Author: DaddiesGrl

Hey, my lovelies! I know I am falling short of keeping my word to stay more connected and it’s not even because life has been life-ing, it’s more like my mind has been in a constant swirl of thoughts I can’t really piece together. I guess this is what happens when you are in your healing girl era and stay to yourself with an overthinking brain but, I actually welcome it. Does it get muddy and overwhelming sometimes? It absolutely does but at this stage of my life and journey, I’m able to sit and process which kind of sorts the thoughts into categories to easier deal with. The current consuming thought I have is value so, grab your beverage of choice and let’s sort this one out together.

My sister and I were recently chatting about our pet peeves and I will own that a couple of mine have me driving the bus to hell but I stand 10 toes deep on what annoys me about other people. In case you’re wondering, one of mine is people smacking while they eat and if they start making noises and I can hear them breathing too? Yeah, I’m catching a charge that day.

Thru this chat session, I told her this is why I would be nervous if my partner ever read our text/chat convos because some of them worry me and she said that’s why I need to be up front and my authentic self when meeting my potential partner because she knows I’ve shrunk myself and dimmed my light in hopes someone would choose to be with me in the past. I reassured her that’s not who I am anymore, who you see and meet is who I am, I don’t have the time to stroke someone’s ego by appearing meek. I’ve come to realize thru my healing that what used to excite the unhealed parts of me now disgust me, what I used to put up with and tolerate will now get you cussed smooth out.

Through my own experiences, as well as witnessing what others go thru/put up with/tolerate, I now see that, for majority of my life, I didn’t know my own value and sacrificed so much of myself in hopes someone would acknowledge what I couldn’t see. Crazy, right? I have come to learn what it looks and feels like when another person sees and appreciates your value because I experienced far too often what it is like when they don’t. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships; it covers familial as well as friendships because you shouldn’t just be valued by the person you’re laying down and sharing your body with.

For most of my life, I didn’t value myself because I was never taught that I had value just by being myself, there was only value when I was attached to a man. I was raised by a woman who didn’t know her own value and endured physical/mental/emotional abuse, blatant disrespect, betrayal, and infidelity from various partners. I witnessed my mother suffer physical abuse at the hands of my father, clean her wounds, and return to being the ‘perfect’ wife who cooked, cleaned, and tended to the children and her husband all while holding down a full-time job.

As a teenager, I watched my mother be a subservient wife who catered to a man who was more community peen than a husband which she knew but stayed and became more meek and quiet about his escapades while keeping a smile on her face to give the impression their marriage was perfect.  This one baffled me as I was a teenager who was on the receiving end of a woman who didn’t take any shit and ruled with an iron fist but wouldn’t even raise her a voice at a man who publicly disrespected her by sleeping and being seen with other women. I watched as she served this man every meal in bed before we ate, cooked, cleaned, ran all of the errands, and anything else she could do to make his already cushy life easier in the hopes he’d see how valuable she was and choose her over his other women and, what did that get her? Divorced for a second time with her value never being acknowledged by either of them.

I came to realize I fell into the same pattern as I got married because I believed that the only way I’d have any value was by being someone’s wife. I stayed in a less than perfect marriage while I endured mental, emotional, and verbal abuse because I thought that was a part of marriage and I was the problem. I know now that I wasn’t the problem but I stayed, swallowed the fire inside myself as to not upset my husband, got on antidepressants, and tried the impossible task of keeping a spotless home with young children living in it in the hopes he would see and value me. Yes, I know, I became my mother and anyone who knows me understands how much of a cringe reality that is for me but, unfortunately, the similarities do not end there.

After my divorce, I had a couple of ‘relationships’ where I repeated the same pattern of being a doormat just so someone would see me as non-confrontational and understanding of all the shit they put me thru. I even apologized to someone for using my voice which had previously been stifled and he got butt hurt and cut off communication with me for 18 months. I can laugh now because I see how pitiful I truly was but it wasn’t funny when I spent many nights soaking my pillow with tears over a man who never valued me.

I have always been determined to instill in my daughters their worth and value of their own. I have never urged my daughters to seek relationships to feel whole because if you go into it as half a person, you’re never going to be whole and will just break your own heart trying to keep a relationship that never stood a chance afloat. In true motherly fashion, I want more for my daughters than I ever had and sometimes worry that I’ve not done enough but they proudly prove me wrong. One instance of proof I’m doing okay with them: my oldest video called me crying as her crush showed what a piece of run over dog shit he truly was and I tried to console her thru the tears and pain but her sister had another method. I thought she was oblivious to the convo as she was scrolling thru social media but, without even raising her eyes from her phone, she matter-of-factly said, “It’s 2021, we don’t cry over men”. The tone in which that statement was made silenced both of us and hit me hard because I had been crying over someone at that time but she snapped me to reality.  

When you are valued in a relationship, you will never question where you stand with or what you are to them, they will make sure you have clarity at all times; they won’t gaslight or breadcrumb you to merely keep you around. A person who values you will allow and encourage you to grow and get to know you all over again. Someone who values you will never be okay with watching you struggle in any way and do what they can to make your life easier in all areas. When someone values you, they hear when you are silent as they know something is wrong and will work with you to help you thru whatever is going on, no matter how big or small it may be.

When you are valued by your partner, no one else will be able to get their attention because they know what they have in you and that is enough for them. So many claim they cheat because they weren’t in a good place with their partner but the reality is, they didn’t value you enough to work thru the issues and keep it in their pants. Being valued by someone is apparent by their consistent effort to be with you, they won’t be able to go days/weeks/months without speaking to you and, even in this text driven society, they will pick up the phone to hear your voice.

Many feel that because their partner spends money on them that they are in turn seeing their value but your worth/value doesn’t have a monetary amount, it’s when someone sees and accepts you for who and how you are. Something to keep in mind is not all rings are given with love, some are given merely to shut you up. There are people I know who believe that because they drive a fancy car, wear $2k shoes, or only shop at high priced boutiques that it means they’re valuable and that too is a lie. It doesn’t matter how many high dollar material items you possess, it doesn’t make you a better person and, in my experience, those types of people are usually the most miserable souls you’ll ever encounter.

The reality is that it doesn’t matter how many tricks you know in the bedroom to make someone’s toes curl, if you clean better than Molly Maid, prepare meals better than Gordon Ramsay, how many times you overlook their betrayal and disrespect by sharing their body with others, or are sitting on a pile of cash willing to Sugar Mommy/Daddy your way into a relationship, it’s not going to make anyone see the value in you because none of that is what makes you valuable.  It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do for someone, it will never be enough if they don’t value you. We are all valuable simply because we exist, one should never shrink themselves so it’s easier for another person to swallow them. Know your value and never settle for someone who doesn’t see or appreciate you as you are. Be great, my loves!

Hey, my lovelies! How y’all been doing? Since our last convo, Father’s Day has come and gone. I will openly admit that I had totally forgotten about it until I was confused by my boss’s travel plans for that weekend. I couldn’t fathom why he would fly home on Friday and then return to DC on Monday, felt like such a waste until my colleague said, “That’s Father’s Day weekend” and I was like, damn, I have totally removed this from my mind as my father has passed away and the father of my children is not worth celebrating and add to that I am free of human disappointment so it was just another weekend to me. For those who are worthy of celebrating, I sincerely hope you were loved and doted on while you cooked on the grill that weekend and to those who don’t do shit for their children all year, I hope you felt the impact of your actions when you didn’t even receive a Happy Father’s Day message.

A couple of months ago, a question was posed to women and their response has been flooding social media but instead of us being seen and heard, we (women) have been disrespected by anger filled responses by men because they weren’t the chosen subject of the answer to the question. The question posed to random women is: If you are in the forest alone, which would rather encounter, a strange man or bear? When women damn near unanimously chose the bear, males became angry and inconsolable which is disappointing to say the least. If you’ll allow me to take a few moments of your time, I will share why I will choose the bear every single time.

Let’s begin by looking at some statics: An estimated 91% of victims of rape & sexual assault are female and 9% male. Nearly 99% of perpetrators are male; at least 1 in every 3 women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. Most often the abuser is a member of her own family or her partner. I’d like for you to do something for me really quick to help this sink in a little better: think of 3 female family members and understand at least 1 of them is a part of the aforementioned stat. There are over 433,000 cases of sexual assault or rape annually in the U.S. among people ages 12 and older, every 68 seconds, another American is sexually assaulted and these are only the ones which are reported. Now, let’s discuss bear attacks, shall we? Since 1784 there have been 66 fatal human/bear conflicts by wild black bears. Less than a dozen non-fatal conflicts happen each year, and the vast majority of encounters end with zero bodily contact. Why? Because black bears are far more likely to run away from you than engage.

Now that we have the technical aspects out of the way, let’s move onto personal experiences which leads to the adoration of the bear. If, GOD forbid, I were to ever encounter a bear in the woods, it would go 1 of 2 ways: he’d either maul and kill me or run, period. Yes, there’s a possibility I’d die, a rather slim one but still could happen, but that’s the worse the bear could do to me. A bear wouldn’t violate my body and tell his friends I wanted it regardless of how many times I said NO and begged him to stop. I wouldn’t have to see the bear at social functions and act as though nothing ever happened. I wouldn’t be accusatorily questioned about what I was wearing or why was I alone with the bear or how much did I have to drink or why was I trying to ruin a good bear’s reputation by accusing him of violating me or insinuate that I was lying because he had rejected me.

If I were attacked by a bear, I would be believed that it happened but, unfortunately, that’s not the case when you attempt to report a sexual assault which is also why so many go unreported. Do you know what it’s like to have someone you trust take advantage of their strength and violate you? The reality is most sexual assaults aren’t committed by strangers, they are dates, friends we believed would never harm us or even looked at us that way, family members, and even spouses. Yeah, where’s that bear, I’d like to just sit with him because I feel safer beside him right now.

I will proudly own that I am what is known as a Momma bear because you mess with my daughters and I’m bringing hell with me to handle you just as mother bear would do for her cubs. We are under the impression it’s only the mothers who protect their cubs at all costs but I dare you to even look at a bear cub when its father is near because that ass whooping may actually be far worse than what the female would do to you.

This is another reason I would choose the bear because regardless of gender, that bear parent will protect their babies at all costs, they wouldn’t belittle them when they’re having a bad day nor gaslight them into believing the lack of presence in their lives was a figment of their imagination nor throw a tantrum like a tyrannical toddler because their children are sick of their shit and standing ten toes deep on their boundaries of no contact. A bear cub doesn’t have to hold on to the last shred of dignity by hoping for a true parent – child relationship with their parent all while being made to feel as though they’re not enough but still manage to have a delusional mindset that same parent will realize what an asshole they’ve been and do a 180 to repair their relationship. The bear is always concerned about the safety of their offspring, never would they put them in a position to have no way of reaching out for help. If the bear mommy and daddy don’t work out, it’s not taken out on the cubs, they are never innocent casualties in the dysfunctional relationship.

The responses of women choosing the bear should have been the lightbulb for men to realize we don’t feel safe around them because so many of your counterparts have traumatized us in one way or another. But, alas, the responses I’ve seen and heard have been disgusting and vile as some men are giddy at the concept of being able to watch a woman being mauled by a bear. Instead of taking a look inside and reflecting on their patterns and behaviors, men have gotten angry because they weren’t chosen over a bear.  At no time have they heard us.

I will say that it did click with some men when it was asked whether they’d want their daughter alone in the woods with a bear or a random man because even they know how vile their gender can be. Sadly, you also have the other side of that coin which is the men who never treasured their daughters and the first thing they’d say is “Well, she shouldn’t be in the woods, she deserves what she gets”.

For some unknown reason, men can’t seem to grasp our utter frustration and exhaustion when it comes to just leaving the house. As selfish as it may sound, women revel in the thought of what it would be like to have a mere 24 hours without a single man walking the earth and because I love y’all, I’ll share a glimpse with you: we’d be able to wear the clothes we want whether it be a crop top, mini skirt, sundress, etc. without having to worry about crude comments and unwanted advances from the opposite sex; the freedom to take a walk at night without fear of getting snatched and assaulted; being able to walk down the street without being told “You should smile”; being able to enjoy a night out with our friends without having to worry about some dude trying to grind on us while we’re enjoying the music on the dance floor; going to a bar and being able to leave our drink unattended because there’s no one waiting for us to turn our back so they can slip a roofie in it; sitting on a park bench while enjoying the weather and a good book without being interrupted by someone’s dusty ass son taking it as an opportunity to disturb our peace.

No, I am not saying all men possess this behavior or mentality but, unfortunately, the vast majority do and those who don’t do it have friends and family members who go unchecked for their behavior. As imperfect as he may have been, I had a Daddy in my life who schooled me on the behaviors of men so I would be aware and not fall victim to them but, unfortunately, a couple fell thru the cracks because I led with my heart instead of instinct and knowledge. Regardless of whether you have daughters or not, you have a mother who is also a female who’s dealt with this type of behavior. I’m going to step down off my soap box as I’ve held you long enough but I have a simple ask of you: if you do nothing else, take a moment to let all of this sink in with the understanding of what women have to deal with every moment of their lives. We do not ‘ask’ for it by wearing a certain type of clothing or accepting a date with you, we are just trying to live our best life and, far too often, that’s brought to a screeching halt because some prick believed that because he was horny, we were his for the taking, our fears and feelings were never taken into consideration. Be great my loves!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! Apparently, I can’t walk, talk, and chew bubble gum at the same time because I’ve not kept up this end of my New Year’s goals by being more present here while attempting to work a full-time job and start a baking business. While I am enjoying the baking part of the business and seeing the smiles on the faces of those who purchase my products, attempting to run the business side sucks ass for me but I have loved ones working with me where I lack and, for that, I’m grateful that I’m able to continue the legacy of my Nana thru baking. I ask that you show me a little grace while I balance out the baking and connecting with y’all, I’ll get it together soon.

We’ve had a few holidays/dedicated months, hell, I’ve even had a birthday since I’ve last posted and I will not even attempt to squeeze all of them into this one blog, you already know that’s not my style. With Mother’s Day having recently passed, that is where my focus will be today, not the day itself but the beings who are celebrated. Grab your beverage of choice, relax, and let’s get the convo started, shall we?

As a mother of two beautiful daughters who are, literally, the reasons I breathe, I’ve come to realize how selfish I was when I chose to bring them into this world. Yes, I said selfish because they didn’t ask to be here, I wanted them but with that desire to be a mother, it is also my responsibility to make sure their lives are nothing short of heavenly on this earth. Have I always had the financial means to materialistically spoil them? Absolutely not and, even if I did, it wasn’t going to happen as I refuse to raise entitled brats who don’t appreciate the smaller things in life as I know too many adults who equate happiness to their amount of material possessions while their lives and spirits are absolute dumpster fires.

Being a mother is the hardest, lowest paying job I’ve ever had in my life but it also the most rewarding and fulfilling one at the same time. I have embraced every phase of motherhood from peeing on the stick to hearing their first cries to watching them take their first steps all while reveling in being blessed to experience their little personalities develop as they grow and mature. Were there some rough times? Hell yeah and still are! You can’t be the parent of daughters and think every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows because they will stomp all over that misconception while giving you the look of “Annnnnnnnduh?!” They will test your gangster and have you willing to wear prison orange but then you look at them and recognize the blessings they are. Have I sat in my anger? Yep, sure have but the blame wasn’t on them as I’m the parent and I’m supposed to set the example and guide/teach them how to effectively communicate and when I don’t, neither do they. Please note that I can only speak on having daughters, not sure if the struggle is the same with sons but, those girls?!

Who I am as a mother is who my children need me to be just as every other mother is who she is and, while I never claim to be the perfect mother, there are behaviors of some other mothers I do not agree with. As I stated earlier, I selfishly chose to bring forth life into this world, it’s not on them that they are here and, regardless of their age, they need me and/or my resources which I gladly provide. There are some mothers I know who believe with their whole chest that because they provided food, shelter, and clothes for their child from birth to 18 years old that this child now owes them for the rest of their life and should cater to every whim, regardless of price or inconvenience. Ummmm, no ma’am, that’s not how this works, children are not an investment which matures at 18 that you can pull out money and expensive gifts from simply because you laid down for a few moments of ecstasy or just a couple pumps and created life.

It is also believed that your child owes you respect and, to a degree, that is true but you also have to be respectable, just because you gave them life doesn’t mean you can be an utterly inconceivable asshole and treat your child like shit and say, “But I’m your mother, you will respect me!” If you have to threaten someone into respecting you, you don’t deserve that respect. To me, that’s equivalent to a crack head telling their child, “I’m your mother, you owe me respect” after this child has seen her strung out and doing a lot of strange things for that little white rock. The title of mother is one of respect, admiration, and dignity, it is not license to be reckless with your child and demand they respect a title you, personally, shat all over.  We teach our children how to stand up for themselves against bullies and those who mean them harm but then turn around and punish them for doing exactly as they were taught when we become their bully? How much sense does that make?

We all have different ways of doing everything in life and parenting is no exception. There will be people who don’t make the same choices you would have made when it comes to rearing a child but to share your unwarranted advice and opinions does more damage than good because you’ve now made that person feel like a bad parent or as though they are doing it wrong. There has not been one time a new parent has left the hospital with a newborn and a handbook on how to handle everything that will happen in life, we’re all figuring this shit out as we go and just because you were in my shoes 5, 10, or 30 years ago doesn’t make you the end all be all of mothering because you didn’t birth my children, I did.

There will come points in motherhood that, if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to heal your inner child while raising your own. I say this to mean, our children are nothing more than little pieces of us, they carry the same characteristics, mannerisms and, unfortunately, traumas as we do, it’d be impossible for them not to. All of us have experienced some sort of trauma in our lives that we never worked thru and, more times than not, it’s because we weren’t taught how, I know I wasn’t as I was taught to “get over it” or “stop being so sensitive” and act as though nothing was wrong. Just a simple word of advice: actually sit and have conversations with your child about their feelings about situations because not doing so TRULY screws up human beings and their ability to be able to forge healthy relationships in their life.

I am a GenXer who was raised by a Boomer which means my mother was raised with sternness and little nurturing which gave birth to the mindset of “just do what you’re told and don’t make me look bad” and “I’m not your lil friend, I don’t care if you’re sad because someone hurt your feelings, get over it and make sure your space is clean” and this child rearing trickled down to my generation. For me to be bitter or resentful towards my mother would be unfair as she was only able to give me what she had, I can’t fault her for that but I can and am doing differently with my children because that cycle needs to be broken somewhere.

As most know, my mother’s and my relationship was strained for decades which broke my father’s heart and he’d say, “You only have one mother” with the expectation I’d forgive her regardless of what she said or did and, truth be told, I did which didn’t help my mental health. While it’s true we only get one mother, we don’t all get the ones who nurture our spirits, some of us get the ones who teach us where our strengths are by being our first op/bully. Some may not be strong enough to set firm boundaries with a toxic parent because, well, they are our first homes and we only get one, right? But your strength will be revealed and grow when you choose to show up differently for your children than you received as a child. Show up for your babies the way you wish someone had shown up for you. Be great, my loves!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies!! Well, well, would you look here?

We’ve survived another year! Last year, for me, was a lil different because I feel as though so very much happened but, at the same time, not much truly did. I have been very transparent about my healing journey which I finally took seriously and brought you along for the sometimes bumpy ride. My family has experienced a few losses which has taught me that everyone handles death/loss and grieving differently.  For the first time in about 4 years, I was able to share the 2 biggest holidays of the year with both of my daughters, one of which turned out to be an absolute dumpster fire and, by the grace of GOD, the other was a lot smoother. I have come to learn a lot about myself as well as those around me and those visuals haven’t always been the prettiest but truly necessary. If you’ve been here for a while, you know I don’t do New Year’s resolutions because I am a little stubborn and don’t like being told what to do even if I made the list so, get comfy while I recap my year!

In the year of 2023, I finally grasped and embraced the setting of and sticking to boundaries and now stand 10 toes deep on them which doesn’t always please those who made setting them necessary but that is no longer my concern because my primary focus is protecting my mental health at all costs. I have also learned and stuck to “No” being a complete sentence and no longer explain why I don’t want to do something, I just don’t and that’s enough for me and will have to be enough for everyone else. I’m not even going to lie, in the beginning I wasn’t able to stand on my No or any of my boundaries because it felt mean and that’s not who I wanted to be but thru healing, I now understand that it’s not being mean, it’s standing up for and protecting myself. The main thing I learned about boundaries is that it’s not someone else’s responsibility to respect them, it’s up to me to enforce them.

Think about it this way, if they were respecting you properly, would you even need to set a boundary? Setting and sticking to a boundary looks like this: if you tell everyone that you don’t respond to text or phone calls after 9 pm and someone calls you at 9:03 pm and you answer, you’ve violated your boundary, not them.

The losses my family has experienced this year may not have been blood related but they were definitely love related and hurt just the same. There was a loss of someone who, for one reason or another, didn’t like me and quite often went out of her way to show just how much she loathed me. Please don’t get it twisted, the feeling was extremely mutual but when she passed, I still wanted to pay my respects for the loss of life. I was questioned many times over why I would want to attend the funeral of someone I couldn’t stand and I simply said, “It’s not about how I felt about her, she was someone’s mother, wife, daughter, sister, grandmother, etc. She meant something to many people and I’d like to pay my respects for her life”. This is a situation where it’s not about someone else’s understanding of why I feel the way I do; it’s about doing what I feel is right and proper within my soul. Paying respect to those who pass is how I was raised and I will never disrespect those who instilled this in me and not show up. I can’t promise to shed a tear but I will be present to pay respect for the loss of life.

Some may know and others may not but I love to bake, it soothes my soul to see others enjoying something I created. I also am of the mindset that if I can’t unbig my back, I’m bigging everyone else’s. This year, I was given the opportunity to expand my baking abilities as I was challenged to create vegan and gluten-free desserts without being able to tell they were missing any key ingredients. I am no stranger to altering desserts as I was married to a diabetic who loved sweets and I wasn’t about to have him slipping into a coma over some banana pudding so I learned how to make various desserts with a sugar substitute without the aftertaste.

Anyone who knows me also knows I don’t back down from a challenge, it actually makes me work harder to be better and I did just that. I won’t lie, my first vegan cake wasn’t the prettiest but dammit was it moist and delicious! I’d gotten away from baking cakes as COVID exposed how gross people can be so I focused on cupcakes so anyone could just take one and go about their business without breathing on, improperly cutting, or touching a whole dessert. I have also prided myself on my buttercream icing which has become such a hit that I did my very first paid baking gig! My Nana would be so proud as she was a baker and that’s where my love of it stems from.

When I began this journey of self-love and healing, I thought I had to totally do away with my inner Regina George by always being the bigger and more understanding person but trying to stifle my DNA only stagnated my healing. I learned that me being the bigger person in every situation wasn’t healthy as those around me just continued to disrespect and hurt me so, the Mean Girl who had been subdued for way too long was finally able to come to the forefront and handle shit accordingly. Embracing her doesn’t necessarily mean it’s how I handle every situation; it simply means she is always on standby to take care of business and no longer allow myself to be a doormat.

In 2023, I learned that I’ve been lied to for the majority of my life and this one hit hard. If there is one thing I truly hate, it’s a liar as I would rather you hurt me with the truth than disrespect me with a lie. Many don’t understand how one lie can snowball and affect every moment moving forward because everything done in the dark comes to light, you can’t do dirt and think you’ll remain clean.

When you lie to someone, you’re basically saying they’re too stupid to know the truth and I’m far from stupid. My Daddy made sure I understood how shit worked but he also taught me to give them the rope but never tie the noose as they will hang themselves on their own. Trying to maneuver thru life knowing what I know and absorbing what I am continuing to learn about the situation will take a lot of healing to move beyond. The healed part of me wants to confront this person with everything I know to be facts but the little girl inside is terrified of the confrontation and aftermath it will cause so, for now I wait for them to stand on the podium and grasp the rope.

In 2023, I fully embraced being free of human disappointment and absolutely refused to let someone’s dusty ass son disturb my peace. I was chastised for being so quick to dismiss someone for what was viewed as a minor infraction but at Fifty-Onederful I don’t have time or patience to overlook the foolishness and ignorance of grown ass males, I will not explain to a grown ass adult what they did wrong, they already know. I am repeatedly asked if I am dating or have a Boo and my answer isn’t changing anytime soon because I matter more right now. Do I want companionship? Sure, who doesn’t? But I’m not willing to put up with the unnecessary bullshit to have someone to cuddle with, that’s not a fair trade to me anymore. I have put up with way too much from those who either aren’t capable of loving me as I deserve or simply didn’t know how to handle the authenticity of my love and it’s their loss, not mine because I am a Queen worthy of everything who won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.

I’ve not been as present here with my blogs as I should be and truly slacked on any other writing project but in this year of 2024 that’s all changing as I have a lot to say and can do it better thru written word. My challenge to myself is to write at least 2 of the books I have in my mind to completion and publish them as I wasn’t given this gift for no reason and it’s time to shine as my ancestors’ wildest dream come true.

I am wishing you all the happiest, most prosperous, and peaceful year you’ve ever been blessed to experience. With the losses we experienced in 2023, it makes Tomorrow isn’t promised hit that much harder. This year, take a chance on the experiences which make your heart flutter with fear and anxiety as those are the ones worth taking. Be great my loves!

Hey, my lovelies! I hope life has been treating you all well as I’m sure it’s been life-ing for you a bit lately. Today, I would like to speak on a cause/awareness which is very personal to me. The month for its awareness was September but, as we all know, these issues don’t confine themselves to only take place in a 30-day period, it’s a 365-day issue. Seeing as it feels as though September and October both just poked their heads in, said “What’s up” and rolled out, time got away from me but I will be speaking on Suicide Awareness. Grab your beverage of choice, whether it be caffeinated, spirited, or just hydrating and let’s chat.

I have, personally, contemplated taking my own life twice, each time was a totally different kind of heart break but that pain was so deep, I didn’t want to continue on this side of the dirt. I’m willing to revisit the darkest periods of my life and risk my lashes to share my experiences in hopes of helping others know they are not alone in their struggles, we all go thru shit but, unfortunately, not all of us make it to this side. There are opposing views on suicide because there are those who have been ready to slit their wrists with purpose and not for attention and there are those who’ve been left behind due to their loved one’s decision. I can see how some will say it’s a very selfish decision but those are the same people who aren’t experiencing the heart wrenching pain or paralyzing feelings of not being good enough and always bringing drama and pain to the lives of their loved ones.

As you all know, I am happily divorced but there was a point in time that I was a wife struggling to make my husband happy and that struggle, as well as immaturity, caused him to leave me after a mere 15 months of marriage. There aren’t too many people who know or understand how deeply his decision broke me. When he left, I felt like a failure and didn’t want to become a statistic who couldn’t make her marriage last past 2 years. I’m not sure many can understand or relate when I say I, literally, didn’t want to live as the pain and shame were crippling and I felt it would just be easier not to exist anymore, at least then there’d be no more pain. I recall going to my sister’s house to sit while he packed and moved out because I couldn’t bear to watch and, on the way home, my pain caused me to black out with my foot on the gas pedal and I didn’t care, felt it would be easier to just crash.

I may have some choice words and thoughts about my overthinking brain but it saved my life that night because I realized that death was not guaranteed, I could have crashed and become a vegetable which would have caused more strain on my loved ones and I could have killed an innocent person so, I snapped to and reduced my speed from 98 mph to 60 mph. Upon return to our apartment and for the next few weeks, I had nothing but time on my hands to think of the ways I would end my life and went thru every scenario possible that wouldn’t give me an ugly corpse. Yes, even in my darkest moments, I was vain.

When I came to in my car that night, I had so many conflicting thoughts but the one that saved my life is I couldn’t do that to my sister and parents as it wasn’t fair and would be something they’d never recover from. The opposing thought was there would probably be people relieved that they didn’t have to deal with me and all my sensitivity bullshit. I had already had a strong sense of being unworthy of love and the one person who vowed to love me left which only intensified this feeling. I want to state that I wasn’t contemplating taking my life to make my husband feel some type of way or punish him, his feelings weren’t a prominent consideration during this period, my pain of being a failure stood at the forefront ten toes deep. Having been raised in the Baptist church, I am confident when I say that GOD put the images of my broken family in my mind to deter me from committing the one sin you can’t repent from. After 6 months apart, we reconciled and brought forth my heartbeats and reasons for living – my daughters.

As I mentioned, there have been 2 times in my life that I wanted it to end and the second time was when my Daddy died. To those who’ve never lost a parent, I need you to understand how fortunate you are because that is a different kind of pain as it’s literally half of your beginning. My Daddy was my world, best friend, confidant, and unknowing recipient of many of our pranks but took each one in stride with a smile on his face. I could speak for an eternity on the wonderful person he was and have been blessed to come across people who share my feelings of him. Since I viewed him as my hero, his entire journey on his way to the other side came as a shock to me because heroes aren’t supposed to die, I somehow believed him to be immortal but on May 20, 2010 at 12:20 am, that was proven false, he was human just like you and me.

When I received the phone call he’d taken his last breath, I was alone as the girls were with their father for the weekend and I curled into the fetal position in the middle of my bed and begged GOD to take me because I didn’t know how to live without him here on earth with me. As a mother who was newly single, I didn’t have time to go thru scenarios on how to end my life this time because they needed me to be here for them. I will own that I didn’t take the time to properly grieve the loss of my Daddy because I didn’t know how to be the mother my daughters needed and grieve the greatest loss I’d ever experienced at the same time. It has been 13 years and I miss him dearly but am now afraid to grieve as I don’t know if I will be able to recover from breaking that much.

I can say I’m blessed not to have been touched by a loved one actually taking their own life but I have been there for someone who has teetered dangerously close to the edge of ending it all, although I feel blessed to have been there for this person in that period of darkness, I am unable to speak to the actual loss. I can only speak on my own experiences to enlighten others that it’s not truly a selfish act, it is something that person thought long and hard on before they closed their eyes for the final time. I, personally, believe those who view it as selfish react in that manner as they’re in an unmentionable amount of pain and didn’t receive closure. My hopes with sharing my struggles is that you tune into your loved ones more, let them know they are worthy of everything good life has to offer, that they make the world better just by being in it. If you are on the side of struggling to stay on this side of the dirt, I hope you take the time to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself the same you’d tell another who is struggling. I have always been the one to encourage another and help them see every silver lining in their beautiful life but wasn’t able to always see it for myself. Too many times, we put the onus on others for validation when it should come from ourselves first.

Please understand that having these thoughts does not make a person weak, they have just reached a point they feel there is no return. The one thing you can do is listen and not judge as they are constantly judging and blaming themselves, they don’t share with you for you to continue to make them feel like shit. I have spoken many times on mental health and suicide is directly connected. Those who struggle with mental health have people around them downplaying the severity of the struggle as they’ve either never been there or just don’t deal with the dumpster fire going on in their own minds. Also, understand that a person who is struggling isn’t going to reach out to you because they already feel like a burden so it’s important that you check in on your loved ones on a very regular basis. If you or someone you know is struggling, you can find help by dialing 988 on your cell phone. This service is available 24 hours a day to talk, text, or chat. Be great, my loves!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! I know, it’s been a minute and all I can say to that is life and healing have been consuming me lately in ways I was in no way prepared for. These last few months have, literally, been a blur as we are just a few days away from November. The month of October highlights 3 causes which are very close to me as they’ve each touched my life in varying ways. The cause I will be bringing light to and speaking on in this particular blog is Domestic Violence as it was, pretty much, a norm in my childhood home. I would suggest you grabbing a spirited beverage as this one will be heavy and possibly triggering to some as I know it will be for me but I want to bring awareness from both the perspective of a child growing up in the environment who becomes an adult experiencing it first-hand.

Being a GenXer, it’s no secret that I am a child of the 70’s and, unfortunately, domestic violence was very common place during that period. I grew up in an era where PTSD wasn’t acknowledged as being a real and true issues, boys were sent off to fight in a war they had nothing to do with and come home a few years later as biologically grown men scarred with trauma they didn’t know how to handle. There were no grief counselors for those who witnessed their best friends’ deaths or having to take the lives of the enemy, they were just supposed to ‘man up’ and get on with their lives. Yes, I bring up PTSD but not as an excuse to put your hands on another person out of anger, there is no legit excuse for it, I only bring it up to bring awareness to the fact these men fought mental battles most of us could never fathom and had to do it alone while being husbands, sons, fathers, and brothers.

The sounds I heard, bruises on my mother’s face I witnessed, and the tension felt in my childhood home are, unfortunately, images I cannot escape no matter how much I heal and work thru my own traumas. As a child, I was not privy to what the issues were to make my father react out of anger with his fists on the woman he loved, it truly wasn’t my place to know, that was their relationship and grown folks’ business. Since this started when I was very young, around 4 or 5 years old, it seemed normal to me as it was happening in other households. While it may have ‘seemed’ normal to me, it didn’t take away the bubble guts I got when I heard the raised voices in anger followed by the breaking of furniture. I will say that while I never actually witnessed my father hitting my mother, I did hear it along with her pleas for him to stop and then saw the aftermath on her face for the next couple of weeks.

Growing up in a house with domestic violence affected me in more ways than I could ever fathom. The first way it still affects me to this day is that when I hear raised voices, I retreat to that scared little 5-year-old girl and shut down. I am proud to say I handle confrontation better as I have found my voice and it only took me 46 years to do so! Do I still shake and get sweaty when I have to confront someone? I sure do but I find the strength to say what needs to be said and that’s miles from where I was even 5 years ago.

Another way it impacted me was becoming a people pleaser to avoid or even prevent conflict with anyone close to me in an effort for them not to be upset. The people pleasing aspect is something I still struggle with as I never want anyone to feel I’m not there for them but I also have learned to set boundaries because, as always, I’m a work in progress.

Over the course of my life, I have been to multiple therapists as I struggle with a whole lot of mental shit but I will own that I was afraid to actually say what was going on out of fear of having to wear a jacket which makes me hug myself while sitting in a pretty white padded room. The fact I struggled with my own mental health is how I became a victim of domestic violence in my own marriage. It wasn’t until after I was divorced did I realize that domestic violence isn’t just getting your face beaten in, it is also being broken down mentally, verbally, and emotionally by the person who is supposed to love and protect every aspect of your being. Due to the extent of the abuse my mother suffered and experienced, she had no sympathy for me when I shared the trials of my marriage because there were no physical bruises.

Going into my marriage, I struggled with my self-esteem and feelings of worthiness and put all I had to offer into my soon-to-be husband who, at the time of dating, was my protector and place of peace but the switch flipped with 2 simple words: I Do. I will own some of the issues within my marriage because I wasn’t being my authentic self because, if I was, I would have left within the first year but I stayed and tried to be who he wanted me to be as I didn’t want to be a statistic and get divorced within the 1^st year of marriage. My eagerness to appease him must have been like blood to a shark as he capitalized on it and continued to break me because he knew I wouldn’t leave because, well, I couldn’t. My extended family didn’t know of everything I endured until after I was divorced because I felt as though I deserved everything he said to me. Looking back? No, I didn’t deserve to be belittled and lectured for hours on end because his family felt I was either too comfortable as I joked along with them or I was being stand-offish because I had been lectured the week before and was quiet this week.

I lost not only my voice in my marriage, I lost myself. In order to try to be a better wife (I wasn’t a bad one in any sort of the way), I got on antidepressants with the hopes of being the easy-going, meek wife he wanted but that was never going to happen as I was never going to be who he wanted me to be as he didn’t even know who that person was because he didn’t know himself. I have been told not that it couldn’t have all been bad as we have 2 beautiful daughters and people saw us outside of the home and we were happy. Yes, we appeared happy at every outside event because narcissists know how to perform and charm everyone in their presence so, I was always viewed as the ungrateful, problematic spouse.

Due to the trauma which still plagues me from my own childhood, I did everything in my power to make sure my daughters never witnessed the lectures of how displeased their father was with their mother’s actions. We all try to do and be better so our children are better but sheltering them from our issues affected them differently. There was no arguing as what I had to say never mattered and was turned around to make me feel even worse so, if they ever heard anything, they just thought their father was talking to me about his day. The way it has affected my daughters is that one of them feels their father left because she cried too much and the other shuts out people out of fear of getting too close to them and they leave, both have abandonment issues because their father left the home.

Domestic violence comes in many painful shapes and forms, one no lesser than the other as they both break the spirit of the individual experiencing it. The only request I have of each of you is this: if someone trust you enough to share what is going on in their lives, listen and be there for them, never turn a deaf ear to them as that only breaks them more because they feel even more alone and trapped in their situation. Is it hard listening to someone’s traumatic life over and over again? Hell yeah but no matter how easy you may think it is for them to just up and leave, have the understanding that it’s not easy at all. Also have the understanding that just because someone isn’t putting their hands on your loved one while their in the house doesn’t mean they won’t take their life if they try to leave.

If you need someone to talk to because others have turned a deaf ear, I am here to listen. Just because you don’t see bruises doesn’t mean abuse isn’t taking place. Be great, my lovelies!

Hey, hey my Lovelies! Yes, I know it’s been a hot minute since you’ve heard anything from me, I’m still here healing and thriving, life has just been life-ing a bit more than I’m used to. I’ve been attempting to get a life and, to be honest, this shit is a lil exhausting for an introverted hermit because I need time to recharge my energy after peopling and before I can fully recharge, I’m invited somewhere else. What has been saving me is remembering “No” is a complete sentence so, I’ve been using what I’ve learned to continue to have my peace. On one of my outings, I stepped way outside of my box of comfort, aka my home, and went to the movies because my childhood is now on the big screen: Barbie®! Grab yourself a beverage of your choice, spirited, caffeinated, or just soothing, and let’s get into it because it was everything to me.

It probably doesn’t come as a surprise to most that I played with Barbie ® dolls when I was a little girl as most young girls did. I say most because I share parents with someone who loathes everything about her and showed her disdain on a regular basis by beheading or removing limbs from my precious dolls. I am a GenXer and a light skinned Black woman and during that time, there were only two shades of the iconic doll: blonde hair with blue eyes or extremely dark with shorter, kinky hair. Yes, I was raised to be a proud, Black child and woman but every little girl wants a doll that looks like her so, my parents bought the blonde one as her skin color was closer to mine. At my young age, I didn’t care because I was able to use my imagination to create a wonderful life for her and Ken and dress her up in her fancy or casual clothes, depending on what the day had in store for her. Yes, my parents also bought me Ken because, well, they’re a couple and you can’t have one without the other.

As you know, I love my daughters with every fiber of my being and can’t explain the level of excitement as well as anxiety I experience when they were old enough to introduce them to

My excitement was because I now had adult money and was able to afford to buy the dream house, her remote-control car, and more clothes than was probably healthy that my parents weren’t able to for me but the anxiety came from the possibility they wouldn’t share the love for her that I did. I will admit it was a little selfish because I used them as my reason to restock my lost collection of dolls and was in awe walking down the aisle and seeing the wide range of shades of the icon and was elated at being able to buy my girls dolls that looked like them. To some, this may not be a big deal but the inclusivity was a huge deal for my inner child who had to choose the doll who was closer to her skin color instead of her true ethnicity.  I can’t explain the joy my inner child jumped with when I saw the love for her in the eyes of my children and, I’ve come to learn, she inspired them just as much, if not more than me. My only peeve about my getting them the dolls, clothes, and accessories was the fact she was always naked regardless of how many multi-packs of clothes and shoes were purchased.

I will admit that I used to love going to the movies as it was a full experience with the nice chairs, large over-buttered popcorn with M&Ms ® poured in and just being able to forget about my troubles for about 2 hours but COVID ruined it for me. As much as I hate being around people and their germs, I was excited to go and see my iconic doll on the big screen and not one bit of it disappointed. I went with a male friend of mine who is younger and, well, a guy so he didn’t get why I smiled thru the majority of the movie. My smile was plastered on my face because of the authenticity of the movie, it was as though they took the time to tap into the brains of all little girls and made everything to absolute perfection so, regardless of age, everyone could appreciate what she truly means to us. In speaking to him after the movie, I explained why it meant everything to me and he stated he felt the same about Transformers® and I realized at that moment that, regardless of gender, Hollywood has created movies which speak directly to our inner children and I hope they understand how much that means to us.

While the movie was very light-hearted, cute, and authentic, there was also a deep message which spoke directly to each and every female because we felt seen and understood. I can’t speak on how or if it hits men the same way but I hope it gives them a better understanding of how hard yet wonderful it is to be a female. As little girls, teenage girls, young adult women, and grown women we are faced daily with trying to perfect and maintain the multi-faceted dualities of what’s expected of us and it still never being enough. To give an example, here’s a quote from the movie “You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you!”

The light shone on the struggles of being a woman was damn near blinding but it was also so warm because, finally, someone not only got us but shared it with the world. I would say in this day and age but our appearance, whether drop dead gorgeous, average, or less attractive has always been a gauge on how we’re treated but it’s a double-edged sword because if you’re pretty, other women are threatened by you and fear they will lose their partner to you and, on the other side of that coin, if you’re less attractive, you’re the subject of ridicule and nasty comments. While I will agree that feeling another woman is somehow competition has something to do with your own insecurities, those insecurities were instilled in us at a very young age because the little girl with the perfect curls, new clothes, and brilliant smile seemed to garner more attention from the boys and all the other girls just wanted to be around her because she was pretty. Unfortunately, if you were less attractive or odd looking, no one wanted to be your friend regardless of how pure and wonderful your heart was.

There is also an unrealistic stigma on weight for females which, apparently, doesn’t exist for males because they are content walking on chicken legs with a belly bigger than a woman in her 3^rd trimester. It wasn’t until I was having a conversation with my sister did I finally understand this too is a double-edged sword because I was ‘healthier’ and she looked as though my parents never fed her.

While I was never obese, I struggled with my weight because I thought I was supposed to look like my extremely thin sister as I thought she had it easier due to her looking cute in clothes bought from a store that didn’t carry my size. I struggled so much to gain the approval of my mother that I became anorexic and, by the time I got some help, I was 5’7” and weighed a whopping 97 lbs. but I was thin and could finally share my sister’s clothes. Granted, the clothes didn’t look the same on me as they did her because I am not built to be that small, I just looked sick but, in my mind’s eye, I looked good because, again, I was thin. I have since come to learn that she was ridiculed and talked about for being TOO thin! So, let me get this straight, we’re expected to be thin, but not too thin but also have curves but not too many because then we’re deemed as fat so we have to struggle to find the perfect in-between weight, shape, and size regardless of how miserable we are eating a leaf of lettuce with 1 tbs of dressing to maintain said shape?

Wait, who are we doing this for again? Some will say we’re doing it for the attention of men but the reality is we’re also doing it to feel accepted by our own gender and not slandered for having a little pudge.  

As empowering as this movie is for females, it seems to have bruised some male egos simply because it empowered women, make it make sense.

So, we can struggle internally with the stupid, unrealistic standards of society but have to remember to stay quiet and never share the struggle with other women to let them know they’re not alone? I think not! Let’s follow in the footsteps and mindset of the icon Barbie® as she was never threatened by a new Barbie®, she embraces all versions of herself with love and acceptance. Regardless of how others have made you feel, you are beautiful inside and out, never stop shining and get comfortable in your skin. Be great, my loves!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! A little over a week ago, I celebrated my 51^st trip around the sun and have been reflecting on all that has transpired in my life since hitting the milestone of turning half a century. Although what I did/didn’t do on that day would seem extremely boring to most, it soothed my simple soul and reminded me of how much I have truly grown since last year. I awoke with every intention of treating myself to breakfast at my new favorite spot but those plans were beautifully derailed by the many phone calls wishing me a Happy Birthday.

I did get to the restaurant but never ate because there was a mess up on their end and I left because I knew I was capable of snapping and that was not going to be how my day started. I decided to do a little retail therapy before figuring out where else I would feed myself but the rudeness of people were still trying to steal my joy but, again, it was not happening on my special day. I ran some necessary errands and brought my high yella ass home and ate and, apparently, the aggravation people were putting upon me was merely me being hangry.

This time last year, I was 6 months in of getting my feet wet at what I deemed to be my dream job. Well, a year later, there are aspects which have made me wonder if it’s a dream or nightmare but the good has been outweighing the bad because I’m grown enough to know there’s going to be drama and bullshit at any job, nowhere is perfect. In this one year, I’ve been promoted, received more responsibility, more money, and had the opportunity to travel quite a bit but with all those perks, I still have to deal with the middle school antics of insecure females. I have actually had the passing thought of leaving but then hear my Daddy’s voice saying, “Don’t ever let someone run you out of a place you rightly belong. Remember, your presence makes them uncomfortable, never the other way around” and suck it up, look at the positives, keep my head to the sky, and feel grateful for my opportunity to shine.

Until last year, I’d never taken off for my birthday as I was raised to not waste my leave and being off without plans is wasteful to me. But, last year, I felt my milestone was worthy of my leave and made plans to do something I enjoyed which was going to and spending the day at an art museum downtown and I was excited. My mistake was not checking the calendar because I learned the hard way that my special day also fell on Good Friday which meant there was an exuberant number of tourists in the city because everyone was out of school. I was still hopeful that my peace wouldn’t be disturbed because what teenager wants to walk around a usually quiet art museum, right? Well, it felt like all of them because it was warm outside and cool in the museum. I spent about 2 hours looking at art with my ear buds in before I could take no more, ordered my Lyft ®, came home, and poured myself a nice glass of wine. Even though other people’s children and ignorance had irritated me, it didn’t disturb my peace as I’d chosen to do what I wanted to do for myself on my special day.

One of the best things that has transpired in the last year is the repairing of and blossoming relationship with my Mommie. Anyone who knows me also knows that our relationship was a strained one for about 4 decades or so, it wasn’t pretty nor was it what either of us truly wanted but it was what it was. This time last year we were 2 months into having had a very hard and explosive discussion which oddly cleared up every misconception I’d had about her and opened my eyes to how much our lives are parallel to one another. I’ve always known my mother was a strong woman and didn’t think I could respect her any more for still standing after all she’s been thru until that clearing conversation. I am so grateful and proud to say I speak to my mother about every other day whereas 14 months ago, I had anxiety about her staying with me for 8 straight days as we’d never spent more than a couple of hours with it being jus the 2 of us. I used to think being like my mother was detrimental to my spirit but I now take pride in our similarities and embrace them fully.

This time last year, I was finally settling in to being an empty nester and enjoying waking up to everything being where it was supposed to be but also missing waking up with the responsibility of being a Mommie to my girls. Welp, a year later, still enjoying the empty nester lifestyle and loving the growing relationships I have with both of my daughters. Being a parent is a beautiful experience because you are there when these wonderful humans enter the world and blessed to watch them grow and develop into intelligent, responsible, and respectful young adults who, if you’re lucky, turn into your friends. The hardest part of your children growing up is standing by as they struggle with adulting without jumping in to pull them back under your wings of protection. When you’ve been a present parent, if your child hurts, you hurt worse and will do whatever it takes to make it stop but also know you have to let them experience life. As a proud Mommie, I can say my girls are doing fabulous and only getting better and stronger with each passing moment.

I decided to take this self-healing journey seriously last year and put in the work it takes to heal from all the shit I put myself thru and happened to me and I chose to bring you along on the journey. I foolishly stepped on this path with the mindset and expectation it would be like floating on ethereal clouds with a constant smile on my face because I’d only seen healed people and that’s the energy they exuded.  No one mentioned snot nosed crying sprees from the release of healing traumas nor talked about how many people you lose along the journey because you learn to set and stick to boundaries for your mental health. I thought that with all the years of therapy I’d been in, I wouldn’t have a lot of stuff to heal but it’s been proven that’s a lie.

Yes, therapy helped me at that time to identify some of my traumas but life kept happening and more traumas were added and simply put on the back burner as I had to take care of my children and try to prevent them from accumulating traumas as I had. I opted to take this journey without the assistance of therapy because it is something I needed to do on my own, I didn’t need guidance or someone to say, “How does that make you feel?” because I’d probably respond with “Like shit! How do you THINK it feels?!” and I don’t regret one moment of it. The one thing I will say about this self-love/self-healing stuff is once you begin to heal, your tolerance of bullshit, drama, and toxic people/environments is extremely low and you’re able to dismiss people and situations at the first red flag. It’s amazing how easy it is to now see the unhealed and keep your distance from them as to not disturb your peace.

I was supposed to be getting a life at this point last year but have become even more of hermit who doesn’t leave the house unless it’s to go to work or run errands because I’m more easily irritated with other people. There are the occasions when I take myself to breakfast or do some brick-and-mortar retail therapy but other than that, I get my money’s worth for the amount I pay and enjoy my home while binge watching ratchet reality television. I’m not going to lie, I’m beginning to scare myself a lil bit with the amount of time I spend in the house and away from others but I’m doing what I feel is best for me right now. I am fully aware that I am heal-ing and not heal-ed which means the ability to spazz is ever present.

I know as a woman I’m supposed to be afraid of getting older but I truly love this shit, every year I sink deeper into this bath of unapologetic realness and it’s amazing! Cheers to me on this, my 51st born day and Happy Birthday to my Mommie who went thru a lot bring me into this world and even more not to take me out of it! Be great, my loves!

Hey my Lovelies! Yes, I know, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve posted anything but with new work responsibilities comes less time to sit with my thoughts. If I’m being totally honest, there was a stretch when I wasn’t okay but am so very happy to say that, at this moment, I’m good. During my not so okay moments, I had time to go internal and check myself in areas that shouldn’t be affected by the ignorance of others or even myself and it was reiterated how different we all are in every facet of life, regardless if we are raised in the same household or become best friends or lovers. It doesn’t matter the subject at hand and it’s usually not a loud, screaming difference which makes us feel we’re alike when we may just have a similar upbringing or mindset due to life experiences.

I speak often of how single I am but also how comfortable I am in my status but I’ve come to learn that how I’m choosing to be single doesn’t resemble what others think it should be. First and foremost, unless someone is providing at least 2 of the essential F’s in my life, that opinion doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. I have chosen to take time to learn who I am at this stage of my life and heal from all the bullshit I’ve put myself thru by being involved with individuals who didn’t know how to love and appreciate me. I have never been the type to get under someone to get over someone else, it is just not in me, I’m not emotionally built like that but I know quite a few people who jump from situationship to situationship to avoid feeling the pain of a broken relationship. If you are someone who is able to share your body without emotional attachment, more power to you and I wish you nothing but hookups without heartbreak.

When I say I don’t have time, tolerance, or patience for bullshit, I mean it with every fiber of my being because I am quick to dismiss or ghost someone when I see the first red flag as I’ve loved people thru them and ended up empty and broken as I poured and poured everything I had into someone who didn’t feel the need or desire to pour into me. Apparently, me being this way is taboo and some believe I should put up with foolishness that doesn’t sit right with me as to no longer be single like it’s a disease and the only way to survive is having a partner, shitty or not. Due to my readiness to quickly be done with someone after that first ick, I was recently told “That’s why you can’t keep a man”. Ummm, ‘scuze me?

Were there times in my life when I thought I needed to be in some sort of relationship, regardless of how shitty and uncommitted it was, just not to be alone because it made me feel more inadequate as a woman to be single? Yep, there sure were but that was then and healing me is not having that shit anymore. I used to hold onto people who weren’t worthy of me with a white knuckled grip and still cried myself to sleep on a regular basis because my heart was constantly breaking and they didn’t care as I always made myself available to and for them. The reality is, you don’t ‘keep’ anyone, people stay for a number of reasons and the harsher reality is most of those reasons aren’t because they are so in love with you.

I’ve come to learn and realize from my own experiences, as well as watching others, that people stay together more out of convenience and comfort than love. How many times have you heard someone say, “It’s just easier to stay because we’ve been together for so long” or “It’s cheaper to keep her” or “I’m comfortable”? I refuse to settle with someone for the mere fact we have a financially comfortable lifestyle or because I don’t feel like having to get to know someone new, I want to be in love with my best friend as we continue to grow and build together and others feel our happiness just from being around our energy. If we’re just getting to know one another and red flags pop up, what the hell is going to happen if I ignore the flags and move forward, do you really think they’re going to just *POOF* disappear? Hell no, they’re going to multiply and I’ll mentally be back at square 1 and I can’t be Big Bertha’s bitch while sporting unflattering prison orange because I kirked out and was violent with someone’s dusty ass son, I am healing, not yet healed.

It all comes down to what works for you and being okay with it not meshing with other people but more importantly, we have to respect one another’s choice and not judge or criticize how they choose to heal and live. Some may find it difficult to believe but I remain silent about a lot I see and don’t agree with as that’s their choice. Trust me, it’s not easy keeping my mouth shut because I am very opinionated and protective of those I care about but having had more unwarranted opinions about my choices voiced to me than necessary and never wanting to create stress, drama, and tension with someone I care about makes it easier to just not say anything.  

If you’re single and choose to be a hermit? Do you. If you are single and choose to THOT it out every once in a while? Do you and them. I say all of this to say, do what works for you, don’t settle for someone who doesn’t make your heart soar or someone who’s breathing makes rage rise up in you or settle for someone just not to be single because you’ll be absolutely miserable and that’s no way to spend your life at any age. I believe everyone’s person is out there and own that I probably ghosted mine at some point and that’s fine because I am loving me. Your relationship status doesn’t define you and defines you less if you’re in one for the wrong reasons. Be great my loves!

Hey, my Lovelies! I was recently having a conversation with a friend and realized I must have been born in the wrong era because my morals, ethics, and beliefs don’t align with today’s societal ways. I will tell anyone how much of an old-fashioned woman I am and stand 10 toes firm on my standards and beliefs as straying from them to ‘fit in’ with society’s jankety ways doesn’t sit well with my spirit and I also feel I’d be disappointing my lineage if I didn’t stay the course of what they worked so hard to create for and within me. I, personally, believe that simple and authentic human decency is a treasure that has been lost among us.

It amazes me how far we’ve strayed from being just good humans to one another, in this day and age, people are all about self to the point when someone does something from the kindness of their heart, it’s viewed as some sort of scam or an attempt to get over on another. There are so many facets to human decency, it doesn’t just pertain to helping an elderly person cross a busy street or picking up a child’s toy in a grocery store. Even these simple acts of kindness are sometimes questioned or met with looks of fear and words of anger for having the audacity to help. We have also been tainted and dissuaded from helping another because the number of people preying on the kindness of others has skyrocketed and we no longer know or believe who is truly in need.

Do I give money to every homeless person I see? Honestly, no I do not but that’s not because my heart is cold, it’s mainly because I very rarely ever have cash on me. I have been questioned as to why I would give them money and told they’re just going to buy drugs or liquor with it but, the reality is, that’s not my cross to bear. When I offer $1 to someone who appears in need, if they use it to cause further destruction in their lives, that’s on them as it didn’t come with rules, regulations, or stipulations. How would you feel if your employer required a detailed list of how you planned to spend every cent of the paycheck you worked for? Yes, I know some will argue that you worked for that paycheck while negating the fact that the countless homeless vets worked and risked their lives for this country. Looking out for one another and more for those in need is truly a treasure that has been lost in this selfish society.

I hate the fact that it’s become such a common place thing in our lives to hear a youth has been senselessly shot and killed and no longer feel any sort of empathy or rage that we’re slowly losing a generation to violence. I live in the DC metro area and I do what I can to avoid watching the news as it’s filled with nothing but stories of gun violence and it’s getting bolder and bolder as they’re no longer waiting until nightfall, they don’t care. I’m old enough to remember when DC was called Dodge City because the drug game and violence seemed to be out of hand but at least then they were keeping it among themselves whereas now, no one is safe when children just trying to ride a bus home from school end up getting shot because biological adults don’t know how to act and pull out a gun with the mindset it will solve the problem. When did we get to the point that we can’t even enjoy nice weather by having lunch at a café while sitting outside without having to worry about someone having beef and shooting the place up? The lack of human decency to care about devastating a family by killing their loved one because they crossed over into ‘your territory’, which is in absolutely no way yours, is truly a lost treasure.

I remember growing up with the understanding I had to be on, at least, good behavior at all times because my village was always watching and would report back to my parents if I decided to act like an untrained circus monkey at any time. For those who may be unaware, the village I speak of is comprised of family, friends, and neighbors who knew and respected my parents. The beauty of having a village caused us to be always accountable for our actions as we didn’t just have to answer to our parents, we had discussions with the one who caught us and then took what they witnessed to our parents. I am 50 years old and still very mindful of how I act because I learned the hard way how many people know my family when my behavior got back to my mother and I was questioned and chastised on how I ”was raised better than that”.

With my grandfather having been the principal in a school for 30 years, everyone in that small town knew all generations of my family, there was no getting black out drunk and acting a complete ass or mouthing off to a cashier or bullying anyone as it got back home before I did. Again, the treasure of a village kept my ass in check and built a foundation to be mindful of my actions at all times regardless if I recognized every face in an establishment because there would always be that one person who recognized me even if I’d never met them because my family has strong genes. No matter how much my sister wants to believe I was adopted, I can’t dispute my lineage and blood line, I look too much like both sides of my family to attempt to get away with anything.

If you’ve been here for a while, you know I can’t mention the loss of the treasure of human decency in relationships. I am dollar bill single and am comfortable with the fact I will probably remain this way because I don’t have the time, tolerance, or patience for the lack of respect men have for women. I was raised with the old school understanding the man is the pursuer, if you want to talk to and get to know me, come correctly and that means, don’t expect me to come over to your table to strike up a conversation and buy you a drink. I have had this conversation with a couple of men over the years and it’s another area I stand 10 toes firm on. When did men get soft as baby shit and whine about wanting to be pursued?

If I have to make the first move because you’re in your feminine energy, when does it stop? When do you put your big boy pants on and put in effort to make plans and be consistent with it? So many men want a woman to be submissive without having an understanding of how to lead because if they knew how to lead, they’d know their woman would submit with no conversation, resistance, or conflict, it comes naturally. No, I am not putting all of this on men as women haven’t helped make the situation any better because they’ve stepped into the masculine energy and believe they can do the same thing as men and, in my opinion, it doesn’t work that way. Have females had to learn how to do more things on their own in life due to the lack of a strong male? Yes, we sure have but sometimes we take it too far to the point we make a man feel as though they’re neither needed or appreciated.  If there was still human decency in relationships, side pieces wouldn’t be so prevalent and glorified, they’d be shamed.

I can’t tell you how we got away from being good and decent to one another but I can tell you I don’t like it and make sure my children still display it in every form. Being a decent human being doesn’t mean you have to go broke or be broken to help another, it simply means doing what you feel is right in your spirit. I can only speak for myself when I say this is how I was raised and understand everyone wasn’t raised like me but I do have faith my generation shares this understanding. I refuse to let my human decency be a lost treasure as I will hold onto it with a white knuckled grip because anything less negates the efforts and struggles of my lineage to be and do better with each generation.  The lack of human decency in today’s society stems from a lot of unhealed trauma and heartbreak and, I believe, once we learn how to heal, this may not be a treasure which is forever lost. Be great, my Loves!

Hey my Lovelies! Well, here we are, the last hours of the last day of the year 2022, how did yours go? Did you get/achieve all you’d hoped to or were you disappointed in how life played out for you? I have come to learn that, essentially, shit happens and how it affects you moving forward is your choice, it will either make you better or bitter, what did you choose? For me, this year has had some ups and downs but I don’t regret any of it as it continued to shape me into the Queen I was created to be from day one, just took a lil longer than it should have as I’m hard headed and insist on doing things my way but this year I got out of my own way and let life bless me. As I’ve stated before, I don’t make resolutions for the new year as I have a very hard time sticking to a list of things to do, more like a refusal as I have an issue being told what to do even if I am the one who made the list. Instead of making a list of things I know I’ll never do, I like to take time to reflect on the last 12 months of my life and all I’ve been thru, learned, and experienced and this year is no different.

I am very happy to announce that I fell in love in 2022. I know some of you may be perplexed as I’m always boasting about how happy I am to be single but, it’s true, I fell in love with someone I’ve known my whole life. This Queen is not perfect and has her flaws but worthy of everything I have to give, she’s viewed as a little odd in the eyes of most but that’s what makes her that much more intriguing and appealing to me, she has been thru a lot of shit in her life but that doesn’t take away from the wonderful, loving, and caring person she is, she is a smart ass but her wit tickles and is endearing to me, and she believed her traumas and what has happened to her made her weak and unwanted but seeing how she has survived what would’ve broken most makes me admire her strength that much more. Who is this fandamntastic woman who has stolen my heart? She is me and I will go to the ends of the earth and do everything in my power to protect her as I’ve done quite the shitty job in the past but she is worth the fight and no longer taking a backseat to anyone who doesn’t appreciate all she is and has to offer.

In the year of 2022, I turned half a century and learned a lot about myself to include what I do/don’t want, what I deserve, and that I won’t settle for less than I want, desire, or deserve from anyone. Turning 50 changed me in ways I wasn’t truly prepared for but embraced fully as it just feels good and right. I used to say all the time that I didn’t have a filter but year 50 made that an absolute reality as some things that come out of my mouth shock me as well as the person hearing it and I’m not even sorry. It may have taken me 50 years but I finally understand and grasp the fact that No is a full and complete sentence as I’ve said and stood firmly in it without offering any explanation which used to turn into me giving in but that version of me is no more. The most important thing I’ve learned about myself is that I am enough just as I am, no longer shrinking myself to accommodate someone else’s feelings or opinions of me, either you vibe with me or you don’t, I promise I’m not losing sleep over it anymore. Turning the big 5-0 brought clarity and a realization that the only thing in my life I will force is my jeans over my ass, not relationships nor friendships, just jeans.

At this stage of my life, the most important thing to me is my peace, I’ve worked too hard to obtain it and am not willing to sacrifice it for anyone. For most of my life, I have been a people pleaser for others in belief they’d stay in my life as long as conformed to what they wanted me to be without realizing how much of myself I had to sacrifice to appease the people who wouldn’t do the same for me. I am no longer pouring all of myself into others who are too selfish to pour back into me and this has forced me to create boundaries and cut people out of my life. Was this a hard lesson to learn? Hell yeah because all I knew how to do was dim my own light as I was afraid of someone being upset with me for simply being me. At this point in my life, my peace is way too important to be disturbed by the temper tantrum of a grown ass adult who doesn’t get their way with no regard to my feelings. This lesson was also hard because some of the people I held closest, now have to be kept at arm’s length to protect my mental health and peace.

This year I decided to be a lot more transparent about mental health and my struggles with it as I know I’m not alone but that’s not the only reason I’ve shared as I have this year. I share the signs and struggles of mental health issues as there are many who made another’s worse by dismissing how serious it was by labeling it as being ‘in a mood/funk’ when they were unable to deal with anything life related. I speak on it in hopes someone will gain an understanding of what it’s like to be happy and joyful one day and barely able to get out of bed the next.

Like most of you, I was raised that it wasn’t okay not to be okay, we just had to push thru all of the bullshit that came our way regardless of how soul crushing it was. My transparency has opened the door to many conversations and promises from others to be accountable and learn more in order to be more supportive but my eyes were opened with the understanding people learn what they want when they want and will regress when they are held to the fire. It is what it is, no one else’s stagnation and refusal to grow will stunt my growth.

This year, I took my self-love and healing journey seriously and even dedicate one day a week to my self-care. On this journey, I have healed parts of myself I had previously been too scared to revisit out of fear of being broken to the point of a meltdown but it was worth it as my spirit actually feels lighter without that unhealed pain weighing it down. What I wasn’t prepared to discover was how much my confidence has grown since I stepped on this path, no longer do I enter a room and try to be invisible out of fear of what others may think or say about me.

I have come to the understanding that I am not intimidating in the least and if someone is intimidated by me, that’s not my issue, it’s theirs. I have always liked my clothes but this year, I stepped out of my comfort zone of black and loose-fitting items and embraced my womanly curves tastefully. Yes, I have to add ‘tastefully’ as some embrace their curves by putting everything on display and looking like they earn their money by standing on a corner and providing services for fees and that ain’t me. My increased confidence has afforded me opportunities at work as I received a promotion which affords me the ability to travel more and, even though I’m busting my ass on travel, the experience is well worth the work.

I’m not a planner but I have a legit reason for it: I was raised that if you ever wanted to hear GOD laugh, tell HIM your plans. Being someone with O.C.D., taking the time and effort to intricately plan things with any moving parts will wreck my psyche as it rarely turns out exactly as the vision I have in my mind and then I feel as though I failed and then I begin to spiral so, I don’t make a lot of plans unless I have absolute and complete control over it. I have let go of trying to control each and every aspect of my daughters’ lives and let them grow into the wonderful women they are meant to be as I know I laid a solid foundation for them to build upon.

Has 2022 been a bit of a doozy? Yep, it sure has but you’ve awakened each day on this side of the dirt with another chance to do and be better, don’t waste it. Every day isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows, there will be some darkness but you have the choice to sit in it or understand shit happens and get on with your life, choose wisely as tomorrow’s not promised to anyone. Enjoy your New Year’s Eve celebrations responsibly and make 2023 even better than 2022, you’ve got this! Be great, my Loves!

Hey, my Lovelies. As I was sitting at work today, my daughter text me to inform me that a well-loved celebrity had passed away. This individual wasn’t your typical celebrity as we watched him start from the bottom on So You Think You Can Dance and it took him more than one time to make it to the finals. I will be the first to admit that I’m not usually impressed with some of the latest dances as most look foolish but this artist was captivating because his personality lit up the room more than his crisp dance moves. He was a street/hip hop dancer but had the determination and drive to be so much more and he was. He went on to the semi-finals which opened the doors to movies, television, and choreography for some of the biggest names in music. He met his wife on the set of the show and they share 3 beautiful children. My heart breaks having to type that he took his life at the young age of 40 years old. From the outside looking in, it appeared he had everything anyone could dream to have but inside, he wasn’t okay.

Stories like this are why I speak so much on the importance of mental health and understanding it’s okay not to be okay but, it’s not okay to stay stuck there alone. Yes, I know it’s easier for some to say than for it to actually be done but I’ve been there more than once. I don’t know about you but I wasn’t raised to know it was okay not to be okay, I was raised to push thru any issues and get on with life because I had shit to do. I don’t fault anyone in my upbringing who taught me to do this as they were none the wiser as it’s what they were taught to handle trials and tribulations in their lives. So many times, we look at our elders and all we see is strength because they pushed thru every dark period of their lives because they had shit to do, no one ever took the time to ask, “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about anything?” or suggest they take a day or few to themselves to refill their empty cup. My elders weren’t raised to know they could take a moment to handle their mental health, taking a break when things got heavy was a sign of weakness and it’s still that way with some people today.

To some, choosing suicide is a very selfish act and, to a degree, they are absolutely correct because of the pain caused to those we leave behind with so many unanswered questions and possible guilt. In my opinion, it is viewed as selfish by those who’ve never been to the point where you just want the internal pain to stop, you want the sadness to lift, you want the thoughts of unworthiness to stop, you want to be able to just cry but can’t because you have others looking up to you for your strength and smile. As I stated before, yes, I’ve been at the point I didn’t want to exist anymore and thought about how I would do it but there were a couple of things which stopped me: #1 going to hell for eternity and #2 I couldn’t do that to my Daddy, Mommie, sister and, later in life, my daughters as I knew it would have absolutely destroyed them. My statement is not to negate the fact that there are many who have loved ones who are destroyed by their sudden absence but, trust me, it does get that bad sometimes where you feel as though you’re doing them a favor by unaliving yourself.

We are all busy with our daily lives but that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to just check in on those we love and care about because many are dealing with these types of thoughts and just hearing your voice can bring them back from the brink. If you don’t know what it’s like to wake up every day unable to find anything to spark joy in your heart as a dark cloud hovers over your entire being while you struggle to just exist and function with a semblance of normalcy, consider yourself lucky and blessed. What most don’t understand is that the one person in your life who always goes out of their way to make others laugh and smile or ensure they’re taken care of is the person who is struggling the most. The one who is always looking out for others does so to ease their darkness as seeing others smile and feel loved is enough to get them through another day.

The harsh reality is that we can spend every waking hour with someone and never see their pain because they don’t want to burden you with what they deem as insignificant worries and troubles. When you’re in a dark place, you feel worthless and as though no one would care what you’re going thru as they would only point out all the great things you have going for you. No amount of money or material things will soothe a hurting spirit and, most times, you can’t put into words what is wrong because you yourself don’t know, you just know you’re not okay.

While it is okay not to be okay, it’s not okay to suffer in silence and alone. I understand you may feel as though you don’t have anyone to talk to and that’s fine, grab a pen and some paper and write it out, you’ll be amazed how cathartic it is to just get it out. I do not have the all the answers on how to get from under the dark cloud as everyone’s journey is different, I can only speak on what has worked for me with the understanding it can change at any given time and I’ll have to make adjustments to pull myself back up. Your mental health is your responsibility as no one lives in your head and thoughts but you. If you feel yourself stuck in the darkness and as though nothing is going your way, make that brave move and find someone to speak with, preferably a professional as your friends and family aren’t trained in the way to help you thru this and their love for you will make them biased and you’ll fake being okay so they don’t worry.

If no one told you today, I am proud of you for how far you’ve come even if you’re not where you want to be, you’re not where you were. Be great, my Loves.

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my sister about our very different interactions and experiences with each of our parents. The different versions we each received from them would have an outsider firmly believing we didn’t even share the same parents, not to mention being raised in the same household, as that’s how much it varied between the two of us. I’d be telling a bold face lie if I said there wasn’t a time in my life, well, most of my life, when I didn’t envy the relationship and bond my mother and sister share but I’ve come to learn and understand that our parents knew their uniquely different children at their core and gave the version which would best serve each of us.

Let’s start with the version of our mother I received, shall we? I got the strait-laced, no holds barred, takes shit from no one, never a hair out of place, the pure embodiment of dignity, grace, and strength who commanded respect of every room she has ever walked into, and never cursed around or drank with me. Yes, that’s the mother I experienced and the woman I still call Mommie at 50 years of age as that’s who she is to me, it doesn’t feel natural to call her Ma, Momma, or Mom. I feel safe in saying that most of you were told, “I am your mother, not one of your lil friends” and she stuck to that like super glue! Yes, I am 50 years old and my mother still doesn’t really curse around me unless she is severely pissed and is the reason that, no matter how much I may want to, I don’t use the F-word in any of my blogs, I’m still scared she’ll appear and smack the cowboy piss out of me.

The version of our mother my sister received was more laid back as, on the surface, they appear to be alike and have more in common. My mother and sister both ride motorcycles and my sister became a member of the all-female motorcycle club my mother created which meant they experienced a lot more things than my mother and I ever would as I’m too uptight and prissy to endure some of their adventures.

My mother and sister have regularly drank together as they both like beer whereas I prefer liquor or wine. Who my mother is with my sister is the throw on a t-shirt and some jeans with a baseball cap on to go to the store or wherever but, with me, she puts on ensemble which matches from head to toe, does her hair, and grabs a jacket that matches the outfit. Damn, I’m starting to sound all the way adopted! I digress. From my perspective, they were friends as whenever my sister needed my mother, she would go running to be by her side and I got lectured for not doing better and able to do for myself.

Some are aware that my mother and I had a very strained relationship for most of my life but I’ve come to understand I was part of the problem as I let my envy of their relationship build a wall that was damn near impossible to penetrate or cross. I lived in ego and felt she ‘liked’ my sister more than me which lead me to feeling unworthy of being liked by my mother. Yeah, that’s not the case, not even a little bit and it saddens me that so much time was wasted being at odds with one another but am happy we are no longer wasting 1 minute of the time we have left. I always said my mother didn’t know me but that too is a lie because my mother knew me enough as her child to give me the version of herself which would serve me best and knew I didn’t need the version my sister got.

Please don’t get it twisted, my mother and sister haven’t always had an ideal relationship as they are Scorpion women and would go at it hard as my sister is a rebel who danced around every line my mother ever drew for us. Me, on the other hand, absolutely feared the woman who birthed me and ruled with an iron fist, I knew she wasn’t one to play with. My sister will say that my mother was afraid of me because I was so sensitive but I don’t view it that way as there’s nothing anyone could say that would make me believe my mother ever feared me, that just doesn’t sit right with my spirit. I will say that my mother understood her child was sensitive and didn’t want to upset her. Let me throw this in there as well because I believe in transparency: I also had quite the instant attitude if I thought I was going to be told No and no one wanted to deal with my mean ass most of the time so, I just got my way.

Yes, I was a brat, there’s no way around it and I own it. My mother knew that dealing with my sister was a battle but to fully deal with me would be a long-drawn-out war because, truth be told, I am just like her as we are strong minded women who are unwavering in our views, we just happen to be on opposite ends of the subject most times.

After the conversation I had with my sister, I thought about the relationships I have with my daughters and own I have handled them differently as they are very unique in their personalities, what works for one would never work for the other. I have my oldest who is a former tomboy recluse who loves video games and solitude and then there’s my fashion diva who shares the latest makeup and hair trends while binge watching my ratchet reality shows with me. I share the versions of myself which will best serve them at that specific time in their life but, as they’ve gotten older, they now get pretty much the same version of me………. I think.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I can’t call the oldest and have a tea spilling session about the latest scandal on RHOP ® because she doesn’t care, not even a little bit. Even though they are vastly different young women, I take an interest in what makes their face light up when they speak about it. I respect them both enough not to force them to take an interest in what grabs my attention if it’s not their thing, I give them space to formulate their own opinion and we move forward from there.

Sharing different versions of ourselves isn’t just contained to who we are with our children, we do this with every relationship we have in our lives. Think about who you are at work versus who you are when you’re out with friends, are they the same person? There will be some who say they’re the same regardless of who is or isn’t around and I just don’t believe that to be true. I don’t believe that the person who got drunk enough to dance on a table the other night would show that same energy and persona in her board meeting on a Tuesday, they are not the same and that’s okay. Many will say that if you’re one way with this person or that person, you’re being fake and not your true, authentic self and I don’t follow that line of thinking. I believe we show the side we are comfortable with those in our presence and it varies by who is around.

Everyone doesn’t deserve the same version of you as there will be some in your life who need the gentle, nurturing side while others who need the always turned up version of you. Just as the person who constantly shits on and belittles you doesn’t deserve the kind side of you is deserving of your silence and distance, the person who’s always been there for you doesn’t deserve to have all your bad moments’ filled attitude, tone, and demeanor thrown at them at any given time. I am proud to say that, thru my healing, the version of myself that was angry and argumentative which stayed at the forefront has all but disappeared and been replaced with the knowledge of how and when to create boundaries. We all have different sides of ourselves, just be sure you’re always giving the healthiest version of yourself in any situation and, if that situation isn’t healthy, walk away, your mental health depends on it. Be great, my Loves!!

Hey my Lovelies! How have y’all been? Did you have a good holiday with family, friends, and delicious food? Me too as I was blessed to have my baby come spend time with me and then we spent time with my family, the reassurance I needed to remind me how truly blessed I am. I have missed my family but the reason I’d not spent Thanksgiving with them is because they are the full embodiment of my Daddy and it was too hard for me to be around them for a while. Yes, I know it was selfish and am grateful for this healing journey as that sadness was replaced with joy and love of my family.

While my healing journey has helped me move past the grief of losing my Daddy and been able to appreciate who and where I am in life, it’s also taped my eyelids open so I’ve no choice but to see the unhealed parts of those I hold closest and dearest to my heart. Even though I didn’t fully know what to expect when I committed to this journey, I’m taken aback by seeing how toxic those closest to me truly are and my heart breaks because I have to choose myself over their disrespect of my pain, belittling of my traumas, and utter lack of shits to give about my feelings. Now, had this been about 10 years ago, I’d have eagerly joined right into the fire of an argument and spewed every gut-punching statement I could to get them off of me but, healed me ain’t here for the shits anymore and she stays calm regardless of what is being said because, really, what’s the point?

An area my eyes are opened is seeing that someone who didn’t walk 2” in my shoes feels they have license to tell me how to feel about my trauma and when to get over soul shattering pain. Let me explain something to those of you who may be unaware, if you’ve not lived in the house, you’ve no right to speak on what took place in it as though you did. While it’s true someone shared what happened in the house, you didn’t experience any of it and have no license to speak on it at any point in your life. You have even less right to only bring it up to intentionally try to open a wound it’s taken the other person a lot of therapy, self-reflection, and tears to move beyond.  You know what I find funny? The same person who will tell you to get over your trauma is the same person who will bring up and remind you of who you were at your lowest and most broken as a means to seem better than you.

Baybee! Don’t be fooled by these miserable ass souls because all they’re doing is proving how much better you truly are because you no longer live at the place of the porch they’re standing on wondering why their knocks are going unanswered.

I have also learned that when you begin to heal, you don’t get sympathy for being attacked by the unhealed because they always have an enabler coddling and gassing them up as though they’re right. No ma’am/sir, it’s 2022, we are no longer tolerating that level of bullshit because the enabler will be cut off quicker than Toxic Tonya/Tony for being weak, we’ve no space in our peace for nonsense.

The scary part is, you don’t always recognize TT because they appear to be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, boosting you up when you’re down but, pay attention and see if they have that same energy when you’re up. As long as you’re doing less than or on their same level, they’re always there for you with words of encouragement but the moment you solidly stand on your own two feet, spread your wings, and learn to fly, here come the negative comments and unsolicited advice on how you should handle your life as though you’re not supposed to be living your best life because they didn’t take the time to grow with you.

I own that I’ve been down, like, way down to the point I wasn’t able to support myself and children but I was blessed to have people in my life who stepped in and filled the spaces I couldn’t. Yes, I am very grateful to these women because they kept food in our stomachs, lights on, and made sure we had everything we needed. When I tell you that was a humbling experience, you’ve no idea which is why I am so appreciative of where I am now in life. Thru that struggle, I came to learn there are 2 types of helpers in your life: those who help you out of the kindness of their hearts and refuse to accept a Thank You because that’s not why the did it and then you have those who do it to be able hold it over your head in order to attempt to knock you down a peg at their whim. We all have some form of social media and see the videos of people purposely recording them helping a homeless person or a mother who can’t afford diapers for their baby and rush to put that person’s lowest moment on social media to get kudos for being a good person. How good are you that you couldn’t just do the deed and go home with a full heart for being in a position to help someone less fortunate? No, my person didn’t record anything and brag about it but it’s been repeatedly thrown in my face and no longer being tolerated – line drawn and boundary created.

If you are someone who seeks out an argument by being antagonizing towards another person and just keep taking low blows until they respond with the same energy, we are not the same. I do my best not to argue because it’s a waste of time and energy but was told by my therapist that what I do is worse which is methodically speaking in a calm, collected tone revealing their deepest, darkest secret. Do I feel it’s worse than arguing? Nope because my main goal is to get someone up off of me and shut them up so, I speak to the one truth I know will cut to the depths of their core. Wait, I used to do that, I’ve gotten better because doing so makes me no better than them screaming at me at the top of their lungs as our main goal is to see who can cause the most emotional damage. I am still a smart ass, that shit is never going away but I’ve learned not to be so hurtful towards people I care about regardless if they feel or view the situation the same, not my circus, untrained monkeys, or cross to bear.

While I was hesitant to step on the path of this journey, I’m grateful I did but also understand it wouldn’t have been accomplished at any other time in my life. There were many times I swore up and down I wanted to heal, grow, and be a better woman, mother, and human being but I truly wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t have been able to handle this process well enough to reap all the benefits I’m experiencing. Is it hard? Hell yeah! Is it always sunshine and rainbows? Hell no! Even in all of its beautiful ugliness, I would love to encourage everyone to begin their journey but I am also aware there are many who don’t see any wrong within themselves or their actions, therefore, they’ll probably never change. Knowing that some closest to me will continue to live in misery and be fueled by the pain which now presents itself as anger absolutely breaks my heart but I have to be okay with knowing I can’t save everyone, that’s not my or anyone else’s purpose here. We help and save those who are willing to grab a hold of our hand while hanging off that cliff and cry for those whose pride won’t let them see the flames of hell burning beneath them.

Take a moment to examine your relationships and see who your true cheerleaders and helpers are but you’re going to have to be okay with the realization of who you thought was in your corner was actually your biggest hater. Yes, hater is a strong word but what else would you call someone who’s only happy with you when you’re down and resentful when you’re soaring? When you see people for who they are, it’s going to hurt, you may even cry because you’d never imagine your ride or die secretly wishes you bad because they feel you’ve outgrown them and try to bring you back down to their level. Once you begin to grow in the healthiest way possible, you’ll understand how impossible it is to shrink and regress to the former self you took the time to heal what once fueled that darkness and it becomes unfamiliar and unrecognizable, you may even judge yourself for who you used to be. Stay the course of healing, you’ve got but one life to live, do what you can to make it one of peace, love, and joy. Be great, my Loves!

Hey Lovelies! In my last post, I spoke of attending an event where I got to dress up which is something near and dear to my heart as I love to be fancy whenever I can. As I chatted with my Mommie about the event, I went into detail about what I wore, how I did my makeup, reassuring her my nails and toes were done, and everything was in place and on point as I was aware of the fact I was representing her when I was out. Being who and how she is, she adamantly agreed and the conversation grew from there.

From a very early age, it was made crystal clear to me that I represented my parents whenever and wherever I may be, regardless of whether they’re standing nearby or 1,000 miles away, I am always a direct reflection of them and I was never to embarrass them with my appearance or actions. This is something I’ve taken to heart ever since it was instilled in me and take pride in my appearance at all times. Being a 70’s baby, my formative years were during the 80’s and 90’s when fashion, hair, and makeup would be deemed cringe worthy by today’s intricately beat face standards but you couldn’t tell us we weren’t killin’ the game back then.

I actually like the fact you can nail down the era of a high school photo based on the hairstyle whether it be the rock-hard poodle bangs which used a massive amount of hairspray which began the depletion of the ozone layer or the many different angles cut into our hair to make the perfect asymmetrical. I had the asymmetrical where the long part covered my eye completely and my mother silently showed her disdain for it by not paying for any pictures where I didn’t have 2 visible eyes.

Have I made less than stellar choices when it came to hair or makeup back in the day? Since it was my face and hair which I had to deal with, I’d say No but that would not be agreed to by my mother and sister. Yes, there was a point in time where I drew my eyebrows on with what gave the appearance of a black Sharpie® but I believed in my heart of hearts they were on point and brought out my eyes since my natural eyebrows are damn near transparent.

As I look back at pictures from that era of my life, they did appear a little extreme BUT they gave me confidence and the more my family bitched about them, the more I would do them because they complained about every aspect of my appearance anyway so, this was just another gripe. It wasn’t until I met someone who’s opinion meant the world to me did I finally give them up, I don’t even own that eyebrow pencil I could have bought stock in anymore. Do I still do my eyebrows? Yes, as my genetic pool still hasn’t blessed me with thick, luscious eyebrows but my wallet has afforded me better products which actually compliment my face and I no longer look permanently surprised.

I will be the first to admit it appears I went thru a hoochie mama faze as I had the big, stiff hair, huge bamboo earrings, ridiculously long and extravagantly decorated fingernails, and an unending wardrobe of spandex. Again, back then, you couldn’t tell me I was not the shit! Back then, I was very thin and tall, I didn’t have a fupa, hell, I barely had a booty so, I thought spandex was the best way to dress when I went out.

I must point out that I only dressed like that when I was out in the clubs as I knew my mother would come to my job and beat my ass in front of coworkers if I even thought about wearing club clothes to my good gubment job. When I went to work, you’d never know I partied as hard as I did because all my dresses/skirts were at least knee length and I never wore open toe shoes. It wasn’t until I was looking thru pictures of my cousin’s wedding and laughed as I asked, “Who’s that hoochie mama?” and my laughter was silenced when I was told it was me and I realized I wasn’t representing my family well and decided to do better.  

As I mentioned, I partied hard from the ages of 18 – 24 and never missed a day of work due to being hungover as my mother told me, “If you have to miss work due to partying, you need to cut out the one that’s not paying your bills”. Now, that’s not to say I showed up fully sober to work every day because that would be a whole ass lie BUT I was there every single day as she only said I couldn’t miss work.

Had I missed work every time I had been out, I’d have been seen as unreliable and I couldn’t do that at a job my Daddy had gotten for me as it would have made him look bad. Even in my hay day of partying, I still carried myself with respect and the knowledge my parents knew a lot of people I didn’t and would tell on me if I was seen acting a fool in public.

I have carried this mentality with me throughout every phase of my life. When I was a wife, I made sure I always looked presentable as I was representing my husband, there was never a time I would go to the store in jammie pants, a tattered t-shirt, no bra, and a hat to cover the bird’s nest I didn’t take the time to comb thru.

When I became a mother, it was even more important to look and carry myself accordingly as children could be cruel and my daughters would have received the brunt of the comments about my appearance and school is hard enough without someone talking shit about and making fun of your mother who constantly looks like she gave up on life. Here’s the funny part of all of this: my sister is the total opposite of me, she gives zero shits about how she looks when she leaves the house and says, “I’m not trying to impress anyone, c’mon, let’s go”, no ma’am, you will not embarrass me by looking homeless.

Let me state for the record that I do not take pride in my appearance for anyone but myself, I do not color coordinate my clothes and ensure everything I’m wearing is clean and wrinkle-free to gain the attention and approval of strangers on the street. I carry myself as the Queen I am in part out of respect for my parents so others don’t think they raised an untrained circus monkey but I also do it for myself as I’m a lady and carry myself as such. This is one of the things from my upbringing which I have carried forward and instilled in my children who are very mindful of their appearance and behavior when they leave the house because they don’t want the lecture for causing me embarrassment.

As a woman, we have more weight on us than most realize or care to acknowledge because, somehow, we carry the sole responsibility of the appearance of our homes, children, partners, and selves. There are some who don’t take pride in their partner’s or children’s appearance because they feel it’s not their place to put limits on their choices but I just don’t happen to agree with that. I feel if I’ve taken the time to make sure every hair is in place, my clothes are clean, well-fitting, and wrinkle-free, my partner should take the same time and care to do the same for me. The one thing I can say about my ex-husband is that he took pride in his appearance whenever we went out, hell, he primped more than I did at times but, that’s what you do for your partner so they have a sense of pride to have you on their arm. As for my daughters, it would be very selfish of me to be dressed to the nines and have my children looking like ragamuffins with their hair all over their heads.

It doesn’t matter if you’re married, single, a parent, or childless, there is always someone you are representing: your parents. Yes, there are those of us who don’t have one or both parents but that doesn’t mean you don’t still represent them in your actions and appearance. No matter how much of a dumpster fire you life may be, hold your head high and stunt on everyone around you.

Always remember, the most important person you represent at all times is the one looking back at you in the mirror, don’t embarrass them by dancing on table tops at a bar, going to the store after rolling out of bed and looking like it, or carrying yourself as anything less than the King/Queen your parents created and raised. Be great, my Loves!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! I know, it’s been a minute and all I can say to that is life and healing have been consuming me lately. I will admit that I used to be one of those who believed that healing was pleasant and peaceful but that is a whole ass lie as this shit gets quite heavy at times. While it may be heavy and challenging at times, there is no turning back and I am seeing and feeling the benefits. What has been the heaviest for me is being able to see how unhealed those closest to me are which is forcing me to create boundaries and distance myself as to not regress, I’ve worked too hard and been thru too much to give up now.

In the beginning of this journey, my self-care had me in butterfly land sitting by a rainbow petting a unicorn, it felt really good to finally take and make time for myself. Lately, I have been experiencing the parts of myself which were buried deep, coming to the surface to be healed and it’s kinda ugly. I am not feeling myself as of late, I am naturally a very sensitive and sentimental person but right now, I just want to be left alone. Yes, I do struggle with mental health but this is different than the random depression I’ve become accustomed to as I’ve been in a funk for the last couple of weeks and forcing myself to maintain my self-care Sundays. I mean, I can’t go to work looking like who-dun-it, right? No matter the mood, this Queen will always make sure her nails, lashes, and hair are done, it’s just who I am.

One thing I’ve come to learn about healing yourself is that you will encounter tests of all levels and types on this journey and this past weekend was a prime example of such test. I had the honor of attending the celebration of 75 years of life for the matriarch of our family at an elegant event and was, initially, excited about being able to dress up and enjoy family and friends. However, anyone who knows me fully understands how quickly I will find a reason to flake and stay in the house but I knew I couldn’t do that because turning ¾ of a century is a big deal. I decided I would wear a fitted black dress, cream blazer, and red stiletto sandals with my hair in a slicked back ponytail and was feeling myself because, no lie, I look good at 50 and was proud of myself.

As I drove to the event, I was singing and in good spirits even though I was going to be an hour and a half late but I’m never on time and don’t know how to rush. I arrived at the event and my heart swelled as I was greeted with love by family members I don’t see often enough and was even happier when I saw my favorite aunt and how she lit up when she saw me. My joy quickly turned to rage when she let me know my father’s widow was also here.

At that moment, I felt all unhealed parts of me bum rush healed me and the internal battle caused me to shake with rage and the only thing that helped me maintain a semblance of calm was I hadn’t laid eyes on her yet. I returned to my seat and sat there seething at the audacity of the stankin’ ass bitch showing up as though she didn’t do my Daddy, sisters, and me wrong! I decided to call my sister to talk me off the ledge and avoid needing bail money but, wouldn’t you know? She didn’t answer so, I called my mother but she too didn’t answer so, I left the party room to sit in the hall to gather myself and composure as it’s not Queen behavior to choke a bitch.

I returned to my seat, tried to eat some dinner but was no longer hungry as I was too busy scanning the room looking for her and decided this was not how I wanted to spend my evening and prepared to gather my things, say my good-byes, and roll out but before I could, my sister called me back. I went outside to my car so I could talk without eyes or ears on my conversation and to get away from the music. And, this is when it happened, I heard my father’s voice say, “Don’t you ever let someone affect you so much that you leave a space, you are better than that. Don’t you know you are making her more uncomfortable just by being there? This is YOUR family, not hers! Take your few minutes to get yourself together and walk back in there with your head held high and enjoy yourself, don’t sulk in the corner, I raised you better than that”. It was at this point I felt healed me step forward as my posture straightened and I walked as though I had a crown on my head, there was confidence in my stride, and I knew I was better than what I was allowing to happen. I chatted with my sister for a few and headed back in as a totally different person and, although I was no longer angry, I made sure to make eye contact with her every chance I got.

I enjoyed the rest of the evening with my family, got my corner piece of cake, my goodie bag, and said my good-byes.

I am proud of myself because I know that, had this been 18 months ago, they would have had to pry my hands from around her neck in order to get the handcuffs on me. I am learning that healed me isn’t here for the shits because I felt her step forward during the internal chaos and stand strong and unwavering no matter how much I wanted to break down, she wasn’t allowing tears whether they be from sadness or anger, she simply straightened my crown and reminded me who the hell I was.

I don’t share my experiences on this journey to discourage anyone, I share them to encourage you when it gets heavy and you want to stop. I share every part of this journey so you know you’re not alone when it gets difficult and you want to give up, I’m here to let you know there is beauty on the other side. Unfortunately, this path is not filled with sunflowers, a gentle breeze blowing, and birds singing as it’s not a fairytale, it’s real life and you’re not an animated princess/prince. On this path, you will encounter parts of yourself you didn’t know were so damaged that they turned toxic, were rotting you from the inside, and come to the surface with a vengeance but that just shows you’re on the right path.

It’s definitely easier to just be, never taking the time to work thru all the shit we pushed aside to avoid reliving it but, honestly, what good does that do? When you avoid the dark, unhealed parts in yourself, they will forever taint any relationship you have and, unfortunately, come to the surface when you least expect it. Some feel as though they can shop, smoke, drink, or sex away those feelings and thoughts but the reality is, once your cart and bank account are empty, you come down off that high, or your legs stop shaking, the darkness is still there, you can’t escape it.

The beginning of the self-love and healing journey must be taken alone as no one can walk thru your traumas but you because you are the one who lived thru them. The one thing you will have to understand and come to grips with is that this will get lonely as you will begin to see how toxic those closest to you are as they’ve taken the option to not heal and try to drag you back to where they are, don’t go, you deserve healing. You’ve but one life, make the most of it while you’re on this side of the dirt, you are here for a purpose. Be great my lovelies!!

Hey, my Lovelies! I’m sure you’re all aware that I’m dollar bill single as I feel as though I’m always using that term but the truth of the matter is, I’ve not always truly embraced all that phrase embodies. While it’s true I’ve been single a while, much longer than is comfortable for my mother at this point, I was faking the funk of being happy about it. I believe the mask of happiness I wore was due to finally being free of the toxic situation I got out of to proudly say I was happily divorced but, was I really happy as a single person after having been a part of a couple for over a decade?

If I’m being honest, no as I’ve always considered myself as a companion type of person, someone who functions better in a committed relationship than solo dolo but soul searching and healing has truly changed that perspective for the better for me.

If it were 15 – 20 years ago, the conversations between my sister and I would be in a 180 position as she was once the eternally single person while I was married Susie Homemaker raising the two little girls I prayed my whole life for. But, it’s not almost 2 decades ago and a lot has changed within that time and me, I’m now the single sister adjusting to being an empty nester while looking like the crazy cat lady while she’s enjoying marital bliss raising a fat, aging Chihuahua and mixed breed puppy who thinks she’s human. Unlike some divorcees, I am not bitter nor opposed to getting married again, I just know to make much better choices the next time around because the first time I was young and stupid with the belief he was my only chance of getting married.

There are pros and cons to being single as well as being married but, right now, I’m reveling in the perks of singlehood. When you’re single, if you want to walk around looking like death run over for 4 days straight without hearing moans of disgust, you can as the only person you scare is yourself when you walk by a mirror. I have the luxury of choosing when I want to go to bed and if I want to use half of it for decorative pillows and snacks with my cats being in heaven because the end of the bed is their domain. I have the privilege of watching whatever I want on TV, all remotes are mine and mine alone to control how and when I choose. I have the honor of drinking my dinner if I so choose without hearing “What’s for dinner?” and being expected to eat or cook. I’m not even going to start on the amount of closet space you have for your clothes, shoes, purses, and other accessories as this may be the downfall when I get into a committed relationship and he’s forced to use the closet in another room for his belongings.

And, speaking of clothes and shoes, you don’t have to hear anyone’s mouth when the daily Amazon® packages show up at the door with your necessities. This next pro is one my sister will wholeheartedly agree with: when you’re single, you don’t have to share your snacks. When I wake up, my home looks as it did when I went to sleep, I don’t have to clean up behind someone who’s horrible aim never seems to get their draws in the hamper or who possesses the inability to put a dish in the dishwasher.

The cons of being single are that you don’t have someone to snuggle with and binge watch shows on any given weekend. When you’re single and have a bad day, you don’t have anyone to come home and complain to and have them comfort you to make you forget about the shitty people you work with. Sex! Unless you’re doling it out like Halloween candy to anyone who looks your way, you’re not getting it on a regular basis or at least have the option laying in bed next to you nightly. There are no date-nights or couple’s events to attend as you’re not a part of a couple. While there may be cons to being single, they don’t outweigh the amount of peace I’ve gained from not having someone irritate and stress me out over petty shit.

In communicating and getting to know other single people, I’m learning there’s a difference in those who’ve been married/in long term committed relationships and those who’ve never been truly committed. Those who’ve always been single have a different understanding on what a boundary is and how to institute it. As someone who has been married, I don’t have inappropriate conversations with someone else’s spouse as I damn sure wouldn’t have that same conversation if their spouse were standing there which means it’s never okay, I understand that but have learned others don’t.

I also know what it means to respect your partner when it comes to members of the opposite sex. I’ve nothing against my Boo having female friends as long as there are boundaries in place and he respects them as well as ensuring they are respected by others. I have met a couple of people who believe that their ‘friends’ can behave as they’d like because their partner isn’t there to see it which is equivalent to What they don’t know won’t kill them and that’s a different level of disrespect and disloyalty that I don’t have time to deal with. I need to be with someone who respects me and us more when I’m not around and not believe that because I don’t see it, it’s fine because everything done in the dark comes to light and then I’m picking up the pieces of my broken heart yet again due to someone else’s inconsideration.  

While I’m not opposed to one, I am no longer seeking a relationship just not to be alone as I’m good being single as I’m enjoying my peace and not having to deal with someone’s unhealed, mentally juvenile son disrupting it with their toxicity. I am no longer willing to deal with the responsibility of putting my heart back together after some raggedy ass dude claimed he was ready and realized he wasn’t worthy of all I am and have to offer. I will own with every fiber of my being that I am a lot, my parents raised me with a certain set of standards I will not compromise on as I’ve compromised in the past and looked like Boo-Boo the Fool crying over some dusty ass dude who wasn’t worthy of all I am and have to offer.

I also expect a lot but will never expect what I am not willing to give and too many people don’t live by that same principle. There are many who are a lot to handle and require even more of their partner without an even give and take, my life doesn’t work that way.

There are a lot of singles who turn to dating sites to find their partner but that is not me as I watched too much Catfish® to risk wearing that orange jumpsuit because someone lied. The number of online dating horror stories I hear and know people are still running to them for salvation and companionship only to constantly get disappointed with the realization most of these sites are filled with people only looking to hook up, no one on there is truly looking for their life partner, just a way to get their dang-a-lang/kitty cat wet. I believe that most people go on there with the hopes of finding something real but that’s, unfortunately, not the society we live in anymore, too many are all about self with no consideration to the damage they are causing others by lying just to get laid or play another person, y’all can keep that bullshit.

If you are happily married, I am happy for you but if you are in a marriage where you feel lonely more than connected and loved, I weep for you. Having the ability to take the time to heal from past situations, I no longer feel like a failure because I’m single, I now feel like a warrior because I have survived and continue to thrive on my own without settling for a lackluster situation just not to be alone.  A few years ago, once I’d begun to heal, my mother saw a selfie I took and commented on my smile, stating it was different and I replied, “The smile you were used to wasn’t because I was happy, it was because a picture was being taken. The smile you see here is the peace I didn’t have for so long”. And, truth be told, the smile I currently display is different than 3 years ago as I’m rid of toxic situations which were, unbeknownst to me at the time, suffocating my authentic self.

The most important thing you have to understand is that being single is not a sin nor punishment, it’s a blessing but it’s up to you to see the opportunities within it to appreciate all it has to offer. Once you are okay with being single, your standards and tolerance of what you will accept will be raised and you won’t tolerate anyone lower than that bar to disturb your peace.  Be great, my Lovelies! 

Hey, hey my Lovelies! It feels like it’s been a whole minute since we’ve connected but, as you all know, life continues to happen and sometimes it’s a greater speed than we’re prepared for. As much as I’d love to say, and my family would love to hear, that I’ve been busy staying turnt up, I’ve just been busy and occupied with work and my daughters but that’s how my life is built right now and I’m totally fine with it as that’s where my focus needs to be at the moment.

This past week, we had a retreat at work and I got the opportunity to have general conversations with our board members and it was a great experience. One day at lunch, we began discussing reality survival shows and the things these contestants endure for clout. The discussion soon turned to what each of us would bring to the table in the event of an apocalypse and my spoiled ass blurted out “FEAR” as I’m extremely conditioned to and comfortable with my first world luxuries.

Per usual, I took time to process this whole conversation after the retreat was over as I was ‘voted off the island’ at lunch by bringing fear to the situation. Am I the handiest person? That would be a generous Hell No but I can make things work if need be. I was raised to know how to do things on my own so I would never have to depend on a man to put a bookcase together or change my oil but that doesn’t mean I like it. Now, I’ve never had the urge to hunt, kill, clean, and cook my own dinner and my limited palette is where I’d struggle as I don’t currently have the heart to eat a bunny or squirrel but tough times call for tough decisions. Give me a moment while I thank GOD for my lifestyle…………….

As I processed my inability to survive an apocalypse, I realized my parents didn’t raise me to die during the opening credits of a horror movie, they raised me to do whatever it takes to survive. After a little more thought, I can now say that, if my daughters were with me during this dark period, I’d do whatever humanly possible to make sure we all survive even if it means killing Thumper for dinner.

It’s amazing what you will do to make sure your babies are okay and, sometimes, that just means surviving yourself so you can continue to be there for them and I am that mother.

Being the overthinker I am, my mind refused to stop at surviving the end of humanity and honed in on my word of choice: FEAR. I began to think about how that teeny tiny four-letter word drives our lives in ways we’d never imagine. There are times where I view being afraid of something as more common sense than fear, for example: I love sharks but know better than to jump in a shark cage to get face to face with them in the middle of the ocean. I have said before that LOVE is the scariest emotion because we have no control over it but FEAR runs a close second because we can’t get out of our own way to face our fears and enjoy all life has to offer.

How many times have you considered taking a chance on love, a big move, or dream job but talked yourself out of it due to the fear of rejection or getting hurt? Personally, I can’t even come up with a number because I’m too comfortable in my box to take a chance and run the risk of looking stupid or getting hurt yet again. Yes, I am the same person who was raised by the adage of “nothing beats a failure but a try” and I have tried some things but there are many others I’m good with never experiencing and letting die by the wayside.

Have you ever dealt with a narcissist? What most fail to understand is that romantic partners aren’t the only narcissists in our lives as they could be a family member, coworker, or friend; narcissists come in all forms and genders. When you’re in relationship with a narcissist, it’s run solely by fear as they know the one thing which would break you is no longer being with them and they use it to their advantage at every turn. Being in an unhealthy relationship will have you sacrificing every part of who you are to appease someone who has proven time and time again they don’t give two shits about you and your feelings, they care about the control they have over you and the relationship. When I share stories from my marriage, people always ask me why I stayed so long and my initial response is that I didn’t want him to leave me. Pardon me while I take a moment to thank Jesus for growth, maturity, healing, and getting out of that shit show.

If you’ve ever been cheated on, lied to, broken, betrayed, or abandoned by someone you loved with everything you are, you’ll be hesitant and cautious when a real one comes into your life. Fear will cause you to overthink everything about this person and you’ll ask yourself questions, pondering their genuineness and authenticity which will cause you to miss out on the awesomeness of their being. Having experienced heartbreak, you promised yourself you’d never let anyone close enough to hurt you again which makes you pause when you feel happiness with this person as you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and refusing to be okay with there not even being another shoe, they are who they are and who you asked and waited for but fear has you stuck and sabotaging this good thing.

There is actually a good aspect to having experienced heartbreak as you, hopefully, took the time to heal and learn what you will and won’t put up with as well as what you deserve.  If you push fear aside and give this person a chance, what’s the worst that could happen? Yes, there is a chance it may not work out but what if it does? And, if it doesn’t, it’s okay, you’ve already proven that you will survive and are in a better place to heal this time around.

While love and fear are both strong emotions, you actually have control over fear as it’s your choice as to whether or not you face it, love doesn’t give you the option, it just kicks down the door and pimp smacks the shit out of you. I had a conversation with someone before who said “You don’t choose who you fall in love with” and, to an extent, I agree whole heartedly but, on the flip side of that, you have to give people a chance to get close enough to fall in love with them, example: how many people do you know who have seen the same crackhead in passing and fallen in love with them? I have pushed fear aside and ignored my gut feeling to give someone a chance, got sucked into believing them when they said they ‘weren’t like the rest’, and ended up looking stupid as hell when they were every bit of the other pieces of shit they claimed not to be like. I have overlooked red flags by saying they were pink which, somehow, justified me giving them chance after chance after they continued to show me who they were. Oh, how foolish and ignorant we can be when it comes to the possibility of love.

Thru my self-love expedition, I’ve become more self-aware and learned a whole lot about myself. When it comes to love, I’m not fearful, I just don’t have time, tolerance, or patience for the same bullshit that’s been spewed at me for decades. I am at the point in my life where I’m not okay with being in a situationship, with someone who isn’t willing to share their world with me and vice versa, with someone who thinks it’s okay to have me as secret, someone who doesn’t respect or appreciate me, and I damn sure am not settling for a friends with benefits or side piece situation. I was not put on this earth and raised the way I was to be treated as anything less than the phenomenal Queen I am, I’m a grown ass woman and worthy of nothing less than a grown ass relationship with someone who is worthy of all I have to offer, anything less can keep it moving. I have no fear of love as I know how wonderful and amazing it can be, I have a fear of settling for anything or anyone just to not be single. Trust me when I tell you, being single has a lot of perks and so much less stress than being in a relationship which isn’t serving you properly, you glow differently.

Your life is constantly created by the choices you make and it’s based off your decisions, not those influenced by others as it’s not their life to live, it’s yours. Be great, my Lovelies!

Hey, hey, my Lovelies! For the last 3 months or so, I have been responsible for helping my eldest’s maintain her levels of sanity, anxiety, and stress as stable as possible as there have been some challenges with her recent move. The level of patience and understanding I show her has been criticized as I’ve been told I smother, coddle, and enable my children and they need to learn how to handle things on their own. I’m learning that no matter how many times I remind folks that I grew these humans, they still feel they have license to tell me how to rear and interact with them. At first, I thought I might actually be having a full-blown mental breakdown because their shit isn’t affecting me in the least anymore but then I remember and become grateful for all of the work I have put in myself to enable it all to roll off my back. I’m not having a mental breakdown, I’m merely growing and maturing and it feels damn good.

Anyone who was raised by a “Boomer” will be able to relate to how I was raised and was probably determined to raise their seeds differently. My mother was not my friend and told me so many times over the course of my young life, she was my mother, that was her only job and she took it very seriously. Yes, there were many times I wanted to go to my mother and share a crush I had on a boy or had a heartbreak or was bullied but that wasn’t our relationship and, to be honest, it hurt like hell. I used to wonder why she didn’t want to know about what was going on in my life but, as I got older, got married, had children, and struggled with my own trials and tribulations, I began to understand my mother a lot more. I wasn’t the easiest growing up and now recognize there were many years my mother probably thought I didn’t like her.

My mother went thru a lot of hell in her life but she never faltered in the area of turning my sister and me into responsible, respectful, independent women as that was her primary goal and responsibility, she didn’t have the space in her spirit to also be nurturing. I’d be telling a whole ass lie if I said it didn’t affect every single aspect of my life because it did but I am grateful for the iron fist she ruled with as we turned out a helluva lot better than some of our peers and family members. I’m sure she worried about my sister because she tested my mother’s willingness to sport that orange jumpsuit on a regular basis by seeing how far she could push every rule, boundary, and curfew.

On January 5, 2001, my life forever changed because, at the moment I looked at the positive pregnancy test, I knew it was no longer about me, it was about the little human I was growing and for whom I’d be responsible for the rest of my life. It amazes me how not every parent shares this sentiment, how they can be proud to say they’re a parent and receive gifts on the special days but have no real involvement in their child’s life while still living their life for themselves with their seed being an afterthought.  

As I’ve stated before, none of us asked to be here, it was the decision of our mother whether we came into existence which is why I waited until I was almost 30 years old to consider bringing a child into this world. I knew at 26 – 29 I wasn’t ready to forego a pair of shoes, a cute outfit, or purse to buy diapers, formula, a crib, and everything else a baby requires. What most tend to overlook is that children are an absolute blessing and should be treated as such but they they don’t stop being a blessing or responsibility simply because they’ve turned 18, being a parent is an eternal experience.

When the reality of becoming a mother arose, I was determined to raise them differently than I had been raised while still using some of the lessons instilled in me by my mother, it was a very tricky and thin line to walk. I wanted to make sure they experienced a real childhood by playing outside, feeling loved, knowing I was always there, and not getting yelled at for merely being children but I also had to make sure they didn’t act like untrained monkeys due to a lack of discipline.

I never wanted my children to feel as though I didn’t like them, they’d always know I loved them but I wanted them to know I saw and heard them at all times, no matter how trivial a subject may seem to someone else, I sit and listen as they share their days with me. I was determined to actually know my children to the depths of their souls so they would feel comfortable sharing everything with me and never turning to their lil friends for advice.

I don’t know about you but I constantly question whether I’ve done right by my girls and that lack of confidence is only magnified by others telling me what to do with them and even telling me (and being very wrong) about who my children are. I can state with confidence that no one knows my children like I do as I am their ‘person’; the version they share with others is strongly guarded because they are aware others are merely going off the perception of who they believe and want them to be, never taking the time to actually get to know them. My oldest is very sensitive and emotional, hell, she’s her mother’s clone, did we expect anything different? With her being who and how she is, there are some who aren’t built to handle tears and get mad when she expresses her emotions which is why she comes to me, she doesn’t feel safe with others in that way.

I decided to take a week and help her move into her new place and was pleasantly surprised at the woman she is becoming; she’s financially mindful, knows what she wants in her home and how it will look. Spending a week with her was a great bonding experience and I learned even more about her thru our conversations but I also saw how much pain she carries within due to the lack of connection she has with other parts of her DNA. It was in that moment I began apologizing to her because I felt as though it was somehow my fault and realized that no matter how much I was there for her, I could never fill that void. In case you’ve never experienced it, when your child hurts, you hurt and if you don’t, please leave them alone because you’re only doing more damage by making their issues about you. In this aspect, I am grateful for having the father I did because when he would give me ‘advice’ it was never in the form of a lecture while reading off a task list of exactly what I needed to do, he just told me stories of his experiences that were similar to what I was going thru to show me shit happens to us all.

Let me state this, none of us are perfect humans which makes us even less perfect as parents as there is no handbook on how to do it, you are pretty much winging it to see what works best for your child. My upbringing was different depending on which parent I was with: my mother was all about rules, regulations, and boundaries while my father was about letting us be ourselves and learning lessons on our own but always there to catch us when our decisions went awry and Lord knows I made some shitty decisions that blew up in my face.

When raising children, you have to know your children as individuals as the discipline which works for one isn’t guaranteed to work for the other(s) as they’re as unique as snowflakes. I will admit I missed out on a great relationship with my mother for most of my life because, in a nutshell, I am her and extremely strong willed with it having to be my way or no way but we are proof it is never too late to mend a relationship, both parties just have to be willing and ready.

It’s sad how physically absent parents don’t do as much damage as those who are physically there but never present and wanting to know their seeds. As I promised when I saw those 2 pink lines, it doesn’t matter who you are to my children, if you hurt them, you will have to deal with me and have relinquished your right to be present in their lives, I will protect every part of their being until I take my last breath.

No matter how good, bad, indifferent your relationship with your seeds is, it’s not too late to sit down or call and ask about their day or how they’re feeling and actually listen to and retain what they tell you, open the door to making your relationship even better. When you decided to become a parent, you committed to being responsible for other human beings, make sure they’re good in all facets of their life: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and financially. You never stop being a parent.

Hey, my Lovelies! Have you been taking time for yourself and practicing self-love/self-care? As mentioned in my last blog, I have definitely been loving myself! I have added waking up every morning to “Good Morning, Gorgeous” by Mary J. Blige, this song automatically puts me in a good mood and I feel even more settled into my skin when I look in the mirror and address myself as “Gorgeous”. As I mentioned previously, prior to my journey of self-love, this wouldn’t have been possible because I didn’t think I was worthy of that greeting but that was then and this is now, there’s no arrogance in the greeting, just love.

As we are all aware, today is Father’s Day, the day we celebrate our first loves and sons celebrate the men who taught them how to be a man, today is not the day to celebrate the deadbeats out there, I don’t believe this is a blanket holiday. If you’ve not taken the time to be present in your seed’s life, not poured love and lessons into them, gone about living your life as though they don’t exist, don’t reach out to form a bond, aren’t present even when they’re in your presence, and are considered a sperm donor you don’t get a grill, tools or clothes today, there is no reward for being absent and selfish.  

As you are aware, my Daddy gained his wings 12 years ago but this year is harder for me than the last few because so much has happened that I’ve not been able to share with him but I know he sees the woman and mother I’ve become and is smiling down on me from heaven but there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to see that smile and hear that voice in person just one more time. Yes, for some of us, this is a very difficult day but, thru my tears, I will celebrate my Daddy with you.

My Daddy wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, but he was mine and poured into us love and lessons he felt would serve us in our lives. Anyone who’s ever interacted with him knows he loved to talk and tell stories and, as his daughter, there were lessons in his words that I am watching come to fruition in my life at every turn. Who knew his gift of gab was planting seeds to help me become the woman I am today? Even though majority of his stories were met with an eye roll and attitude from me, he never stopped sharing and I appreciate him for his perseverance and faith that they would one day stick and make sense and I am so grateful.

As a woman who has gone thru heartbreak and divorce, I now have so much more respect for my parents for never giving up and push thru their pain and still adult as parents even though they were mentally struggling with their own shit. When I was 6 years old, my Daddy became a single father who was responsible for raising two daughters which meant he now had to do hair, buy doll babies, break up constant fights between me and my sister, pick out and iron our girlie clothes, and still be the protector and provider, making sure we ate, had a roof over our heads, and never felt the struggle.

I have been questioned, in the past, about why I put my Daddy on a pedestal after all that transpired between him and my mother and, I’ll say it again, that was their adult relationship and not the one I had with my father. My Daddy didn’t always make the right choices in life but how many of us have? I know I’ve not made the most stellar choices but, like him, I’ve learned and don’t want to be judged on who I was. Now, if you do nothing but make shitty choices in life and make no attempts to better and improve yourself, yes, at that point, I’m judging the hell out of you but if you’re trying, I’m here to support your growth.

I am grateful to my Daddy for showing me so much love and grace when I was too selfish to show the same to him as I know I wasn’t the easiest child of his to get along with because I had somewhat of an attitude all the time. I am grateful to him for being my protector even though I tested his police training on a couple of occasions. I am grateful to him for allowing us to make him the center of our jokes and pranks and never getting mad even when I loaded his cigarettes to explode. I am grateful to him for being present and making me talk even when I didn’t want to as he knew I needed to get it out or I would break. I am grateful to him for the love and adoration he showed my babies which left such a lasting impression they still cry from his loss even though they were young when he gained his wings. I am grateful to him for loving and accepting me for exactly who and how I was, never trying to change me nor judge me and my appearance. I am grateful he was my first love and instilled in me what I deserved from anyone who vied to be my partner. I am grateful to have his smile, eyes, and kind and understanding heart. My Daddy never told me how to live life, he lived his and let me watch.

I learned a tidbit recently that stated Father’s Day is #20 on the list of favorite holidays and that’s sad as I couldn’t come up with 20 celebrated holidays in the year. How is Columbus Day #16 and fathers being four places lower?! There are so many men who are out here killing it as dads by learning how to braid their daughter’s hair, teaching their sons how to be men, teaching their daughters how not to get played by some raggedy ass dude, teaching their sons how to treat women, being the listening ear with words of wisdom from his own experience and doing this all while still being the protector, provider, and hero who is never down. While not all heroes wear capes that doesn’t mean they don’t exist and aren’t a hero to someone in their life.

If you are blessed to still have your father in your life, be sure to pour love into him, tell him he’s appreciated, and sit and listen to his stories no matter how many times you’ve heard them as that brings him joy. To those who’s fathers have gained their wings, know he’s never really left you and has been doing more from heaven than he’d ever be able to physically do for you here on earth. There are also those who didn’t have their biological father in their lives but had a strong male role model to shape and form them into the adult they are today. Join me, my Lovelies, in raising a glass to toast the Daddies/Dads/Pops in our lives!

Hey, my Lovelies! Today, I would like to share with you another branch on the tree of mental health: Self-Love. Once you begin to love yourself, you’ll notice how little bullshit and ignorance you put up with, stuff that used to send you into rage, no longer bothers you because you understand that their actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their unhealed wounds they’re allowing to bleed all over others. Having been where I was and gone thru what I did, I’m able to recognize the struggle in others even if they don’t but am also at a point in my growth to understand I can’t save them from themselves.

I was having a conversation with a friend about another acquaintance of ours whom they’ve known longer and he questioned why she treats people and acts the way she does. His conclusion? Well, there have been several such as: she needs some good ol’ dang-a-lang, she’s just a miserable soul, and, my fave, she loves herself too much. Over the course of many conversations, I’ve picked his theories apart by telling him that I know plenty of people who are getting sex on a regular basis who have attitudes and act like they’re in need of having their back blown out. He believes she’s miserable but I see it differently, I see her as someone who has been hurt in the past and puts on the front of being a bitch to protect the scared little girl who went thru hell.

I went on to tell him that if she truly loved herself, she wouldn’t place targets on anyone who crosses her path as she’d have a peace about her where the little shit didn’t matter and she felt obliged to make everyone else’s life. I further explained self-love never presents itself in a negative manner as it’s not arrogant nor boisterous, it’s an authentic internal peace and energy that others can feel when around you.

As some of you are aware, I attempted to start my greatest love affair, aka self-love, a couple of years ago, got stuck, then frustrated, and pretty much gave up on acquiring it as I didn’t believe it was in the cards for me. I have come to understand how you gain love for yourself is very personal, others will try to help you begin your journey but what worked for them won’t necessarily work for you. When I began my journey, I had someone close to me suggest writing what I loved about myself but my insecurities, lack of self-confidence, and upbringing wouldn’t allow me to ‘brag’ on myself to complete the list.

As much as I appreciate that person for trying to help me, it had the opposite affect on me because, instead of seeing the good in myself, my knee jerk reaction was to counteract with negatives. One of the things which hindered my self-love was being a mother who was single as it was never about me, it was about pouring all the love I had into my babies, focusing on their wants, needs, and overall well-being. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret one moment of pouring everything I have into my seeds and continue to do it to this day while carving out some time for myself.

Have you ever carelessly hurt or done someone wrong and find yourself going overboard with constant apologies? You know you’ve hurt them but don’t give them the space to digest and deal with what transpired so, you beat yourself up, lose sleep, and over/under eat with the belief that somehow all the groveling, junk food, and sleepless nights will make you feel better. When you’ve learned to love yourself, you will give that person their space and be okay with the possibility of them not liking you, it happens as none of are everyone’s cup of tea or shot of whiskey. Once you love yourself, you’ll understand the self-love they possess enabled them to create a boundary with you to protect themselves and it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with and for them.

I’m speaking for myself when I say that I’ve stayed with someone way longer than I should have, poured every ounce of love I had to spare into them in hopes they’d, one day, return it to me so I could be full again. It took me a long time and a lot of heartbreak to understand that self-love is about giving myself the love and understanding I was selflessly pouring into others. Sometimes you need to sit and check your relationships as not all of them are soul connections, some are attachments you created to fill a void in your soul left by low self-esteem, lust, fear, and loneliness. Not all ties in your life belong there, some are just replacing the love you haven’t been giving yourself.   

The most difficult leg of this journey was forgiving myself for everything I allowed to happen to and put myself thru. It’s amazing how quickly I was able to forgive someone for hurting me all out of fear they would no longer speak to me, were mad at me or just no longer liked me. Now that I’ve learned how to love myself, I don’t give a rat’s hairy ass if someone doesn’t like me because I love me and that’s not out of arrogance, it’s out of peace and acceptance of who I am. For most of my life, I felt self-conscious whenever I entered a room, worrying that everyone was talking about and criticizing everything about me but I now walk into a room with my head held high with confidence and let the haters’ comments roll off my back as none of them are providing any of the three F’s necessary to be a factor in my life.

While I’d never profess to know the perfect route to get you steady on your self-love path, I am confident in this one practice known as Hoʻoponopono which is a traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. To do this, make time for yourself, go to your mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and repeat, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you” at least 3 times.

I will admit, when I tried this for the first time, it felt weird to look myself in the eyes and I realized how many times I’ve only looked at my appearance and never connected with myself. The power of this exercise is strong, I burst into tears just by looking into my own eyes because, I guess the old adage is true, eyes are the window to the soul and mine was in so much pain all I could do was the ugly cry because it was at that moment, I felt all I’d been thru.

Once you have taken the time to apologize to and forgive yourself, you’ll feel a weight lifted and it’s time to begin pouring love into yourself again, it’s okay to be selfish with this as you’re no good to anyone else if you’re pouring from an empty cup. I have committed myself to Self-Care Sundays where I find a way to pamper myself every Sunday and that could be anything from a pedicure to a face mask or even getting a massage just because.

Your idea of self-care could vary from mine and that’s okay, do what calms and centers you as long as you commit a day to it. Since committing my Sundays to self-care, if I am not able to do something for myself, I’m thrown off for the week.

I know there are a lot of women who get their nails done on a regular basis but are you enjoying it or doing it more out of obligation? To those who get their hair done, are you feeling pampered and at peace while you’re sitting in a salon for 6 – 8 hours because your stylist quadruple booked herself?

I feel safe in saying you’re feeling more irritation and frustration than anything else as your entire day is wasted due to someone else’s lack of time management. Self-care and love are about doing the things for yourself which cause you to lean your head back and close your eyes as a smile creeps across your lips.

There’s no love like self-love because if you don’t know how to love yourself, how can you expect someone else to know how? Once you begin your greatest love affair, you’ll start to see how much of an effect it has on your mental health, things will start clicking and fitting together like never before.

Hey, hey, Lovelies! During this month of May, there were a couple of ‘holidays’ which most of us celebrated, the main 2 that come to mind are Mother’s Day and Cinco de Mayo. Now, I feel safe in saying we all celebrated Mother’s Day in some form or fashion as we simply would not exist without a mother. I also understand that Mother’s Day is hard for some as their mothers are no longer here and will be suffering in the same way, myself, next month when I don’t get to go shopping for my Daddy. Since I am pretty much a hermit at this point, I didn’t celebrate Cinco de Mayo as it’s too peopley outside for me and, well, COVID. In about a week, we will celebrate one of my favorite times of year, Memorial Day, when the pools open and I can begin to get rid of this pasty ass winter white I’ve been sporting for about 8 months and replace it with a nice golden tan.

Some may be aware and others may be oblivious to the fact that May is also Mental Health Awareness month. While I, as someone whose mental health hasn’t always been in the best shape, believe this shouldn’t just be acknowledged for 31 out of 365 days, I am happy to see that attention is finally being brought to this issue. Even though national attention is being brought to the importance of mental health, it’s still a bit taboo in some cultures and even more controversial in the different genders.

I know I sound like a broken record when I express how happy, grateful, and blessed I am to be a woman but it couldn’t be truer when it comes to mental health as I am able to freely speak about how I feel or even have an anxiety attack because I’ve over thought something so much my brain simply can’t keep up.

There are some people who believe that your mental wellness is your responsibility and, for the most part, they are correct as no one truly knows what’s going on in your mind except you and, most times, what causes the instability is even you don’t know what’s cause the imbalance. However, there are actions and words which damage you mentally and, before you have time to realize and heal those wounds, you have someone in your life who doesn’t understand or respect you are going thru something. Here’s an example of such: during the pandemic, I took the time to learn how to do lash extensions on myself and am pretty damn good at it but I also have O.C.D. and anxiety.

I spend about 1.5 hours doing my lashes, getting them absolutely perfect and they should last about a month but I have developed a tick of sorts which causes me to use my nails to pick each individual lash off, one by one. I have no idea why I do this; I just know when I’m sitting in the house vegging, have nothing to occupy my mind, I begin touching my lashes and searching for imperfections. When I find one imperfection, in my mind, they are all imperfect and I painfully pluck each individual lash off. My sister, GOD love her, has video called me while I’m in the middle of my tick, have about 4 lashes on one eye while the other is still intact, and gotten a good old belly laugh at my expense and that’s fine, y’all have read enough about her to know she’s been an asshole long enough to no longer faze me. Instead of talking to me to try to understand that this happens when I am mentally unhealthy, she suggested I get a fidget widget or have them professionally done with the belief that if I pay for them, I won’t pick at them and look like Kermit D. Frog by day 8 of installation, bless her heart.

She fails to understand it’s not a financial thing with me as spending a couple hundred dollars isn’t going to deter me as I’m sure I’ve spent more than that in supplies already thanks to my shopping hobby. This lil tick of mine is something I’m trying to understand about myself so I can grow some eyelashes again.

As some people know, I proudly consider myself to be the poster child for therapy as my first session was when I was 7 years old and have no problem getting a tweak here and there when I begin to feel ‘off’. Being such a proponent of therapy, I struggle to understand why others are so adamant about not getting some couch time to talk about feeling jilted and unloved when their sibling got 3 Oreos ® and they only got 2 which has affected them in some way their entire life.

There is a stigma on Black men seeking and receiving therapy that I don’t understand and, as a Black woman who treasures our Black men, it breaks my heart as I believe they need it more than any other ethnicity due to all they endure outside in the world and have to carry around inside.

I have taken on the personal task of working diligently on my mental health as I know it’s been the cause of the demise of relationships and I can own that now. Due to me being ‘the sensitive one’ who would cry when asked what was wrong, my family was conditioned to do whatever it took to not upset me and LORD only knows what that would have been from one day to the next. This wasn’t fair to them but I so love and appreciate them for protecting and sheltering me from things which would have probably sent me over the edge I was constantly teetering on.

While that protection is endearing, it also kept me in a bubble and away from the day-to-day shit that happened in and around the family; as a grown woman, I’m still treated like an extremely fragile piece of crystal who doesn’t feel as connected to my blood as I should and suffered a lot alone by choice. Even though I may feel a sense of disconnect, I know all I have to do is make one phone call and they will all be at my side, and some in front of me, to handle who or whatever is causing me discomfort.

I have found that working on my healing of the issues which caused my instability which was masked as misery and, in turn, expressed as anger now enables me to show up as an authentically nice person. I am not being fake, I’m just no longer weighed down by my pain and darkness. I find it funny that my boss doesn’t even believe I use profanity or drink and was taken aback when he heard me blow my horn in traffic! This is hilarious to me because anyone who knows me also knows I have quite the potty mouth, was taught to drink by my Daddy, and have used my horn so much I broke it and had to resort to using my finger until it was fixed. At nifty fifty, I am so settled into who I am and what I want out of life, I am a duck dammit!

Now, don’t get it twisted, while I may not give into the petty bullshit or immediately jump into revenge mode as I’ve done in the past when someone pisses me off or does me wrong, please don’t test me because the only thing stopping me from grabbing a throat at this point is the unwillingness to be Big Bertha’s bitch while wearing prison orange.

Recently, my sister and I got into it………..wait, that’s incorrect. There was a conversation, one of us received it from their perspective and it blew up into a one sided, 4 day long texting war. This situation showed me how much I had grown as I didn’t argue and kept my voice and tone calm as I truly wasn’t upset, I just wanted the shit show to be over. Due to our past, I’m going to guess that me calmly saying, “It’s fine” was some sort of trigger as it only fueled the anger in and caused her to spew nastiness for days on end.

In the past, I would have immediately been sucked in and gone toe to toe with her but my energy no longer allows me to behave that way. During this exchange, I took the time and responsibility to set a boundary, I recognized who and how she is and drew a line. Did I express any of this to her? Ummm, hell no as that would have only opened a whole new can of annoyance and that boundary isn’t for her, it’s for me, my sanity, and mental stability which I’m no longer sacrificing for anyone else, I’ve been thru too much and worked too hard for this peace.

Mental health is something everyone should be mindful of and get a grip on before it damages whatever they have left in their life. Yes, I understand everyone is not comfortable speaking to a stranger about their uncle touching them but I’m sure you have someone in your life who will lend an ear, shoulder to cry on, and arms to hold you that you feel safe enough to share your pain with who won’t judge or criticize you.

While I believe in therapy, I also know sometimes all you have to do to begin the journey of healing is say it out loud. You may not personally know me but know this, I am a very good listener who doesn’t judge nor offer unwarranted advice and am here if you need or want to share.

Hey, my Lovelies! Not too long ago, I spoke on red flags when dating at our age and I’d like to continue that conversation as I seem to have recognize and collect a couple more. Now, when I speak of these dating red flags, I can truly only speak from my perspective as what scrapes my soul may soothe yours and vice versa, I’m just sharing my take on the bullshit covered in perfume others are attempting to serve me. Go grab that spirited beverage, get comfy, and let’s get into it.

Being a mother, whose daughters are the only reason she is still on this earth, I refuse to deal with someone who is a parent but makes no effort in seeing, bonding, or even talking to their offspring. I’m not even going to ask for anyone to help me understand this behavior because, to me, it’s unacceptable. Yes, I get that the other half of their DNA is a total waste of skin but, what’s that got to do with the children? Oh, the other parent is difficult? So what! It is such an oxymoron to say you love your children but haven’t seen them in years. I’ve said it before and will keep repeating it until the dumb asses in the back hear me:

no child asked to be here, it is your responsibility to do everything in your power to not make them feel like a burden. There was a point and time you were a child who didn’t ask to be here and, yes, you may have an absent parent as well but, how does that make you feel? Having an absent parent in your life growing up made you turn your back on your own seeds because you survived with only one parent? If you have seeds you don’t see, nurture, and pour into, forget my face and existence as I’ve already forgotten yours.

Next is time and the unwillingness to make it for me. Look, I am not asking for you to be up under me 24/7 as I fear that would turn into a homicide situation and prison orange is not my color. When I am interested in someone, I want to spend time getting to know them and, I’ll refer to the age-old adage of, you make time for what you want. I understand collectively we are busy taking care of business on professional and personal levels as well as having some alone down time, I’d never interfere with that as I treasure my own.

To me, if you are not making time to see me, you are not interested and this has now become 1 sided which means, it’s time for me to reclaim my time. It is very unattractive for anyone to feel as though they have to chase you when you clearly showed interest.

What is so hard about taking someone on an actual date? Yes, I am aware that inflation is kicking our asses right now which is why I wouldn’t suggest breaking the bank on a single date as there are plenty of things to do that don’t cost money. I will also admit that I miss dressing up and going somewhere fancy but also have the understanding it’s not an every date type of situation.

Hell, invite me over or suggest a movie and pizza night at my place so we can just chill and enjoy each other’s company. Well, this type of date would be after I got to know and trust you enough to let you know where I live but is still a good time had by all. If you are not interested in taking the time to date me, you’re not interested in remaining in contact with me.

When I meet someone and take the opportunity to get to know them, I learn the things they like to do, I pay attention to their interests, hobbies, and ventures. Now, while it’s true I don’t do a lot, I do write, that’s my niche and how I express myself and if a guy isn’t taking an interest in that, I don’t feel he’s truly interested in who I am as a person. I met a guy who is a Star Wars fanatic and I honestly couldn’t bring myself to watch all 90 movies to learn about it because it truly doesn’t interest me, I’m not even going to front on this one.

However, when I saw something related to this franchise, I surprised him with a little gift because that’s what brings him joy and I let him talk about the series because I noticed he lit up at the mere mention of it. I am not asking for input on my writing unless I specifically ask for it, I’m just looking for support by reading my blogs and buying my book when I take the time to write it. It is free to support someone’s interests and means the world to them but is a slap in their face when they’ve supported you and get nothing in return.

I am all about privacy in every aspect of my life and do what I can to ensure it in my relationships as what goes on between me and another person is not everyone’s business. What I am not comfortable or accepting of is being a secret.

Now, some will say they are the same thing but they are vastly different as when you are with someone and you’re both private about what you do, others know you are in a relationship, they just don’t know your business. Whereas you feel hidden or as your Boo is ashamed of you as no one knows you exist, even when you’re in the same room with them. If you can’t let it be known you’re with me then you will not be with me in any facet.

Going from communicating on a regular basis to going a week or two without hearing from your person. I will be the first to admit I have a rather jankety sleeping pattern as there will days I fall asleep and am dead to the world at 7 pm and other days I’m wide awake, scrolling social media at 2 am because I just can’t sleep but that doesn’t mean I’m ignoring a text or phone call. I am not asking anyone to constantly contact me but a simple Good Morning will do the trick as I didn’t wake up next to you and lets me know you are thinking of me when you wake up. While I’m on communication, let me state I appreciate a phone call from my person on a semi-regular basis instead of nothing but texting. Yes, to those who know me this is a little contradictory as I am not big on talking on the phone all the time but I do enjoy hearing my Boo’s voice instead of just having to get my glasses to read conversations via texts.

Maybe I’m just different but when I’m interested in someone, I enjoy hearing from them on a regular basis and will begin the process of overthinking when I reach out and get crickets in return. If you can’t maintain the same level of communication, please don’t start it with me.

I understand and have been told numerous times that someone is listening when I speak and, if I’m comfortable with you, I tend to talk a lot. While someone has claimed to have listened, there have been many times I’ve not felt heard by them. As I stated, I can be rather chatty but during that time, I am sharing a lot about what makes me comfortable, what I’m learning are triggers, or even how someone else’s actions (or lack thereof) made me feel. Here’s an example of me feeling heard: we are together in at a function and there are people there who have been less than pleasant to me which will immediately change my entire disposition. Now, if attention was paid during a conversation, he would see the change in me, understand I was uncomfortable and get me out of that situation or just come stand with me to reassure me I’m not alone.

A dude who will just go about his business and party while I’m on the verge of a panic attack isn’t there for me and never really listened to a word I said.

As I’ve stated before, the dating pool at this stage of life is shallow as ant pee and has a bit of poo in it, this shit is not fun nor is it easy and it’s taking everything in me not to fully embrace the spinster title at this point. Yes, there are good people out there, I would never deny that as I feel I am one of them but that also comes with the understanding that everyone has some shit with them. I am not perfect and am not seeking perfection in a mate, I am merely seeking someone who enjoys being around and with me, is a decent and respectful human being, and doesn’t judge me for my idiosyncrasies. If I meet someone with those qualities, we can be goofy together, and it turns into forever, great but I’m not forcing anything, just letting it flow naturally.

Keep your eyes peeled and don’t ignore the obvious red flags being waved in your face, you have too much to offer another person to settle for mediocrity.

Hey, hey, my Lovelies!! Known to some, unknown to others, I celebrated my 50^th trip around the sun almost a week ago! Yes, I am officially in the 50 and over crowd and, to be perfectly honest, it feels absolutely fandamntastic! My daughters have flattered me many times by stating they forgot I was even in my 40s because that means they don’t see me as an old lady with archaic thought processes about life but the amount of side eyes I’ve received, I don’t believe I’m ‘the cool mom’ either and have never strived to be such. I’m good with my girls confidently knowing they can come to me for and about anything, that means more to me than anything.

They always say life changes when you turn 40 and it’s very true, my 40s were a brutal decade long lesson in all aspects of life. I will admit that I’m not the quickest learner because I lead with and trust my heart over my brain which has caused me undue heartbreak and hurt feelings at the hands of others but, the reality is, it was all brought on by me, I’ve no one else to blame. Yes, we usually want to blast and talk shit about those who have hurt and done us wrong but we knew who they were but wanted so badly to believe the good they didn’t recognize in themselves that we chose to stick around getting walked on like a dirty, worn-out doormat. My eyes have been completely opened to the fact that how someone treats me has nothing to do with me but how I react and respond is 100% my cross to bear and I’m no longer carrying other people’s shit with me.

 I know on most people’s birthdays, they replay their entire life, going over that reel with a fine-toothed comb trying to pinpoint where they messed up or made less than stellar choices in life, pondering where they would be on this birthday if they married for money instead of love or gone to college instead of working straight out of high school. The fact a time machine has yet to be successfully created and used, reviewing your life with sadness, doubts, resentment, and regrets is totally pointless because what’s done is done, you can’t go back, all you can do is enjoy the time you have left in front of you. On this birthday, I looked back on my 49^th year at how very much had changed in the span of 12 months and all I could do was smile with a tear or two in my eyes because it’s been some good shit with some sadness sprinkled in here and there but that’s what life is made of, right?  

Over the last 12 months, I have become an empty nester for the first time in my life as my oldest insisted on staying 900 miles away after graduating college to make it on her own. While I want her here with me, I have to let her grow up with the understanding she can always come home. My youngest made the decision to move 1.5 hours away to live with her father for the first time in 14 years and my heart shattered at the mere thought of her not being with me every day but I respected it. This beautiful soul selflessly told me, “It’s not that I don’t want to stay with you but it’s time for you to live your life for you, you’ve lived for us for the last 20 years, it’s time for you” and all I could do was respect it.

Have I gotten this life she was referring to? Ummmm, no, I’m still an introvert who enjoys the peace of her home more than being out with people but I am finding peace. For the first time in my life, my mother and I spent 8 whole days together, just me and her and, I’m not going to lie, it was a bit rocky for a minute because I’m not used to anyone in my space. I am overjoyed to say that after an intense Come to Jesus meeting, my mother and I are in the best place we’ve ever been. The trip and heated discussion were needed in order to put the puzzle pieces together and everything over the course of my life clicked and made sense.

Last year, I endured a toxic and hostile boss who caused me such mental distress I was barely eating, slipped into a depression, and doubted my abilities. I decided to do something for myself and chose to leave a company I thought I would retire from because I loved their mission and my coworkers so much but my mental health was more important and landed my absolute dream job and boss.

Hell, my boss is so great, I actually get up, dressed, and commute into work 3 days a week and am grateful it’s only 3 days as I don’t think I could have gone from 100% remote to in office 5 days a week. With my youngest daughter having graduated from high school, I was no longer restricted by a school district as to where I wanted to live so, I packed up, hired movers for the first time in my life, and said good-bye to the city I called home for two decades of my life. With the free time on my hands, I have also started writing my 2^nd book and am blessed that my new company has connections with a publishing company which is giving me more motivation to get it done.

When I tell you this 50^th trip around the sun came with a sense of calm, peace, and zero tolerance for the bullshit, I mean it with every fiber of my being and it is a feeling I don’t think I can formulate into words for anyone to understand. I have always been a very sensitive and emotional person, taking everything said to, around, or about me to heart and then I would take the time to overthink multiple scenarios to make myself feel even worse for letting someone down by having a reaction to their behavior. Yes, I know, it sounds crazy but that was my existence for 49 years and, like magic, when the clock struck on my 50^th birthday, that way of living and responding simply disappeared. I have adopted a new mantra, feel free to embody and use it: I am no longer giving time, space, or energy to people or things that make me feel like shit.

As I stated, I’ve been emotional but not an over-reacting emotional person which means I’ve never caused a scene and shown my ass in public. Have I regressed and actually reacted purely off of emotion? I sure have and then beat myself up for letting someone take me out of the character I worked so hard to step away from. Due to being an overthinker, I have thoroughly thought out what it is I want to say to someone and am very clear in my words (word nerd), it is no longer my responsibility how what I say is received and perceived. Now, this isn’t to say if someone ask me for clarity on what I meant I’m not going to further explain, it’s to say that if you are in a shitty mood and try to attach it to me or my words, that has nothing to do with me, refer to my mantra above.

Even though I’ve been accused of being entitled, spoiled, and, my fave, a gold digger, I have never asked for anything tangible for my birthday, all I ask is that it’s acknowledged and am deeply grateful and appreciative of the gifts I do receive. Since I don’t ask for anything, it’s a challenge when people want to get me something because I have no suggestions for them because I don’t need anything. I used to jokingly, but seriously, say I wanted a Boo for every gift giving holiday but I’m really beginning to rethink that because I’m kinda feeling this dollar bill singleness phase of my life. Now, if the one comes along and matches my drive and energy, I will not turn him away, I’m just no longer focusing on that aspect as I’ve wasted too much time waiting for turds to turn into decent human beings.

I may be fabulously 50 but I’m not old and receive the blessing of every day I wake up on this side of the dirt because it’s a privilege denied many. To quote my Daddy: Calling me old doesn’t hurt me, you better hope you make it to this age because tomorrow’s not promised to anyone.

Hey, hey my lovelies! I know it’s been a minute since I’ve touched base with y’all but I’ve been busy reveling in the repaired relationship with my mother! Yay us! Trust me, I thought that her 8 full days visit with me would’ve resulted in a death and jail sentence but, I am happy to say that we are now closer than ever with a lot more understanding of one another and I couldn’t be happier. After the visit with my mother, my baby came and spent an extended weekend with me and we actually enjoyed the time with one another and, let me tell you, being the parent of an adult is different but also refreshing.

With that being said, having spent time with my mother and having a very heated (and necessary) Come to Jesus meeting with her and then taking the day off to go to museums with my daughter, a lot of things were put into perspective for me. There are times that you need the shit shaken out of you a lil bit in order to assess all relationships in your life, where you want to be, what you want from them, and which ones no longer serve any purpose in your life. So, bear with me while I quote Auntie Maxine and reclaim my time.

Have you ever held a grudge with someone for their actions or words towards you? You haven’t? Yeah, me either. In the next blog, we’ll discuss this and other lies we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel like bigger, better people but for now I’m going to get into grudge holding. When I was younger, yes, I held onto grudges for so long, I would end up forgetting why I was even mad at the person but that didn’t matter to my petty ass and I stayed mad because somehow, they deserved it.

Yes, that was so incredibly stupid and immature but, to be fair, I did say I was younger and have since learned that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I’m over here fuming and they are living their best lives! The audacity! This is one way I reclaimed my time years ago and have been continually banking it ever since. I have come to realize that you can hold someone accountable for their actions, forgive them, and move on with your life without them, why give them your energy as you carry that burden of anger? Life is too short and that shit weighs you down, reclaim your time.

While we’re on the subject of grudges, have you ever disliked someone because your friend or family member didn’t like them? You have carried such disdain for a person you never met in person but have already judged and convicted them based on a story told to you by your friend/relative from their perspective. Yep, guilty of this as well because I thought that if I hated someone that had hurt or offended someone I cared about, it showed loyalty but it showed ignorance a lot more.

Here’s a perfect example: my father used to beat my mother but never laid a hand on us and I didn’t hate him. I was challenged and come for by someone I cared a lot about who questioned why I adored my Daddy and the answer was simple – the relationship between my mother and father was theirs, the relationship I had with him had nothing to do with it, I was a child. Was I proud of what he did to her? Hell no but I was proud of the man he became and fact he apologized to her, her parents, and us for what he did as well as changed his behavior. I am not judge and juror, I can’t convict him nor can I hold a grudge against him for his choices, those were his to live with for the rest of his life and, trust me when I tell you, it ate him up every day until he took his last breath.

I grew up living by adages shared by my family and the one which comes to mind right now is “Not having a dog in that fight”. I’m not sure if this is something country others wouldn’t understand so, here’s a simple explanation: Have you ever had a discussion with someone, it gets heated and then a 3^rd party who has nothing to do with the price of tea in China jumps in and stirs the pot, aggravating an already emotionally charged situation? The 3^rd person had nothing to do with the discussion but took it upon themselves to get involved and, in turn, ganged up on 1 person by siding with the other. This person who didn’t have a dog to bring to this fight has now made the situation worse and taken it upon themselves to be angrier than the original two individuals who were working their shit out fine. This is a huge time and energy waster because now there are 3 people who are pissed off with one another, straining relationships unnecessarily because someone who had nothing to do with it felt it was their right to get involved.

Let me be clear when I say this, no they didn’t! If at any point you see two people you care about in a discussion that’s getting heated, be the cooler head and resolve it, don’t pour gasoline on it and then light it with your words and actions, that helps no one. I, personally, believe those who interfere in situations that have nothing to do with them are miserable souls looking to disturb the peace of others, don’t give them that power. The way you reclaim your time in this situation is to just remain calm, never raising your voice regardless of how ignorant they get, agree with your person that you’ll continue this discussion when it’s just the two of you, and walk away with your head held high.

How many times have you been told that the reason someone can’t be with you is because you deserve better than they are showing you? Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Now, this person knows at their core they aren’t willing to give you what you deserve, not that they can’t, they just won’t because you’ve not demanded or even requested anything different from them. When you hear this, you will be able to feel your heart shattering in your chest because the only reason you put up with their shit was because you hoped and prayed they’d show you the same respect they’d shown others or at least give you what they knew you deserved but chose the punk way out. But wait, they don’t just let you go, they stick around enough to keep your hope alive without putting in the effort you deserve, all the while holding you up from your happy ever after, and you’re foolishly enough in love to accept those lil crumbs they toss your way every now and then. So, let me get this straight, we both agree that I deserve so much more but only from others all while accepting the lackluster shit you toss my way when you’re bored or horny?

Yeah, nah, reclaiming ALL my time and giving it to the person who recognizes what I deserve and goes out of their way to give it to me.

I know these examples only begin to scratch the surface of how we’ve wasted so much of our time due to immaturity, misery, toxicity, and love and I will continue to share areas where you can easily reclaim your time (feel free to share your time wasters in the comments). The truth of the matter is it’s a choice that we make based solely off of emotion at the time but moving on is also a choice and that’s how you reclaim your time. No one is perfect, we all slip and back slide because we are forever growing and evolving, we don’t know everything and once it’s all figured out, our time here is done. It’s not, initially, going to be easy to reclaim your time because it’s easier and more comfortable to behave the way you always have so, how’s that working out for you? Has letting someone come in and out of your life at their leisure lead to your happy ever after? Has sticking your nose in other people’s issues and stirring the pot mended relationships? Has carrying someone else’s grudge added 1 second to your life? Has holding a grudge towards someone altered their life in any form or fashion? The next time you’re confronted with any of these situations, embody Auntie Maxine Waters and say aloud, “Reclaiming my time”

and walk away with your head held high!

Hey, hey, Lovelies! I humbly apologize, in advance, but this isn’t going to be a light-hearted blog today and might be kinda heavy and triggering for some but I need to share this so that others are aware and gain an understanding of the threat, damage, and dangers of verbal and emotional/mental abuse.

What has prompted this message is what I’ve been seeing in the news and on social media about a super famous couple dealing with a divorce. The things I’ve seen are truly disturbing, triggering, and unsettling for me and way too many others. Their names are not important, the actions are. This couple shares children, have been having problems, and the wife decided she can’t do this shit anymore but the husband is having a problem accepting the fact his marriage is over and his wife doesn’t want him anymore so, he has begun tormenting his soon-to-be ex-wife.

To some, the female’s reactions to the threats and antics have been called “divorce theatrics” or they’re “suggesting she stay for the sake of her children and honor the commitment to GOD, family, and community”. Let me ‘splain something to you right now, while marriage may be GOD’s ideal, HE never meant for you to live a life of misery, stop suggesting women stay in abusive situations for your religious ignorance. Also, if you care so much about the children, think about what it’s like for them witnessing his treatment of their mother and the extended damage it will cause them. These sentiments are being shared by those who’ve not experienced what she’s going thru and are usually male originated. Oh, don’t misunderstand, there are some females who are criticizing her as well and boosting her husband up by saying she’s just a scorned woman who doesn’t realize how lucky she is to have this man showing his love for her. No, she is an abused woman who is trying to save her sanity, life, and children’s mental well-being.

For those of us who have been in her shoes, we are terrified for her because we know what she’s going thru, how it can escalate, and what the outcome could be. We are scared for her because, although what the world is seeing may seem like a lot, we know it barely scratches the surface of how much worse it is behind closed doors. We understand how unrelenting a scorned lover in denial of the end of the relationship can be and how they’ll do whatever it takes to inflict pain on us at whatever costs. An abuser doesn’t care what damage it causes their seeds because they have their lover in their crosshairs, doing whatever it takes to make them feel the pain they’re enduring thru fear.

We know this taunting and tormenting doesn’t stop because we are no longer with them, it continues well beyond the end of the relationship and has us looking over our shoulder in fear of them just popping up and possibly doing harm to us. When you deal with mental abuse from your partner, you know them and your fear is maximized because you really aren’t sure what they’ll do to have you back with them. Yes, while it’s true they never hit you, that was because you were still there with them, now that you’ve left, there’s no telling what actions their jilted heart will cause them to take.  

I spoke with my mother today about this situation and it’s truly heartbreaking that we spent a good amount of time discussing this at length because we’ve both been there. The more heartbreaking statement is that my mother endured both the physical and mental abuse, I just endured the mental and, what makes it sad is that I say “just the mental”. Some time ago, I spoke up about what I had been thru and was, pretty much, gaslit by my offender and told I didn’t experience anything I spoke of and needed to, basically, shut up because I was making him look bad.

Foolishly, I began to question my own memory, wondering if I was creating these scenarios, was I making this up, was I being dramatic, like, was I really trippin’? HELL NO! The shit happened and happened for years! I will not shut up about what I went thru because there are other women out there going thru it right now and if I can reach just one and let her know it’s not her fault, that’s what matters to me. That’s the thing about abusers, they break and isolate you, have you believing they are the only ones who love and accept you which causes you to rely solely on them because everyone else is against you. The person you love and promised to love you will belittle, disrespect, and shame you while having the audacity to tell you the reason they say the things and treat you the way they do is because they are just trying to help you live up to the potential they see in you.

I have been having conversations with other women who have been in my shoes and I tear up because we shouldn’t have to deal with this shit and especially not at the hands of the person who promised to never hurt us and always be our protector. I know many of you say “That would never happen to me. I’d never let someone break me, I’m too strong and confident. I’d leave the first time my partner ever did xyz”.

Baby, let me tell you, it ain’t that easy nor is it that plain and simple. One thing people don’t get is that this shit doesn’t happen overnight, this is not an instantaneous situation, it is a methodically slow process you never see coming or even realize you’re in until it’s too late to easily break free. Over time, they will be in charge of the finances because, as you are told, they want to relieve you of the stress of managing the money but this means you don’t have your own coins to leave = control. Every aspect of my life was controlled and I let it happened because I felt he loved and wanted what was best for me. While this may have been true, love shouldn’t hurt the way it did, love doesn’t make you get on anti-depressants to the point you’re emotionally numb to appease your partner and their friends/family, love doesn’t let ANYone disrespect you, love doesn’t give you body image issues. LOVE DOESN’T HURT SO BAD YOU’RE CRYING IN A CLOSET OUT OF FEAR YOU’LL UPSET THEM FURTHER WITH YOUR TEARS!!

A person never has to lay a finger on you to abuse you, remember that! They use their words to break you down, make you feel as though you’re not worthy of better treatment because you are the problem, criticize and never compliment no matter what you do right or wrong, and once they know they’ve broken your spirit, they use their bullying tactics to further control you. You may be blessed to have that one confidant, the person you feel you can go to for sympathy and understanding but, since your partner is so charming and charismatic outside of your home, your person never believes what you tell them or how bad it truly is. When this happens, you feel even more alone and believe deep down that you are the problem because everyone else absolutely adores them. Let me say it again and louder for those in the back:

YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Just like they love bombed and gaslit you, your loved ones are under their spell as well but you will find the strength to get from under it but, unfortunately and as you already know, it won’t be easy.

No matter how much it’s suggested or requested for me to shut up about this, I will not be silent about what I endured at the hands of someone who vowed to love and protect me because I am a survivor and my story deserves to be told and heard. I wish I had the magical answer to help every single person in this situation but I don’t, all I have is a listening ear, some words of advice, and a reassurance I am here for you because there weren’t many there for me and I felt utterly alone. I’m going to take that back, there would have been more there for me if I had only shared what I was going thru but I didn’t because I felt this was my marriage, all marriages had their issues, and I was the main cause of the problems in mine.

If you or someone you know is in a mentally or physically abusive situation, reach out to someone/be there for them, begin making plans to leave/open your home to them as a safe haven, be present in their every day life not just when they call in tears.

Be safe and great my loves!

Hi, my lovelies! I don’t know about you but, when I was growing up, we weren’t allowed to compliment or brag on ourselves as it was deemed as being arrogant or conceited. We were raised to be silently humble, regardless of how good we looked, we had to keep that shit to ourselves. A couple of years ago, a friend of mine tasked me with creating a list of 10 things I love about myself so I could begin my ‘self-love journey’ and I got stuck at #3 because all I could hear was my elders telling me not to be vain because it’s unattractive and, to this day, I’ve yet to complete that list.

When I saw this challenge to share my favorite part about myself, I decided that it’s time to humbly brag on myself because I’ve come a long way to overcome the damage done to my self-confidence and self esteem at the words of others to become the fandamntastic Queen I am today.

One of my most favorite parts of myself is my heart, not the one that’s beating and keeping me alive but the one that allows me to feel, love, and be loved. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy the organ in my chest is healthy and continues to beat on a daily basis but I’m prouder of the heart that’s been shattered and ripped apart by those I’ve loved and trusted not to betray me. The trauma I have put my heart thru has, at times, been physically painful. Yes, I say that I put my heart thru trauma because it was my choice to stay with people who showed me who they were and I kept going back in hopes my love would be strong enough for them to realize the damage they were causing. I have spent many nights shedding tears that soaked my pillowcase, get up the next day as though nothing is wrong, and never given up hope on sharing my heart without worrying about it being returned broken.

My heart is big, pure, and beats strong despite being held together with Scotch ® tape. I have known people to get hurt and allow themselves to become bitter and set out on a mission to destroy other people because one person hurt them but my heart won’t allow me to do that. I am known to be the giver of many chances because, while my eyes may have seen them, my heart has ignored the mountains of red flags

to see the good in people even when they can’t see it within themselves and, no matter the amount of pain I may endure, I would have it no other way. I understand that hurt people hurt people and it’s not up to me to even a score of sorts because their actions aren’t my cross to bear and I forgive them so I can move on with my life without the weight of pain and resentment.

I am grateful for the package that Mommie, Daddy, and Jesus put together and my next favorite part of myself is my physique. While I may not be the baddest bitch out here, I am finally comfortable and feel damn good in my skin. I haven’t always been appreciative of my figure because I haven’t always had one and envied the girls in high school with the small waists, big butts and hips, and ample bosoms because I didn’t possess any of that, I was slim and long. For most of my life, I have dealt with body image issues because I would see other females who were a lot thicker than myself and feel inferior and as though I couldn’t compete for anyone’s attention. I am proud to say this is no longer an issue nor concern as I don’t need some random dude’s raggedy ass attention to make me feel good about myself, I do that on my own.

I am grateful that I can eat pretty much whatever I want, not kill myself in someone’s gym, and it doesn’t show on my 5’9” frame. I used to hate being what others deem as tall because I felt awkward as I towered over most of the males around me when I was in high school which caused the rift between me and heels, I didn’t want to add to the height I was already ashamed of. As I’ve matured, I have come to appreciate the blessing of height and proudly wear my 5” stilettos without being fazed by or concerned with the fact I can usually see clear across a crowded room as majority of the people in there are under 6’ tall. My physique may not be what used to be called a brickhouse with a donkey ass, abnormally tiny waist, and child smothering breasts but I embrace my natural grown woman curves as they fit and compliment my frame perfectly.

My next favorite part of myself is my face. When I was younger, my features were deemed to be too big for my age as I had big ‘funny colored’ eyes, fat cheeks, a big mouth, and, alas, the cleft chin. My ‘funny colored’ eyes aren’t strange or outrageous, they’re simply hazel and change from light to dark depending on my mood at the time. I inherited my eyes from my Daddy and used to do everything I could to make them stand out but the amount of makeup I would apply only distracted from them so, I no longer wear makeup unless I’m going out for the night, I just let them naturally shine bright on their own. Children, and most adults, can be extremely cruel when pointing out something different about you which usually isn’t a bad feature or even a flaw but they make you feel like shit for it anyway. Some people are so broken, they get mad at you for being whole.

I have come to appreciate and admire the dimple in my chin because it’s something I get from my Nana and I’m one of the very few in my family who is blessed with it. I love my ample lips and, prior to having to wear a mask in public, I made sure to pick the perfect shade of lip gloss or lipstick to emphasize and draw attention to my mouth and spotlight my relatively straight teeth. I am blessed to have been able to suck my thumb for 18 years and not need braces nor have an extreme overbite. Oddly enough, I’m also grateful for my Resting Bitch Face because it prevents people with intentions of doing nothing more than wasting my time of approaching me as I don’t have time, tolerance, or patience for bullshit and my face conveys that without me ever having to utter a word.

I love my brain! Yeah, I know that sounds odd, corny, geeky, and weird but I really do. I love the way it retains and thirsts for knowledge. I have been blessed to have people in my life who have encouraged me to use my brain and not my looks to make it in this world as looks fade but knowledge is forever. Trust me, I wasn’t that appreciative of my mother when I had to read the dictionary when I was younger but I am so grateful for that experience now as I am able to hold intelligent conversations using ‘big’ words correctly. I am somewhat of a word nerd and love doing crossword puzzles and learning new words, I light up like a child being shown a new toy. My brain also enables me to be quick witted which some consider being a smart ass and I am totally fine with it because I never lie, just point out the obvious and that can be a bit much for some to swallow at that moment.

Every favorite part and aspect of me is tied to my lineage, connected to someone I love, respect, admire, and adore. I now know resenting any part of myself is a slap in their face so, today, I stand tall and proud of the strong, beautiful Black Queen with a pure heart, captivating eyes and smile, intelligent mind, and somewhat of a smart mouth. I am falling more in love with myself each and every day as I gain appreciation of not looking like what I’ve been thru.

We’ve all been picked on and apart by someone who wasn’t happy with themselves and took it out on us which caused us to take it to heart and dim our shine because words really do hurt. Take a moment to look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful/handsome you are, compliment the features that make you who you are, wear that outfit that shows off your assets, do whatever it takes to embrace the fabulousness of you! Stop hating yourself for everything you’re not and start loving yourself for everything you are!

Hey, hey, Lovelies! How many times have you been minding your business and you see someone walk by looking absolutely fabulous and decide to let their fashion sense inspire a change in your own? Well, I’ve tried to step out of my box and add more colors and patterns but I am a confirmed two-color-Annie and feel uncomfortable in busy clothes. As I go thru my daily life, I understand you can find inspiration anywhere such as someone’s work ethic, their generosity, or just their laid-back nature. Today, I am going to share what it is about those in my life who inspire and give me the strength to keep going no matter how dark and dismal life may seem.

I come from a long line of extremely strong and proud women who inspire me in every facet of life and make me want to be and do better as, not just a woman but, a human being. Some of you may be aware but most probably aren’t that I have had a very strained relationship with my mother for decades. Yes, yes, I know, I only get one but I’m very strong willed and was determined to have things on my terms. Take a guess how that’s worked out for me.

I’m blessed to say that we’ve both taken the steps to work on and make our relationship better and healthy as we’re both getting older……..well, her more than I (still not claiming that 5-0 til April). My mother’s strength is truly unmeasurable because she has endured enormous amounts of pain, heartbreak, and strife over the course of her life but you’d never be able to tell it from looking at her. My mother endured physical abuse at the hands of my father and stayed with him in the hopes it wouldn’t happen again and the love they shared would make him stop.

To save her own life, my mother did the unthinkable and left without her reasons for staying: me and my sister. Since the issues were between the two of them, she felt leaving us in the only home we’d ever known because she knew he wouldn’t harm us and, he never did. I can’t imagine the pain she endured being separated from her babies but she did what she had to do to be around to watch us grow up. My mother put the shattered pieces of her life back together, found a place of her own, and regained custody of us while working her way up the career ladder until she became management in her company.

My mother has always been the epitome of a classy woman to me as she never had a hair out of place, carries herself with dignity, demands respect from all who encounter her, and stops at nothing to make sure my sister and I have everything we need, even if that means she goes without. For the longest time, I thought my sister and mother got along so well because they were so much alike but that’s not the full truth. You see, just as there are different versions of ourselves we share with different people, there are different versions of my mother and she is who she is with me because she knows that’s the Mommie I need to be who I am. Honestly? For so the longest time, I craved the carefree relationship she and my sister share but now realize the one we share is the one I need to be the best version of myself. I have always gotten the strict, strait-laced version of my mother which caused me to emulate her demeanor and behavior because it’s truly who I am at my core and only my mother recognized that as a mother knows and understands her children as no one else ever could. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and say that I’m living my mother’s life as my marriage ended in divorce, causing me to be a single mother and struggling to maintain my sanity and feed my children. I can narrow down one way my mother inspires me because her entire being is the reason I strive to be the best version of myself I can offer the world as I want to always make her proud with my actions.

I speak all the time of how big of an asshole my sister is and, she truly is but, GOD forbid, anything happens to her and I will be no good. My sister has been the only constant thing in my life for its entirety. When our parents were going thru their shit, it was her who came to comfort me, pushing her own fears and feelings aside to make sure I was okay. Sure, she tortured me but she was only fulfilling her role as a big sister and, boy, did she ever take that role seriously!

My sister and I are as different as night and day, existing on total opposite ends of the spectrum and weren’t close growing up because, well, duh, she was my tormenter and I kind of hated her for a while. While it’s true we weren’t close, I would have dared anyone to make a move to harm or insult me because before they had a chance, she’d be in their face ready to beat the brakes off of them and she’s still that feisty and ready to fight for me. There is a 2.5-year age difference between the two of us but she took on the role of a 2^nd mother when our parents split up and we bounced between two houses and she continues mothering me to this day.

I am inspired by my sister’s strength as she chose to be a single mother even though she never even planned to have children and my nephew is such a handsome, well-rounded, respectful young man thanks to her guidance and upbringing of him. My sister and I don’t always agree on child-rearing practices and it took a minute for her to understand what worked for my nephew was not going to work on my girls but she eventually got it and showed me more respect as their mother. When I fell on extremely hard financial times, my sister didn’t bat an eye and took care of me and my girls, putting aside her dreams for home ownership to make sure our lights stayed on. I have spoken of the fear of her being taken from me via breast cancer but cancer is no match for the strength of my sister as she fought with everything she had to beat it while smiling and laughing thru the pain of chemo. I know my sister has gone thru hell but she’d never share the details as to not burden or worry me, she is my protector in every sense of the word. She has a sort of 6^th sense when it comes to me because whenever I’ve been going thru something, she drops whatever she’s doing and makes her way to be by my side, regardless of distance or time. This is not only true for me, she is there in the same capacity for my daughters, before I even have a chance to ask, she’s making plans to take off work to be there when I can’t.

I may talk a lot of shit about my sister but she is my person, the one I can stay on video chat with for hours and never run out of things to talk about, the first one I call when I have some tea, the one I go to for advice, and, essentially, my hero and best friend. When we lost our father, I never saw her shed a tear because her focus was on being strong for me so I could break because she knew it would be even harder on me if I saw her breaking as well. My sister is my external bravery, giving me the courage to do things I’d never do on my own but with her by my side, I can do anything.

While there are so many women in my lineage who inspire me, I wanted to take a moment to thank my Mommie and Sisser for inspiring, teaching, and guiding me to be the Queen I am today. Without their strength and examples of how to make it in this world, I couldn’t begin to fathom who, where, or how I would be. These marvelous women inspire me to be a proud, strong, respectful, and independent grown ass woman. I admire them for everything they and do because none of what they do is intentional or for kudos of any sort, it’s just who they naturally are and that’s the most beautiful thing about them.

I’m sure you have someone in your life who inspires you and I ask that you take a moment to let them know as I’m sure it will mean the world to them.

I love you Mommie and Feesher, thank you for being you and all you do for me and the girls.

Hey, hey Lovelies! I just got off a video chat with my oldest daughter and she asked why I was wearing makeup since I don’t leave the house. First of all, she didn’t have to come for me like that. Secondly, all I have on is my red lipstick in honor of Wear Red Day to bring attention to heart disease.

I find it amazing that my father’s favorite color was red and now I’m wearing it to honor and bring awareness to heart disease as, I learned later in life, he suffered from it. See, that’s what heroes do, they learn a diagnosis and keep it to themselves as to not worry anyone they love. Do you know how strong you have to be to suffer with pain and discomfort along with fear of it taking you out all by yourself?

When I was 10 years old, I experienced my first loss of a loved one, my Granny who passed from lung cancer. Now, being so young and living in the early 80s, I had no way of doing research to learn more about this disease or how to support because I also didn’t have a job. Yes, cancer touched my life at an early age but all I felt was the loss of my grandmother, the matriarch of our family. The suffering in silence that my father exhibited, he inherited from his mother as she was such a hard worker, she didn’t take the time to go to the doctor until breathing became too uncomfortable and inconvenient but, as you would guess, by then it was too late and she gained her wings 10 short days after being admitted.

I grew up having a soft spot in my heart for various causes which, inevitably, touched my life in some way and I’m not able to nail down just one singular cause. Yes, lung cancer is a front runner for me because I have lost my grandmother and father to this terrible disease. Since losing my father, I have had time to research lung cancer a little bit and found that while smoking is a leading cause of lung cancer at 80 – 90%, only 10 – 15% of smokers will contract it but it still claims 1.2 million lives per year. I have also learned that African Americans are 18% less likely to be diagnosed early, 23% less likely to receive surgical treatment, 9% more likely to not receive any treatment, and 21% less likely to survive five years compared to white Americans. These statistics are staggering and make my brain hurt which is why I’ve tried to be better about going to the gym more often as I lead an otherwise sedentary life. Slow down, when I say more often, I’m lucky if I go 3 times a month and that’s 3 times more than I usually go but I’ve gotta start somewhere!

I am also passionate about heart disease because my father dealt with that disease as well and his blood courses thru my veins which means it may possibly affect me. Unbeknownst to many, heart disease is the leading cause of death for women and is significantly higher in Black women than any other ethnicity. While my father may have had lung cancer, it was cardiac arrest which got him his wings, his heart just couldn’t take it anymore. The scariest part of heart disease is that it’s a silent killer, something you don’t know is there until it’s possibly too late and it’s even scarier for females as the symptoms don’t present themselves the same way in our bodies as they do in men.

Here is a list of symptoms for women: Neck, jaw, shoulder, upper back or upper belly (abdomen) discomfort; General weakness; Changes in skin color, such as grayish skin; Shortness of breath; Pain in one or both arms; Nausea or vomiting; Sweating; Lightheadedness or dizziness; Unusual fatigue; Heartburn (indigestion). If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, please schedule an appointment to get your heart checked out, Queen. Oh, don’t think I’m forgetting about my Kings, y’all go get your tickers checked as well, we need you here for the long haul.

In November 2013, I became passionate about, yet, another cause as my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. Yes, I have told many stories of how big of an asshole she is but that is my sister and I need her here with me more than words can explain. My sister apparently inherited the suffer in silence gene because she went thru her diagnosis, testing, and biopsies 100% alone, never sharing with me or our mother what was going on. I watched my sister endure chemo, lose her hair, and be in pain but, thru all of that, she still looked out for and took care of me and mine.

I felt like the least supportive sister in the world because I really didn’t want to shave my head in solidarity with her but knew I would muster the strength to do it but she insisted I not do it. Instead of me shaving my head, we came to a compromise of me getting her favorite haircut on me which I maintained every 2 weeks until her hair began to grow back. I had already lost my Daddy and begged, pleaded, and fussed at GOD not to take her because I wouldn’t survive the loss of my sister as I barely survived the loss of my father. I am happy to say HE heard my cries and pleas and she has been cancer free for 8.5 years.

As some of you are aware, I’m a self-proclaimed word nerd and do a daily crossword puzzle which brings me to my next causes of passion: Dementia and Alzheimer’s. I’m not sure what year my Grandaddy was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but I know I stayed away because I couldn’t watch the most brilliant mind I’ve ever experienced turn to mush. My fear was unwarranted because GOD and the Universe had my back as he always called me by name and was lucid whenever I was in his presence. My Nana suffered from Dementia but it was such a slow progression that she was diagnosed and 10 years later, there was barely any semblance of memory loss. I had learned my lesson and mustered up the strength to spend time with her when her mind started to deteriorate but, again, GOD and the Universe looked out for me as she was lucid and calling me by name every single time I was with her. I am blessed to have been able to spend time with them prior to their diagnoses as I spent two weekends a month with them in my early 20s, I just enjoyed being around them so much I couldn’t and wouldn’t stay away. Both of these diseases are harder on those who love them than on those suffering from it because we experience their mental deterioration as they forget our names, birthdays, what day/year it is, and where they are at any given moment.

We all have a cause or few we are passionate and what sparks passion for you may be totally different or identical to what creates my spark. If your passion comes from the loss of a loved one, make sure you’re staying on top of your health by getting regular check-ups because most of our elders refused to go to the doctor because someone before them went to the doctor and never came home again.

There are too many medical advances in this day in age for any of us to perish at an early age. When you make that appointment, take a loved one with you, share this information so you are not alone. There is no need to be a pillar of strength, you’re allowed to lean on someone, trust me, they will appreciate it more than you realize that you thought enough of them to include them. I am speaking from experience here because I wish my father and sister had let me in more but not telling me everything was their way of protecting me.

There are a plethora of causes to be passionate about which need our support in some form or fashion. To support a cause, you don’t have to contribute financially, educating others on the risks and signs of diseases is still support. You can get involved with organizations and take patients to their appointments or deliver meals to those who are no longer able to leave their homes. One of the biggest ways you can support those suffering is to spend time with them as that means more than any dollar amount you could provide. Don’t forget to schedule those appointments and make sure you are a bill of health!

Hey, my Lovelies! I’m not sure if you can tell or not but I’ve been in somewhat of a nostalgic mood as of late. There are times I just look around my home and see pieces of memorabilia I have acquired from loved ones who are no longer with us and I smile because it takes me back to a time when they were here.

During a recent video chat with my sister, I saw her childhood stuffed animal by the name of Puppy Love. He is a stuffed dog who strongly resembles Snoopy ® as he is, or used to be, a white beagle with black floppy ears wearing a red t-shirt and, this poor Tink Tink has been thru absolute hell, come back, returned to hell, and then retired on her bed. Poor Puppy Love has but one eye, the black yarn which used to distinguish his nose is gone, his once white fluffy fur is now a compressed hue of grey I can’t really describe, his red t-shirt no longer has his name on it, and his large head struggles to stay erect after 47 years. When I look at her favorite toy sitting so lovingly next to her, I hate her for a moment because I don’t have a favorite toy anymore.

My sister and I have always been night and day when it comes to our personalities. I was the typical little girl who loved to play with her baby and Barbie ® dolls and have tea parties with my stuffed animals while my sister was hanging out with her friends doing GOD only knows what. I was so happy when my daughters were old enough to appreciate Barbie® because that meant I would be able to play with them again and this time they came in a wide range of different skin tones. When I was younger, the only choices were blonde-haired, blue-eyed Barbie or her best friend Christie who was very dark skinned with unusually large pale pink lips, horrid makeup, and short, kinky hair.

There wasn’t a doll that looked like me but my daughters were able to have dolls which looked like them in different skin tones, heights and body types, way to go Mattel!

I’m not sure if any of you remember the series “The Bionic Woman” with Lindsey Wagner as Jamie Sommers but I was absolutely in love with that show, she was awesome!

This show was so popular they created a doll in her image and my parents blessed me with this doll and I cherished her. She was so fabulous and had all the features that the actress on the show had: the bionic module buttons under a flap on her forearm, bionic modules in both legs, when you turned her head, there was a clicking sound to indicate her supersonic hearing and she was dressed in her iconic tracksuit! I mean, how fabulous does she sound? I loved playing with my Bionic Woman while also playing with my wide assortment of Barbies ® and, I’m not sure if my sister hated dolls or seeing me get joy from them made it clear every chance she got.

I would usually do my elementary school homework and then head downstairs to our playroom and play with my dolls but this one day was different as Jamie was nowhere to be found.

I was afraid to ask my mother where she was because we weren’t allowed to lose stuff as there was a place for everything and everything was to stay in its place. Asking my mother where my doll was would have resulted in a tongue-lashing lecture and probably punishment for not being more responsible with my toys.  I searched every nook and cranny of our home and still no Bionic Woman and wondered if she had a secret mission and would just come back home when she was done.

After two days and no sign of my favorite doll, I began to worry that I had been irresponsible and Mommy threw her away because she was lying on the floor somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be. I gathered my courage and asked my sister if she had seen her and, much to my surprise, she walked over to her dresser and pulled her out of a drawer! My little mind was swirling with confusion because I always thought my sister hated dolls but the confusion dissipated when she handed me just her torso! My sister had snatched off her head, arms, and legs and destroyed the bionic arm by ripping off the flap and peeling off her mechanical panel!!!

What demon spawn do I share a gene pool with?! To add insult to injury, this little shit was laughing hysterically and said, “How fast can she run now?!” and left me standing there in tears.

While it’s true I had other dolls, none were as special as my Bionic Woman, not even my Rodeo Ken ® doll who had flexible hips which my sister also destroyed by snapping the rubber bands which kept his legs in the ‘sockets’. I don’t know how many times or ways I need to reiterate how much of an asshole I grew up with.

If you still have a toy from your childhood, it’s obvious that it’s special as you’ve held onto it for all of these years. When we begin to grow up, we are encouraged to leave childish things behind as they’ve no place in our adult life and I don’t believe that to be true. There are items from our childhood which soothe our souls as we mature because they take us back to a place when life was simple and uncomplicated. Trust me when I tell you, Puppy Love is the keeper of many of my sister’s deepest secrets and his fur is probably matted from the many tears she shed while holding him thru the years.

Hey, my lovelies! Am I the only who feels that this adulting shit takes a toll on your mind, body and spirit? Remember the days when you had someone take on the responsibility of waking you up, feeding you, getting you to and from your destinations, and paying all the damn bills? All this was taken care of while you lived a carefree life of hanging out in grade school, coming home and doing homework, and then getting to play outside while someone fixed your dinner. I promise we didn’t know how good we had it back then, did we?

I was recently posed with the question of “If I could travel back in time, what year would I go back to” and that seems like a simple enough question, right? Well, it wasn’t an easy question for me because there’s nothing I’d change about my life. Wait, that’s a whole lie. I would have given in to letting my father teach me how to hand dance.

Yes, I have had my ups and downs, heart smiles and heart breaks, joys and sorrows but I wouldn’t change anything because everything I went thru made me who I am today.

This question sat so uneasy with me that I posed it to others to see what they’d do and feel some kind of way about the answers I got. The first person I asked was my mother and she said she would go back to her freshman year of college and that gave me a sad pause because that was the year before she met my father. If my mother had the ability to time travel, I wouldn’t be here. This was something I couldn’t fathom because there is no way I’d ever erase my girls, I’d endure all of the shit in my marriage all over again for them to exist. Now, I know it seems as though I’m being harsh on my mother but I’m really not because I may not have lived her life, I was on the sidelines when she almost lost it at the hands of my father. I sympathize with my mother because she spoke with such a lightness when she thought about going back to her freshman year and having a clean slate. I am not here to judge her, only love and accept her.

I sat on the fence about this subject for several days because my brain had to process each and every scenario several times and I’ve come to my answer: yes, I’d travel back in time! BUT I wouldn’t change not one single thing. The first year I would return to is 1979 when I was 7 years old and we lived with my grandparents and mother for a year. My Grandaddy grew his own vegetables and my Nana made everything from scratch. I’m guessing all the time we spent outside is the reason we weren’t fat children because Nana loved to bake and we loved sweets.

I would go back to the night we snuck to the fridge for a snack but the cherry tomatoes fell off the door and we scattered like roaches, leaving my non-tomato eating sister standing there to catch hell for being out of bed. I would have been there more for my sister who was ridiculed in school for having bucked teeth because I know it was hard on her, I tear up now at the mere thought of someone bullying my sister. I would risk pooping and vomiting red all over again to have Nana’s red velvet cake washed down with red Kool-Aid®. Apparently being young doesn’t enable you to make wise choices, the gluttony takes over your mind.

The next stop on my time travel journey would be 1981, when I was 9 years old, when my grandmother was still alive and our family was tight knit and strong. Little did any of us know that a short 18 months later our family would be rocked and weakened by the passing of our matriarch. When I was this age, we had holiday cookouts at our house every year with all of my family there laughing, drinking, eating, playing spades, and dancing to the music Daddy played on his stereo system he set up in the backyard as the libations flowed very freely.

My sister-cousins would be there and we’d play on the swing set with my crazy sister going so high, she’d pop the leg out of the ground which made the entire thing unstable but living on the brink of death was somehow exhilarating as long as the family was there.

This was the time when my sister-cousins spent every weekend with us and we’d stay up all hours of the night, or so we thought, and make cakes cooked by a low wattage light bulb in our Easy Bake Oven ® and eat the partially raw dough with icing without ever getting a tummy ache. I miss the days of doing things which seem reckless to some but were common place to us such as making box cake batter but never baking a cake, just eating off the mix for days until it grew mold.

I have driven by my childhood home a few times over the years and am amazed how many times we walked the 2.5 miles to the convenience store on a whim and never being tired. On one of our trips, I would have told my best friend that she couldn’t ride my bike which would have put her on the sidewalk with me and not directly in the path of that speeding car. By the grace of GOD, she didn’t suffer any broken bones but she was forever known to my sister as Raggedy Abby because she flew up in the air like a rag doll. I have told you that she was an asshole and that’s not a stretching of the truth, it’s who she is.

To be 9 years old again, riding our bikes to the local lake no matter the season, walking around admiring the beauty it possessed, playing on the playground, and watching my sister drop our sister-cousin, who couldn’t swim, in the water. We worked together to get her clothes and hair dry and our parents didn’t find out this happened until we were all grown with our own children. We were smart enough not to tell them until we could drive away in our own cars and head to our own homes, we are not stupid. Oh, how I miss being in our basement while Daddy played our favorite records on vinyl while we sang along in the microphone, believing we were harmonizing and sounding better than the actual artists.

If I had the chance, I’d go back and snuggle up with my best friend in the entire world, our red Doberman, Baron. He was my protector, confidant, and sleeping buddy which is why I wouldn’t taint my time travel journey to when I was 12 as that’s the year he gained his wings and left me.  

Back in those days, we had actual winters with more snow than we knew what to do with but, for us, it meant no school and we got to put on our snow suits and play while the adults cussed and shoveled the massive amounts of white hell. As an adult and mother who is single, I now feel the same way about the white flakes that fall from the sky because I have to attempt to drive in it and have had to shovel while my girls innocently enjoyed the pure beauty of it.

So many people, if given the opportunity, would go back in time for a redo because they feel their life has been so horrible when it probably hasn’t. Yes, we all go thru shit at some point or other but we have the choice to come out of it bitter or better, it’s up to us not the circumstance as to who we are transformed into. My sense of nostalgia is the only reason I would go back in time, I would make sure not to step on a bug or alter any item while I was there out of fear of altering the future. Okay, okay, I may watch too many movies but it feels right to say it.

In life, there is no undo or redo button, you can’t go back so you might as well enjoy every day you wake up on this side of the dirt because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. There is a way you can go back in time: find your family photo album and immerse yourself in the images, smell the scents of your grandmother’s house, feel the grass beneath your feet, hear the waves crashing against the shore on your family beach vacation.

If you ever want to travel back in time, all you have to do is close your eyes and remember the good times when your loved ones were here and celebrating all aspects of life. Be great, my loves!

Hey, my lovelies! I don’t know about you but I have so many pictures saved in my phone that I’ve even filled up the memory card I placed in there. Yes, I may have a lot of pictures but I rarely take pics of myself as I’m not a huge selfie person. I see people regularly taking selfies and, when I say regularly, I mean they take multiple pics of themselves every day to the point it’s annoying to me. I get it, there are days where you’re feeling extra cute and want to have a record of it to look back on when you’re having a shitty hair day.

While I may not take a lot of pics of myself, there are pictures with me in them that mean a lot to me. This picture means the world to me because it’s of me and my daughters and everyone is at peace but there’s so much more to the story than this snapshot tells.

Almost 6 years ago, we had to abruptly leave our home, the only home my babies had ever known, the home where they were brought from the hospital and grew up in. This event broke my heart because I felt I had let my babies down even though it was to no fault of my own. For 17 years, I lived in this home, I was comfortable with the space and my belongings but it wasn’t until I left did I realize it was just a house, not a home. I live by the adage A house is built of brick and stone while a home is built on love alone. This is the residence my ex-husband and I moved into when we were expecting our first daughter and started off as a home but life happened and it merely became a house. In the house, there was so much room, my daughters and I rarely spent time together unless it was to eat a meal but that all changed when we moved. I found us a two bedroom/two-bathroom apartment within walking distance of their school and cried when I did the walk-thru because they would no longer have their own rooms and I felt like a failure. My sister reassured me that everything would be okay and they didn’t view me as such but my heart wasn’t listening.

We finally got all of the belongings we opted to keep, I got rid of about 85% of the items in the house as we were starting a new phase of our lives and there really wasn’t enough space. I took this picture after coming home from work, fixing and eating dinner, and then sitting down with the girls to watch some television. This picture means a lot to me because, although I thought moving was a curse, it was actually a blessing as the closer quarters forced us to spend more time together. Having both of my babies snuggled up to me and each other soothed my heart and reassured me everything would be fine.

I may not be a huge selfie taker but I make sure to capture the moments that count the most so I can look back on and feel the warmth from that moment. Y’all be great, my loves!

Hey Lovelies! Anyone who knows me understands I proudly state I could be the posterchild for therapy as I’m a firm believer in being mentally healthy. My first stint in therapy was when I was 7 years old and I have my loving asshole of a sister to thank for that. Yes, to some, 7 is rather young to be in therapy but my mother knew something was wrong because I would cry when someone spoke to me and I couldn’t explain it and therapy was the only way she could help me. Well, the truth of all of that is there was a lot of turmoil and domestic violence in my home at one point and then my sister mentally tormented me every single night before we went to sleep but I couldn’t tell on her because I believed she was right about it all being my fault. Hey, give me a break, I was 7 and she’d been in the family two years longer than me, what she said must have been true, right? Ummmm, no, she was hurting and I was the only outlet for her to release some of it or at least as long as I was miserable with her, she felt better.

A few years ago, my therapist and I were talking about finding my ‘seed’, the place where it all began. If I could nail down my seed, I could destroy the tree of pain it sprouted and begin to heal the pain, misunderstandings, and confusion which plagued me in my adult life and relationships.

It was actually shocking to learn that my sister was the one who planted the seed which spawned the many branched tree of pain and confusion because she was the one who was there for me in my darkest moments even though she contributed to some of them. Yes, I talk shit about my sister but there is no one I’m more confident would lay down their life for me and we now have an awesome relationship.

My therapist told me to write a letter to my 5-year-old self and explain to her that, regardless of everything that happens, she will be okay. In this letter, I was to go thru every traumatic experience and relive with adult eyes which helped me gain understanding and help me heal that scared 5-year-old who got the bubble guts from hearing her Mommy cry and beg for my Daddy to stop hitting her. Yeah, shit like that scars you deeper than you realize. I wrote my letter with tears pouring out of my eyes because I’d never really dealt with it because, well, that was my life and I just went on with it as the years went by.

I have come to learn and understand that healing my 5-year-old self was important and pretty much disregarded my teenage self because I thought healing the younger me would heal all of me but that’s not how it works. You see, a 5-year-old is innocent and doesn’t really understand much about life or people’s attitudes towards them, they’re just scared when voices are raised because they feel they are the one in trouble. But, that teenager? She is bitter and angry because she has a better understanding of life because she’s seen more without those rose-colored glasses which protected the innocent child. The teenager has experienced heartbreak and betrayal, she has lived with being abandoned or played, she’s been bullied and teased due to her developing as a woman or even just her physical features which are different from others. That teenager has endured more pain than those closest to her could fathom because she never talks about it, she deals with it by isolating herself out of fear that more insults and displeasure will be hurled at her for being affected.

If I could go back and sit with my 15-year-old self, the first thing I would do is give her the biggest and longest hug anyone has ever received because she didn’t get that type of affection growing up. I would let her cry until she had no tears left to shed because that was an emotion she was chastised for showing to the point of being kicked out of a wake for feeling the loss of the deceased. The inability to show pain thru tears would hinder her as she got older as she wouldn’t cry in front of her own children when she was hurting which would have helped the understand that when you hurt, you express it.

I would tell her how absolutely beautiful she was as her physical appearance was always criticized by those in her bloodline which caused her to doubt everything about herself as she continued to mature.  I would make sure she laughed hard and rejoice in the melodiousness of it because her laugh was silenced due to someone not liking the sound of it so she grew up holding in her laugh and covering her mouth to make it less audible.

Once I see that she is comfortable in her own skin, I would begin speaking the words to heal her. I would tell her how proud I was of her for remaining a virgin until after she graduated high school because maintaining that virtue helped keep her focused on what she needed to do and kept her character clean. Yes, there were some stank ass boys who lied on what transpired between them but that is on them, it had nothing to do with her and those who knew her knew she’d never let any of that transpire. I would hold her hand as I share with her she would experience her first sexual assault at the age of 18 by someone she trusted and, at one time, loved and reassure her that it wasn’t her fault because I know she still blames herself for everything that happened and questions what could she have done differently but there was nothing she could have done differently, he was going to do what he did, period.

Being a light skinned female, 15-year-old me endured years of hurtful comments which caused her to be ashamed of her complexion. She heard damn near every light skinned ‘insult’ you could think of, such as: high yella, light bright and damn near white, piss colored, and even told she could never understand the plight of Black people because she wasn’t dark enough. I would reassure beauty comes in every shade of the rainbow and who you are at your core is what matters. I would brush her hair and compliment the texture because that too had been criticized by others with different types of hair. To some, her hair was nappy because it wasn’t bone straight and to others, it was considered white people hair because it wasn’t kinky enough. She would endure years of criticism for merely being born with the light eyes, light skin, and wavy hair but that didn’t mean she was any less beautiful or worthy of love and attention.

I would share with her that when her Daddy left for a couple of years, it wasn’t her fault because he had shit he needed to work out but he would come back into her life stronger than before. You see, those years he wasn’t present caused her to feel abandoned which caused her to shrink herself in relationships so her partner wouldn’t leave. That abandoned feeling caused her to feel she wasn’t good enough just being her authentic self, she never felt as though she could let her weird flag fly freely without causing someone to lose interest and leave her again.

I would talk with her about her strained relationship with her mother which spawned 3 decades because she didn’t know there was no way to fight the reality of them being alike. I understand how hard she fought being like her mother and that was due to the constant tension between the two of them which often erupted in nasty arguments and periods of not speaking to one another. I would tell her to understand her mother had a lot of shit going on in her present life as well as dealing with being abused by the one person who was supposed to protect her. I would comfort her by telling her that she and her mother grow to have a close relationship but, unfortunately, a lot of years were wasted by both of them trying to be right and never bending to understand the other’s perspective.

I would begin to wrap the conversation up by telling her about the beautiful daughters she brought into this world who, in a sense, saved her life because she fought depression due to everything she had been thru when she was younger. There would be times in her life where the pain will feel as though it’s too much to bear and it would be easier to just end her existence but she didn’t because it would hurt those who loved her too much.

The most important thing I would share with my 15-year-old self is this: You will survive everything thrown at you and find your strength. Everything you go thru is to show you how strong you truly are. Your lineage is full of strong, determined, phenomenal women, you have a purpose.

We all go thru things in life and majority of it isn’t voluntary, it’s at the hands of someone we love and trust which causes scars we don’t acknowledge but show up in other areas of our life. I would highly suggest to anyone to take time to pen a letter to your younger self and, more importantly, to the teenager in you who is still angry for everything which transpired and damaged you before you had a real go at life. That teenage you is still damaging relationships because they are scarred and scared of letting someone close to you again because their experience is being hurt when they’ve let someone in.

Get your favorite spirited beverage and have a long, heart felt talk with your younger self thru written word, it will heal present day you as well. Be great, my Lovelies!

Hey, hey Lovelies! Have you ever had a dream so real that when you woke up you were living the emotion of the dream? When I was married, my husband had a dream where, I’m guessing, I had been unfaithful and he woke up pissed and stayed mad for quite some time. I guess my laughing at how ridiculous he was being didn’t help but, to me, this was hilariously unfathomable because I had enough shit going on in our marriage, with work, and raising our daughters to even attempt to offer someone else my time and attention. Let’s also factor in the fact that I am a faithful partner, once I commit to someone, theirs is the only attention I seek. Now, if he had had a dream that I went on a shopping spree and emptied the bank account, I could understand him being angry because that was so much closer to reality due to my shopping hobby.

Don’t get me wrong, I was raised to understand what specific dreams meant from a very young age and have earned the badge of “The fish dreamer”. I’m not sure if it’s country or what but, as I was taught, when you dream of fish, that means someone is pregnant and every single time I’ve dreamed of fish, we have welcomed a new member of the family. This might explain why I got so upset when my daughter called me a couple of months ago and told me she had a dream I was a fish! I refused to hear her out and simply said, “No, ma’am! NOPE! There is no dreaming of fish and me at the same time!” and she begged me to listen to her dream and why it made her cry. Hell, the possibility of me being pregnant at 49 brought tears to my damn eyes but I would probably be considered a saint as it had been so long since I had gotten laid, my name would be Mary because I had immaculately conceived the 2^nd son of Christ! Her dream was that I was a fish, even wore a little blazer and sat a desk in my fishbowl and worked every day.

This broke her heart because she could never hug me again and she couldn’t live without ever receiving that from me again. To her, me being a fish was worse than me dying because she could see me every day but never touch me. Yeah, yeah, that’s very touching but couldn’t I have been something besides a fish?!

Just like my daughter had a dream that stuck with her and my ex-husband had a dream that altered his entire reality for a few days, we all have that one dream that just hits us so hard it makes us question what’s truly real. I am an avid dreamer and even keep a dream journal on my bed so I can scribble down what I recall from the really odd ones so I can piece it together and figure out what my ancestors are trying to tell me. I have heard stories of people who have had their loved ones visit them in a dream and reveal specific numbers to play and they win the lottery. Well, I don’t have those types of ancestors, mine make me work hard to figure out what they’re trying to tell me even though they know I’ll get frustrated and give up.

I have had many dreams of my Daddy since he gained his wings and some feel so real that I wake up relieved that his passing was just a bad nightmare but the true nightmare hits when I realize I can’t just pick up the phone to hear his voice. Imagine being in a dream in present time and your loved one is there, life is what you deem as normal as you’re laughing and just enjoying your loved one and then…………………………you wake up. This type of dream creates such a delusion that you wake up in euphoria that their death was the bad dream. When I have had this type of dream about my Daddy, I’m not instantly snapped to reality when my eyes open, reality doesn’t hit me until I start remembering the day he went down and never woke up and my heart breaks all over again. While it is a blessing to have him visit me in my dreams, it hurts just as bad as the day he passed when I realize it was all a dream.

There is one particular dream that has stuck with me for over 20 years and it involves my brother. He passed away suddenly at the preciously young age of 27 and it absolutely crushed my entire spirit. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, we opted not to learn her gender because, if GOD wanted us to know, my stomach would have been transparent. Before you ask, no, that didn’t apply to my youngest as I had a lot of pink everything and needed to prepare if we had a boy. When I was 7 months pregnant, I had the most vivid dream of my brother I’d like to share with you. We were on a row boat in the middle of a large body of water and he was holding a baby swaddled in a plush blanket and he couldn’t take his eyes off of the baby’s face. I will never forget the look of being so in love with a human being I saw in his eyes. He let his eyes leave the baby’s face long enough to look me in my eyes with a tear in his and said, “She’s so beautiful, she looks just like you. I am so blessed to have another niece to love on. Thank you”.

Even though I would never be sitting in a row boat in the middle of large body of water, this dream felt real, he felt real, I truly felt his spirit and energy with me. I woke up and smiled because, to me, he wasn’t dead and I was going to call him to tell him about my dream but before I could get my phone, I realized it was his spirit which visited me in that dream. It’s not just the warmth of his spirit that makes that dream stick with me it’s the fact he was truly holding my daughter in that dream because that is the child I call my clone as I truly spit her out. Anyone who knows us and has seen her will attest to the fact that she doesn’t look as though she has any other DNA than mine, like I created it her all by myself. The hardest part of waking up from that dream was that I mourned his passing all over again, I was sad and took time to cry in private for 2 whole weeks because I didn’t think anyone would truly understand how it felt. Yes, I cried and cried hard, I don’t think the pregnancy hormones helped at that point.

I have met people who tell me that they don’t dream and I can’t fathom such an anomaly. There are times where I don’t remember my dreams but I know I dreamt something and there are other times when I sleep so hard, I don’t even remember being asleep but I don’t wake up and believe I’ve not dreamed. I am of the belief that dreams are your subconscious thoughts which are only free to come to light when you’re resting and not pushing them aside because you have so much else going on in your waking life. Now, don’t get it twisted, all dreams are not always the sanest visions as some of mine have been a compilation of bat shit crazy to the point I begin to re-evaluate what I had to eat the night before that would cause such nonsense.

We all dream, whether they occur in a deep slumber or in our waking life, they are there to guide and bring us a semblance of comfort with the visits from our loved ones or feeling loved by our crush or getting that big promotion at work. If you’re like me and have dreams that tend to be all over the place, I suggest you get yourself a journal/notebook and a pen that you keep on your bedside table or even on your bed so you can jot down the fragments of your dreams you remember before they disappear, you’ll be surprised at what you learn when you put those pieces together.

I wish you sweet dreams and visits from your loved ones. Be great, my Lovelies! Smooches!

Hi my Lovelies! I was recently having a conversation with my sister and, anyone who knows us knows that our conversations are all over the place. I could call my sister on video chat to show her a new piece of furniture or way of decorating and this should only take, at most, 3 – 5 minutes but those tend to be the convos which we talk about everything under the sun for about 3+ hours. During our conversations, without fail, we will both use a quote/adage our father or older relative would always use and it stuck with us thru our lives. A couple of the more prominent ones our father would use would be “Be a duck” because I always took everything said to me to heart and it weighed me down and I needed to let it roll of my back as ducks do water or “Only dogs like bones” when I felt discouraged about my healthy curves because men like meat on a woman. I love my daddy, GOD knows I do but whenever he would say something like that, I would roll my eyes and tune him out because I didn’t want to hear it no matter how true it was or how much sense it really made.

After getting off the phone with her, I sat and tried to think of my favorite quote/saying and it was like trying to choose my favorite pair of shoes or movie. I felt I had burdened myself with an impossible task but then realized that, just as there isn’t 1 pair of shoes which will compliment every ensemble I have, there isn’t one quote that is a comfort blanket for every situation in life, that’s why there are so many. I regularly just stare in my closet and admire the many pair of shoes I have which are color coordinated like the rainbow and can’t imagine owning just 1 pair of black or brown shoes.

As most of us know, you can’t wear pants’ shoes with a cute skirt so, you need to have multiple styles with different heel shapes and heights to compliment your outfits appropriately. Just as you can’t have that lone pair of shoes, one quote doesn’t fit every situation in life. Think about it, while I may say “It is what it is” often, that doesn’t work when you’re trying to comfort someone who just lost a loved one and, if you opt to use it at that very sensitive time, please be prepared to get kicked out and banned from their presence for being an insensitive asshole.  

The one quote my father regularly used on me was “Nothing beats a failure but a try” because I was, and still am, hesitant to step out of my box out of fear of failing. When you’re a perfectionist with O.C.D., leaving your comfort zone is terrifying because you’re agreeing to give up the one thing you work so hard to maintain: Control. I appreciate my Daddy for seeing how I was limiting myself and trying to help me understand that I would only fail if I didn’t try but I was also dealing with the thought I wasn’t good enough in other areas of my life and didn’t want to add to that list by not being good at this new venture. Younger me was too comfortable and strong willed to do anything which would cause me to leave the confines of my box and just didn’t try a lot of different things in life as the fear of not being perfect absolutely paralyzed me.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to learn that I can’t control everything but damn if I don’t try. As of late, I’ve adopted the mentality of “What’s the worst that could happen?” because, really, outside of dying, how bad can an attempt actually be? Hold on, don’t get too excited, I am not out here doing anything like cliff diving but I’m no longer as concerned with what others may think of me and my dancing to a song that speaks to my soul.

I have always been a huge proponent of “Practice what you preach” and can’t authentically suggest my daughters push their fear aside if I’m not doing the same, I have to be their role model or they’ll search elsewhere and end up down the wrong path. Yes, I’m glad you recognized it, that is my O.C.D. stepping forward and, when it comes to my daughters, I will never relax or try to reel it in when it’s for their better good. I used to think it to be a curse that my daughters, one more than the other, inherited my innate fear of stepping out of the comfort zone of the tiny box of familiarity but I began to appreciate it for the blessing it truly is because I was forced to get out of my box to guide my girls out of theirs. In coming to this realization, I now have a greater understanding of how frustrating I must have been for my parents who only wanted me to experience all life had to offer. I have one daughter, the youngest, who didn’t really show much fear from an early age, she just went with the flow and I admire and am so proud of her for taking chances without batting an eye. While her nonchalant attitude is impressive, it’s frustrating as her parent because it’s hard to punish a child who doesn’t give a shit about anything as her feelings on everything seems to be “Ah well, is what it is”.

After almost 50 years, yes, I said almost as I’m not claiming that number until April, on this planet, I’ve come to see how many opportunities I have missed out on by staying in my box and not having faith in at least trying. How will any of us know if we do or don’t like something or are a beast at a task if we don’t take that first step to try it? As my Daddy always said, you only fail when you cease to try. Be great, my Lovelies, and try something new today! Smooches!

Hey, Hey, my lovelies! Yup, we did it, we made it to another year, yay us, right? After the last two New Years, I’m feeling just as leery of this one as the rest of you but, as with last year, I have hope this one won’t be the same shit show of the last two. I mean, we have more lenient outside privileges, right? Wait, that’s not necessarily a positive because the ones who didn’t know how to act in the beginning are recruiting more idiots, shit. I tend to be an optimist and look at the glass as half full but the last 22 months have caused me to continue to fill that glass with wine and drink it only to refill to get back to my half full glass and then I drink that and just keep refilling until I’m nice, buzzed and couldn’t care less because I keep my ass in the house and away from stupidity because, apparently, it’s contagious.

I always say how I don’t make resolutions at the turn of a new year and it’s because I know myself and the one way to make sure I don’t do something is to write it down. I don’t have commitment issues, I just really don’t like being told what to do, that’s the Aries in me. While I don’t make resolutions, as an overthinker with nothing but time on my hands, I have taken the time to sit with myself and re-evaluate quite a bit of shit in my life lately and how I want to move forward. When we enter a new year, it’s a clean slate of sorts, a blank canvas to create the life we truly want and deserve to live. Go grab your favorite spirited beverage and relax while I share a few of the ways I’ll be living the best life I know for myself at this point.

During 2021, I began to find and use my voice, well, I knew it was there but still had fear of using it to the capacity I was blessed with. For most of my life and too many relationships, I remained silent even though I was breaking inside all out of fear of offending the other person and having them no longer speak to or leave me. I have come to learn I was doing a disservice to us both at that point because they didn’t know what an absolute asshole they were and I lost my entire sense of self all to appease someone who didn’t respect me enough to value what I had to say. I am no longer remaining silent when I don’t like an approach or any sort of aggression towards me, I have learned to move past the fear and knee jerk instinct to regress to a 5-year-old being chastised by their parent. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not out here looking for an argument and don’t raise my voice because Queens don’t need to get loud to make their point and stance clear.

One of the most important things I am doing in my life from this moment on is setting firm and clear boundaries. In the past, I called myself setting boundaries by merely ghosting people because I didn’t own that “No” is a complete sentence. In speaking with a friend the other day, they shared how they were going to just say “No” if asked to do something and I had such respect and admiration for this individual because I have envied that ability for so long. I have a tendency to attempt to say “No” with a lengthy (sometimes bullshit) explanation as to why I can’t do something and still end up doing it because I don’t want to make someone else feel some kind of way. I appreciate this person because they helped me understand that I don’t owe anyone anything as to why I’m not doing something. Again, Queen level shit and energy.

It wasn’t until I met coworker recently did I realize I tend to come off very judgmental. Yes, it’s taken a minute but I got a rude awakening by them as they were merely a mirror of myself and I didn’t like what I saw at all. This interaction was proof to me that GOD and the universe bring people into your life to shake the shit out of you for you to get it together. This is going to take quite a bit of conscious effort on my part because I am a very ‘particular’ person in most aspects of life. The bright spot for me is that this other person is not only judgmental but very close minded and didn’t take it too well when I used my voice to share such.

While I may seem to come off as judgmental, I am open minded and willing to see things from a different perspective. I now understand everyone, hell, very few, think the way I do but that’s not a bad thing because we’re snowflakes. Now, don’t get it twisted, there are some actions which will still get a side eye from me, some shit will never change such as: females who drink beer from the bottle or people who get loud and indignant in public places or those who are married/in a committed relationship and decide to stick their peen in or spread their legs for someone other than their Boo. I will maintain my composure when I see females my age with quite a few extra pounds stuffed into clothes from Forever21 ® to garner the attention of men or the males who use the same tired ass lines on female after female in an attempt to get their dang-a-lang wet that night. Ooops, shit, was that judgmental? I’m still a work in progress, told y’all it’s not easy, I just ask you show me some grace.

Probably the hardest issue for me to work on is the overthinking. If you are not an overthinker, you’ve no idea how exhausting this shit can truly be and it fuels my indecisiveness because I feel as though I have to run thru every single scenario to make a decision. Yeah, I’m a joy to take to a restaurant with a hefty menu. I have come to realize that if I keep thinking about the ‘what ifs’ in life, I’ll never see what can actually be.

There have been many opportunities I’m sure I’ve missed out on because I overthought to the point I come up with a nearly impossible outcome and that ended with 2021. I won’t be doing anything as spontaneous as jumping out of an airplane, I’m still extremely cautious but I will be stepping outside of my box and experiencing life as it was meant to be lived.

One thing I am no longer tolerating in my life is toxic relationships and I don’t care if you’re family, friend, lover, or coworker, if you bring bullshit to me, you gots to go! This Queen doesn’t have the tolerance, patience or energy for drama, we’re too old to still be acting like we’re in high school, I just can’t and won’t anymore. I know we won’t always agree on everything but if we can’t have a mature discussion about it, you don’t need to be in my space because this is where grown folks exist, take that nonsense back to the school yard with the children who of are your mental age.

On the very last day of 2021, we lost an iconic angel, Ms. Betty White. She was admired, respected and adored by millions of people because she was authentic, genuine, and kind to everyone. The one thing I admire most about her is that she lived her life and career on her terms, regardless of how others believed she should. I learned, upon her passing, that when she had her own variety show in 1954, she had a Black tap dancer by the name of Arthur Duncan on her show and her producers attempted to bully her into removing him from the show simply because he was Black. Ms. White pretty much gave them the finger by giving him even more air time because she wouldn’t let her morals be compromised for a check which spoke volumes about her character. There is an old adage that goes “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything” and she stood tall and proud for integrity, equality, and justice. In a world full of Karens, be a Betty.

If you are able to find it in your heart, I ask that you pay homage to the late, great Ms. Betty White and take supplies such as food, toys, litter, and/or towels to your nearest animal shelter as she was a huge animal lover.

With tweaks and understandings of myself, my best life is continuing to load and I’m embracing the fact that 50 isn’t coming with a filter. Be the greatest version of yourselves, my lovelies, as you only have one life to live and should do it on your terms!

Hey, hey, my lovelies!! Yes, we’re inches away from a new year and, no, I’m not going to talk about resolutions or how the slight difference between 2020 and 2021 is that we were allowed outside more. I do not speak on or make resolutions because I have a problem with structure of sorts even though I need it terribly in every facet of my life, I don’t like adhering to a to-do list, I will fail every time and, anyone who knows me knows, I don’t do well at losing/failing. As for the years? Yeah, I’m not getting into that bullshit because it’s pretty much been the same shit for the last 22 months and counting.

Have you ever been talking to someone and you can feel their pain and rage in their words when you bring up the simplest thing and you, literally, have to say, “Damn! Who hurt you?!” Oh, you haven’t? It’s just me? Yeah, I don’t believe I’m the only one who’s dealt with someone who tries to mask their pain and see that shit come bursting thru at the most inopportune time, taking everyone aback for a moment. An example of such behavior could be everyone’s favorite subject: child support! Bring that up around a dude who has a disrespectful baby momma and watch him angrily go after every female in eye sight as though she were the one buying expensive handbags and shoes while their child had ramen noodles for dinner. Be honest, some of y’all got heated from reading that, didn’t you? Calm down, your children ate a well balanced meal, have a nice roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, and are sleeping peacefully in their own beds.

I will be the first to admit that I probably share too openly about the shit I’ve been thru but I want people to know what caused me to be the way that I am to understand I’m not just a bitter, jolted woman. I am a firm believer that you can’t know present me without understanding how I got to be her. There are, however, many people who believe the shit that happened to them has no bearing on who they are but that secrecy and denial only makes the old them come bursting thru at the worst times which are those moments they never see or feel coming which means they’re not prepared or healed from that trauma.

I’ve come to learn that our undealt-with-past tends to tarnish our present and future as they become triggers we usually don’t even know exist because, duh, we moved past that, right? Let me explain something real quick: brushing trauma under the mental rug isn’t dealing with it to heal it and move on with your life in a healthy-ish fashion. I added the ‘ish’ because, really, who’s living a completely healthy life? Oh, you? Okay! I see you! I’m not there yet though so, show a sista some grace, please.

When you experience any type of trauma, you have to work thru and heal it so you can begin to live your best life. The traumas you experienced may be identical to mine or they could be as different as snowflakes but that doesn’t mean one is any more or less significantly traumatic than the other and need to be acknowledged and respected just the same. We all have trauma triggers, ALL OF US, but they are internal demons we have to deal with. Here’s a word of advice: don’t make someone else’s trauma trigger about you; be kind and patient as they walk you thru it; and never expect them to apologize to you for having a reaction.

When you decide to become romantically involved with someone, isn’t that when you have conversations about your pasts? I mean, when I’m chilling with a new Boo thang, I share the most ridiculous stuff that happened to me and we laugh because some of the shit is absolutely hilarious ……………well, it’s funny now but it wasn’t even giggle worthy when I was crying and brokenhearted from being betrayed by the one person I thought would never do such a thing to me. BUT, I share it so the person I am getting to know understands what I’ve been thru so, hopefully, they will learn my triggers and not be the reason I’m sporting the spiffy orange jumpsuit.

If we don’t know someone’s past, we are merely loving the representative who cannot sustain a long-term relationship because there isn’t vulnerability nor transparency. Yes, sharing your past comes with a high level of trust in not being judged for what you went thru and put up with all in the name of love (?). There are things which happened to us in the past that may be repeated by future Boos and have the same result if not spoken on ahead of time, you can’t wait until they exhibit the same behavior of another or you may very well snap. You’ve gone thru enough relationship autopsies to know you are too old and tired to have them continuing to pile up because you kept quiet about your pain. You could have been cheated on by an ex which makes you suspicious when your new Boo doesn’t respond to your text in .02 seconds as if they’re not allowed to be sleep or on the toilet. You could have an ex who was an aggressive, belligerent, abusive drunk and seeing you have more than one drink could trigger a flashback with them and they write you off with no explanation.

I will speak for myself when I say if I don’t see a future with you, you will know the basic, coworker level shit and not the deep, dark secrets I keep buried out of fear of being judged or fitted for a blinged out jacket that makes me hug myself.  You see, sharing that pain and shame comes with a certain degree of trust in another person and if that trust has been betrayed in the past, it will take a little longer to open that door where the skeletons eagerly await release. To have a successful, transparent, healthy relationship, you must shine some light on those skeletons so they don’t escape and cause you drama, heartbreak and pain.

All of this is not to say go on a Tell Ya Bizness tour, sharing shit with random folks, it is to let you know that, once you’re comfortable with someone, let them know what actions betrayed your trust and caused your heart to be held together with Scotch tape. But before you put all your cards on the table with someone else, sit for a good while with that person in the mirror and ask for forgiveness for putting them thru all of that trauma, cry with them to release and heal from the deep rooted pain.

It doesn’t matter if you’re single as a dollar bill or Boo’d up to the GODS, take time out to show yourself some self healing and love as you don’t want to go into the New Year with old shit. Continue to be great, my lovlies!

A couple of weeks ago, I was doing my usual of scrolling thru social media and heard a gospel song from my youth which caused the memories to rush upon me like a flood and overflow thru my eyes causing tears to stream down my face. At this moment, I can’t even tell you the song which triggered the emotions and tears but it hit my soul before my mind could recognize what was happening.

The way that one song hit my spirit, I had to reach out to my sister cousin who graciously shared a long playlist of songs from my childhood which also touched and meant something to my father, his mother and our ancestors. While I listened to the songs, I was taken back in time to when those same lyrics woke me on a Sunday morning along with the smell of bacon and eggs cooking; I reminisced seeing my father singing along to a local radio station playing the songs which reached his soul, all while moving to the melody in his favorite bathrobe. There he was in the kitchen, frying bacon, scrambling eggs and singing along to gospel songs he shared with his mother who he lost before he was ready. When I hear any one of those songs, the smell of bacon embodies me and I always see my daddy standing at the stove, cooking, singing, and feeling the music which connected him with his mother.

It wasn’t until I was a grown woman with children of my own did I learn the significance of that robe he wore until it was damn near sheer thru 2 other marriages (one being a total and absolute shit show) – it was a gift my mother had given him. Trust me when I tell you, if he had his way, he probably would have been buried in it because it meant that much to him and he would’ve wanted to make sure my mother knew he still had and appreciated it. It’s funny to me that it isn’t until we are grown and go thru some jankety ass situations do we realize where we learned certain behaviors from. While my father cherished that robe because it was given to him by my mother, he kept that to himself, never sharing it with her out of fear of rejection and my mother’s mouth. She is my mother, therefore, I can totally relate to the fear he experienced.

But, what I’ve taken the time to learn about myself is that, for most of my life, I’ve shared that inability to communicate with someone I love out of fear of being rejected or made to feel small. As I approach turning half a century quicker than I’d like, I make sure to speak up with the understanding what I feel and have to say matters. Now, granted, there are times when what I have to say goes over as smoothly like a fart in church but the important thing is, I am able to express myself.

Do I believe my parents would have had a long and endearing relationship had they both known how to communicate transparently what was going on within themselves?

Hmmm, as their child, I can’t say for sure but I believe it wouldn’t have been so volatile but that’s coming from a their daughter who’s had much therapy to learn and understand how to communicate with other human beings and I can only say things may not have been the way they were and I’ll leave it at that. I would never say my parents had the perfect and ideal marriage which others envied and they merely grew apart because if I did, I’d be telling a whole ass lie because it was rough in the 70’s. I’ve been chastised for not being angry with my daddy for what transpired between him and my mother but that’s not my burden to carry, he’s my daddy and that’s all I ever charged him with. My parents divorced when I was 6 or so years old but he kept and wore that bathrobe well into my 30’s even though he married 2 different women and received multiple robes as gifts, it was the one from my mother which held true value and love to him.  

Many have accused me of being a hoarder and nothing could be further from the truth; I’m a packrat and there’s a HUGE difference between the two. Do I have a lot of stuff others don’t understand why I refuse to throw away? Yes. Wait, that sounds hoarder-ish because I’ve seen the show.

Seriously, I don’t have piles of newspapers in my corner because there’s an article that I may reference one day or baby dolls piling up because I like their eyes. I will admit I had a mostly drank bottle of Hennessy® because the last time I’d poured a drink from it was for my father and it somehow kept him here with me. Yes, I acknowledge my father has passed and gone on to a better place but that bottle……………………………..that bottle was his because I’m not a brown liquor drinker. I had someone close to me say, “Keeping this little bit of liquor isn’t going to bring him back” and, while that statement was like a knife to my heart and brought forth tears, it was one of the first transparent communications I’d experienced. It’s amazing to me the things we hold on to that were given to us from those who hold a significant place in our hearts. What’s also amazing is knowing if we were at the place in our lives to actually speak up and communicate what was going on, we’d have so many other genuine and authentic memories which only occupy space in our minds and hearts to hold on and share with our beloved because our relationship may have lasted longer than we could’ve ever dreamed of and hoped for.

When we enter into what’s considered a potential relationship, we put our best foot forward in hopes of the other person liking us and, eventually, consider us to be ‘theirs’ to build a life with. We let our representative dictate the beginning and feel things are going well, never taking the time to realize our Boo doesn’t really know us and all the shit we have in our baggage because we wanted to appear…………well, perfect. At forty-fine (9) years old and in the dating game for over a decade, this is hilarious to me. I have had some shit show situations which almost took me out of the dating game permanently but I’ve also had some perfect and ideal scenarios which I now shed tears over due to how I screwed them up on my own.

Yes, I am a brat, have my little tantrum moments, and am pretty much my own saboteur, I own all of this but if you don’t check me and let me know that shit is not okay? It will continue until you can’t take it anymore and just shut down and me out, leading to the infamous relationship autopsy report. I am a firm believer in speaking up when things are going awry, we are too old to be mute and tolerate less than stellar behavior in our potential partner until it becomes too much to bear and we just go silent. We are also too grown not have transparent communication and conversations with the person with whom we share our body and bed; if you can share you body with someone, why can’t you tell them their actions didn’t sit well with you and your spirit? You’ve no problem telling the which position to get into next during sex but you have an issue telling them when their tantrum made you go limp or dried you up?

I don’t know about y’all but I don’t want to be seen wearing a robe 30 years from now from a former partner that’s married to someone else because I didn’t speak up when either of our actions or behavior upset one of us. Personally, if I am with someone and we’ve taken that step to be physically intimate, it should be my GOD given right to share with you how it made me feel to hear another woman call you “Babe/Baby” in my presence and you don’t even flinch which tells me this isn’t the first time it’s happened.

There are so many things wrong with that I’m not sure where to begin so, I’ll just say that no other person should call you what I call you an affectionate name reserved for me. Don’t get me wrong, I know relationships take a huge amount of work to succeed but you have to be willing to let the other person know what scrapes your soul with metal claws. If you don’t speak up about the little shit, it will most definitely become big shit and, essentially, the demise of your otherwise happily ever after. Here’s the reality: we are all children in some facet and if you don’t tell us up front when something bothers you, we will continue on that path and behave in a manner which no one ever took the time to check us on. A huge pet peeve of some people is seeing someone open the fridge, grab the milk and proceed to drink from the container all while standing in their baggy underwear.

Okay, okay, that may just be a female peeve so, I’ll offer a male peeve: a female who pouts over what you deem minor and petty, but is a big deal to her, such as being present.

Look, we all have our peeves and issues but if you speak on what bothers you in the moment it is occurring, you might have a smoother sailing relationship from that point moving forward or learn it truly isn’t that significant and you’re being petty. Hold up, before you jump the gun, this is in no way a guarantee because everyone is not ready to receive in the moment you are ready to share how their lifelong behavior makes them feel but if you come at them respectfully and share how it makes you feel, they might take that into account and do differently the next time. I will throw this disclaimer out there: if they are not fully ready to receive it, be prepared for silence and allow them to process. We all underestimate the power of transparent communication because we feel that, in some way, it makes us weak or vulnerable with another human being.

Wow, amazing how I used weak and vulnerable in the same sentence as though being vulnerable with someone you care about and respect makes you weak, it does not! If there is anyone you’re supposed to be vulnerable with, it’s the person you’re sharing your day, thoughts, dreams, aspirations, bed, and body with, it’s your Boo.

The next time you’re teetering on the fence about whether or not to let someone know their behavior irritates or makes you feel some kind of way, ask yourself this question: If I can share my bed, body, and deepest secrets with this person, all while moaning and screaming their name in the throes of passion, why can’t I let them know when I feel disrespected/disregarded or their behavior is not what I see for my future partner to build and grow with? Too many relationships are just getting by and maintained by representatives so someone isn’t alone. If they can’t handle how you feel or what upsets you, is this really the person for you? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to just give up and cut them loose, I’m suggesting you open your mouth and speak from your spirit how you feel about things that matter to you. I was raised to understand that you know you are fully comfortable with someone when you can fart around them and not have the desire to crawl into a ball in die but how can you get to that point if you can’t even tell them it upsets you when they call someone else “Baby“?

I will own that I have mementos from previous, and obviously failed, relationships but I know I don’t want to be seen and known for wearing a tattered bathrobe from the person who will always hold a part of my heart and spirit without that person ever having knowledge of it until I’m gone from this earth. I hold on to the items from previous relationships because no one has measured up to what that person was to and for me. Hold up, SHIT! Am I my father?!

Okay, that’s something for me to unpack on my own with plenty of wine. There is nothing wrong with keeping mementos from your past but if that’s how you’re living your life, you’re not making room and space for the right one to sweep you off your feet and share your happy ever after. We hold on to the past because our present sucks ass and holding that hoodie, t shirt, or even looking at that picture take us back to a place in time when everything felt good and right. The first transparent conversation which needs to be held is with you and the person in the mirror so you can own and begin to work on the areas you are less than stellar. For me, I am consciously working on not being a brat as well as more transparent in my actions and words because it cost me what very well could have been my happily ever after. Be great my lovelies, Smooches

Whew!!! We made it to another year! I don’t know about you but 2020 was quite the journey for me. As I traveled down the tumultuous road which was the longest but fastest moving year of my life, I learned a lot about myself and made necessary changes, some voluntary and others I just had to suck up and deal with. So very many things took place in the course of 365 days that it feels impossible it wasn’t over the span of a decade, it is still boggling my mind.

Get your beverage of choice, whether it be spirited, caffeinated or just good ol’ water and get yourself comfy as I take you thru some of my lessons learned in 2020.

Over the course of 1 year, I played a part in damaging and losing precious friendships, learned I am more efficient when I work remotely, learned how to create and stick to boundaries, deepened my relationships with my daughters, and released whatever was toxic in my life. Oh, wait, I also learned how addicted to online shopping one can become when they are bored and, thanks to my bank account, I learned how many happy hours I used to go to before everything was shut down. In the beginning of the pandemic, I was squirrely, I felt like a child on an endless punishment because there were a couple of hardheaded individuals who were extending my sentence.

Now, I am very comfortable and get a tinge of anxiety if I have to go places where there may be larger groups of people. I also severely tested the strength of my liver because, well, what else was there to do, right? Wrong! Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go to AA or anything, I just cut back because I realized staying buzzed did nothing but temporarily put my issues to the side, that shit was still there when I sobered up. I always knew I was a homebody but began to question it when I was told to stay home and it wasn’t staying home which was the issue, it was being told what to do that was the problem for me. Yep, you’ve got it, I have a problem with authority, who knew, right?

During this past year, it was reiterated to me that I think I’m perfect and it was stated, as usual, in a way meant to insult me, and in the moment it happened, I took it painfully to heart, but I had a lot of time to replay that scenario in my head and realized that their perception wasn’t my reality. For those who are unaware, my idea of and need to be perfect has absolutely nothing do with anyone else, it is a battle I struggle with inside myself every single day.

My need to be and do things perfectly isn’t to say I’m better than anyone else, it’s a reassurance for myself that I am capable of accomplishing whatever I set out to do and I have very high standards for myself. I used to believe that the need to be perfect at all I do was a flaw and shortcoming because it meant I was somehow a failure if I messed up. Well, I thank that person for throwing what they believed was an insult at me because it enabled me to understand I am really not the one with the issue of my idea of perfection. Let’s be real for a second, who walking this earth doesn’t strive to be the best at something? No matter how big or small it may be, we all want to achieve something with perfection, right? I have a hard time believing that there are people who barely strive for mediocrity in their lives but if that’s who you are, do you, I don’t judge or criticize anyone because maybe that’s all energy they have in themselves after going thru GOD only knows what.

This past year, my judgement was way off and I got too comfortable with people way too quick which caused damage to other people. In believing I had an actual friendship with one person, I shared information about another friend which was a betrayal and caused too much strife to return to any sense of normalcy.

I have owned my part in it and apologized for my actions but, again, have had time to think about it all. I was wrong and will not attempt to justify betraying a friend and that’s all I have to say about that.

There has been an immense amount of loss over the past year, so much so that it seems impossible it all took place over a mere 365 days. We’ve all lost icons and heroes this past year but for a lot of us, that loss struck a lot closer to home than we could ever imagine. Due to the pandemic, some learned their relationships weren’t strong enough to survive being quarantined for months on end which resulted in filing for divorce or just moving out because, with the courts being closed, it was the only option to get away from the toxicity they once believed was love.

For others, the pandemic has strengthened relationships, people got the opportunity to spend quality time with their significant others and learn more about them on deeper levels which made their connection even stronger.

This past year, we learned how very vital and how much teachers mean and go thru with our children every single day of the week when we went virtual and had to stand in their shoes every day.

I will be the first to admit that if this had taken place 10 years ago, I’d have run away from home a very long time ago because I would’ve gone absolutely mad if I had to be my daughters’ teacher while working remotely. Anyone who knows me knows that, unless it’s involving my money, math isn’t my strong suit when it includes the alphabet which would explain why I stopped being able to assist my girls with homework when they reached the 5^th grade. I’d like to pop a bottle for the parents who haven’t left mommy/daddy shaped holes in doors or walls trying to escape due to having to teach their children all subjects in elementary school.

My biggest struggle is ensuring my 17-year-old senior is awake and online at 7:30 am 4 days a week and, believe me, it is quite the struggle most days.

Last year, I tried my hand at writing in a whole new genre and learned I’m actually pretty good at it! So good, in fact, I have decided to move forward and put out a book of short stories. I have attempted to take becoming an author seriously but also learned I have a problem with deadlines and structure, once again the issue with being told what to do rears its ugly head but I’m going to push thru it and get it done.

So many things have been brought to light for me with completing this book that all I can do at this point is laugh at myself and shake my head. The need to be perfect is what’s holding me back, I write something, believe it’s good as gold and then re-read it, find something I don’t like, and spend hours and sometimes days, tweaking something that was actually good. I am adamant about that being a last year issue, I will not bring that energy forward into 2021.

When I was growing up, I would always be told, “Any day on this side of the dirt is a good day, make the most of it” and, in the ignorance of being young, I never took it seriously because I believed I had many tomorrows ahead of me but this year set this country adage in stone. One thing I have come to understand is that every day isn’t going to be a beautiful walk in the park, some days you’ll step in shit barefoot but that’s just that moment, it’s not your final destination. For what seems like the first time in my life, I now know what it feels like to breathe full breaths, no longer are they stuttered from anxiety of not being good enough.

Just this morning, a friend reached out to me and shared a statement, “Distractions do nothing but block your blessings” and that’s straight facts but you have to understand the difference in a true distraction meant to block your blessings and one you create to avoid receiving your blessings. Too many times, we believe something to be a distraction because we are afraid of actually feeling something and that will also block blessings. I, personally, am at the point in my life where I don’t question anything anymore, I let life happen and am pleasantly surprised at how things have been turning out for me. My questioning and doubt about the good things in my life blocked more blessings than I knew I was capable of receiving.

In this brand new year, take the time to let life happen as it may, love those who love you, pray for your enemies as well as loved ones because we all need someone to pray for us, and clean the shit off your foot and take advantage and make the most of every day on this side of the dirt. Raise your glass to a great year!

At the rate 2020 is going, I’ve got my snacks and drinks by the door for when the aliens land so I can invite them in to binge watch Criminal Minds with me. There have been periods in previous years that make you scratch your head and say, “Wow, that’s odd” but that’s been our mentality this entire year and the craziness is just continuing. At the end of every month, we’re are crossing our fingers, hoping and praying the next month doesn’t bring more bullshit to the table for us to deal with because, at this point, what more could there actually be? We near the end of the month and start to get a little sense of peace knowing that the worst has passed and there might once again be a semblance of normalcy but the next month sees it as a challenge while saying,

and destroys any sense of calm only to replace it with more stress and anxiety than the previous month. Grab yourself a spirited beverage, you’re really going to need it, as we do a quick recap of late June thru July thus far since we’re only halfway thru the month.

We are still in the midst of a pandemic but somehow wearing a mask ceased being about health and safety and turned political which somehow then turned religious when people began protesting that it is their GOD given right not to wear a mask. Now, I’m not a bible nor political aficionado so, if someone can show me where in the bible or constitution it states such, I’d greatly appreciate it. There is an uproar on social media about wearing a damn mask saying they kill because, apparently, people don’t know how breathing works.

Racial tensions are at an all time high, statues are being removed whether it be by government or just a fed-up mob. The president decided during a pandemic is the ideal time to shut down Obama Care® but we couldn’t even focus on that because we then learned there was a massive dust cloud coming from the Sahara Desert which, at the rate this year is going, no one would have been phased if the ghost thingy from the Mummy ® were in the middle ready to unleash all holy hell upon us.

Did you hear about the discovery of flying snakes? Yep, they were found in June and here I am being held hostage in my home due to a preying mantis that’s between the screen and glass doors that leads out to my patio. And, please, PLEASE, let us not forget that Kanye West decided to announce he was running for president and then dropped out as quickly as he announced it. The subject everyone is currently talking about now is Will & Jada Smith and learned a new word: Entanglement. To some, they are the epitome of black love but the reality is, they’re also human beings who are just in the spotlight having their flaws and imperfections in their relationship and lives put on display for the entire world to see and judge. Due to companies trying to soothe the feelings of Black people, they are now removing Aunt Jemima from syrup and pancake mixes and we’re terrified as to what it will taste and look like. Most parents learned this week that their children would begin their 2020-2021 school year virtually which I’m sure will increase liquor sales to ease the nerves of their ‘new’ teachers. I know I’ve probably forgotten something but damn, isn’t that enough for 30 days?! SHIT!

Wait! I forgot about the good news for the past month: the murder hornets somehow vanished and are no longer a threat! And, Europe opened back up…………just not to Americans. We are currently not welcomed nor permitted to visit there but some entitled folks decided this rule didn’t apply to them since they were entering the country in a private jet and Europe told them to turn that shit around and go somewhere else.

Okay, let’s start with what feels like an eternal pandemic (such a first world feeling) we’ve been held captive by for about 4 months now. While it was dreary, rainy, and chilly, the cases stayed lower because people had no urge to leave the house but as soon as it warmed up, it seems as though society has just determined this virus no longer exists. My birthday was back in April and I had some making fun of, as well as having sympathy for, me since I had to celebrate via a video chat with my girlfriends. Those same people made statement such as, “I’m gonna flip all this shit over if we’re still on lock down for my birthday in May/June/July”

and, guess what? They are celebrating their birthdays in the same manner as I did. I’ve been telling my daughter since they first began online classes in early April that there was a high probability she would start her senior year virtually as well. She laughed it off and thought I was joking but cried when it became a reality. Trust me, I shed some tears and fixed myself a nice strong drink at the reality of being her teacher while working full time from home, pray hard for all of us: the teenager, me and my liver. Does it suck to not be able to go to the movies, a club or even a restaurant and hang out with friends and loved ones? Yes, it does but we’re alive and the more we ignore the recommendations, the longer we’re going to be on punishment.

Onto the whole ‘entanglement’ which seems to have captivated 85% of us. Personally, I don’t care because I’m not married to either of them. However, I have noticed quite a bit of double standards being displayed on social media; you have men acknowledging Will’s pain and some of those same men have seen that pained look on their partner’s face and done nothing about it. How is that a man can recognize pain on the face of another man they’ve never met but can’t see the same pain on his partner’s face whom he sees every day and shares a bed with every night? I have voiced my opinion and disgust for so-called ‘open marriages’ and, again, to each their own but this recent development shows the hypocrisy in the rules of said relationship. How many times has it been the woman who suggests marriage with the freedom to build intimate relationships with someone other than their spouse? I feel that, nine times out of ten, the woman agrees to it because she believes in her heart of hearts that: 1. It’s not really going to happen; 2. If he does try it, he’ll realize he loves her more and will be more dedicated to their union; or, sadly, 3. As long as he comes home to her, she can live with it. I’ve discussed the double standard of males having multiple side chicks for the duration of their marriage/relationship and expect their partner to be okay with it because they come home every night but get butt hurt and refuse to forgive her for having coffee with a childhood friend and this is no different. He did what he wanted to do with the expectation she would understand and get over it, she tolerated it but was broken inside and found solace in another man and now all hell is breaking loose because he’s hurt because he learned the hard way that two can play that game.

It’s as simple as this, if you have found someone you want to build and spend your life with, spend it with them and them only. If the time comes that you are no longer fulfilled by that relationship, have a conversation with your partner, seek counseling and make an adult decision from that moment moving forward whether you’re going to stay or go, don’t drag others into a situation which already isn’t stable, that’s when it becomes a total and absolute shit show.

This year feels like there’s a time traveler who goes back to fix things and screws things up even further because they step on a bug, drink from the wrong glass, move a couch cushion or go left instead of right which keeps altering our present state.

So much has occurred in the year that was supposed to be everyone’s year to travel more, start a business, build a stronger relationship, or just get their shit together and experience a roadblock at every turn. This is uncomfortable for a lot of us and we want to rebel, protest and just get back to normal without realizing our ‘normal’ no longer exists. Whew! Just thinking of all we’ve been thru in 6.5 months is exhausting but I need to find the strength to get my snacks ready for E.T. and his folks because I’m sure they’ll be here next month.

Y’all be safe and do what it takes to maintain your sanity. Smooches my lovelies!

Yay, we get to celebrate yet another week of stay at home. Yes, I’m with you, I’m absolutely sick of being in the house and experiencing new levels of boredom I never knew existed but I’m healthy, employed and alive, I really couldn’t ask for more. With most of us staying home and doing what it takes to make it safe to go among other human beings sooner, some of us are dealing with different types of stress. What I consider ‘stressful’ are such 1^st world issues and menial in the grander scheme of life such as, waking up to dirt scattered all over my living room floor this morning because my cats decided to get into and tear apart the succulent my girlfriend gave me.

I’m not even going to lie, I was pissed because I’m already challenged when it comes to having a green thumb and if she learned I couldn’t keep a succulent alive, we’d all begin to wonder how my teenager is still thriving. We’re being faced with stressful situations, periods of boredom to the point we’ve finished streaming services and experiencing dark moments which feel as though they are coming up from the depths of our souls and bringing every painful memory to the surface. It feels as though we’re being faced with so much more shit at this point in our lives but, honestly, all of this has always been there, we just now have the time and space to actually deal with and heal the parts of us that have been holding us hostage because we don’t have the hustle and bustle of life distracting us.

A couple of days ago, the 10 year anniversary of my father’s passing arrived and I’ve usually been quite the asshole to those closest to me during the week of that date in an effort to push people away and be sad all by my lonesome. I have the most amazing people in my life because they let it slide the first 2 years because they chalked it up to PMS or just me being my emotional Aries self until I shared with them during my apology the following week why I picked arguments 5 days prior to May 22^nd. When the 3^rd year came around, they told me I wasn’t allowed to alienate them, they are my friends and will be there for me. I, being who and how I am and not used to that type of support, blew it off and didn’t believe it and went about my business until that week approached and they reached out more even when I tried to pick a fight, they told me they weren’t going anywhere and they stood by that statement.

This year, I’ve been blessed to add 2 more phenomenal women to my circle to stand by me and make sure I didn’t feel alone during this dark period of my life. Even though we are dealing with stay at home orders, 2 of them showed up to my home, ordered food, had libations, and laughs with me on my patio all while fighting bugs into the late-night hours. I also had someone check on me throughout the day to make sure I was okay because they knew the significance of that day.

When you become friends with someone, it’s done with the understanding that every day isn’t going to be sunshine, rainbows and unicorns, there are going to be dark periods that each of you goes thru at some point and the most important trait of a true friend is still being there with love and space for them to break. I, as well as most of you reading this, have been thru some quite dark and shitty periods in life where I just wanted to find a dark corner, crawl into a ball and just disappear in hopes the pain and stress would just stop long enough for me to catch my breath so I could actually handle everything being thrown at me at once.

Being who and how I am, one of my biggest flaws is not divulging a lot of what I’m going thru because I don’t want to add to the stress others are currently going thru and don’t share until I’m able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. While I may not share all that I’m dealing with, I don’t snap at someone innocent because the weight of the toxicity in my life causing a dark cloud over my life……………………………………well, I don’t anymore. I used to be the person who had so many innocent bystanders in my wake due to them just trying to show they cared at a point I was ready to explode and they got everything which should have been directed and unloaded on one specific person. The amount of humble pie I had to eat to salvage relationships became exhausting and I learned how to precisely direct my displeasure at the appropriate person. At this point in my life, I live by the adage of

Don’t come for me unless I send for you because I’m too grown for childish shit. If you’re going thru something, share with me and I’ll be there for you but I will not quietly absorb ill guided anger meant for someone else; that’s not how this works.

During this period of solitude, I’ve had time to reflect on my friendships and have taken the opportunity to repair and heal the damaged ones, strengthen the ones I have, build upon new ones, and appreciate those which have stood the test of time. I took the huge step to put on my big girl pannies and confront a friendship which hurt me to my core because, in reality, she is genuinely a good person who made a bad decision but it never stopped her from being there for me and mine when we weren’t even speaking. One night, after having some spirited beverages, I picked up the phone and called my friend, shared my pain and apologized to her for allowing her back into my life only to treat her like shit the entire time, it wasn’t fair to her or anyone in our circle. We spent about an hour on the phone talking about what had happened to clear that air and then another 1.5 hours talking about our jankety love lives and getting another perspective on those relationships.

Over the course of our conversation, many tears were shed but, more importantly, wounds were healed with love, understanding and forgiveness and not just with a temporary band-aid to be able to be cordial around one another. My soul felt the peace of healing that important relationship and we now speak every day once again as best friends, no longer frenemies.

Over the course of my forty-great years on this planet, I’ve gone thru some rather less than stellar friendships in which I’d given all I believed I could, sometimes having gone above and beyond for females who probably wouldn’t spit on me if I were on fire. By the same token, I’ve been blessed to have women show me what it means to be a true friend by filling my fridge when I wasn’t able to and buying gifts for my children on holidays I couldn’t. Just as any other facet of life, you have the good and the bad, each one teaching you a lesson in some form or another.

Thru my shattered friendships, I have come to learn a lot about women and their personalities, mannerisms, and character and that just being one doesn’t automatically mean you understand another. I have a best friend whom I clicked with immediately upon meeting while I was with my other best friend and we, oddly and eerily enough, became somewhat of a trio. I will openly admit that the road hasn’t always been smooth sailing, there was an entire year I missed, didn’t see or speak to my bestie because other people put their raggedy $.02 in and stirred the pot. During that year apart from her, I grew, matured, and came to see the limits which people will go to try and destroy that which they don’t understand because the same people who tried to destroy us were the same ones who questioned why we were friends. Just like any other relationship in our lives, only those personally involved in it understand why it works and it shouldn’t be for anyone else to judge but that’s not to say they don’t and that’s fine, I’m not asking them to be my friend, my pea sized circle is enough for me.

I find it amazing how many times my friends and I have been called lesbians because someone didn’t understand how women could be as close as we are without being intimate and that’s the craziest concept to me. I now see that if it’s not them reaping the same benefits of that friendship, they believe it’s only because they’re not willing to talk to the ‘man in the boat’ and get that person off sexually. It’s sad that guys can have their best friends since grade school, hang out together, cheat on their spouses with approval/non-judgment and never be accused of being gay but women who share the most intimate, darkest secrets of their lives with one another, protect, depend on, and spend time with are. Yes, I bring up men in this post because they’re among those who insinuated we were sexually pleasuring each other because we were close and, unfortunately, got a little gleam in their eye in the hopes of it becoming a threesome and quickly became disappointed when they learned, in no uncertain terms, that we don’t swing that way.

Life is too short, drama and stress filled to attempt to go thru it alone. If you have at least one solid friend who’s been there thru all of your ups and downs, would beat someone’s ass for coming at you wrong, supports you, has your back, views your children as their own, won’t let you leave the house looking a hot ass mess, and you can go over theirs in your jammies with spirited beverages in hand without judgment, HOLD ON TO AND CHERISH THEM!

Individuals such as them are a rare breed but also understand you need to be the same for them in order to keep them by your side. Stay well, healthy, and sane my lovelies! Smooches

Late last year, my youngest daughter was preparing to attend her high school’s homecoming dance and wanted to wear a pair of my heels because, being a 16 year old high school junior, she thought she was grown and walking in high heels just came natural at a certain age. Now, I know the height of all of my shoes and if they’re not flat, they’re a minimum of 3.5 inches tall and it takes a certain level of skill to walk in them. I told her she wasn’t ready for my shoes and we should shop for some more age and skill appropriate for her but she had her heart and eyes set on a pair of open toe silver block heeled shoes which were actually 4.5 inches tall. I tried to persuade her to choose another pair, but the thickness of the heel made her think she could walk in them and boy was she wrong! She put my shoes on, fastened the strap and instantly lost her balance.

No, I didn’t help her but was sure to give her the “Told ya so” look but she was dead set on wearing that particular pair of my shoes even though she walked like a newborn calf. I suggested she walk around the house in them for a couple of days to prepare for all the walking, standing, and dancing she would be doing but she swore she had it. The night of the dance came and she looked absolutely beautiful but had the grace of a baby giraffe on four unused, spindly legs trying to stand up for the first time in life.

Wisely, she chose a pair which were slightly easier to walk in and packed some flats in her little purse because she knew she wouldn’t last all night in my heels. This memory came to mind as I thought about all the times we’ve attempted to start something we weren’t truly ready to follow thru on.

Known to some and unbeknownst to others, I am a huge procrastinator, I will have all of these wonderful ideas, write out a detailed plan on how to accomplish them, start them and then get bored. I openly admit I have had a problem with follow-thru in my life and that was until I moved and saw all of the projects I had started with such gusto and moved on to the next.

Ever since I saw my graveyard of unfinished projects, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t start something I wasn’t going to see all the way thru to completion and the first time I finished something, I felt so accomplished and proud. On the flip side of that, there were many times I stuck with something which actually didn’t have any chance of coming to fruition but I was determined to make it happen and finish it but never happened. When I am focused on something or someone, I do everything in my power to make it work, I have faith, patience, and determination when I feel a sense of push-back which creates that challenge and makes me work harder.

If you ever want me to do something, all you have to do is tell me it’s not going to work out and I will, unfortunately, dedicate too much time and energy trying to prove you wrong. I’ve learned that I don’t like or accept being told what to do but I hate being told what I can’t do even more.

When I look at the autopsy report of my marriage, I always wonder if we got married before we were ready. Did we get married because we had been dating for 2.5 years and felt the pressure from those around us? I will admit that I didn’t know exactly what it meant to be someone’s wife because I was just 25 years old and only moved out of my parents’ home once I got engaged, I hadn’t lived life as a single woman but thought it was what I was supposed to do. I knew I wanted to be someone’s wife but really didn’t understand what it entailed but I wasn’t the only one in the marriage who wasn’t ready. Unfortunately, my marriage is something I began at the age of 25 and completed at the ripe old age of 38.

Having been married and divorced helped me understand what I wanted, deserved, and would/wouldn’t put up with moving forward and in no way soured me on the prospect of doing it again but the next time the completion will be death.

Have you ever been approached and pursued by someone in an attempt to date you and once you start falling for them, they begin to distance themselves from you? This is something I will never truly understand, if you’re not ready, why would you disturb someone’s peace only to put them thru hell? By this age, we all have an idea of how much time, effort and energy it takes to be in a relationship and the reason most fail is because someone slacked off in one area or another. Any kind of relationship you voluntarily enter into requires constant effort on both parts because when one of you stops putting forth the effort, the other one feels as though they are now the only one trying.

The more unfortunate reality of feeling as though you’re the only one putting forth effort is you also feel unwanted by the person you came to care for as your lover, confidant, and best friend. You begin to question where things went wrong, replaying every interaction you had with this person and wondering if you said something which struck a nerve but they never said anything about it, just started living their life without you. You start doing the breath and body odor check to make sure you didn’t offend their nose to the point they no longer want to be in your presence. I mean, it has to be something, right? Unfortunately, no, it doesn’t, they just weren’t ready for all you had to offer. They believed they were ready to build and grow with you until you started matching their effort and they weren’t used to it, they were used to someone who was dependent upon them for everything and never having someone do for them what a grown ass woman/man does.

Just as my daughter who had her heart set on a certain pair of shoes and believed she was ready to naturally walk like a super model on the catwalk, we see the potential in someone and believe it’s going to be the best relationship ever. Why wouldn’t we believe this was who we’ve been waiting for all this time? They repeatedly reassure you they are ready to settle down, looking for that meaningful relationship and tired of playing the field; they convince you they are sincere and you begin to trust their words because their actions match up equally.

Slowly, your guard begins to lower and things are going great because you’ve taken the risk of putting the shoes on and standing up but when you take the first step, you wobble and your legs betray you but in this instance, it’s your partner who’s betrayed your heart. You are determined to master this relationship and make it work but have to come to grips with the reality you’re not the person for them because they’re not ready to receive and appreciate your love and are more comfortable abusing your feelings than being real and honest enough to tell you they’re not ready.

We are too old to still be playing games with people who genuinely care about us. If you’re not ready to receive what someone has to offer, the good/bad/beautiful/booga wolf ugly, don’t disturb their peace, let them live their life without the heartache you will surely bestow upon them. I wish I could say everyone is looking for that happily ever after with someone else but there are those who are so damaged from their past they don’t know what it looks like when it’s staring them in the face. While no relationship is drama or trouble free, the shit takes work no matter what age you are but if it’s something and someone you truly want, you’ll work thru any issues which pop up. If you’re not ready to put in the work and show consistent effort, don’t let your boredom have you approaching people who are ready. You should stay single and play with the girls/boys you’re used to dealing with because we grown ass folks don’t have time for that type of bullshit. Smooches  

I was created, raised, mentored, guided and molded by my parents collectively to be a strong, responsible, respectful, and independent woman. Although they were two separate entities, they had the same goal in mind when it came to raising me and my sister and did what they could to ensure we had all the resources and knowledge to create the women we are today. My mother and father were, literally, like night and day: my mother was extremely reserved and always portrayed such a tough, impenetrable exterior that she scared just about everyone around her and she was perfectly fine with it because that meant she didn’t have to deal with bullshit and we were not allowed to joke around with her.

My father, on the other hand, was so carefree, nonchalant, jovial and usually the victim of many of the pranks my sister and I played on him but he just laughed it off with us instead of chastising and punishing us. While they were different, they each told me the same thing as I approached the age to date seriously: Always make sure that he is able to bring to the table the same things as you are. For example, if you have a car, so should he; if you are working, he better be; if you have your own place, he shouldn’t be sleeping on his mother’s couch. I have followed and abided by this statement from the moment it crossed their lips.

The above life lesson was challenged the other day when I was, in not so many words, called a Gold Digger who was all about money when it came to my partner of choice. Yes, I was flabbergasted and highly offended because nothing could be further from the truth.

If I were all about money, regardless of how I’m treated, disrespected and disregarded, or feel about the other person, I’d still be married. The person making the accusation claimed they were all about love, they never look at a person for what they bring to the table as though I’m just some shallow piece of shit who views potentials simply as dollar signs. Pardon me for believing if I have a car, the man who is interested in me should also have a set of wheels of his own because Queens don’t go pick up a man for dates or to run errands with her. When I state he must have his own car, it doesn’t mean that he has to have a Bentley®, Benz® or any other high dollar vehicle but it should be reliable and not one of his friends’ cars he gets to use whenever that person lets them because I’ve my own that I’m paying the note and insurance on. How do I look, as a grown ass woman, going to pick up my dude to bring him back to my place so we can spend time together and then have to get up out of my bed and comfort zone to take his sorry ass home?

And this now leads into him having his own place because I should not be the only one in the relationship able to entertain our intimate relationship at my place because he is living on his mother’s couch or in her basement at 40+ years old. Don’t get me wrong, I understand people fall on hard times where they are newly divorced and getting their shit together or lost their job and fell on hard times, I get it but if you’ve never left home? That’s where we have an issue because, in my eyes, you’re not a grown man nor King quality deserving of this Queen. When we were younger, that might be acceptable but if you can’t bring me back to your place where we can behave as adults, I can pack my spinnanight bag,

leave my toothbrush/pillowcase/some pannies/etc., please don’t approach me. Unfortunately, in this day and age, the guy who is unable to bring you back to his place may actually not be living with his mother but instead, his wife and children which is way worse and more disrespectful.  

I was born, bred and raised by the generation of Baby Boomers who had firm beliefs and morals which I stick with and were not only instilled in me by my parents but my grandparents as well and I won’t disrespect any of them by living less than. There are those who mention and point out all the red flags in your relationship, some real and others created out of hating, and act high and mighty because they claim to see things you didn’t and tell you how much better you deserve.

However, those same observant people about your relationship decide to give their all to someone who is barely visible due to all the Mt. Everest tall pile of red flags they display. I guess when it comes to them, they become blind and oblivious to the same bullshit they claimed to protect you from.

I was raised to know and understand that each person in a household and relationship has their own separate responsibilities such as mowing the lawn or taking out the trash being deemed as the man’s responsibility and the woman takes care of the inside of the home.

Yes, to some, this may seem antiquated and you do what works for your relationship but for me and mine, I’m not cutting any grass nor am I taking the trash out if there is an able body man living in that house with me. I understand lawn maintenance may not be every guys cup of tea and if that’s the case, be sure you make enough money to pay someone to do it for you, I’m cool with that as well. When I was married, I didn’t pay the rent or mortgage, that was my husband’s responsibility but I did pay the utilities, food and buy clothes for our children and sometimes he ended up paying less than I did but that was our agreement and how we functioned.

I am a Queen and wear my crown with pride not out of ego nor arrogance, I can and will do for myself, I don’t depend on a man to do for me which has been an issue in the past because most men are used to dependent, needy women who always have their hand out, asking what he’s going to do for her. Being a Queen, I will submit to my King, have no issue doing so but that man needs to show he knows how to lead properly or he will walk alone. I will not relax my standards, wants and desires just to have someone who is unable to truly appreciate all I have to offer and be willing and able to provide the same to, with, and for me.

When you are in a relationship, sharing all of your deepest, darkest secrets which have kept you awake at night, there is no reason you shouldn’t be aware of each other’s financial situations and incomes. How are you going to build a life together, have a home and purchase property/vehicles, have insurance, living wills, etc. and not know what the other person makes? I agree with each of us having our own accounts and possibly a joint account for bills but how do you factor the amount you can each afford for a house if you don’t know whether your partner makes $25k or $100k per year? What happens if you go to purchase your dream home together and can’t do so because they have a child support lien on their credit? Or what if that tax refund you had plans for gets taken away and applied to their debt?

If you are going to get married and live as one, what one does or doesn’t do financially can and will come and bite you square in the ass. This isn’t to say I’m going to max out your income to get an over sized home but I don’t want us to struggle to make the note each month because we over extended ourselves or went into it blindly. When it comes to the financial aspect of a relationship, I need to know that if, GOD forbid, one were to become unemployed, the other has the ability to keep the home up and running without getting lights cut off or our shit put outside for lack of payment. I need to know that you have my back in every facet of life, whether it be financial, emotional or even physical and this requires a high level of transparency and vulnerability some aren’t able to provide but if you love them as much as you claim, it should come with ease.

How you start the relationship off is how it’s going to continue and if it goes on for some period of time, you will become miserable because you’re carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders but now can’t speak up without fear of risking the relationship because you never set the standard nor put your foot down. If the standards I live by have some perceive me as a Gold Digger, that’s on them but will not change how I am because what they eat doesn’t make me shit. I will not lower my standards just to say I have someone or

“I’s married now” only to worry from month to month how we’re going to keep the lights on or wearing myself to the bone to maintain every aspect of the home while they sit on their ass playing video games all day. A lot of relationships are currently experiencing financial issues during this quarantine period because one partner may still be employed while the other isn’t getting paid due to the nature of their job. The one who isn’t receiving a paycheck during this pandemic should be the one picking up the household responsibilities to relieve some of the pressure from their partner and contribute in a way other than financial. If you are not receiving a check and unable to financially contribute, turn into that wife of the 50’s and make sure dinner is prepared, the laundry is washed, dried, folded and put away, vacuum/sweep the floor, make the bed and/or change the sheets,

be productive and not be viewed as a bump on a log wasting every single day watching tv or playing video games while your spouse works.

When you begin to entertain a grown ass woman, be sure you are a grown ass man whose flow, hustle and drive matches hers, it will save you each a lot of stress, strain and misery down the road. Smooches!

Since I have so much time on my hands due to the everlasting quarantine, I decided to take some time and color coordinate my shoes and the reality of how many pair of shoes I actually owned filled me with a little bit of pride. For those of you who are unaware, I love my shoe selections so much, I call them members of my family because the right pair of shoes can seem magical as they have the ability to change your mood and demeanor just by slipping them on.

I started looking around at all of the things in my life that I own outright: shoes, purses, clothes, cats, food and realized that the material items I own don’t really matter that much because, as my daddy always said, “I’ve never seen a luggage rack on a hearse” which means you really can’t take it with you. They matter enough that I will continue to collect, appreciate and utilize………….well, everything but the cats because I already look like the crazy cat lady sitting in this house with 3 of them.

Yes, it’s easy to accumulate a collection of tangible items and claim ownership over it because you paid for it outright which makes it yours, right? What about the non-tangible items which you should take ownership of but, due to either pride, shame or fear, you just can’t find it within yourself to claim?

For the longest time, I always believed that because I was sorrowful when my actions or words hurt someone and I apologized that meant I owned my wrong doing. Ummmm, it took many disagreements and several more tongue lashings for me to gain the understanding that apologizing doesn’t mean you actually own what you did or said wrong. Due to being the ‘sensitive’ one in the family, I was never really held accountable for my actions, all I had to do was cry and everyone would just accept that as me understanding where I was wrong.

Yeah, those tears were just to gain sympathy and stop the barrage of confrontational words and accusations which were usually on point. No, it wasn’t intentionally done out of manipulation but when you’re a child and find something that works, you kind of stick with it to get you out of uncomfortable situations. I am in no way justifying it, just owning what I did to avoid claiming responsibility for my actions. There will be times we, either intentionally or accidentally, hurt and offend someone we care about, it’s just the way life is set up but our responsibility as grown folks is to own how we hurt them without excuses. I’d like to state right here and now that apologizing doesn’t mean shit if you are only going to get in your feelings and come for the other person when they express the manner in which you hurt them.

You can’t become the victim when someone voices their pain your actions caused them, it doesn’t work that way. If your response to someone expressing their feelings about what you did or said is to cuss them out or get angry in your response? Plain and simply put, grow up! How are you going to get mad for being wrong and called on your shit?! That’s not owning what you did, that’s merely throwing a raggedy ass, “I’m sorry” at them in hopes that it will clear the air and you’ll once again be perceived as perfect. When you can listen to how you’ve affected someone’s overall being, humble yourself and ego, and say, “I’m sorry I hurt you when I said xyz and I will do better moving forward to never make you feel this way again”, that’s owning your shit.

Trust me, I know it ‘s hard to own that which could make someone cry, damage their confidence, or even their future interactions with others due to our words or actions but it’s crucial because we want people to handle us in the same manner. Here’s my old lady saying for the day: Do unto others have you would have them do unto you. Yes, that adage does sometimes suck because we could give someone our all, do all the things we love having done for us, showing them the love and attention they never received and get no reciprocity in return but always remember, that’s not your cross to bear, it’s theirs.

As most of you know, I am happily divorced but that relationship didn’t taint my outlook on finding and being in love again, I look forward to it. Thru the course of dating, or whatever the hell this shit is single people are doing in this day and age is called, I’m learning that there are those who don’t know how to own when they deeply care about the person they’re involved with. Instead of owning that you have feelings for someone, you start being an asshole, ghosting them and pushing them away.

Look, I’m going to keep it 100 with you right now, I am too old to deal with that type of bullshit. If you are feeling me, be an adult and own it and we can move forward accordingly and the same goes for if you’re not feeling me. What good does it do anyone to get close to them, begin feeling some loving feelings only to be viewed as a piece of shit by acting shady whenever they’re in your presence? If I were in my 20s I’d probably be okay with this behavior but in our 40s?! Sorry, get your shit together before you come disturbing my peace. I’ve gone thru enough turmoil to know what I want and deserve and refuse to settle for anything less. Thru these tribulations, I’ve also come to learn my worth and know that anyone who is uncertain or too scared to own their feelings for me isn’t worthy of taking up space in my life at this point.

When we were younger, our parents would always say, “You’ll be in less trouble if you just tell the truth from the beginning, lying only complicates things, will make me angrier, and your punishment harsher”, why do we think this ceased applying when we started paying our own way in life? I am born and bred of the thin blue line which means I’ve done my research before I ask any questions and will only ask questions to see if you’ve a good character and will tell the truth. If you’re an adult, live on your own, pay your bills relatively on time or at least don’t have your lights cut off, why are you lying to anyone?

Have we all done some shady shit we’re not proud of in our lives? Hell yeah, I know I have but I own it at this point because it was who I was then and if it’s something I did yesterday, I own that too because I still don’t always make the right decisions in my life. You would think with me being an indecisive overthinker, I’d never make a jankety choice but life happens to all of us, no one walking this earth is perfect nor making ideal decisions every single time. I am proud to admit that I am no longer easily persuaded to make a rash decision which will later come back and bite me in the ass but a couple have slipped thru and I own it, I don’t have a choice because I’m confronted with facts and put my big girl pannies on and face it head on. Initially, telling a little white lie is easy but it becomes more difficult because you have to keep track of who you told what to.

If you just tell the truth from the beginning, yes it will probably sting and hurt the person you care about but, it can be handled properly from the onset and your relationship has a chance of surviving. Lies are told in every area of our lives because we are afraid to seem less than up to par with someone else’s expectation of our role in their lives or even place of employment. I am someone who has never fluffed my resume’ because I don’t want to be called to the carpet to perform a skill I claimed on a piece of paper but have zero experience in but there are many who will do it just to get the job and then lose the job because they screwed up the entire system.

At this point in our lives, we’ve had enough experience, life lessons, and heartbreaks to know and do better where others are concerned. If you’ve not learned anything, please understand this is why you continue to go thru the same shit with different people over and over again because you will repeat the lesson until you get it right. We are too old and experienced to do the same shit over and over again without claiming responsibility for our actions. If you consider yourself an adult, be sure you are owning your wrongdoings and be sincere about it, don’t just put on a façade to get your way, there’s nothing authentic about that. If you hurt someone’s feelings by forgetting their birthday, own that shit! If the feelings you begin to sense from being with someone scares you, be transparent and let them know so you can both move forward together and experience that happiness together or you’ll be sitting there relying on either battery powered toys or some skanky person to fulfill your sexual desires. If you don’t currently have the skills for a certain job, blow their socks off in the interview and let them know you are eager to learn, it’s not that hard. If you’ve screwed up by making a bad decision, own it from the beginning so you and the other person can handle it before it blows up in your face and you damage another person’s trust and spirit. We all have nothing but time on our hands to take inventory of the gaps in our relationships and some of those gaps have to do with us not owning our true feelings or owning how we hurt them, use your time wisely because you’d want the same from them, right? Smooches

Well, it’s been yet another week of quarantine for those of us here on earth, some quarantines are stricter and taken more seriously than others. I’m happy to say I’ve had the same tank of gas in my car for the last 4 weeks and still only at half a tank and am tempted to go fill up just to see what it’s like to pay under $3 per gallon. This alone time can do a few things to a person: you can either use the time to develop a new craft/hobby, do some self-reflection and work on yourself in areas you feel are flawed or unhealed or you can simply use this time to get some much needed rest. It wasn’t until we were forced to stay indoors did I realize how neglected my home had become and took the time to thoroughly clean it but it wasn’t 4 weeks’ worth of cleaning dirty so,

I decided to write. Okay, I lie, my brain has been quite the cluster f*ck with no inspiring ideas popping to the forefront because they all believe they are a priority. Welcome to the mind of an over thinker.

Being an over thinker, I’ve, literally, had nothing but time on my hands to think about my relationships whether they’re friendships, romantic or familial and where I stand in each of them.

Let’s start with friendships, shall we? Selfishly, I’ve always viewed myself as a good, true and authentic friend because there are just certain things I would never do to someone I consider a true friend. I have learned, over the course of my life, that just because you are a friend to someone doesn’t mean they are going to be that same true friend to you and have suffered heartbreak and internal questioning of my own motives.

I have had someone I considered my bestie feel threatened by me when it came to her side piece; she actually thought I was flirting with him because I looked at him while he was speaking. I’m sorry but I was raised to look at whomever is speaking and you weren’t and took it as flirting with someone I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole. After the demise of that friendship, I beat myself up, wondering how on earth I screwed that up and, over time, came to realize she had so much shit going on in her life at her own doing that I didn’t screw it up. Please don’t get me wrong, this epiphany didn’t come overnight, it took the demise of a couple of other friendships to realize I was attracting damaged people and they didn’t know how to handle authenticity because they’d never experienced it. When I am friends with someone, they become part of my family which means whomever they are involved or interested in are not appealing to me at all, they become family as well.

I had heard the horror stories of best friends sleeping with each other’s partners and it baffled me because I couldn’t fathom even kissing someone who’s mouth, hands and other parts had been on my family, that shit is just disgusting to me! Until it happened to me, it just seemed like folklore or an old wives’ tale which had just been embellished over the course of time, I never believed someone would do that because it’s not how I was raised or am built until……………………….it happened to me. As much as I may want to, I will not go into detail, I will only say that the person I confided in and trusted broke my heart worse than any man ever could.

When I repeated the story to a good girlfriend of mine, she stated something which made me think, “If she did that, she was never your friend” and that shit hit like a ton of bricks because it was true. Anyone who is your shoulder to cry on, confidant, and there for you in your time of need would never carry on a bonified relationship with someone you were once feeling and involved in, this is so against girl code, I think it’s the first sentence in the damn book. Alas, there will be females and males who feel they can please or are better for your partner than you and my advice is to just let that piece of shit go and be with the betrayer, they fully deserve all the drama, bullshit and misery which will surely come their way.

Alrighty, onto romantic relationships! I, as well as the rest of you, have had nothing but time on my hands to evaluate and re-evaluate my romantic relationships. Some of them were heart wrenching and full of nothing but pain and drama but I’ve realized I did it to myself because I believed in those who said they’d never hurt me or were different from the rest only to be worse than the rest. I have spoken on it before and I will briefly mention it once again, I have been sexually assaulted and each time it was by someone I trusted and cared about which does even more damage than the dude snatching you into an alley and having his way with you. With that said, yes, I have my guard up so high, there are times even I can’t see the top of it.

I’ve learned that my past traumas and betrayals have hindered and sabotaged what could have been perfect and ideal relationships because I am always waiting for the shoe of shit to drop. I have been fortunate to find someone who has the patience of Job and works with me thru my bratty tantrums and emotional meltdowns to the point he will probably be worthy of sainthood when he enters the pearly gates because it takes a strong individual to deal with me. I have had many conversations, some thru tears and most drunken, with my sister and friends only to be told repeatedly that I am the saboteur and they never let me defend that shit. Okay, okay, I get it and will do better.

Every relationship will not be perfect nor will it be ‘the one’ but, even though they may display similar traits, they are not your ex who selfishly shit all over you without a second thought. I have had enough feet up my ass to make me realize I am a grown ass woman and I need to carry myself as one.  In carrying myself as a grown ass woman, I know what I will and will not tolerate regardless of how perfect someone may seem. No longer am I sitting around waiting for a phone call/text from them when they are ready to see me nor am I shedding tears of someone who doesn’t realize and appreciate my worth, I was raised to be a Queen and carry myself as such and, no longer will I shrink myself to be who I believe another person needs me to be.

When you pursue a King/Queen, you need to be prepared to treat them as such and if you’re not ready, don’t disturb them.

My relationships with my family have taken on a new role in my life. I have not seen my youngest daughter in a month because she went to her father’s house right before things got really serious and has been quarantined there with him. I miss my baby terribly but understand it’s probably the best place for her because she has someone her age there she can connect and relate to while talking about hair and fashion. My oldest daughter was supposed to come home for spring break this week but they actually closed the borders to her college state which means I couldn’t even drive down and get her if I wanted to without being turned around after 9 hours of driving. I am so grateful for technology at this point in my life because I am able to video chat with her for hours and see the face I created while experiencing the young woman she is becoming. This time has drawn us closer because we are not rushing around worrying about doing this, that and third, we are actually able to just…………..talk. I’ve learned so much about my oldest daughter over the last month and how she views things as well as how similar I am to my mother. Oh my GAWD, did I just say that? Please, take a sip with me because I never thought I’d utter those words in my life.

The oldest and I were having a jovial conversation the other day and all of a sudden it went way left and she began crying out of frustration and wondering why I wasn’t as upset as she was and I first felt my mother speak, “Why are you getting so upset, it’s not that serious” which only upset her more and I remained calm. The calm is when I felt my father working thru me as I tried, and failed miserably, to calm her down by saying, “I’m not upset because what they do or don’t with their money doesn’t directly affect me or you. Baby, you need to calm down and focus on what’s important in your life and not worry about what other people are or aren’t doing”.  Just for the record, neither statement soothed her emotions at all, they only seemed to engorge them to the point she got off the call with me. Yes, I am admitting I finally get my mother’s frustration with me and my viewpoints on life and everything happening in mine. Oh lawd, take another sip with me please because this quarantine is just bringing so much truth and revelations to the forefront.

We all have an unusual abundance of time on our hands and how we handle it or what we do with it is totally up to each and every one of us as individuals. Some will make you feel as though you are wasting a golden opportunity to start an entrepreneurial business if you are just vegging on Netflix® shows and movies but maybe you just need to rest and heal. Take this unforeseen opportunity to work on you however feels right and appropriate. If you come out of this as a better human being with the same single job as you went in, that’s fine just as much as it is if you discover a side hustle which you turn into a full time career, every person is as different as a fingerprint. My advice to you during this time is to simply do you, heal what needs to be healed, work on home projects or just change from daytime jammies to nighttime jammies, whatever floats your boat and soothes your soul is what you’re meant to do during this time. Smooches Lovelies!

By now, everyone has been quarantined for at least a week. Some of us are stuck in the house with our school aged children and trying to be their teachers all while losing our shit and appreciating teachers so much that we will be organizing marches to get them higher wages because we just aren’t cut out for this life. Others are stuck in the house alone and developing serious drinking habits because there is literally nothing else to do but get lit alone and binge watch television shows.

Then, you have the spouses who have side pieces they can’t get to because everything is closed and there is no reason to leave the house so they feel stuck with the person they committed their lives to until death do they part. This pandemic is either going to bring couples, actual couples, closer or cause the demise of the entire relationship because they’re now realizing their partner is no longer the person they married and they don’t even like them anymore. For the record, I am the one who has been home alone as I work with 3 cats constantly fighting, playing, and getting into shit while I strengthen my liver with the daily cocktail or few.

I am fortunate not to have wee little ones in the house during this quarantine but I know several people who want their ‘students’ transferred out of their class and have developed a little drinking habit at this point. Yes, I understand that it’s a blessing to be able to have this time to spend with your children but, we can all agree it can be a bit much when you’re required to stay in the house for days, weeks and, at this point, months on end. Trust me, I feel the pain of the parents home with their little ones during this time because I was trapped in the house with a 6 & 8 years ago during the blizzard of 2010 and truly couldn’t go anywhere even if I wanted to because the 2+ feet of snow wouldn’t allow it.

I took that time to get to know my girls, play games with them, teach them how to bake and cook and I am so thankful I didn’t have to home school them because they’d have failed horribly! I say this because I had trouble with the homework they brought home on a regular basis and am so grateful for the other half of their DNA being a little nerdish and able to assist them. When they brought homework home, there were times I had to put a sticky note on it saying, “Name’s homework is incomplete because her mother couldn’t figure out how to help her complete it”.

Yes, it got that bad but there was no shame in my game after staring at a worksheet and feeling my brain come to a screeching halt. To the parents who are at home and teaching your children during this time? I tip my hat and raise a glass to you because you are true heroes during this pandemic and I wish you nothing but strength and patience. Be sure to shower your children’s teachers with gifts once school resumes because they are so worthy of it!

For the single people who are home alone this can also be a trying time because we still need and miss that human interaction with others. It wasn’t until this happened did I realize how much I went out and now miss hearing, “Can I get you started with some drinks and appetizers while you look at the menu”? While I am blessed with the ability to cook some absolutely fabulous food, I want food prepared by other people, I’m tired of my having to cook my own food! I have been quarantined with 3 cats who are absolutely and entirely sick of my shit at this point. It’s not just the food prepared by others I miss, it’s the constant companionship I miss. I miss being able to have someone here to joke with, get irritated with and then go to sleep in their arms.

While I am proud to say that my home is clean from top to bottom because I’ve had nothing but time on my hands to clean it; all of my clothes are clean, folded and put away, and I have a fully stocked fridge and freezer, it doesn’t replace the companionship. While I may have my work station set up to work remotely, a roof over my head and food in my belly (that I have to cook), it still kind of sucks not to have that person to cook for and hold you at night. I have not even turned on Netflix® because I don’t have anyone to talk to during the movies and shows; yes, I am that person who talks during movies and shows because I need to know what’s going on.

For my single folx, hang in there, this ban will soon be lifted and we’ll be able to be in the arms of those who make us feel safe and secure.

Onto my married people! When I was married, while I loved my husband, I probably would have been sporting an orange jumpsuit at this point. Yes, we marry people we love, care about and believe we’re going to spend the rest of our lives with, and that is a great mentality, it truly is……..until you’re quarantined for weeks and months on end. When you’re stuck in the house with this person, you’ll get irritated at the smallest things such as how they chew their food or hearing them breathe while they’re just sitting still watching reruns of football or basketball games since those seasons are now suspended.

This is a trying time for all marriages out there and while some may actually result in coming out of this single, others will come out pregnant. Some will take this time to work on their marriage and relearn their partner and others will realize how much they have grown apart from their partner, it’s a 50/50 shot which none of us on the outside can predict. I’ve learned and witnessed that absence makes the heart grow fonder and for most, that was when they were working and out of the house and each other’s sight for 10 – 12 hours per day but what do you do when the only break you get is when they go to the bathroom? For my married folx, I offer the suggestion of relearning your spouse, yourself and where you both stand in the union you both committed yourself to many moons ago.

Now for the most interesting aspect of this quarantine: Side Pieces! There are some people who didn’t know they were the side piece until this pandemic hit and they weren’t able to see their supposed Boo at all because everything closed down and learned the hard way they weren’t the main person in their Boo’s life. On the flip side of that, you have the people who knew they were intruding in on someone’s marriage and are now struggling because there is no legitimate reason for them to leave their home with their spouse. Having been a wife, I have a problem with someone who is okay with cheating with a married man, this is not a secret. I see how side pieces are now more glorified than the spouse and I can’t understand that mentality. If you are not happy within your union, try counseling to get back on the same page and if that doesn’t work, make the collective decision to go your separate ways and then find someone else to be with. If you are a side piece, what are your hopes from that situation?

Okay, yes, that’s probably the primary focus and objective but when you become the main, what makes you think they won’t do the exact same thing to you that they did to their spouse? And, if you do become the main, what kind of prize are you getting? This person will have nothing when they come to you because I’m sure they won’t get the house and will have to pay some sort of spousal support due to their infidelity, leaving you to foot most of the financial responsibilities of your life together. You spend all of your time being dedicated and loyal to someone who sleeps every night next to the one they committed their life to in the hopes of one day becoming the one they sleep next to. This would be the perfect time to look in the mirror and realize you deserve so much more than being someone’s second best. Take this time to love yourself enough to not settle for having to spend holidays, your birthday and evenings alone because the person you believe you love is at home with their spouse eating dinner and being romantic.

At this point, we are all on what feels like punishment but we can use it for our betterment and good. If you’ve been meaning to start a new workout regimen to get summer ready, take a daily walk and do some sort of exercise in your house; if you’ve been meaning to start a new hobby, you’ve nothing but time on your hands to perfect it; if you’re not happy with your romantic situation or it’s not ideal, take control of the situation by showering yourself in self-love and realizing you deserve so much more than being someone’s second choice.

I think I speak for the rest of the nation when I say, “Sit yo ass down and be mindful so we can go outside again”!

Today was supposed to just be a chill, get myself together for the work week while my daughter got herself ready for the upcoming week and we received the devastating news everyone across the world did: NBA Superstar Kobe Bryant perished in a helicopter crash this morning. When we learned of the news being true, my daughter said, “I hope his daughter wasn’t with him because she travels with him everywhere. Maybe they are mistaken”. Unfortunately, both reports are confirmed.

This heartbreaking and earth shattering news struck me on a couple of levels: that of a mother and daughter who’s lost her daddy. He made such an impact on the world that you didn’t even have to follow basketball to have been touched by his personality, this one hits home on such a personal level and spans across multiple generations.

For those who are unaware, I worked in the funeral business for a little while and came to grips that people die every single day and it was easy to detach from actual death because I didn’t personally know any of the bodies on the tables.

It wasn’t until I lost my father did I understand the difference between death and loss. I haven’t been back to a funeral home in the 9.5 years since his passing because it is now all too real for me. No longer are those bodies just vessels, they were someone’s loved one who is missing them terribly while they lay on that table to be prepared for the final viewing for their family and friends. We experience death on a very regular basis and don’t take the time to appreciate and respect the fact that it’s also a loss. Death comes in many forms, not just a human being ceasing to breathe. When you have been friends with someone and have a disagreement and the friendship ends, that’s death but we don’t really take the time to truly mourn it because we, logically, feel as though if it’s over it wasn’t that serious and we need to keep moving forward.

Everyone has worked somewhere and, for whatever reason, you no longer work there, that too is death and loss which we brush off quickly because we need to plan our next move. Hell, plants die and we just toss them in the trash and own the fact we don’t have a green thumb but eagerly run out and get another to try different measures not to kill this one. Sadly, we see and hear about death so regularly that we’ve become numb to the actual impact it has on our souls and spirits.

I was a different person before my father passed away because I just knew he’d always be here because heroes don’t die, they live forever, right? The person I was when he was here over reacted to everything and took even the smallest things way too seriously and to watch me live in anger or sadness on a regular basis broke his heart. He would always tell me, “Baby, you have to let go of some of that, you are wasting your life worrying about the wrong things. You are missing out on life and experiences carrying that weight around and I hate to see you like this” but I didn’t get it until I lost him.

When he passed, I learned how truly short life is and that tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us and began to look at my life, interactions and relationships differently. I developed the mindset of in the grander scheme of life, does this really matter? I was once super critical, anal and had been diagnosed with OCD because I had control issues which were a lot but believed it was the only way I was able to function. I envied my father’s nonchalant attitude, laid back demeanor and personality, and ability to always have a smile on his face, no matter the circumstance. We like to believe that death doesn’t change us because we don’t acknowledge the true loss until it hits home and creates a void within our spirits which will never be filled again because a piece of us is permanently gone.

About 18 months ago, one of the closest female friendships I’d ever had came to an abrupt end, we were celebrating her birthday one day and the next, we were no longer friends. This loss struck me hard because, although we may have had our issues, she was my sister and had looked out for me and mine more than some related by blood. She was there for me in my darkest moments, my shoulder to cry on and all around genuine friend. To those on the outside, our relationship didn’t make sense but it wasn’t for them to understand, this was our relationship. That was a hard year for me because I didn’t get to share with her the good, bad, terrible, and wonderful things which were transpiring in my life but that just meant I needed to go thru that to gain my strength and do for myself and my children. Yes, I have others in my life who are unequivocally there for me and I appreciate those persons in my life as well but this loss hit hard.

I came to learn that she went thru a lot of struggles during our time apart as well and the separation needed to happen because we weren’t growing as long as we were friends. A mutual friend of ours learned about our situation and told her that it broke her heart because we were truly friends and we needed to make up. What also spawned the need for reconciliation was that my friend lost a really good friend last year and that death hit her very hard and made her realize how trivial the demise of our relationship truly was. I thank our mutual friend for setting us up to have a conversation, clear the air and rebuild our friendship as the women we are today.  

Most of us live our lives not wanting to die but are we ever really living our lives to the fullest? I will own that I don’t live as much as I probably should out of fear and control. I envy those who are spontaneous and say You Only Live Once ~ YOLO because I can’t release my grip on the reins of control to just ‘be’. The reality is that we don’t only live once, we die once. Everyday you open your eyes and have breath in your body, you’re given another opportunity to live but being alive isn’t the same as living. Some let the pain of the past control them and those poor souls are dying a little bit every day.

I have learned to be a more nonchalant but it hasn’t been totally by my own control, so much shit happens in my life that I no longer have the energy to care about every little thing which may happen. The tragedy which lies in the tragic loss of a great NBA superstar is that we don’t appreciate life until a loss happens which impacts us directly. We all have relationships in our lives which we are holding onto with a white knuckled grip, causing more pain than doing any good because pain is what we’ve become accustomed to. It’s time to let go, let go of the pain, anger, animosity, pettiness and grudges caused by and against those we once loved, life is too damn short to be bitter and carrying that load. How do you claim you’re living your best life while shitting on the same people who once filled your fridge when you couldn’t or made sure your lights stayed on? Simply put, you’re not, this is not the life you were created to live. Pain, resentment and anger are not what the creator, your parents and anyone who loves and cares about you ever wanted for you. Yes, we go thru shit, all of us do but too many are living there.

Please take a moment to love those who love you, pray for those who have done you wrong, love yourself and appreciate every single breath in your body because none of us know when we will be called Home. You miss someone? Reach out and tell them, don’t sit on your pride and take your last breath wondering what could have been. Let go of the fear, pain and resentment to fix whatever’s broken in your life. Trust me on this one: if you’re missing someone they’re missing you too and a simple text or call will fix it. Life is too short, tell those who mean something to you that you love them, how much their presence in your life means and you don’t want to be without them.

  

Being the mother of teenage daughters, I have had the privilege of learning many new slang words and newfangled terminology and fully understand how irritated my mother was with me at that age. A few years ago, my daughters started using the word FLEEK and I was like, what the hell does that mean?! For those who are unaware, on fleek means on point, perfectly done, i.e. Her eyebrows are on fleek means they look very nice. The one word I learned the meaning of recently actually wasn’t from my children but social media and that’s “Ghosting”. Ghosting is when you are in constant contact with someone, you develop a rapport and bond with them and then it just………………stops.

I’ve come to learn everyone has their own reasons for ghosting another individual and, to be perfectly honest, they’re all just lame ass excuses. I can also own that I’ve ghosted people in my past, I’m not proud of it because I thought I was doing what was best for all parties involved at the time but now see how truly selfish and damaging it is to another human being.

When I have ghosted someone in the past, I did so because I felt as though things weren’t going any further on my end and just stopped reaching out and responding. Yes, that is a very immature way to handle any situation, you don’t have to tell me, I know I was wrong as 2 left shoes but thought it caused less damage than speaking the truth. Boy was I ever wrong! The fact I have ghosted people in my past lets me know that Karma is real, aware, active and diligent because I got back what I had done and felt the repercussions of my actions.

I will be the first to tell you that shit is nowhere near fun and hurts like hell! When you’ve been ghosted by someone you care about and believe cares about you, you have a hard time understanding how they could do this to you. I mean, don’t they know you are beating yourself up, wondering what you did so wrong to never hear from them again? The thing about ghosting is it comes out of nowhere, there is no argument leading up to their disappearance, there is no tension or conflict, they just

disappear and treat you as though you never existed. Since I have ghosted people in the past, I can say it’s totally selfish because you are thinking only of yourself at that point in time, you’ve not taken into consideration what it might do to the person you’ve a connection and bond with.

I’ve actually been ghosted by a couple of people in my life and am still in contact 1 of them believe it or not. There was one person who went out of his way to make sure I felt safe and secure, even when he was out of town but when he came back in town, the text messages became shorter and shorter, my Good Morning texts became Morning then GM and then nadadayum thing. I admit I can be a little spoiled and bratty at times but, damn, you’re just going to stop speaking to me? Whatever happened to open and adult conversation, calling each other on their bullshit while owning your own? I had no communication with this person for 6 months and couldn’t take it anymore so, I wrote him a handwritten letter expressing myself and asking what I did wrong and put that letter in one of the two books he had ordered from me.

Again, I waited another couple of weeks and still nothing and decided to take matters into my own hands by reaching out to him personally to see if he would be man enough to explain what was going on. Well, two things happened: I learned he’d never opened the book I put the letter in and he was shocked I felt the way I did. What did he think I would feel after he coaxed me out of my box and left me standing there exposed and alone? We had a very good and healing conversation and he explained he was going thru some things at that time and didn’t want to bring me into it. Yes, that’s all well and good but one little conversation stating such in the beginning would have avoided a whole lot of heartbreak and beating myself up thinking I’d driven him away. It was a healing conversation because he fully understood the damage it caused me but there were no longer any hopes of a relationship moving forward. When you are ghosted by someone and come back into contact with them, your guard and wall are up so high you can’t see the top and it will take an act of GOD to move and lower it. For those who are unaware, I am an extreme overthinker so,

in the back of my mind, I will always remember and fear you doing the same thing to me again and never let you that close to me.

I have stated that I have ghosted people in my past and, looking back, I am not proud of myself. My reasoning for doing so may seem lame to some but others will understand but I’m not looking for validation or acceptance because I know I was wrong. Those I have ghosted, I have done so because I didn’t have the maturity to tell someone it wasn’t going to work and I would rather have been hated for disappearing than to have the actual conversation. My reason for not wanting to have the conversation is because I couldn’t handle seeing the hurt in their eyes and knowing I was the one causing it. Some have called me cold hearted because I appear to just disconnect from people but that’s not reality because no one knows the internal struggle I was going thru. I can’t speak for anyone but myself on how it feels to ghost someone, I can only speak for myself and I felt like shit but tried to fill my time and mind with other things as to not think about it. Now, my ghosting days are long gone because I now understand it’s not fair and actually very painful for the recipient and, most importantly, I’m grown and have to handle my business as such. I have come to learn that just walking away leaves the other person seeking closure so they may move forward with understanding and minimize the hurt.

I feel the need to clarify what ghosting is not at this moment. Flaking on an event/invite is not ghosting, that’s standing someone up. Okay, I’ve admitted I’ve ghosted people in the past and I will now own I have stood people up and, again, the reasoning does not matter. There have been times I have accepted invitations and totally flaked because when the time of the event came, I’m no longer in the frame of mind to attend whatever it is and just don’t answer texts or calls.

Yes, I know this is juvenile behavior and, again, not proud but it felt easier to avoid than actually have a conversation and say, “I’m not coming” because I didn’t want to answer question and be shamed into going. Those who know me best know I’m liable to flake at any given point because I enjoy the confines of my home more than going out and being with other humans. I could say all day long that I don’t intend to hurt anyone by flaking and it’s the truth but it doesn’t diminish the end results. I now know I must adhere to the words my daddy spoke on a regular basis, “Your word is all you have” and will try to do better. Standing someone up and speaking to them within 24 hours is not ghosting because you resume communication whereas ghosting is just disappearing for extended periods of time as though you’ve left the planet without a trace.

The unfortunate reality is many of us will never truly understand why someone has opted to no longer be a part of our lives or speak to us. Yes, even the person who you’ve shared you deepest, darkest secrets with has the probability to ghost you. Yes, the person you share your space, time and energy with may walk away from you to handle their own shit away from you. I am in no way justifying ghosting anyone, I am merely expressing the heartbreak and pain you are causing someone when you do decide to go invisible. You can’t tell someone you love them more than you love yourself and GOD and walk away with no explanation or conversation; it absolutely destroys the other person.

Imagine being told someone has agape love for you, always checks to make sure you’re okay, you have late night and early morning conversations, share intimate moments both sexually and intellectually and then one day…………………nothing. How do you claim to have agape love ~ spontaneous, altruistic love; a GODLY love ~ for someone and walk away as though they never existed? That is a question which may never be answered but, unfortunately, the ghostee will continue to ask it until the ghoster is mature enough to have the conversation.

Do me and many others a favor, if you are going thru something or don’t feel the same about another person you are close to? Tell them. You don’t have to go into minute detail about whatever is troubling you, you can merely say, “Look, I’ve gotta get my shit together and I don’t want to cause you pain trying to do so” before you cut communications, be a better human being today than you were 5 years ago. Don’t be an asshole and just disappear without a word, leaving that person with their shattered heart in their hands beating themselves up believing they weren’t good enough, you’re better than that, I know for a fact I am better at this point in my life and offer apologies to anyone who ever felt ghosted by me.

Well, well, well, with the exception of New Year’s, another holiday season has come and gone and, I don’t know about you but, I am so happy when this holiday is over. I can finally flip thru the radio without hearing a Christmas song or scroll thru the tv channels without seeing advertisements for all the sappy holiday movies. I’ve noticed and also heard from others how this hasn’t felt like a very festive holiday this year. I know why it hasn’t for me but this year seemed kind of blah with everyone rushing around to get this or that expensive gift for their loved one all while negating the true meaning of the season. This season is supposed to be joyful and full of love but people are so nasty and irritated, pushing and shoving, trying to be the next in line as if they were the only ones who matter.

I do whatever I can to avoid going into the store throughout the year and absolutely refuse to go during the holiday season, online shopping is my saving grace and vice, because the negativity is stifling. When I was younger, it was a joy and privilege to see Santa and sit on his lap while your parents snapped a quick pic but now you have to sacrifice a bill just to get a few pictures with him.

This season has turned into yet another corporate created holiday about spending money to prove you love someone or are the better parent. As I was scrolling thru social media, a friend of mine stated he is an atheist but gets questioned about celebrating this holiday. Yes, I know most will claim the religious aspect of this holiday but, to me, it’s about gathering and fellow-shipping with family, friends and loved ones as well and those questioning him are the reason I rarely go to church anymore: the judgmental hypocrisy of the holier than thous. I promise this is not going to be a religious post; I’ve never done that and will not be starting today.

For some, this is an opportunity to spend time with loved ones while breaking bread, reminiscing about old times, laughing and just catching up while showering them with gifts from the heart as well as those which emptied bank accounts but, for others, it’s a debilitating, sad day because they are missing someone they loved deeply. Most days of the year, you are able to get thru without crawling into the fetal position and crying from the pain of loss.

The loss I’m referring to doesn’t necessarily mean a loved one who has passed on, it could be your Boo with whom you recently broke up with; loss is loss and the shit hurts like you can’t imagine. I, unfortunately, am one of those who dread this time of year because half of my beginning is gone. It’s amazing how much of an annoyingly jolly person I used to be and now find myself wearing nothing but black or dark colors for the majority of the month while everyone else is wearing the seasonal colors of red and green. I used to be that happy, joyous person who got up at 2 am the day after Thanksgiving to hit the stores with all the other maniacs looking for a great deal on the perfect gift and unnecessary stocking stuffers and then would come home to put up and decorate the tree to begin the Christmas season with holiday music blasting throughout the house. I am now a little ashamed to say I haven’t put up a tree for the last couple of years and the couple of years prior to that, my daughter put the tree up in hopes it would get me in the mood and holiday spirit, a mood I can no longer find because I don’t feel jolly nor am I in the Christmas spirit.  

I am blessed to have family and friends, who’re more like family than friends – my ‘bonus’ family, include me in their holiday celebrations every year but it’s not the same. I was speaking with a friend of mine the other day who lost his mother a few years ago and I admitted I don’t spend the holidays with my dad’s side of the family because it’s too hard. Yes, I know it’s selfish because I’m missing out on family but it’s not fair to them to sit there sulking because, no matter how many times the door may open, he never walks thru it.

I love, adore and appreciate my family but they are so much of an embodiment of him, I’m sadder being there than I am alone. I am one who prides herself on and opts for getting the unique gifts which touch someone’s heart because I just wanted to see them smile and no longer being able to see that look in his eyes has taken away some of the pride I was once overflowing with; touching my daddy’s heart was kind of easy because he was grateful for anything we ever got him. I remember going thru his things and finding the horrible ashtray I made him in grade school or helping to decorate his tree and seeing my chubby, childhood handprint ornaments; to know he kept it all still brings tears to my eyes. My daddy taught me that it had nothing to do with the amount you spent on a gift which made it special but everything to do with the thought put behind it. Okay, I lie because when I was a teenager, it was about the label and cost but I’ve grown up a lot since then. As a mother and adult, I get it now, well actually, my daughters taught me a few years ago when times were hard and I let them know I wouldn’t be able to get them very much but they melted my heart by saying, “It’s not about the gifts, we just want to be with you” and that made my entire year.

I am beyond grateful for my family and bonus family because, no matter how many times I may flake with whack ass excuses, they still invite me every year. I tend to make up an excuse not to show up because it’s hard and I don’t have the words to fully express the pain that loss constantly creates and that I’d rather be alone. They somehow know and understand but never press when I flake and don’t show up, they respect my pain and I couldn’t ask for more.

Here’s an example of how hard the holidays can get for those of us missing a loved one – on Christmas day, the girls went with their dad for part of the day and it was a struggle to wait until they left to sit in my chair and cry, I just wanted to be alone in my grief

but knew I couldn’t live there because I was responsible for half of the dinner at a friend’s house. For someone who never really cooks big meals and actually hates it, I impressed myself, this Queen made her first ham and it was delicious! I found that being responsible for other people’s food got me out of my head because I had to watch the food and think about seasonings and measurements. While cooking and creating desserts may have momentarily gotten me out of my head, it didn’t stop the pain and longing of providing nourishment for the man whose favorite thing to do was eat.

The other side of being sad or down during the holidays is having been with someone for a period of time, whether it be months or years, knowing them at their core, falling in love and now you’re no longer together and not speaking. When we’re with someone, knowing them intimately (not necessarily sexually), they become our best friend, our confidante, and safe space and when the relationship ends, it’s our friend we miss more than the sex. Don’t get me wrong, hitting a dry spell after the end of a relationship sucks but not being able to share your good and bad days with your friend is worse.

You may have been planning a future with this person and now, as you scroll thru social media and see all the engagements, happy couples and families looking so happy, you get down even more because you believe that was supposed to be you. No longer do you have the privilege of going shopping to find the perfect gift for your Boo nor will you be waking up to them to tell them Good Morning with your horrible morning breath. It’s not the engagements which make me feel some kind of way during the holidays, I’m genuinely happy for those who have made it to that level because I know who’s meant for me will appear when the time is right. What does get to me is not having that Boo to shop for or stay up all night drinking, laughing, listening to music, and talking as we wrap gifts for loved ones.

For those of you who still have your parents and are happily Boo’d up, I ask that you take every opportunity to tell them you love and appreciate them because there are many who no longer have the chance to do so. I also ask that you look out for your friends who are going thru the annual pain of missing their loved one during the holidays. Please understand we don’t need you to keep our schedule so busy we’re unable to think about our loss, we just need you to be there for us and be a safe place to shed tears and share stories about them.

Also understand it’s not about you or spending time with you, we love you but are stuck in the pain of a void which can never be filled by those who have passed on.

When I was growing up, I idolized my mother because she was always very well put together, I don’t think I ever saw my mother look like run over dog shit and just give up on her appearance no matter what was going on in her life. I was raised to always at least get dressed every day, it will make you feel better and, somehow, it kind of does. She instilled in me to always look at least presentable because “you never know who you’re going to see or run into” and that still rings true in my ears to this day. I can recall maybe 2 times when I had spent the day vegging hard in the house and remembered I needed something and ran to the store looking like absolute hell and,

wouldn’t you know, that’s when I saw everyone I had ever known in my life. Well, okay, I’m being a little dramatic but that’s how it felt even if it was just 1 person from high school it was one too many because they didn’t see me at my presentable best.

I know that when we get into relationships, we tend to relax our upkeep to a certain degree, both genders are guilty of it. We are under the notion of “I’ve got them and they love and adore me regardless of what I look like” and that is an unfair statement or outlook to have. Just as we want our partner to at least maintain themselves close to the level they were when we met, they want the same from us.

I’ve seen it all too often, when a woman has been with her Boo for some time, she stops really caring about her appearance as though neither of them are no longer worthy of her taking care of her hair, nails, and hair removal. What did you look like in the beginning and why did you stop? Is the person who chose and committed to you not worthy of seeing you without eye boogers and mouth crust? Aren’t you worthy of combing your hair more than once every couple of days?

When I was married, yes, I was comfortable around my husband, he saw me with my bonnet on, in mismatched jammies, looking like death when I got sick, and get cut open twice to bring forth our children into this world. No matter how ‘comfortable’ I got with him, I still maintained the regular feminine shit of shaving/removing hair from important parts of my body and basic upkeep.

Unbeknownst to most, I don’t grow hair on my arms or legs, friends have called me a hairless mole rat for this very reason but I know that’s just hate on the fact I don’t have to shave or endure stubble on my baby smooth legs; it’s a blessing I am grateful for.

Now, I’m not totally hairless, I still have to maintain my armpits and kitty and do so mainly for myself because having an afro shooting out when I raise my arm in a sundress or having to go up a size in my pannies to accommodate the 70’s porn star bush that’s formed due to neglect is not attractive to me at all. I know there are men who say that they don’t mind hair ‘down there’ but c’mon, what man wants to have to part the overgrown jungle between your legs to show some oral gratification?

Personally, I maintain her more than I did my under arms because, truth be told, I’ve never had a man ask me for some pit. Here’s the thing, when we get with our Boo’s and the relationship goes on for a period of time, we tend to get comfortable and think it’s okay to let ourselves go. Ladies, I am so sorry to be the one to tell you but it’s not okay; just because you have a man doesn’t mean it’s okay to give up on your appearance because you won’t keep his attention very long if that’s your mentality. Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s supposed to love and accept you for you and, yes, he should and does but he doesn’t like having to strategically roll over in the middle of the night out of fear of your toenails gashing a major artery in his leg because your toes look like you could swoop down and grab a salmon from a stream.

I will say that, while I was married, I made sure my nails and toes were always done but that was done partly out of being able to have 2 hours out of the house without young children, that was my time but I’m also a priss about my nails whether they be on my toes or fingers.

When you’ve been with someone for an extended period of time, you gain a sense of comfort to be yourself and there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s natural and lets them know you’re comfortable with and being around them. I believe everyone will understand that you know you’re comfortable with someone when you pass gas/fart around them. Now, guys are different because they, somehow, believe it’s hilarious to express themselves that way, regardless of the smell but women are a lot more discreet and try to be feminine as if we don’t rip ones when they’re alone. Head’s up guys, females fart too and some of them are very rank. Now, I, personally, would never give someone a Dutch Oven and would probably, undoubtedly beat the living hell out of someone for giving me one but I need to be accepted when my tummy hurts and I have the bubble guts.

Yes, I know this is taking what seems to be a disgusting turn but I also know many will be able to relate because a guy knows a female is comfortable around him when she ‘poots’, it’s natural, we all do it at some point. Here’s a little known fact, there are females who hold in their gas when they’re around their Boo because they want to seem dainty or strictly out of fear the smell will totally offend them to the point they don’t want to be with us anymore. This leads to an investment in antacids and random trips to another room to relieve the pressure. If they stay around after one of the salad farts, that’s your Boo for life!

Okay, let’s move on from the disgusting part of the relationship and get back to maintenance. While it’s true that men will look 14 months pregnant while wearing draws that resemble Venetian blinds and think they are the best thing since sliced bread, they will still expect you to maintain the appearance of a super model. They tend to negate the fact you’ve brought forth humans thru pregnancy a couple times and continue to work long hours which doesn’t afford you opportunity to go to the gym to get rid of the baby weight. Yes, it’s totally unrealistic and hypocritical but don’t you want to at least look good for yourself? This really isn’t about him at this point, Beautiful, it’s 100% about you and how comfortable you are in your skin. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s a great feeling to have the man you love adore every inch of your ever increasing physique but are you happy with it? I’ve seen it too many times, the woman gets comfortable because she feels she has him and lets herself go, there are no more pedicures (I have a thing about women’s feet not being taken care of and it’s not even a fetish), more armpit hair

than he has, a kitty with so much hair you can actually use a pick to fluff it out, and you’ve actually ceased the use of lotion! Really?! Would you initiate sex with someone who didn’t do the basics?! I will speak for myself and say, Hell NO, I expect my man to manscape and just take care of himself. So, when your Boo is out and a bad ass bitch who cares about her appearance because her hair, toes and nails are done who has decent conversation for him crosses his path, you don’t think his eyes and dang-a-lang will veer for a moment?

Fellas, the same rings true for us when you’ve given up even trying to look good for us and a brother wearing a suit and smelling good crosses our paths, our minds begin to wander as well. Now, if the man were to follow thru on his thoughts, he’s to blame because he can’t control himself but if a woman does it, he’s still to blame for not taking care of himself enough to keep her attention, double standard much? We blame him because he’s the one who made the commitment to you, right? In reality, he made a commitment to someone who cared about what she looked like even on her down days.

What many fail to understand is how easy it is for someone else to grab the attention of our Boo. This person is filling a void you’ve left by letting yourself go and ‘getting comfortable’. One thing both of my parents always reminded me of was: What you won’t do for your partner, there are many lined up waiting for the opportunity to step in and do for them.  When that door opens for the opportunity to cheat, it’s initially about sex because that is the first thing we give up because, duh, we’ve got them now, right? Why should we continue to pull tricks out of the bag to curl their toes, they love us which means we’ve done our job, right?

Again, no. Do you really think that because you curled your partner’s toes once or twice three years ago they’ll be good for eternity because they sleep next to your talon toed ass? Honey, sex won’t keep them any more faithful and loyal to you than your checkbook.

In the beginning of your relationship, you were the biggest freak for your man, pulling all kinds of tricks out of your bag, why did you stop? When you’re with someone for an extended period of time, you’re supposed to only get nastier with them, they didn’t sign up for you to turn into a nun and never be in the mood. Go in your closet or drawers and pull out that sexy outfit and those seductive heels and let your man make it rain on you!

I am not saying you have to ‘beat your face’ every day but at least pick the eye boogers out and clean out the crust from around your mouth if you expect them to give you a kiss at some point. The crust is just the beginning though, go to the store, get some razors and conquer the jungles that live under your arms and between your legs because, just like you’re not a fan of it, no man wants pubic hair going up his nose while trying to please you because, trust me, that bad bitch he met at the grocery store has a standing wax appointment to keep all areas smooth as a baby’s ass.

I will own, admit and proudly wear the crown of being a Ponytail Queen but, trust and believe, it’s never looked like an acorn on top of my head and I still have my edges which are smoothed and if you see me out in public running errands, my tshirt and jeans are clean. I don’t say all of this to suggest you live with a full face of makeup every single day while wearing snug fitting clothes which show off, and sometimes expose, your assets, I’m asking you to look in the mirror and remember who you were before your Boo entered your life.

I’m saying to be happy with who you see staring back at you. I used to be that female who wouldn’t leave the house without perfectly drawn on eyebrows until I met someone who told me I looked better without them and haven’t altered them since unless I have a special event.  

When you committed to your Boo, you took them off the market as they did you but it’s crucial to maintain the standard of the ‘market’ so you don’t lose them to someone who is still maintaining themselves. I’m going to give you a harsh reality right now, brace yourself. When you get comfortable and, literally, let yourself go, you are opening the door

for a wandering eyes and attention because your afro pits paired with your 70’s porn star kitty, caterpillar eyebrows, and monkey legs aren’t going to keep your Boo’s  attention especially when you’re no longer sexing them like the porn star you did when you first got together. I’m not suggesting you walk around like a beauty queen every day but utilize lotion and the waxing services in your area, show them some attention and let them know you are happy to have them in your life. I have a question for you: If your Boo met you in your current state, would they still be your Boo?

A few of years, as well as a couple of decades ago, I decided to take a male hiatus but each time was for very different reasons. Let me be clear up front, a male hiatus does not mean that I decided to date and deal with women, it simply means I voluntarily chose to be by myself and not entertain any members of the opposite sex. The hiatus which took place decades ago, was due to knowing, understanding, and feeling as though I was losing myself and sense of morals and ethics, I wasn’t behaving as the woman I was raised to be so, I took 2 years off from sex and dating. The more recent hiatus came due to the bullshit and nonsense which was approaching me disguised as ‘a good guy’ or someone with potential.

Recently, I’ve kept myself busy being a mom, going to work, and working on myself because I haven’t had the energy or tolerance to date or deal with anyone because I see and feel their lack of authenticity when they approach me. I hear the horror stories of dating and relationship tragedies and just don’t want to deal with any of it because, I promise, if I am involved in some foolishness or someone trying to play me? I will catch an entire case this time around.

I recently was made aware of someone’s opinion of me. Before I share their opinion, let me share the content and character of the person who felt as though they had license to even speak on me and my character. This male is a narcissist; has multiple children by multiple women yet has never raised any of his children; treats the mothers of his children like shit; feels as though the world and women owe him just for merely existing; can’t afford to pay his own bills on a consistent and monthly basis; although he is almost 50 years old, he still walks around with a thug mentality and would fight teenagers because they stole his Polo® jacket; is very disrespectful to women; has a good job but, due to his ignorant attitude, will surely soon lose it; flosses with other people’s money but portrays it as his own because that’s what he thinks matters; uses women’s weaknesses against them; tells women he doesn’t want a relationship so he can do whatever he chooses but they can’t;

is such a mitch that he allows women to pay his way on dates and trips out of town; can’t keep food in his fridge and relies on the women he is suckering to provide his nourishment; doesn’t know how to perform oral sex but demands it be performed on him; plays the telephone game with the multiple females he’s involved with and has full faith they won’t discuss it with each other even though they know each other; has multiple domestic violence charges against him on his record; and wears nothing but grey sweatpants, hoodies and wife beaters. Now, anyone who knows me is fully aware this is not someone I would even look at twice and get irritated at the audacity of him approaching me with any conversation but he made sure to share he’d never date me.

Aaaaaw, I’m so crushed that an ignorant, dirty dang-a-lang thug wouldn’t date me, how will I ever go on with my life? Ummm, very easily and unbothered, that’s how.

Now, onto what he felt about me that makes me, according to him, undateable and destined to be alone for the rest of my life: I am a shallow, prudish bitch whose standards are too high, making it so no man would ever want to be with me and cause me to live the life of a spinster. Had I learned of his opinion of me about 15 years ago, I’d have been crushed and internalized every single word, thinking and believing those things were true. However, being the grown ass woman with standards that I am today, I couldn’t care less and refuse to relax my standards just to have a piece of shit dude in my life.  

As different as my parents were individually, they raised me with a purpose and I refuse to let them down by settling for anyone less than worthy of all I am and have to offer. Are my standards high? You’re damn right they are and they’ll stay exactly where they are until someone who is willing to meet or exceed them comes into my life. I believe in being courted and dating with a purpose as well as being treated like the Queen I am because I would do no less for the King worthy of being in my life.

I have had people tell me that I should be this way or that way and accept certain things so I won’t be alone or to have companionship but I want to be happy in my relationship, I want to look at my Boo and just be filled with joy because he embodies so many qualities I desire and deserve and I don’t have to settle for less to be with him. I have settled before in my life and I will not deal with the headache of that ever again.

I am also aware I sound very close minded but, believe me, I am not, I’m actually very open minded and understanding but there is just some shit that will never sit right with my spirit. One of the main things that doesn’t sit well with me is lying and, more importantly, lying for absolutely no reason at all. My children have learned that if I come to you with a detailed question, I already know the answer and, if you opt to lie, you’re only making it harder on yourself and are now unworthy in my eyes.  I learned a long time ago that telling someone a lie is basically calling them stupid because you don’t give them enough credit to be smart enough to see thru the bullshit. I refuse to put on waist high boots to maneuver thru the massive amount of lies any guy tries to pull on me.

I am too much of a wonderful mix of intelligence and observation to be fooled by such simple acts of these weak ass lies a dude will try to get me to believe, they must not know who my parents are. At the age I am and date within, there is no reason to lie to me, save that for the young girls you want to get over on. When you lie to anyone, you are taking away their decision in the whole process, you never know what someone may or may not be down with because you opted to be a lying sack of shit rather than a grown ass man and owning what you do and desire.

Recently, I had a guy attempt to use my standards against me in the manner of believing if he checked off the items on my ‘list’ of what it takes to get the pannies, I’d become his sexual conquest. I’ll state it again for those in the back who didn’t hear me the first time: I was raised with a purpose, and part of that was to not be fooled by your shallow, immature lies and ignorance, Paula and Frank took the upbringing of me seriously. Anyone who knew my daddy knows he was quite the lady’s man but what few are aware of is that he armed his daughters with the knowledge of how not to be lured in and fooled by men such as him.

While my mother may not have directly schooled me, her actions and the way she lived her life with the men in it showed me what I did and didn’t want to deal with. Oh, and let’s not forget my sister who actually sat me down and told me she wanted more for me than she’d settled for in her early life, she wanted me to be better than her. Oh shit, wait, I cannot forget about my whorish male cousins whom I watched use a multitude of females in their lives. So, you see, I come armed with a lot of knowledge and was prepared to deal with the so-called ‘game’ guys believe they are the exclusive owners of. Unfortunately, I am learning more and more every day that I am an anomaly, there are so many females who were never educated on the games guys play just to hit it and quit it. I have watched so many of my friends get their feelings hurt and hearts broken because they believed a guy was different, authentic and genuine because he knew what it took to play and use her for his own selfish reasons. Know this right here and now, I am not her.

We are too old to be playing games with one another, if all you want to do is have sex? Let it be known, don’t think wining and dining me is going to get you laid because I can feed as well as please myself. If all you want is for me to be eye candy on your arm, say so and let me decide if it’s worth it or not. To me, all these games are exhausting and I’m not here for any of it. If you are interested in me, show it with your honesty, time, attention and consistent effort. If you’re not willing to do what it takes, move aside because you’re blocking the path of the right man being able to come into my life.

I was raised to know and understand that anyone who is worthy of me will put in the effort to do so without bitching about being the only one sending a simple 2 second Good Morning text. The one worthy of being with me, or any grown ass woman, will pick up the phone and properly ask her on a date or simply just to hear her voice, he will plan dates, he won’t lie about having a slew of bodies in a small area and a regular female he has sex with, he will share with me the two things which are priceless and irreplaceable: his time and the truth. Anyone worthy of you will not keep you a secret from anyone, you won’t have to go out of town to spend time in public with them, you won’t have to creep over to his house or have him come to yours in the wee hours of the night as to not be seen by anyone he knows, he’ll gladly take you around family and friends. At our age, there is no reason to do the hoe stroll on a regular basis because you can’t be seen leaving his house before dawn.

It’s time we take our power back, ladies, and let these shiftless dudes know we demand more than their lackluster and lazy effort to be with us. We deserve planned dates, being on their arms at company functions and events, meeting their mommas/aunties/cousins/siblings, and having someone who pays for the gas he’s pumping into our vehicles just to name a few. Just as I was raised with a purpose, so were you, don’t let your parents down by being with someone they would never approve of.

Guess what! My mother was NOT a THOT, hoe, skank, floozy, side chick, jezebel or anything of that nature. While that may come from the innocence of being her daughter and being in awe of the image of absolute perfection she displayed to me and my sister on a daily and consistent basis, I feel secure in my statement. Now, if my mother was out there doing her thing? That’s another story for another day and one that you and I will never be aware of because whatever may have been done happened before the age of social media, cell phone cameras and videos, and Facebook® Lives. I get a little giggle and touch of nostalgia when I think about all of the shit we did when we were younger but there is no permanent internet trail to prove it. I am a child of the 70s/80s and we were free to be and do whatever we wanted within the limits of what our ‘village’ saw and were able to report back to our parents. Back in those days, the only eyes we had to worry about being snitches and watchdogs were our neighbors looking out of their windows or seeing us while they were watering their gardens.

In this jankety society? There is no privacy, there is no way for you to play Hide and Go Freak with the neighborhood boys and it stayed in your neighborhood with no proof of anyone actually touching your newly sprouting boob under the t-shirt but over the bra. You can’t even just run to the store looking homeless because there will be someone there ready to snap a pic and post it to social media critiquing you with the subject “DAAAAYYUUUUM! She used to be so fine! I guess life is hard for her #RaggedyBitch #Homeless #DodgedABullet”. Queen, you know you are FINE but now you feel the need to prove it to millions of unknown losers around the world. There is no freedom to be young and dumb because everyone has an itchy trigger finger on that record button on their expensive ass phone to upload you at your lowest moment with the quickness to share with the entire world. I’ll say it again for those in that back, MY MOTHER WAS NOT A THOT, HOE OR SKANK, was yours?

This newfangled age of technology has made us so weak and disconnected from reality it actually sickens me. I am so old school that I actually cherish a face to face conversation and this is speaking volumes because I’m also an introvert who doesn’t like people. We have become so comfortable in being keyboard bullies on social media that we forget the people we are responding to are human beings with feelings. We see a post on social media we may not agree with and, instead of scrolling right past it, we feel it’s our GOD given right to tell them how stupid they are for feeling the way they do or believe. Today’s society also places so much emphasis on how many “Likes” we get that we sacrifice our dignity and self-respect. I am so absolutely sick and tired of seeing scantily clad females taunting others with their assets just to get the “thumbs up”

that I get annoyed and have to take a break from social media. I will not apologize for not being enticed, intrigued or in awe of a female with a surgically enhanced ass twerking in slow motion or a female wearing next to nothing with her legs wide open gesturing for men to come hither. Sorry, not sorry, but females are not the only internet THOTS out there selling their self-respect and dignity for some likes because I see just as many males pimping themselves out with a towel wrapped around their waist, grinding in slow motion or even jumping rope in slow motion with no draws on so you can see his dang-a-lang flopping up and down. All of this may appeal to some but it doesn’t impress me in the least because I would never want someone who has plastered the body I’m supposed to call mine with the entire world of social media. You are free to do you, Boo, but you will never do me because I don’t share.

As you are well aware of, I am a mother of 2 beautiful, yet highly impressionable, teenage daughters who is also single and would absolutely cringe and try to disappear if they saw me half naked or twerking online on one of their friend’s phones. When did mothers become so classless and lack couth? When did we stop caring what our children would think or go thru when their classmates are drooling over our asses or titties hanging out of our clothes posted to social media to get some likes?

Hell, I remember how my mother dressed every single day, whether it be for work, cleaning the house or going to a motorcycle function and at no time was she advertising what she had to offer. I can scroll thru social media right now and see a mother of 3 with so much cleavage displayed, I’m surprised I don’t see a nipple, with even less material covering her ass as though she isn’t friends with her child(ren) on social media. Do you really think when you post a sultry picture to get the attention of the other sex that your teenage children’s friends don’t see and are jerking off to you and then taunting your child? Seriously, you can keep all of that attention because I want more for my daughters than that.

Somehow, in this world of acquiring Likes®, we’ve deemed one another as competition. Let me ‘splain something to you real quick, I am in competition with no one. Do I own that I am an attractive woman? Yes, I do but I don’t say it out of conceit or arrogance but I also don’t rely on it as a crutch in defining who I am. My parents raised me to be a decent, proud, intelligent and responsible human being. I also am comfortable in the fact that there are women who are physically more attractive than me and I will graciously compliment her beauty because I am secure in who I am as a woman. Unfortunately, everyone doesn’t possess this mindset, they feel if another female garners more male attention than she does that she’s a bitch, whore, or competition for attention.

This is truly hilariously sad because, nine times out of ten, she doesn’t even want the attention and is just being socially polite. You have so many females who will bar hop with all of their assets on display, get sloppy drunk, flirt with, and more times than not sleep with, all of the men in the establishment and think they are the absolute bees knees and that they have it on lock until a female who isn’t seeking anyone’s attention walks in the door. What these loose females fail to realize is they aren’t even in the same category with the woman who walked in with her head held high and not reeking of desperation. The woman who walked in isn’t thinking about Ms. Loose Booty or anyone who has bedded her, she knows she is worth and deserves more than a male buying her a drink to get the pannies.

There are females out here who believe because they are giving up the goods, they are someone’s girlfriend even though they’ve never been seen in public with this individual, had a real date, been to their home for anything less than some trashy ass sex in any room except his bedroom, or met his kids. These same females will get in their feelings when the regular booty calls cease because he has decided to move on and be serious with another female he wants to take around town, on dates, chill at his home, build and is proud to be seen with.

The reality is, this man knew you were easy and got what he wanted from you because he smelled the desperation when you spoke to him, what do you think drew him to you in that establishment? Do you think it was your personality? No? Oh, it must have been your intelligence he sought out from across the room of intoxicated party goers. No, baby, you reeked of desperation for some male companionship which smelled like a bitch in heat to a dog that walked thru the door.

In the words of my Daddy, One thing for certain and two things for sure, only an insecure female will be intimidated by another female’s presence. I give thanks and praises to how I was raised because how another person views me doesn’t consume me, what they eat don’t make me shit. I am proud to state I am 47 years young and I have the understanding that anyone I deal with my age has a past, just as do I, and I don’t hold that against them. At my age and maturity, I am not here to compete with any other female over a man and, the reality is, the choice isn’t even mine or that other female’s, it is his. He knows what he wants in his life at that time, just as I do, and if it’s just to bust a nut, he’s all yours but if he wants to build with someone, I’ll hear what he has to say and move accordingly.

Until women respect and appreciate one another for who and how they are, there will always be jealousy, insecurities, hating, and slander. Whatever happened to the Sister Girl code of unity?

Oh, that’s right, it went out the window when that easy on the eyes brother walked thru the door and you just had to prove you were the better choice by sleeping with him than the female you don’t have license to judge. We seriously need to do better and start supporting and cheering for instead of bashing and degrading one another over someone whose cup of tea we are not. As Jill Scott® sang, “Everythang ain’t for everybody”.  Your Boo will come along, I promise, but you have to stop doling your goods out like Halloween candy trying to find him because the one who’s for you won’t bed you on his couch the first night the two of you spend time alone. Keep it tight, ladies, you’re sitting on a platinum mine not a pot of some Dollar store off brand candy.

About 14 years ago, there was a movie which came out called Hustle and Flow. Now, I will probably have my ‘Black card’ revoked because I have never seen the movie and obviously that’s some sort of No No in the Black community. This was a popular movie and even more popular soundtrack which had a song called “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” and I began thinking as this song popped in my head and continued to repeat, is it really hard out here for a pimp? Have you ever been be a mother who’s single and in her 40’s trying to date in this new-fangled, jankety society? You want to talk about hard out here, let’s discuss all the bullshit we have to put up with that pimps don’t! When you’re a mother who’s single, it’s less about a “Bitch better have my money”

and more along the lines of being willing to catch a charge if someone plays with your emotions and waste your time yet again.

Okay, let me start by saying I’m not nor have ever been a pimp and definitely have never worked for one but I believe I have the general concept down: manage females who are willing to do sexual favors with clients for a fee, give you all the money and receive a small portion for their hard, demeaning work. Hell, if you take out the sex part, this sounds a lot like corporate America. Even though he ‘test’ all of his ‘product’ before putting it out there for clients, a pimp doesn’t have to worry about catching feelings for anyone, matter of fact, they have to be far removed from any emotional commitment to their ‘ladies’ because it’s about business. Pimps will treat their ‘employees’ like absolute garbage, beat them to a pulp if they are short with money and tell them they love them which produces more loyalty from these females than the dog you rescued from death row of the animal shelter. They worry about their clientele being satisfied and coming back for more services which keeps the pimp in fur coats, hats, the finest fabrics, and luxury vehicles.

A pimp’s biggest worry is whether or not “that bitch got his money”.  He doesn’t have to worry about whether he has a babysitter he can trust to watch his children while he goes on a date with some dullard just so he feels attractive and desired. A pimp doesn’t have to worry about being ghosted by someone he really cares about because, again, he doesn’t get emotionally involved but we do. Again, tell me how it’s hard out here for a pimp because, the more I type, the better that profession is looking right now.

As you are well aware by now, I am a mother of 2 beautiful teenage daughters who is also single but they haven’t always been teenagers and able to stay home while I go out and attempt to be a grown up. When they were younger, dating did not exist in my life because there weren’t too many men who were understanding and patient enough to only be able to see, go out and spend time with me every other weekend when the girls were with their father. While some would say that sucks, it was the choice I made as their mother to be there and present in their lives instead of gallivanting around town with a slew of men, that’s never been the role model I want to be for my daughters as well as a female I don’t know how to be. Making that choice enabled me to know and understand my children at their core while also giving them memories of Mommie always being there for and with them, choosing them over some dang-a-lang attached to some randoms.

I’ve been doing this mother who’s single thing for over a decade now and, even though they’re able to stay home alone, I don’t abuse it, I choose them over a night of drinking many times because I actually like my daughters, they’re cool and interesting human beings! Yes, I know all parents think their children are the bomb and they probably are because you chose to be involved in their lives by being present and not just buying them the latest and greatest technological gadget. When given the opportunity, I will gladly flake on people just so I can stay home to have pizza, movie time, and conversation while playing Uno® with our jumbo cards or baking cookies. I have a daughter who will be 900 miles away from me to attend college in a month, I’m going to soak up all of her in the meantime.

Now that I’ve covered the joys of being a single mother, let me share some of the aggravations of it. For starters, how many of you know what it’s like to make plans, whether it be with platonic or romantic friends, and hear, “Where are you going?”, “Who are you going out with?” followed up with “Didn’t you just go out a couple months ago?” Last I checked, my daddy (may he continue to rest in paradise) passed away 9.5 years ago and my mother lives in Florida yet, I’m having to justify going out to teenagers who are judging my clothes, makeup and hair. When did the tables turn and I became their child?

You want to know what’s worse? I answer all of their questions as though they are my parents and I do so because I don’t want them to feel shut out of my life but I don’t give them all the details because I’m still the parent…………I think. Did you know that I’m not ‘allowed’ to run errands alone and haven’t been able to for the last 3 years because a handsome older gentleman softly hit on me at a stoplight while my youngest was with me? When it happened, she looked at me as though I had instigated it and said, “Is this what happens when you go out alone? If so, that’s not happening anymore because that was just weird and creepy. I’ll be going with you from now on”. Yes, I still hear about that incident because she couldn’t believe a man would have the audacity to find her mother attractive enough to attempt a conversation in the short time we were both stopped at a light. And they say pimps have it hard?!

Let’s set aside being single and someone’s mother for a moment and focus on the dating puddle of decent men which is about the size of ant pee by the time you’re in your forties. You find yourself willing to take a chance to get to know a guy who seems like he has his shit all the way together only to find out he’s more damaged than a piece of fine China dropped from the observation deck of the Empire State building and then run over by a Mack truck. You, however don’t find this out until you’ve invested time, effort and feelings into this human and then catch yourself mouthing “WTF”

when those wounds start surfacing. You try to be supportive and there for them but realize there’s nothing you can do for them, no matter how much you’re there for them, their damage and pain runs too deep and you not only lose a possible romantic partner, now you’ve also lost a friend. You put on your big girl pannies, suck it up and say, “Let’s try again” only to learn the person you were willing to give a chance has a past he hasn’t cleared up and that past confronts you. How about the guys who look at you and think that they’re going to get laid simply because they have all of their teeth? And, please, let’s not forget the guy who you are perfect for but they’re too damaged, scared and skeptical of it being real that they hold you at arm’s length only to constantly stay in your life giving you false hope they’ll man up and commit to you. Oh, wait, I almost forgot about all the married men who think you’re so desperate as a single woman that you’d be honored to be their side chick just to have a piece of a man. You have guys out here who will be with you for your pretty face and keep a side chick with a fat ass on the side because yours is just average sized.

There have been many who have tried to convince me to have a ‘life’ outside of my children too many times to count, telling me I need to focus on myself because they’ll soon be grown and living their own lives while I’m still trying to learn to have one. While I appreciate the advice and concern, I’ll never apologize for pouring so much of myself into my girls because that’s the type of mother they deserve. I have been attempting to ‘get a life’ over the last few months and I’m already over the aggravation of it all. I am not looking for perfection but, shit, can I get some consistency? I’m not talking about consistently being an asshole, thinking I’m going to be one of many, that I’m just a piece of ass or the only one putting forth any effort. The type of consistency I’m referring to is: being interested and actually showing it without stipulations and conditions; putting forth the effort to get to know me as a person and not just a body; having genuine interest in me as a person and not as a therapist where you unload all of your shit and drama; planning of dateS and following thru with them; and respecting my Love Language as I do yours. The funny thing is, I don’t ask for anything I’m not willing to do for another person but I’m determined not to be the only one putting forth consistent effort.

Whoever said it was hard out here for a pimp was not a single woman in her forties in 2019 because we have it a lot harder, trust me when I tell you! But, even as hard and annoying as it can be sometimes, I may be a little tattered and worn but I’m still a cupid

who has faith that I’ll receive my happily ever after and I’m not giving up just yet and don’t you either.

I was having a conversation with a friend today and he expressed disgust because his dog licked him in the face while he was trying to sleep.

While he was irritated, he also spoke of how he was lying down with his eyes closed but wasn’t wearing his CPAP machine which helps him breathe. I explained to him that, while he was annoyed by dog breath and spit on his face, she was showing concern and love and making sure he was okay. For the last few years, there’s been this study going around which helps people decipher their specific Love Language and understand others thru their language. There are 5 Love Languages which help you understand why a person does or doesn’t respond to you in the manner you’ve become accustomed or feeds your soul. His dog was expressing her Love Language of affection and physical touch to show him she cared about him.

I took the Love Language quiz a few years ago and it was no surprise to me or anyone who knows me that my main one is Affection and Physical Touch followed by Quality Time. Just like I’m a frickin cupid who loves love, thru touch is how I receive my affirmation someone cares about and desires me. When you’ve grown up with affection, it’s how you know someone cares about you. I believed all people were this way but am sadly disappointed when someone else’s LL is Words of Affirmation or Acts of Service. Yes, it’s great to hear someone whose opinion you respect tell you they are proud of you but when affection or receiving gifts is your LL, it doesn’t speak to or touch your soul.

Those words of affirmation and kudos are great and help you grow with confidence when received from an elder like your parent or grandparent because their approval is always sought to confirm we’re following the path they lay for us. I own 100% that I sought words of affirmation from my mother for decades and struggled with making decisions in my own personal life because I never knew if I was living up to her expectations. Yes, I know now that’s no way to live, you can’t live your life teetering on someone else’s opinions because it’s your life to live, not theirs.

Being who and how I am with the leading language of Affection, I naturally give the other languages, I believe they fall directly under mine. If I care about someone, I will tell them how much I appreciate them and how proud I am for something they’ve done in their life; to show them I’m thinking about them, I’ll send or buy them small trinkets just because I was thinking of them which caters to the language of Receiving Gifts.

Since I crave physical touch and attention, I’m going to want to be around them all the dayum time (Attention) and offer to help with any task that won’t get my clothes dirty, make me sweat or damage a nail (Act of Service). C’mon now, I’m still a girly girl who will gladly keep you company and hand you tools as you’re changing oil or brakes, just please, I beg of you, don’t expect me to do the work with you because I will not be happy and if I ain’t happy, you won’t be either.

Recently, I reached a milestone in my life: I bought my own car with my own insurance! Yay me! Now, to some, that may seem ridiculous but for me it was an act of acknowledging I’m officially an adult and it only took 47 years.

I’ve always had my mom and dad there in the car buying process, putting cars and insurance in their names for me, taking care of me like parents do and I LOVE and APPRECIATE them for it. Thru the car buying process, I had to admit for the first time that I might be a little spoiled because I’ve been blessed to live a life only dreamt of and hoped for by many but it was my norm and all I’d ever known. In verbalizing being spoiled, I also realized I can also be quite the brat when things don’t go my way and I don’t know which language that is a part of, might just be my personality.

I’ve actually had it pretty great in my life but still had the audacity to complain and have been humbled by the stories of others which brought a tear to my eye because their upbringing was some shit. I’ve been blessed to experience all of the LLs growing up from those around me and have grown accustomed to and expect anyone who enters my life to exhibit all of them. Being brought up the way I was, I don’t understand someone who only has one LL and the brat rears her ugly head when I’m not showered with all of the languages.

Since I am aware of the LLs, I never thought about how someone with a different language would impact me and my feelings nor did I realize how much I need the affection in a romantic relationship until I didn’t have it. I’ve stayed in a couple of relationships with the belief the person I was with would wake up and shower me with affection outside of the bedroom and them being horny because they cared about me. Let me state this: showing affection just to get laid is more of an insult than attempt of showing affection and sexual innuendos without affection makes someone like me feel like I’m only there for you to empty your sack and that’s not gonna make the pannies drop………..at all.

I simply believe once you learn someone’s LL and care about them, you will do what it takes to adapt and give them what they desire and crave, WRONG! When someone only lives by one LL, they live with blinders on and know absolutely nothing about the others and show their love thru the only language they know which is where the clash comes into play. Selfishly, I don’t accept the inability to adapt and become who they need you to be because, if you care about someone, you’re supposed to do what it takes, right? But, unfortunately, everyone isn’t built to be affectionate, tell you they’re proud of and appreciate you, or lavish you with gifts and attention. Although I appear to act as though I know everything, I actually don’t, shocking right? All I go on is what I feel in my soul and would be willing to do for the person I claim to care about because I know what it means to them.

When you have a job/career, technology will come into play and alter everything you previously knew, you have to learn new skills and ways of getting the job done, why can’t you do that for the person you claim to want to be with? If you don’t adapt at work, they will quickly replace you with someone who went to school and received the training and a degree and replace you with the quickness but you expect the person who cares about you to just accept you as you are?

Is it because the person you’re with isn’t paying for your livelihood that you see no reason to grow and adapt to being what they need? When it comes to love and relationships, they may not financially compensate you but the feelings they fill your soul with can’t compare with that paycheck. Well, wait, I’ll take that back because if your LL is Receiving Gifts, money and material items are what you relate to. I don’t understand the Receiving Gifts as an act of love because I grew up watching my mother have everything materialistic she had ever dreamed of bestowed upon her by her husband and still left because she wasn’t fulfilled in the areas which mattered most to her. This is not to say that I don’t appreciate jewelry, purses, or shoes because I do, just not as the only way to prove you love me.

We all have our own Love Language and, if we’re lucky, we’ll find the one who speaks it fluently and live happily ever after. Now, the reality is, with everyone being as unique and individual as snowflakes, there will be people who speak a different language than the one which speaks to and ignites your soul but their overall being captivates your mind and spirit and, at that point, you have a decision to make: do you take them as they are while making the compromise and lacking what you desire or just walk away because it’s not worth the energy and time at this phase of your life?

That’s a question I’m not able to answer for you or anyone else, hell, I’m having a hard enough time answering it for myself. I think the LL chart is very helpful if you use it to understand what soothes another’s soul and spirit with the willingness and ability to adapt to make them feel desired and wanted. I believe it becomes a problem when you know what it takes and do nothing about it and use “I wasn’t brought up that way so I don’t know any other way to be” as a crutch because you’re telling that person they’re not worth you even trying.

Learn your language and study the others so you know how to love another properly but don’t say you understand but are unwilling to adapt and show them what they mean to you. Love is all about effort, whether it be thru time, attention, affection, gifts or words of affirmation, everyone has a language that, once decoded, will open them up to being the best person for and to you.  When loved properly, we naturally become better people, it shows in our smiles, the way our eyes light up around them, and our overall being.

There is a phrase I’m hearing a lot more from guys lately in reference to females, “She has daddy issues” and I can’t really speak on what they are because I don’t romantically deal with females. I will own I have a daddy issue which hinders me in the dating world and I would have it no other way. My issue is that my father set the bar and standard of what a man should be for the woman he loves and cares about and, unfortunately, in this day and age, very few measure up.

The ones who measure up in the beginning have gotten lazy because they think once they ‘got me’, they can slack off and that just shows me is it’s not who they are and merely acted that way in hopes of getting laid. Little do these guys know, my daddy taught me how to not to be so easily fooled that I can be talked out of my panties for a slick tongued dude. I am blessed to have the lessons he instilled in me and will be happily single until someone worthy of all I have to offer steps up with real, genuine intentions.

So often, we speak only of females behaving in certain manners because she didn’t have a daddy in her life with little mention of men having mommy issues. Yes, mommy issues are real but no one speaks of it but makes excuses as to why he is the way he is, sometimes even blaming the other females he has dealt with, all the while we overlook the main culprit: His Momma. As females, we’re supposed to support our men in every facet and be that nurturing spirit they may have been lacking at some point in their lives. As females, we’re supposed to overlook, accept and love our men thru all of their breakdowns, lack of communication and even when they push us away, we’re supposed to patiently wait until they have their shit together enough to man up and come back to our open and accepting arms of love and comfort.

There is nothing wrong with supporting your man at all but when you’re doing it at the cost of your own sanity and peace of mind, you need to sit back and re-evaluate the real issues at hand and realize it’s nothing to do with you.

The first mommy issue we’re going to delve into is the infamous Momma’s Boy! Yes, we’ve all known and some have foolishly loved this damaged man, I belong to the foolish ones clique. This type of male has an unhealthy relationship with his mother and it’s usually not totally his fault because the mother is the one who doesn’t know how to take the titty out of his mouth and let him grow up. This is a hard relationship to be in because her milk is the only nourishment he’s known, she’s the one who is there when his heart gets broken, she’s the one who will never leave him which makes anyone who couldn’t take his childish bullshit appear as a heartless bitch who didn’t appreciate him for who he is. The reality is, you left him because you saw who he was and were tired of being broken by someone who didn’t know how to put you first because his mother is a dominating force in his life.

The mother sees and treats her son as her king and man, relying on him to do the things a grown man who is sexing her should be doing: leaving his home, woman and bed to go to her home to figure out why her cable isn’t working, washing her car even though he doesn’t put a bubble on his woman’s car, expecting him to be her financial support while she mismanages her own money, etc. This is a difficult relationship to have with him because he will constantly be torn who to do for, you or his momma and you usually lose out because he’ll throw the guilt trip on you of, “Baby, it’s my mother, what do you expect me to do”? He will constantly feel torn and in the middle and you’ll receive much disrespect from him and her before you’re done with it all. In the beginning, we respect him that much more because he does whatever he can to take care of his mother but that shit gets old quick when she feels she has license to speak to you however she feels and he doesn’t bat an eye. Here’s the reality of dealing with a Momma’s Boy and his momma – to her, you’re viewed as the side chick and are a threat because you are giving him the one thing she never could: SEX.  

With him, you’ll never have all of him because she has a hold on him she’s not willing to relinquish since he’s always been there with and for her, he’s the only male that’s loved her unconditionally and will never leave and, if he attempts to grow up, she’ll guilt trip him into doing more for her as he puts you on the back burner of his priorities.

We all watch television and see what we deem are the ideal mothers, you know the ones who are there for their children when they have a good/bad day, kiss their boo-boos, work a full day and come home and put a hot meal on the table, and are their biggest cheerleader and support in all of their activities.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a reality for some and a harder pill to swallow for the little boy who does everything to gain his mother’s approval, hugs, kisses and support. The little boy who grew up with a mother in the house but wasn’t present will crave that type of nurturing love and support but fear it when it’s presented in the form of a woman who fills the void of his cravings. While he may crave that type of love and support, he doesn’t know how to handle it and will regress to that little boy who felt he wasn’t good enough for his own mother and push you away, no matter how perfect you are for him, he’s too scared to believe you won’t disappoint him the way she did. Instinctually, we stay by his side, loving him thru his dark moments (which he’ll have more of than you can count because he’s fighting a battle within himself you know nothing about), doing everything in our power to prove to him he’s worthy of your love and that you’ll never leave him. There will come a point when you realize you have to leave him because trying to love him into being whole will destroy you because you’re not getting what you desire or deserve and you can’t put him back together, that’s his responsibility.

With this type of man, it won’t matter how perfect you are, he’ll never appreciate it because, if the first woman in his life didn’t feel he was worthy of unconditional love and support wasn’t there for him, he’ll never believe and have faith you or anyone else will.

We have now come to the perfect mother who passes away; leaving a void within her son he’s now too afraid to let anyone near. His mother did a wonderful job raising her son with a healthy balance of nurturing support but letting him grow up; he’s a great man, a gentleman, great provider, kind and has a heart full of love. He sounds ideal, doesn’t he? Well, he really is but once you get close and he starts to fall for you, he’ll back off because he doesn’t want to go thru the pain of loss again.

Again, this has nothing to do with you but you suffer because you get your feelings involved and all of sudden…………..nothing, the usual texts and communication trickle off to nothing at all and you’re standing there holding your broken heart wondering what the hell happened.  What happened was he got in his own head and thoughts of missing his mother and needed to create space between the two of you before he cared too much. Yes, this sucks big time because you had no intentions of leaving him, only loving him, but you can’t compete with someone who was everything to him but is no longer here.

As a mother, I know I’m not perfect but, dammit, I do my best for my girls and can’t understand how a mother could use her child as a verbal and physical punching bag. Hell, when I have to discipline my girls, I feel like shit and retreat to my room so they don’t see me breaking from seeing the hurt in their eyes. When I decided to bring them into this world, I made the conscious choice to put their well-being before my own and make their lives better than what I had growing up.

Unfortunately, there are females who have brought sons into this world who they treat as the worst thing they could have ever done, reminding them on a regular basis that they aren’t shit when they’re actually pretty great human beings. This type of woman will take all of her bitterness and transgressions towards men out on the one who can’t truly fend for himself and looks to her for protection, nurturing, love and support. When she has a bad day, she physically and verbally takes it out on the male who just wants a hug because he had a bad day as well. The male raised in this environment doesn’t know what real love is because the only way it was expressed to him was thru a beating with anything she could get her hands on or constantly being yelled at and belittled.

Having been raised in a household where the only time someone touched him caused bruises, welts, or cuts causes him not to know how to be affectionate which is a major factor in an intimate relationship. This man will show his affection verbally and not understand why it’s not enough because he seeks the affirmations that he’s doing right and, once again, be made to feel less than because it’s not what she’s expecting or used to. If you genuinely care about him, understand you will need the patience of Job in the area of affection and teach him that every touch doesn’t lead to pain.

We are all damaged in some form or another and the initial cause of that damage comes from our parents who didn’t know any better at the time they were inflicting it. Yes, females have mommy issues as well which will hinder relationships because she is so afraid of not pleasing or making her mother proud, she’ll question everything in her life from her job, parenting skills and every romantic relationship. Mommy issues aren’t gender specific but rear their ugly heads in different manners depending on the gender: a man will push you away and run scared because they’re taught not to show emotions whereas a female will cling to a man harder trying to prove she is good enough. Seeing as though we’re all damaged in our own ways, we need to take the time to understand where the damage began and decide whether or not we can handle healing something we had nothing to do with.

I know many mothers, single and married, who have and are raising boys into men and I respect them more than they could ever know because the weight of that responsibility isn’t bestowed unto everyone. Yes, it seems totally selfish to say this but I openly admit I never wanted a son because I know how I am and didn’t want to create a human who would cause a female the type of pain I have endured at the hands of the types of men I’ve spoken on. It’s hard to tell someone that who and how their mother was doesn’t define them because she is the one who gave them life, the one who is supposed to protect, support, nurture and love them thru anything. We all seek our mommy’s approval and when it’s not given, we never feel worthy of anyone who just wants to love and care for us. It is our personal responsibility to realize how great of a person we are and not the person we were conditioned to believe we were by someone who was too damaged from their past to love us properly. Mothers, I beg of you, please take the responsibility of raising you boys into the healthy, strong, loving men you’d want for yourself but with the willingness to share him.

Recently, I was approached with the concept of an open marriage! This is so laughable to me because, for those who are unaware, I should be a chubby cherub wearing a diaper and shooting people with heart shaped arrows because I just believe in love that much.

Do I realize my ideals about love and marriage are a little old fashioned in comparison with today’s societal views? Of course I do but that doesn’t stop me from loving love, monogamy and marriage, nothing will ever stop that. Yes, I’ve had my heart broken more than once but I understand love didn’t break my heart, a person who didn’t know how to love me hurt me, therefore, I don’t hold love accountable for that pain. I also realize a lot of people have yet to embrace that concept and hold every person after their failed relationship accountable for their pain instead of healing it on their own. I’ve spoken my peace on side pieces and will now address the ridiculous concept of an open marriage.

When you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, when does it become okay to add people to your relationship? It’s been over 20 years since I said “I do” but I believe the vows you make before GOD, family and friends remain the same: you are to honor, cherish and be committed to the person standing before you at the altar til death do you part.

But, of course, because people are now doing whatever the hell they want, you have spouses with boyfriends and girlfriends, attending swingers parties, and actually dating other people. While I was having the conversation with the person who is so very pro-open marriage, I asked him several times why he was trying to convince me, of all people, on this mockery of something so ideal, he must not know me very well, right? He wanted to try to change my perspective on it, I’ll let you guess how that worked out for him. He tried every avenue possible to get me on the same street as him and say, “Oh, I get it and am now down with it”. Again, this is hilarious to me but I did let him speak his peace to see the underlying issue because I didn’t understand how someone who has been married for 20+ years is now recruiting people for the open marriage lifestyle.

To me, an open marriage is breaking the 7^th commandment among other things. Why would you promise to be with one person til death you part but when things aren’t going as smoothly in year 15 as they were in year 1, you opt to see other people? I’ve been married, I’m aware of the shit show it can truly be which is why I am a divorcee’! Marriage is work, it’s a lot of work because you are joining 2 separate individuals to live a life as one, this is not always going to be easy but you made the decision to say “I Do”. I got married relatively young, didn’t know a lot but also knew I wanted my marriage to work, I fell short in some areas as did he and we decided to call it quits because too much damage had taken place to salvage the relationship.

During the turbulent parts of my marriage, at no point did we look at each other and say, “Hey, this is a lil difficult for me right now so, I’m going to go ahead and start seeing other people who will do things for me you no longer do. Oh, but don’t worry, our marriage, finances, home and family will stay intact, I’m just gonna be getting some on the side, ‘kay?”, we stayed and tried our best to work it out with each other. Why not just leave the marriage since you want to live your life as a single person? Dating multiple people is what single people do, not something those who are building a life together partake in. I will say this one more time for those in the back who haven’t caught on: I don’t believe in open marriage. Dealing with one partner and trying to keep them happy while maintaining your own sanity is hard enough and you have people willingly adding more people to an obviously already messed up situation?

I’ve been told that marriage is antiquated and merely a contract you enter into with another person which should be evaluated every few years to see if it should be renewed. If that is the way you view marriage, why even bother affecting someone else’s life? Marriage is not some contract you enter into with contingencies with the option to renew or void if you’re not willing to put in the effort to make it last and work. Marriage is a union you enter into with the person you believe you can’t live without and want to build a family, life and future with and the only renewing which takes place are of the vows you once took to show your continued dedication to this person for eternity. If you believe marriage is a contract, isn’t dating other people a breach of sorts?

If you want to put someone in evaluation status, give them a promise ring while you continue to get to know them and give the real them the opportunity to surface, don’t join finances, business, , bank accounts, or have children and build a life with contingencies to date if you’re not happy with how they keep their side of the bathroom sink. Prior to getting married, there are so many conversations about life which should take place, there will be compromises made on each person’s behalf and, at that point, you decide if they are still “the one” for you. If you don’t want children, don’t marry someone who does and take care of what you need to ~ snip snip

~ ensure you aren’t out here knocking up people unnecessarily. There are compromises in any relationship but children being brought into this world is never one of them, that is messing up human beings for no reason because they can sense when they aren’t truly wanted.  If you are a goal driven person, marrying someone who is a free spirit with no life plan could be a recipe for divorce or success because compromises can be made if you’re both willing.

The excuses for not leaving an unhappy marriage are so ridiculous to me because that’s all they are: excuses. I’ve heard “We have too many financial ties, I’d lose too much if we divorced” or “We do what we want and it’s understood” or, the worst “We stay together for our children”. That last one is the worst because you are the role model for your children and this is the example of marriage you’re setting for them? Your children, whom you claim you’re staying in a miserable situation for, see and know mommy and daddy aren’t happy, I don’t care how big of front you try to put on in front of them, they know. When I was married, I struggled with the concept of divorce, felt as though I could do more but I was so miserable, there were times I didn’t want to go home, I didn’t share this with anyone until my cousin called me one day on my way home. I told her I wasn’t happy, no real details of the reasons, that I wanted a divorce but felt I was going against GOD because marriage is HIS ideal

and the words she spoke to me, eased my spirit: while marriage is HIS ideal, GOD never meant for you to live a life of misery. It is absolutely okay to say to yourself and your spouse, “This isn’t working and I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have, maybe we should go our separate ways before we end up hating each other”.  I totally get staying in a marriage, regardless of how miserable you are, because you don’t want to fail at something which is really a big deal but, at some point, you have to ask yourself what matters more, your sanity and happiness or keeping up appearances for others?

Marriage isn’t antiquated in the least and those who believe it is or it’s a type of contract you enter into with hopes of telling your spouse you’re not going to renew the ‘contract’ when shit gets tough. When I speak to certain people about marriage, they can’t believe I’m not bitter and actually look forward to doing it again and then I get hit with the infamous “People do this”, “People do that”, and “This is what people are doing nowadays” but I ain’t people, I don’t conform to the jankety idea of relationships in current times. I wear my grandmother’s wedding ring on a necklace around my neck every single day and touch it all day long because I admire and respect what it stands for: love, commitment, loyalty, genuine adoration, and longevity.

I agree that marriage isn’t for everyone, there are some people who realize this for themselves and live a relatively drama free lifestyle because they don’t make commitments to others and, if that’s what works for them, more power to them. Marriage is not something you enter into lightly or as a matter of convenience, if you can’t say the reason you married your spouse was out of love and adoration, don’t do it! Don’t toy with someone’s emotions who entered into that union with you for the right reasons but stays and is miserable because they don’t want to be alone or start over. The day you feel you need to see other people is the day you need to have a conversation with your spouse that the marriage isn’t working, let them go and find their happily ever after while you sow your oats. Here’s a concept, how about dating and having relationships with people until you find the one who makes your heart smile as no one has before?

If you wait for that person, you won’t even see other people as an option, you’ll be too focused on being with your partner and doing what it takes to make your lives as one happy. You miss the thrill of dating? Plan dates and vacations with your spouse on a regular basis don’t get new people to date. It’s no wonder there are so many damaged people walking this earth right now, they are settling for the mockery of marriage and relationships in hopes the one they love will ultimately choose to be with them and only them. If you’re not ready to put in the effort it takes to make a marriage work with the understanding everyday isn’t going to be rainbows and sunshine, stay single.

 

By now, I’m sure you are well aware that I am, not only, a ratchet reality tv junkie but also scroll thru social media like it’s my full time job. Yes, I shake my head at the amount of time I waste doing both but they somehow calm my mind because I don’t have to think when doing either. While scrolling thru social media, there’s a common subject going around as of late: Side Pieces/Cheating and I can’t relate to that which I don’t understand.

I’ve also been blessed to have many conversations with a scorned male and those are trying, exhausting as well as eye opening. As a woman, I know we love hard, give chance after chance to someone because we see them at their core and believe they’ll come around and see themselves as we do, and we all too often put their needs ahead of our own well-being. I would never tell anyone what would, should, could or not work for them because that’s their situation; I just speak on what I know for a fact won’t work for me.

 Let’s start with the side pieces, shall we? I’ve seen so many stories about a wife going after the husband’s mistress/side piece instead of dealing with him. Wait, when did the other woman become so much more acceptable but given such a dirty title? Back in the day, the other woman had the sophisticated title of “Mistress” and now she’s just a “Side Chick” but has gained more privileges. Society is so screwed up! Back in the day, the mobsters would have certain nights that they all partied with their mistresses and reserved nights where they brought their wives and treated them both like princesses, both women tolerated it because he was holding down the household and they never wanted for anything. Now?  It has become so blatantly disrespectful with these males being bold enough to bring their side chick on their honeymoon cruise or even having her at family gatherings where he is with his wife.

The other woman rarely has all her bills paid and living a life of luxury for being a secret sex kitten to this male. The side chick has become just as involved in the guy’s life as the wife is by hanging out with his friends and family members who are accepting of the infidelity their boy is committing. Again, I don’t give a rat’s ass what society has accepted, this is not cool with me, I do not accept extra people in my relationship or marriage! If you feel you need to be with someone else, leave me the hell alone and go do you by yourself, don’t take my heart, pride, emotions and respect with you.  

There are so many aspects of all of this that I just don’t understand; it makes me dizzy, like, why go after the other woman in a fit of rage? She didn’t make a vow with you in front of family, friends, and GOD, he did; this woman didn’t make a commitment to you, he did; this woman didn’t vow to be with you and you only til death do you part, he did; this woman doesn’t lay next to you in bed every night, sharing her body, hopes and dreams with you, he does. She may have no clue he’s even married and yet, here you are so afraid of being alone, you’re willing to risk jail time and a record by fighting, stalking and possibly killing another woman who shared your man.

Why is it that you rarely hear of a woman slicing her husband’s face or pistol whipping him when she finds out he hasn’t kept his lil dang-a-lang in his pants? Now, I don’t know what life is like once she confronts him but, unfortunately, nine times out of ten, the marriage remains intact, it may be a little rocky but she isn’t going anywhere but he also doesn’t keep it in his pants for only her, why would he? This male has stepped out, had an affair, gotten a woman beat up and insulted but his home is still relatively intact, he’s suffered no real consequences because his wife would rather have a piece of him than the entirety he promised her.

The reality of all of this is you have no idea what this male is telling the other woman about his marriage and that’s if he’s even admitting he’s married. When I got married, our rings were a symbol of our commitment to one another and if we ever took them off, it was a sign we didn’t want to be in the marriage anymore or someone had some serious making up to do.

Nowadays, a lot of males don’t even bother to wear a wedding ring with the lame ass excuse of “I don’t like jewelry” or “I’m allergic to gold/platinum/titanium on my hands” while sporting an expensive watch and necklace.

The bullshit they come up with is just as comical as it is lame. As a single woman, you’d be amazed how many supposed unhappily married men exist in this world who think you should be flattered to be his other woman. The most common story line I’ve  heard is, “I’m only with her for the children” but you also have, “We’ve been together for so long, it’s no point in divorce” or “It’s a financial thing, I’d lose more by divorcing her but we don’t even sleep in the same bed” and, my fave, “We don’t even have sex anymore”. 

I’m sorry, sir, I am not interested in spending all of the holidays alone while you drink, eat and be merry with both of your families nor am I interested in sitting around, waiting for you to come up with the perfect acceptable lie to be able to see me and being understanding of the fact you’re going to do the hoe stroll because there’s no way you’d ever be able to spend the night with me. Yes, they may take you away on a vacation they have lied to their wife about being a boy’s trip but you can’t post any pics of the 2 of you together or boast about this man who’s swept you away to an island on any form of social media because you have to stay in your lil dirty secret lane.

The biggest aspect I don’t understand about infidelity is being with your side piece and going home to your partner and kissing them with the same mouth you just had on the other person’s private parts and doing all kinds of nastiness with. How do you look your partner in the face as though you weren’t just choking someone else in a fit of passion? How do you differentiate between who likes what? My biggest question is HOW?! Being a divorcee’, obviously I’ve been married, when I was, it was about him and only him, other guys didn’t catch my eye because I was focused on pleasing the ONE I had at home. The fact that side pieces are running so ramped in society shows me that majority of the people walking this earth have no conscience and are all about self. If you truly loved, cherished and respected the person you are with, you’d never be able to even kiss another person in a passionate way which could lead to sex. But hey, this is merely my opinion and I’ve been told my mentality is antiquated because I still believe in the ideal of marriage. What can I say? I love LOVE and nothing will change that, not even heartbreak because it wasn’t love that broke my heart but someone who didn’t know how to love who did.

It is a sad and unfortunate time we live in where females strive to be the other woman more than they seek being a wife because they are receiving some of the wifey privileges and being able to continue to live their life, to an extent. You will have some men who tell their other woman to continue to do her but you have many more who believe they are to be faithful to someone who isn’t faithful to her or his wife.

There is no way you are able to build a life or future with someone else’s partner because when and if he ever decides to leave her, he’s not running to your door with an engagement ring promising to commit to you. There are women who have been the secret for decades, wasting their lives by pining for the day this man decides to leave his wife, hanging onto every promise of “When our youngest graduates from high school, I’m all yours” but when that child graduates, then it becomes “Once we sell the house, I’m all yours”, house gets sold and you’re still alone, cherishing every secret phone call he can sneak and make. This is a never ending cycle, if he wasn’t happy, he’d have left her and come for you correctly, in a manner which honors your worth. You may wreck the home but you’ll never get the man.

I will agree that the selection of available men out here is quite slim pickings but you are worth having someone who is all about you, not someone who is able to see you because they stated they’re working overtime, you deserve someone who doesn’t only think about how you make them feel in the bedroom, you deserve the dates in public where everyone can see the 2 of you together without having to worry if that’s his wife’s friend in the corner with a cell phone capturing your night out.  We all deserve to be able to scream from the mountain tops about the person who has our heart, not remain silent about loving the person who does a hoe stroll because they can’t spend the night away from the home they share with someone else.

It’s time we realized our worth and waited patiently for the one who respects and appreciates us for it. Don’t settle for a piece of a man, you deserve him in his entirety and if he can’t give you that, move on because the one for you and only you is out there.

My mother became a divorced single mother of 2 by the time I was 6 years old. During this time, I never actually knew how much she struggled to take care of my sister and me, she did whatever it took to make sure we always had a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, clean clothes on our backs, and every aspect of our educations were always taken care of even when it meant she had to go without. Did we always get everything we wanted? Hell no, but we always had what we needed and a child’s needs far outweigh their wants. Being a child, I wasn’t privy to the struggles and nastiness which transpired between my parents when it came to going to court in regards to supporting us and I wasn’t supposed to because I was a child.

Unfortunately, I’m coming to learn that everyone isn’t as tactful with their children and feel they should be brought in the middle of grown folx business and that’s never okay because that robs them of their innocence. Being an adult, I hear the horror stories of women who have to endure pure ugliness from their former lover all over needing support for the child/children they mutually created as well as men who are being financially abused by a spiteful female. The fact of the matter is, when money is involved, people tend to lose sight of what really matters: the child/children caught in the middle of their dispute. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, grab that glass of wine, that bottle of beer, or that straight liquor on the rocks because we’re going to talk about a very touchy subject, dun dun dun………………………………………. CHILD SUPPORT!

There seems to be a lot of animosity, bitterness, and hatred surrounding this subject when it should be more understanding and communicating than anything else. I hear the bitching, moaning, groaning and complaining from non-custodial parents who cry about having to share their salary with their exes to support their seeds and that right there is the problem.

They believe they are just giving the other parent money to sit at home and eat bon-bons/play video games all day while their seeds walk around dirty, uneducated and hungry but nothing could be further from the truth.

Let me state this before too many pannies get in a bunch: Yes, there are females out here who have used their wombs as a financial support system but that is not what grown women do. Grown women don’t selfishly bring a child into this world to get a paycheck and sit on her ass while the male worked like a slave without papers; she has a job/career and saw that positive pregnancy test as a blessing to her life, not her bank account.  Trust me on this, if a female just wanted you for your money, which most don’t have enough to impress a woman with a job making her own, she would stay with you thru all the abuse, ignorance and infidelity just to spend your money.

Let me also state this: there are quite a few grown ass men who want nothing more than to take care of their seeds but are constantly blocked by a bitter female because he didn’t want to be with her. Unfortunately, there is plenty of abuse of the system and humans on both sides of the coin but what most fail to realize is not everyone is that gold digger or that shiftless father, most just want what’s best for their offspring.

 When there is a 2 parent household, there is usually one parent, most times the woman but there are men who carry that role proudly as well, who handles everything child related. They know the feeding schedules, which child likes corn, when there is a field trip because they are the one signing paperwork and sending in the fees, what size clothes and shoes they wear, which child likes what color, whose toy is whose even when they’re identical, UGH the list goes on and on.

When the relationship goes to crap and one parent no longer lives under the same roof as the children, that parent seems to forget what it takes to provide for them on a daily basis. The more unfortunate reality is, most non-custodials have no idea what it takes to raise a child even when they’re under the same roof as the child/children. The older children get, the more expenses you will begin to incur which I am finding out by having 2 teenagers in high school. I remember when the girls were in daycare and I thought the money I was paying, which was equivalent to a mortgage payment, was crazy and high until I started receiving the steady flow of high school field trip forms, money for them to eat on said field trips, advance testing, senior dues, attire for extracurricular activities, gas taking them to and from events, etc., that list goes on and on forever as well. No matter how long the list may get, I will do whatever it takes for the betterment of my daughters because they didn’t ask to be here and shouldn’t have to suffer and go without because I saw some shoes, a purse or dress that I wanted instead. My babies mean more to me than anything materialistic which may catch my eye for a moment.

Where a lot of the misconceptions and disdain stems from is, simply put, bitterness. Now, one’s bitterness could stem from their former lover cheating on them or getting caught cheating one too many times while another’s could be from someone who no longer wanted to endure a type of abuse they suffered at their words or actions and another’s could be from the fact they just doesn’t want you anymore.

Whatever the case may be, the child/children have absolutely nothing to do with it and should not be made to suffer and go without because a relationship didn’t work. No child walking this earth asked to be here, it is our responsibilities as the adults who brought them forth to make their lives as pleasant as we possibly can. There should never be a time when a custodial parent who makes half as much as the non-custodial is shouldered with all the financial responsibilities of raising the child they brought into this world together.

As a society of adults, we have GOT to do better, our children deserve much better. In today’s society, they have way more to deal with than we did growing up. We never knew what it was like to endure and, GOD willing, survive some butt hurt child shooting up our class and killing our peers/friends/teachers. We had the struggles of trying to fit in with this clique or being accepted by this group of our peers but we weren’t bullied so hard that we would rather take our lives than to go to school.

I think we can all agree our children have enough on their plates with trying to get good grades and make it thru school to getting accepted into college to further their education and better themselves, they really don’t need us, their parents, adding our petty issues to their already too full and heavy plates. Is it truly necessary for a child to feel sad or stress themselves over what one parent is going to say about the other when it’s their weekend? Whether we realize it or accept it or not, there are times the child/children would rather not visit the childish parent but do so because they don’t want to hurt their feelings only to come home and just breakdown because it is all just too much. No child should ever carry the burdens of their parents’ failed relationship, it is not their weight to carry, it is ours as the adults and their parents to do our best to never let our children feel that weight.

We, as parents, should be building our children UP and making their lives easier and better than ours may have been, not adding things to their already tumultuous lives with issues that have not one dayum thing to do with them.

I’ve got a question for you: How is that butt hurt parent going to feel when they get the call their child was found hanging from a light fixture? Yes, we had to take it there with the real talk because it happens more than most of us want to admit; just because it’s not your child doesn’t mean it’s not an issue.

We need to grow up and open the lines of communication. HELLOO! We live in a technologically advanced society where we don’t even have to verbally speak with one another; we can send texts, emails, Facebook ® inbox messages, or hell, even leave a Facebook ® voice message! There is no excuse for there to be no type of communication between parents.

I will openly admit and own the fact that I acted irresponsibly and it ended up putting my child in the middle and causing emotional issues within her which is why I am so passionate about this. When you see your baby break down because she is too full of emotions, you do what it takes to rectify the situation. To avoid dealing with the other half of her beginning, I made her the go-between with us and that wasn’t her place or fair to her.

I have since learned and owned the error of my ways and had that conversation with my child that I would do better because she deserves me to be better. It’s time for us to all grow up and remember who this is all about from the beginning: our children. When we don’t get along and drag them thru our shit, we are dirtying their spirits and weighing them down which has the adverse effect on their grades, emotional and mental state, and outlook on life. In a nutshell: PARENT THE HELL UP, your children deserve it! 

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I would like to give a huge shout out to my sister, Felicia King, who collaborated with me on this post. Even though we are both single mothers, our experiences in the role have been very different but the commonality has and will always be our children and what’s best for them. We invite you to comment and share your feelings and/or experiences, you never know, it may help that one person understand more thoroughly.

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As I sit here doing what has become my new pastime of spinning my grandmother’s wedding ring on my necklace, it makes me realize how much simpler things were in those days. My Nana’s ring is not the biggest, fanciest diamond by a long shot but the size is not what makes it preciously priceless. What gives this ring its character is what it stood for with my grandparents: loyalty, commitment, respect, dedication,faithfulness, and genuine, unconditional love. I learned what courting was from my Nana, she told me how she and my Granddaddy courted for 11 years prior to saying “I Do” and they were married for another 60 years until he passed away; even after his death, he was all she spoke and thought of.

She stood by his side while he went to college and gained 2 degrees with one of them being a Master’s in education. He was her man and her everything just as she was his woman and world. She was his backbone and supported him thru 2 stints in college and his partner thru life. We live in a sad day and time when it’s easier to find a freckled unicorn than to find this type of dedication and devotion. We have become of the mindset of instant gratification and lack of desire to even put forth any effort to actually be with someone mentality. Ugh

In my last post, I said I wasn’t going to tell what ‘courting’ was because I was closed minded enough to think that everyone already knew what it consisted of; I just thought they just didn’t care to utilize it. I was fortunate to grow up around people who courted and were courted; it was common place in my existence. However, I learned from a coworker that everyone wasn’t as fortunate to witness or even learn what courting consists of, he was raised by a single mom who was of the mindset of I can do bad all by myself and never let anyone close enough to her to even attempt to court her, she shut herself off to any possibility.

Unfortunately, there are way too many people with this toxic, unhealthy mentality, they’d rather be alone and never experience love and happiness because they don’t want to get hurt or feel as though their time has been wasted. How will you ever know what may or may not happen if you don’t open your mind and heart to the possibility of what could be? If it doesn’t work, take the lesson, grow from it and move on with a healthier mindset, soul and heart.

Let me clear up a misconception really quick: courting and dating are not one in the same although you will date while courting someone, going on a date doesn’t equal courting. When you decide to court someone, there is a purpose and life goal behind it, you know this is the person you want to build and spend the rest of your life with, you focus solely on them and don’t entertain THOTs.

Courting someone is being present when you’re with them, making time for them, getting to know them at their core, asking questions to learn about their childhood which ultimately shaped the person sitting in front of you, communicating with them throughout the day regardless of how busy both of you may be, and sitting on the couch and being content with just bingeing corny movies. Courting does not consist of having your noses in your phones while you’re out to dinner, having sex with other people because you don’t want to seem too easy or eager to have sex with them, making time for your friends and partying instead of them, or entertaining other people. If the latter are things you want to do, go ahead but don’t tie that person to you when you’re not as serious or in the same place as them.

In this day and age of social media, online dating, communicating and even breaking up, it’s easier not to put forth the effort but I was always taught that anything worth having was worth working for. On any given day at any given hour, you can scroll thru your social media and see asses, boobs, and penis imprints in sweatpants, both genders are guilty of shedding their dignity for likes. Being one who’s never considered online dating and seen more episodes of Catfish ® than I care to admit, I don’t get the whole online dating saga currently sweeping society. Basically, all you have to do is have a good looking profile picture, don’t worry if you don’t have one of yourself, pick a random hot person and use their face since you just want attention based off shallowness; a witty write up about yourself, don’t worry about telling the truth, this situationship isn’t going to last long enough for them to find out you lied; and since you’re swiping left and right,you’ll have something to do on your nights out instead of actually interacting with other people.

At this point, people are only going out for a meal to get laid, there is no other effort put forth in getting to know someone because they think they know you from what you post on social media. I can understand how some might think they know others since there are those who put their whole life story on the internet but those who still have their dignity and self-respect don’t share any real shit about their lives. The reality is this, you can date 3-5 people at one time and have no connection whatsoever except sex or similar tastes in music or movies and that doesn’t make a partner, that is a friend with benefits or hanging buddy. If we are lucky, we will come across that one who makes us want to be a better human being and raise our standards so we can be everything they could ever want or need.

When you meet that one who takes your breath away, you’ll feel it in your soul, it will be unlike anything you’ve ever experienced and will probably make you want to put your guard up and run for the hills screaming since it’s so unfamiliar. But the way the universe works at connecting souls, that guard won’t come up, you’ll feel drawn to them and as though you’ve known them your entire life even though you just met them moments ago because the souls have known each other since they were created. Where this connection takes place may not always be deemed as the most ideal spot and that’s why they tend to be dismissed as such; people are ashamed to say they met the love of their life in a club or even the gas station but if that’s where your souls were supposed to cross to connect, embrace it.

I’m learning more and more that guys either don’t care or simply don’t know how to woo a woman because they’re used to dealing with biologically grown girls. A guy believes because he offers to buy you a spirited beverage or few that he’s bought your time for the night and I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you but that’s a form of prostitution because you’re exchanging goods for company. You could spend your entire paycheck on a female and not even receive her phone number in return and go home broke and alone while developing resentment towards all women based on that one individual who doesn’t represent the rest of us.

People have been so damaged by other human beings that they’d rather be cold and not try because they believe every person who they have interest in will hurt them again. Guys will complain there are no good women out here but that’s because they’re stuck on what they deem would be a good woman while drooling over some random, big/fake ass female twerking in videos on social media.

Trust me, fellas, you’re not going to find a grown ass woman who respects herself showing her body all over the internet to gain likes and attention. And ladies, I hear the complaints all the time that there are no good men out here, how about you stop calling the true men corny and making fun of them for being a gentleman? The guys in those groups showing their packages and offering to send videos of him playing with himself to whomever likes his status are not the ‘good guys’ you’re seeking.

Both genders need to do better and leave something to the imagination when it comes to our appearance and character, I can’t even put it on one or the other, both sides are equally as guilty. Ladies, let these men be men and woo you the proper way,don’t clown him for bringing you flowers or taking you on a picnic because you’re only damaging him for the next one who would’ve appreciated it. And guys,please stop making us average figured women feel as though if we don’t have a donkey ass while wearing next to nothing we aren’t worthy of your time and attention.  

There are good men and women out here willing to give you the world and you’d see them if you weren’t so busy blowing them off for not having the hottest sneakers or phattest ass in the room. There is someone for everyone but only one per person, get rid of the side pieces and stop giving someone outside of your Boo your time and attention.

If you know you’re not serious about building with someone, don’t waste their time, we’re too old for this childish high school mentality and way of treating others.  

Yes, I’ve spoken on dating/courting/wooing before but with continued experiences, I’m learning it’s actually getting worse. I have bitching and venting sessions with my girlfriend on occasion and then get into unnecessarily heated and frustrating conversations with a male friend of mine and still have no legit answers, my head is just spinning more. It wasn’t until I was perusing social media one day and came across a statement did I finally get the sad reality: Guys today are cut from the cloth of little effort. BAM! And there it is! Such a simple, yet profound, statement put everything into perspective; enough females are accepting this lackluster attempt that the guys believe all females will accept and go along with it. I’m sorry to break it to you but every female isn’t cut from that cloth of ‘a text here and there is good enough to get the pannies’.

Let’s start with the minimal effort texts in the morning. Some people feel as though that’s enough to show interest in another person even though there is no follow up conversation throughout the day and it definitely doesn’t flow over into the weekend. Why would I entertain someone who only thinks about me during the week while they’re sitting in traffic and sends me a text which takes 3 seconds? Are you not interested on the days we could actually go out and spend real time together? Oh, my bad, those texts were supposed to woo and warm me up during the week and make me want you that much more come Saturday, right? Oh, but wait, you don’t have time for me on the weekends, so, I’m just supposed to sit around and wait for you to hit me up Monday morning and make my week brighter. When I’ve been having this discussion with my friend, I’ve been told to be the mirror of what I want to receive and I agree with him 1000%, which is why I don’t entertain those low effort dudes. I am so sorry, really I’m not, that I don’t accept a mere 5 “Good Morning” texts as some sort of real effort. What happened to conversation once we’re both no longer at work? Hell, what happened to communicating and trying to spend time with me on the weekend? Can a sista get some conversation that isn’t of the sexual nature? I mean, you may be a’ight looking but that’s not what these pannies come off for and if you spent any time getting to know me, you’d realize it. You put forth so little effort by spending 3 seconds of your morning sending me a text and no more follow up and then want me to chase or be all over and begging to have sex with you?!

While I agree effort needs to be matched on both sides, I’m obviously cut of the ancient, forgone cloth of old school where the female doesn’t chase the male. If you are interested in actually being with me outside of the bedroom, you need to show me the interest is there by reaching out and communicating with me with something more than Good Morning. Oh, my bad, I see where the confusion seems to come into play, so, let me break it down a lil. Ahem, meager ‘Good Morning’ texts aren’t communicating and conversing, they’re merely speaking as you would to a stranger on the street. I speak to my coworkers every morning, Monday thru Friday and it’s never been taken as me wooing or showing interest in them, they merely say it back so and we go about our workday, why would a text stating the same be any different?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so much of a prude that I don’t get the fact that the most sought after end result is sex but what happens after that, is that when your interest is truly peaked and you want to get to know me? Was the cookie that good that you want to get to know the actual person now? I don’t know about you but in order to get to know ‘her’ on an intimate level, you must get to know me first. Maybe if we put forth as little effort in the bed by laying there like a dead fish as they put forth to get us there, they’d try harder. But then again, you have a lot of dudes whose sole purpose it was to get their lil dang-a-lang wet and bust a nut and accomplished it so, they go about their business as if they earned it.

Another area of the dating world where way too little effort is put forth is an actual date. Maybe I’m the anomaly because I’m not impressed enough to give you some coochie because you want to take me to Outback. Really? You thought that was going get my pannies wet and have me all over you? If that’s your plan, please miss me with that bullshit and let it stick to someone else because, at this stage in my life, I don’t have time for the nonsense. When you are dealing with a grown woman, money doesn’t impress her because she makes her own and can buy her own meals, try doing something she wouldn’t or couldn’t do for herself. Usually, I’d give some suggestions on things you could do to woo and impress a grown woman but too many don’t care to pay attention and actually do it so…………… And, sorry guys but sex also falls into the category of things I can do for myself instead of dealing with your nonsense, lies and inconsistencies. I just don’t understand why guys feel the need to lie to get laid and think it’s going to work?! I also don’t understand why they think that it’s okay to ask whose place we would be having sex at before the first date?! I would ask, “Where they do that at”? but everything I’m speaking of is from personal experience and they do it in 2018 and wherever they are breathing. Maybe you can help me out here on understanding who these bogus, low effort ass lines work on because I can see straight thru them! Unfortunately, the sad reality is they’ve worked on more than one person because the guys are repeating them with the confidence and intention of reaping the same result of an easy lay. And, trust me, when they realize they are going to have to put in some true, legit effort to get laid, it’s amazingly sad how quickly those texts trickle away to nothing at all.

Please don’t get me wrong, I know this is not just the guys’ fault because females have made it way, way, WAY too acceptable and easy for guys to continue to behave in this manner. Some females have had such horrible experiences that the simple ‘Good Morning’ text is enough to fulfill her day, she doesn’t care if she hears from him until the next morning, as long as he spoke. She feels it’s enough because he’s consistently doing it every morning and that’s what matters to her. I’m sorry, love, but that’s not true consistency because I know some people who have auto texts sent out at a specific time every day, he may have already forgotten he had it set up while you’re letting that smidgen of effort brighten your day.  Too many of us have been so damaged by others that we don’t believe we’re worthy of anything more and will still give all of ourselves to the brothas cut of the cloth of little effort and treat him like a king when he’s nothing more than the court jester.

Just because you don’t run across them every day doesn’t mean there aren’t still females who expect you to put forth some real effort in order to get our most precious gift because there are so many who don’t appreciate the gift between their legs and dole it out like Halloween candy and those are the ones you can send your lil raggedy Good Morning and nothing else to. If you want to experience what it’s like to deal with a grown ass woman, call her with some conversation, ask her how her day was, plan a date with her, don’t sit around sending “Good Morning” or even “WYD” texts to her and thinking she’s going to be impressed with it. You claim to be a grown ass man because you’re going to work every day and paying your bills as an adult should, why stop there? If you’re going to claim the title, you should live your life in the same manner by not tarnishing the crown with a lackluster “Good Morning” texts. Just as I should be a mirror, so should you.

 

 

I know when I’ve sat and chatted with someone and walk away feeling better that I was meant to be there, and that conversation was meant to be had at that particular time. This was my experience on Saturday when I was blessed to sit and talk with someone who is very enlightened about life and love. She shared things with me which clicked strongly within my own existence and I’d like to share some of those points with you now. The main thing we spoke about was planting seeds of the past in our present and future gardens. Believe me, at first, I didn’t get it because I thought I had let go of things from the past, but my thoughts are my seeds even if I believe I’m healed from the pain. We’ve all experienced and suffered from some level of trauma, trial or tribulation at some point in our lives, they could be from a job which wore down our spirit, a friendship which ended horribly due to betrayal, or a relationship which involved some sort of abuse.

Let’s start with the job aspect of this; you could have been in a position with a company where you were taken for granted, belittled, and felt as though you were being shit on at every turn, no matter how hard you worked and tried to prove yourself, they still felt within their right to ‘let you go’. That is a crushing experience because now you feel your best isn’t good enough and your confidence is shaken which makes it harder to get another job. You finally nail the interview for the ideal position and things are going great, you’re making more money than the last position, your co-workers love you, you’re able to demonstrate your strongest skill set, you feel you have job stability, and you’re even showing up early to work because you enjoy being there. What could be better, right? One day, you start to notice a lot more closed-door meetings and tension among the executive staff and your insecurity from the last job begins to kick in. You begin questioning if you’ve been doing your best work and was it good enough, are they talking about you, are they trying to figure out a way to let you know you’re no longer needed? What’s going on? You work yourself up into a tizzy about something that, in all reality, has absolutely nothing to do with you but you’ve begun planting those seeds. Your doubt has begun sprouting trees in your present from seeds of your past and your work is reflecting such. You aren’t as approachable because you’re in your own head, your work begins to suffer because you can’t focus and over analyze every detail, you start taking off more because you’ve begun looking for other employment as to not be caught off-guard like before. Your worry-wart seedling has now created a forest of doubt and despair and it’s recognized and felt by everyone around you and you actually do lose the job which was so perfect for you. One thing we don’t realize is that our thoughts create our reality, yes, it’s that simple.

While some of us are still besties with the child we met in kindergarten on our 3 day, there are those of us who have had friendships die in total shit storms of betrayal and anger. When you have a friend, someone you consider your bestie, you share everything with them because you, somehow, believe you’re going to always be friends, I mean, why wouldn’t you, right? Well, just like jobs and love, all things weren’t meant to last, only to teach you what you needed to grow, and it’s usually done thru pain and heartbreak. Yes, you can get a broken heart from a friend because you love them and when it’s over, you’re sad and hurt. Having been hurt by friends in the past, it causes me to put up my guard when new people enter my life because I believe they are going to hurt me as well. No matter how hard my intuition tries to keep that guard up against those who deserve it, my heart insists on seeing the good and moving forward with the friendship. During some friendships, there are no red flags but my mind still remembers the flags which littered previous friendships and I begin to withdraw. This becomes a problem because I withdraw from everything and everyone with no explanation and this has caused resentment within the other person and they begin sowing their seeds of the negativity of their past in our current friendship.Unbeknownst to each other, we’re building what we thought to be a protective barrier of trees around ourselves but all it’s done is keep out some genuine people but, like they always say, we couldn’t see the forest for the trees. As I’ve learned, not everyone is out to get you but not everyone is good for you either, the friendship portion is a sticky wicket because there are more damaged people who are willing to smile in your face and talk about you behind your back. This is an area where you have to rely on your gut and those who truly care about you opening your eyes to thing you’d never see on your own.

Now, onto everyone’s favorite part: romantic relationships! Unless you married the first person you ever dated, there’s been some form of heartbreak in your life and that’s okay because it’s made you better for your next, and maybe present, Boo. Love will make you stay and put up with way more drama, messiness, disrespect, and all-around shit than you normally would because you believe that’s what love is: patience and endurance.Remember that relationship which broke your spirit? The one where you were faithful, loyal, trusting and caring and they cheated? The one that damaged you more than any other, the one you never thought you’d recover from, the one which had you almost turn to same sex relationships as to not deal with the opposite sex ever again? Yeah, you know the one I’m talking about. You gave this person your all and everything, there was nothing you wouldn’t do for them, catered to their every whim and whimper, pampered and spoiled them, focused solely on them, restructured your life so they knew they were an absolute priority and how did they thank you? By going out and finding someone else less deserving of their love to leave you for. A betrayal such as this makes you either want to just crawl in a hole and hope you die as to not deal with the pain of feeling your own heart shattering in your chest or become some psychopath who slashes tires, busts windows, and risks felony charges just to try to make them hurt as much as you are. Now, neither of those are realistic ways to deal with heartache so, we drink wine, eat ice cream, watch sappy movies, and cry until our eyes are swollen shut from our tears. Slowly but surely you recover, you begin to see and feel the sun shining again with purpose to let you know you are alive and worthy of love, you know this because someone has entered your life worthy of your time, attention and love. 

Your bond and connection is felt by others and they can do nothing but smile when around the 2 of you, your happily ever after has arrived.Then comes the day when they don’t respond to your text message for 3 hours and, at first, you think nothing of it but it starts happening more and more frequently and your mind raises that red flag without proof. You don’t want to be blindsided again so, you start going thru their phone, popping up at their job just to make sure they actually went to work, call them for no reason when they say they’re with their friends hanging out, you officially become that crazy girlfriend no one wants to deal with and they break up with you. Dammit!! More seeds ruined your present once again.

What I’ve come to learn over the last few years is that the universe conspires to give you what you ask for. Yes, I know you didn’t ‘ask’ to be unemployed, betrayed or heartbroken but your thought pattern put it out there. When you thought about being fired, you were telling them that’s what you wanted. When your friend betrayed you, those wheels were put into motion either from your past actions (Karma catching up to you) or your thoughts from past experiences. Your Boo wasn’t cheating, they were just working extra shifts to be able to take you on vacation and weren’t always able to get to the phone, but your psycho mentality drove them away and left you lonely once again. Yes, it’s true, if we don’t learn from the past we are doomed and destined to repeat it. While I totally agree with this statement, I also believe that when you hold on to your negative experiences with a white knuckled grip, continuing to plant those dark seeds, you’re the reason you’re repeating growing trees tainted with your past, not those who come into your life to show and be a difference in your life. I’ll share with you how to plant beautiful flowers and greenery in your present and future:

 

“Baby, you just need to be a duck and just let the bullshit roll off your back like water. You take too much to heart and hold on to it with a white knuckled grip. Stop letting stuff that has nothing to do with you affect you” are the words my father always spoke to me which seem to be on a loop in my mind lately. As a parent myself, I now feel his pain in watching his baby girl take everything to heart and how it affected me. Unfortunately, for way too long, I was too stubborn and closed minded to fully understand what he was trying to teach me. I felt that if someone said something negative to or about me, I needed to address and clear it up because, duh, they were talking about me, right? I am sitting here shaking my head with a smile on my face because he was so wise and just trying to help his baby make it thru this life with peace instead of stress. I’m sure my determination to go against those words frustrated the absolute shit out of him but never did it stop him from calmly repeating it to me every time I let someone else’s words and ignorance affect me. I am a highly emotionally sensitive person and used to believe that everything required a reaction from me but have come to learn that’s not true nor is it necessary. Thru my maturing and growth, I’ve come to learn that how others act and what they may say about me speaks about their character, not mine. This has been difficult for me because I was raised to know and understand that your reputation is all you have and worried myself sick when someone would spread lies about me because I believed it tarnished the reputation I fought and struggled to keep clean. Well, I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I’m in the negative on  fucks to give about what anyone says about me because those who know me, know me and, more importantly, I know me. The time finally came to let that shit go.

How many times have you had a discussion with another person and, no matter what you say, they only hear what they want to hear and not actually what you’re saying? I recently had a conversation with someone I used to be close with and learned they were still butt hurt about a discussion we had well over a decade ago. I couldn’t believe I was defending something that I had let go of years ago and holds no merit in either of our lives anymore. It was at this moment, I saw a reflection of my former self and knew at that I had grown up. This person was stuck and this one conversation was continuing to affect their demeanor and they let it ruin otherwise positive aspects of their life. During the discussion, I began to feel sorry for them because they were carrying around this negativity but then I got pissed because they were trying to share that shit with me! Hmph, nah fam, I’m sorry but I don’t live there anymore and immediately returned it to sender. Being who I am, I tried to help them understand they needed to let it go, how it was no longer of importance and learned by their reaction that their letting it go wasn’t my responsibility. We are all responsible for the weight of negativity we carry, no one can lighten that burden and load but the one who carries it. There comes a point in your life when you have to make the conscious decision to avoid and let that shit go so you can live your best life.

Thru my spiritual growth, I’ve come to learn about energy and how everything we think, say and do is made up of it. Here’s a quick example I think everyone will be able to relate to: If you constantly state you’re broke, no matter what you try to do, you never seem to be able to catch a break or keep your head, financially, above water until you change your mindset. I’ve come to learn that what you speak and think is delivered and granted to you because, in a sense, you’ve asked for it, you told the universe and GOD what you wanted and they conspire to give you what you state you want. Yes, it seems so very simple because it is, you determine the direction in which your life progresses or, in some cases, regresses. I speak on dealing with your traumas, trials and tribulations in order to heal them because if you don’t, you’re carrying that negative energy around which is actually a magnet for more negativity. Believe it or not, the same is true about positivity, it’s also a magnet. We’ve all seen and ‘liked’ memes about being positive but how many of us are actually living it? Well, you can tell who does by the way they live their lives. We see people go thru things in life we believe should crush them but they still find a way to smile and bring joy to others and wonder how they do it. I know how they do it! They’re ducks!

I was speaking with someone recently whose words made so many points mentally click at once, I got dizzy. When you hold on to negativity, no matter how much you think you’re hiding it, those who know you at your core can feel it and will begin to distance themselves from you because they don’t want to deal with it. You could have your happily ever after staring you in your face but once they feel the negativity, they back off because they don’t have the space for drama and messiness in their lives anymore.Thru that conversation, I realized that, at one point, my life had begun to resemble a reality shit show and it was still off-putting to someone who means the world to me because I never truly let it go. I thought that just pushing it aside and distancing myself from the drama was enough but I still let the dumb shit get a reaction out of me and that’s not living drama free or letting it go. Finally deciding to actually let it go means anything said or done doesn’t affect my mood or person because it has nothing to do with me. It’s one thing to say you’re not about that life anymore but if you still give it energy, it’s still a part of you. Until you make the conscious effort to let go and rid yourself of the messiness, you’ll continue to push away those who just want to love you for the goodness within you but can’t because it’s shrouded by the shit you haven’t let go of. The love and life I want means more to me than holding on to and worrying myself with others’ actions and mindsets, therefore, just call me Elsa because I’ve let that shit go.

When negativity is brought to you, it’s easy to give into it because you take it personally and in that you feel alone which further causes destruction to your psyche. I recently experienced something which momentarily affected and shut me down until I saw and felt the support and love of those who care about me.  Here I was, all ready to get sucked right back into negativity but the love and support shown to me actually saved me from myself and reminded me that I’m better than what was being thrown at me.

It’s amazing and awe inspiring to me how those who came ready to stand by my side and fight for me have no idea how they saved me when they were just doing what came naturally to them. It was at that point I knew I had become a duck covered in oil and nothing would stick to me. Thru all of the support of people on standby to wreck some shit for lil ol’ me, one person’s words made me remember who the hell I am: she just needs to remain the classy chic she is. That shit isn’t worth her time, anger, or hurt.

I don’t know about you but I am ready to live my best life and have taken the steps to do so. I am 46 years old and, GOD willing, I still have a couple/few decades to experience nothing but the best life has to offer. I understand there will be dark days ahead but I can’t focus on or worry about that because it only takes away from my gift of today. Who I was and everything I have been thru has wonderfully made me who I am today. I will cherish and nurture the woman I am today because the girl of yesterday sacrificed herself for me to be here. Even though he’s no longer physically here, I know my daddy is always watching over me and proud of the duck I have become knowing I’m going to ride this wave of life with nothing but style and grace as the drama, messiness and negativity roll off my back.

Today, I went to check my mail for the first time in quite a few days and remembered why I don’t do it every day, seeing nothing but bills and junk mail is downright depressing.  Can a sista get a love letter or a card telling her how fabulous she is every now and again mixed in all that depression? As I’m sifting thru junk flyers I start wondering where is the ‘unsubscribe’ button on this adulting shit because working to pay bills is not what I signed up for, I was duped! I’m sure we’ve all felt this way at some point in our adult lives but there, honestly, is no way to stop it. While adulting can seem daunting at times, there are some awesome points to it if you progress and grow in life enough to appreciate it. There are many folx who are merely biologically grown and messing up the meaning hand over fist and they’re embarrassing. Please understand that just because you are in your 40s/50s, it doesn’t mean you’re grown if you’re still doing childish, high school shit.

I came across an article recently titled: 40 Things You Can No Longer Get Away With After 40 which triggered my thought process. I’m happy to say I ceased doing just about all of them before I was 40 and can merely shake my head at those who are 40+ continuing to do them as though it’s okay. One of the things they mentioned was getting blacked out drunk. Will there be times in your 40s+ when you want to have a good time? Sure there are but screaming and taking “Shots, Shots, Shots” at every opportunity when you can’t even handle one mixed drink is not a good look. By the time you’re of a certain age, you should know how to handle your liquor and if you don’t, slow down and learn because you’re just embarrassing and becoming an annoyance to those who have to take care of and make excuses for you and your behavior. I am proud to say that my daddy taught me how to drink properly at an early, almost legal, age and over the course of my life, I’ve learned what I can and cannot drink due to the effects of certain spirited beverages on my personality and actions. When we were in our 20s, getting shit faced was expected and tolerated but at 40+ a lot of us need to do better and act our age. Think about this, as a child, did you ever see your parent(s) get blacked out drunk and act a fool? Now, don’t get me wrong, I know some of you may have had a horrible drunk parent who caused damage to you and your family, I’m not referring to you, I’m referring to the average person who had parents who went to work every day and took care of standard business. Did my father drink? That’s like asking is the sky blue or grass green. Of course he drank but I never saw him drink to the point he was throwing up in unspeakable places at the most inopportune moments. My daddy thoroughly enjoyed his Hennessy® and Remy® but knew his limits which taught me how to learn my limits as to not be an embarrassment to him or my mother in their absence.

A couple of other things shared on this list were: oversharing on social media, taking and sharing an abundance of selfies, having a platonic roommate, staying in toxic relationships and pregnancy scares. Okay, I’m going to have to agree with all of those as well. First of all, in this day and age with the plethora of birth control out there, how is anyone just popping up pregnant at 42 years old? Oh, that’s right, we’re also in the era of Viagra® and sugar daddies so, I guess that one explained itself, huh? Wait, no it didn’t, how are you in your 40s with a sugar daddy/momma? What are they, like, 80? Boo, do better and get yourself someone who loves you for you and the 2 of you build and grow together, leave those old, saggy, grey pubes alone because they are not fulfilling anything in your life. Onto the social media aspect of being grown; it used to be when you scrolled thru your page and saw a heated post spilling all the dirty details of another person, you knew right then and there this person was young and didn’t know any better. Well, dammit, now we have biologically grown people airing all of their dirty laundry for the entire world to see, read, and share. My poor, disillusioned loves, when you do that? No one is reading it and trying to help you with your situation, they are only reading a reality shit show instead of flipping thru channels to find one on tv. The only reason you get likes is so they can continue to follow the messiness you are creating while they munch on their popcorn and tell other people to check it out. When you become an adult, the trials and tribulations of your private life are supposed to remain just that: PRIVATE and shared only verbally with those you can confide in and trust to keep it to themselves. Now, there will be those Loose Lip Lucys who can’t hold water and tell your business to others and you should learn from that point not to share with them either.

I’m guessing that due to this being a nationally published article written by someone who wasn’t of color; there was no mention of listening to and getting turnt up to mumble rap music, being messy and doing stalker shit after 40. There are things I’ve dealt with in my 40s that I didn’t even deal with in high school due to the immaturity of other females. I know we all like to sip and spill tea every now and then but when you’re divulging deep secrets of someone else just to be the center of attention, please know you’re being extremely messy. I’ve watched and love the movie Mean Girls® and used to think it was only stuff that happened in a movie about high school teenagers but I couldn’t have been more wrong.It’s amazing to me how many supposed grown people are trashing and tarnishing the reputation of other people for attention. It’s one thing to speak about someone but it’s another issue when you’re making up lies about them to make the story more interesting and turn others against this person. If you can’t hold a conversation with others about your own merits and drama, the best advice I have for you is to keep your mouth shut because it will surely come back to you in an unfavorable manner. When you speak ill and incorrectly about another person, you tend to fail to understand there are people who know that person’s character and will only view you as a jealous hater. Again, aren’t we too grown for this type of juvenile behavior?

To me, there is never a good age to do stalkerish shit to an ex after a break-up, if it didn’t work it just didn’t work out. Why is there a need to bust windows or slash tires? Or taunt their current Boo with knowledge that you had them at one time? What does any of this accomplish? Does it heal your broken heart? Do you really think that after you do that and they have to go thru the necessary expense of repairing the damage they’re going to say, “Hey Babe, I saw the errors of my ways and want to work things out with you. How about we get married”? Hell nah! You’ll be lucky if they don’t press charges on you and, at your age? You’re going to do some time behind bars and become someone’s bitch. When you’ve matured, you take the break-up as a lesson learned and move on, there’s no need to try to get that person fired since it’s not against the law to not want to be with you. Yes, Sweetie, you are fabulous and anyone would be lucky to have you but this one didn’t appreciate you and you’re better off, leave them alone before you have a record you can’t get expunged for doing dumb shit, ‘kay?

By the time you’re in your 40s+, you should understand that how you dress speaks volumes about how others perceive you. Now, while I’ve never, personally, been one to put it all on display when I go out, there is a time in our lives when we do. Don’t get me wrong, I had my addiction to spandex when I was younger but, if it’s possible, I did it tastefully. I didn’t do it tastefully enough for my father but unless I was cloaked in a burlap sack, I was showing too much. There are females I know of who feel they have to nearly expose a nipple when going out just to gain the attention of men and they couldn’t be more wrong. Well, they get attention but it’s only because the guys view them as an easy lay and make a bee line in an attempt to get their lil dang-a-langs wet and, after a few drinks, it becomes an easy task. This leads to the next point, a 40+ THOT is not a good look. When you enter a room, you should garner looks of awe and amazement not dudes talking and comparing notes on how easy it was to have sex with and never call you again. By 40, you shouldn’t be jumping from bed to bed, sleeping with this stranger, this eff buddy or some random you swiped right on. When you are of a certain age, the person you are intimate with should be someone you’re building towards something with. Yes, I know, some of you will roll your eyes at this part but you already know you’re too old to be a constant one night stand, you have way too much to offer and your goods should be earned and appreciated outside of beer goggle eyes. I mean, we all know that sex gets better after 40 but how will you ever know how intense it can truly be if you’re only getting it once from all these different people? At 40+ you’re too old to be a THOT and just look desperate.

In a nutshell, it’s time to grow up people, we are too old to compete with 20 something year olds. By this age, we should be educating them on how to carry themselves and not the other way around. Instead of hanging out in bars getting shit faced, how about hitting up a nice lounge and sipping on a nice glass of wine while listening to real music? While it may feel like it, paying a mortgage and a car note don’t make a person grown but furnishing your home and spending time entertaining in it do. So, ladies, put on that fitted dress that accentuates your curves and those hot ass shoes and gentlemen, put on that suit and cologne that make women swoon as you enter the room and get your grown folk on!

 

One thing we’ve all said at some point in our lives is, “I just want to be happy” and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. We all deserve to be happy, each and every one of us, no one is exempt from happiness. I mean, c’mon, that’s the goal, right? But, honestly, what does it mean to be happy? How many of us have ever truly experienced happiness? Sometimes we need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “When was the last time I was genuinely happy”? and, unfortunately, many won’t be able to recall that moment because they’ve either never experienced or it’s just been that long.  Many times, we will settle for being content and claim it as happiness. Trust me, we all know people who are married,in long term relationships or, hell, even single and miserable but will claim they’re happy because they drive a fancy car or have a big house. Your bank account may be fat but your soul is empty and that’s not being happy.

I will openly admit there have been times in my life when my happiness was staring me dead in the face but I refused to give in to it out of fear. Yes, I know that initially that sounds crazy, I mean, how can fear exist when happiness is at the threshold? I was afraid if I let go and actually let myself be happy that whatever it was which made me so over the moon happy would be taken away. I’ll use the example of my first boyfriend, I will not mention his name, y’all know I don’t do that, I met him when I was 13 years old. We started off as friends, he was the kindest, most respectful and genuine person I’d met in my short life and I fell deeply  in puppy love with him.You couldn’t tell me that we weren’t going to be together forever but life had other plans for us. When I turned 15, my family moved away and my relationship couldn’t withstand the whole 13 mile distance. Give me a break, I was only 15, no job, license or car, I surely wasn’t WALKING! I gave in to my chance at being happy and it was taken away from me so, from that moment on, I was extremely guarded when I felt happiness was near. In future relationships, to protect myself, I’d always look for a reason not to be with someone who was perfect for me and pair that with the fact I’m petty as hell? Yeah, you already know my reasons were uber stupid. I’d come up with reasons such as: “when we were at the mall, you didn’t compliment me when I held up that pink shirt 12 stores ago. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t appreciate how the color pink brings out the neutral flecks of gold in my eyes”! and break up with him! Laugh all you want but many of you reading this have done the exact same thing, you may have to go back a lil further to find the memory but keep looking and you’ll find your Petty Betty or Petty Murphy moment.

The reality is this, since most haven’t experienced genuine happiness, they don’t know what it is that will truly make them happy. When you’re broke, you think money will solve all of your problems and allow you to be happy but once you get the money you’re still miserable. Guess money wasn’t the road to your happiness. When you’re single, you think that once you’re in a relationship you’ll be happy. But alas, you get in a long term relationship just for the sake of being in one and constantly cut your eyes at him for leaving his dirty draws on the floor and dream of the day when you’re single and can sprawl out on your queen sized bed once again. You’re miserable because you settled for being in a relationship with anyone instead of someone. Trust me, there’s a huge difference between being anyone and someone to the person you care about. You watch all of these reality shows and see the shoes, fashion and purses these females carry and tell yourself, “If I had those shoes, I’d walk around happy as a pig in shit”! You scrimp and save and finally are able to drop $1,200 on those expensive heels but, while they may lift your ass, they don’t lift your spirit the way you thought they would. When you’re working at a miserable job, you tell yourself once you get that new career you’ll be happy. Well, you get that new position and, guess what? You’re still not happy. Shocking, I know, right? Happiness isn’t in a bank account, another person, a pair of shoes…………..wait, sorry, got distracted at the thought of some hot shoes…………Okay, I’m back! Your happiness isn’t in a job either, it’s in YOU!

I’ve been broke, broken, and in a less than soul satisfying job and that’s why I can speak on those things not being what brings me happiness. Does having a few more dollars in the bank relieve the stress of feeding and providing for your family? Of course it does but it doesn’t bring you happiness. Thru the financial struggles, many heartbreaks and doldrum jobs, I’ve come to learn I am responsible for my own happiness. I’ve taken the time to think about what will actually make me happy and come to realize I am quite a simple person. I can be just as happy or miserable living in an apartment as I can be in a big house or wearing $40 shoes as opposed to wearing $1,000 shoes. What makes my soul glow the brightest is when those I love and care about are happy. To hear my daughters laughing will instantly bring a smile to my face or seeing how my sister glows at the aspect of planning her wedding, well, it’s become a stressed face lately but she still glows with love. I know we’re not supposed to rely on another person for our happiness but I base mine on the level of those I hold dear. I happen to be one of those sappy people who will smile like the Cheshire Cat when I’m in the presence of the one who has my heart. Experiencing that type of happiness enables me to be able to see past their flaws and love them for who they are. When you’re always looking for an out, the good in them doesn’t outweigh the microscopic flaws, you’ll actually seek out those flaws just to avoid the mere possibility of true happiness because it’s new and scary.

The tears you cry while sitting in a Tesla^® roll down your cheeks the same as those shed while sitting in a Yugo^® .

If you can’t appreciate the small things in life, what makes you think you’ll have any appreciation for the bigger things? That’s why we struggle in certain areas of our lives, to enable us to be more appreciative when the big things happen. Example: you live in a studio apartment and resent it because it’s not a single family home, never appreciating the charm of your apartment. Apartment living life can be great! Think about the fact all you have to do is pick up the phone when something breaks and your landlord will fix it, or the fact you got it on your own, whether renting or buying, many can’t say they got it on their own. You’re so preoccupied with what it’s not you never appreciate the neighborhood charm that gives you the ability to experience all the mom and pop shops in your area filled with diversity paired with the fact you are able to rest your head on your pillow at night knowing there’s a roof over it and you’ve gone to bed with a full belly.

My fear was that if I gave into that happiness, something tragic would happen and it would all go away, crushing my spirit in the process. Too many times, we won’t give in to being happy out of fear it being snatched away or seeming weak. Many of us ‘claim’ we want to be happy, but how many of us actually let it happen? You’ve gone too long without it to not give it a chance. So, when that person whose presence brings a smile to your heart, soul, and face comes around, don’t push them away, embrace all they embody. If you’re living in an apartment, embrace the quirkiness that makes it yours and appreciate the roof over your head. You may not have your dream job but dammit, you’re employed, do you know how many people can’t say the same?

It’s time for us all to be happy so, stop sweating the small stuff and imperfections because we all have them but that’s what makes us unique.

You know, I’ve always heard guys complain that women don’t appreciate the ‘good guys’, they think they’re corny and use them for whatever they can. Let me correct myself, I haven’t only heard this, I’ve witnessed it. I’ve seen a guy be everything a woman complains she doesn’t have and when absolute perfection approaches her, she turns her nose up at the guy who encompasses every trait she could ever ask for, she nitpicks the smallest details and ends up not giving him a snowball’s chance in hell for a lame ass reason. Unfortunately, it doesn’t just happen to men, it happens to the best of women too. As of late, I’ve come to like a certain song because it speaks to my life, as I’m sure it speaks to many of yours. Okay, like might be too soft of a word if you ask my daughters because I listen to it on repeat, have learned all the words and it’s how I get my day, afternoon and evening started, the song in question is “Be Careful” by Cardi B. For those of you who may not be aware, it’s a ‘slow’ rap song which she speaks on being everything to and for a man who doesn’t appreciate her, showing his lack of appreciation by lying, cheating and not being consistent and continues that he needs to be careful with her and her heart. Yes, I know all the words and, even though there’s a lot of cussing, it’s most of our reality.

Have you ever found someone who captivated your heart, soul and spirit and you’d do any and everything to make sure they felt loved? It’s awesome, isn’t it?! Yes, you find this person with whom you’d lay down your life for, find yourself altering your schedule just to see them for 30 minutes, they make your heart smile with the smallest things such as remembering what kind of wine you like, and keep a permanent smile plastered on your normal RBF (Resting Bitch Face). You finally start to believe that this is The One, your knight in shining armor, your king, the one you will spend eternity with and do everything they ask but, alas, they start showing signs of being the average piece of shit you’ve dealt with before. Unfortunately, you can’t, sometimes refuse, to see it because you love them and believe you can love them past all those deep, dark transgressions they refuse to deal with to become the person you need. These are the times in which I can say love actually sucks because it’s become one-sided, you’re giving them everything and they’re merely taking it and only giving the enough in return to make sure you don’t leave. You find yourself going out of your way to make sure their birthday, mother’s/father’s day, Christmas, and any other holiday is perfect and they don’t even get you a card but you find yourself making excuses for what should be unacceptable behavior.

The reasons for not appreciating the perfect person varies from person to person but it doesn’t negate the fact another person got hurt by our lack of actions and appreciation. Sometimes you just aren’t ready for the perfect person at the time they come into your life but you don’t want to let them go because you feel you’ll get past your issues and be ready at some point so, you do the minimum to keep them around because, seriously, where are you going to find someone else like them, ever? Here’s a not-so-secret secret, you’re not! Sometimes, you keep them around because you don’t want to be alone and they’re a good listener and lay. Either way, it’s not fair to them because they have their heart involved and believe you’re being with and intimate with them because you want to feel connected and close to them when you’re actually just horny. You never take the time out to be selfless and understand they are sharing their body with you because that’s when they feel closest to you and believe you feel the same way. To say: 

is one of the biggest understatements ever because it’s actually cruel due to the damage it will cause them down the line, or hell, the moment you get off of them once you got yours.

Not too long ago, a friend of mine made a profound statement: You can’t save everyone. Unfortunately, as good people, we always try until we lose ourselves in saving them from themselves and their past. Ugh, it’s tragic and annoying because the nice one always gets hurt by the blind one who doesn’t appreciate our efforts. Everyone has a pain trigger, something that happened in their past which they never dealt with and when they see a semblance of that, they disappear. Here’s an example, if they were cheated on in the past and you don’t immediately reply to a text they sent you, they regress and get in their feelings because they believe you are bent over the sink getting banged out by some dude who smiled at you at the gas station.

They’re so stuck in their past experiences they don’t believe you when you tell them you merely went downstairs to get some ice cream and didn’t take your phone.The saddest part? They believe they are saving you from yourself! This may seem hilarious because you believe they are the ones who need saving from themselves and all their insecurities. No matter how many times you tell them that you’re not the person who hurt them, that’s all they see but still don’t want to lose you and you don’t want to lose them. Somehow? You end up apologizing to them! WHAT?! All of this because you just wanted to have a fat girl moment but you apologize because you want to keep the peace and don’t want to know what your life would be like without them. The truth is, most of us need saving from ourselves and our past. They are insecure due to being cheated on and you’re insecure because no one ever stayed and you have blamed yourself for it. Sometimes the saver does need to be saved by the person they believe they are saving.

Some of the best people have been turned into below average THOTs (Those Hoes Over There) due to being underappreciated by the one person they were vulnerable and shared their heart, spirit and soul with. No matter how many times I’ve been hurt by someone, I just can’t let it change who I am because what point does it serve? If you’re accused of being promiscuous, don’t be that person once you break up because then, no matter how faithful you were during your relationship, they’ll only see the person you’ve become and feel they’ve dodged a bullet and were right about you all along. You should never let someone else’s insecurities and opinions change who you are as a person no matter how much you love and value them, there’s a difference between constructive criticism and breaking you by putting you down to make themselves feel better.

The reality is we are all perfect for someone but unfortunately who we fall for doesn’t appreciate all we have to offer. I can’t and won’t tell anyone else when to stay and when to walk away, only you know when that time comes. We all need to take the time to appreciate those who have always been there for us, not treat them like bubblegum we stepped in on a hot summer day. I believe if we were to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes every once in a while, there’d be so much more appreciation and love in relationships. Relationships aren’t just about you and your past, they are about the other person who’s come into your life at the exact moment they were supposed to who sees all your flaws, insecurities, and transgressions and still wants to be with you. Stop shopping for bad boys and THOTs and give the person with a kind spirit, giving heart, who changes their schedule just to get a glimpse of you and want more than anything to be with you. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you actually gave the nice guy/gal the chance you both deserve? Even if it doesn’t work out, but how could it not, at least you’ll have experienced the pure, genuine, unconditional love you’ve sought for so long as well as give it to someone who’s deserving because they’ve been seeking the same. Don’t be the reason someone becomes dark and bitter towards their future due to suffering heartbreak from you.

Earlier this week, my daughters participated in National Walk Out Day, as I’m sure many, if not all, of your children did. For those who are unaware what this day means and stood for, I’ll enlighten you. Last month, on February 14^th, 17 students and faculty were gunned down in their high school in Florida by a former student who was butt hurt and obviously mentally off. On March 14^th, students and faculty around the world walked out of school at 10 am to pay their respects to those who lost their lives just a month prior. Some students went down to Washington, DC and peacefully protested on the lawn of the capitol building for stricter gun laws so this type of tragedy won’t happen again. I was and continue to be very proud and supportive of my daughters doing what they feel necessary to make sure their voices and presence are heard and felt, this is a sentiment shared by other parents as well. But, you know, when it’s a worldwide event, there will always be differing points of view and opinions. I know I’m not supposed to nay-say another’s opinion but I’m seriously disappointed in some folks who consider themselves grown but criticized our youth for standing up and doing something they as adults didn’t have the balls to do.

Let’s start with the bullying aspect because that’s one opinion I saw while scrolling thru social media. The opinion which stands out most to me is: These kids will walk out for gun control but those same kids won’t stand up to a bully. First of all, how many parents are aware their child is actually the one doing the bullying? There are many parents who have no idea the harm their child causes another child on a daily basis. A perfect example of this is from when my youngest was in 3^rd grade, I participated in their field day activities armed with knowledge of a little girl who tormented my child on a regular basis since the 1^st grade. During the activities, I struck up a conversation with another parent and pointed out how this certain child tormented mine. This man patiently listened as I detailed what transpired between the 2 girls and when I finished, he let me know the tormentor was his daughter. This man had no clue of what his daughter was capable of and he apologized to me and assured me it would no longer be an issue. That was 6 years ago and since that day, that little girl and my daughter have been friends.  Until your child is the victim of bullying, you’ve no idea how much the school system protects the bully over your child. I’ve had numerous experiences with my daughters being in situations where I want to wait outside to deal with someone else’s child but I can’t even get a meeting with the parents because the school isn’t allowed to get involved. Since some of you are so smart on how to handle bullying, please share with me how you make it stop when you can’t even have a meeting with the other parents to discuss what’s happening. 

There are many so-called parents who aren’t involved in their child’s day to day activities or even thoughts who want to tell another parent how to raise their child when they’re not even taking the time to raise their own. Throwing money, clothes, shoes, weaves, and video game systems at your child is not raising them. No one is the perfect parent, such thing doesn’t exist, we just do what we can to ensure our children don’t grow up to be the assholes who shoot up schools or torment others due to their own insecurities……….well, some of us do. When this tragedy took place, my daughters came to me and expressed their fears of now going to school because they didn’t want to die! They are 14 and 16 years old and are afraid some jerk is going to take out his aggression for one person on everyone he sees. In 2018, 6 year old children are doing ‘Shooter Drills’ which entails them hiding in closets and making walls of protection out of their desks!! Children should not have to worry about staying alive in order to get an education. How can they focus on their schoolwork if they’re jumpy and on edge at every sudden movement around them? No child should be more afraid of going to school than they are of going to the mall. There are many who will try to have empathy for the shooter because he’s been thru a lot in his 19 years on this earth but there are many more who’ve dealt with much worse who don’t pick up an assault weapon and kill people because of it. These same butt hurt and neglected children grow up to be psychotic adults who use their anger to control others any way they see fit.

During a recent conversation with my daughters, my oldest let me know I was doing something right and my heart melted because, as parents, we always wondering if we’re screwing them up. My oldest said, “You do what you can to make sure we’re good when we leave the house. Even on my worst mornings, you talk to me calmly and end with ‘Get it together, you don’t want your morning to ruin your day’. You don’t realize how much that helps me and I actually have better days because of you caring and taking the time to make sure I’m okay. Maybe if more parents were like you, there wouldn’t be so many angry people who hurt and kill others”.

Since my daughters were young, I’ve been called “Claire Huxtable” because of the way I interact with my children, I take it as a huge compliment and wear it like a badge of honor. When I was growing up, my mother didn’t talk to me about how I felt or what was going on in my life, she just assigned me chores and expected them done with no back talk, very cut and dry relationship. Because of this, when I have to discipline my girls, I say what I have to say, send them to their rooms to think about it and for cooler heads to prevail. I wait a few minutes and then head to their room so we can discuss what happened and what they felt was the main issue and you’d be surprised how differently they interpret conversations. Just because they are children doesn’t mean they don’t want and need to be heard by their parents. If you just spew words at your child and leave it there, you’re leaving so many questions unanswered and your child feels alone, unheard and as though their feelings don’t matter. Parenting is not a cut and dry situation, it’s a responsibility too many don’t take seriously. When you have a disagreement with your Boo or bestie, do you say your point and walk away with the expectation it’s done and over or do you talk it out? Why are your children not worthy of the same treatment?

In case you haven’t guessed it, I take this parenting thing seriously, I’m responsible for molding respectful and responsible humans who don’t take their shit out on others. Taking it seriously means taking the time to get to know and understand my children, letting them know they can come to me whenever something is wrong and when they don’t come to me, I go to them and ask them, “What’s going on? You seem off, let’s talk about it” because I pay attention to their demeanor. If we don’t take the time to listen to and be there for our children, they’ll keep it bottled up inside until they burst and that doesn’t end well for anyone. I pay attention to their actions and attitudes and when there’s more bickering than usual, they’re teenage girls, there’s always bickering in my house. But when it becomes too much, the three of us sit down and have a Come to Jesus meeting. We sit at the dining room table, no electronics are allowed because we have to focus, I have my glass of wine in hand because, well, it’s needed and I start the conversation with, “What’s going on? You have been snapping at your sister and walking around with an attitude, let’s talk”. It used to take a lot more conversation from me to pull it out of them but it’s gotten easier over the years. Usually, something happened at school which didn’t sit well with one of them and they carried it around while it festered and they took that hostility out on those in my house. Once the conversation starts, it usually gets heated, I take a few sips of wine, calm them down and remind them how to speak to one another, the conversation resumes and all issues are out in the open and dealt with. It’s amazing to me how I can feel the tension in the house dissolve once our ‘meeting’ is over and we’re laughing and joking with one another. Would I recommend this to other parents? Hell yeah! But, everyone parents differently and does what they feel is right for their children, this is what is right and works for me and mine.

On March 24^th, I will be taking my daughters down to the Mall to participate in the March For Life with thousands of other parents and children to speak out on the violence and march for stricter gun control laws. 

This past weekend marked the 1 year anniversary of the Women’s March in major cities of the US and was done so by more marches, rallies and gatherings of women in support of one another. Both years, women from all over the world rallied to embrace what it means to be a woman and how wonderful our gender truly is. 

 

It doesn’t matter if you’re 15 or 75, Black, White, Asian, Latina, etc., you’re supported by your entire gender, we’ve got your back. This year’s rally was just as empowering, there were speeches which touched my sou, especially the one by Halsey. Check it out:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpq8pHLhdV0

Her poem held so much pain, passion, and conviction detailing incidents which happened to her as well as her close friends and I could relate to some of the things which happened to them, that’s an unfortunate connection. In October 2017, we were introduced to the #MeToo movement. This movement was astonishing to say the very least and continues to gain momentum, veracity and, unfortunately, more members with each passing moment. #MeToo spread virally as a two word hashtag on social media to help demonstrate the widespread prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, both in the workplace and social life. This phrase is used to help survivors realize they are not alone. Once we began to speak our truth of things which had happened to us, it gave others courage to share their experiences as well which birthed a massive movement and slew of sexual harassment allegations in our world of entertainment. The sad part is, the allegations weren’t given media attention nor did they spawn a movement when it happened to Katie who worked in the copy area of Kinko’s. This has been happening for decades but it wasn’t until the rich and famous spoke out has something been done to bring attention to the severity of it.I can’t lie and say I don’t feel some kind of way about that but I’m also happy it’s finally being taken seriously and attention is being given to it.

For me, #MeToo were 2 of the hardest words I’ve ever typed in my life. It was hard for me because I had been made to feel shame for what happened to me or that it wasn’t that big of a deal, I was ‘just overreacting’. I was silenced about what happened to me because someone I trusted convinced to stay quiet to spare my offender’s reputation or having this same person believe my assailant over me because he told her his side first and said I’d call and lie on him. Being a private person, I hesitated because I didn’t want people to look at me differently but then I realized that if I didn’t come forward, others might not either, all it takes is that one familiar face to give you comfort and strength to speak your truth. In the era which I grew up, date rape was a relatively new term and wasn’t considered actual rape and definitely not taken seriously because you voluntarily went somewhere with this person whom you knew, it wasn’t some scary guy who jumped out from behind a bush with a ski mask on, wrestling you to the ground at gun or knife point and violating you. No, this is someone you’ve had conversations and shared with, someone whom you’ve actually gone out with before, a person none of their family or friends would believe was capable of forcing you to have sex with them all because that’s how they wanted the date to end. The people who try to silence you may not even realize how offensive they are being when they ask you not to say anything but it’s never okay to ask someone to remain silent when they’ve been violated, I don’t give a shit WHO the assailant is! If they have made you feel uncomfortable and violated you? Speak your truth, don’t let someone convince you that your dignity and self-respect is worth less than that piece of shit’s reputation because they will only go on to do it to others. Speaking up gives you the power to stop this with you. If this were not such a taboo subject to speak about, I’m sure we’d all learn a lot about our female family members and be saddened by how many are also able to say #MeToo. Unfortunately, I don’t believe the women in my family would allow themselves to be that vulnerable and will take that pain to their graves but not me, I’m here to help others with my truth and experiences.

Being a female working in male dominated corporate America, I’ve had my share of sexual harassment as well. Due to how I was handled when I did the right thing and reported it to human resources, I never spoke up again, I was silenced by their lack of discretion and confidentiality. The way they handled my allegations caused me to never be able to trust another human resources department wherever I worked. Unbeknownst to me, the director was buddies with my boss, everything I detailed in confidence was shared with my boss before I could make it back to my desk. Due to the lack of discretion shown by the HR director, it immediately became a miserable place to work, comments both directly and indirectly were verbalized about me such as, “Oh, don’t look at her, she’ll get you written up for sexual harassment” or “It’s okay to touch her if she’s having a good day but I touched her when she was PMS’ing” or “You don’t have to worry about me asking you for shit else, you’ve gotten me in enough trouble for something which was innocent”. 

 

All of this because I didn’t feel comfortable with this man walking behind my desk and massaging my shoulders and when I asked him to stop, he said, “That’s not what you were saying last night” and now I’m the bad person for speaking up. Funny how that works out isn’t it? The victim is now the overly sensitive tattle tale and made to feel as though they are wrong for speaking up.

Listening to the advice of someone who wasn’t forced to have sex, give head or be touched inappropriately is a sure way to feel worse about the situation because they are unable to empathize with you. They don’t know what it was like to repeatedly say NO and still have this person pawing at you, getting more and more aggressive with each attempt until you could no longer say No because he has penetrated you! This person doesn’t know what it’s like to have to in the car with the same person who didn’t even respect you enough to put a condom on and came inside of you, putting you at risk for STDs and a possible unwanted pregnancy! This person doesn’t know what it’s like to be dropped off in front of your house as though nothing out of the norm transpired, your assailant feels they’ve done nothing wrong while you are dying on the inside! This person doesn’t know what it’s like to feel worthless and only wanted for what’s between your legs and then disposed of when it’s taken against your will! This person doesn’t know what it’s like to feel as though you can’t scrub yourself clean enough to get that feeling off of you! They don’t know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep for so many nights you soon lose track! They don’t know what it’s like to feel you have to separate yourself from the activities which once brought you joy because you don’t feel worthy of happiness!! They don’t know the shame and guilt you carry around because you went on a date!! They don’t how dirty and damaged you feel! They don’t understand that just because you don’t have bruises on your body or face doesn’t mean you weren’t raped!! Unless you have been there, you will never understand any of this and how detrimental all of this is to a woman’s psyche, she feels as though she can trust no one from that point on, a wall is now built around her all because one person couldn’t control themselves and respect those 2 simple letters: NO.

There was a case within the last year or so where the judge condemned and questioned the victim of a rape by asking her questions such as “Why would you wear something like that out? You’re only asking for it” and “Why didn’t you just close your legs when he tried to enter you”? Never mind the fact this man had her pinned against a sink in a men’s room and entered her from behind while he had her arms clutched behind her back. This judge let the guy off because the girl had been wearing a skirt and drinking that evening and stated she wanted to get laid and could have easily prevented it if she truly wanted to. What kind of monkey shit is THAT?! In a court of law, the judge blames the rape victim for her rape and lets the guy off scott free?! I guess this is what happens when you elect someone into the most powerful position in the country who believes it’s okay to grab women by the pu**y because I understand everyone is not yet comfortable enough to type #MeToo. For some, it’s too fresh, deep, or personal to share with the world just yet but understand this, if you ever want to share what you’ve been thru, I’m here to listen and keep it to myself because I know how important and what a relief it is to just verbalize it. 

When you talk about it, you take away the hold it has on you and you’re able to have control of your life and begin to finally heal. This hasn’t been a caveman society for centuries now, it’s not okay to club someone over the head or slip a Molly in their drink to get what you want. Be a normal human being and have some patience and earn her most prized possession because if not, you’ll get to see how you look in prison orange and have yourself a new Boo named Bubba.

Okay, by now, we all know I have an addiction to ratchet reality television and, if you actually know me, social media as well. They both provide the opportunity for me to realize my life isn’t such a shit storm because people put any and everything out there just to get some sort of attention. Well, scrolling thru my timeline on Facebook^® the other day, I came across a post asking for advice on how to handle a situation: this *ahem* female had been married to a great guy who adored her for about 3 years and the husband was ready to start a family. This ‘woman’ always made up an excuse as to why it wasn’t the right time but in reality, ‘she’ couldn’t have children because ‘she’ wasn’t born a female and, therefore, doesn’t have the necessary equipment to create life. This leads to my question: Is omission lying?

Let’s start with something seemingly small, a job. You apply for a job which matches your skill set and pay expectations so you omit your arrest for getting drunk and dancing on the bar when you were 25. You don’t say anything because you were young and don’t think it will matter to your new boss and position. Ummm, have you not heard of the internet? Anyone can find out anything about you at any given time. Your potential new job will do a background check and find it. Now, due to you feeling as though it wasn’t worth mentioning, you’ve cost yourself a well-paying job. Had you just shared this with your employer, they may have just chalked it up to youth and welcomed you aboard but now they feel as though they can’t trust anything you say is true. They also look at you as though you can’t handle your liquor and will embarrass the company you represent whenever you go out.

Something more serious is your health and well-being. You’re seeing this person and you’ve moved into the phase of the relationship where it’s time to be intimate. In this day and age, we have to have the uncomfortable conversation of STDs but if you don’t ask the question, they’re not going to voluntarily tell you it burns when they pee. Or, for those who have one night stands, you’re so caught up in the ‘passion’ and hormones, things progress very quickly and there’s no time to ask something so personal. They are just concerned with getting laid, emptying their balls and going home to sleep like a baby, they’re not vested in you to feel they owe you enough consideration to give you the option as to whether or not you’re willing to put your sexual health at risk for a few moments of pleasure. Now, due to their omission, you’re sitting in your ob/gyn’s office because you found some bumps down there which weren’t there before that night.

Onto matters of the heart and relationships. You begin seeing someone, believe everything is going straight towards a committed and faithful relationship, therefore, you don’t ask questions because really have no reason to, they light up when they see you, you have a great time together, communicate on a daily basis, no red flags are raised. Take the initial scenario with the transgender and her husband, he had no reason to ask if she was born female but will now be destroyed when the truth is revealed. He wasn’t given the choice as to whether or not to move forward with the relationship armed with knowledge of her past. I’m still baffled as to how they, not only dated but are now married and this important fact was omitted. When you get serious with someone, you share your deepest, darkest secrets with them, they become your best friend, how does ‘I was born a boy’ never come up?! The omission of birth gender was a lie because she lived as a woman but wasn’t born as such. So much time and emotions have been invested and wasted, even more will be wasted getting over this deception. Hell, jail time may even come into play because he could kirk all the way out when she finally comes clean and choke her out because people snap without warning.

I don’t know about you but I was taught not to ask questions I wasn’t ready to hear the answer to but I don’t always abide by this because there are things I need to know, whether I’m ready to hear it or not. I compare it to ripping off a Band-Aid^® because you know it’s going to hurt but it needs to be done so you can move past the pain and begin to heal. Trust me when I tell you, no one wants to ask the person who has their heart if they are seeing or interested in someone else but when your gut is telling you something is amiss, you have to bite that bullet. Asking this question will definitely cause issues in your relationship because now your partner feels as though you don’t trust them or will even make you out to be the bad person and say you’re insecure. Truth be told, if you are feeling some sort of way and they care about you as much as they claim, they’ll put your fears to rest and step up to be more active as to not lose you. Another way it could cause issues is you’ll hear the awful truth of “Yes, I’ve been seeing them for the past 4 months”. At this point, you will literally feel yourself die on the inside, you’ll be so overcome with heartbreak your knees will get weak and it will feel as though you’ve gone deaf because you hear nothing after that statement.

Neglecting to tell your partner when there is an issue between the 2 of you is a form of omission as well. Your needs aren’t getting met and you begin to create scenarios in your own mind, again, not sharing with your partner but with someone else. If you want more sex or for the oral to be equal, meaning if I do you, you do me, tell them! Don’t keep this bottled up inside because that’s the perfect recipe for another person to come in the picture and become a problem. If you want your Boo to be more romantic, take the lead and show them what romance means by sending them flowers or cooking a meal just for the 2 of you. If you walk around coveting these things without opening your mouth until you just can’t take it anymore, it will come out of left field to them because they thought everything was okay between you.

Once you’ve decided to move forward and work towards a relationship with someone, you need to begin to let them in by sharing some of your deepest secrets with them. How are you going to repeatedly lay down and share your precious gift with someone you don’t feel you can ask about their personal life? If more people would open up, be vulnerable and share their past hurts and experiences with each other, there’d be more understanding of certain actions which will come up in a relationship. Maybe your Boo was sexually abused as a child and that’s why they’re uncomfortable with intimacy. If this little tidbit were shared, you wouldn’t sit there and wonder why they’re not attracted to you or why they don’t initiate sex. Your Boo could’ve had a father who wasn’t present and left at a crucial point in their life and now this person clings to every male they meet seeking that ‘daddy love’ or their last partner could’ve cheated on them repeatedly which will breed trust issues with everyone who comes after. Hell, both genders are guilty of omitting past sexual partners to keep their numbers low. Please, someone, anyone, explain this to me. If they mattered enough to have sex with, when did they cease to matter as a notch on your belt? Do you believe it’s never going to come up again after the initial question? Let me know how that works out for you.

The reality is omitting something doesn’t make it better, actually makes it worse because that omission will come to light and people will be hurt, crushed and possibly destroyed. My personal belief is people omit certain things because they don’t believe they’ll ever be found out but we all know what’s done in darkness always comes to light. If you have nothing to hide, why not share it? Are you afraid it’s going to cost you a job or relationship? Honestly, depending on what you’re sharing, it could make your relationship stronger, however, having a side piece or feelings for someone else will definitely end it though. If you are not willing to share any and everything, don’t claim you’re an honest person because not telling me something is lying and dishonest. I know it’s hard to have ‘those’ conversations but having them shows the other person you respect them enough to tell the full truth.

As a grown person, there’s no need to omit anything you’ve done, when you do so, you’re only lying to yourself. None of us has lived a life of perfection and greatly thought out ideas, shit has happened, hit the fan and gone sideways, own it and get on with your life. When someone learns you’ve omitted something, they feel as though they can’t trust you because if you didn’t share something so insignificant as your true dress size, what else are you hiding? Don’t wait until you are asked a question about something serious before speaking on it, would you want someone to do that to you? I didn’t think so…………..

 

As I sit here on Christmas morning, awake since around 5 am, I have had plenty of time to reflect on the true meaning of this ‘holiday’. To say this past year has totally humbled me would be an absolute understatement. In my humbling, I’ve come to see people for who and how they truly are, the blinders and rose colored glasses were snatched off my face with quite a bit of aggression because I refused to remove them myself. The one, well two, bright spots in my life are still sleeping and they are truly my reason for living.

Every year, people rush around, being rude and aggressive, going into debt to find the perfect, most expensive gift they can for those they love because they believe that’s how they show how much they care. Ummmm, no. I’ve never been the type to buy just to buy for another person, I always bought to bring a smile to their face with them receiving what they truly desired. Now, it hasn’t always been very expensive due to the fact I’m very fragile, I don’t buy anything that isn’t on sale, it feels wrong to pay full price somehow. What’s always mattered to me has been seeing them open gifts and their eyes light up over a funny t-shirt of their favorite Barbie® doll or even a 5-pack of cheesy lip balm. When it comes to people outside of my children, I buy the same way, to touch their spirit and that’s something you can’t put a price tag on.

I will openly own and admit this has been a tough year for me but what has made it easier are those 2 angels who call me Mommie. I am beyond blessed that, no matter any outside influences, I don’t have materialistic, label demanding children who are happier with a $5 Barbie® doll than the $25 one in fancier packaging. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve never bought them off-brand Barbie® because those are extremely cheaply made with the hollow arms and unbendable legs but they do have less expensive ones out there that won’t hit your pocket so hard. I’ve learned, thru watching my daughters, buying them any and everything they want doesn’t make them want to be around you any more than if you bought them nothing. My children know and understand who people truly are and, even if they don’t care for you, they’ll never be disrespectful or even let you know they don’t care for you, only I am privy to that information. Now, don’t get me wrong, one of them will always go to the store with certain people because they know they’ll get whatever they want and the other will stay at home on her computer and not ask for anything. The one who rushes to tag along does so, not just to get candy and snacks but, to get out of the house and not necessarily because you’re a such fandamntastic person.

When I had to have the very hard conversation with my girls that this Christmas would be very light, they touched my heart and spirit so much it brought tears to my eyes because they said, “That’s okay, Mommie, we didn’t even ask you for anything. We just want to wake up with you on Christmas”. Again, I ask, what did I do so great in my life to be blessed with these 2 angels? This parenting and adulting shit is HARD but when you have daughters such as mine, it becomes a little easier to wake up and strive to do and be better for them because they truly deserve nothing but the best.

Being a single parent and having to share holidays with the other half of their beginning is hard. I remember and cherish the days when we’d all wake up in the same house, open gifts, cook breakfast and then get dressed to hit the houses of loved ones but that’s no longer our lives. I embrace the change because it has revealed what really matters most and that’s quality time spent. It’s not about the pile of overpriced gifts under the tree which will soon enough be physically lost or have lost their appeal within a few months, those material items aren’t what matters as your children get older.

This is only one day, one frickin’ day of the year, and shouldn’t be the only time you show your loved ones you care because you’re supposed to be doing it the other 364 as well. If you haven’t been embracing your loved ones all year long, why start now? If you stay focused on this one day, what happens on the 26^th? Do you just go back to doing you and relieved you have another 364 days to do for yourself? Some of us look forward to the holidays because we live states away and can’t wait for the reunions with our family but why does it have to be centered on a commercialized ‘holiday’? Why not take time off work in March or August just to hang out with them? When you wait a year, much has happened in both of your lives and some of our loved ones may not be here to celebrate a certain holiday the next year. Take it from someone who’s lost half of their beginning, every day is a special day with the ones you love. It doesn’t matter if you’re just sitting on the couch watching football or some crime show, that’s quality time spent with your loved one you’ll never get back. Yes, with my sister now living states away from me, I understand travel can be expensive but trust and believe me when I tell you, it costs less when it’s just an ‘average’ time of year to travel.

If you have the money to spend on some expensive sneakers or the latest game system, do it but only if it’s what they truly desire and will make their soul smile. Don’t lavish your loved ones with expensive gifts if you haven’t taken the time to sit down and get to know them on a deep and personal level the rest of the year. When our children are all grown up with careers and children of their own, the things which will stay in their minds and hearts are the memories of Christmas Eve rituals of baking cookies and getting new jammies. They won’t remember how you went into debt to get them the flyest gear and game systems if the simple things weren’t done. I don’t know about you but I want my children to carry forth the simple, and some might call corny, things I enjoy doing with them such as playing board games while eating pizza or baking cookies the night before or decorating the trees as a family. When my father passed, I lost my Christmas spirit and it was hard for me to put up a tree but it means so much to my girls that they took over and put our trees up for me as a surprise and to make things easier on and for me. When I couldn’t, they picked up the Christmas spirit and helped me continue our traditions because it was what they looked forward to. These are the traditions they will carry on with their children because I’ve carried the forward with mine from my parents. I say it all the time and will continue to say it, “It’s the little things which matter most”.

I’ve been blessed to have angels placed in my life and give birth to two. One of my angels happens to be my best friend. Regardless of the trials and tribulations we’ve experienced, she’s always been there for me, even if we’re beefing she checks on me and the girls. She, too, is a single mom and has opened her home for those of us without family members, who are close, on Christmas day to have spirited beverages, more food than we can eat, and fellowship with others. This is why she is my best friend: no matter how much I may want to sit in my house and wallow in sorrow that I don’t have my girls for the remainder of the day, she’s told me I’ll be there even if she has to come and get me herself. She loves genuinely from her heart of gold and I’m blessed to have such a kind, loving, blunt person in my life who won’t let me feel lonely on Christmas.

Well, my girls have each already half waken up, come to give me my Christmas hug and gone back to bed. I guess it’s time for me to brew some coffee, get breakfast prepped and gather some porn clips to share with those who are going to insists on including me on a group text at some point today. Y’all have a Merry Christmas, kiss those babies, continue those traditions and know each and every day is a reason to celebrate life, love, family, and happiness with the understanding that none of those come with a price tag because they are priceless and irreplaceable.  

One thing which I have come to learn over time, and even more so recently, is how crucial self-acceptance and preservation truly are to one’s overall functioning and being. Yeah, I get it, shit happens in life and it tends to knock us off track and lose focus of who we truly are. When things happen in our lives which take us off track, we tend to do 1 of 2 things: confide in/seek advice from others or try to figure it out on our own. Surprisingly, both of those have adverse effects on the outcome of our personal situations no matter how good of a friend/confidante we confide in or how thorough we believe our own logic may be.

When life happens, i.e. lose a job, relationship ends, family issues, etc., it tends to take a tremendous toll on our soul and psyche. For most of us, the first thing we do is turn to someone for words of comfort and advice, fully believing this person has our best interests at heart. Sadly to say, not every ear is a listening ear for comfort, some of those ears are only open to sway you in the direction they want you to go. Here’s an example for you: you and your Boo are having difficulties in your relationship and you go to your best friend with those issues because they’ve been there from the very beginning and are understanding of your wants and needs. This friend may actually be a true friend but they’ve heard all the good things happening, seeing you find love and being successful in your career while they’re stuck in a relationship with someone they don’t even like and a dead end job with no future prospects of anything better. When you go to them with your troubles, they see it as the perfect opportunity to advise you to not be the bigger person, they may even bad mouth your Boo and have you believing they actually aren’t any good for you. We’ve all heard the term Misery Loves Company and this is a perfect example of it. Unfortunately, you won’t realize how they’ve swayed you until it’s too late and you’ve ended your relationship. I was speaking to a friend today and she stated that some people don’t even know their thoughts aren’t their own until those influences are no longer present. The influence is different for each person, for you? It could be your mother/father, for another person it could be their best friend. Please don’t get me wrong, more times than not, they don’t even know they are causing harm, they believe they’re advising you in the direction which is best for you but it’s not, it’s what they feel is best, period.

For those of us who believe we are the end all be all for our issues, this can mess you up as well because you have no other perspective than your own. The problem with trying to solve everything on your own is you create ridiculous scenarios within your own mind which can negatively affect the outcome. Here’s a scenario to help give you clarity on where I’m going with this: you hear something about your Boo but instead of taking it to them to have a discussion, you sit and stew, creating different scenarios within your mind and, by the time you take it to them, you’re already pissed and convinced they did things which never actually occurred.I know, the first thing you’re saying is this is a juvenile way to handle grown up relationships but it doesn’t stop it from happening. Too many times, we’re too full of pride to actually open our mouths and admit there may be a problem so, we stew and create. When you have no outside input, you have no one to believe but yourself and tend to convince yourself that imaginary situations are facts no matter how much proof is provided to dispute it. Again, another relationship up in flames and down the toilet but this time it’s because you thought you knew everything and refused to accept anything other than what’s in your mind.

There was a time when some information regarding a criminal act was shared with me and I just had to tell someone, this was not something I could just sit on because lives were involved. Me, being young and scared, went straight to my daddy because that’s all I saw him as, my father/protector/confidante, I negated the fact he was also an officer of the law and had a duty to uphold and respect. When I told him what happened, I became involved in the crime as a witness. When I shared this with my mother, she was angry at me and my father because I instantly became a target but I couldn’t get mad at him because he was only doing his job and I knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to me, he was still my protector. My mother asked me why I didn’t tell my grandfather and I was confused until she broke it down: telling my grandfather would have relieved me of holding this secret with the surety it wouldn’t go any further than him. Again, I was young, scared and didn’t know any better. The fact that I’m still here and sharing this information with you is proof I’m okay but it’s not to say my life wasn’t altered for a few years. I say all this to say that my instinct and knee jerk reaction was to go to the person closest to me, the one I believed would hold my secret with understanding but I didn’t take the time to factor in his responsibility.

There will be times when it feels like life is dragging you thru the depths of hell without relentlessness and you need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to vent to. In those times, we don’t always take the time to think about their motives when we share our internal shit with them, never realizing they’re going to use that information to their advantage and not ours. Sometimes, the person who is able to hold your secret and give you unbiased advice or words of encouragement are the people who are least close to you. You know that ‘associate’ you see at networking functions or that co-worker you chit chat with every now and then? Those tend to be the ones you can count on because they are not personally invested in your life or the outcome of your relationship, they’ve nothing to gain or lose with by honest on how they see things from the outside looking in.

I’m not saying any of this to sway you one way or another on who to talk to, ultimately, that’s your choice in life. I say this in a cautionary fashion to help you understand everyone is not for your happiness, they’re selfishly for themselves and that no one can successfully solve every issue by themselves. I’m saying all of this because I’ve experienced it from all sides and been screwed sometimes and successful others. I’ve also learned that trying to figure out situations which involve others by myself never work because it doesn’t just concern me and I’m no longer that selfish. There have been times I know I’ve possibly irritated people because I want to talk about what’s on my mind regarding our relationship but how would anything get solved if I held my feelings in? Exactly, it wouldn’t.

Take the time to know who you’re talking to about your personal affairs, just because you have their best interest at heart doesn’t mean they have yours. When I was going thru a break up, I was advised to talk to GOD about everything and, I’ll admit, I felt better but that doesn’t work for everyone. I’m not one to sit here and Bible beat anyone, your relationship with GOD or your GOD is just that, yours and you handle it accordingly. One way that I’ve come to learn and appreciate releasing my thoughts and gaining clarity is to write because thru writing, you’re able to get out and see your emotions and the situations from a different perspective. I’ve actually sat down to pen a letter to someone and, in the beginning, it was filled with anger and pisstivity but by the time I got to the 2^nd page, I began owning my part in the problem. There are so many letters I have written to others who’ve never seen or even know they exist, it was something I had to do for myself. Whichever route you decide to take, my hope for you is that it brings a peace to your soul and life.

The other day, a friend of mine did a Facebook Live^® video which resonated with me on so many levels. She spoke of how you never know what someone is going thru whether they have a smile on their face or not. She touched on how many of us don’t know the daily struggles of someone who always seems so upbeat and positive may be facing in their personal life. This spoke directly to me in the aspect of depression and how many struggle with it each and every day, yet it goes undetected and unrecognized by even those closest to them. Although this is a time of family celebration and giving thanks, I would like to touch on some of the unrecognized symptoms of depression since we will be spending more time with family so you are more easily able to recognize it and help them. The holidays tend to heighten depression because there are so many who are missing family members who have passed on or just don’t have family to be with on the biggest family holiday of the year.

Unbeknownst to many, depressed people tend to be highly intelligent and creative which masks their pain and suffering. Someone suffering with depression understands substances differently than those not suffering. They know how to monitor what they put in their body, that alcohol is a depressant and drinking it over an extended period of time can create a mental state of low which they are less equipped to handle than the average person. They also know caffeine and sugar are uppers for moods, what medications do what and what doesn’t mix well. They know all this because altering their state of mind in any way is much more of a responsibility than it may be for other people. So, when Cousin Susan doesn’t want a spirited beverage this holiday, don’t force or question her, she knows she can’t handle the deep level of depression which will follow shortly thereafter.  As far as their unique creativity, some of the most inspired and life-changing artists, musicians, comedians and leaders of this world were plagued with mental illness. Using the word ‘plagued’ is somewhat contradictory because having a serious depth of emotions can also lead to profound greatness. Think about the beloved Robin Williams, wonderful and caring soul who did whatever to make others laugh and bring joy to millions all while suffering with depression to the point he took his own life. Think about clowns, they paint a smile on their face and make others laugh because they know what it’s like not to laugh or feel joy, they don’t want others suffering as they do. Musicians share their pain thru their words to reach others, it’s their outlet of sorts.

Those suffering tend to be pros at ‘cover-up’ stories. These stories can be for anything from cuts or bruises on their arms and legs to the reason they skipped dinner or going out with you. Those who live with different forms of depression experience hardships which, at times, can impede the normalcy of their daily lives. Here’s where their creativity comes into play because they know what to say to avoid attention from others as to not display their pain. We don’t want anyone to recognize we are hitting a low point and know how to hide it. When you’re used to having your best friend at your side at every social event and then she starts to decline the offer for Happy Hour, take notice because she could be slipping into a low point. When one is depressed, they make every effort to appear ‘okay’ because they don’t want to bring anyone else down with their troubles and sorrows, even if it means hiding how they are truly feeling. We learn how to alter our moods and sometimes seem to be the happiest people you would ever meet and know. Often times, those with depression try to stick with the positive and public parts of their demeanor and persona regardless of what they’re going thru on the inside.

Depression creates a suffocating lack of control which is why those suffering either sleep too much or too little, the same goes for eating. We all know someone who suffers from insomnia from time to time, this could be a sign of depression. Or how about the person who is either always eating and packing on the pounds or the one who eats like a bird? Sleeping and eating tend to be things we feel we can control and can be the only escape from the darkness. This is not to say everyone who suffers from insomnia or over/undereating is depressed, it’s merely to help you recognize the signs in those you love when those patterns change.

Everyone seeks love and acceptance from others, each and every person, no matter your social status, upbringing or background, we all desire to be loved and accepted. However, those dealing with depression tend to shield the world from their own personal demons but this is not done for the sake of dishonesty, it’s more for the protection of their heart, those around them, and the success of their dreams. When you do all you can to be accepted and loved by another and they shit on your efforts, you feel unworthy and it can cause a spiral effect straight to a low point. Today’s society has turned into an all about self society, no one takes the time or effort to let one down easy or even communicate their true feelings so the other person doesn’t feel alone in their feelings.

Depression isn’t just about feeling sad and crying all the time, it is so much deeper, sometimes subtle, than that. Being depressed means not showering for three days straight; knowing you have dishes to clean, exams to study for, people to talk to and interact with but not actually doing it; having no motivation to do anything ever; hating every single part of yourself; no concentration whatsoever; recurring thoughts of wanting to disappear; a once impeccable memory is now shit, you can’t remember the simplest of things; agitation; self-blame; anxiety; guilt; withdrawal from others; feelings of helplessness; this list goes on and on because it’s not as simple as shedding a few tears.

During this time of family love and celebration, take a moment to recognize and realize that, although they have a smile on their face, your friend/loved one/family member could be suffering from some form of depression alone because they don’t want to feel like a burden to you or anyone else. Sometimes all it takes is a listening ear without judgement or opinion to bring them out of their lows. Just be present.

Just 30 minutes ago, you were heading to your Boo’s house to get laid and were excited about your time together, things felt great! During your extremely brief session, his quick and abrupt finish is an indication something is way off! The usual 45 minutes session of sweating, moaning, climaxing and back scratching lasted all of 3 minutes and there was no round 2! Hold up, this can’t be the same person who shared their inner most feelings with you, gave you free reign when you’re at their house, cuddle and snuggled with you once you finished having sex, this just can’t be the same person. You sit there wondering what has changed and then begin to internalize the whole scenario and then ask, “Are you serious? You’re done”?! You may have a lil more bass in your voice than even you anticipated and ready to throw some little blue pills his way but, come on, you’re highly disappointed and who wouldn’t be? You had high hopes of getting multiple orgasms, that’s why you called them and you wasted time, energy and gas to get that lame, weak ass dang-a-lang, he’s got some ‘splaining to do! His ego is probably already bruised from his lackluster performance and now he’s angry that you’re pointing it out. You went from being excited about getting laid to now arguing, being angry with one another and you’re standing outside waiting for your ride. How did you get here??

It’s amazing to me how someone you never knew could become the love of your life for a period of time and then BOOM, they’re a stranger to you once again because you no longer speak. This doesn’t just relate to romantic relationships, we’ve all had best friends we no longer speak to or even family members who grew up with you like siblings and you no longer have that bond or connection and may see them at holiday time. How do you go from sharing your life with someone to hating them within a matter of seconds? Well, I’m no expert but the first thing that comes to mind is total lack of communication. There are so many who don’t actually know how to communicate their feelings effectively, they let their emotions control their words and usually the emotion doing the talking is………………….…………………..you’ve got it: ANGER. My experience has been words spoken in anger never do anyone any good, they never solve the issue at hand, only add to the pain you’re causing one another. When you don’t communicate from a calm place, you push each other’s buttons trying to hurt them more than they can hurt you. I can’t express in words how totally unhealthy this is to you both. This is someone you claim to care about but now you’re speaking to them worse than someone on the street who scuffed your new white shoes. Hurting someone because you’re hurting never solves anything. Think about it this way: you’re hurting because they’ve said something harmful to you, you spew even worse at them and it continues; now you’re sitting there hurt and angry and worst of all? Alone because your Boo is no longer your Boo or your friend is no longer your friend and all because cooler heads didn’t prevail. Now you have a lot of healing to do, healing from the words spoken in anger to and from you as well as healing from the loss of that relationship which meant a lot to you. How did you get here?

I will, once again, own 100% that I have not always been the best communicator but have gotten better in my maturity and growth. I was conditioned to believe my opinion or even defense didn’t matter and it only upset the other person more and I would get yelled at and berated all because I tried to speak my peace. Unfortunately, I know this is one area in which I am not an anomaly, there are many, many more just like me walking around trying to keep the peace by keeping silent. I have come to learn that my voice matters, as does yours and everyone around you and I give others the opportunity to have their say as long as it’s in a respectful tone. See, that’s another area people seem to be confused about: TONE. The tone of your voice, no matter what you’re saying, creates the tone of the conversation. If you’ve had a bad day and even worse commute, your voice is going to be filled with tension and disdain and this would be the worst time to have an in depth conversation with someone you care about. The tone of one’s voice can change an upbeat, easy, breezy conversation into a heated argument in less than 30 seconds because it puts the other person on the defense and now you’re both mad, but why? How did you go from talking about what you’re wearing to the black tie event to now arguing about never picking up draws off the floor? Seriously, how did you get here?

Too many times, things happen in our lives which damage our spirit, soul and psyche but we just take that lil broom and sweep those instances under the rug with the other issues we don’t deal with. Not dealing with the pain of losing a loved one can and will come out as anger at the least expected moment because that pain has to find a way out and you can’t stop it because you never see it coming. You thought you were all well and good after you lost your job, thought you were in a positive mindset and grateful for what you had until your kids’ book bags aren’t symmetrically placed against the wall and then all hell breaks loose. Your kids are now looking at you with terror and fear in their eyes because they don’t understand what it is they did that was so wrong to have you screaming at the top of your lungs with your nostrils flaring. This is when it’s truly messed up because your kids are catching hell for your undealt with and unhealed pain. Now, because you never healed, you’re damaging other humans and showing them it’s okay to take issues out on people who had nothing to do with it. I don’t even have to ask because you now know how you got here.

I could say communication is key until I’m blue in the face but some still won’t get it, they’ll defend their actions and blame the other person for taking them to that level of pisstivity and causing them to blow up and spew hateful things at them. Here’s a fact for you: no one can make you angry, that’s a choice you make when you decide how you’re going to react. If you choose to blow up and not take care with your words, you’re going to be sitting there wondering how you got here, sitting alone and having the person you care about wishing you’d get hit by a bus and then peed on by a homeless person. Healthy relationships create healthy people and vice versa. Once you learn how to communicate your feelings, you’ll see how much healthier your relationships become. This works best if you each care about each other though. If you believe someone is your friend and they’re just hanging around you to dig up dirt on you to put in these streets, they’re not going to communicate effectively with you, they’ll take every opportunity to throw shade and make you feel like shit. You may brush it off because you believe they’re your friend and would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Newsflash, they’re not a friend but that doesn’t mean you move forward to the next person and change who you are. We all have people who cross our paths for various reasons and some of them do so as life lessons on how not to treat other people, making us better for the next person. When we have bad encounters with so-called friends ~ yes, your lover is your friend or at least should be ~ we tend to let it taint us and how we interact with others. Never let someone else’s actions towards you treat someone you care about like they did you, you know the pain you felt when it happened to you, don’t inflict that on another who’s just as innocent as you were.

So, speak your peace, let your voice be heard but make sure you check your tone before you utter that first word and be open to hearing what they have to say. Since everyone isn’t a master communicator, you can actually help them better explain what the real issue is by asking questions. Trust me, I’m known as the Queen of Questions because I will always ask questions to gain further clarity, understanding and insight on what the underlying issue really is. You’d be surprised how the right question can pull back that rug and expose the pain they’ve been avoiding for quite some time. Sometimes you have to humble a person with a statement which will bring it all to the forefront and they actually gain the clarity. There is a thin line between caring, having a nurturing, healing conversation and coming off as a know it all and speaking down to another person for both of your actions. When you’re having a discussion with another person, before you open your mouth to say a word, think about how you would feel first if those words were spoken to you. It’s not that hard to do, I promise, and you’ll be grateful you took that brief moment to consider your words before blowing up over some draws on the floor or 3 pumps and done!

 

You and your friend are hanging out, having a good time when a handsome guy or attractive female approach you both. You all start talking and this person is flirting with both of you and the conversation flows easily. Your friend has eyes for them so, you encourage the connection. The night is going great, they exchange phone numbers and you think a love connection has just occurred before your very eyes! GREAT! Right? During all this conversing, there was one question which wasn’t asked, “Are you involved with someone”? So, you take it upon yourself to ask them because your friend doesn’t want to ruin the vibe and you learn they’re in a long term relationship with someone else, so involved they actually live with this person! Why is that person not enough to keep them from flirting and pursuing other people?

I know this scenario all too well and have gotten completely turned off by anyone approaching me at this point in my life because I am not here to be anyone’s side chick. Unfortunately, there are numerous people who will settle for being that person on the side just to say they have a piece of a man/woman. A more unfortunate truth is we have all been someone on the side at one point or another in our lives and didn’t even know it. We fall for someone and have no reason not to trust what they are telling us so, we go with it because we don’t want to be alone and this person shows us attention when no one else does.

Call me crazy (won’t be the first time) but I just don’t get it. Why be involved with someone, profess your love to them, open your heart and home to this person and actually have them believing they are the only one while you’re out here trying to get laid by every person you see?! Why not just be single instead of bringing someone else into your drama and promiscuity? This totally baffles my mind because there are more married people out here with multiple partners than single people. Truth be told, we single people get far less play, attention and sex than those in committed relationships. This is the sad state of our society at this point and all I can do is shake my head at the lack of true commitment and respect for one another, especially the one you “claim” to love. Yes, I said ‘claim’ to love because if you truly loved them, you’d be faithful to them or leave them and let them find the person who truly appreciates and respects them and what it means to be committed to them and only them.

Side pieces have become such the norm that the person who stays committed to one person and that person only is now viewed as some sort of lame cornball. I have had guys approach me with such a proposition and then get in their feelings when I say, “No thank you”. When did we get here? When did it become okay to say, “I’m married but I want to be with you too”? I’m not that one, I am the one and expect and demand to be the only one when I’m dealing with someone because they will be my only one. So, give me that lame cornball who only has time, eyes, and attention for me, the one who wouldn’t dream of entertaining the advances of another person because they love and respect me and what we are building.

I know of a guy who has a whole wife and baby on the way yet still tries to stick his dang-a-lang in each and every female in his line of sight. In my humble opinion, if you’re always seeking someone outside of your relationship, you’re not happy within it. How can you say you’re happy, always posting pics of you and your Boo on social media but sending unsolicited dick pics to other females’ inboxes? Who does that?! Unfortunately, more than you can count. This guy’s MO *Method of Operation* is different than most married guys who cheat because he has never once stated he is unhappy in his marriage, in fact, he never talks about his wife in public. There are times he wears his ring and other times, he conveniently forgets to put it on but it doesn’t matter because he has a tattoo on his wedding finger which indicates he’s taken. I actually feel sorry for his wife because she has no idea how truly scandalous her husband is when he’s out in these streets trying to get laid by every female with a pulse.

The most common way a person in a committed relationship will try to woo a single person is to give them the ‘whoa is me’ sob story, detailing how unaffectionate their partner is or they haven’t been happy in a long time or they’re only with them because of the children or it’s cheaper to keep and stay with them. Have attempts been made to lure me into a situation such as this? There sure have been and, because I have a caring heart and listening ear, it seems as though I am interested but, honestly, I’m only listening. During the conversation, I ask a couple of questions: “If you’re so unhappy, why don’t you just leave? Why stay with someone you don’t even like going home to”? and for that, I usually don’t get a solid answer.

Here’s my view on this, I was someone’s wife, have been someone’s girlfriend and would have been absolutely crushed to learn my partner was out here trying to have some sort of romantic and/or sexual relationship with another person or multiple people.

When you step out on your partner, you’re destroying their self-esteem and confidence by making them feel as though they are not enough for you. The other person in the relationship, who has been faithfully committed to their partner, is the one who gets hurt the worse because they never saw it coming. You claim to love and cherish your Boo, right? Do you ever stop to think, prior to laying down with someone who isn’t them, about what it will do to them when they find out? Oh, yes Sweetie, they will find out because everything done in the dark comes to light. I don’t care how careful and calculated you may believe you are, wrong is wrong and your Karma will catch up to you in one form or another.

Here’s what’s truly laughable to me: the one out here doing their dirt, having sex with this person, that person, these 3 over here, and that one over there on drunk nights would be absolutely crushed and pissed if they found out their Boo merely entertained conversation from someone of the opposite sex. Crazy huh? No matter how many times they cheat, they expect and dayum near demand to be forgiven, making you feel as though you don’t love them if you don’t! This person can and will cheat more times than you can count and you forgive them each and every time because you love them but they don’t offer the same forgiveness or understanding if they see you having a conversation with another person. Mind you, no sex has occurred between you and the other person but your partner doesn’t care, they feel betrayed, make you feel like shit and, if they stay with you, will bring it up every time they are in the dog house. Your Boo will view your conversation as a Get Out of Jail Free card and continue to mess around with others and are more careless and ruthless with it. If you get in your feelings/angry, they’ll simply say, “Remember that dude you were talking to? Hmph, you didn’t have respect for me, why should I have respect for you”?  

Here’s the thing, never let anyone make you feel as though you are not worthy of commitment and loyalty, we all deserve it. You are worth so much more than being someone on the side, getting a couple of hours here and there, being their listening ear as they bitch about their partner and their ways, being their lil secret all while giving your love, energy and body to them before they go home to the person they claim is their darkness. Shine your light bright and don’t settle for being a side piece. The reason side pieces are ruling relationships is because they’re accepting it. Next time a dude says, “Yeah, I’ve got a girl but I want get to know you better”, tell his dirty dang-a-lang ass to kick rocks barefoot! It is so much better to be single, sleep alone and not have to worry about his wife banging on your door because he can’t keep it in his pants! We do judicial researches on people when we meet them to find out if they have judgments or warrants, why not put that same effort into finding out if they have a spouse at home?

LOVE. What is love? Well, it’s the strongest emotion we experience and the one we have absolutely no control over. Our other emotions may seem stronger but they aren’t and are, to a degree, controllable. Take fear for example, if you face your fears, they have no control over you at all. If you’re afraid of spiders, don’t run the next time you see one, you far outweigh a spider and can crush them into dust with a simple stomp of your foot. Anger is another emotion we can control if we choose to, yes, it is a choice whether you get angry or not. There will be situations where you have the option to either fly off the handle and kirk all the way out, yelling, cursing and screaming at the top of your lungs or keep a level head and remain calm. Never give another the satisfaction of stooping to their level and hoot and holler over something they said which you didn’t agree with, it’s not worth your energy or sanity. Love isn’t that easy to control and that’s why it scares so many of us, we’re used to being in control and love doesn’t abide by that. Love is a little reckless because it knows what you need even when you don’t.

One of the simplest ways I can describe the feeling of love is to remember when I gave birth to my daughters. The emotion I felt at that moment was deeper than anything I had ever experienced in my life and all I could do was cry. I knew at that moment there would be nothing I wouldn’t do for those precious beings. I have been blessed, some will say cursed, to feel that deeply for another outside of my children. To me, it’s a blessing to love another so deeply, not because they asked me to but because I wanted to. Love is not something you ask someone to do for you, it’s a choice they make within themselves to do for and share with you. Love is gentle, love is kind, love is patient and love is unconditional when given in its purest form. Loving without condition is the only way I know how, some will consider this to be a major flaw but I embrace it for the blessing it truly is. Love is my disease.

When describing a situation I was in some time ago, I was told “Your mind is playing tricks on you” and was quite confused as to what they meant. They went on to explain that your mind has no place in matters of the heart because love is not logical and you can’t surpass feelings of love by using logic. People will use logic to say why they should or shouldn’t be with this person or that person, trying to ignore their hearts at the same time. Let me ‘splain something to you, what your heart feels will never be ignored, no matter how much you smoke, party, drink or sleep around with other people. When your heart belongs to someone else, until that is acknowledged and dealt with, you’ll settle for subpar, mediocre relationships with others because your heart is not whole nor is it connecting on that deep level. No one, no matter how much they care for you, can tell you what to do with your heart, the love you share with and feel for another is between you and that other person, no one else. There will be times those around you may question why you love who you do and suggest you give up and find someone they believe will be more suitable for you. That’s hilarious because no one outside of GOD knows you, your heart and who is meant for you.

Unfortunately, there are so many who’ve never experienced unconditional love shared with them by another, therefore, they don’t really understand or appreciate it for the gift is actually is. You know the type of person I’m referring to, the one who’s had multiple relationships but never had a true connection with someone. This person is always doing for their Boo and receiving nothing in return except an extended hand expecting more and more be done for them. Then, you come into their lives and just want to love and be there for them without expectation of what they can do for you, they get scared and make up irrelevant excuses as to why the 2 of you can’t be together. They will never admit they are scared of this unfamiliar feeling, they’ll do whatever they can to justify their actions, hurting you in the process because all you wanted to do was to show them what unconditional love felt like. This same person will continue to get involved with other people who they know have no chance of actually reaching and holding a significant place in their heart, they opt for what feels ‘safe’. When they choose for safety, they aren’t loving, they are merely existing and feel they’re doing the right thing because, in their mind, they are in a relationship. All they are really doing is wasting the time of both parties involved because neither has the option or chance to move on to find the one who will protect, nurture and treasure their love and heart with kindness, patience, and care.

Thru the trials and tribulations of a relationship, we start to feel stupid for loving someone we feel may not love us as deeply. You can’t compare or critique how someone else loves you, we all show our love differently. Here’s an example: the way I show love is to do for others, be their shoulder to cry on, there for them in every capacity, doing whatever I can to make their life easier and more stress free, this is me. Now, the person I’m involved with could show their love by making sure I worry about nothing materialistically or financially, they will work themselves like a slave without papers just to make sure I don’t want for anything. The disconnect comes into play if neither of us recognize the other’s actions. I could get in my feelings and say he doesn’t love me as deeply because he’d rather work than spend time with me and he could get in his feelings because he believes his efforts are going unappreciated and taken for granted. If there is no communication and understanding, both hearts will get broken and possible resentment will grow. With communication, a happy medium will always prevail and your hearts will continue to flourish with love for one another.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it: Never feel stupid for loving someone, it is a gift denied many. The saddest thing I have ever witnessed and experienced is being in love with someone and not being able to, for whatever reason, be with them. Yes, life would be so much easier if we were able to pick and choose who we love and have our love mirrored in our partner but it’s not that simple. If people were truthful with themselves, there’d be much less heartache, heartbreak, pain, bitterness, and misery in the world. But, alas, love scares too many for this to be a reality. Sometimes we have to go thru the pain of love and loss to grow and be prepared for the one truly meant for us. If you hadn’t gone thru so much shit with the last one, you wouldn’t be able to appreciate the goodness of the next one.

You owe it to yourself and those who come into your life to understand what a priceless gift love is. Never take for granted the love another shares with you because you have no idea how much it took for them to open up enough to let you in. When you accept the love another gives you without reciprocity, you are now abusing their love and that’s cruel beyond measure. Take the time to nurture your own love before sharing with another so they’re able to receive it in its most pure and genuine format. It’s time we all take a chance and let love be our disease.

I love being a woman, I love every single aspect of it, and would never, ever want to be a man. To those who know me, this statement comes as no surprise, I am the girliest girlie girl one may know who is often called prissy and embrace the term and my femininity fully. I love feeling pretty in my dresses with pockets as I strut in my cute stilettos with my hair and nails done while wearing the perfect shade of lipstick. It’s what I do and love! Do we go thru a lot of shit being women? Hell yeah! Cramps are no day at the park, we stay faithful using products to keep our skin silky smooth, go thru the pain of removing hair in certain places, battle those last 5 lbs. which seem to be mocking us, and deal with heartbreak or loss with a smile while taking care of business thru it all. BUT we also create, grow and bring life forth into this world, sit with our babies all hours of the day and night to make sure they feel safe and loved, and putting others needs before our own just to see them smile. We are also allowed and almost expected to show emotions. That last part is what is so crucial and something I’m truly grateful for. I would have probably imploded decades ago if I was chastised and told to toughen up each time I cried from sadness, joy or pain. Believe me, I was such a crybaby and it got on my mother’s nerves to the highest level of pisstivity. She did everything she could to condition me to hide my tears and emotions and, for the most part, it worked. My payback for being so sensitive and crying over what seemed like nothing to another? A clone who acts just like me.

Let me ‘splain something though, I have grown and learned thru experiences and a bit of therapy that my sensitivity is part of my genetic make-up, it’s not something which was ever meant to be stifled.

I embrace my emotional heart and nature because it enables me to be there for others in an empathetic manner. It took me some time and, yes, more therapy to understand it’s okay to cry in front of others when I am affected by my circumstance and situation.

Once I got a handle on my emotions, I was able to help my daughter understand and deal with hers. For so long, I didn’t cry in front of my children because that is what I grew up with, a mother who the only showed the emotions of anger or happiness, never sadness or pain. While I admire my mother for her strength, my heart hurts for her knowing she bottled so much up and suffered in her pain alone. I never want my children to feel that for me or themselves.

Thru my growth and understanding, my heart began to ache and feel for males because this is how they’ve been conditioned from a very young age. Growing up, I would see a little boy fall, scrape his knee and want so badly to cry but before a tear could drop, you’d hear, “Don’t you dare cry! Man up, boy”! This little boy would take a deep breath, suck his tears back, get up, and limp away with a bloody knee which we all know was causing him pain. The nurturer in me would instinctively rush to his aid to make him feel better and I, too, would be chastised. This lesson was also instilled in boys when someone hurt their feelings with their words and those same words were spoken with sternness “Man up, boy!! Don’t you dare cry”! Many times I’ve been told not to feel or empathize for them because men aren’t supposed to cry and I’ve often wondered, “Says who”? Are they not emotional creatures just as women?

Bottling up emotions and never dealing with the pain they carry is what causes us the most damage to human beings. We were created with a plethora of emotions and feelings, we’re supposed to feel the joy, pain, happiness, anger, sadness and love, not ignore it. Ignoring our feelings and pains is what causes us to unintentionally inflict pain on those who care most about and for us. When you’re taught and told not to show emotion, someone like myself might cause utter confusion and conflict in your mind and life because you’d be taken aback by my openness to display how I’m feeling. I’ve come to learn my sensitive nature scares some people because they don’t know how to handle me and are afraid to hurt me so, they just don’t deal with me. Yeah, that seems fair……

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to just burst out in tears like it’s the end of the world because you told me I could only have 3 pieces of bacon when I wanted 4, I’m not that bad. But that is what happens when you aren’t free to express yourself emotionally, you overreact about the simplest things which really don’t warrant all the hoot and hollering you are doing. That is what bottling up emotions will do to a person. I know someone who doesn’t deal with their emotions because they are, essentially, a control freak and love, sadness and pain aren’t anything you can control. When he is sad, he’s irritable and snapping at everyone over the smallest of things like a piece of lint on the carpet. Not dealing with emotions is why people punch walls or yell and scream some of the most vile and hurtful words imaginable at the one who loves them or simply become a recluse and shut everyone out. When a relationship ended, they didn’t deal with their feelings about it, they simply just said, “It’s over” and tried to move on with their lives as though their heart had never been touched. That is the beginning of the breaking of the next person to come into their lives because that neglected pain will only turn to anger, insecurity, hostility and bitterness. The scary part is all of those emotions will come out when least expected and damage the one who loves you the most.

My daddy was one of the strongest men I have ever known in my entire life and have been blessed to see such strength in and was the one who nurtured my sensitive side. Even as strong as my father was, there were times when the pain of losing his mother, nephew and best friend were too much and he shed tears. Being the empath I am, when I saw my daddy cry, I broke down even harder because I know how much strength it took to go against all of his conditioning and let the tears flow. To me, strength is not just remaining stoic and appearing emotionless during a time of trial, tribulation, loss or pain. Strength is what you get when you endure any of those situations and allow yourself to show and feel emotions in order to heal. The sad reality is that men have been conditioned from a very young age that if they cry due to physical or emotional pain, it means they are weak. They can’t show that weakness due to the belief that no woman would want to be with them because they think they’re a punk. I will say no woman wants a man who cries more than she does, that’s just another reality. But, if you’re sad because you lost your mother/father/sister/brother/loved one? Cry, let it out, feel that emotion, let us know you are hurting so we can do what we do as women and nurture your pain.

We always speak of loving ourselves and how crucial it truly is. When you don’t allow yourself to feel, you’re denying yourself such a precious gift. No one is saying to break down in tears at the drop of a hat because your tears will soon be seen more of an aggravation and you’ll hear muffles of “Oh GAWD, here they go again with the water works. What’s wrong now, is the sky the wrong shade of blue or did their cat lose a whisker? Ugh, I need another drink” and no one will take them seriously. All I’m saying to do is allow yourself to miss the person you thought was your best friend who no longer speaks to you or mourn the loss of a loved one or be sad that you lost that job opportunity. It’s okay, I promise, you won’t break, you’ll actually feel yourself coming together as a whole human being. You can do this in the privacy of your own home, no one has to know but they will be able to see the difference in you and your compassion in their time of need.So, grab some wine or spirited beverage of your choice, a box of tissues and heal, Dear Heart, your heart, soul, spirit and mind deserve it.

Look at you working life like a boss! Your career is going well, your children aren’t failing out of school or getting locked up (they’re still children, there will always be issues), you have yourself a good group of friends who, for the most part are drama free ~ life is good. BUT you miss the companionship of the opposite sex………………who am I kidding, you miss getting laid every once in a while, who doesn’t? I mean, you could have the best girlfriends, fattest bank account, and your child can be on the dean’s list but momma needs some lovin’ every so often and it’s perfectly normal, we’re only human! Maybe you’re recently out of a relationship and just want to heal and have some ‘me’ time so, you have your flings here and there but still feel empty and unsatisfied because you can’t find that one person who does things (and you) the way you like enough to go back and make it a friends with benefits type of situation. You’re both on the same page of not wanting a relationship at this juncture and the sex is the BOMB! But, as time goes on, you start questioning what this has actually become and you didn’t get here by yourself…..

If you’ve ever been in a friends with benefits type of situation, you understand what a sticky wicket it can turn out to be, feelings are bound to get involved because you are being intimate with this person. Most people neglect to recognize the most important word in that term: Friends. You are getting to know this person, you converse and begin to care for them as a friend, not a partner or Boo, just a friend you have some great sex with. Now, if you don’t want to risk any feelings getting involved, simply keep it at F Buddies and I guarantee you won’t have as many issues. See, there are distinct differences between F Buddies (FB) and Friends With Benefits (FWB). An FB is someone who you’ve had sex with before and you know they gets the job DONE, it’s guaranteed mind blowing sex, you call them only after midnight, you leave as soon as the act is finished, there is no lingering around and chatting, that’s not what you went there for, and definitely no phone calls or texts outside of “You home” or “Wyd”? They serve one purpose and one purpose only, you don’t really even know if you have anything besides sex in common because anything outside of that bedroom in the wee hours of the morning is not your concern. Now, an FWB is where it gets complicated because this is someone you hang out with, have similar taste in music and movies, can carry on intelligent conversations with, you’re comfortable with them, and have some good sex together. Here are a couple of things these 2 situations have in common: you don’t get downright nasty and do things such as oral sex, bondage,threesomes or dates, that’s shit you save for your real BOO; there is never any spending of the night; no expectations of it being anything more than sex; no cuddling after sex; and definitely no discussion of feelings of love. YIKES, the L word with someone whose mother you haven’t even met?

How many times have you had the “I don’t want a relationship” card pulled on you? This is somewhat of a “” card because they can pull it at any time they want. If something happens and you get upset or jealous, they don’t have to care about your feelings because, remember, you’re not in a relationship. They feel they don’t have to entertain the “Where is this going” conversation because they have reiterated to you that this isn’t and they don’t want a relationship. However, they are acting like your Boo! They are sending mixed signals left and right, leaving you dazed and confused and will actually act offended as to why you thought it was more than it was. This person invites you over or asks to see you 5 out of 7 days of the week, cooks for you or lets you cook for them, gives you free reign over their home, lets you meet their children, shares intimate parts of their life and experiences, cuddles you as you sleep, and hits it raw! But will be sure to tell you they aren’t your Boo. Yeah, I know, your head is spinning just as mine is because that’s a very confusing situation to be in. They are showing and acting like your Boo but won’t see you outside of the house or take you on an actual date because that’s what would make it a relationship, right? In today’s society, we’ve settled for being in situationships instead of acknowledging it for what it is ~ a relationship ~ out of fear of scaring this potential mate away.

It’s comical to me and sad at the same time how many people don’t know what it actually means to be single and these are the same people who are crossing the FWB lines and feel they’re single because they say they don’t want a relationship. Being single means just that, you are single, you hang with your friends, can go on dates with multiple people or stay in the house and veg in your jammies all weekend, you don’t have to answer to anyone about your whereabouts or what you’re doing, you sleep alone every single night, essentially, you are your own person and responsible for you. Just because you don’t label something doesn’t mean it’s not something more than what you claim you don’t want or are ready for. If you aren’t ready for a relationship, be single, don’t entertain anyone else right now, don’t bring anyone else into your drama or world because they will catch feelings of some sort, it’s bound to happen no matter how many times you say “I don’t want a relationship”. If you don’t want a relationship, stop acting like my Boo and let’s just be FB so I can do what I want to do without the guilt of possibly hurting you or getting hurt from seeing you out with someone else. To treat someone like your Boo but never give the respect of actually letting them be your Boo is why there are so many damaged humans who, in turn, do the same thing to the next person.

If you are not ready, willing or able to take someone on a dates and be an active part of their life, don’t let them spend the night, don’t cook for them or let them cook for you, don’t let them run errands with you, don’t let them supply your habit, and don’t have sex with them without protection because that’s shit that is done in a relationship. You don’t want a girl/boyfriend? Call up that one person who is as interesting as a box of rocks and good for nothing more than blowing your back out and curling your toes, that person who you’d never take home to meet your family because you don’t even really like them, you just like their sex.  These 2 terms were created because people thought it would be a simple, non-complicated way of getting the benefits of getting laid without having any strings attached or actually having to work for the sex. When did we become so unworthy of getting a date somewhere in between giving you some coochie/dang-a-lang? FB and FWB was supposed to be easy but it’s become more difficult than actually being in a relationship, at least in the relationship you know what the deal is! When you make the mature decision to claim your partner and put a status on what you’re doing, you know that: you’re together; you’re not free to date someone else; you’re free to let your freak flag fly with them and try things you normally wouldn’t; you can and are usually expected to spend the night; you share your whereabouts out of common courtesy and respect; and you are well within your right to ask at any point where this is going.

If you are not ready for a relationship, stick to one time sexual encounters with different people, don’t pick one person and make them your non-committed Boo, you’re worth more than that. FB and FWB situations rarely end well because only one person stuck to their guns about it being about nothing more than sex while the other person may have caught feelings. You can’t just have repeated sex and be intimate with a person and just walk away and start your life with someone else as though that other person never mattered. No matter how much you want to claim you never caught feelings because you knew what it was and never wanted a relationship, you still lose a friend when it ends when you’re not honest with yourself or them. Yes, telling someone you don’t want a relationship is showing honesty but to lead them on by acting like their Boo in every sense of the word outside of actually dating them is being dishonest. One of the worst things you can do is to lead someone on and then question and make them feel bad about catching feelings and developing expectations of “where this is headed”.

The main thing most fail to understand and recognize is that it’s not your sexual prowess which made this person fall for you, it was your character and how you treated them.

By now, anyone who reads my blogs is aware that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful teenage daughters. In speaking with other mothers who are single, I realize each and every day how truly blessed and fortunate I am to have the ex-husband and father of my children that I do. Having come from a broken home, my parents divorced when I was only 5 years old, I knew I wanted more for my children than I had, as most parents do. What I wanted for my children was for them to always have both of us in their lives in an active manner whether or not we were together as a couple. I didn’t want them to feel the tension and stress due to being miserable because my marriage didn’t work out. Their father and I made the decision that we would maintain our friendship and co-parent in a manner which not only benefited our children, it also helped us as adults going thru the life altering decision of ending our marriage.

There are women I know who are single parents to their children 95% of the time due to the father of that child/children being in his feelings towards the mother and taking it out on his seed. They fail to see that one has nothing to do with the other. First and foremost, no child asked to be here, that was a decision you both made when you laid down in that bed and planted that seed. I’m going to say what my father told me years ago: “In this day and age with all of the birth control options available to you, there is no such thing as an accidental pregnancy”. Yes, there will be times in which that birth control fails but nothing outside of abstinence is 100% and that’s something you have to keep in mind as well. I will not get into the whole Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate because everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I’ll leave it at that. If your birth control were to fail and you’re surprised with a pregnancy, that’s a discussion between you and the person you laid with, no one else.

When you and your partner make the decision to have a child, you’ve made an agreement to take care of this child emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally by always being there for them for the rest of your lives, not just while you’re cohabitating. Will money get tight?! Of course it will, children are expensive and that only increases as they get older. Trust me, I wish I could take my girls out to eat and still pay only a couple of dollars for kids’ meals but they eat more than I do at this point. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, they still need a roof over their heads, water to bathe with, electricity for heating/cooling/cooking, these are expenses for the child as well, not just buying them the latest pair of Jordans ® or flyest name brand gear which they will outgrow or destroy in a matter of months. It doesn’t matter if you and your partner are together or not, your child still needs you there for their good, bad, happy and sad times, they need to know they matter to you more than hanging out in clubs all hours of the day and night. Your children are not here to listen to you moan, groan, bitch and complain about what’s not going right in your life, that’s the type of stuff we’re supposed to shield from and not unload on them. Children are not something you deal with when it’s convenient for you, once you made the decision to bring them forth into this world, it ceased being about you and what you wanted first, it’s about them and their well-being first and foremost.

The subject of child support is a very touchy and emotional one these days because you have fathers who bitch about how the money he’s giving to support his child is being spent. On the flip side of that, you have mothers who abuse the money given to them by the fathers and go get their nails and weaves done instead of buying clothes that fit their child. I get it, it’s messed up on both sides but, trust me when I tell you, we’re not all the same, the abusers make it hard for those who truly need the money. I know of a situation where the father swears up and down all day long that his daughter means everything to him, however, he doesn’t spend time with her, calls her every few days and offers nothing towards her well-being. This man doesn’t care if his daughter has eaten today or has clothes which fit her but makes sure to have the latest Gucci ® belt around his brand new jeans, with his fresh Polo ® shirt on and brand new sneakers every time he comes around. He and his daughter’s mother had a very volatile relationship and she finally broke free of it and him but that’s not good enough for him, he wants her back and their daughter suffers in the process.

The mother has asked the father for financial support on a regular basis but he ignores the requests and instead composes lengthy emails about how his misses his family and attaches love songs from their relationship. All the while, his daughter’s lunch account is $25 in the hole, her shoes have seen better days and she misses her daddy. This same guy told the mother of his child that if she took him for child support, he wouldn’t buy his daughter another birthday or Christmas gift, the mother would have to do that since “she wanted to be petty and take him for child support”. The ignorance of that statement totally blows my mind.

When you have a mother who is a mature adult, she will work with you and do what she can to keep both of you out of the court system. There will be times when the court needs to get involved and in those cases, she will still be a grown woman and work with you. There are men who are in arrears when it comes to child support and that can affect your driving abilities and freedom. As women, we know and understand that and do what it takes to make sure you don’t lose your job because you don’t have a license to get there or are sitting in jail. The one thing you have to remember is she is going to respond to you in the manner at which you come at her. I say this to mean, if you go to court and have a decent attitude, she will work with you but if you call her bitter because the court has made a decision based off your salary? Yeah, stop buying your fancy clothes because you have some arrearage to catch up on.

Another situation I am aware of involves a scorned woman with more than one child’s father. Now, the man takes care of and loves his daughter with everything he is and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for that little girl. However, her mother uses the child to get back at the father for breaking her heart by refusing to let him even see his daughter. This same woman only took him for child support because he married another woman instead of her and the proof of that is once he separated from his wife, she began actually giving him money back. Everything was going smoothly until she realized that his divorce didn’t mean a reconciliation between the 2 of them and she began keeping his daughter from him and has taken him back to court twice to get increases so she can take care of her other 3 children who have different fathers. This is an abuse of the system and the reason it is hard for there to be civility between 2 biologically grown people who should be focused on the well-being of the children, not the demise of a relationship.

One misconception I’ve heard before is child support and visitation go hand in hand, not true, one has nothing to do with the other. However, there are females who actually tell the fathers that since he is behind on child support, he can’t and won’t see his child until he is current. Sometimes, he just doesn’t have it but that doesn’t mean the child shouldn’t have time with him. At that point, the father gets resentful and bitter because he feels the mother is viewing the child as nothing more than a paycheck and he has to pay to spend time with his own seed. The one who is affected the most deeply is that child whose home life was already disrupted when the relationship ended, he no longer saw his father when he woke up every morning and before he closed his eyes at night. And now, due to selfish people who are in their feelings over the demise of that relationship, he doesn’t get to see his daddy on a regular basis. This poor child did nothing wrong but is the one being punished because his parents can’t get their shit together enough to be cordial and put his needs first.

Child support is not your personal wardrobe fund, it is to support that child in every aspect of life, whether it be food, lights, rent, field trips, school supplies, clothes, hair, etc. There also needs to be an understanding that just because you helped out with school supplies or paid for a field trip here or there doesn’t mean you deduct that from the child support payment, that’s still stuff a parent does, you don’t get brownie points for doing it. There are too many children out here suffering because they don’t have both parents in their lives due to bitterness and hatred towards each other, whether it be over the demise of their relationship or money. Do what you can to put your pettiness aside and remember who this is truly about ~ your seed and their well-being. Do what you can to spend time with your child regardless of how your ex feels about you, don’t let questions of money keep you away from knowing your child and being there for them. Put your pride and ego aside so you can be involved and contribute to a healthy human being growing up in a world full of hate and confusion.

We’ve all done it, we’ve all sat around and talked about what we heard here or there from this person or that person. We’ve all been guilty of it at some point in our lives, I am very guilty of it and I own that 100%! Hell, I watch nearly every ratchet reality show there is and then talk about it as if I actually know them! Yeah, I know, I need to do better and worry about shit that actually matters and affects my life and I’m doing better, I promise. However, there will be times when you hear people talking about a person who isn’t there and spilling tea everywhere about every detail they’ve heard 3^rd and 4^th hand from other sources which are never confirmed as being accurate, it’s just hearsay. This is when it becomes a problem because someone’s character is being soiled by gossips who don’t even know this person’s last name, they just thrive off the drama. The saddest thing I’m learning is that men are worse than women in this day and age when it comes to gossip and being messy.

Have you ever been talking to someone and they start telling you YOUR business or the things they’ve heard you’ve done? You’re having a conversation and learning how fabulous or trashy your, in reality, boring life is ‘in these streets’.I have lived in my home in a small town for 16 years now and, until 2.5 years ago, kept to myself and stayed in my house unless I was running errands for my household. I pride myself on being a mother and that’s all I did, my girls were my life, they still are but are now teenagers and ignore me, and didn’t have an interest in anything else. I was blessed to meet women from this area and started going out and enjoying what this little city had to offer. Well, in doing so, somehow word is I became a hoe because I was seen outside of my home at parties and functions. Rumors and gossip began to spread from the mouths of people, mainly men, because I was viewed as the new light skinned chick on the party scene and made up lies about me. The lies were so elaborate that I was rumored to be out in the streets when I was just sitting in my room vegging for the weekend, how impressive is that? Does it bother me? Hell yeah, how could it not? I always speak of Karma and crosses to bear and this is where I have to realize this isn’t my cross to bear but more of a lesson to be learned ~ no matter what you do, how clean you keep your nose and reputation, someone, somewhere isn’t satisfied with it and will do whatever they can to soil it.

I guess what really scrapes my nerves is the fact that men have become worse than a scorned woman and will spread lies about a female who didn’t return their advances. Seriously?! I’m not interested in you because my focus is somewhere else and your response is to start the, “I heard……….”? Yeah, very masculine and mature buddy. To quote a show, these spineless, insecure males are MITCHES: What self-respecting man would sit around and gossip about what females are doing without knowing them? Oh, that’s right, my bad, I used the wrong word, they are not men, they are merely genetically male because a real man wouldn’t entertain such nonsense coming from another person, especially not another man. There are guys who will say a particular female sleeps around to dirty her reputation so either no one will want her or the only reason a male will approach her is because he believes she is easy and quick to have sex with him. For those Mitches? I hope your lil dang-a-langs shrivel up and never work again, why not? You’ve proven you’re not man enough to deserve it.

When you speak to others about someone else’s business which you were not privy to learn firsthand, and by firsthand I mean sitting there watching it actually go down, you show how messy you truly are. Too many times, the rumor is believed over the truth if anyone ever had the cojones to actually ask the subject of the lies being spread. Spreading and believing gossip without confronting the victim is a sign of a weak individual. It takes a strong person to actually sit down and say, “I heard a, b, c, about you from this source. I wanted to let you know what’s being and been said about you” and give them the opportunity to correct anything which isn’t true. But no, society is too weak minded to actually be grown and mature enough to have an adult conversation with another person. When you decide to spread the rumors and gossip instead of sharing the info with the victim, you have officially stooped to the level of a bitter, scorned individual who has nothing better to do with their time than spread lies.

When you spread and contribute to rumors and gossip, you’re showing how insecure you are within yourself and the life you live. If you were secure about everything you have going on and who you are, you wouldn’t have time to even entertain such foolishness. But alas, people who have messed up lives seem to feel talking about others is their only way to escape what’s not right in their own. You also have the ones who have so very little going on in their own lives, they thrive off the drama they hear ‘in these streets’. For these people, I merely say “Get yo life” and stay out of everyone else’s, especially mine. The reality is, my, your momma’s, best friend’s, co-worker’s business is not yours to tell. Have you ever wondered why, if these people’s lives were so fabulously perfect, why aren’t they bragging on themselves? Because they live in a world of despair, depression or even boredom, that’s why.  What is accomplished by trying to bring another human being down thru lies? We really need to do better as a human race, there is more attention shown to the negative side of someone’s life than ever given to the good and positive they’re doing.

I, personally, have never been a jealous or envious person but that’s not to say they don’t exist in overwhelming numbers. A jealous person spreads lies, rumors and gossip about someone else they feel have it better than themselves. Here’s the thing, my life is just that, mine just as is yours is yours. You have things I may not have and that’s fine, I’m not jealous because what’s meant for you is not meant for me, lives play out differently every single second of the day. Everyone’s lives and what they have are a result of the Karma created at some point in their lives. If you do good, work hard and strive to have as many material possessions as possible, that’s on you and what makes you happy. If you volunteer with the elderly or animals, the universe will reward you for your efforts. If you are constantly either spreading or believing rumors and gossip…………let me know how things are going in your life because I’m sure you feel like you can’t catch a break. Again, one simple but powerful word: KARMA.

Rumors and gossip also spread like wild fire because very few know what it means to be a friend to another person. You have people who smile in your face and want to be around you but that’s merely to learn your business so they can run and tell others. When you have a true friend, they won’t tolerate hearing your name dragged thru the mud and will let those speaking incorrectly about you know and then share with you what’s been said. A real friend has your back in every aspect of life and will be happy for your accomplishments, not diminish them by a lie from another.

At the end of the day, none of us always make the right decisions in life, we err and that’s okay as long as we’re learning from our mistakes. Our missteps should never be put under a microscope to be judged and criticized by others who don’t have their own lives in order. What works for your situation may not work for mine and vice versus, it is what it is, no reason to hate on it. There are so many things people will hate on when things aren’t going right in their lives, such as: someone who works a 9 – 5 desk job envies the person who works from home. Or the ones who see a couple who are sickeningly in love while they spend their weekends with Netflix and snacks. Instead of hating, them and be happy they’ve found love with the understanding you, too, will have it, it’s just not your time. If you live in a townhouse and someone else lives in a 7,000 square foot home, enjoy and beautify your abode, you never know what goes on behind their closed doors.

As you can tell, I hate rumors and gossip because it taints people’s characters and the opinions of others towards them. I believe if you’re a shit stirrer, you should be made to lick the spoon to gain the lesson of keeping your mouth shut about that which you don’t know. But, again, if we knew better, we’d do better, right? Focus on you and yours and the drama will not entertain you.

Have you ever met someone and they just seem angry at the world? You watch this person and usually label them a jerk or asshole because they seem so very cold and emotionless. Sometimes you’ll try to get to know them to understand what made them view the world with such disdain and other times you just stay out of their way. One of my favorite sayings is: You know my name but you don’t know my story. You could know someone all your life and never know their true darkness and what caused it. As humans, we tend to bury the traumas we experience in life, believing if we don’t acknowledge them, they never existed and, therefore, can’t damage us. The unfortunate truth is the experiences we don’t deal with or even acknowledge are the ones which cause the most damage to our psyches, spirits and souls, preventing us from ever being able to experience pure, unadulterated joy and happiness.

Everyone handles traumatic experiences differently, some work themselves nearly to death to avoid any down time to think about it while others try to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs. When you’ve experienced a heartbreak, you’re leery of ever letting anyone near your heart again for fear it will happen all over again. In responding to and nurturing your fear, you tend to spend a lot of time alone or in unfulfilling relationships and wondering why you can’t find and sustain true love. Well, you can’t find or sustain it because you’re not allowing yourself to actually feel anything or let anyone in, love can’t penetrate a closed heart. Heartbreak is one thing which damages us and something each and every one of us has dealt with at some point in our lives and we all handle it differently. When a heart is broken by someone you trusted and loved with your all, some will cry and be sad for an unusually long extended period of time, swearing they’ll never let anyone that close to them again. Others will go from person to person with the intentions of never getting attached again. In either situation, you’re still hurting, sad and quite lonely.

While heartbreak is something we’ve all experienced, there are traumas most of us are fortunate to never have dealt with or witnessed, therefore, we will never fully understand the damage and pain it causes another person. I feel safe in saying most of us have never seen our best friend’s head blown off or a pregnant woman’s stomach cut open and her baby stolen while she lay bleeding to death in a dirty alley. While we’ve all been betrayed by someone we trusted, most haven’t endured being raped and abused by someone we thought we could trust.  Our traumas carry with them a sense of guilt. Example: you and your best friend are in a car accident, they die and you walk away with scrapes and bruises, you feel guilty that you lived and they didn’t. Being in an abusive relationship carries with it the guilt because you feel your actions or smart mouth is the trigger for their violence towards you. An experience such as violence in your presence against a loved one can’t be drunk or smoked away, it actually has to be dealt with and that usually involves some couch time.

The reality is we all grew up with different home lives and life styles. The guy in high school who always had on the flyest gear may have gone to bed hungry every night. The guy with the hottest car on the parking lot has to look over his shoulder at all times because he’s in the drug game and there are those who want what he has. The shy girl who kept to herself could have been being emotionally abused and told she’d never amount to anything by her parents and, therefore, she believes it’s how everyone views her. The bully who picked on those they felt were weak may not have had a permanent place to lay their head each night and bounced from couch to couch just to have a roof over their heads because their parents kicked them out. The straight A student who was an uptight brown noser to all the teachers could have been the child of a crack head and swore they’d never end up like their parent. The female who slept around may have been molested at a young age by a family member and feels that’s all she has to offer and the only way to show love.

We are all guilty of judging someone from what we see on the outside and our personal judgements cause us to not want to get to know them or even care about them. As humans, we tend to not talk about the negative things transpiring in our lives because we deem them to be shameful. Over the last couple of years, I’ve gone thru a transformation and have opened up a lot and share some of my most painful secrets with those I love and trust. My biggest hurdle has been to be vulnerable with others, I always thought it made me look weak but have since come to learn and appreciate it shows my strength. It frustrates me that I am judged on my appearance and people don’t take the time to know who I am at my core but I’ve been guilty of doing the same to others. I can proudly say I am no longer that judgmental person, I view every person as a story and know that what I see is only the cover. Due to the numerous chapters in our lives, we are all hurting in some form or another and to be judged by someone who hasn’t taken the time to try to know and understand us only causes more pain.

The children who suffered some form of abuse, anguish, or trauma growing up are the adults we deal with on a regular basis. The bully from high school is still a bully as an adult, they could be the jerk of a boss who uses their authority to make others feel small just to satisfy their ego. The female who was promiscuous in high school has never found love, only a long line of sexual partners and is still offering what’s between her legs as love. The straight A student was so blinded by not being her drug addicted parent she never lived life and focused solely on success. Sure she may have a fat bank account and everything materialistic she could ever want but she’s empty inside. The drug dealer may not have made it out of his 20’s alive and if he did, he’s spent some time being a resident of the state in a cell. The girl who felt as though she were the ugly duckling grew up and learned how to do her make-up and hair and is now a mean girl in her 50’s, judging every female she passes due to her own insecurities. These people may have biologically aged but they never grew or matured and are stuck in the saddest period of their lives.

I say it all the time and I’ll continue to say it: No one is perfect, we all have flaws and a story darker than most can handle even hearing about. One facet of being grown is being vulnerable and sharing your experiences with someone you trust, no matter how dark and twisted it may seem to you. When you share with the right person, they won’t judge nor condemn you, they’ll listen and sometimes that’s all we need, a listening ear, open heart, shoulder to cry on, understanding and forgiving embrace. We have all been thru things in our lives which should have killed us but we are still here, there is a purpose on our lives. Your experiences don’t who you are, just because they happened to you doesn’t make them who you are. If you feel you can’t talk to anyone about what you’ve been thru, grab a pen and some paper and write about it, trust me, it’s very cathartic and you’ll feel that weight lift off your spirit.

Today is National Women’s Day and each and every one of us chose to celebrate/commemorate the way which suited us individually. There were scores of women teachers who took the day off to show the impact their absence would have on the school system. This action caused multiple school districts to close to avoid mass confusion. This action also got a rise out of a lot of people who didn’t support them and their actions. The purpose of this day has been lost somewhere along the way and this year it seems to be blamed on the new administration. Don’t worry, this post is not going to be political, I don’t write about nor do I discuss politics, not my thing. This is all about glorifying all that a woman is, embodies and has to offer the world and those around her.

I am a strong, proud Black woman but my strength doesn’t come only from my ethnicity, yes, it is a big part of it but not all of it. I come from a long line of strong women and it wasn’t until I got older did I know, understand and appreciate their strengths. If you’ve never had the pleasure of sitting down and talking and listening to the older generation of women in your family, I highly suggest taking time out of your busy schedule to do so while you still have the opportunity. They are a wealth of knowledge and stories which would have you sitting in silence and awe at the life they’ve lived. Some of their stories are filled with wisdom and others are filled with humor. We’ve lost focus of the struggles older generations have had to endure so we are able to live the lives we do in this era. Unfortunately, I don’t have many with whom I can do this with anymore but I took the time when they were here to ask questions and listen. My Grannie was a single mother who worked multiple jobs to ensure her family had a roof over their heads and food on the table. It wasn’t until she was gone did I learn of her true strength and character. My Nana was a homemaker who raised her 4 children while her husband worked in the school system as a career. They were 2 totally different women but had strengths which were immeasurable and did it all without complaint.

When I was growing up, I admired my mother so much because she represented the epitome of what a classy lady should be at all times. She always looked put together perfectly, no matter if she was going to work or the grocery store. She never had a hair out of place, crust in her eyes or raggedy clothes on, she represented herself well with her speech and manners and I strived to be just like her. My mother has been thru so very much in her life and she did it all without complaint at any point. I rarely have ever seen my mother cry, even in the hardest moments and situations, she kept her head held high and handled it with more dignity and grace than I could fathom. She made sacrifices for me and my sister as a single mom without blinking an eye, it was just something she was determined to do, no matter the situation.

I may be a single mother now but I haven’t always been but my sister has been one from the moment my nephew was born. Even though her son’s father is very active in his life, she was the primary care for him on a regular basis. Next to my mother, my sister is the strongest woman I know and I wouldn’t be who or how I am had it not been for her. I have watched my sister struggle with everything life could throw at her but she forged thru it with determination to win at all costs. I always felt inferior to her and her strength, never believing I could ever be half the woman she was. I am so truly blessed she is my sister, friend, hero and biggest fan ~ Love you Sisser!

It’s true that it’s not always easy being a woman, sometimes it absolutely seems to suck but I’d never want to be a man. As a woman, I am able to cry when I am hurting or scared and not thought less of or weak for doing so, being able to show emotions when they arise is invaluable.  There are females who desire to be equal to men in every facet of their daily lives, not me! Although I am fully capable, I have no desire to cut the grass or change the oil in a vehicle. There are those who would never believe I actually do know how to do those things but my daddy made absolutely sure I had this knowledge even though he knew I’d probably never use it. You can’t tell by looking at my vehicle right now but I know how to wash and wax a car better than most men, again, thanks to my daddy.

Take a moment and think about the wonderfulness which is WOMAN: she grows life within her body, endures the swollen body parts, an ever growing belly, heartburn, blood pressure concerns, hours of pain and sometimes being cut to bring forth a human being and she does it willingly. No matter how crappy she may feel, she pushes thru and makes sure her family is taken care of at all times unless she physically can’t move. She spends many sleepless nights ensuring her babies are okay, whether it be bad dreams or sickness; she doesn’t close her eyes until she knows they’re at peace. A woman is a man’s backbone, encouraging and guiding him in his times of weakness and attacks from others. As a woman, although it will break our hearts to tell our children No or discipline them, we do it to make them better human beings. I, personally, have disciplined my girls and retreated to my room so they couldn’t see me crying because it was hard to see the disappointment on their faces. A woman will get up at the crack of dawn, prepare herself and family for their day, endure a usually horrible commute, put up with a job which makes her miserable, repeat the commute to come home, cook dinner and check homework when she gets home, ensure her children are clean and put to bed and then get herself ready for bed to get up and do it all over again in less than 6 hours. Your co-worker may not be able to have children but dedicates her time to foster children as a way to give that motherly love to those who aren’t fortunate to have their own mothers.

The strength of a woman is something you could never measure because you don’t know all she endures on a regular basis. The woman you sit next to on the bus could be a victim of rape and abuse but she doesn’t broadcast it because it doesn’t define who she is as person. Your co-worker may not have eaten dinner last night because there just wasn’t enough food to feed her children and herself but she’d never mention it because that’s just what a woman does, she provides and ensures those around her are taken care of first. As a woman, we will put our own troubles aside to be there for a loved one in their time of need. There is nothing you can compare the true genuineness and strength of a woman’s heart, it gets broken beyond recognition but she still loves as though it’s never been damaged. When we are hurting, sad, or scared, nothing feels better than a loving embrace from a woman in our lives, it magically takes the pain and fear away.

No woman is perfect, we all have flaws of some sort but that’s what makes us fabulously unique in every form and fashion. We come in all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities but we all share a common bond of womanhood. I believe once we embrace the differences within each other instead of criticizing them, we will all come together as one. No woman is another woman’s competition, she is her sister and friend. We are not bitches and hoes, we are queens and divas. Let’s raise our glasses and toast to all of our fandamntasticness and continue to support and encourage one another in every area of our lives while raising our daughters with our values. Love you, Ladies!

 

Your life is going smoothly, you feel like everything has finally lined up the way it’s supposed to be, life is GREAT! You have a job you love which affords you the luxuries and lifestyle you desire and your children are doing quite well in school, you’ve even found someone to spend your life with. As you are enjoying every aspect of your life, there’s a crash in the market and you get laid off! Oh no! It’s okay, don’t worry, you are very skilled, experienced and talented, you’ll find another job in no time. That time takes longer than you’d like and now your once stable finances are depleted to support your household. You start stressing because life is beginning to suck big time but you try to remain positive because you still have your family. While you’re struggling trying to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table, one of your children gets suspended for fighting and the other one brings home terrible grades. With everything you have going on, you see the true colors of the person you thought would be there forever, you’re now fighting and arguing all of the time which puts even more stress on you. Before you know it, you’re unemployed with mounting bills trying to deal with the issues of your children and your relationship is dying a horrible death. You actually say out loud “Really world, REALLY? What ELSE could go wrong”? Well, ask you shall receive, BOOM, you lose a loved one!

Here’s how GOD and the universe work with you, yes with you, they are never against you. When you ask a question such as “What else could go wrong”? they see that as a wish of sorts, you want to know how much worse life can get and they do whatever they can to grant your wish. Yes, I understand no one wants to go further into the darkness but it’s all in what you say and how you say it. I’ve learned over the last couple of years not to ask about what could go wrong, that’s not my goal, my goal is for things to constantly improve. I have changed my wording to “How does it get better than this”? when something good happens in my life. It doesn’t have to be anything major in your life, if you are running late but you’re catching all the green lights, ask them “How does it get better than this”? and watch how things line up to get you there in time. If your children get good grades, ask and watch them continue to thrive. It’s all about wording and mindset of how your life goes…………………. #choices.

When it feels like we’re sitting in the pits of hell, our first instinct is to seclude ourselves, distancing ourselves from any and everyone who cares about us. The reasons we choose seclusion vary just as much as we do as individuals but here are the 2 main ones I have for myself: 1. I feel like a failure for not being able to support my family which carries shame and 2. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my issues because I know they are going through things in their own lives. I have learned this is a very selfish way to be due to the fact that those who care about you want to be there for you. You feel like this is your hell but, believe me, you’ll emerge quicker from the darkness with the help of others. Leaning on others during your darkest moments doesn’t make you weak, it actually shows your strength to be vulnerable and trusting. The help they provide varies just as much as the situation, some will be there financially while others are the shoulder you need to cry on.

When we love and truly care about someone, it hurts us to see them struggling and hurting and we’ll do anything we can to help them out of it. We don’t realize how selfish we are being when we shut someone out, it makes them feel rejected in a way you won’t understand until it happens to you. I consider myself to be a very nurturing person and sometimes the need to make sure someone I care about feels better comes across as pushy and invasive. I have learned that you need to give certain people some time on their own to figure things out, if you push too hard, they end up resenting and getting angry with you. It’s funny how we insist on being there for others but won’t let anyone near us in our time of need.

When we’re sitting in that pit of hell, feeling the flames of shame and depression burning around us, we can’t see any light because we’re stuck in our own heads, replaying what went wrong in every situation, even going back decades and thinking “If I had chosen that path at that time, I wouldn’t be here now”. The reality is, everything you are going through in life is supposed to happen the way it does to grow you into the person you are destined to be; you have to go thru it in order to grow thru it. I have been very fortunate to have people in my life who have given me a short time to sit on the pity pot and have my time to stew but it’s not a long time. They know if I’m left alone for too long, it’ll be harder to help me recover, I believe I have 24 hours at which point the phone calls commence. I’ve also been blessed to have people in my life who won’t let me push them away because they know I need them in my life during the hardest periods. Case in point, when it nears either the anniversary of my father’s passing or his birthday, I tell people I’ll be MIA for about a week to deal with my emotions but I have a couple of friends who told me, “No, not this year. We will not allow you to be alone and hurting, you have us”. I’m not going to lie, I tried hard to stay to myself but they made sure I wasn’t sad and alone. They made sure we were together as much as possible and allowed me to talk about him and cry if I needed but they were there for me and it meant so much to me. This is a perfect example of how we don’t fully understand the impact our simple gestures have on those we care about.

We are all going to go thru things in life, I get it, shit happens, there’s no way to avoid it but there are different ways to handle it. We all have a Phoenix within us who rises from the flames of hell only to come out cleaner and stronger than when we went in. You’ve been in the deepest depths of hell before but look at you now! You’re not the same person you were when you went in, you’ve learned and grown from the experiences. If you feel as though you’re repeating the same cycle over and over again, chances are you haven’t grown or learned from your experiences and it’s time to re-evaluate your choices in life. If you can’t keep a job in a certain field, it might be due to that not being the field you’re destined for, explore your passion and see where it takes you. If you can’t maintain a steady, successful relationship, maybe it’s the choice in the type of person you’re insistent on choosing which isn’t the person destined for you. Just because we are given free will doesn’t mean our choices don’t have consequences.  

When we are still, we will hear GOD and the universe speaking to us but some of us only hear or understand what we want and not what’s truly being told to us. We could be torn between 2 people to spend our lives with and are told, “Let them go”. In actuality, we hear, “Let go of the one whose love for you scares you” and cling to the one who seems easier and, guess what? You’re still not happy. We pray about our job and are shown other avenues but are too afraid of uncertainty that we stay in the job which brings us no joy and doesn’t grow us, we’re miserable but we have a paycheck, right? What makes you think if you followed your heart, GOD and the universe that you wouldn’t be happy? Sometimes the thing which scares you the most is the best thing which will ever happen to you. Happiness and fear can’t reside in the same place, don’t let fear occupy your mind, spirit or heart, you deserve all life has to offer.

 

As most of you know, I am single, was once married but have since divorced the father of my two beautiful daughters and very fortunate to be very good friends with my Wasband. Now that we have that out of the way, would someone please explain to me what this new-fangled dating stuff is all about because a sista is truly lost when it comes to dating.I’ve been on the dating scene for a couple years and it’s so different than prior to being married. The little bit of experience I’ve had dating is truly disappointing, depressing and discouraging which is why I’m still single. Some will call me a prude because I don’t go on one date and proceed to jump in bed with some nearly unknown guy, I’m looking and am worth so much more than a quick lay and so are you.

When did dating become all about sex first with the possibly getting to know each other later? I stepped out on a limb and followed the advice of a friend to give a particular guy a chance. I figured since he was older than me, he would have his stuff together and, for the most part, he actually did! However, just because he was over 50 years old with a steady and stable career, his own house, easy on the eyes, and actually a gentlemen…………………on the outside doesn’t mean he’s a keeper. When we had our first real date, he held my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “We need to have sex to get it out of the way and get to know each other”. Ummm, wait, hold up, WHAT?  Okay, if this is the “new” dating, I’ll be that spinster cat lady because I am not settling for nonsense such as that. I do not care how much money you have, how big your house is, or how many other women would love to date you, if you can’t show me respect, please step to the left because you are blocking my real Boo.

For me, taking a woman out on a date means actually planning it yourself from beginning to end; this is the way to gain my attention. I am in no way stating you need to spend a whole lot of money to pull this off because the best dates can cost under $15 but so many are worried about getting in our panties they believe the more they spend, the greater their chance of getting laid is. While this method may work for some, it doesn’t work for all of us, sorry, not sorry.Men have stopped trying because women have stopped demanding something other than a nice dinner in order to give up the goods. The funny thing is? Most women don’t even know what a good, get laid dinner is! Taking a woman to the Cheesecake Factory is not a get laid worthy meal. Yes, they have great food and even better dessert but really, is that all your goodies are worth? Some pasta and a slice of cheesecake? Where did the effort of courting disappear to? When did men stop trying to impress us? I guess they stopped trying when women became ‘independent’ and started doing for themselves. Here is another area I am, and will always be, an anomaly. I am a strong woman but I’m still a woman and deserve and demand to be courted and pursued. If you are waiting for me to saunter across the club to make the first move and buy you a drink? Make sure you don’t get hit when they begin putting the barstools on the bar at closing.

Women have become so strong and had to learn to do things on their own that any sort of romantic effort by men is seen as weak and inferior. Both genders have been so hurt and damaged by each other we either don’t appreciate the effort nor do we bother to put it forth to make another person feel special. I’ve sat with my friends as we discuss the crappy dates we’ve had to endure with men who don’t appreciate us for who we are. I’m blessed to have the people in my circle I do but am saddened this lazy dating is happening way too often to too many good people.However, all females are not like me and my friends and expect a man to go into debt to impress them with an extravagant date, believing the more he spends means the more he cares. This is so far beyond the truth but society has tainted our image of what courting and wooing a member of the opposite sex should consist of. I am very old school and believe a man should pursue a woman he is interested in but that’s not how society works nowadays. In present day, a guy wants a woman to approach him, buy him drinks and ask him out on a date. Huh? When did the roles do a 180? When did men stop being men and approaching women they’re interested in?

A girlfriend of mine got so tired of the lackluster effort being put forth by men, she actually created a Facebook page about it entitled: How to Date DC. She shares a multitude of ideas on inexpensive, sometimes free, ideas on dating with your heart and mind instead of your hormones. There are so many females who would prefer the bad boy who treats them like garbage that the good guys don’t even try anymore because they’ve been called corny or weak for believing taking a walk on the National Mall on a spring/summer evening was romantic and sweet. HEY! Don’t listen to Fun’quisha! That is a good date and means more than a lobster dinner at a fancy restaurant. In this day and age, if a man is not driving a certain, high dollar car, wearing name brand everything with his pants hanging off his ass and has an ignorant demeanor, majority of females don’t want them. Can I just say I’m glad I’m grown and not in my 20’s anymore because I don’t find a guy whose jeans are tighter than mine sexy? Okay, I digress.

To me, the best dates are the ones where you take a nice walk in a scenic area, usually near water, where you can talk and get to know each other. See, I’m not a foodie so some fancy restaurant won’t impress me. If you want to impress me, take me to ColdStone so I can get my favorite ice cream and eat it while we talk. May not always be pretty but dammit, I’m happy! GASP! Calm down, yes, I said TALK to one another. The further advanced technology becomes, the further we grow apart from one another, people are now breaking up via text message! They don’t have the cojones to speak to them face to face and break up with them, showing some semblance of dignity and the respect they truly deserve.

The art of dating has been lost in communication as well. When is the last time you actually spoke to someone on the phone every day? We are so technologically advanced we don’t know how to communicate, phone calls have been replaced by text messages or liking a status your loved one has posted. When was the last time you actually hand-wrote a letter to someone you care about? Yes, email and text are faster but they’re so cold and impersonal. When you take the time to pen a letter or even a card to someone, your love is in each stroke, you can’t say the same about an email or text.

Ladies, please don’t believe I’m speaking only to men right now, we have to do better as well. Men stop putting in the effort when they feel it’s going unappreciated. Even though I kind of demand the door be opened for me by the man I am with, I still say “Thank You” each and every time. When was the last time you planned a date with or even told your Boo how much you appreciate them? Too many of us sit around all day, month and year waiting for our mate to plan every outing for us, never putting forth the effort to even make a suggestion. Do you not think they get tired of always planning each and every detail, hoping you’ll be pleased enough with their effort you might actually put some forth? As harsh as this is going to sound, it’s not always all about you and it’s even less about you when you’re in a relationship with another person. Get it together and start making suggestions and planning outings that you know they like and will make them feel special because you expect no less from them, right?

I know it’s terrifying to be vulnerable with another person, you feel as though you’ll look like a corny, weak fool for doing something sweet. Trust me, there are people who appreciate the effort and will match it as long as they feel it’s appreciated. We all boast about being Kings and Queens but how are you ever going to find your royal partner if you’re giving up the most sacred part of yourself for a meal or some drinks? Let’s get back to courting and letting each other know we’re deserving of taking our time to actually get to know one another outside of the bedroom, you have so much more to offer than what rests between your legs; you have intellect, heart and passion for life. Being intimate is actually has nothing to do with sex, it’s about connecting on a mental, intellectual, spiritual and emotional level. So, check out my girlfriend’s page: How to Date DC get some ideas of what to do around town for next to nothing financially but everything emotionally. Go on out there and find yourself your Boo and woo their socks off!

Look at your Boo, they are fine, spark your soul and make you smile just by seeing their face, this is your end all be all of a partner. You click on every level and you feel complete when you are with them and empty when they’re not around.After some time, reality begins to set in and problems will arise within the relationship but you both get thru them with communication and you still believe this is forever. But alas, it’s not, there are problems no amount of communication are able to overcome. You know in your heart and soul it’s over but you stick around because your momma didn’t raise a quitter and you don’t want to hurt this person. Staying in a relationship after it’s already over and you’re done actually causes more damage to the both of you than ending it when you were both healthy. Now, this person who once looked at you with nothing but adoration and love saves the most painful stank eyes strictly for you. You’re no longer in a relationship because there is so much disdain and loathing you each do things to drive the other person further away so you can be the bad guy. Why did you stay?

The main reason I hear for people staying in miserable relationships is: the children. Hmmm, that’s never a good, legitimate or healthy reason to stay with someone who is now sucking every bit of goodness out of your soul. We don’t realize how resilient children truly are, we believe they are so fragile and we are messing up their lives if we are no longer with this person they’ve grown fond of. The person you are ending a relationship with is not always necessarily the other half of their beginning, it could be a boyfriend/girlfriend they got used to be around. You sacrifice your happiness and sanity because you are afraid of removing someone from their lives. Here’s my question to you: How would you feel if your child/children were in the same type of relationship you’re in for them? You won’t be the best person or even parent you can and should be if you’re miserable. Trust me, I’ve been there and learned the hard way but refuse to repeat that cycle, my girls and I deserve the best me at all times.

When I meet someone who is married or in a serious relationship, I ask them one simple question: Are you happy? I’m amazed how that one simple question changes their demeanor and expression. Prior to asking the question, they are light-hearted and having a good time, you can even see a sparkle in their eye, life looks good for them…………..on the outside. Once that question is posed, the light in their eyes dim and the misery is shown on their face and I have my answer before they can even utter a lie. I don’t know about most of you but at this point in my life, I want and settle for nothing less than happiness.

How happy are you if you do whatever you can not to be home with them? Don’t get me wrong, I understand and encourage everyone to maintain their own identity within a relationship, it’s crucial or you get lost and sacrifice who you are for the sake of being in that relationship. Maybe I just have a different ideal of what a relationship is, maybe I’m the anomaly here. When I was married, there was NO way my husband would be hanging out 4-5 nights a week, coming home intoxicated after midnight. But there are some who feel they need to be buzzed to go home and deal with life. If your home life is truly that good and happy, why aren’t you spending more time there? Did I lose myself during my marriage? Yes, I most certainly did because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do and it took me a lot longer than it should have to realize how wrong I was. I now know, understand and respect there is a healthy balance between hanging out and socializing with friends and spending time with your Boo.

Another reason people will stay in a relationship is for financial and materialistic reasons. They are with this person because they wouldn’t have the big house or cash flow to buy extravagant clothes, shoes, and purses without them. I’ve heard so many times how complicated it is due to sharing a house or business with their partner so they stay and do whatever they want as though they’re single. What makes you think you can’t have all of that without them? If you’re staying in a relationship for Louis Vutton, you’re in it for the wrong reasons and your soul will never rest easy. All of the items you’re able to purchase is not love or commitment to that person, it’s only satisfying a shallowness within you and that won’t last no matter how big your house or bank account is. For me, being with the person I love and loves me means so much more than money. Believe it or not, when you’re in a relationship for the right reasons, all of those things will actually come easy.Again, I guess I’m an anomaly in this area as well. I watched those I love have everything materialistic they could ever want but they were miserable and the relationship didn’t last because enough couldn’t be bought to make them happy. I learned never to sacrifice my soul for any amount of money.

Some people will stay in dead relationships because they feel this is what they’re supposed to do, where they’re supposed to be in life, regardless of their level of happiness. These people will get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t spark their soul because they are terrified of getting hurt again. This person was deeply in love with someone and it scared them so bad they refused to ever let anyone that close again. They seek someone who looks good on their arm, represents them well by not being ratchet in public and are good with their children but also not have the ability to get in that place of their heart they hold sacred. At this point, you’re not in love, you’re merely content with saying you have someone in your life as to not be alone. Fear is a terrible thing which prevents you from living a happy and full life. What’s the worst that could happen if you actually did stay with the person who ignited your heart as no one before them ever did? Answer? You could live the happiest life ever imagined but you’ve now missed out on it to settle for mediocrity with someone you haven’t that true connection with. Way to go!

I am a single divorcee’ who looks forward to getting married again. I know too many people who are stuck in dead end, miserable relationships for all sorts of reasons. I am an advocate for love and happiness in relationships, in no way am I a relationship killer or hater. I just believe everyone should be happy, that’s why we’re here, to find and live in our happiness. When I was having doubts and questions about my marriage, believing it was what I was supposed to do because it was GOD’S ideal, my cousin said something which changed my whole outlook and understanding: GOD never meant for you to live a life of misery. I can and do want happiness for everyone but I can never want it more for you than you’re willing to want it for yourself.

I love and believe in love but am also very aware of the many who settle for less just to say they have someone, a big house or their children are used to this other person. Life is too short to stay in a miserable, dead end relationship. Will you hurt by ending this relationship? Yes, but you’ll heal and have so much more than you ever dream of by allowing them and yourself to find your true happiness outside of each other. We have to love ourselves more in order to love and let another in and build a life together. A contented and fulfilled heart is visible on the outside as well as in. When you’re happy, you’ll never have to actually tell anyone, you’ll emit it in every action and facial expression and it’s contagious. Go on out there and start infecting others with your joy, love and happiness!

We all get older, it’s the natural course life takes. However, just because you’re gaining years doesn’t necessarily mean you’re maturing. When all you’re doing is growing older yet keeping your childish ways, you’re viewed as a girl, not a grown woman. You can tell a grown woman by the way she handles herself, children and business. The grown woman doesn’t need to be loud and obnoxious to be seen, her confidence and class keep a bright glow around her, she stands out amid the sea of loud, ratchet females. Trust me, you’ll see and notice her if she’s there and you won’t even have to look hard. You don’t need to physically see her crown to know it’s there.

I was blessed to grow up with role models such as Clair Huxtable.
Although she may have been a fictional character, she embodied what a woman should be and reminded me of my own mother. She carried herself with grace, class and dignity at all times. When she got upset, she didn’t holler and use every explicit word known to man, her tone got firm as she proceeded to eloquently make her point all while letting you know she meant every word she spoke. She worked a full time job and still doted on her children and husband with nurturing love and respect.

I’m very grateful my daughters had Michelle Obama as their role model of a strong woman who handled the stresses of being the public eye with style and grace all while being a mother to her daughters and wife to the President of the United States. She’s a woman who knows when to be serious and when she can be silly and enjoy herself and family. 

Until Michelle, recent generations didn’t have a role model to look up to, no one to embody what a classy woman truly was. With the lack of role models, these girls raised themselves and each other based on the ever increasing trashiness displayed on social media and ratchetness on reality shows. I mean, seriously, one of the most ‘famous’ females in pop culture is only famous because of her sex tape, she has no actual talent but has her own show making millions of dollars. Within one generational time span, we went from the majority of females who dressed with class and sophistication to painted on clothing, butt injections and ridiculous weaves with most aspiring to be twerking strippers as a career choice.  We all go thru phases of our lives when we’re girls and not women, it’s a growth period. I’ve been the indignant customer, speaking with a stank tone to wait staff because I wasn’t in a good mood and decided to take it out on the least suspecting person. In no way am I proud of my behavior but glad I made it thru that particular phase to make it over to this side of grown-ness.  It’s a process many fight and resist because growth isn’t always comfortable. Here’s my question: when a 50 year old woman causes a scene and gets loud and ratchet with another female for basically existing, is that not more uncomfortable than growth? Personally, being in the same vicinity and having to witness it is uncomfortable for me, can’t imagine what it’s like for those who are out with that 50 year old girl.

A woman takes care of herself, family and man, usually putting her family’s needs before her very own. A woman doesn’t get a man and always expect and damn near demand what he’s doing for her even though she’s not doing anything more than giving him Pillow Princess sex a couple times a month. A girl believes it’s all about her all the time, never taking time or consideration of someone else’s needs but her own. A grown woman cooks meals on a regular basis in her kitchen. Yes, there will be days/nights when you just don’t feel like cooking and order carry-out and that’s fine, just as long as it’s not every single day. I would never label myself a chef but I have the capability of throwing down in the kitchen because a grown woman raised me to do so. A girl will expect her man to take her out every day and night or even cook for her all the time because she more or less refuses to cook at all. Honey, not many of us feel like making a home cooked meal all the time but we do it because it’s what’s best for our family.

A grown woman knows that she doesn’t have to have her butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of her skirt, boobs popping out of her shirt, and stripper shoes on to be acknowledged as sexy. When a grown woman dresses up, she puts thought into every aspect of her entire ensemble, ensuring each piece compliments the other. A woman attending an adult affair dons a dress which compliments her figure without looking as though she should be standing on the corner accepting offers to ‘party’, subtle make-up accenting her greatest features without looking like paint thinner is required to remove it. Her shoes may be stilettos but they’re not clear stripper heels, and her choice of fragrance is subtle but noticeable and doesn’t make your eyes water when she passes by. A woman doesn’t need to say a word when she enters an event, her confidence speaks louder than someone announcing her entry over a microphone.Have you ever had a disagreement with someone and they stomp away like someone just stole their bike? This same person will have beef with you and take every opportunity given to have your name in their mouth talking trash about you. She will hold a grudge against you and give you the stank eye each time you’re in her presence like it’s going to crush your world. You guessed it, this is girl behavior because a woman will make an effort to discuss whatever the issue is to squash the negativity. There won’t always be resolution to every situation because when you’re grown and dealing with a girl, you’re on two different levels and their childish behavior will be prevent it. A grown woman will walk away from this situation with her head held high and continue to live her life and do for herself and family, praying for the person who is stuck on something so very insignificant and irrelevant to her overall well-being and peace of mind.

A girl will be the flyest thing in the club with her new weave, lashes, nails, dress and shoes, toting her $900 purse while her lights, gas and/or water have been cut off due to non-payment. Whereas a grown woman will sit in her home, sipping her wine in some comfy jammies watching TV in her well air conditioned or heated house instead of hitting the bar scene just to be seen. Everyone loves to have a good time hanging out, having a few drinks, and socializing with friends but it’s not always in the budget. There will be times you encounter an unexpected bill or a friend/family member who needs help financially and, if you respect this instead of shucking the responsibility to get drunk? Congratulations, you’re a grown woman, no longer a girl.

Grown women are mothers while girls are proud to be called Baby Mommas. Mothers have a civil relationship with the other half of their child’s/children’s DNA because they have the understanding it’s not about them, it’s about what’s best for their children. Baby Mommas are the ones who will key their child’s father’s car because she saw him with another female, always speaking down to him or make it harder for him to spend time with their child/children because he’s not spending time with her. Social media is not the place to air your dirty laundry and torrid affairs, a grown woman knows, understands and respects this. She will utilize her social media platform to grow her business and encourage others with drama free, inspirational quotes or funny memes. The girl is the one who thinks social media is the platform to tell everyone what her Baby Daddy did or didn’t do, call him a shiftless Negro and reel in other small minded girls to get sympathy and people to join in bashing him. The commenters may not even know him but will still call him out of his name and stroke her ego while bashing their own Baby Daddies.

The most unfortunate aspect of all of this is the fact not everyone will become grown in their lifetime, they’re too content with being loud, ratchet, ignorant and ghetto filled. To those of us who are grown women, understand you’re never done growing and will encounter rough periods to grow you more, don’t fight it, embrace it because it takes some rain to make a flower grow. Bloom on my lovlies!

 

We are all aware of the supposed most romantic day of the year which is rapidly approaching: VALENTINE’S DAY. We began being reminded of this two whole days after Christmas, some stores didn’t even wait until after Christmas to begin putting out all the heart shaped chocolate boxes, over sized teddy bears, jewelry specials and overdone red décor with cupid’s chubby butt hanging from the ceiling. Personally? I couldn’t possibly care less about Valentine’s Day and it doesn’t matter whether I’m single or in a relationship, it’s just another day on the calendar to me. Who are the greeting card people, florist and chocolate makers to tell you how and when to show your love and adoration for someone else? And, why should you wait for this one day out of 365 to show your love? Never made much sense to me.

The lack of enthusiasm for the ‘specialness’ of this one day didn’t begin when I became single, I felt the same way when I was married. My former spouse, affectionately referred to by me as ‘the wasband’, and I agreed if we weren’t showing love, adoration, affection and romance throughout the year, one day wouldn’t make the difference in our relationship. In fact, if that was the ONLY day we exhibited any of those traits, our relationship was in deeper doo-doo than we were aware. Even though our relationship didn’t last, lack of romance was not the key factor in the demise of it.

Romantic gestures aren’t always of a financial or materialistic nature. When you’re in a relationship, that good morning/good night text is a gesture so many overlook as being romantic. In a marriage, picking up your dirty draws off the floor and actually putting them IN the laundry basket means more than some chocolate. And if you actually wash, dry and fold an entire load of laundry without turning everything pink?! My heart’s aflutter with passion! A woman taking her man out to dinner on a Tuesday and picking up the check is another gesture too few do on any kind of basis. When our girls were younger, the wasband doing the nightly ritual of bathing and putting them in bed so I could relax touched my heart and meant more than some fancy meal at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day. Either washing and vacuuming out my vehicle or taking it to get detailed is yet another gesture of love and appreciation. Again, it’s the little things which mean the most in the game of love.

When you are single, this made up holiday can make you feel lonely and unwanted because all you see everywhere is couples looking so happy in love. You try to casually scroll thru social media and there are constant ads reminding you that you won’t be receiving any chocolate or flowers in a few days. To those in relationships, you have high expectations of your Boo doing something uber exciting, romantic and fabulous on that one day. For those providing the services, there is so much pressure shown via social media, tv and magazines, you want to make sure to spend and be creative enough to measure up to the hype of a fictional holiday. Yes, I called it a fictional holiday because we don’t get the day off work, children still go to school, therefore, it’s not a holiday. For 364 days of the year, there’s so much emphasis on learning to love ourselves but on this one day it’s about proving your love to another and lavishing then with gifts. Forget about yourself on February 14^th, it’s all about another person and how much you spend is supposed to show how much you care.I probably sound like a curmudgeon about love and romance but, in reality, I’m actually the sappiest and mushiest person you’ll ever meet when it comes to it. I just don’t like or agree with Valentine’s Day being dictated as the only day to show your love. Where’s all the romantic candies, jewelry and lingerie on August 12^th? What’s wrong with sending/receiving flowers or even just a single rose simply because it’s Tuesday and you were on their mind? Ever sent a card to your Boo’s job? Think about it, they’re sitting at work and go to check their mail slot, anticipating nothing more than junk flyers about seminars and there’s a handwritten envelope with their name on it with a card inside from you letting them know you are thinking of them. Yes, this is what I did for my wasband when we were married; I’d go and get a handful of the $.99 cards and spread them out over the month so he’d be surprised all the time. See? Sappy and I don’t even care, I embrace this quality about myself and welcome it with open arms and you should too. Never let someone make you feel corny for showing someone you care about them, it doesn’t make you look weak and, more importantly, it’s not about them.

Now that I’m single, I am not fazed by this one day, nor am I fretting and walking around moping because I don’t have a Boo to lavish roses and candies on me. I don’t sweat this day because I have no problem doing for myself. Now, some men will read that and believe I feel I’m one of those new-fangled independent women who claim they don’t need a man for sh*t, refusing to even let him hold the door for her to walk into a store or restaurant. HA! That’s so not me! When I am in a relationship or dating someone, I expect those doors to be opened for me, it’s how I was raised and what I demand. Again, something so small which makes a huge difference. Please understand, though, opening doors for a woman is more of a show of respect than a romantic gesture. If you’re only holding those doors open in an attempt to get laid, there’s nothing romantic about the reasoning behind it and doesn’t guarantee sex.

Now that that’s cleared up, let me get back to how I will and do spoil myself and why it’s so crucial I feel others should do the same. Before I had a cat who would eat them, I bought myself flowers on a regular basis because I like looking at them and they make me smile. I still buy flowers occasionally, now I just place them really high and inconvenient for the petal eater to get to but still in my constant line of sight. If I’ve had a long day or just want to feel pampered, I draw myself a nice bath with some bubbles and essential oils, light some candles and play soft music as I soak with a nice glass of wine and relax. If I want some chocolate, I’m going to get myself some chocolate, not wait on someone else to think of me and get it for me. Do I enjoy having a Boo do these things for me? Sure I do, who doesn’t? I just know I am fully capable of loving myself and refuse to let one made up holiday get me down because I don’t currently have anyone filling that role right now.

No matter your romantic situation at the moment, don’t let the pressures of that one day stress and depress you, making you feel you somehow inferior due to the standards of the greeting card industry. No one can dictate what romance is to you because what makes me smile may piss you off and hold no emotional value, we’re all different. Keep doing for yourself and those you love every single day of the year, don’t wait until you see the cherub once a year to attempt to put forth some effort. Oh, wait, there is something I do like and appreciate about Valentine’s Day: 75% off of all the candy on February 15^th!  See you on the clearance aisle next Wednesday, I’ll be the one with the cart full heart shaped clearance items!

 

Have you ever been having a conversation with a loved one and it goes south extremely fast? One minute you’re laughing and joking and the next they are yelling at you with no restraint on their words? This same person you would give your life for is saying things which indicate they wouldn’t do the same because they are angry. First thing I would like to say is: no matter how angry you may get, it is never okay to speak unfiltered with no consideration for the person you are speaking to. I understand getting upset and wanting to hurt them with your words the way they are hurting you but all that results in is broken spirits, hurt feelings, further misunderstandings and damage to an otherwise healthy relationship.

There are people who believe that once they get off their chest all of their transgressions, anger and resentment, their slate is wiped clean. They never take the time to see the damage they have caused in their wrath, all that matters is they were finally able to release some pressure. I guess I’m the anomaly here because I don’t argue, it’s a waste of my time and energy. Will I raise my voice? Yes, in an attempt to be heard by the person screaming at me and for the yelling to stop. The back and forth yelling, cussing and spewing of insults is juvenile and I’m grown, therefore, not my circus, not my monkeys.

We all have growing to do, if we didn’t, we would no longer be here. Thru my own transgressions and growth, I’ve learned how truly vital communication and forgiveness are in order to move forward. When we hurt others, it is our responsibility to clear up the misunderstanding and ask for forgiveness from them. Now, depending on the act, forgiveness may not always be granted but that’s okay, everyone isn’t going to forgive you but your acknowledgment of your wrong doings will help you. Once you take the step to apologize for hurting someone, you grow as a person and it will open unexpected blessings. Asking another for forgiveness involves taking a good look in the mirror and owning your faults and actions in that situation. I believe that’s why a lot of people never take that first step, they’re afraid to actually see how ugly and mean their actions have made their character. When you look in the mirror, you see your character and flaws, not what’s on the outside for the world to see. Pride is stronger than the willingness to do right and that’s why pride is 1 of the 7 deadly sins. Pride will prevent you from living a peaceful life and having all it has to offer. When you are prideful, you refuse to apologize first, feeling if you do that it makes you weak in some way so, you stand firm and behave like a spoiled brat, with crossed arms and pouty lips.

There are people I have come across in my life who will do wrong towards me and go about their merry way, never taking accountability for the destruction and damage they have caused. When some people wrong you, they expect to automatically be forgiven and have their slate wiped clean with you and expect you to act as though nothing ever happened. When they don’t take time and consideration to truly clear up any issues, they’re only leaving behind a mess, their wrongdoing isn’t erased fully, remnants of your pain and hurt feelings are scattered about.  When the shoe is on the other foot and their feelings are hurt by something you’ve said, this same person never grants you the forgiveness you seek and will hold it against you for what feels like eternity. How is that? They expect and damn near demand forgiveness for their actions and words against another person without even offering so much as a “My bad” but don’t offer that same level of forgiveness when the exact same thing happens to them? This is a mentality I will never claim to understand, it’s not a thought process I ever want to be comfortable with possessing and acting upon.

I am a very sensitive and emotional person, when those I care about verbally hurt me, it cuts me deep because I feel betrayed as well. The analogy which I like to use is viewing the other person and their feelings as a piece of rare, fine China, something equivalent to a family heirloom. You wouldn’t carelessly shatter an heirloom, would you? No, you would handle it with extreme care, making sure it remained in pristine condition at all times. If you were to drop this heirloom and it shattered, it would affect you deeply because you know it can’t be replaced and would never be the same even if you put all the pieces back together. Well, that’s the same thing with people and their feelings and emotions, they are just as precious, rare and fragile. When you hurt another person’s feelings with your words and actions, you are shattering that heirloom, pieces going everywhere. Unfortunately, there are those who will look at the damage and step right over it, expecting you to put it back together yourself. If you are fortunate, you will have those who stay with you and help you repair your ‘heirloom’ as best you can together. These are the keepers and ones who care about your feelings and well-being. The other ones? They are concerned about themselves and their own well-being and irritated you are taking time to actually put those pieces back together.

We are responsible for our words and actions because they affect everyone we come in contact with. If GOD grants us forgiveness by us merely asking for it, why can’t we, as HIS children, behave the same? If your creator has the heart, love and faith in you to absolve you of your wrongdoings because you request it, who are you to deny your brothers and sisters when they come to you asking the same? But here’s the biggest thing, you have to actually ASK Him, He’s not just going to grant you that forgiveness because you’ve moved on, it doesn’t work that way. It’s the same way with people, you have to go to them, own your wrong and ask for their forgiveness.

GOD grants you forgiveness and erases the sin from your record, however, you are still held accountable for being a less than stellar person when you were dealing with another human being. Your wrongdoing is forgiven but not forgotten. This is where the relentless beast best known as KARMA steps in and she doesn’t play! No matter how much time has passed, you will still have to deal with your actions and wrongdoings, it’s the way of life.The next time you find yourself in a situation which is getting heated, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before you react out of anger and ignorance. Yes, those who only know how to *ahem* communicate by yelling and putting another person down, they are ignorant and childish. I know no one likes drama but sometimes that drama and pettiness comes to you to enable you to grow by not reacting in the same manner. While it’s hard to always be the bigger person, understand He wouldn’t bring you to it unless He planned to bring you through it. The best defense mechanism you can display when someone is confronting you with anger is remain to calm. If someone were watching from the outside in, they wouldn’t be able to tell who the fool was if both of you are yelling back and forth, no matter if you’re only trying to defuse the situation or not. So, straighten your crown and handle yourself as only a king or queen should, with nothing but dignity, grace and self-respect.   

 

At some point in every person’s life, they’ve dealt with some sort of body image issue. Maybe you felt you were too short or too tall *I’ve been there*. Maybe you felt as though you were too light skinned or dark skinned *been here too*. Maybe you have a birth mark which is very prominent, causing you to be self-conscious. The most common body image issue we all share is our weight and physique, some may be heavier while others are thinner and most never seem to be happy with their bodies. The saddest part about having body image issues? They’re not an inside job, someone on the outside took much time and effort to try to break your spirit by shaking your confidence in yourself. Being a tall, light skinned female who was relatively thin until having my daughters, I seemed to be some sort of target for those who looked different than I did. Today, I am confident in my appearance and anyone who doesn’t like it doesn’t have to look at me. It took me a long time to reach this level and I proudly and confidently fight daily to stay here and maintain it. Those who are so insecure within themselves believe picking out made-up flaws of another will somehow make them seem more attractive to those around them. The reality? If you’re a cruddy person inside, it doesn’t matter how much make-up, name brand clothes and weave you wear, it’s your soul and character which are dirty and nothing but a change in attitude will beautify such.

Now, here’s even more reality, most of our body image issues stem from a male who doesn’t have their own physique in tip top shape but will point out every imperfection he can find on your body. At this stage in my life, that is actually laughable to me and will be displayed as such. That whole ‘being broken down about my physique by a man who looks about 7 months pregnant’ crap? Yeah, been there, done that and never returning! I am in no way stating I am perfect but I love me and my body. This body has created and brought forth life twice and I take pretty good care of it, it’s the only one I’m gonna get. You can’t break someone who grows humans within their body.

So, when I was told I was, not appeared, chunky in a 2 year old picture, the old me pushed her way to the forefront and kirked out a little bit. Am I proud of how I responded? Am I proud I let someone get under my skin so much I stepped outside of who I’ve become? Hell no! HOWEVER, their lack of concern for my feelings and their ignorance needed to be called out and the old me did just that.

Here’s what truly gets my goat: men search for absolute perfection in a mate, she must be a certain size, her breasts must be perky, no cellulite whatsoever, and cud LAWD don’t have stretch marks because that will truly send them running! All the while, he’s sitting there looking 16 months pregnant with stretch marks himself, a farmer’s tan which causes his torso to look like a piece of notebook paper while his arms and face are golden, twig sized legs which make you wonder how they have yet to snap under the pressure of the weight of his belly and ego, crusty, nasty ass toes, scruffy facial hair, and usually in need of a haircut. See? We can pick men apart just as they do us but we seem to be so worried about appearing attractive and desirable to someone who doesn’t have their shit halfway together we stay silent.

Some of us care too much to make another person feel as they’ve made us feel so, we say nothing in return when we’re picked apart.  Due to having been made to feel less than because of how I look, I don’t have the heart to hurt someone in the same manner. However, if you come for me when I haven’t sent for you, you are actually asking me to tell you about yourself. What I find absolutely comical about turning the tables on a verbal bully is that, if you look hard enough? You might actually be able to see that lone tear welling up in their eye because they can’t take it. And, yes, anyone who body shames you is verbally abusing you and you do not have to take it, you are beautiful the way GOD created you and don’t let an insecure, scruffy, pregnant man ever make you feel differently.

I guess this whole thing bothers me so much because I’ve never put another human being down to make myself seem or feel better. I live by the old adage of “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. And even still, living by that, I will find something to compliment another person on because we all need as much positivity as we can get to defeat the negativity constantly spewed at us. No one, not even your parents who gave you life, has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. It’s easy to say “Don’t mind them” or “They’re just jealous because they want to look like you” but it’s hard to believe it when you’re the one hearing “You’re chunky” or “You’re pale” “Your butt is flat” or “You’re too dark to wear this or that”.  While I may be able to ignore such ignorance, I’m raising teenage daughters whose skin has yet to get as thick as mine and do whatever I can to instill positivity in them to defeat the negative comments others tell them about themselves.

We all have our preferences of what we do and don’t like on a potential mate. Me? Personally, I like my man to have front teeth but there are those who like to slip their tongue thru it, maybe it’s erotic or something, I don’t know.  Even though there are features on some I may not find attractive, there are those who are searching for them. And while it’s not my cup of tea, I would never make someone feel bad about it because it’s not my place to try to destroy someone else’s self-esteem and image of themselves. As long as you are happy with yourself, who am I or anyone else to make you feel as though it’s not cute, attractive, appealing, sexy or even okay? Exactly, no one, that’s who. The only person you need to worry about being happy with your appearance is the one looking back at you in the mirror, make her proud and flaunt all of you! 

There are times when one’s weight may cause health issues and that is when it becomes a concern of mine because at that point, you’re risking your life for food and your life is way more valuable than some dessert or pasta. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t do the gym and sweating thing, just not who I am anymore but if I have a friend who is trying to get in shape, I will go with them to keep them company and motivate them. Sometimes, we just need that one person in our corner to push us and make us believe in ourselves again and I’m that friend to the end.

The next time you feel the urge to say something negative or derogatory about another person’s physique or appearance, think about how it would feel if it were your flaws being pointed out and put on display by someone you cared about. It’s all about common sense, people! It boggles my mind that so few people have an adequate amount of couth and consideration when it comes to speaking to another person. You may think you’re being cute and funny by making someone else look bad but the reality is you’re the one who is seen as you truly are: ignorant, rude and mean.

You lay in your bed, crying alone, trying to disappear, missing that one person who touched every facet of your entire being, from your mind to your soul to your passion. Some of those tears come from you beating yourself up for falling in love with someone who didn’t appropriately reciprocate your feelings. Understand this up front: love is never stupid and neither are you for loving someone. We’ve all been there, hurting and crying because our hearts physically ache for the love we believe we lost. In all reality, you didn’t lose anything, you’ve actually gained a lot. Yes, I know when you’re going thru the pain, it feels like you’ve lost your world but believe me when I say, you’re going to be able to look back and see what you learned and gained from that experience.

When we lose someone close to us thru some sort of a break up, we only exam what we believe we did wrong to drive that person away, we are our own worst critic. Thru heartbreak, I’ve come to learn to see that the person who I would have died for just wasn’t ready to accept my love and devotion at that level. I love hard and I’m okay with that because I know there is someone out there for me who will actually love me harder. So many people I speak with struggle thru the loss of a relationship in their lives and I refuse to allow them to beat themselves up over someone who either didn’t see how golden she was or just wasn’t ready to give her everything she desired and deserved. We all desire and deserve utter happiness with a mate, each and every one of us, you are no different. Straighten your crown and walk in your glory, Kings and Queens.

In speaking with a girlfriend of mine, I realized I went thru my similar heartbreak when I did so I would be able to help her today. I struggled, cried, and hated thru my heartbreak but I did it alone because I felt had I told anyone, they’d think I was stupid. I mean, how could they not? Here I was crying over a man who didn’t want to be with me, never realizing the gem I am was actually too precious for him. I grew thru that pain and what I found on the other side amazed even me. I found my worth on the other side of that heartbreak. Please don’t think it was easy because I’d be lying if I said I woke up and said, “Hmph, screw him, he’s not worthy of all my fabulousness” because I didn’t and if it ever happens again, tears will still be shed and pain will still be felt, it’ll just be different for me next go ’round.

Thru my heartbreak, I’ve learned not to dive head first into situations. No longer am I planning a future with someone after 2 great dates or spending every waking hour thinking about them and wondering if they’re thinking about me. I am and will always be a hopeless romantic and take chances on love but I’ve learned to be smarter about it. Thru my heartbreak, I’ve learned what I will and won’t settle for, I know what I want and deserve and, dammit, I’m gonna get it! I’m not willing to settle for less than I deserve and desire just to say I have someone, I want and will have my Happily Ever After but I’m also not out here kissing a lot of frogs, dogs and users to find it. We stay in our heartbreak longer than necessary because we don’t want to be lonely. We want that eternal date to movies, weddings, family gatherings, the nighttime strolls thru the park and there’s nothing wrong with that. The only time there is an issue is when you settle in being with someone just to say you have someone or so you don’t show up solo or feeling less than because you ask your girlfriends to do things. Having someone on your arm at events doesn’t mean anything if they aren’t touching your soul and making you feel special. When you have someone who touches your soul, it will feel like no one else compares but the one who’s truly meant for you will have the balls to deal with you and all of your imperfections and love you that much more.

Here’s where I feel many future relationships are sabotaged following a break up: we don’t let anyone close because we hold on to the hope that our Boo will come back, we don’t want to get too close and not have a way out. Some will deal with those who are unavailable because we know there’s no real chance of it moving forward or us getting too attached because the last time we got attached to someone, they broke our heart. Some never take the time they need to heal from a heartbreak before they are jumping into another serious situationship with someone else. Then you have those who will mega date so they can cause pain to others since they’re hurting ~ hurt people hurt people.Their ‘dating’ existence is nothing more than a series of hook-ups, booty calls and one night stands. A very good friend of mine once told me: Two half people don’t make for a whole relationship, it only makes for a fucked up situation. It took me a moment to fully grasp what she was saying but I got it. When you don’t deal with your broken heart and give it time to heal, how are you going to offer it to someone else? The only person who can heal you is you. When you put that burden on someone else who, themselves, aren’t whole, no healing actually happens within either of you. When you take on the responsibility of helping someone else heal their broken heart, your needs never get met because it is a never ending cycle.

Does being single sometimes feel lonely? Yeah, it does SOMEtimes. Going to bed alone, no one to hold you in your times of need, no steady person to take you on dates and all that, yes it sucks sometimes. You want to know what sucks more? Being with someone and feeling lonely and lonely in a relationship which has no true feeling, meaning or value is an even lonelier feeling. There are benefits to being single as well: being able to come home and not have to hear someone else’s mouth due to their insecurities; if you want to use your weekend to veg out and watch Hallmark or Lifetime in the bed, you can; have a fat girl weekend where you eat nothing but ice cream and junk food; being able to pass gas whenever the need arises; using the extra space on your bed for your snacks; you get the point! You need to find the person who lets you do the second set of things without bitching, moaning, groaning or complaining. Don’t seek someone who just fulfills an empty space in your room/house, be with someone who fills and nurtures the empty space in your heart and soul.

I am alone but I’m not lonely because I have and learned to love myself; I’m blessed to have people who love and care about me. I fully understand I’m to utilize this time so I will be ready when my Boo is ready to sweep me off my feet and give me the love I’ve only dreamed of. Feeling lonely is a façade, it’s not real, you are merely missing someone and the superficial things you believe will make you whole and happy.
Your alone time is the universe’s way of saying “Look inside, dear one, and embrace yourself, there and only there will you find the ultimate happiness and love you desire”. When you understand and accept all you are, you will experience the greatest love there is and settle for nothing less with anyone else.Love yourself and only accept those who add to your love and joy to your life, mind, body, spirit and soul. Too many times we get caught up in some good dang-a-lang and think it’s love when it’s not. When you take your time to heal and wait for the person who touches your soul, the climaxes you receive and achieve will put the other experiences to shame. When you connect with someone who is for you, nothing will feel forced, it will all flow naturally. Give your heart and self time to healand embrace who you are today because you’re not the same person you were when you entered and endured that last relationship and you need to get to know the gem you are right now.

I know there are many who make fun of my guilty pleasure of ratchet reality tv but last night, there was a scene which spoke directly to today’s subject: Support. One of the main characters was having severe financial issues but didn’t tell anyone, she thought she could handle it on her own and her pride got in the way of reaching out before things got to be too much. The issues became too much and she mentioned what was going on to her friend who asked her “Why didn’t you come to me before it got this bad”? I can answer that for her: PRIDE.  

At some point in everyone’s life, they need some type of support. The support can vary from emotional to financial to even physical or it could be a combination of all three. There will be times when you are the supporter and others when you need the support, it happens to the best of us. It is in the moments of need we learn about who people truly are by the way they offer their support.

When the need for support arises and someone comes to you in a time of need, how you respond in that initial moment shows a lot about your character. Do you offer support with a lecture or advice? Do you sit there patiently listening to the situation at hand, never offering an unwarranted opinion? Do you offer support with no strings attached? Which of these people are you?

It is hard for a lot of us to go to someone and say “I need help”, pride is a monster and will have us struggling more than we need to.  Pride makes us believe if we can’t handle everything on our own, we are somehow a failure of sorts. If we lose a job and money is tight, we will go without eating as long as we can instead of telling our loved ones how hard it truly is, we don’t want to disappoint them. We also are less likely to share our hardships because the people we need help from are also the same ones who have lectured us whenever we have fallen on hard times.

Here’s the fact of the matter: no one falls on hard times on purpose, shit happens and it happens to every one of us at some point and time in life. Do you really think responsible adults are happy to be unemployed with no idea how they are going to keep their lights on, gas in their vehicle, pay their car note, keep a roof over their heads, and food on the table? Now, don’t get it twisted, there are some lazy folks out there, I get that but they’re not the ones I’m referring to right now…………….and, honestly? I don’t think I’ll ever address them. Companies downsize and change management all the time which affects the employees’ livelihood but it’s not the company’s concern how you’re going to feed your family because it doesn’t affect their overall numbers.

When someone has fallen on hard times, the last thing they want to hear is a lecture on why they are in that position. Some people have a tendency to kick others while they’re down because they’re already close to the ground, forgetting the times they had nothing and someone else was going into debt to pay their bills for them. No one is above a struggle, no matter how hard we may try, NO ONE! When someone comes to you in a time of need, understand how hard things truly are if they are swallowing their pride to even tell you how hard it is. There are people in my life who’ve been less than stellar in the support department because of the lectures which come with their support.

Personally? I don’t feel as though you’re truly supportive if you are making someone feel lower than ant piss with a lecture. I guess I’m just a different type of person and owe it to those who’ve kicked me when I’ve been down because that’s the last thing I would ever do when someone reaches out to me.

If someone comes to you about a situation which was traumatic to them, they’re doing so to share and keep you involved in their lives, not for you to solve it with your line of questioning and judgements such as: Interrupting while they speak on the situation. Asking questions and making statements such as: Why were you there? Well, why did you drink? What were you thinking? I thought you knew better than to get yourself in that type of situation but I guess I was wrong. The worst thing you could ever say is: Hmph, I don’t know why you didn’t listen to me from the beginning, you’d never be in this situation if you listened to me. Really?! That’s what you’ve got for me? An “I told you so”? For those who are unaware, that is NOT how you support someone who’s been through something traumatic. Some don’t understand how many times those they care about struggle and suffer through traumatic experiences just so they don’t get a lecture as to why they’re in their current predicament. These types of reactions are why so many women don’t report date rape, they’re made to feel as though it’s their fault because they were on a date with someone they knew and sex was always a possibility. Trust me, when you agree to go on a date with someone, you are not agreeing for it to end in sex and sincerely feel and believe your “No” would be respected.

People’s actions and what feels like a lack of concern is what builds walls and tensions between those they were once close with. I’m the type of person who is known as the giver of many chances because my thought is: where would I be if I’d never received a 2^nd or 3^rd chance? I never want to make someone feel alone in their struggle because I’ve been there. The type of support I’ve received has made me a better person with others in their time of need because I know what it’s like first hand.

You will also have people in your life who offer you such support it’s hard for you to accept and fathom due to the lackluster support you’re used to receiving. When you’re used to getting a lecture and being told, in so many words, you’re a screw up when you reach out, you don’t know how to act when someone offers help with no strings attached. There are so many cruddy people in this world and directly in our lives, we always think everyone wants something for their help. Well, I’m here to tell you, there are genuine people who just want to help you. It’s truly sad that those you turn to first and think would help you aren’t the ones who are there for you the most.

Back to my reality tv episode: the one who needed help had gotten her car repossessed because she had left a corporate job to follow her dreams and was having problems making ends meet and her boss, who is also a very good friend, gave her the money to get her car and drove her where she needed to go. It touched my heart because he was just there for her as he told her, “We’ve all been here before” and shared his personal experiences with her. He stated, “I’ve watched my mother’s car get repossessed and had my own taken away and felt the same as you. I knew I never wanted to feel like that again and did what I could not to”. And then he said the words which mean more than people understand when they’re spoken from a genuine heart: Don’t worry, you will be okay. I’m here for you and you have others who love and care about you, all you have to do is tell us what’s going on. Her tears of gratitude melted my heart because it felt personal with me to have someone willing to help you with no strings attached, they want to help because they care about you.

When someone you were once close with stops reaching out and sharing what they’re going through, please understand they didn’t come to that conclusion and action all their own, you gave them the blueprint of what to share. We all have the ability to either break someone down or build them up, the choice is 100% yours. I don’t know about you but my mission is to always build another up, even if I don’t have the money they need, there are other ways I’m able to support them. Sometimes just being there for someone, listening as they cry and vent is all they need to move forward with belief in themselves that it’s not the end of the world. It cost nothing to be kind and build another human being up with words of encouragement. Next time someone comes to you in need of support, take a moment to think how you would feel if they came at you the way you’re coming at them. I promise it will change your response and make you a better human being.

There comes a point in time in everyone’s life when the pressures of life and expectations are too much to bear. The pressure of being perfect at all times is more than one can bear and a heavy load to carry. When that pressure gets to be too much, we retreat to the place which gives us the most comfort, our dark place.

That dark place is more familiar to some than it is to others and some seek professional help because they can no longer find joy in the simplest things in life. When you can’t find your way out of the funk or it last for more than a couple days, there’s a chance you’re experiencing mild depression. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, it happens to the strongest of people.

Depression has been such a taboo subject in families of all races and nationalities for centuries, it carries the label of shame which is why so many suffer alone and in silence. Having to deal with depression alone only makes it that much worse because you already feel bad about yourself for not being able to handle life and now you have no one to talk to about it without paying for therapy. Our loved ones care about us but, if they haven’t personally dealt with our degree of depression, they are unable to empathize and understand why you burst out in tears and retreat to your private space or seem to be snippy and in an argumentative mood. When you’re depressed, sometimes it sneaks up on you and you can’t truly figure out what’s wrong which makes it that much harder to talk about.

The hard reality is that no one is exempt from suffering from depression, it doesn’t discriminate. The people we look at who have the least also tend to be the happiest because they are appreciative for everything they have. Whereas, some of the richest people are the most miserable because no amount of material possessions fill that void which makes them feel unfulfilled with life. Depression could be spawned by the ending of a relationship or losing a job and wondering how you’ll survive from day to day or the anniversary of the death of a loved one. Your genetic makeup can also be a contributing factor, in this instance, it’s more of chemical imbalance which is triggered by certain experiences. I will own and admit I have suffered from serious bouts of depression and did so silently, without anyone close to me even knowing. Being an introvert, no one took notice or concern when I stayed to myself because that was my usual behavior.I feel like I am the poster child for therapy because I’ve had many stints over the course of my life and sitting down talking to a therapist never got me out of my funks. What I gained from therapy was an understanding of how my thoughts about things that were happening were controlling me and how to take that power back. I learned the hard way, medication is not always the answer to resolving depression, it is not a cure, it merely puts a band-aid on the problem by numbing your emotions. There was a point in my life when the meds I was on just made me emotionally numb, I was unable to smile, cry, be happy, sad or even get angry. I realized, not only did my daughters deserve much more from me, I also deserved to feel life. They deserved a mother who got joy from seeing them happy and hearing them laugh so I got off my meds to be the best mother and person I could be and haven’t looked back.

When you’re depressed, you feel hopeless and as though you are a burden on others, you get trapped in your own head of negativity and it feels as though there is no way out. This is where mental strength and determination need to come in to play, getting out of depression is an inside job, no one can get you out but you. Trust me, when you’re in those dark periods, it’s hard to get out because all you think of are the things you’ve done wrong, could have done differently or better and maybe, just maybe things would have turned out differently for you. The reality is this, there is no “UNDO” button in life, we can’t go back and change the past, all we can do is acknowledge, learn from it and move forward with the life we have been blessed with. Everything that happens in your life occurs to grow you into the strong, wonderful being HE created you to be, take a moment and celebrate.

If you’ve never suffered from true depression, it’s hard to empathize when someone close to you is going through it. I’ll share some tips on how to be there for someone who’s going thru a dark period in their lives:

• Sometimes we just need someone there while we cry, we don’t need to talk about anything, just cry. If you can’t handle seeing someone cry, please don’t offer your shoulder for their tears.
• Understand we are not looking for anyone to fix the situation or solve the problem, there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s our cross to bear.
• Please don’t give your opinion unless it is asked for. Now, I know this is hard for most of us because we feel like we can see the solution and want to share to help our loved one but it’s not always welcome.
• Just listen, sometimes all we need is a sounding board or someone to vent to who will just nod and say, “I see” “Mmm hmm, then what”? It doesn’t even matter how wrong we may have been, sometimes we just need to say it out loud to understand our actions to move past it.
• If you can’t separate your personal feelings from the situation and listen without judging, please don’t offer your time or ear. The last thing needed is being judged when we already feel lower than dirt.
• Retail therapy always helps. Drinking, not so much. Alcohol is a depressant and will only intensify the depression and make us sadder.
• Be present, when you are around them, be there with and for them in the capacity which they allow you to be. Sitting in the same room with them doesn’t count if you’re paying more attention to your phone than your loved one.

There may be other ways you’ve helped your loved one thru their darker periods and I encourage you to keep up the good work. There are so many scriptures and sayings of encouragement that we already know and all I suggest is for you to refer back to them when things seem bleak. The most important aspect I hope you gain from this is you are not alone, if you ever need an ear, sounding board or even shoulder to cry on? I’m here for you because I know what it’s like to suffer alone and wouldn’t want anyone else to go thru that. Understand you are bigger and better than whatever is intimidating, scaring or hurting you.

Take my hand, put on those hot ass shoes and let’s walk out of the darkness together. 

Well, it’s another Friday night and you’re sitting in the house, no plans and totally content with your own company. You scroll thru social media and see friends’ posts of their active social lives and remember when this was you, when you were out every free evening you had drinking and socializing, living it up. Now, here you sit on the couch, in your sweats, munching on popcorn, watching movies or reality tv and fall asleep before 10 o’clock.What’s happened to you? When did you become this hermit who only leaves the house to go to work or run errands? Where did your social life go? When’s the last time you actually went on a date or to a happy hour?

A bad relationship is usually the main culprit which causes us to retreat into our shells, shutting out the world and whatever it has to offer because it’s the people and situations within the world which caused our pain and soured us. A soured relationship could be romantic, friend or even familial. When there’s strife within any of those, the pain we feel is so deep because they’re all attached to our hearts which we try so hard to protect. Once we’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone we love, a wall begins to be erected around our heart and fear of being hurt again only solidifies that wall, making it harder for us to let anyone else in ever again.

The problem is, 9 times out of 10, we don’t even realize this wall is being built and try time and time again to carry on some semblance of healthy relationships but are unable to let anyone close to us again out of fear of losing yet another piece of our hearts and our hearts shattering completely.In speaking with a friend, he shared with me he no longer knows how to court someone, he lost interest in even trying after he lost someone close to him and he’s more content with staying in the house than risking meeting someone new. The thing is this, we all need love in our lives, not just the love from our children or families, we need that romantic love, the one that makes us feel complete. Romantic love touches places in your soul which make you feel alive and as though life is worth living, without it, we’re merely existing each day.

Now, I know some of you will say “I don’t need anybody, I love myself  and that’s all I need” and that statement is true and vital, you must love yourself in order for someone else to come in and love the real you. But putting on the facade of being happy and not needing or even wanting anyone long enough, makes you realize you’re not, you’re lonely and broken but it feels safer not to care than to try.
When you don’t take time to heal your wounds and past pains, you’re not whole or even open to fully accepting all love and life have to offer. A very good friend of mine once told me “Two half people don’t make for a whole relationship, it only makes for a f*cked up situation”. It took me a minute to comprehend what she was saying but then it clicked, if I’m damaged, I’m only able to give half of myself and when I meet someone in the same situation, how is that relationship successful? We end up spending more time fighting our own demons, blaming each other, arguing about petty things, and lacking trust in them all because of the pain someone else caused and left behind than we are connecting and loving one another. These unresolved issues will only grow deeper and deeper, building a wall between the 2 of you and eventually be the demise of what could have been a good relationship had you both taken a little more time to heal.

I will be the first to admit I want love in my life, I deserve it dammit and I know I’m not alone in my desire! We all want those good morning and good night texts which let us know we’re the first thing on their mind when their eyes open and the last thing on their mind before they close them, we want dinner and movie dates or just sitting in the house binging on junk food while watching movies or football on a Sunday afternoon snuggled with him, we want someone to go to museums/family gatherings/walks in the park with, someone to be our silly selves with, that one person whose hug puts all our broken pieces back together. We can want and desire this all day long but if we’re not doing anything to get it, what’s the point? How will you ever receive any of this by being a hermit? You’re not actually protecting yourself, you’ve just shut down and given up on any possibility of it actually happening. Wanting without action only deepens the void of love within us.

The reason so many of us are so unhappy and unfulfilled in our love lives is because we are letting fear dominate love and those 2 emotions cannot co-exist in the same space. While love is may be the stronger of the 2, fear is the easier one to give in to because if you fear something, you just won’t do it, there’s a sense of control but not with love. No matter how much you try to fight it, love is uncontrollable and many of don’t like that feeling of not being in control of every emotion and aspect of our lives. Sweetie, it’s time to loosen that grip and give in to love or just begin with giving in to the possibility of liking someone and letting them get to know you, if it doesn’t work out? It just doesn’t work out and you can move forward knowing that at least you tried. My parents always taught me that nothing beats a failure but a try, if you don’t try, you’ve already failed.

The issue with finding that love is being willing to take the risk to meet someone, to let them in to that once bright, shining, welcoming space of your undamaged heart which has now darkened from the damage it’s sustained. Here’s my question to you: What’s the worst that can happen? Say you actually get dressed in something other than lounge wear/sweats, go out one evening and see someone who’s easy on the eyes, do you dare strike up a conversation with them or do you continue to sip your drink alone, satisfied with the fact you left the house? I’ll ask again, what’s the worst that could happen if you engaged in a conversation with him? Will you die? Will anyone close to you die? No? Well, seriously, what do you have to lose? If there’s no connection and he’s a dullard, eh so what, you’re not married or committed to him, he’s someone you met at a bar and can just as quickly and easily get in your car, go home and put your sweats back on. Reality is, you have to be willing to at least try because, no matter how perfect they are? I can guarantee you this: they’re not going to come knocking on your door and sweep you off your slippered feet,no matter how cute they are.

You don’t have to come on to or engage in conversation with every attractive person you see or approaches you, all you have to do is be open to the possibility of meeting someone with the understanding it may not be a love connection the first time out. If you’re in your hermit mindset, you’re closed off and others can feel and sense it and will never approach you. Crawl out that shell and experience what the world around you has to offer, go to a comedy show or an exhibit, I promise, you’ll begin to feel your pieces coming back together and the pool of possibilities deepen. All that matters is for you to get out there and try, your Boo is waiting for you, go get ’em! 

 

I was taught growing up: if you don’t learn the lesson the first time, you are destined to repeat it until you do, this holds true for every relationship in your life. You could have a friendship with someone who doesn’t actually mean you any good but you try and try to appease them to keep some semblance of a friendship alive. This person, you believe to be your friend, really isn’t your friend and they’ve proven it time and time again with snide comments, shade thrown, gossip about you, and/or petty arguments to make you feel bad. This person is a lesson but your heart won’t let you learn it out of fear of hurting them by responding to them in the same manner or feeling like you’re judging them and ready to abandon the friend’ship’ because it’s not what you would want done to you. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them because they usually don’t even realize what they’re revealing about themselves, it’s up to you to pay attention. Have you ever been in a relationship which you knew you weren’t happy but couldn’t break free of it? Unhappiness in a relationship can stem from so very many things such as: they’ve so little trust in you they check your phone constantly, looking for something they are not truly ready to find; they’re insecure because they’ve been hurt in the past and never healed; they belittle you every chance they get; or they’re even emotionally abusive. When these issues first arise, you tend to blow it off as the need to adjust to being in a new relationship where issues tend to arise, believing it will pass once you both get to know each other’s idiosyncrasies and triggers. Well, 9 times out of 10, it doesn’t pass, it only intensifies over time, making you miserable but unable to leave because you love them and don’t want to abandon them or the relation’ship’, you feel your love can keep you both afloat on this slowly sinking ship. There will also be times when you stay in a bad relationship for the wrong reasons, whether it be for the children believing they will be eternally damaged if this person they’ve come to know is no longer around, to save face and prove others wrong, out of guilt for cheating and feeling staying is the best way to show gratitude for their forgiveness, or because you think your previous relationship failures were your fault and this time you’re going to do everything differently.

Okay, let’s start with staying for the children and why it never works! First of all, children see, feel and realize more than you could ever give them credit for. When you stay in a bad situation to give your children that 2 parent household, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons because you are not happy, there’s tension in the house and between the 2 of you and the children feel and absorb it. You’re also showing them it’s okay and the standard is to not expect to be happy, therefore, they will never seek and accept the true happiness they, and everyone else, truly deserves.

Now, the saving face part of staying comes from everyone else knowing it’s not going to work and have spoken to you about it, some have been consoling and concerned while others tell you bluntly with no cut cards. Your pride will keep you in a relationship which is not healthy for you or your partner and will damage you more than you could ever realize, it will affect every relationship you have moving forward if you don’t take the time to deal with and heal from it. You stay because you don’t want to give others the satisfaction of being right, refusing to acknowledge the problems, thinking if you focus on what’s left of the good, you can save it but you can’t, that ‘ship’ is going to sink eventually. Put your pride aside and save both of you by understanding and accepting it’s not going to work, let go of that which burns you. 

When you stay out of guilt of cheating and hurting someone, this is also never a good thing. They are hurt and will probably never get over it, no matter how many times they say “I forgive you, we’re good, let’s just move forward”, they are still wondering in the back of their mind if you kissed them like the person you cheated with or when you say you’re going somewhere is that really where you’re going. That trust, which was betrayed, will never ever be the same no matter what you do, no matter how much you communicate with them, no matter how many passwords and access to your life you give them, no matter how much time you spend with them, nothing you do will rebuild that trust to its original state, forgiveness doesn’t equal or restore trust. 

Now for the most self-destructive act of the 4 listed above: doing the 180 out of fear your past relationship failures were your fault and yours alone. I, personally, know people who have had a string of unsuccessful relationships and find someone new and believe they were the issue in the past, never seeing there were some good reasons those relationships didn’t work. When you stop being who you are, you’re not being true to you, your partner or your relationship, you’re letting your representative carry on a relationship and it’s exhausting because the real you is dying to come out and exist but you hold them at bay. When you try to change who you are, you sacrifice your morals and ethics just to appease someone else, a person who doesn’t really even know you, how is that love? How could that ever be successful? Expecting a man to be a man is not a bad thing, it’s a standard no one should ever compromise just to say they’re in a relationship. Your partner sharing your short comings with family and friends to diminish your credibility and tarnish your character is not okay, you shouldn’t accept it this time just as you wouldn’t have accepted it in the past. When we grow and mature, we do see the areas we need to change, we don’t fly off the handle so quickly, we don’t get stank attitudes with wait staff, we don’t have a bratty attitude and throw tantrums when things don’t go exactly how we planned, all that is the shit we should change and let go of, it’s called adulting. 

When you find yourself in a relationship that isn’t working, you try and communicate with your partner and truly believe in your heart your pain is heard and acknowledged and you both will be able to move forward in the relationship together. Well, the reality is this, if they are only changing the things about them that upset you for you, they won’t stick and you’ll soon be right back at square one and even more miserable because you trusted and believed they would change for the better. At some point, you’ll get to the point you’ve had enough and decide it’s over and break up. Now you’re hurting but know it was for the best but your former partner doesn’t see it that way, you’ll find that the more you get yourself together, your mate will try every ploy in the book to make you jealous enough to want them back and, eventually, you cave and are right back in a situation which is more miserable than when you left but you stay, why? This person who claims to love you is verbally abusive, calling you out of your name, making you feel lower than dirt, dating your friends to make you jealous but still you give it another shot. How’s that working out for you?   

In the beginning of a reconciled relationship, everything will be better than before because you are both so happy to once again be united, you both do everything right and are sweeter than sugar. But, alas, that newness wears off and you’re back in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you and has done no work on themselves. No relationship is perfect because no person walking this earth is, life has its ups and downs, it’s how you handle them as to what dictates your happiness or misery. It’s all about choices.

Sacrificing your morals and self-respect to be in a relationship has nothing to do with growth, it’s nothing more than settling and giving up everything you believe in just to not be alone, regardless of how miserable you may be, you’re content being in a sub-par relationship and now live a life of mediocrity. No relationship will be easy all the time but you also shouldn’t be miserable, questioned, put down, or made to feel less than more than you are happy. The choice is always yours, do you choose to be miserable in a way less than stellar, joy inducing relationship or do you choose yourself and to be happy and healthy? I don’t know about you but

 

 

I will be the first to own and admit I used to be the QUEEN of grudges, I’ve held grudges so long I forgot what I was mad at the person for in the first place. Yes, looking back, I realize I was petty and immature but am so glad to be blessed enough to see how foolish my actions were because I am not that person anymore, haven’t been her in quite some time but, unfortunately, I know some biologically grown people who are still in that mind set. I felt that if I wasn’t constantly angry with them they would think it was okay to do what they did or, ignorantly enough, they won and I refused to let anybody beat me. The reality is? They still won because I was so wrapped up in trying to make them feel bad by not speaking to them, stank eyeing them, having an attitude whenever they were around or throwing shade,I didn’t see they were moving on with their lives and accomplishing their goals. Here I was sitting here drinking poison waiting for them to die. Thank goodness for growth and maturity, huh?

The truth of the matter is, people are going to hurt you, it happens to the best of us at some point in our lives, it can’t be avoided because that pain is needed for growth. I held the grudges because I didn’t know how to forgive, I believed if I forgave someone who had mistreated me then I was condoning what they had done and they’d treat someone else in the same manner, I didn’t understand the forgiveness was for me and my well-being. I carried a lot of resentment, hostility, hurt and anger for years and was miserable because I didn’t realize it was my own doing, really had nothing to do with the other person. Once I learned about the importance of forgiveness and how to actually forgive, I sat down and wrote a list of all the people who I felt had done me wrong and what they’d done and I forgave them thru prayer, I didn’t verbalize it with the other person because it wasn’t about them at that time.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did but at the same time, you can’t hold what they did over their head for eternity, this only means you haven’t truly forgiven them. If you can genuinely forgive someone for doing you wrong, the memories of how they mistreated you will become stepping stones in your growth not blocks in future relationships and situations. Telling someone you forgive them but always using their past against them when you see them doing well isn’t truly forgiving them, those words were said merely to appease them not because you meant it. It’s going to hurt, you were betrayed and felt disrespected by someone you loved and trusted and that pain doesn’t go away with “I forgive you” because words cannot erase the pain. It’s up to you how you use the pain, do you carry it around like a 2 ton weight, never enjoying life as it was meant to be or do you take the time to heal from the pain and move forward with a smile on your face and in your heart? The way we handle the hurt inflicted on us by others is what determines who we will be and how we handle every single relationship moving forward in our lives. Forgiveness doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships because betrayal can come from a friend, sibling, cousin, or even a parent. The inability or lack of desire to forgive can turn you bitter and hinder you from being in a successful relationship with another person because you’re harboring hurt or resentment towards the person who is no longer a factor in your life, it prevents you from letting someone else in. As I’ve grown and matured, I’ve come to realize just how vital communication is between people when there is conflict. When we’ve done someone wrong, we expect to be forgiven because we said “I’m sorry”, why aren’t others as worthy?

While it may seem as though forgiving someone is hard enough, it’s even harder to do without an apology because in this instance, we feel that if they aren’t sorry, they don’t care, therefore, they’re not worthy of our forgiveness. The amount of strength it takes for someone to apologize is more than some are willing to bear because they’re not ready to admit they’ve done something wrong and all you can do is forgive them and pray they will find the strength to heal from whatever is hurting them and move on with your life.

The most crucial and meaningful relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself, that’s the one which needs the most nurturing and care and the one which receives the least amount of forgiveness. I learned about self-forgiveness a few years after I learned how to forgive others and I will tell you, for me? This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because, for so long, I blamed others for my pain never realizing the times I had been hurt by others, I was actually breaking my own heart, causing my own pain because I stayed for one reason or another. I had forgiven those who wronged me but still wasn’t truly happy, the weight was still there, I was actually quite miserable. One day, I looked in the mirror and, before I could even get out “I forgive…”, tears were streaming down my face, I had to brace myself with my hands on the counter because my knees had buckled from the release of the pain. I stood in the mirror and looked myself in the eye and apologized to myself for putting up with different situations and causing so much pain, I had to acknowledge and begin to heal before I could forgive myself.  This was not an instantaneous process, it took time to fully forgive myself for the deepest wounds.

Self-forgiveness is the hardest to give because you have to dig deep and relive some of the worst pains and heartaches you’ve ever endured but it’s the most necessary one to give. If you can’t forgive yourself for lying or cheating, how can you offer that forgiveness to someone else who does it to you? What makes you less worthy of forgiveness for your broken heart? If you don’t practice self-forgiveness, you’ll continue to settle for less than you truly deserve because you won’t feel worthy of anything more. No one walking this earth is perfect, no matter how we may try to portray ourselves, we’re all flawed and it’s okay to screw up every now and then, just don’t live in that place, never let a mistake define you.

Since I’ve learned the importance and necessity of forgiveness, I’m more easily able to forgive, mean it and move on with my life. I’ve had people confused as to why I’m not irate or seeking revenge when someone has done me wrong and no amount of explaining will help them understand how at peace I am once I’ve taken the time to evaluate the situation, forgive and move on. When someone does me wrong, it’s no longer in my character to be bitter and hate them, it takes too much energy and carrying that negativity around with me is more than I care to bear at this point in my life. If I have wronged someone, I will speak to them but have also learned you can’t have a conversation with everyone because everyone is not ready to have those discussions and that’s fine, I’ve said my peace and am able to sleep well.

Take a moment to look in the mirror and have a conversation with yourself, apologize for the times you stayed with someone who wasn’t worthy of you but never apologize for loving them. Remember, it’s okay to remember how someone hurt you but don’t live in that pain, use it to grow and be a better version of yourself. It’s okay to shed tears as you look yourself in the eye, you are feeling and seeing everything you’ve been thru and have been carrying around for way too long. Once you learn how to forgive yourself, it’ll be easier to understand and forgive those who have wronged you in one way or another.  Don’t hold on to the pain because someone didn’t say they were sorry, let it go because you’re worth more than a petty grudge and this isn’t your cross to bear, it’s theirs. “I forgive you” are nothing but words until you put the action behind them to make them work. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself, you’ll feel and live better.

Over the last few days, I’ve celebrated a couple of events in my life: I graduated from a class I’d been taking and my baby officially became a teenager! YAY!! So many exciting changes are taking place in my life as I’m sure they are in yours as well. Having completed the class and obtaining my certificate got me thinking about how I truly committed myself to this course and saw it thru to fruition, never missing a class no matter how tired, feeling blah, or hungover (yes, I went to class hungover once BUT I went, gotta give me credit for that! LOL) I was. I also looked at my daughter and realized how committed I am to being a true parent to her to ensure she is the best possible person she can be. It got me to thinking about commitment in other facets of my life and what it truly means to be committed.

I believe the level of commitment you devote to something is a choice, you tend to be more committed to that which brings you joy and is easier to deal with than a task at hand which is difficult or challenging. At the point it may become challenging, boring or unfulfilling, we sometimes slack off on the degree to which we are willing to commit ourselves to it. Starting something new is always exciting in the beginning but what happens when the novelty of newness wears off? Do you have as much drive and dedication to continue thru with the task at hand or do you commit less and less until you’re no longer doing it? This could range from a diet to a project at work to being a parent to even something as simple as painting a room in your home, none of these are always easy from beginning to end.

We all believe we are committed when we agree to move forward with something at some point in our lives but what does commitment truly mean to you? You may commit to a healthier lifestyle for various reasons, maybe your clothes are a bit more snug than you prefer or your doctor ordered it or you could have lost someone who didn’t take care of themselves.  This commitment may seem like the ideal choice for you in the beginning but what happens when you tire of having smoothies for breakfast and lunch, nothing but kale salads with 1 tbs of dressing dinner, and getting up an hour earlier to work out? Do you stay committed to that healthier lifestyle or do you slowly go back to eating fried foods and desserts? When you opt to begin a project, you agree to commit and see it thru to fruition, if you don’t see it thru to the end, why agree to commit from the start?

Commitment, to me, is more about action than words because you can speak all day/every day about how committed you are to something but if there is no action, you’ve wasted breath and time. What is the point in claiming you’re committed to something if you’re miserable and taking every opportunity to hold hostage the ears of anyone who is willing to listen while you moan, groan and complain about how horrible the situation? That’s more along the lines of insanity: repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

That gloriously exciting, life changing moment when you saw those two pink lines on that pregnancy test and opted to see your pregnancy thru to the day you welcomed that beautiful angel into this world is the day you chose to commit your life to them. Being a parent and raising your child is a commitment you must see thru to the day you die, not when they turn 18 and go to college or the military, move out or even when they become parents themselves. Your child needs you in every stage of their life not just when they can’t do for themselves as babies or toddlers but also when they are struggling with the trials and tribulations of growing up and dealing with what life throws at them. Being committed to your children means being there for them without enabling them to be dependent on you, molding them in to responsible adults, wiping their tears when life gets too hard, and giving them advice on how to handle situations when they come to you.  Committing to your child is not about getting lazy and shucking off your parental responsibilities so you can go out drinking often or taking medication which makes you sleep all day instead of spending quality time with them. This is a lifelong commitment, not just when it’s convenient for you, you’ve had enough sleep or only on your good days, being a committed parent is realizing it’s not about you or what you are going thru.

Sometimes we are so committed to living life only in the way we believe it should be, we never take time to see how flawed it truly is or the wonderful things we are missing out on because we are so focused on seeing only what and how we want it to be. This is not a healthy way to commit because you are actually missing out on what’s truly meant for you. Here’s an example: you want your life to be absolutely perfect, I mean, seriously, who doesn’t, right? You want the perfect house, the perfect yard, perfect children, perfect mate, even perfect pet, and perfect job and that’s all you focus on and commit to.  This isn’t commitment to anything because you never take the time to be involved in anything, you’re spread way too thin and end up miserable and missing out on what could have been a great life. While you’re focusing on maintaining this façade for everyone to envy, you’re not involved in your children’s lives who are failing in school or you’ve chosen a mate who doesn’t make your heart smile but is safe because you don’t have to worry about the possibility of being hurt or loving them more than they love you or you have a job that’s unfulfilling instead of following your true passion and what makes you happy. Basically, you have committed yourself to living a life of mediocrity and never experience true, genuine joy because your commitment is to obtain your idea of absolute perfection and have said the hell with happiness.

There are times in life when we over commit to one thing to avoid dealing with real issues in other areas of our lives.  Sometimes we commit to being that dedicated employee, working ridiculous hours outside of the home and away from our family to avoid dealing with real issues within the home or are a dedicated parent, devoid of a personal life to avoid dealing with romantic relationships out of the fear of possible heart break. This type of commitment isn’t healthy for anyone involved and all areas of your life will suffer because you opt not to deal with any real issues at hand, all while blaming it on your job or children. You can actually over commit yourself to your job and miss out on the special moments of your children, like their first day of school (regardless of the year, it’s still special), their first recital/basketball game/track meet/whatever, their first school dance, or even just a moment when they need you to be there for them because they are struggling with all life is throwing at them. What baffles me is the number of companies which promote a work/life balance and there are even fewer parents in the home.

Being committed to something means showing up and being present and the best you possible even when you’re tired or having a less than perfect day. Just because you go to work every day doesn’t mean you are committed to that job, it means you are committed to having a roof over your head, food on the table and providing for your family. Being committed means being willing to make self-sacrifices for what means most to us, if it means nothing to us, we tend show no true commitment by not sticking it out or giving it our best.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s all about choices, everything in your life, every circumstance and relationship is based on a choice you’ve made, no one else. I don’t know about you but I’ve chosen to commit to being happy in all areas of my life and understand that although there will be tough and sad times, there will also be many happy times filled with joy and love, I’m not willing to sacrifice any of these moments and experiences because they make me who and how I am.

 

I was recently asked what I was looking for in a partner and it actually took me a minute to get my ‘list’ together. When I was growing up, I had a mental list of my ideal man, this list included everything from his appearance, height, mannerisms, potential, even his teeth (I’m a stickler for a nice mouth/teeth), trustworthiness, and general overall characteristics. Having matured, I have become a little more lenient with my list because it’s not always reality and doesn’t fully serve who I am at this stage in my life. We have this image of our perfect mate who may not even exist in our lifetime. There are a couple of traits I will not relax on, however, and the main one is height. I have been labeled a height snob because I won’t give anyone under a certain height the time of day.  Yes, I have written about being closed minded and will own I’m closed minded on the height issue in my life, there is no wiggle room. And, yes, I know I could be missing out on the perfect person because of it but it’s a chance I am willing to take.

Thru maturing and getting to know various people, I’ve come to learn a lot about my list versus a true connection with another person.  Someone could meet every item on the list but if there’s no connection between us, it doesn’t matter.  A connection, to me, is being able to sit and have a conversation about any and everything, knowing you’re not always going to agree with each other but being open to seeing things from their perspective and being willing to learn from them. It’s also about being able to just sit with them and do absolutely nothing but you’re not bored, you’re content and enjoying yourself. When you have a connection with someone, you feel comfortable being yourself and confiding in them because they make you feel safe and accepted.

Life experiences will affect your list as well. When you started the list, you may have been single and child free and the things that matter to you now as a mother should differ from what mattered to that 20 something year old club hopper.  At this stage in life, you are looking for a partner who is capable of being a positive male role model in your child’s life. Someone who lies or you feel you can’t trust should never make the cut because, truth be told, if you can’t trust someone, you have no connection or relationship anyway, plain and simple. And for the guys? A fat ass being shown off in minimal clothing may have been cool back in the day but now, as you’ve matured, you need a woman who will take care of, cook and clean for you, someone you can take home and know she won’t twerk on your cousins and uncles at family cookouts. There comes a point in our lives when we realize we need a partner, someone we can trust to be there for us and have our back when we don’t even have our own.

You could meet someone today and feel like you’ve known them for an eternity, you just click, but on the flip side, you could know someone for decades and still not feel comfortable enough to share your innermost feelings and desires.  I am the type of person who works off of energy, if your energy is good, we’re good and the same goes for if it’s not so good.  I have been blessed with the good fortunate of being raised by my daddy, around male cousins who were quite the ladies men as well as having guys as my best friends, I feel I have a pretty good idea of a guy’s intentions when he approaches me. Now, I’m sure we’ve all heard our share of the worst pick up lines when a guy approaches us and know from that point they aren’t “Prince Charming” and have a better chance of getting cussed out than our number. I actually had a guy, confidently look me in my face and say “F*ck yo name is”? I took a moment to look behind me because I KNEW he wasn’t talking to me, he just couldn’t be! But, unfortunately, he was and I had to proceed to tell him “I know you’re not serious and if you are? My name is something you will never, in this lifetime, learn. Step aside” and went about my business.

Confidence is very sexy to me whereas arrogance is an aggravating turn off, and yes, there is a difference.  Confidence is when a man approaches me with respect and walks over with a confidence in himself never speaking of his accomplishments, money or cars. Arrogance is the type of guy who is flashy and has the mentality I should be grateful he took 2 minutes of his time to walk over and speak to me. I don’t believe you should have to speak on your accomplishments or what you have to impress anyone, having your shit together speaks for itself, confidence is silent but speaks volumes.

There have been times when I have been swept off my feet by someone who wasn’t my typical type but the connection was there, his personality and character were so on point it didn’t matter that he wasn’t physically what I thought was my type. I married someone who wasn’t my ‘type’ but he possessed characteristics that connected with me, he could make me laugh, was charming, a gentleman and I felt protected when we were together.

Now, over the years, I have added things to my list which are not acceptable to me as well. For instance, having an obsession with video games as a grown man? Yeah, that’s a no go for me. Now, there are women out there who will game right alongside with their man, I’m just not one of them. While a driven, successful man is attractive to me, a man who never has time for me because he’s always working or brags about how much money he has is not for me. A man who doesn’t really take time in his appearance isn’t my cup of tea.  I love a good smelling, clean cut man, just who and how I am. Thugs and bad boys are not for me, and I especially have no time for a dude whose pants are tighter than mine or hanging off his ass.  I was raised by a classy, charming gentleman and that’s what I seek when looking for a mate.

Everyone’s list is different but the point of all of this is, although some will deny ever having a list, we all have certain criteria when it comes to having an attraction to someone. If it’s someone who makes you happy and you feel safe and connected to them, forego your list and be happy, that’s what it’s all about right? Being happy? Exactly.  Don’t be so set in your ways, seeking that absolute perfection, you stick to a list that isn’t truly relevant for you at this stage in life because your wants, needs, desires and what matters have changed from when you were younger and will continue to change as you continue to mature and grow. Now, please don’t get it twisted, never relax your morals and standards just to say you have someone, never ever settle for less than you are worth and deserve because you will never truly be happy with yourself in that relationship. Pick your mate on the way he makes you feel internally, does he make you laugh? Does he show he cares for you with simple gestures such as Good Morning/Good Night texts? Does he take care of your car by washing it or filling the tank? Do you feel safe being yourself and not someone he thinks you should be? Is there trust and respect shared between the 2 of you? Then he’s a keeper, take a chance on happiness, you deserve it just as he deserves you.