes it was just a lesson I needed to learn.  Maybe you needed to learn to confront people when they have wronged you or maybe you needed to learn how to communicate your feelings to finally be heard.  You won’t get the message at first but in time, it will click.  There’s no need for childish grudges, we are adults and need to begin to act as such.

I am guilty of not spending time with those I love, I can’t and won’t make excuses, I’ll just own that I don’t do it as often as I should.  While I loved my daddy with every fiber of my being, I took for granted he would always be here because heroes never die, right?  It took him getting sick for me to fully grasp the reality of how limited our time here on earth is.  I refuse to wait until someone is sick before I make the effort to spend time with them, I won’t get them back once they are gone and there are many people in my life I deem irreplaceable, as I know you do.

The one thing I know for sure is I don’t want to leave this earth with a bucket list or wondering “what if”.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not jumping out of plane or climbing Mt. Everest but I will go out and enjoy myself, no longer being the wallflower too shy to actually enjoy and experience that moment in my life.  It’s okay to act a little crazy every now and then, you’re grown.  I’ve held back far too long for fear of naysayers judging me and worrying about what everyone else thinks of me.  I’ve been so concerned with pleasing everyone else with my actions I never truly got to know myself, I didn’t even like myself but I tried to make sure everyone else was happy never realizing I deserved to be happy.  I make sure I speak up when there’s tension between myself and another person because I don’t want the “what if” looming over my head, I’m a constant thinker and will drive myself crazy with scenarios that could be so far from reality but seem real to me.  It is my responsibility as an adult to communicate as an adult and not just cease communication when I get in my feelings.  Sometimes, that communication is not going to happen immediately because the situation is heated and cooler heads need to prevail in order for it to be effective and that may take a few days.

My point in all of this is life is too short to be anything but happy.  If you had a disagreement with someone, squash it, you may never be the friends you used to be but you can leave this earth knowing you tried and the air is clear.  If you aren’t close with family anymore due to a misunderstanding or miscommunication, reach out, you never know, they may miss you more than you do them.  Take that vacation!  Buy that sexy little black dress and find somewhere to wear it!  That cute guy you’ve been drooling over from afar all this time?  Talk to him because he’s probably been checking you out too but could be too shy to say anything or be intimidated by your beauty.  While life is too short it’s also about choices and you have to choose to step out on faith to get that new job or new car.  If you step out on faith and start to enjoy and appreciate the life that HE has blessed you with, I promise you, HE’s got you every step of the way.  Don’t wait to make things right, tomorrow may not come.

My parents instilled so much in me while I was growing up, I have carried those lessons forward in my everyday life and continue to instill them in my daughters.  My daughters are nearing dating age (please pray for me), their father and I make sure they know what is and is not acceptable from a guy and to always maintain their sense of self-worth. There is no way in hell they will leave this house to the honk of a horn! They are worthy of the young man turning off the car, coming to the door, ringing the doorbell and speaking to me or their father before she is to cross that threshold.  It’s called respect of us and our daughter, she’s worthy of it.  If she whines about him possibly leaving if she doesn’t go out when he honks the horn, he’s proven he’s not worthy of dating our daughter and free to drive off alone. Another lesson I maintain? When on a date, I always have my own money in case he expects something from me for what I ordered, we all know about “that side of the menu”.  I’m worth more than a steak dinner and will pay my half and Uber it home, never will I be forced into giving him the goods for a meal.

As you mature and age, you tend not to demand as much as you should because you want a relationship so badly.  When you were in your 20s, your standards were high because you felt the dating pool was deep and full of potential prospects, giving you the option to pick and choose.  When you near your 40s, that pool becomes shallow with picked over, bitter men. I, personally, don’t believe that’s any reason to lower my standards.  Have you become less worthy because you have experience and maturity? No, you’re more worthy of those standards being met and respected because you DO have life experience and maturity.  I understand everyone was raised differently but, again, that is no reason to feel and act as though you’re not worth a man treating you with dignity and respect.

I know too many females who have lowered their standards for a man who still wasn’t worthy of them once the bar was lowered.  To be a viable candidate, a man should bring to the table everything you have to offer.  For example, if you have a job, he should have a job; if you have a car, he should have a car; he should have somewhere to lay his head at night that isn’t in his momma’s house, especially if you have your own place, etc..  I’m not saying he should have the most expensive vehicle or highest paying job but have one.  Yes, I know people fall on hard times and may be between vehicles or have to move back home with their parents, I totally get it. Understand this, if he’s fine being without a vehicle and relying on others to get from point A to B or has been home for a few years, he has no intentions of making any changes anytime soon.

I believe and expect a man should be a man in all aspects of a relationship, just as a woman should.  If it snows and I have a man, I should not be outside shoveling snow.  Now, I will go out and help where I can but I’m not going to be the main one shoveling while he chills in the house, nor will I cut the grass with my so-called man in the house watching me do so.  If I’m getting up and working every day, an effort should be made on his part to do the same.  If he has an awkward work schedule or hours have been cut back and is off during the week, he should take the initiative to do things around the house, get my oil changed, wash some clothes, mop the floor, don’t just sit around like a bump on a log or playing video games all day. I should never have to worry about taking out the trash nor should I have to ask him to do so, we both see it’s full.

As women, we tend to enable males to be less than what we truly deserve because we want that relationship to work.  We sacrifice friendships and who we used to be in order to spend more time with him, we may even stop speaking our mind out of fear he will leave.  Here’s a question for you: what’s the worst that will happen if you speak your mind and he doesn’t like it?  Or if you enjoy girls’ night every now and then?  If he doesn’t like it and leaves, will you die? Will those you love and care about die? No? Okay, it’s time to get back in touch with who truly are, have girl time, invest in me time and speak up and communicate with him, if he can’t take it, he’s not the one for you.  Never want a relationship so badly you lose sight of who and how you truly are, always remain true to self and you’ll find the one who loves and encourages you to continue to grow and be who and how you naturally are.

Sometimes we relax our morals and standards after looking at the autopsies of failed relationships and feel if we had done this, that or the other differently, maybe we would currently be in our happily ever after.  We are quick to point out where we feel we may have messed up and vow, with our next opportunity for a relationship, to not be so quick to anger or go out with our friends so much.  An important aspect of any relationship is maintaining your individuality, you can’t have a successful relationship if it’s always all about that other person.  You have to have me time, go get your nails and toes done, get your hair done, have drinks with your girls, you’re allowed and need time apart or you’ll begin to feel smothered which will turn you bitter and looking at another relationship autopsy report.

I speak from experience because I lost sight of the strong woman I was raised to be just to appease a man and his ego. Although I may have been happy for a little while, I gradually grew miserable because I wasn’t being true to myself.  I cut off all of my friends, didn’t go out, went to fewer and fewer family gatherings and didn’t speak up when something was wrong for fear I would offend him and he’d leave. I endured a lot more than I should have because I thought I was the cause of our problems and didn’t want to ruffle his feathers because I didn’t think I could make it on my own. Those who know me today can’t fathom I was ever that way but I was, I wanted that relationship to work so badly I became unrecognizable to myself and others. I became someone he didn’t respect and even lost respect for myself once I reviewed the autopsy report. I am not bitter or angry with him for how things happened because I stayed and put up with it, hoping the more I sacrificed my morals and standards, the more apt he’d be to stay.  Even though the relationship didn’t work out, I feel blessed to say we are now once again very good friends and I speak my mind and am myself because I am free to be to do so.

Ladies, never get so deep in trying to appease and relying on someone else that you lose sight of who you were created to be. Your relationship is just that: YOURS, never let anyone else’s judgments have you remain in an unhealthy, uneven relationship.  If it’s not working (and neither is he), it’s okay to speak on what you want and deserve and up to him whether or not he is willing to deliver. You are worthy of having your door opened, trash taken out, being a passenger more than you are the driver, not having to be the main one footing the bills, we all deserve that love and respect in a relationship. Your representative, you know her, she’s the one who’s been in this relationship faking it til he wakes up? Yeah, her, she won’t be able to sustain a long term relationship because your true self, standards and morals are there and will come to the surface in due time.

Welp, it’s over, he’s not going to be your forever, for one reason or another, it just didn’t work.  What’s your next move?  Your first instinct may be to “bust the windows out his car”, scratch the paint, burn his clothes on the front lawn, bad mouth him on social media or even go to his job and cuss him out in front of his peers and co-workers.  Getting locked up, having charges and a restraining order filed against you which will, in turn, cause you financial issues due to your newly acquired record, and ruining your reputation by coming out of character is not the way to start the healing process from heart break.  So, put “Hot Sauce” away, put on some comfy clothes, get some junk food, turn on Netflix, get comfy on the couch and let it out.  It’s normal and necessary to cry, Babes, you need to release that pain, it is a loss, start grieving, just don’t unpack and stay there.  The tears come from the disappointment you may feel from the fact you thought this was going to be “the one” or your “happily ever after” and now? BAM!  You’re single again.

Break ups happen, some hurt more than others because there may have been some form of cheating or abuse by someone you trusted with every essence of your being. This could be in the form of emotional or physical, both hurt and cut deeply causing damage to your self-esteem and ego, having you feeling as though you aren’t good enough.  Although we carry these scars for the rest of our lives, we always have the option of whether we will become bitter or grow and be better. #choices

Here’s my question to you: Why you mad tho?  Yes, you’re hurting, feeling betrayed, trust is broken and faith in people is shook, promises weren’t lived up to, your weaknesses were used against you, they weren’t who you thought they were.  I can relate to the feeling of wanting to throat punch them for making you cry and breaking your heart, it’s a knee jerk reaction, we want to inflict pain on those who hurt us, it’s completely normal.  Having these feelings of hate, animosity and even violence are somewhat normal in the beginning!  When you begin to carry these feelings of hate and wanting to make this person’s life miserable months and years out? That’s far from normal and causing you to carry around unnecessary negativity, pain, anger and resentment.

How can you lead a normal life and find some semblance of happiness if you are still mad a relationship didn’t work out 10 months ago? Do you think he’s affected by you calling him all types of names to your friends?  Do you think he lays awake at night feeling your pain? It doesn’t matter if he’s hurting or not, his pain is not going to take yours away, it is yours to deal with and heal from. Yes, you loved him and he hurt you. Many nights have been spent crying yourself to sleep, over analyzing what went wrong, not realizing, even if things been handled differently, it’s the past and he still wouldn’t be there.  Sorry to break it to you, no matter what you did or how things could have been done differently, they weren’t and he wasn’t the one and not meant to be your forever.  So, I’ll ask again, why you mad tho?

Too many times, people go to extremes with their hurt, which has now turned in to anger and rage, and cause damage that can’t be reversed or undone.  So, you and your child’s father didn’t work out and he has moved on, why do the children need to be affected and made to feel they have to hate that parent as well? The fact the 2 of you didn’t work out as a couple means now you work that much harder as parents and doing what’s best for the child who didn’t ask to be here. No child should be made to suffer because you’re in your feelings, the issues between 2 adults is the reason the relationship is history.  There are so many parents who want and try to be involved in their child’s life but the other parent is still hurting, angry, and bitter and uses the child as a pawn to make that other person hurt.  Who’s the one who suffers the most? Yes, the child and for what? Because your ex didn’t turn out to be the person you thought they were?  Yeah, that’s fair…………………seriously, why you mad tho?

Another, yet common, extreme reaction to a break up is sleeping with multiple people thinking it will do 1 of 3 things: help you heal faster, “To get over someone, get under someone else”, believe he will learn of it and hurt because you are sharing yourself with other guys, making him feel insignificant or have him begging you to take him back.  NEWSFLASH!  None of these will work at all.  There will be no healing if you don’t take the time to deal with the pain of the loss, it will still be there no matter how many people you’ve been with, it doesn’t go away until you’ve acknowledged it, grieved and put yourself back together better than before you even met them.  Going on dates will boost your ego temporarily because you feel desired and are getting attention from a man for a few hours on a date but when he’s not there, here come the tears of the pain you’ve tried to suppress and deny. Your heart will still hurt and yearn for your ex.

Why are you mad?  You’re mad because you didn’t get an apology from someone who hurt you or there was no closure, it just ended or because you feel foolish for believing they would change and be better for you.  Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact you will never receive that apology and move on with your life.  Staying stuck in this moment of pain and questions of “why” will only make you a miserable person, never seeing the wonderful things life, this world and other people have to offer you.

Life is about choices, every choice you make creates your Karma, good or bad.  If you choose to be bitter and destructive, that’s all you will encounter but if you choose to see the positive in all people, things and situations, your life will be abundantly rich with goodness and happy feelings.  So, put on your big girl panties and choose to learn and grow from this experience, if you don’t, you’ll stay stuck and miss out on “the one” who will be your ”happily ever after”, you deserve it, we all do!