Author: DaddiesGrl

There comes a point in time in everyone’s life when the pressures of life and expectations are too much to bear. The pressure of being perfect at all times is more than one can bear and a heavy load to carry. When that pressure gets to be too much, we retreat to the place which gives us the most comfort, our dark place.

That dark place is more familiar to some than it is to others and some seek professional help because they can no longer find joy in the simplest things in life. When you can’t find your way out of the funk or it last for more than a couple days, there’s a chance you’re experiencing mild depression. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, it happens to the strongest of people.

Depression has been such a taboo subject in families of all races and nationalities for centuries, it carries the label of shame which is why so many suffer alone and in silence. Having to deal with depression alone only makes it that much worse because you already feel bad about yourself for not being able to handle life and now you have no one to talk to about it without paying for therapy. Our loved ones care about us but, if they haven’t personally dealt with our degree of depression, they are unable to empathize and understand why you burst out in tears and retreat to your private space or seem to be snippy and in an argumentative mood. When you’re depressed, sometimes it sneaks up on you and you can’t truly figure out what’s wrong which makes it that much harder to talk about.

The hard reality is that no one is exempt from suffering from depression, it doesn’t discriminate. The people we look at who have the least also tend to be the happiest because they are appreciative for everything they have. Whereas, some of the richest people are the most miserable because no amount of material possessions fill that void which makes them feel unfulfilled with life. Depression could be spawned by the ending of a relationship or losing a job and wondering how you’ll survive from day to day or the anniversary of the death of a loved one. Your genetic makeup can also be a contributing factor, in this instance, it’s more of chemical imbalance which is triggered by certain experiences. I will own and admit I have suffered from serious bouts of depression and did so silently, without anyone close to me even knowing. Being an introvert, no one took notice or concern when I stayed to myself because that was my usual behavior.I feel like I am the poster child for therapy because I’ve had many stints over the course of my life and sitting down talking to a therapist never got me out of my funks. What I gained from therapy was an understanding of how my thoughts about things that were happening were controlling me and how to take that power back. I learned the hard way, medication is not always the answer to resolving depression, it is not a cure, it merely puts a band-aid on the problem by numbing your emotions. There was a point in my life when the meds I was on just made me emotionally numb, I was unable to smile, cry, be happy, sad or even get angry. I realized, not only did my daughters deserve much more from me, I also deserved to feel life. They deserved a mother who got joy from seeing them happy and hearing them laugh so I got off my meds to be the best mother and person I could be and haven’t looked back.

When you’re depressed, you feel hopeless and as though you are a burden on others, you get trapped in your own head of negativity and it feels as though there is no way out. This is where mental strength and determination need to come in to play, getting out of depression is an inside job, no one can get you out but you. Trust me, when you’re in those dark periods, it’s hard to get out because all you think of are the things you’ve done wrong, could have done differently or better and maybe, just maybe things would have turned out differently for you. The reality is this, there is no “UNDO” button in life, we can’t go back and change the past, all we can do is acknowledge, learn from it and move forward with the life we have been blessed with. Everything that happens in your life occurs to grow you into the strong, wonderful being HE created you to be, take a moment and celebrate.

If you’ve never suffered from true depression, it’s hard to empathize when someone close to you is going through it. I’ll share some tips on how to be there for someone who’s going thru a dark period in their lives:

• Sometimes we just need someone there while we cry, we don’t need to talk about anything, just cry. If you can’t handle seeing someone cry, please don’t offer your shoulder for their tears.
• Understand we are not looking for anyone to fix the situation or solve the problem, there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s our cross to bear.
• Please don’t give your opinion unless it is asked for. Now, I know this is hard for most of us because we feel like we can see the solution and want to share to help our loved one but it’s not always welcome.
• Just listen, sometimes all we need is a sounding board or someone to vent to who will just nod and say, “I see” “Mmm hmm, then what”? It doesn’t even matter how wrong we may have been, sometimes we just need to say it out loud to understand our actions to move past it.
• If you can’t separate your personal feelings from the situation and listen without judging, please don’t offer your time or ear. The last thing needed is being judged when we already feel lower than dirt.
• Retail therapy always helps. Drinking, not so much. Alcohol is a depressant and will only intensify the depression and make us sadder.
• Be present, when you are around them, be there with and for them in the capacity which they allow you to be. Sitting in the same room with them doesn’t count if you’re paying more attention to your phone than your loved one.

There may be other ways you’ve helped your loved one thru their darker periods and I encourage you to keep up the good work. There are so many scriptures and sayings of encouragement that we already know and all I suggest is for you to refer back to them when things seem bleak. The most important aspect I hope you gain from this is you are not alone, if you ever need an ear, sounding board or even shoulder to cry on? I’m here for you because I know what it’s like to suffer alone and wouldn’t want anyone else to go thru that. Understand you are bigger and better than whatever is intimidating, scaring or hurting you.

Take my hand, put on those hot ass shoes and let’s walk out of the darkness together. 

Well, it’s another Friday night and you’re sitting in the house, no plans and totally content with your own company. You scroll thru social media and see friends’ posts of their active social lives and remember when this was you, when you were out every free evening you had drinking and socializing, living it up. Now, here you sit on the couch, in your sweats, munching on popcorn, watching movies or reality tv and fall asleep before 10 o’clock.What’s happened to you? When did you become this hermit who only leaves the house to go to work or run errands? Where did your social life go? When’s the last time you actually went on a date or to a happy hour?

A bad relationship is usually the main culprit which causes us to retreat into our shells, shutting out the world and whatever it has to offer because it’s the people and situations within the world which caused our pain and soured us. A soured relationship could be romantic, friend or even familial. When there’s strife within any of those, the pain we feel is so deep because they’re all attached to our hearts which we try so hard to protect. Once we’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone we love, a wall begins to be erected around our heart and fear of being hurt again only solidifies that wall, making it harder for us to let anyone else in ever again.

The problem is, 9 times out of 10, we don’t even realize this wall is being built and try time and time again to carry on some semblance of healthy relationships but are unable to let anyone close to us again out of fear of losing yet another piece of our hearts and our hearts shattering completely.In speaking with a friend, he shared with me he no longer knows how to court someone, he lost interest in even trying after he lost someone close to him and he’s more content with staying in the house than risking meeting someone new. The thing is this, we all need love in our lives, not just the love from our children or families, we need that romantic love, the one that makes us feel complete. Romantic love touches places in your soul which make you feel alive and as though life is worth living, without it, we’re merely existing each day.

Now, I know some of you will say “I don’t need anybody, I love myself  and that’s all I need” and that statement is true and vital, you must love yourself in order for someone else to come in and love the real you. But putting on the facade of being happy and not needing or even wanting anyone long enough, makes you realize you’re not, you’re lonely and broken but it feels safer not to care than to try.
When you don’t take time to heal your wounds and past pains, you’re not whole or even open to fully accepting all love and life have to offer. A very good friend of mine once told me “Two half people don’t make for a whole relationship, it only makes for a f*cked up situation”. It took me a minute to comprehend what she was saying but then it clicked, if I’m damaged, I’m only able to give half of myself and when I meet someone in the same situation, how is that relationship successful? We end up spending more time fighting our own demons, blaming each other, arguing about petty things, and lacking trust in them all because of the pain someone else caused and left behind than we are connecting and loving one another. These unresolved issues will only grow deeper and deeper, building a wall between the 2 of you and eventually be the demise of what could have been a good relationship had you both taken a little more time to heal.

I will be the first to admit I want love in my life, I deserve it dammit and I know I’m not alone in my desire! We all want those good morning and good night texts which let us know we’re the first thing on their mind when their eyes open and the last thing on their mind before they close them, we want dinner and movie dates or just sitting in the house binging on junk food while watching movies or football on a Sunday afternoon snuggled with him, we want someone to go to museums/family gatherings/walks in the park with, someone to be our silly selves with, that one person whose hug puts all our broken pieces back together. We can want and desire this all day long but if we’re not doing anything to get it, what’s the point? How will you ever receive any of this by being a hermit? You’re not actually protecting yourself, you’ve just shut down and given up on any possibility of it actually happening. Wanting without action only deepens the void of love within us.

The reason so many of us are so unhappy and unfulfilled in our love lives is because we are letting fear dominate love and those 2 emotions cannot co-exist in the same space. While love is may be the stronger of the 2, fear is the easier one to give in to because if you fear something, you just won’t do it, there’s a sense of control but not with love. No matter how much you try to fight it, love is uncontrollable and many of don’t like that feeling of not being in control of every emotion and aspect of our lives. Sweetie, it’s time to loosen that grip and give in to love or just begin with giving in to the possibility of liking someone and letting them get to know you, if it doesn’t work out? It just doesn’t work out and you can move forward knowing that at least you tried. My parents always taught me that nothing beats a failure but a try, if you don’t try, you’ve already failed.

The issue with finding that love is being willing to take the risk to meet someone, to let them in to that once bright, shining, welcoming space of your undamaged heart which has now darkened from the damage it’s sustained. Here’s my question to you: What’s the worst that can happen? Say you actually get dressed in something other than lounge wear/sweats, go out one evening and see someone who’s easy on the eyes, do you dare strike up a conversation with them or do you continue to sip your drink alone, satisfied with the fact you left the house? I’ll ask again, what’s the worst that could happen if you engaged in a conversation with him? Will you die? Will anyone close to you die? No? Well, seriously, what do you have to lose? If there’s no connection and he’s a dullard, eh so what, you’re not married or committed to him, he’s someone you met at a bar and can just as quickly and easily get in your car, go home and put your sweats back on. Reality is, you have to be willing to at least try because, no matter how perfect they are? I can guarantee you this: they’re not going to come knocking on your door and sweep you off your slippered feet,no matter how cute they are.

You don’t have to come on to or engage in conversation with every attractive person you see or approaches you, all you have to do is be open to the possibility of meeting someone with the understanding it may not be a love connection the first time out. If you’re in your hermit mindset, you’re closed off and others can feel and sense it and will never approach you. Crawl out that shell and experience what the world around you has to offer, go to a comedy show or an exhibit, I promise, you’ll begin to feel your pieces coming back together and the pool of possibilities deepen. All that matters is for you to get out there and try, your Boo is waiting for you, go get ’em! 

 

I was taught growing up: if you don’t learn the lesson the first time, you are destined to repeat it until you do, this holds true for every relationship in your life. You could have a friendship with someone who doesn’t actually mean you any good but you try and try to appease them to keep some semblance of a friendship alive. This person, you believe to be your friend, really isn’t your friend and they’ve proven it time and time again with snide comments, shade thrown, gossip about you, and/or petty arguments to make you feel bad. This person is a lesson but your heart won’t let you learn it out of fear of hurting them by responding to them in the same manner or feeling like you’re judging them and ready to abandon the friend’ship’ because it’s not what you would want done to you. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them because they usually don’t even realize what they’re revealing about themselves, it’s up to you to pay attention. Have you ever been in a relationship which you knew you weren’t happy but couldn’t break free of it? Unhappiness in a relationship can stem from so very many things such as: they’ve so little trust in you they check your phone constantly, looking for something they are not truly ready to find; they’re insecure because they’ve been hurt in the past and never healed; they belittle you every chance they get; or they’re even emotionally abusive. When these issues first arise, you tend to blow it off as the need to adjust to being in a new relationship where issues tend to arise, believing it will pass once you both get to know each other’s idiosyncrasies and triggers. Well, 9 times out of 10, it doesn’t pass, it only intensifies over time, making you miserable but unable to leave because you love them and don’t want to abandon them or the relation’ship’, you feel your love can keep you both afloat on this slowly sinking ship. There will also be times when you stay in a bad relationship for the wrong reasons, whether it be for the children believing they will be eternally damaged if this person they’ve come to know is no longer around, to save face and prove others wrong, out of guilt for cheating and feeling staying is the best way to show gratitude for their forgiveness, or because you think your previous relationship failures were your fault and this time you’re going to do everything differently.

Okay, let’s start with staying for the children and why it never works! First of all, children see, feel and realize more than you could ever give them credit for. When you stay in a bad situation to give your children that 2 parent household, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons because you are not happy, there’s tension in the house and between the 2 of you and the children feel and absorb it. You’re also showing them it’s okay and the standard is to not expect to be happy, therefore, they will never seek and accept the true happiness they, and everyone else, truly deserves.

Now, the saving face part of staying comes from everyone else knowing it’s not going to work and have spoken to you about it, some have been consoling and concerned while others tell you bluntly with no cut cards. Your pride will keep you in a relationship which is not healthy for you or your partner and will damage you more than you could ever realize, it will affect every relationship you have moving forward if you don’t take the time to deal with and heal from it. You stay because you don’t want to give others the satisfaction of being right, refusing to acknowledge the problems, thinking if you focus on what’s left of the good, you can save it but you can’t, that ‘ship’ is going to sink eventually. Put your pride aside and save both of you by understanding and accepting it’s not going to work, let go of that which burns you. 

When you stay out of guilt of cheating and hurting someone, this is also never a good thing. They are hurt and will probably never get over it, no matter how many times they say “I forgive you, we’re good, let’s just move forward”, they are still wondering in the back of their mind if you kissed them like the person you cheated with or when you say you’re going somewhere is that really where you’re going. That trust, which was betrayed, will never ever be the same no matter what you do, no matter how much you communicate with them, no matter how many passwords and access to your life you give them, no matter how much time you spend with them, nothing you do will rebuild that trust to its original state, forgiveness doesn’t equal or restore trust. 

Now for the most self-destructive act of the 4 listed above: doing the 180 out of fear your past relationship failures were your fault and yours alone. I, personally, know people who have had a string of unsuccessful relationships and find someone new and believe they were the issue in the past, never seeing there were some good reasons those relationships didn’t work. When you stop being who you are, you’re not being true to you, your partner or your relationship, you’re letting your representative carry on a relationship and it’s exhausting because the real you is dying to come out and exist but you hold them at bay. When you try to change who you are, you sacrifice your morals and ethics just to appease someone else, a person who doesn’t really even know you, how is that love? How could that ever be successful? Expecting a man to be a man is not a bad thing, it’s a standard no one should ever compromise just to say they’re in a relationship. Your partner sharing your short comings with family and friends to diminish your credibility and tarnish your character is not okay, you shouldn’t accept it this time just as you wouldn’t have accepted it in the past. When we grow and mature, we do see the areas we need to change, we don’t fly off the handle so quickly, we don’t get stank attitudes with wait staff, we don’t have a bratty attitude and throw tantrums when things don’t go exactly how we planned, all that is the shit we should change and let go of, it’s called adulting. 

When you find yourself in a relationship that isn’t working, you try and communicate with your partner and truly believe in your heart your pain is heard and acknowledged and you both will be able to move forward in the relationship together. Well, the reality is this, if they are only changing the things about them that upset you for you, they won’t stick and you’ll soon be right back at square one and even more miserable because you trusted and believed they would change for the better. At some point, you’ll get to the point you’ve had enough and decide it’s over and break up. Now you’re hurting but know it was for the best but your former partner doesn’t see it that way, you’ll find that the more you get yourself together, your mate will try every ploy in the book to make you jealous enough to want them back and, eventually, you cave and are right back in a situation which is more miserable than when you left but you stay, why? This person who claims to love you is verbally abusive, calling you out of your name, making you feel lower than dirt, dating your friends to make you jealous but still you give it another shot. How’s that working out for you?   

In the beginning of a reconciled relationship, everything will be better than before because you are both so happy to once again be united, you both do everything right and are sweeter than sugar. But, alas, that newness wears off and you’re back in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you and has done no work on themselves. No relationship is perfect because no person walking this earth is, life has its ups and downs, it’s how you handle them as to what dictates your happiness or misery. It’s all about choices.

Sacrificing your morals and self-respect to be in a relationship has nothing to do with growth, it’s nothing more than settling and giving up everything you believe in just to not be alone, regardless of how miserable you may be, you’re content being in a sub-par relationship and now live a life of mediocrity. No relationship will be easy all the time but you also shouldn’t be miserable, questioned, put down, or made to feel less than more than you are happy. The choice is always yours, do you choose to be miserable in a way less than stellar, joy inducing relationship or do you choose yourself and to be happy and healthy? I don’t know about you but

 

 

I will be the first to own and admit I used to be the QUEEN of grudges, I’ve held grudges so long I forgot what I was mad at the person for in the first place. Yes, looking back, I realize I was petty and immature but am so glad to be blessed enough to see how foolish my actions were because I am not that person anymore, haven’t been her in quite some time but, unfortunately, I know some biologically grown people who are still in that mind set. I felt that if I wasn’t constantly angry with them they would think it was okay to do what they did or, ignorantly enough, they won and I refused to let anybody beat me. The reality is? They still won because I was so wrapped up in trying to make them feel bad by not speaking to them, stank eyeing them, having an attitude whenever they were around or throwing shade,I didn’t see they were moving on with their lives and accomplishing their goals. Here I was sitting here drinking poison waiting for them to die. Thank goodness for growth and maturity, huh?

The truth of the matter is, people are going to hurt you, it happens to the best of us at some point in our lives, it can’t be avoided because that pain is needed for growth. I held the grudges because I didn’t know how to forgive, I believed if I forgave someone who had mistreated me then I was condoning what they had done and they’d treat someone else in the same manner, I didn’t understand the forgiveness was for me and my well-being. I carried a lot of resentment, hostility, hurt and anger for years and was miserable because I didn’t realize it was my own doing, really had nothing to do with the other person. Once I learned about the importance of forgiveness and how to actually forgive, I sat down and wrote a list of all the people who I felt had done me wrong and what they’d done and I forgave them thru prayer, I didn’t verbalize it with the other person because it wasn’t about them at that time.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did but at the same time, you can’t hold what they did over their head for eternity, this only means you haven’t truly forgiven them. If you can genuinely forgive someone for doing you wrong, the memories of how they mistreated you will become stepping stones in your growth not blocks in future relationships and situations. Telling someone you forgive them but always using their past against them when you see them doing well isn’t truly forgiving them, those words were said merely to appease them not because you meant it. It’s going to hurt, you were betrayed and felt disrespected by someone you loved and trusted and that pain doesn’t go away with “I forgive you” because words cannot erase the pain. It’s up to you how you use the pain, do you carry it around like a 2 ton weight, never enjoying life as it was meant to be or do you take the time to heal from the pain and move forward with a smile on your face and in your heart? The way we handle the hurt inflicted on us by others is what determines who we will be and how we handle every single relationship moving forward in our lives. Forgiveness doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships because betrayal can come from a friend, sibling, cousin, or even a parent. The inability or lack of desire to forgive can turn you bitter and hinder you from being in a successful relationship with another person because you’re harboring hurt or resentment towards the person who is no longer a factor in your life, it prevents you from letting someone else in. As I’ve grown and matured, I’ve come to realize just how vital communication is between people when there is conflict. When we’ve done someone wrong, we expect to be forgiven because we said “I’m sorry”, why aren’t others as worthy?

While it may seem as though forgiving someone is hard enough, it’s even harder to do without an apology because in this instance, we feel that if they aren’t sorry, they don’t care, therefore, they’re not worthy of our forgiveness. The amount of strength it takes for someone to apologize is more than some are willing to bear because they’re not ready to admit they’ve done something wrong and all you can do is forgive them and pray they will find the strength to heal from whatever is hurting them and move on with your life.

The most crucial and meaningful relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself, that’s the one which needs the most nurturing and care and the one which receives the least amount of forgiveness. I learned about self-forgiveness a few years after I learned how to forgive others and I will tell you, for me? This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because, for so long, I blamed others for my pain never realizing the times I had been hurt by others, I was actually breaking my own heart, causing my own pain because I stayed for one reason or another. I had forgiven those who wronged me but still wasn’t truly happy, the weight was still there, I was actually quite miserable. One day, I looked in the mirror and, before I could even get out “I forgive…”, tears were streaming down my face, I had to brace myself with my hands on the counter because my knees had buckled from the release of the pain. I stood in the mirror and looked myself in the eye and apologized to myself for putting up with different situations and causing so much pain, I had to acknowledge and begin to heal before I could forgive myself.  This was not an instantaneous process, it took time to fully forgive myself for the deepest wounds.

Self-forgiveness is the hardest to give because you have to dig deep and relive some of the worst pains and heartaches you’ve ever endured but it’s the most necessary one to give. If you can’t forgive yourself for lying or cheating, how can you offer that forgiveness to someone else who does it to you? What makes you less worthy of forgiveness for your broken heart? If you don’t practice self-forgiveness, you’ll continue to settle for less than you truly deserve because you won’t feel worthy of anything more. No one walking this earth is perfect, no matter how we may try to portray ourselves, we’re all flawed and it’s okay to screw up every now and then, just don’t live in that place, never let a mistake define you.

Since I’ve learned the importance and necessity of forgiveness, I’m more easily able to forgive, mean it and move on with my life. I’ve had people confused as to why I’m not irate or seeking revenge when someone has done me wrong and no amount of explaining will help them understand how at peace I am once I’ve taken the time to evaluate the situation, forgive and move on. When someone does me wrong, it’s no longer in my character to be bitter and hate them, it takes too much energy and carrying that negativity around with me is more than I care to bear at this point in my life. If I have wronged someone, I will speak to them but have also learned you can’t have a conversation with everyone because everyone is not ready to have those discussions and that’s fine, I’ve said my peace and am able to sleep well.

Take a moment to look in the mirror and have a conversation with yourself, apologize for the times you stayed with someone who wasn’t worthy of you but never apologize for loving them. Remember, it’s okay to remember how someone hurt you but don’t live in that pain, use it to grow and be a better version of yourself. It’s okay to shed tears as you look yourself in the eye, you are feeling and seeing everything you’ve been thru and have been carrying around for way too long. Once you learn how to forgive yourself, it’ll be easier to understand and forgive those who have wronged you in one way or another.  Don’t hold on to the pain because someone didn’t say they were sorry, let it go because you’re worth more than a petty grudge and this isn’t your cross to bear, it’s theirs. “I forgive you” are nothing but words until you put the action behind them to make them work. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself, you’ll feel and live better.

Over the last few days, I’ve celebrated a couple of events in my life: I graduated from a class I’d been taking and my baby officially became a teenager! YAY!! So many exciting changes are taking place in my life as I’m sure they are in yours as well. Having completed the class and obtaining my certificate got me thinking about how I truly committed myself to this course and saw it thru to fruition, never missing a class no matter how tired, feeling blah, or hungover (yes, I went to class hungover once BUT I went, gotta give me credit for that! LOL) I was. I also looked at my daughter and realized how committed I am to being a true parent to her to ensure she is the best possible person she can be. It got me to thinking about commitment in other facets of my life and what it truly means to be committed.

I believe the level of commitment you devote to something is a choice, you tend to be more committed to that which brings you joy and is easier to deal with than a task at hand which is difficult or challenging. At the point it may become challenging, boring or unfulfilling, we sometimes slack off on the degree to which we are willing to commit ourselves to it. Starting something new is always exciting in the beginning but what happens when the novelty of newness wears off? Do you have as much drive and dedication to continue thru with the task at hand or do you commit less and less until you’re no longer doing it? This could range from a diet to a project at work to being a parent to even something as simple as painting a room in your home, none of these are always easy from beginning to end.

We all believe we are committed when we agree to move forward with something at some point in our lives but what does commitment truly mean to you? You may commit to a healthier lifestyle for various reasons, maybe your clothes are a bit more snug than you prefer or your doctor ordered it or you could have lost someone who didn’t take care of themselves.  This commitment may seem like the ideal choice for you in the beginning but what happens when you tire of having smoothies for breakfast and lunch, nothing but kale salads with 1 tbs of dressing dinner, and getting up an hour earlier to work out? Do you stay committed to that healthier lifestyle or do you slowly go back to eating fried foods and desserts? When you opt to begin a project, you agree to commit and see it thru to fruition, if you don’t see it thru to the end, why agree to commit from the start?

Commitment, to me, is more about action than words because you can speak all day/every day about how committed you are to something but if there is no action, you’ve wasted breath and time. What is the point in claiming you’re committed to something if you’re miserable and taking every opportunity to hold hostage the ears of anyone who is willing to listen while you moan, groan and complain about how horrible the situation? That’s more along the lines of insanity: repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

That gloriously exciting, life changing moment when you saw those two pink lines on that pregnancy test and opted to see your pregnancy thru to the day you welcomed that beautiful angel into this world is the day you chose to commit your life to them. Being a parent and raising your child is a commitment you must see thru to the day you die, not when they turn 18 and go to college or the military, move out or even when they become parents themselves. Your child needs you in every stage of their life not just when they can’t do for themselves as babies or toddlers but also when they are struggling with the trials and tribulations of growing up and dealing with what life throws at them. Being committed to your children means being there for them without enabling them to be dependent on you, molding them in to responsible adults, wiping their tears when life gets too hard, and giving them advice on how to handle situations when they come to you.  Committing to your child is not about getting lazy and shucking off your parental responsibilities so you can go out drinking often or taking medication which makes you sleep all day instead of spending quality time with them. This is a lifelong commitment, not just when it’s convenient for you, you’ve had enough sleep or only on your good days, being a committed parent is realizing it’s not about you or what you are going thru.

Sometimes we are so committed to living life only in the way we believe it should be, we never take time to see how flawed it truly is or the wonderful things we are missing out on because we are so focused on seeing only what and how we want it to be. This is not a healthy way to commit because you are actually missing out on what’s truly meant for you. Here’s an example: you want your life to be absolutely perfect, I mean, seriously, who doesn’t, right? You want the perfect house, the perfect yard, perfect children, perfect mate, even perfect pet, and perfect job and that’s all you focus on and commit to.  This isn’t commitment to anything because you never take the time to be involved in anything, you’re spread way too thin and end up miserable and missing out on what could have been a great life. While you’re focusing on maintaining this façade for everyone to envy, you’re not involved in your children’s lives who are failing in school or you’ve chosen a mate who doesn’t make your heart smile but is safe because you don’t have to worry about the possibility of being hurt or loving them more than they love you or you have a job that’s unfulfilling instead of following your true passion and what makes you happy. Basically, you have committed yourself to living a life of mediocrity and never experience true, genuine joy because your commitment is to obtain your idea of absolute perfection and have said the hell with happiness.

There are times in life when we over commit to one thing to avoid dealing with real issues in other areas of our lives.  Sometimes we commit to being that dedicated employee, working ridiculous hours outside of the home and away from our family to avoid dealing with real issues within the home or are a dedicated parent, devoid of a personal life to avoid dealing with romantic relationships out of the fear of possible heart break. This type of commitment isn’t healthy for anyone involved and all areas of your life will suffer because you opt not to deal with any real issues at hand, all while blaming it on your job or children. You can actually over commit yourself to your job and miss out on the special moments of your children, like their first day of school (regardless of the year, it’s still special), their first recital/basketball game/track meet/whatever, their first school dance, or even just a moment when they need you to be there for them because they are struggling with all life is throwing at them. What baffles me is the number of companies which promote a work/life balance and there are even fewer parents in the home.

Being committed to something means showing up and being present and the best you possible even when you’re tired or having a less than perfect day. Just because you go to work every day doesn’t mean you are committed to that job, it means you are committed to having a roof over your head, food on the table and providing for your family. Being committed means being willing to make self-sacrifices for what means most to us, if it means nothing to us, we tend show no true commitment by not sticking it out or giving it our best.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s all about choices, everything in your life, every circumstance and relationship is based on a choice you’ve made, no one else. I don’t know about you but I’ve chosen to commit to being happy in all areas of my life and understand that although there will be tough and sad times, there will also be many happy times filled with joy and love, I’m not willing to sacrifice any of these moments and experiences because they make me who and how I am.

 

I was recently asked what I was looking for in a partner and it actually took me a minute to get my ‘list’ together. When I was growing up, I had a mental list of my ideal man, this list included everything from his appearance, height, mannerisms, potential, even his teeth (I’m a stickler for a nice mouth/teeth), trustworthiness, and general overall characteristics. Having matured, I have become a little more lenient with my list because it’s not always reality and doesn’t fully serve who I am at this stage in my life. We have this image of our perfect mate who may not even exist in our lifetime. There are a couple of traits I will not relax on, however, and the main one is height. I have been labeled a height snob because I won’t give anyone under a certain height the time of day.  Yes, I have written about being closed minded and will own I’m closed minded on the height issue in my life, there is no wiggle room. And, yes, I know I could be missing out on the perfect person because of it but it’s a chance I am willing to take.

Thru maturing and getting to know various people, I’ve come to learn a lot about my list versus a true connection with another person.  Someone could meet every item on the list but if there’s no connection between us, it doesn’t matter.  A connection, to me, is being able to sit and have a conversation about any and everything, knowing you’re not always going to agree with each other but being open to seeing things from their perspective and being willing to learn from them. It’s also about being able to just sit with them and do absolutely nothing but you’re not bored, you’re content and enjoying yourself. When you have a connection with someone, you feel comfortable being yourself and confiding in them because they make you feel safe and accepted.

Life experiences will affect your list as well. When you started the list, you may have been single and child free and the things that matter to you now as a mother should differ from what mattered to that 20 something year old club hopper.  At this stage in life, you are looking for a partner who is capable of being a positive male role model in your child’s life. Someone who lies or you feel you can’t trust should never make the cut because, truth be told, if you can’t trust someone, you have no connection or relationship anyway, plain and simple. And for the guys? A fat ass being shown off in minimal clothing may have been cool back in the day but now, as you’ve matured, you need a woman who will take care of, cook and clean for you, someone you can take home and know she won’t twerk on your cousins and uncles at family cookouts. There comes a point in our lives when we realize we need a partner, someone we can trust to be there for us and have our back when we don’t even have our own.

You could meet someone today and feel like you’ve known them for an eternity, you just click, but on the flip side, you could know someone for decades and still not feel comfortable enough to share your innermost feelings and desires.  I am the type of person who works off of energy, if your energy is good, we’re good and the same goes for if it’s not so good.  I have been blessed with the good fortunate of being raised by my daddy, around male cousins who were quite the ladies men as well as having guys as my best friends, I feel I have a pretty good idea of a guy’s intentions when he approaches me. Now, I’m sure we’ve all heard our share of the worst pick up lines when a guy approaches us and know from that point they aren’t “Prince Charming” and have a better chance of getting cussed out than our number. I actually had a guy, confidently look me in my face and say “F*ck yo name is”? I took a moment to look behind me because I KNEW he wasn’t talking to me, he just couldn’t be! But, unfortunately, he was and I had to proceed to tell him “I know you’re not serious and if you are? My name is something you will never, in this lifetime, learn. Step aside” and went about my business.

Confidence is very sexy to me whereas arrogance is an aggravating turn off, and yes, there is a difference.  Confidence is when a man approaches me with respect and walks over with a confidence in himself never speaking of his accomplishments, money or cars. Arrogance is the type of guy who is flashy and has the mentality I should be grateful he took 2 minutes of his time to walk over and speak to me. I don’t believe you should have to speak on your accomplishments or what you have to impress anyone, having your shit together speaks for itself, confidence is silent but speaks volumes.

There have been times when I have been swept off my feet by someone who wasn’t my typical type but the connection was there, his personality and character were so on point it didn’t matter that he wasn’t physically what I thought was my type. I married someone who wasn’t my ‘type’ but he possessed characteristics that connected with me, he could make me laugh, was charming, a gentleman and I felt protected when we were together.

Now, over the years, I have added things to my list which are not acceptable to me as well. For instance, having an obsession with video games as a grown man? Yeah, that’s a no go for me. Now, there are women out there who will game right alongside with their man, I’m just not one of them. While a driven, successful man is attractive to me, a man who never has time for me because he’s always working or brags about how much money he has is not for me. A man who doesn’t really take time in his appearance isn’t my cup of tea.  I love a good smelling, clean cut man, just who and how I am. Thugs and bad boys are not for me, and I especially have no time for a dude whose pants are tighter than mine or hanging off his ass.  I was raised by a classy, charming gentleman and that’s what I seek when looking for a mate.

Everyone’s list is different but the point of all of this is, although some will deny ever having a list, we all have certain criteria when it comes to having an attraction to someone. If it’s someone who makes you happy and you feel safe and connected to them, forego your list and be happy, that’s what it’s all about right? Being happy? Exactly.  Don’t be so set in your ways, seeking that absolute perfection, you stick to a list that isn’t truly relevant for you at this stage in life because your wants, needs, desires and what matters have changed from when you were younger and will continue to change as you continue to mature and grow. Now, please don’t get it twisted, never relax your morals and standards just to say you have someone, never ever settle for less than you are worth and deserve because you will never truly be happy with yourself in that relationship. Pick your mate on the way he makes you feel internally, does he make you laugh? Does he show he cares for you with simple gestures such as Good Morning/Good Night texts? Does he take care of your car by washing it or filling the tank? Do you feel safe being yourself and not someone he thinks you should be? Is there trust and respect shared between the 2 of you? Then he’s a keeper, take a chance on happiness, you deserve it just as he deserves you.

 

We all go thru things in life, some bad, some good, some indifferent but it’s how we handle ourselves in and after every situation that makes the difference. Believe it or not, how we handle it is actually something that’s deeply rooted inside of us, not that actual situation, it stems from a ‘seed’ that was planted YEARS ago, some seeds are good but the ones that truly affect your mood, actions and behavior tend to be the not so good ones. I say this to mean, if you were made to feel unworthy in your youth/past, you’ll continue to live thru every situation with that same feeling of unworthiness and find yourself accepting less than you deserve. On the flip side, if you were praised and given kudos growing up, you’ll have a sense of worthiness for the good that happens in your life.

There were things that transpired in my youth that are affecting me in my adult life and, for the longest time, I just thought I was a terrible, unlovable person, unworthy of being treated any better. Well, the fact that I’m fabulous lets me know I am not this person I was conditioned to believe I was.  Thru soul searching and therapy, I’ve been blessed to locate my infamous seed, now I just have to deal with it so I can walk in my true destiny. I believed just learning what the seed was would be enough, never realizing I had to actually go back and deal with it and definitely couldn’t fathom how nearly impossible healing from it would feel. In order to deal with and heal from that seed, I have to deal with the tree of misery it grew to be as well as each and every branch stemming off it to move forward.  This tree had become rooted in my soul and, dealing with and healing from it is the epitome and true definition of soul searching and it’s HARD but I know it will be worth it.

Have you ever gone thru a couple of less than perfect relationships and gotten your heart broken bad enough you, to a degree, give up even trying just to avoid that possible pain yet again? Or how about have a friendship end and blame yourself, believing you are the bad person? You could also be a conformist to situations as to not ruffle feathers because you can’t handle conflict. Have you ever stayed in a relationship because you felt, even though it was destructive, your love could save someone who didn’t even realize their own issues? This list could go on and on, the point I’m trying to make is it’s not who you are, it’s who you were conditioned to be by someone who couldn’t deal with their own issues so they, inadvertently, damaged you. The person/people who did this more than likely didn’t do it intentionally, it was more of a knee jerk reaction to what they were struggling with inside themselves.

Loss of a loved one will trigger emotions and feelings so strong and deep we withdraw and lash out at those closest to us without our own realization. For the first 3 years after my father passed, I lashed out at everyone close to me near the anniversary of his death, never realizing my pain had actually turned in to anger. When we lose someone close to us, there’s a void which will never be filled the same no matter how hard someone else tries. Speaking for myself, when the anniversary of my father’s death nears, I just want to be alone so I can miss and mourn him and feel anyone who is around is intruding on his time and memory. It took me 4 years to let those closest to me know I would be to myself for about a week so I wouldn’t lash out at them and have to apologize the following week. I did and said whatever I had to just to be alone, my pain caused me to be harsh and nasty to those who just wanted to be there for me, it wasn’t right and I knew it but didn’t care, all I cared about was being left alone, feeling no one and nothing could soothe my pain. There have been those that understood me needing my space and then there were those who tried to love and be there for me thru it, while I appreciated their efforts, I still made sure I was alone. This is an example of a seed, I didn’t know it was there for over 3 years and it affected me and my relationships until I found and dealt with it the best way I knew how at the moment, I’d never lost half of my beginning before, it was new to me.

Having an absentee parent could plant the seed of feeling unworthy of love and commitment, how could it not? From your perspective, half of your beginning didn’t think enough about you to stay around or even be involved in your life, you believe you weren’t worthy of love and acceptance. This follows you as you grow up and you find yourself in situationships which have no true chance of being anything serious because you’re used to people leaving, it’s what you believe, feeling you’re worthy of having anyone stay around. And, yes, I said situationships because you haven’t experienced a true relationship, just situations masking themselves as a relationship which never have all the elements of a true relationship. When you have this seed, you are hesitant to get close to anyone out of fear they will leave and take yet another piece of your heart with them, never taking the chance on what could be the one to turn it around and have you see people do stay and love you for who you are.

We’ve all been a seed planter with someone else, each and every one of us, this shows you how unintentional this action is. When we are in pain or struggling to deal with our own demons, we hurt others who genuinely love and care about us and that plants a seed within them, having them believe they are the problem, their love isn’t enough, they don’t know how to be a good friend, or even they’re the reason for your pain and misery. They carry our hurt forward with them, growing a tree of misery within them from the seed we planted without even knowing or realizing the damage which would ensue.  The most unfortunate part of planting the seed is, even when you realize you were wrong, no amount of apologizing from you can uproot their tree, it’s something they truly have to deal with themselves, they have to find their strength and confidence and more times than not, they don’t, they go forward planting seeds in others. This is a vicious cycle we’re all spinning in.

Everyone has a seed or few which have been planted over the course of our lives and they’re affecting every aspect of our daily lives, it’s not truly who we are at our core. It is necessary to do some serious soul searching and self-evaluation and be who we truly are. One way I began dealing with my seed was by doing something I had read about Tyler Perry doing, I wrote a letter to my 5 year old self, assuring her she would be okay and wrote about things which had transpired thru the course of our life up to present day. Honey, when I tell you I didn’t realize how much I had truly been thru and endured?! It was A LOT but I found my seeds and began dealing with the roots and branches of my tree. Finding the seeds and writing about my experiences, I’ve learned a lot about the people who planted them, I don’t blame them, I actually understand them more and realize they were hurting too, I forgive and pray for them to find some sort of peace and closure to heal from their pain.

Many don’t realize how we’re blocking all the good blessings that await us on the other side of that pain, feelings of unworthiness, anger, and hurt. It’s time to walk in your destiny. Get yourself a pen and some paper (or use your computer to type it), begin that letter to your 5 year old self, use your experience and words as the shovel to uproot that tree and begin to heal. You can’t start at the branches because they are just an extension of the main issue. I have faith in you, if I can do this, anyone can. You will begin to see and understand things differently and be more conscious of, not only your seeds but, the seeds you plant in others. Your whole outlook will change for the better because you will begin planting seeds of good, helping the trees rooted in your loved ones flourish with beautiful green leaves in a field of sunshine instead of a dark, dismal, dead tree in the middle of nowhere, be the leaves on their tree not the disease which causes it to rot.

 

 

Being the mother of two beautiful teenage girls, I feel it is my responsibility to ensure they have a positive body image of themselves, never playing in to what society deems attractive. My girls don’t look like what society claims is beautiful because they are not blonde haired and blue eyed or have scarily huge butts, they are beautiful Black girls who Rock! My daughters are physically different from one another and individually beautiful inside and out and it is their father’s and my responsibility to nurture and build that confidence within them.

Every time you turn on the tv or flip a page in a magazine or are just surfing the net, you’re bombarded with images of women who appear to be absolutely perfect, having the perfect figure, her make-up and hair are always perfectly done and her facial features make her gorgeous. As adults, we know all the work that goes into making these women look flawless, we know about the airbrushing and photoshopping, the extensive exercise and eating program they are on, and the team of people it takes to get that hair and make-up perfect, we know it’s not reality or how your everyday woman looks.  Well, some of us know it’s not the reality of how and what they were born with.  There are some grown women who will scrimp and save and even forgo paying bills to save up for a cosmetic procedure, thinking it will make her more desirable or attractive. The reality? If you don’t like what you see with your eyes when you look in the mirror, it’s because you are actually seeing your character and everything that happened to you in the past.  You’re not seeing your actual reflection in that mirror, when you look at your face, you’re seeing all the criticisms of others about your appearance, those who weren’t confident enough within themselves to build you up so they broke you down. When you look at your body, you’re seeing what you lack that other women may have to get the attention of men you feel you’re not getting.

Plastic surgery is such a booming business in today’s world, so many people don’t like the way they look, never taking the time to realize and appreciate the fact GOD created them in HIS image as HE saw fit and they are perfect to HIM. Everywhere you look, women are getting butt injections or implants, they’re increasing their bust size, putting fillers in their lips and faces or getting liposuction to remove fat they are too lazy to actually do exercise to burn off. They are forever trying to change and alter their outer appearance, thinking that’s where their displeasure is stemming from. No amount of fat removal or injections in your butt and lips is going to change who you are at your core, that internal work is where you need to start. It doesn’t matter who you are or how you look, there will always be someone prettier/more handsome, ALWAYS, and that is a fact that will remain until the end of time. And, some of the most attractive people have the ugliest spirits and attitudes towards other human beings, it makes them unattractive on the outside as well.

I know a female who has gone under the knife 3 separate times, almost dying the first time, to alter her body to what she thought would make her attractive or more desirable and she still looks the exact same. She’s spent over $25k on a body she will never be happy with, no matter how much surgery she has to fix this or that. That money could have been spent for her child’s education and a vacation here or there with her child and maybe a couple alone. I’m sorry, it’s just wasteful to me to spend that much money on trying to fix the outside while never taking the time to work on the inside or even actually put in the physical work to tighten up the outside.  Her insecurities were heightened when she began seeing this guy who’s preference was light skinned females and he gained interest in her even though she was brown skinned. She went out of her way to cater to and alter her personality and put her responsibilities on the back burner so she could always be available to and for him. The reality is this, he is who he is no matter how much surgery she’s had or how available she was at any given moment, if he wanted to be faithful and committed to her, he would have chosen to do so, it’s his choice not her actions, it’s just who he is at his core and has nothing to do with how she nipped and tucked parts of her body.

Growing up and entering puberty as a female is already hard enough, your body is going thru changes, some faster than others and you’re gaining attention of all sorts. If you don’t get boobs or other curves at the same rate as your peers, you feel inadequate and it starts to affect your self-esteem, making you think you aren’t as worthy of the attention as they are getting. On the flip side, those that develop at a more rapid pace are suffering with insecurities as well because they are now getting unwarranted attention from guys who only want them for their curves, not to respect and get to know them as a person. Having personally been the less developed teen in high school, I always envied the girls with the curves, wondering why my butt wasn’t a ba-donk-a-dunk and it bred an insecurity so deep, I didn’t get comfortable with my own body until I was about 40. Even though I had those insecurities, I never thought about altering myself thru surgery, I am who and how GOD made me, never would I mess with HIS idea of perfection.

I have this bad habit of watching reality tv, it’s one of my shameful guilty pleasures, and one of my favorite shows happens to be “Botched” where people have had plastic surgery go wrong and go to these two highly skilled and accredited doctors to repair the ‘botched’ surgery. I can understand some of the surgeries being necessary, like a tummy tuck given by an ob/gyn or a breast cancer survivor getting implants and tattooed nipples/areolas to give them their confidence back. I can’t understand the women who have had multiple boob jobs wanting them even bigger or the ‘botched’ butt implants. In the latter cases, would the repairs truly have been necessary had they just left their bodies alone in the first place? I have respect for these doctors because they won’t do every surgery, they take the time to talk to the patient and understand and realize some need to seek therapy instead of larger boobs or bigger lips and will tell them “No”. The unfortunate part is the patients they tell “No” will go find another doctor who doesn’t follow the same ethical practice as the much more accredited doctors.

This need for a bigger butt and other alterations is actually costing women their lives because they go to the doctors they can afford who aren’t even licensed but give them such a low price, they can’t pass it up. Society and videos make us believe that if we don’t have a ginormous ass we’re nobodies unworthy of the finer things in life and no man will ever want us.  What a JOKE! There are women who get big ol’ booties and lil chicken legs looking like lollipops living in the hood! On the other side of the coin or torso, you have women who get unnaturally large breasts so big you can see every vein in their chest because the skin is stretched so taut around the implants, showing them off to everyone believing this is what beauty is.

I take my responsibility of raising daughters very seriously and make sure they are confident with their ever changing physiques, never calling them fat or making fun of their development, I tell them how beautiful they are on a regular basis. More importantly, I teach them how to be better people and focus on their character more than their outer appearance because I don’t want to be the parent whose child feels everything they see in the mirror is ugly.

No one is ever going to think you’re attractive if you don’t first love and accept everything about yourself first. Those stretch marks or pudge you have from having babies are what make you beautiful, you created and brought forth another human being into this world, what could be more wonderful than that? If you don’t like the amount of weight you’re carrying? Hit the gym or take a daily walk, do the work of yourself for yourself by yourself not with surgery. Embrace your flaws and imperfections, they’re what make you who you are and that’s a Queen with everything to offer!

 

 

This is it! You have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you are in love and things couldn’t be better, you’ve even been discussing marriage! YAY! Exciting isn’t it? The two of you have been ring shopping, you’ve gotten bridal books and been talking about a date and the ceremony, you have a permanent smile on your face, heart and soul. The day comes for him to get down on one knee, crack open that little box, exposing the ring of your dreams and propose to you. Does it matter if he’s gotten your parents’ blessing?

I’ve been known to be the “old fashioned” type of southern girl in a lot of aspects of my life and this is one I will forever stick to my guns on.  I still believe in being courted, to me, it is a crucial part of dating, getting to know and possibly marrying me. Courting doesn’t necessarily mean spending a lot of money to woo me, just pay attention to my likes and dislikes and proceed accordingly.  Doing things like taking me for a walk downtown on the mall after dark, surprising me with my favorite cupcake (this pleases not just me but my inner fat girl as well) if I’ve had a bad day, or even just going for a ride so we can spend time together away from everyone, simple things mean more to me than grand gestures. In the phase of courting me, he will get to know my parents and they will get to know him but only when the time is right, not before, everyone who takes me on a date hasn’t earned the privilege of meeting them. This courting phase is to enable your family to better get to know the man you are crazy about and see how he is on a regular basis, not just when he picks you up for a date or from what you tell them.

When I was proposed to, there was no question as to whether or not he had spoken to my father to get his blessing prior to getting down on that one knee, they were already thick as thieves and closer than most family members, my dad loved him as his son. My father was an integral part of my proposal, from getting the location to playing the perfect playlist to ensuring family members would be there to witness his baby getting engaged. Had they not had that bond and connection, I would have questioned whether he had gotten my father’s blessing for our union and my hand in marriage.

Yes, I know, as women, we tend to get so swept up in the immediate aspect of getting engaged, from the location to the ring to what he said when he asked, even what we were wearing, that we forget to ask “Did you ask my daddy first”?  There will be situations where the father is either no longer alive or has never been a part of your life, at this point, he should go to your mother, the head of the household, the person who raised you, this should be protocol. Yes, I know, you’re an adult, you’ve been supporting yourself for some years now, why would you need ‘permission’ to marry the person you love and loves you back, that’s all that matters, right? When he asks your parents for their blessing, he is setting the stage for a wonderful relationship between him and them. Asking for your hand in marriage is a matter of respect shown to all of you and shows your parents that he loves you enough to go thru the possible discomfort of asking for your hand. It also opens the door for your father/head of household the opportunity to have a meaningful conversation about love, family and future plans with you.

You will forever be your parents’ child and they only want what’s best for you, they want better for you than they had and do what they can to ensure you have it.  Understand this, your parents have lived more life, experienced way more than they’ll ever speak of, they can see people for who they are and their love for you lets them know if someone means you no good.  When parents have a daughter, they have already envisioned the type of man they want her to spend the rest of her life with and that vision may not always line up with who you’ve chosen but what should line up are the basics in a relationship.  They want a man who is going to take care of, protect, respect and honor you in every facet of life. They don’t want the guy who will sit on the couch watching tv while you’re outside shoveling snow, one who can’t financially support you, doesn’t support your dreams, goals and ambitions, or has no drive of his own, no parent wants that for their child because they know it only brings more stress and strain to your life and marriage.

If your parents have reservations about your mate, take the time to sit down and talk to them because they may not fully see why things are the way they are. Maybe you were shoveling the snow because his back locked up and you insisted, maybe you’re footing the bills because his hours got cut at work but he’s buying all the groceries and helping out around the house more. None of this is known until you sit down and open the lines of communication with your parents.

Many times we get so blinded by love and the image of “happily ever after”, we may not see what our parents see because we love our mate in spite of the fact they are not perfect, we see the good in them, we ‘know’ them, right? Your parents have life experience that allows them to make sure you don’t repeat their mistakes or have to struggle as they did. If they don’t immediately give their blessing, there’s a reason which needs to be discussed for everyone to gain some understanding and move forward with clear hearts and intentions.  Take the time to learn their reservations because they may love him as a person but, looking from the outside in, they can see the possible struggles the two of you may endure.

After you exchange “I Dos”, this person is not just your spouse, they are now your family and your union now joins both of your families together. How could you have a happy union if your parents have reservations and resentment towards your spouse for not getting their blessing first? This is why it is so crucial for him to have that conversation with them prior to getting on that knee to you. Believe me, no blood family is without their issues and flaws but this is what you are born into, this is your blood line.  When you agree to marry someone and make them your family, this is a choice you’ve made. No marriage is perfect either, there will be disagreements and issues that will arise and if they get to be too much, you can end the union and your spouse will no longer be your family. No matter what happens, your blood family is still your family for eternity and if there was resentment or harsh feelings, that bond may never be the same as it was prior to your marriage.

Although society seems to have gotten away from this step in relationships, that doesn’t mean you have to settle for society’s lowered standards. Getting away from these standards is one of the factors of what’s breaking down the family dynamics previous generations struggled to maintain.  Don’t get so lost in the fact you’re getting engaged that you forget you’re also promising to build a life with someone. Who knows, omitting this one step could be the reason divorce rates are so high and side pieces are now a common fixture in relationships, that key conversation with your father lays the ground work of respect for you. If he loves, honors and respects you, asking for your hand won’t be an issue, it will be something he looks forward to. Don’t settle for less, you’re worth that conversation.

Many don’t realize how prevalent domestic violence is in today’s society, do you know it happens to 1 and 3 women? This means you either know someone who has suffered, is currently suffering or you are the sufferer or survivor. This is a sad and staggering reality. What’s even worse is many suffer in silence, blaming themselves for the actions of someone who is struggling with their own demons and insecurities. The fact that too many women are losing their lives at the hands of someone they loved and trusted is becoming more and more frequent lately, it’s getting out of hand! You feel you can’t even move on with your life because someone wants you and only you and if they can’t have you, they believe no one should. Your sanity and happiness is not their concern, you being with them or alone and miserable is all they care about!

Most believe an abuser to be a thug or a ‘bad boy’, nothing can be further from the truth. The guy who grew up with a privileged life could be the same person who is abusing his wife behind closed doors every single day. What many fail to realize is you don’t have to come from a broken home to be an abuser or abused. Even the person who watched their parents have a loving, successful, happy marriage has the potential to lay hands or spew insulting words at their mate. There is no poster child for what the face of domestic violence looks like, from the abuser to the abused, everyone has suffered some form of it at some point in their life. You may have watched your parents argue and possibly fight or you were (or are currently) in an abusive relationship.  Abusive relationships aren’t just between men and women either, 2 women involved in a relationship can be abused as well.  Once you understand that all abuse isn’t physical, you’ll understand how prominent it is in your life and others.

So many of us don’t even realize we are victims of abuse in a relationship because we believe that if they’re not putting their hands on us, there is no abuse, right?  The constant put downs, nitpicking and belittling, over small, insignificant things isn’t seen as abuse because you’ve been convinced by this person that they only have your best interest at heart and only want you to be the best you possible. If the only way they know how to, supposedly, make you better is by breaking you, they don’t want what’s best for you, they want to control you. You will find yourself putting distance between you and close friends and family at his urging by stating they don’t know the real you or want to see you happy, only he does. You make these sacrifices for what you believe is pure, genuine love but it’s not, anyone who loves you unconditionally loves and accepts you as you are, not who they think they want you to be. Mental and verbal abuse leave emotional scarring no one else can see or imagine unless they’ve been in your shoes.

Having all of your flaws pointed out, you feel exposed and a sense of shame that you lived your life being such a messed up person for so long and lean on the one person who had the courage to point them out in order for you to ‘fix’ them.  The person you love unconditionally has conditions on how they love and accept you, when you don’t meet their idea of perfection, they do what they can to break and mold you into what they want, not who you are. You find yourself re-evaluating every relationship in your life and only seeing your negative actions, blaming yourself for every disagreement even if you were right.  Look at you, now you are breaking and abusing yourself, crying alone because now you have no one to lean on outside of him.

Verbal and emotional abuse has affects so damaging they could be lifelong, affecting every relationship moving forward in life even if you break free of and leave your abuser. When you meet new people, you tend to be withdrawn and shy because you’ve been conditioned to not have an opinion, your opinion is wrong, your words don’t matter or, even worse, you don’t matter.  You’ll find yourself second guessing every action you make because you now believe who you were was never good enough and don’t want to regress. You may meet a wonderful guy but find yourself snapping at him when you think you see a trait that is similar to your ex in him, you’ll even find flaws in him that are actually not there so you have a reason to end the relationship out of fear of being back in hell. You don’t trust anyone’s true intentions anymore because the last time you did, they broke you and you refuse to be broken again without fighting this time. This is not taking a stand, this is avoiding the deeper issue of your pain and anger towards someone who didn’t know how to love themselves enough to love you.

To the outside world, everything seems perfect, they’re a loving partner and you’re the perfect woman, catering to their every want and need with a smile on your face. It’s not until you get home do you get confronted with how you disrespected them by having a conversation with their uncle or male cousin and they show it violently with their hands. Physical abuse carries the heavy load of embarrassment and shame, you become quite the make-up artist because you are constantly trying to camouflage the bruises left by the person who claimed to love you. You find yourself flinching every time they make a move in your direction, always ensuring dinner is cooked perfectly, the children are quiet, and the house is spotless because anything that angers them is taken out on your face and body.  You find yourself making excuses for and defending your abuser, such as: “Their job is really stressing them out and I’m not making it easier by not cleaning the way they like” or “He really is a good man, life is just hard for him right now” or “You know how mouthy I can be” or even “But he’s such a good father and provider”.

There will be many who don’t understand why you just don’t leave, having never been in the situation, they believe it’s cut and dry, telling you they “wouldn’t take that shit” and, in a way, judge you for staying, never trying to gain an understanding of why you are there or how broken you truly are. The first thing you must do is look at the source and ask: “Are they in a successful, loving relationship”? “Have they ever experienced what you’re going thru”? Most times, the answer will be no and you’ll realize the person giving you ‘advice’ doesn’t understand.  That’s like telling someone who lost a parent that you understand what they’re going thru even tho you have both of your parents. It’s insulting because until you’ve been in those shoes, you can’t possibly really understand.  When someone comes to you about their situation, they are not looking for you to fix anything, they just need an ear or a sounding board, just someone to be there for them, not tell them to leave.  The reality is, 9 times out of 10, they know they are going back home to him because only they will know when they’ve had enough, your words and criticisms of the situation may only push her closer to him, leaving her feeling more alone than before. When you are in an abusive relationship, it feels impossible to leave because you feel like you’d be abandoning him. Yes, I said abandoning the person who is abusing you, I know it sounds crazy but it’s reality because you see potential in them, you know somewhere deep down they are a good person and if you leave, that awesome person may never come out.

Things may get so bad you eventually find the strength and courage to leave and actually get a restraining order against your abuser, thinking you are safe. Well, unfortunately, it’s been proven time and time again that a restraining order is only a piece of paper, if they want to hurt or even kill you, they will, regardless of the repercussions they will suffer for violating an order. I know of a woman who had a restraining order against her very abusive estranged husband, he couldn’t come within a certain amount of feet from her so, one morning he stood on the other side of the gate to her home with a shotgun and, as she walked out the door, shot her in her head while her child stood there in shock still holding his mother’s hand. Restraining orders also don’t work if you don’t abide by them either, letting him come over because you miss him or he wants to see his children is a violation and you’re only making a mockery of the legal system trying to protect those who are abused. If he wants to see his children, arrangements thru a mutual 3^rd party can be made, he doesn’t need to come inside your home to do so.

It takes strength and endurance to leave an abusive relationship without bitterness and hatred in your heart for your abuser, it’s necessary for your sanity and healing. When you have decided the relationship is over, communicate it with your partner, telling them you have to work on yourself and be calm about it, never blaming them, that will only enrage them and possibly make that the last conversation you ever have. Also, let your friends and family know the situation so they can be there for you in this very trying time and to make sure you are safe. It breaks my heart to know so many will be lost to and many more suffer from domestic violence, every abused person can’t be saved but I’m sure we can save some if we take the time to understand and recognize the signs we see in our loved ones, don’t let them go thru this alone.

Never judge anyone because you have no idea of what they’re going thru or their story unless they feel inclined to share it. The woman you sat next to on the train this morning? Her night could have been spent being yelled at by her husband because his socks weren’t folded exactly the same or his chicken wasn’t piping hot. Take a look at your co-worker, ever notice how she keeps to herself? That’s because she doesn’t want to cry from the pain she endures every moment of her life outside of the office. Even the person who is always so put together and poised goes home and cries tears only she and GOD know about from the pain and worthless feeling she endures yet pulls herself together every day and puts a smile on her face to mask it. She could even be the person who’s blog you’re reading… you just never know. #survivor

I am a mother of 2 beautiful, yet very different, teenage girls and I’m single due to the marriage to their father not working out. Our marriage failing never gave us the right to fail these girls as parents, we take this co-parenting thing seriously because we understand they need both of us at all times.  There are times I feel alone when dealing with the day to day struggles of their different personalities but I have a sense of relief knowing I can pick up the phone and call him and he’s present. He may not be in the house with us but he’s never stopped being their daddy. If he’s unable to come and have a sit down with them face to face, he will parent thru the phone until he is able to do so. We understand how important this facet is in their lives and molding them in to respectful, responsible young women in order to be functioning adults in the real world.

On a regular basis, the girls and I will sit down and have what I refer to as “Come to Jesus” meetings where we discuss what’s going on in their lives, what bothers them, and why their chores aren’t getting done. I believe in keeping the lines of communication open with my children at all times because if I’m not there, who do they have to turn and talk to when they have questions about things happening in their ever changing lives? Their teenage friends who know as much, or maybe less, as them? I think NOT!  Their friends may have different challenges and experiences but it doesn’t beat or compare to the experience and knowledge of us, their mother and father. Yes, I know they will come to me more often because I am a female and that’s not only okay with me, it’s my blessing and destiny.

Having my girls has made me realize I am living my mother’s life all over again and I used to question it but I’ve gained much insight, understanding and gratitude and now see it as a blessing, not a curse. Growing up, I witnessed my mother struggle with my sister and her attitude, I sat back and learned what not to do and where the line was while my sister constantly crossed and danced around it, staying in trouble. Yes, this is my life yet again, only this time I’m the parent learning how to structure and mold these girls into young women.  I’ve been labeled “Claire Huxtable”  and take it as a compliment, I’ve also had my parenting skills questioned because I enforce the rules and sternly talk to my daughters but also take the time to go back after we’ve each calmed down and, not just talk with them, but also listen to how they feel about what transpired. I’ve learned that just fussing at them solves nothing, if they feel alone and unheard they won’t gain the full understanding of what happened and needs to be done to heal the situation and themselves. I own and will apologize when I am wrong, that’s my responsibility as a person, not just a parent, I have to be that example for them.

While their bickering and fighting is nerve racking, it’s also an opportunity for me to parent and be there for them. Do I lose my temper from time to time? Hell yeah, I’m human, not perfect. When I lose my temper, it’s yet another opportunity to discuss with the girls how to properly handle yourself in a heated situation. Just recently, the girls were at each other’s throats the entire day and I, as usual, was the mediator. I took this time to share with them how to react in these situations, letting them know arguing solves absolutely nothing, it only creates hurt feelings from words that can’t be taken back, resentment and anger towards each other. Arguing is nothing more than people talking/yelling at one another, never taking the time to listen to the real reason someone is upset. When things happen, no one is 100% right nor are they 100% wrong, they both have a part in the argument/disagreement. The challenge is coming to grips with that reality and it’s even harder to do when you are a teenager.

I may be 44 years old but I didn’t truly grow up and become an actual adult until I became a mother, being blessed with them shrunk and expanded my entire world at the same time. It shrunk my world because it became all about them and their well beings, no longer about me. It expanded my world because it opened my eyes to the challenges they would encounter in the outside world and I am responsible for arming them with the necessary tools to handle those challenges and obstacles. I know they will encounter cruel people who are insecurely dealing with their own demons and issues on a regular basis and I am responsible for teaching my daughters to understand this, never letting it damage their self-esteem and make them feel as though there is something wrong with them. I’ve lived that life and refuse to have my children suffer the way I did, they deserve way more than that, they are worthy.

Everything we go thru in our lives happens for a reason, to prepare us for situations in the future. You may not see or understand it at the time but understand you had to go thru it to help someone else at a later time.  Now, how you handle and what you gain from these experiences is all on you, it’s your choice whether you let it make or break you. If you don’t learn and grow from it, how are you going to be able to be there for you child when they go thru something similar?  Are you going to let them suffer and struggle as you did or will you be vulnerable enough to share how you dealt with it when it happened to you? I found this to be my blessing because I am able to heal myself and my past while helping my daughters with their present and future. Knowing they are watching my every move and reaction has made me check myself and become a better person and parent because I am much more conscious of my wrong doings and how I’ve mishandled them in the past.

Keep in mind there needs to be a balance with this single parenting thing tho, you can’t just make everything in your life about your children but you also can’t think only of yourself either.  Maintain some semblance of individualism because you are still a healthy adult, just never let your “life” interfere with the betterment of your children’s. If you make everything about them all the time, what happens when they turn 18 and go to college or the military or even just move out? You’re stuck in the house, no friends, nothing to do, not knowing how to function because they were your purpose for 18 years. Don’t be the crazy cat or dog lady filling your house with animals just to have something fill a void that you created by holding on too tight. It’s hard to watch our babies fall and fail but it’s necessary for them to gain those life experiences, just be there for them with an open heart, listening ear and words of comfort and advice, both of you will be better because of it.

 

 

Yesterday, we celebrated Independence Day and I started thinking about the true meaning of ‘independence’ and realized it’s not merely about us as a nation, we all have, enjoy and need to create our own personal independence.  Independence is about freedom from oppression and being able to stand on our own two feet.

Believing and living a lie is a form of oppression because we aren’t free to be ourselves and do as we truly feel.  This lie could be something as simple as putting on a farce of having a lot of money when we don’t know from day to day if our lights will get cut off or whether we will have the funds to put food on the table for our families.  This is a lie many live on a regular basis. I’ve never been one to front about what I have, if I have something, it’s because I’ve saved and sacrificed to obtain it but never at the expense of my true responsibilities.  When one puts on the façade they have a materialistically extravagant lifestyle to impress others, they fail to realize those they are seeking approval and acceptance from don’t truly know them.  We let pride stand in the way of saying “Hey, I just don’t have it this week” for fear of looking like a failure or not up to certain standards.

Toxic relationships, whether they be romantic, familial, or friendship are very oppressive because we are so worried about pleasing someone else, we never take a moment to think about what makes us happy.  That friend who is never happy about anything in their life, complains all the time, or is just plain negative is an oppressor of your happiness, bringing you down with their misery.  Being a true friend, you are there for them because you want to help them feel better, see the brighter side of life and everything they have going for them because you empathize with their struggles. Being there for others, we tend to avoid boundaries out of fear of looking like a bad, uncaring friend or not being there for them, all the while neglecting our own issues. Setting boundaries is not a punishment to your friend or friendship, it’s necessary for you both to be healthy and helpful to each other.

What about that job you drag yourself to every day?  You know the one! The one that makes you dread Monday – Friday because you are so miserable from the moment you open your eyes knowing where you’re going?  Yeah, that one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you just up and quit your job calling your boss your oppressor as you storm out of the building, not a good look at all! I’m suggesting you seek a position that makes you look forward to getting up and hitting the road each day, one that makes you feel you have a purpose and are appreciated.  That position may not even be in the field you are currently working but it’s out there waiting for you to find. The next time Suzie comes over to tell you yet another adventure of her 9 cats, take that time to tighten up your resume’ and look for something new and exciting, her cat stories will be there after lunch.

You ever hear a rumor or someone else’s opinion about yourself that is not true yet you focus on it, wondering why anyone would start or even believe it to be true? Unfortunately, this is all too common and the saddest reality is those who start the rumors and share their opinion don’t truly know or care about you, they’re battling their own insecurities and it’s easier for them to try to break another person than deal with their own demons. This holds you back as well because you’re in your head, constantly worrying about your reputation and what others may think of you. People are going to have their own opinion of you no matter how good of a person you may be. While this actually has nothing to do with you, you hold on to it and it brings you down because you feel less than. To claim your independence/freedom in this scenario, all you can do is distance yourself from the negative people and continue to be yourself, never letting small minded people change your heart and actions. Rumors and negative opinions are shared and started by insecure people who feel threatened by all of your awesomeness, let them talk, knowing and having confidence in who and how wonderful you are.  There are some people who will never see the good in you and that’s fine, their closed minded opinions are not your cross to bear and will keep you from seeing all the blessings you really do have.

Loving someone with every fiber of your being and not have those feelings reciprocated as you deserve and are worthy of is one of the biggest oppressors many of us experience but fail to see because we are so blinded with being in love. To open your eyes to the reality of what’s truly going on in a romantic relationship is harder than taking the step to find a new job or distancing yourself from someone you considered a good friend but it’s necessary in order to break the chains that are holding you back.  Sometimes, all it takes is having a conversation and being vulnerable when you communicate, other times, it may be realizing you need to close that chapter of your life and move on.  Either way, you’ll regain your freedom.

Too often we don’t even realize we are our own oppressor because we only see the good in people and situations, never understanding how much it’s suffocating us and sabotaging our overall well-being. When we put everything on hold to tend to other’s needs before our own, we’re not giving ourselves the opportunity to grow as we were designed.

It’s time to claim and gain your independence from whatever is oppressing you and stunting your growth, you can’t grow if you’re being held down or back by unhealthy relationships and situations. Life is far too precious and short to sit in a cell/mindset of oppression!  You, and only you, hold the keys to your happiness and freedom. Take a deep breath, step out on faith, and use the key to open that door and step out of the cell with the intention of living and enjoying your life to the fullest! From this point on, never give anyone else the keys to your happiness, it’s your responsibility, not theirs and no one is going to work harder for it than you. Happy Independence Day!

How many times have you said something in the heat of the moment and realized later those words would’ve been better left unsaid? Had you taken a moment to think before you spoke in anger, you may still be in that relationship, had a better relationship with the mother/father of your children or still had your best friend.  It is said “Hindsight is 20/20” because it’s not perfectly clear what should or shouldn’t have been done or said until after the fact and time has been had to review the entire situation once the moment has passed and you are alone and calm.

Life isn’t a movie or a computer, you can’t go back and undo a mistake or take back hateful words, once it’s done it’s done and you have to own it, heal from it and move forward.  It’s always easy to replay the situation and realize what you should or could have said differently after the relationship lies suffering on the floor, struggling to survive the words you used as bullets against your loved one. Hindsight may be perfect vision but it also cost you a lot because it’s not until you look back do you realize how hurtful you were while you damaged another human being.

It is so easy to just respond with the first thought that crosses our minds, the challenge comes in taking the time to evaluate those words before they are spewed at someone else.  We’ve all been guilty, at one time or another, of reacting this way while in the midst of a heated conversation, never taking the time to understand the irreparable damage we are causing the other person and our relationship with them from that point forward.  Being so concerned with the other person getting the better of us, we don’t care what we say or how it comes across, just as long as it stings them as they’ve done us.  Going tit for tat is not healthy for anyone, words are like bullets, once they’ve been discharged, the damage cannot be undone nor can they be unheard.

If only people would take a moment to think about how they would be hurting the person they are spewing hateful words at during the conversation, there would fewer broken hearted and damaged people in the world.  The hardest part of reacting before thinking is losing a friendship, lover or relationship with a family member only to realize after the fact it would still be intact had it been handled differently.  You can apologize until you’re blue in the face and try to reform yourself to prove you’re sorry, the damage is done and your relationship will never be the same, if it even continues to exist beyond that heated moment.

When someone comes at you in a confrontational manner, it is your responsibility to remain conscious of the words that leave your mouth, not them, their words and actions are their cross to bear. When you respond in the same manner in which they are essentially, attacking you, you are only putting yourself between them and their Karma and all that accomplishes is hurt feelings, tears and resentment where there was once love. Think of it this way, if all you’re doing is angrily responding, when are you taking the time to actually listen to what’s being said? Most arguments and heated discussions are the product of someone who is hurting but it’s never taken into consideration because when someone tells us how we hurt them, we jump on the defense.  Pain and heartache are powerful and overwhelming emotions which make most of us uncomfortable, causing us to resort to anger since it’s the easier emotion, we feel somehow protected and vindicated when we see our words hurt them.  Essentially, that’s all we’re trying to do: make them hurt because we are hurting, this is why anger and pain appear interchangeable.

There will be times in your life when someone you care deeply about says some of the most hateful and hurtful things imagined and say “Well, I was mad” to somehow justify ripping your heart out and stomping it into the ground. It hurts so badly because we are in disbelief someone we love would actually have so little regard for our feelings by being so selfish and thinking solely of their own emotions. We are only aware of and responsible for our own transgressions, no one else’s. We don’t know if they can’t sleep at night because they have regrets of what they said or how they treated us with such disdain and little regard. Some of us are a lot more sensitive than others, I fall into this category and am very aware of and sensitive to others’ feelings.  I make it my mission to put myself in the other person’s shoes and think about how it would feel if I responded to their words in the same manner they were spewing them at me.  Am I always pleased and walk away with a smile on my face and heart after a heated discussion?  Absolutely not but I take comfort in the fact I didn’t damage another human being with my words.

While it’s not always possible and definitely not easy to hold your tongue during a heated discussion, I’ve learned how to handle hot headed people with minimal damage to myself and them.  Here are a couple of options: simply say, “I’m not doing this until we are both calmer and able to have a rational discussion as adults” and walk away or, if you’re not able to leave, just stay calm, don’t raise your voice, don’t fuel their fire.  There are people who have so much personal anger and resentment brewing within them they look for any opportunity to unload some of it onto someone else, attempting to bring them down to their level, ruining that person’s day as well.  It’s the old adage of ‘Misery loves company’.  My suggestion is to not pour gasoline on their already roaring fire with your words, instead, be the water that helps extinguish it.  You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you don’t feed into and carry their anger around with you.

When we have a moment of hindsight of our former relationships, we examine them closely and notice our part in their demise.  If a moment is taken to think about your response and how it would affect your loved ones before reacting in anger, you won’t have to look backwards, you’ll be able to look forward with a clear heart and conscience.  The next time you are in a heated discussion and hear your response in your head, take a moment to think how it would feel if someone said those words to you.  If those words wouldn’t soothe your soul, help you gain more insight or calm the situation at hand, don’t say them. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled in to their fire and down to their level, you are better than that. Damaging others with your words will only lead to you living in hindsight and trying to apologize and repair another person you purposely damaged.  You can’t undo the past, all you can do is move forward knowing what you know now from your experiences, let your foresight be your 20/20 perfect vision.

We are all individuals, having our own mindset and way of thinking. More times than not, we share our mindset with others, not to challenge or change their way of thinking or believing but simply to show them there is more than one way of looking at a situation. Having a different way of seeing a situation doesn’t mean one person is wrong and the other is right, they simply just have different perceptions on the same subject.

I’ll proudly admit and own the fact I see things differently than most because I see, feel and react with my heart while others see and act only with logic.  It is hard to share your perceptions with a closed minded person, they seem to be on the defensive at all times for fear there might actually be another way of seeing and reacting to a situation they are dead set should be one way and one way only.  Instead of exploring other options which could possibly bring them happiness and joy beyond their wildest dreams, closed minded people choose to stay trapped in their own mind of how things “should” be, which causes them to be quite miserable when things aren’t panning out as they envisioned them. “If you ever want to hear GOD laugh, tell him your plans”.

Have you ever met someone who was nowhere near what you deemed to be your ‘type’ and they ended up sweeping you off your feet before you had a chance to even blink? Or how about the one who is your type but the feelings are so strong, you get scared and do whatever you can to ruin what could potentially be the best thing to ever happen to you? I know people who have been in love with one person but felt for one reason or another it wouldn’t work so they tried everything in their power not to accept the love and ended up living in misery because they fought what GOD destined for them.  Some people will stay closed minded in matters of the heart because they are using logic and fear against the strength of love, fearing if they let it in, they will be hurt, never taking the time to comprehend there is no greater force than that of love.  Too many closed minded people try to use logic instead of accepting love with an open mind of the wonderful possibilities it has to offer. This is an instance where the mind needs to be so open, it’s willing to step back and let the heart handle those brought into our lives who makes us feel and see things as no one before or after them ever have or will.   Don’t be so willing to settle for anything less than stellar out of fear of actually being happy with the one who makes your heart skip a beat and puts a smile on your face just from seeing a picture of them.

I’ve come to learn as I get older, although I may be sheltered, I’m not closed minded about most stuff.  There are subjects I will openly admit that I will never understand, think is okay or accept, pedophilia is one of them because I’ll never be able to comprehend how an adult could touch and do inappropriate things to an innocent child. Now, with that said, if someone has a different opinion or outlook on something I’ve done or believe, I’ll gladly sit and have a discussion, expressing my view and listening to theirs as long as it’s done with respect.  When someone comes at me with a know it all, self-righteous attitude and demeanor, I shut down because I know, at that point, it’s not coming from a place of love and concern.  I believe it to be a great opportunity to be able to sit and listen to someone express their views and opinions about a subject I used to see only one way, enabling me to now have a totally different perspective, outlook and understanding.   Unfortunately, we all run across people in our lives who’ve refused to even listen to another perspective, they are closed minded about everything and refuse to budge.

Closed minded people tend to be extra sensitive about everything said to them, taking everything personally and feeling as though the world is against them, fearful their perspectives will be proven incorrect. Perspectives and opinions are like elbows and assholes, everyone has one, some may stink but it’s theirs to have.  If their view on how their life is supposed to be is challenged, they shut down, possibly get an attitude and refuse to discuss things further. Gaining a new perspective shouldn’t be perceived as a bad thing, it should be embraced and received.

Being open minded, I tend to ask a whole lot of questions which is off-putting to most because they interpret my questions as an interrogation when I’m only trying to gain clarity and understanding. There are a lot of things I haven’t done or experienced in my life and have been blessed to come across people who have and get excited just to hear and learn what they’ve been thru. An experience that relates to this is when I was growing up, the street lights meant I needed to have my butt in the house, no exceptions only punishment if I let them beat me home. My extended family lived in the city and I would spend weekends and time during the summer with them and I’ll never forget when my cousin said “Let’s go to 7-11 and get a pickle”, I stood there like my feet were rooted to the floor with a terrified look in my eyes and said “But the street lights are on”, she sucked her teeth and said “Girl, if you don’t come on”! When I crossed that threshold and walked down the street at night, I was in awe!  LOL Here I was 15 years old behaving like a 3 year old seeing something new and amazing for the first time but this was a regular experience for her.

Everyone is not going to be accepting of who you are and what you share, it won’t click with those with closed minds, you may even be judged for not fitting in to what they deem to be normal and acceptable.  If you take the time to open your mind to new ideas, experiences and perceptions, you’ll be amazed how your world opens and changes for the better.  I’m not saying to throw caution to the wind in every aspect of your life, I’m merely saying take off the dark shades and let some light in. Strike up a conversation with someone from a different nationality and learn about their culture, go to another denominational church with an open mind and heart to receive, take a chance on the love you can’t let go of, even go so far as taking a walk around the neighborhood after dark!  The world is yours for the taking, all you have to do is remove the dark shades on your mind and let some light in to experience it.

Today, we celebrate the fathers in our lives, whether they be our biological father, step father, the father of our children or even father figures, we praise, honor and celebrate them for the men they are and influences they have in our lives.  Some fathers will be honored by a big breakfast, some by a family cookout, dinner at a restaurant, showered with homemade gifts or cards and ties galore, while others are remembered, missed and honored with flowers and tears on a headstone.  Without our fathers, none of us would be here.

There are those who are not as fortunate as others to have their fathers play an active role in their lives while some have only their father as their parental guidance and support.  I am a daddy’s girl, thru and thru, my daddy was everything to me.  While this man was not perfect, he was still my hero, mentor, confidant, leader, teacher, role model, guide and, his most important role? My daddy.  My father was a kind hearted, loving man to his children and when I came of age to begin thinking of a spouse, I knew the qualities I would seek because my daddy had set the bar high and once you’ve been treated as a princess, you can’t lower your standards and settle for anything less.

There is a blaring difference between the terms father and daddy.  A father is a male who creates a life but is not active in that child’s life for whatever reason, he doesn’t visit his child, worries more about himself than that child’s wellbeing.  A daddy is the man who embraces the blessing GOD bestows upon him when he creates life, he is involved in aspects of that child’s life from the beginning and throughout their life, makes sacrifices to ensure his child has even if that means he has to go without, works in jobs he hates just to provide for his family, instills morals and values to mold that individual into being a respectable woman or gentleman, is there to chase away the Boogie Man when their child is scared yet firm enough to discipline when that child gets out of line. Any male can spend a few moments of ecstasy and fertilize an egg and become a father but it takes a strong, yet gentle, man to earn the title of Daddy.

As of late, I’ve heard females claiming this day for themselves because they have been the parent who does everything for their child and I don’t feel that is appropriate.  I know many men who are the primary parent and support for their child but never demand to be appreciated on Mother’s Day because they respect it as such, it’s our day as mothers.  Why aren’t men afforded the same respect on their day?  No one person’s effort outweighs the efforts of another.  Just like there are deadbeat fathers out here, there’s just as many deadbeat mothers but no one focuses on that.  Why are we beating our men down because our relationship didn’t work out?  There are many men who long to have contact with their children on a regular basis but are unable to due to the bitterness of a scorned woman over a failed relationship.  Ladies, your relationship with the father of your children has no true bearing on his relationship with his children, they are 2 separate entities.

Do men who do absolutely nothing for their children exist?  “I’ll take ‘Hell Yeah’ for $200, Alex”!  But that’s not all men. How do you feel when you hear a man say “all women are hoes” or “all women are gold diggers”?  I’m sure it doesn’t sit well because that is not who or how you, as an individual, are.  The same respect should be shown to men because not all of them are women beaters, abusers, abandoners, or dogs, there are actually some decent men out here who get the short end of the stick because they ARE good guys. Don’t hold all men accountable for the actions, or lack thereof, of the boys in men’s bodies.

Fathers are the pillars of the family unit and rarely shown the appreciation for all they do. Don’t wait until Father’s Day to show how much everything they do for you means, show them throughout the year their efforts aren’t going unnoticed.  When someone is shown appreciation, they work that much harder but they do it with a new fire and drive within their spirit.  When a man is appreciated for what he does, he will actually do more.  When he is not shown that appreciation, he slowly stops even trying because he feels as though he has failed with his attempts and it’s only aggravated those he loves.

Let’s build our daddies up, Ladies!  When we build them up and show our appreciation for all they do, our children will see it as well and have a new respect for their daddy.  You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with the father of your children to respect him.  Open the lines of communication so he can have a better relationship with his children, this will also show your children how mature adults should truly behave. It’s time to put on those big girl panties and show the daddies in our lives the praise and appreciation they deserve on a regular basis, not just one day a year.

Coming from someone who is no longer able to physically hug her daddy or hear his voice, take time out of your life and love the daddies in your life because GOD will need them back sooner than you realize.  Let go of the bitterness, hurt and anger and enjoy the men in your lives for you, them and your children, you all deserve that healthy relationship

Unless you married the first boy who ever spoke to you or are still friends with that first little girl you met in kindergarten, you’ve had a relationship or two end.  The ending of relationships, whether they be romantic or friendships, is hard and usually unpleasant.  Relationships end for a variety of reasons, some legit and some so petty you are still baffled to this very day wondering what on earth happened.  One day, you’re hanging out with your best friend and the next week she’s not even speaking to you.  Or, you and your Boo are sailing along wonderfully and out of the blue you get a call saying “I need some space” and he’s gone. The first question we tend to ask is “What did I do wrong”? and, with that other person not speaking to you, it’s impossible to have an answer.

Too many relationships end with no closure, leaving at least one person eternally wondering what could have been and where things went so tragically wrong.  When we don’t get closure, we tend not to be able to move on fully to the next phase in our lives because we’re still stuck in the past of what was.  In order to obtain some fragment of closure, you have to deal with the situation, go thru all of the emotions and pain that loss has brought to you in order to heal from it.  The hardest part of a relationship ending is accepting it’s actually over.  It is a loss and needs to be grieved as such.  Closure is even harder to obtain when the end comes out of nowhere, when you think things are great and looking forward to a future with someone and then, POOF, they’re gone and you’re left high, dry and alone with your all-consuming thoughts.

We all struggle with our own demons created from past pains and disappointments but, unfortunately, most of us don’t even realize how not dealing with and healing from those experiences continue to affect each and every relationship we encounter as we continue to mature.  If you were always told you were fat growing up, you continue to believe that thru adulthood and try every diet on the market to be an unrealistic size or shape, never embracing and accepting your womanly curves.  Having to fight for the approval of your parents and those you looked up to probably made you feel you were never good enough and you carry that self-doubt within yourself your entire life.  It’s hard to heal from something you aren’t even aware is holding you back.  Your father may have never been a permanent fixture in your life but the resentment will become one if not dealt with.  A way I have learned to heal from my past is to have a grown up conversation with those who affected the image I had of myself due to who they told me I was or wasn’t.  There will be people in your life who will never own anything they did to you, please understand that is their cross to bear, not yours, don’t let it hold you back from healing.  At that point, all you can do is say “I forgive you”, mean it, pray for them and move on with your life.  There will also be people you aren’t able to physically speak with because either they have passed or you have no way in getting in contact with them and this will be when you have to rely on your faith and talk to GOD and forgive them.

The doubts within you create your demons.  Remember when you were head over heels in love with someone and nothing you did was good enough for them?  You did everything right and they still opted to leave you for someone less stellar than you. You need to deal with the reality they had demons of their own which didn’t allow them to love you as you deserved, they couldn’t handle you and all of your fabulousness, it was too much for them to bear. This wasn’t about you but you feel like it was and carry that self-doubt forward, settling for less than you deserve just to have someone who loves you.  You find a mate who absolutely adores you but have no true love connection with them, you won’t let yourself get that close again for fear of having your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped into the ground.  This situation isn’t fair to either of you, he loves and would do anything for you and you let him without reciprocating his feelings.  Remember how it felt when your Boo did that to you?  Babygirl, deal with and heal from that previous pain so you don’t damage another human being with the understanding you would never want anyone else to experience the pain you did.

In this day and age, life moves so fast, genuine communication is rare and people would rather just be a jerk until you get tired of dealing with them and the relationship just dies.  This is an example of why so many of us are damaged, shortcomings and feelings are no longer expressed, they’re just logs being thrown onto the already growing fire destined to destroy each of you.  If you aren’t happy about his actions, what is so hard about telling him how you feel? We’re all afraid to say anything that isn’t about good feelings out of fear they’ll leave us.  Well, if he leaves, he wasn’t meant to be with you, your Mr. Right is out there waiting but he won’t show up until you are whole. In order to gain your completeness, you have to deal with the bricks of the past, not just sweep them to the side like it never happened because they’re actually building a wall you can’t see until it’s too late.

When you don’t have closure and see that person years later, you’re taken back to the last moment you were together, regardless of the time span.  This is damaging because you thought you had moved on and past him until you see him and you’re now confused about whether or not you made the right choice.  That pain will consume your thoughts and actions, all because it was not a mutually agreed upon discussion about why it wouldn’t work.

Unfortunately, we live in a highly technological society, everything is communicated electronically.  This is a problem because tone and sincerity cannot be detected via an email or text. When you have a serious discussion with someone you love, the minimum you should do is pick up the phone so you can speak to them, let them hear your tone and have a conversation about your feelings.  You don’t know what mood they’re in when they read your text, they could have just had an argument or deep discussion with someone else and will read your message with that same hostile tone even though you were crying when you poured your heart out.

Take some much needed “me time” and review your life and past relationships.  We all have a seed that was planted years ago which is the root of the tree that is our life.  That one little seed was nurtured and watered by less than perfect, and sometimes damaging, relationships you would experience as you matured.  That one little seed that was never dealt with is now a well rooted tree in your soul.  Go back and find that seed so you can deal with it and heal from the hurt and damage you’ve endured for way too long.  If you are in a relationship that isn’t working out, talk to them and express how you feel, have a grown up conversation, don’t finger point or nitpick, just communicate your feelings, be vulnerable.  Get the closure you need and deserve so you aren’t damaging yourself or that other person.  You should always have a sense of clarity at the end and know why it began and is now ending. You need that in your life to move cleanly into your next phase. We all deserve closure, don’t deny yourself or another human being that right.

From the moment we are born, we are handled by someone else.  As we grow and mature, we continue to be handled and told how to act, what to and not to do, what to wear, where to go, and who to date and like. We never think much of it because it is coming from those who love us and have our best interest at heart, therefore, we follow along, abiding by what is told to us.  I know the word “handled” is usually used when it comes to celebrities because they always have someone else handling their actions for the betterment of their image and career but it also applies to everyday people just like you and me on a daily basis. Have you picked up a magazine or watched TV lately?  They’re flooded with images of what we should look like, eat and how to act on a daily basis.  That is a form of handling as well because it’s telling you to lose weight or wear a certain type of clothing to be accepted by others.

We all need guidance throughout our lives and those who are genuine and truly care will provide us with it.  There is a difference between guiding someone and handling them.  When you guide someone, you take the time to get to know them, their likes and dislikes and help them improve upon them.  When you handle someone, you couldn’t care less about what they do or don’t like, you tell them what to and not to do, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be for them.  If someone is comfortable wearing not so revealing clothes, don’t put them in an outfit that makes them look like they should be standing on the corner asking men if they like to party.  You may be comfortable showing all of your assets at all times but it can make others feel very self-conscious and exposed.  Everyone has their own comfort level and it doesn’t matter if it exceeds or pales in comparison to yours, it’s who they are, let them be themselves.

We’ve all had that one friend who believes we should dress this way, do our hair and make-up as they see fit, even if it isn’t who or how we want to portray ourselves.  We abide by their ‘suggestions’ because we feel they are only saying and doing what’s best for us, they wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care about us, right? Eh, not so much, we are their project.  We want acceptance so much we change for them even if it’s not comfortable for us.  When you are not free to be and do what feels most comfortable to and for you, you’re being stifled and judged for who you truly are, that’s being ‘handled’.  You become a shell of someone you may not even recognize but never speak up because they want and know what’s best for you, right? WRONG!

This handling didn’t start with friends or a job, it started with our parents.  No, you can’t blame them, they did what they felt was best for you because you literally didn’t know any different.  From the moment you take your first breath, you are told what religion and race you are, what to do, how to act, etc. and if you act differently than they believe you should, you get in trouble and chastised.  It’s sad, really, when you can’t be on the outside who you actually know you are on the inside for fear of being punished or not accepted.  We bend and contort our personalities to conform to the image others have of who they want to be around.  The reality is, the ones who don’t let you be who you truly are at your core aren’t your friends. How can they be your friend if they don’t accept and constantly try to change who you truly are?  When we don’t receive that acceptance, we look in the mirror and believe it’s something wrong with us, wondering why they don’t like us and do what we feel we need to in order to be liked.   Sweetie, there’s nothing wrong with you at all, it usually the insecurities within those around you where they don’t feel complete unless they’re controlling someone else’s actions.

Marriage is another relationship in which we are handled.  You may despise your in laws but act a certain way to keep the peace within your own household.  If you speak out of turn or tell someone how you truly feel, it’s not accepted because that is not who they feel is right for their son.  The reality here is you married, plan to raise a family and build a life with him, not his family.  Do you have to play nice every now and then? You sure do but you don’t have to be stifled and accept disrespect from those who live in glass houses.  No one walking this earth is perfect and no amount of bending to the whims of another will make you perfect, we’re all flawed but it’s easier to point out another’s flaws than to look in the mirror and recognize our own.

You were not put here to be who anyone else tells you to be, you are a child and creation of GOD and HE doesn’t make mistakes.  Be true to yourself, do what you like and feel is best for you and the people who share the same mindset as you will find you.  If you were raised as one religion but don’t feel it applies to who and how you are today, it’s okay to explore other religions to find one that fits.  Even if you don’t find one that fits and choose to stick with your own religion, you haven’t lost anything, in fact, you’ve gained knowledge of other religious practices. If you’ve never worn make-up and connect with those who do, continue to let your natural beauty shine.  If you like to go out, drink and have a good time but associate with those who just sit there and look pretty, associate with more like-minded people. You’ve been through a lot in your life, we all have, take the time to get to know who you truly are and embrace her, she’s been waiting for you, she’s been held down and suppressed for way too long.  Never dim your shine to appease anyone else, if they can’t love and accept you at 100%, they don’t deserve you.

 

How many times have we heard “My hubby did this or that” or “Look at my wifey doing her thing” and know the 2 are not married?  I don’t discredit anyone’s relationship but I do take marriage very seriously.  Marriage is a sacred vow between 2 people who love and respect each other and commit to spend the rest of their lives together.  It’s so crazy to know someone who has taken the last name of a man who beat the begeezus out of her, is locked up for other reasons, and claims him as her husband.  To be someone’s spouse is an honor not just a title.  This honor is not bestowed upon many……………..unless you live in Hollywood!  LOL

Living with someone and talking about marriage doesn’t make you married, it doesn’t even make you engaged, just makes you living together or, as my grandparents would say, shacking up.  I know people who aren’t even living together claiming each other as their husband/wife.  Until he speaks to your parent(s) and ask for your hand in marriage and gives you a ring, you are merely just a girlfriend, nothing more.  We have to stop settling for someone calling us their wifey with no intentions of actually making us their wife.

When you are married, you are in it together for the long haul.  Now, I’m not saying it always works out, sometimes it doesn’t, it’s not an easy journey. Being married will be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life because it takes work to make it work.  The work does not stop at the altar once you say “I Do”, that’s actually when it begins.   It’s hard enough trying to make things work alone and now, being married, you have to make it work with another person factored in to every decision you make. There’s no more spending frivolously because that now affects your household finances.  No more just up and going out and coming home when you feel like it because there is another person involved in that decision as well.  You don’t stop dating your spouse after you say “I Do”, you have to continue to court them just as you want them to do for you.

Dating someone for an extended period of time does not make you a wife, you’re still just a girlfriend.  This man may do everything for you, may take care of you and your children from a previous relationship, gets along with your family and friends, and takes you around his family and friends calling you his “lady” but at the end of the day, you are still just a girlfriend.  If he is doing so much and says you are his everything, why do you not have a ring on your finger?  Why has there not been a commitment to you and this relationship?   If you both have agreed you don’t want to be married, that’s on you but don’t claim this man as your husband and don’t let him claim you as his wife because you both made the decision not to be married and own the titles.

Loving someone with your all doesn’t make you a wife, it makes you a loving girlfriend.  There are many people who believe until they say “I Do”, they are still single and can, pretty much, do what they want because they are not married.  We’ve all been guilty of giving a man husband privileges without actually being a wife.  We feel and do so believing if we show him how good we are, he’ll see it and make us his wife.  Sorry, Babes, it doesn’t work that way.   If he is already getting everything a wife has to offer from you without having to commit fully to you, why would he marry you? Loving and doing everything for someone else is not going to make them marry you, they have to be ready and won’t do so until they are.  It doesn’t matter if you wash his stinky draws, take care of his momma and family, are able to financially support the both of you, can cook like a high paid chef, sex him like no other ever has, none of this will make a man commit to you unless he’s ready.

There are some (many) privileges you should save for your husband and only for him because he’s earned the right to them.  A boyfriend has done nothing more than earned the right to date you.  A boyfriend hasn’t earned the right to have you submitting to him and catering to his every whim, you are only supposed to submit to your husband.  Yes, I know that is a touchy word for most women these days but it is a necessary one to learn to understand and embrace.  A boyfriend has not earned the privilege of you putting him before your children, he hasn’t even earned the right to be put before you and your wants/needs.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where marriage is no longer appreciated or respected because it’s easier to get divorced than to actually put in the work to stay married.  Spouses are aware of the side pieces and accept it because “he/she comes home to me”.  Ummmm………..NO! Just because someone may be taking care of the household financially doesn’t give them the right to stray and carry on countless affairs with other people.   We need to get back to loving and respecting ourselves again so we don’t settle for less than we truly deserve.  There may be a good man shortage but that is no excuse to share yours with anyone else.  You are far more worthy and deserve fidelity from the one you love.

Talking about marriage means nothing if you are not engaged and planning a wedding or a ceremony to exchange vows, it’s still just talk.  Talking about marriage with no true intent on getting married is like talking about going to a club or event, that’s how general the talk is.  Marriage is not general, it’s serious. Marriage is a vow that you take before GOD, your family and friends to be committed to this person for the rest of your life.  Yes, I know there are many that believe marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper and those are the same ones willing to walk out on it over something so small as leaving the cap off the toothpaste 1 too many times.  Marriage is about compromise with and acceptance of the person you have chosen to spend your life with.  When you are married, you become one with your spouse, it is you and them against the world, never you against them.

There will be times in a marriage when it gets very hard, so hard you’re ready to throw in the towel but you have to remember why you are married in the first place.  Marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100, you give your all to this other person as they do you.  Your spouse should be your best friend, the one you share everything with, all the good, bad and ugly, you are sharing your life and inner most feelings and secrets, no one should know you better than your spouse.  Being married doesn’t mean you can stop fronting or trying, if you were someone else to get married, it’ll never work because representatives get tired and fade out, revealing the true you.  Being married means you are and have someone there to talk to, be silly with, confide in, is your best friend, partner in all aspects of life, to grow and build with.  There is no walking out and giving up because it’s a little difficult today.  If you are not ready to fully commit to another person, please remain a girlfriend and label yourself as such.

Marriage is GOD’S ideal, it is why we were created.  We were not created to share ourselves with multiple people, giving so much of ourselves we have nothing left over for HIM or ourselves.  We were not created to be someone’s eternal girlfriend. I love the idea of marriage, of sharing my life with my partner, growing and building a life together with that one person I vowed to commit and fully open myself to for the rest of my life.  While I may no longer be married, I was a wife and took my position very seriously, it just didn’t work.  I am not bitter or angry, in fact, the wasband and I are very good friends and have a wonderful co-parenting relationship.  The fact my marriage didn’t work hasn’t soured me on the possibility and hopes of, one day, being married again.  It’s such a strong commitment and wonderful encounter, I believe everyone should have the opportunity to experience it at least once in their lives.

 

When we care about someone, we care about every aspect of their being but sometimes the “caring” comes off as judgement.  We’ve all been in a situation at least once where we didn’t believe the man dating our friend/family member deserved her.  Here’s where you have to be the grown up and simply support your loved one.  Supporting her doesn’t mean you agree with the situation, it means you love her enough to be there for her thru everything that may transpire, good or bad.

When we love someone, we want nothing but the best for them and, sometimes, force our opinions and viewpoints on their relationship.  All that does is alienate you from your friend.  When we are in what we deem is love, all we see are sparkles and rainbows, we don’t see the bad, we don’t want to nor should we be forced to.  We feel the need to tell ourselves this is going to work, he’s not perfect but it’s going to work because I love him.  At this point, we don’t need our friends telling us what we kind of already know, we’re not always ready to have the rose colored glasses snatched off.  It’s easy to stand on the outside and look in to someone else’s relationship and see the many flaws and how it could or should be different but we tend to overstep our boundaries and repeatedly tell our friend what’s wrong with her man.  That’s a big no-no because all that does is push her closer to someone who may truly mean her no good but she feels she doesn’t have your support.

When we see things wrong in someone else’s relationship, as a friend, we feel it is our responsibility to talk to them and let them know what we see and how we feel.  While this is true, it should only be done ONCE.  If you are continually pointing out the flaws of the man she loves, she will begin to see you as the enemy.  Does this man have the most amount of couth you’ve ever experienced?  Is he the most driven person?  Best dresser?  Best communicator?  The no’s to these questions aren’t what truly matter, the answer to: Does he make her happy? is the one that matters most.  Has this man done messed up things to your friend (infidelity, disrespect, etc.)?  Maybe so but she chooses to stay with him and tolerate it, nothing you say will make her leave him alone until she is absolutely ready.

Supporting your friend means being there for her when she cries over something that happened in her relationship without saying “I told you so” or “I’m glad you finally saw what I’ve been telling you all along” or “Girl, it’s about damn time”.  She doesn’t want or need to hear any of that, she is hurting and just needs a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board to vent to, and you to be a voice of reason only when asked, never before. I’ve had situations where I don’t agree with the relationship but also learned it’s not my place to speak on it unless I’m asked.  Unwarranted advice is offensive because it’s attempted to be justified by those that love us, stating “I only tell you this because I love you”.  Yeah, that’s great.  When I’ve received unwarranted advice, I get offended because it makes me feel the person dishing it out doesn’t think I’m smart enough to already know what they are speaking on.  I’m not dumb and neither are you, our eyes are open, we see what’s going on and are dealing with the situation as we see fit.  Everyone isn’t going to agree with how you handle your issues in your relationship because it’s not how they would handle it.  Relationships are like snowflakes, no two are identical.  We all handle every situation differently because we are all different.  How you handle infidelity may not be how I handle it and vice versa but that doesn’t make either of us wrong, it’s our choice.

The main way to support your friend in her relationship is to treat him kindly.  When you walk in and already have a stank eye because he’s there, everyone notices and feels your energy, especially your friend.  You don’t have to be his best friend, your job is to be her best friend and treat him as an extension of her.  If you are rude to him every chance you get, the invites will slowly come to an end because she doesn’t want to have to choose between you and her man.  Relationships are hard enough as it is, there’s no need to bring unnecessary drama to someone else’s situation.  I understand you want to protect your friend from any type of hurt and heartache but it’s not your job and, actually, not possible.  You can’t want more for someone than they want for themselves.

Her relationship is her issue and hers to deal with, not yours.  It’s not easy standing by watching someone you love go thru hell but you can’t nitpick their eyes open either.   If you are constantly speaking only on the bad, she’ll slowly begin to pull away and tell you less and less about what is truly happening.  There are a couple of reasons this is bad: #1 ~ she’ll be alone in the best and worst times of her relationship, no one to share either news with, no one to get advice from, #2 ~ she won’t have anyone to rely on but him and he could possibly begin to abuse that power over her, and #3 ~ GOD forbid it ever gets physical, you may not know until it’s too late.

My experience, and you can probably relate, has been the main one bitching and complaining about my relationship has never had a successful one.  How can someone who’s not in a relationship tell you how to handle yours?  Funny, huh? I don’t give advice to anyone because if it is followed and causes the relationship to end, my friend ends up resenting me.  I learned a long time ago to just say how I handled it when I was in a similar situation while repeating “This is how I handled it but you may want to do it differently”.

Everyone needs to go thru things in their own time and experience trials and tribulations to grow into the person they were meant to be.  Your lack of support will only hinder that growth and cause them to repeat the necessary lesson over and over again until they finally get it.  We can’t take the test and learn the lessons for anyone but ourselves.  So, the next time your friend complains about her man, just listen and be there for her.  Yes, it is hard to hear some of the things she is going thru but until she is ready, she’s going to continue to go thru it.  Grab that box of tissues and some wine and sit with her while she unloads and continue to treat him as an extension of your friend.  That’s all you can and should do for those you love.

 

From ever since I can remember, my biggest fear has been losing someone I love, sadly, that fear became a reality on May 22, 2010 when my daddy passed away.  That was the most painfully indescribable moment in my life to date.  I never thought loss could physically hurt but when an unfillable void is created, it’s real and actual pain.  I would never wish that type of pain on another person but also understand it will happen to others, it’s life and no one makes it out of life alive.  Thru losing half of my beginning, I learned how absolutely short and precious life truly is.  I also learned I hadn’t been living the life I was blessed with.

The majority of us go thru life day to day merely existing by taking care of children, spouses, bills and working. Somewhere in there, we may take a vacation here or there but then it’s back to the grind and that day to day existence.  I watched my daddy take vacations, go out and have a good time, he always had a smile on his face and love in his heart.  It wasn’t until I lost him did I realize I had rarely ever genuinely smiled, took everything personally and to heart, and just took life itself so seriously I seemed to walk around in a bad mood.  I don’t wish that existence on anyone but, unfortunately, I watch just about everyone I know exist in that manner in some form or other more often than not. We spend so much time working and worrying about providing an extravagant life for our family, we never take the time to get to know and enjoy them.  Sure you may have a high paying job which enables you to give your family a great lifestyle but what does it matter if you have no time to spend with them because you’re always working to ensure that lifestyle is maintained?  Your babies won’t be babies for very long, your parents/grandparents won’t live forever, your friends won’t always be here and neither will you, you can’t get those days back.

We are a society so concerned with, not only keeping up with the Joneses but constantly trying to surpass them which, in turn, makes us work that much harder outside of the home and away from family.  We miss many family gatherings because we are working.  I’m a simple woman, I don’t need top of the line, named brand everything to be happy.  Do I like nice things? Of course but I like laughing and being silly with my daughters more.  I enjoy spending the day with my sister just chilling at her house on the deck with a bottle or few of wine.  Spending a Friday night with my daughters watching movies we’ve seen multiple times while eating pizza and just joking around is my idea of heaven. I won’t get these days back so I take them in as often as I can.  One day, all my daughters will have are memories of me and I do what I can to make them the best I can while I can.  I want my daughters to have memories of the trips we take to the zoo and museums, just spending time together not that I was never there because I was always working to give them the latest fashions and shoes, material things don’t create lasting memories.

We always think we have time to do this or that but, unfortunately, it’s not our plan that takes the actions, it’s GOD’s plan in HIS timing, not ours.  I know I’ve said many times, “Oh, I’ll go see so & so next weekend, I just don’t feel like it today” and that next weekend never comes because I get so pre-occupied with my own things I just never make it, feeling as though I have an unlimited amount of time.  The sad reality is, when you put off going to see someone you care about, next weekend is never promised.  The knowledge that tomorrow is never promised is why I try to keep on at least decent terms with those I care about because I don’t want the last interaction I had with them to be a negative or nasty one.  To know the last time I spoke to my friend we had an argument and now they’re gone? There’s no way I can make that right, there’s no way I can say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” and that will weigh on me for the rest of my life.

Over the last several years, I’ve become a very patient and attentive listener because I rarely had one in my life and would never want someone I care about to experience the feeling of either not being heard or understood or as though their feelings didn’t matter.  I have also learned to speak up when I feel tension even if I don’t know what is wrong, I speak on it because life is too short to worry and wonder why a wall is being built between me and someone I care about.  The unfortunate aspect of this is other people would rather walk around stewing in their own anger and animosity throwing dirt on your name and character to others than to open their mouths and say “You hurt me when you………………” to enable the conversation can progress from there.  Do I understand things don’t always work out?  Yes, I do but I also believe that nothing beats a failure but a try.  If I don’t try to communicate, I’m just as guilty as the other person and a good relationship dies for a petty, sometimes unknown, reason.  I also understand sometimes things weren’t supposed to work out, sometimes it was just a lesson I needed to learn.  Maybe you needed to learn to confront people when they have wronged you or maybe you needed to learn how to communicate your feelings to finally be heard.  You won’t get the message at first but in time, it will click.  There’s no need for childish grudges, we are adults and need to begin to act as such.

I am guilty of not spending time with those I love, I can’t and won’t make excuses, I’ll just own that I don’t do it as often as I should.  While I loved my daddy with every fiber of my being, I took for granted he would always be here because heroes never die, right?  It took him getting sick for me to fully grasp the reality of how limited our time here on earth is.  I refuse to wait until someone is sick before I make the effort to spend time with them, I won’t get them back once they are gone and there are many people in my life I deem irreplaceable, as I know you do.

The one thing I know for sure is I don’t want to leave this earth with a bucket list or wondering “what if”.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not jumping out of plane or climbing Mt. Everest but I will go out and enjoy myself, no longer being the wallflower too shy to actually enjoy and experience that moment in my life.  It’s okay to act a little crazy every now and then, you’re grown.  I’ve held back far too long for fear of naysayers judging me and worrying about what everyone else thinks of me.  I’ve been so concerned with pleasing everyone else with my actions I never truly got to know myself, I didn’t even like myself but I tried to make sure everyone else was happy never realizing I deserved to be happy.  I make sure I speak up when there’s tension between myself and another person because I don’t want the “what if” looming over my head, I’m a constant thinker and will drive myself crazy with scenarios that could be so far from reality but seem real to me.  It is my responsibility as an adult to communicate as an adult and not just cease communication when I get in my feelings.  Sometimes, that communication is not going to happen immediately because the situation is heated and cooler heads need to prevail in order for it to be effective and that may take a few days.

My point in all of this is life is too short to be anything but happy.  If you had a disagreement with someone, squash it, you may never be the friends you used to be but you can leave this earth knowing you tried and the air is clear.  If you aren’t close with family anymore due to a misunderstanding or miscommunication, reach out, you never know, they may miss you more than you do them.  Take that vacation!  Buy that sexy little black dress and find somewhere to wear it!  That cute guy you’ve been drooling over from afar all this time?  Talk to him because he’s probably been checking you out too but could be too shy to say anything or be intimidated by your beauty.  While life is too short it’s also about choices and you have to choose to step out on faith to get that new job or new car.  If you step out on faith and start to enjoy and appreciate the life that HE has blessed you with, I promise you, HE’s got you every step of the way.  Don’t wait to make things right, tomorrow may not come.

My parents instilled so much in me while I was growing up, I have carried those lessons forward in my everyday life and continue to instill them in my daughters.  My daughters are nearing dating age (please pray for me), their father and I make sure they know what is and is not acceptable from a guy and to always maintain their sense of self-worth. There is no way in hell they will leave this house to the honk of a horn! They are worthy of the young man turning off the car, coming to the door, ringing the doorbell and speaking to me or their father before she is to cross that threshold.  It’s called respect of us and our daughter, she’s worthy of it.  If she whines about him possibly leaving if she doesn’t go out when he honks the horn, he’s proven he’s not worthy of dating our daughter and free to drive off alone. Another lesson I maintain? When on a date, I always have my own money in case he expects something from me for what I ordered, we all know about “that side of the menu”.  I’m worth more than a steak dinner and will pay my half and Uber it home, never will I be forced into giving him the goods for a meal.

As you mature and age, you tend not to demand as much as you should because you want a relationship so badly.  When you were in your 20s, your standards were high because you felt the dating pool was deep and full of potential prospects, giving you the option to pick and choose.  When you near your 40s, that pool becomes shallow with picked over, bitter men. I, personally, don’t believe that’s any reason to lower my standards.  Have you become less worthy because you have experience and maturity? No, you’re more worthy of those standards being met and respected because you DO have life experience and maturity.  I understand everyone was raised differently but, again, that is no reason to feel and act as though you’re not worth a man treating you with dignity and respect.

I know too many females who have lowered their standards for a man who still wasn’t worthy of them once the bar was lowered.  To be a viable candidate, a man should bring to the table everything you have to offer.  For example, if you have a job, he should have a job; if you have a car, he should have a car; he should have somewhere to lay his head at night that isn’t in his momma’s house, especially if you have your own place, etc..  I’m not saying he should have the most expensive vehicle or highest paying job but have one.  Yes, I know people fall on hard times and may be between vehicles or have to move back home with their parents, I totally get it. Understand this, if he’s fine being without a vehicle and relying on others to get from point A to B or has been home for a few years, he has no intentions of making any changes anytime soon.

I believe and expect a man should be a man in all aspects of a relationship, just as a woman should.  If it snows and I have a man, I should not be outside shoveling snow.  Now, I will go out and help where I can but I’m not going to be the main one shoveling while he chills in the house, nor will I cut the grass with my so-called man in the house watching me do so.  If I’m getting up and working every day, an effort should be made on his part to do the same.  If he has an awkward work schedule or hours have been cut back and is off during the week, he should take the initiative to do things around the house, get my oil changed, wash some clothes, mop the floor, don’t just sit around like a bump on a log or playing video games all day. I should never have to worry about taking out the trash nor should I have to ask him to do so, we both see it’s full.

As women, we tend to enable males to be less than what we truly deserve because we want that relationship to work.  We sacrifice friendships and who we used to be in order to spend more time with him, we may even stop speaking our mind out of fear he will leave.  Here’s a question for you: what’s the worst that will happen if you speak your mind and he doesn’t like it?  Or if you enjoy girls’ night every now and then?  If he doesn’t like it and leaves, will you die? Will those you love and care about die? No? Okay, it’s time to get back in touch with who truly are, have girl time, invest in me time and speak up and communicate with him, if he can’t take it, he’s not the one for you.  Never want a relationship so badly you lose sight of who and how you truly are, always remain true to self and you’ll find the one who loves and encourages you to continue to grow and be who and how you naturally are.

Sometimes we relax our morals and standards after looking at the autopsies of failed relationships and feel if we had done this, that or the other differently, maybe we would currently be in our happily ever after.  We are quick to point out where we feel we may have messed up and vow, with our next opportunity for a relationship, to not be so quick to anger or go out with our friends so much.  An important aspect of any relationship is maintaining your individuality, you can’t have a successful relationship if it’s always all about that other person.  You have to have me time, go get your nails and toes done, get your hair done, have drinks with your girls, you’re allowed and need time apart or you’ll begin to feel smothered which will turn you bitter and looking at another relationship autopsy report.

I speak from experience because I lost sight of the strong woman I was raised to be just to appease a man and his ego. Although I may have been happy for a little while, I gradually grew miserable because I wasn’t being true to myself.  I cut off all of my friends, didn’t go out, went to fewer and fewer family gatherings and didn’t speak up when something was wrong for fear I would offend him and he’d leave. I endured a lot more than I should have because I thought I was the cause of our problems and didn’t want to ruffle his feathers because I didn’t think I could make it on my own. Those who know me today can’t fathom I was ever that way but I was, I wanted that relationship to work so badly I became unrecognizable to myself and others. I became someone he didn’t respect and even lost respect for myself once I reviewed the autopsy report. I am not bitter or angry with him for how things happened because I stayed and put up with it, hoping the more I sacrificed my morals and standards, the more apt he’d be to stay.  Even though the relationship didn’t work out, I feel blessed to say we are now once again very good friends and I speak my mind and am myself because I am free to be to do so.

Ladies, never get so deep in trying to appease and relying on someone else that you lose sight of who you were created to be. Your relationship is just that: YOURS, never let anyone else’s judgments have you remain in an unhealthy, uneven relationship.  If it’s not working (and neither is he), it’s okay to speak on what you want and deserve and up to him whether or not he is willing to deliver. You are worthy of having your door opened, trash taken out, being a passenger more than you are the driver, not having to be the main one footing the bills, we all deserve that love and respect in a relationship. Your representative, you know her, she’s the one who’s been in this relationship faking it til he wakes up? Yeah, her, she won’t be able to sustain a long term relationship because your true self, standards and morals are there and will come to the surface in due time.

Welp, it’s over, he’s not going to be your forever, for one reason or another, it just didn’t work.  What’s your next move?  Your first instinct may be to “bust the windows out his car”, scratch the paint, burn his clothes on the front lawn, bad mouth him on social media or even go to his job and cuss him out in front of his peers and co-workers.  Getting locked up, having charges and a restraining order filed against you which will, in turn, cause you financial issues due to your newly acquired record, and ruining your reputation by coming out of character is not the way to start the healing process from heart break.  So, put “Hot Sauce” away, put on some comfy clothes, get some junk food, turn on Netflix, get comfy on the couch and let it out.  It’s normal and necessary to cry, Babes, you need to release that pain, it is a loss, start grieving, just don’t unpack and stay there.  The tears come from the disappointment you may feel from the fact you thought this was going to be “the one” or your “happily ever after” and now? BAM!  You’re single again.

Break ups happen, some hurt more than others because there may have been some form of cheating or abuse by someone you trusted with every essence of your being. This could be in the form of emotional or physical, both hurt and cut deeply causing damage to your self-esteem and ego, having you feeling as though you aren’t good enough.  Although we carry these scars for the rest of our lives, we always have the option of whether we will become bitter or grow and be better. #choices

Here’s my question to you: Why you mad tho?  Yes, you’re hurting, feeling betrayed, trust is broken and faith in people is shook, promises weren’t lived up to, your weaknesses were used against you, they weren’t who you thought they were.  I can relate to the feeling of wanting to throat punch them for making you cry and breaking your heart, it’s a knee jerk reaction, we want to inflict pain on those who hurt us, it’s completely normal.  Having these feelings of hate, animosity and even violence are somewhat normal in the beginning!  When you begin to carry these feelings of hate and wanting to make this person’s life miserable months and years out? That’s far from normal and causing you to carry around unnecessary negativity, pain, anger and resentment.

How can you lead a normal life and find some semblance of happiness if you are still mad a relationship didn’t work out 10 months ago? Do you think he’s affected by you calling him all types of names to your friends?  Do you think he lays awake at night feeling your pain? It doesn’t matter if he’s hurting or not, his pain is not going to take yours away, it is yours to deal with and heal from. Yes, you loved him and he hurt you. Many nights have been spent crying yourself to sleep, over analyzing what went wrong, not realizing, even if things been handled differently, it’s the past and he still wouldn’t be there.  Sorry to break it to you, no matter what you did or how things could have been done differently, they weren’t and he wasn’t the one and not meant to be your forever.  So, I’ll ask again, why you mad tho?

Too many times, people go to extremes with their hurt, which has now turned in to anger and rage, and cause damage that can’t be reversed or undone.  So, you and your child’s father didn’t work out and he has moved on, why do the children need to be affected and made to feel they have to hate that parent as well? The fact the 2 of you didn’t work out as a couple means now you work that much harder as parents and doing what’s best for the child who didn’t ask to be here. No child should be made to suffer because you’re in your feelings, the issues between 2 adults is the reason the relationship is history.  There are so many parents who want and try to be involved in their child’s life but the other parent is still hurting, angry, and bitter and uses the child as a pawn to make that other person hurt.  Who’s the one who suffers the most? Yes, the child and for what? Because your ex didn’t turn out to be the person you thought they were?  Yeah, that’s fair…………………seriously, why you mad tho?

Another, yet common, extreme reaction to a break up is sleeping with multiple people thinking it will do 1 of 3 things: help you heal faster, “To get over someone, get under someone else”, believe he will learn of it and hurt because you are sharing yourself with other guys, making him feel insignificant or have him begging you to take him back.  NEWSFLASH!  None of these will work at all.  There will be no healing if you don’t take the time to deal with the pain of the loss, it will still be there no matter how many people you’ve been with, it doesn’t go away until you’ve acknowledged it, grieved and put yourself back together better than before you even met them.  Going on dates will boost your ego temporarily because you feel desired and are getting attention from a man for a few hours on a date but when he’s not there, here come the tears of the pain you’ve tried to suppress and deny. Your heart will still hurt and yearn for your ex.

Why are you mad?  You’re mad because you didn’t get an apology from someone who hurt you or there was no closure, it just ended or because you feel foolish for believing they would change and be better for you.  Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact you will never receive that apology and move on with your life.  Staying stuck in this moment of pain and questions of “why” will only make you a miserable person, never seeing the wonderful things life, this world and other people have to offer you.

Life is about choices, every choice you make creates your Karma, good or bad.  If you choose to be bitter and destructive, that’s all you will encounter but if you choose to see the positive in all people, things and situations, your life will be abundantly rich with goodness and happy feelings.  So, put on your big girl panties and choose to learn and grow from this experience, if you don’t, you’ll stay stuck and miss out on “the one” who will be your ”happily ever after”, you deserve it, we all do!